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Adoption, Identity & Grace: A Transracial Adoptee’s Journey
22 Plays13 days ago
In this episode Aixa welcomes Cosette Eisenhauer-Epp, a transracial adoptee from China raised in Dallas, TX. Cosette opens up about her adoption journey, identity struggles, and the emotional layers of growing up in a family that doesn’t look like her. From navigating cultural gaps to the unexpected grief of changing her last name after marriage, Cosette's story is raw, reflective, and filled with grace.
This episode offers deep insight for adoptive families, adoptees, and anyone who wants to better understand the complexity of identity, loss, and love in adoption.
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Transcript
Introduction to Adoption and Parenting
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi,
Meet the Guest: Cassette Eisenhower-Epp
00:00:24
Speaker
my name is Aixa. I'm all the way ah from Guatemala City in Central America. And we have a very special guest today in Pause and Think.
00:00:35
Speaker
um We get to listen to amazing stories and hear adoptees and their heart. And so we really value that Cassette Eisenhower-Epp is here with us from Dallas. So welcome, Cassette, to pause and Think podcast.
00:00:52
Speaker
We are eager to get to know you. And will you please introduce yourself a little? Yeah, um thank you so much for having me on um and just being willing to hear, adopt these stories and just the journey that we've been on.
00:01:08
Speaker
um So something about me, I'm 24 years old.
Cassette's Adoption Story
00:01:11
Speaker
um I was adopted from China when I was 14 months old um and I've lived in the Dallas, um Fort Worth area ever since. um I am a transracial adoptee and so my parents are um both white I'm Chinese and I have an adopted brother who's not blood related with me that's also adopted from China.
00:01:33
Speaker
um I'm married. um I've been married for a little bit of a year and a half and um I'm currently in grad school. So I finish school in August.
00:01:46
Speaker
So can't wait. Wow. That is a lot. You have a lot on your plate. Yes. We are very thankful that you took time to to have this conversation because we understand the heaviness and the importance of it.
00:02:03
Speaker
And so even though we're going to casually chat, it means so much to us. And I know to you. to get more of your heart out there. So we value that.
00:02:14
Speaker
um So you mentioned ah couple of factors that, you know, just stand out to me, the fact that it's a transracial adoption. yeah It matters.
00:02:26
Speaker
And I would like for you to to, you know, just unpack how that is a factor that you will never get to erase with adoption. Yeah.
Challenges of a Transracial Adoptee
00:02:36
Speaker
So I think it's definitely one of those things growing up that I don't think I was aware of until I got older.
00:02:44
Speaker
um and I think around college, my mom and I started talking more about it um was that going in public and like I was in cheer in high school and junior high. And so um those were simple things that just singled out that I look different than my parents for like the father daughter dance that we had to do at the pep rallies.
00:03:04
Speaker
my mom being there and me going up to her. um I didn't realize it at that time, but I was honestly embarrassed. to be seen with them, more of the factor of I was just so emotionally done with having to talk about being adopted and looking different than my parents and people asking me the questions that they want to ask an adoptee.
00:03:28
Speaker
And I'm just like, I'm just done with it. And so a lot of high school is very much of like those pep rallies, not going up to my mom because I was like, I'm just don't want the questions.
00:03:40
Speaker
ah But it's also in just like, and that's something like my mom and I, like we've talked about, we worked out together. We've both, um I've like acknowledged it and realized that happened because in that time I didn't know about it. um And then it's also just, it's hard to be so singled out from your parents to where,
00:04:02
Speaker
you don't When you're walking down the street and stuff, like it doesn't look like you belong in your family. Especially
Family Conversations on Race and Ethnicity
00:04:10
Speaker
if, um I mean, for me, it's my brother and I that are both Chinese and my parents that are white.
00:04:17
Speaker
um Growing up, we went to a restaurant one time and someone asked us if it was two Czechs. because it was my brother and I on one side and my mom and dad on the other.
00:04:27
Speaker
And I think I just looked at them I'm like, he's my brother. and I'm, but then it was one of those looking at my parents and like, you're paying for this, right? Like, and so um i think it's just, it's a battle that is just hard to win sometimes.
00:04:43
Speaker
um And I think too, you, The world has changed as more anti-racism has been on a rise, especially with COVID happening in 2020 and the shooting that happened the Atlanta Spa. Those were really big events.
00:05:04
Speaker
um those are really big points to where I was like, we, my parents created the conversation in our household of, okay, what do you how does this make you feel? We can't understand it because we're not that ethnicity, but we want to sit here and listen and know as someone, as people who aren't part of that community, like what should we be, like what things should we be aware of that we could do to help people um that are, um that ethnicity and culture. And so.
00:05:37
Speaker
Wow. That is huge. That is huge on your parents' part. Just the fact that you feel free to just talk about these things leads me to believe that your parents have done a wonderful job in allowing you to have space to feel everything that comes with this.
00:05:58
Speaker
Like not only be grateful, be happy, be cheer, you know, cheer that you're adopted and you're, you know, all these things that are very much stereotyped um and attached to adoption.
Balancing Adoptive and Biological Families
00:06:11
Speaker
I feel like your parents gave you permission. even to encourage those conversations. And so that that tells me you're, especially on the mom's side, now I'm an adoptive mom, and sometimes it can be a challenge to distance yourself and not take it personally.
00:06:29
Speaker
Like when they're going through those teen years and you say, i don't want to talk to my mom in public, it's not about her and how she's doing her job. It's about your internal turmoil and your exhaustion.
00:06:44
Speaker
And i think that's amazing that she actually acknowledged your ethnicity and the gap that there is. So, wow.
00:06:57
Speaker
yeah Yeah, I'm really grateful that and I think with how open my parents um were about it, they it really allowed me at a really young age to open up, start talking about being adopted, um talking about the struggles that I had with being adopted and um the emotional battles also.
00:07:18
Speaker
um And I think if my parents hadn't been that open with it and it was more of adoption, was more of a taboo subject in the household, um I think there would be a lot more of internalizing everything and not being able to talk it out, not being able to grieve the moments that grieving a biological parent is like,
00:07:45
Speaker
warranted like during mother's day during father's day during birthdays things like that um and I'm I'm really grateful that my parents did give me the space during those moments and during those times to grieve um because and always created a thing to where like they're still a part of it and like my mom vocalizing like hey I know today's like a hard day And like, and that's okay. Like you're, you're having to celebrate and you're grieving. Like you're celebrating, like I was celebrating my adoptive mom, but I was also then grieving my biological mom. And I was also in foster care in China. So then my foster mom as well.
00:08:26
Speaker
And so it's just things like that. That's just a constant. It's one of those where it's like you, sometimes you're so content and like, you're like, okay, I've got this adoption stuff down. And then something happens and you're like,
00:08:39
Speaker
Well, I thought I had it down. Maybe I didn't. Yeah. Well, grief is that way, isn't it? it's it's a like in It comes in waves, as a very popular saying goes.
00:08:52
Speaker
um And the fact that you mentioned that other loss, because adoptive parents tend to um understand the loss of the first family better, especially the mother.
00:09:06
Speaker
But sometimes just gets... thrown in the background that there's other losses in your life. Like the rest of that family, where is it? and And if you went through foster care, maybe that foster mom and dad and family.
00:09:23
Speaker
So there's a series of losses in our children's lives. And And unless we're willing to walk with you guys, we will not get to bond the way that we need to.
00:09:38
Speaker
Sometimes adoptive parents are very afraid, Cassette, to have these conversations. They are afraid they will unstabilize.
Discussing Adoption Openly
00:09:48
Speaker
Like everything will go, Ari, if I bring this up with my team.
00:09:54
Speaker
What do you think? Yes. I think if the parent never brings it up, the child feels like it's not ah conversation that they're able to have in the house.
00:10:06
Speaker
um I mean, let's take, for instance, just like I'm trying to think of
00:10:15
Speaker
I'm trying of a scenario in my brain. But it's like it's things like that where it's like if the parent is so expectant that their 13-year-old daughter or son is going to be, whenever they feel ready to talk about it, they'll they'll be the ones to bring it up. but after But if you never bring it up in the house whenever they're younger, then it just feels like, or it could feel like that – um that's just a conversation that shouldn't be had with their parents.
00:10:49
Speaker
And knowing other adoptees, like when it is that, then the children feel like there's the expectation of gratefulness, the expectation of, I can't say anything because I don't i don't want to let my parents down or i don't want them to feel bad about this or X, Y, z And so I think- The taboo – like, creating – having the adoptee talk about it first and that and then bringing it up for the first time. I think that is – it's not good because then the child really does feel like it's on them to bring it up.
00:11:27
Speaker
ah Exactly. It's different if a parent is like, hey, are do you want to talk about this? And the child's like, no, and doing that because then the parent's giving – the adoptee, the autonomy to talk about if they're willing to um versus the other.
00:11:43
Speaker
Exactly. Like um just a ah quick reminder for parents watching, we are the leaders. We are the ones doing the proactive movement toward bringing this little life into our family tree.
00:11:59
Speaker
And so as we are leading, we are expected to also open up those conversations and those safe spaces. What made you feel safe?
00:12:12
Speaker
ah You know, um adding to your mother explicitly saying, how do you feel? What other attitudes in her and your dad made your house feel safe to talk about this.
Connecting with Culture and Identity
00:12:27
Speaker
Yeah, I think one of the biggest things is that um I wasn't... We joined like a group called Families with Children from China, to North Texas, which is like a chapter in DFW. And then there's different chapters um around the US.
00:12:47
Speaker
um And it's just families with children that are adopted from China. And I think I... My family got was a part of that, I think, when I got adopted, maybe when I was two um And I think that was one of the biggest eye-openers that, okay, like my parents want me to see other people and talk with other people that have similar stories like me versus – and I know based off of um demographics where they live, um the city that they live in, it's not – they're just not able to do that.
00:13:23
Speaker
um But it's also, I think, for me, one of the clear things of, okay, my parents – There's a reason why my parents are doing this. um They're not just keeping me in an area with just people that look like them.
00:13:37
Speaker
I'm also able to see people um that were also adopted that have similar stories. I grew up going to camps that were for adoptees. Some of them were just for Chinese adoptees and some were just, and some were just adoptees, whether international or um domestic adoption.
00:13:55
Speaker
And so I think seeing that really opened the doors of like, okay, they're not, they They're willing to talk about it because if they're bringing me into these spaces, they know questions are going to get brought up.
00:14:09
Speaker
so Yeah, that that really is eloquent, the intentionality of the spaces they were willing to step into with you guys. um And there's an aspect to your the the new identity and it comes tied to the name.
00:14:25
Speaker
yeah Like names for adoptive families are a big deal. And when you're going through paperwork and depending on the area in the world that you're doing this, it can take a while.
00:14:37
Speaker
um In our support group for ah Latin American adoptive families, there's quite a celebration when your papers actually finalize and your kid has your last name. It's like a very significant, beautiful celebration that, you know, biological parents celebrate the moment the child is born and you're, you know, writing their name from the get-go.
00:15:01
Speaker
But it's a different process for us. How have you lived ah in this specific point about your name? Yeah. So um I like to say I technically have...
00:15:20
Speaker
three names because in China, so I was in the orphanage for three months and then I was in foster care for 11 months because was a failure to thrive baby. And so with that, the name that I was given was the name that the orphanage gave me.
00:15:39
Speaker
um And so the name that the orphanage gave me was Guo Liping. And so is the surname, which um just means country.
00:15:50
Speaker
And then Li, everyone that was brought into Zhangjing Social Welfare Institute was 2001, all had Li. And then Ping was technically the individual name that um each person got. So everyone that was brought into the orphanage in 2001 had Guo Li and then it was b blank.
00:16:13
Speaker
Oh, wow. And so for me, mine was Ping. And so my Chinese name is Guo Li Ping. And then when I got adopted, my parents put Li Ping as my middle name.
00:16:24
Speaker
So then it was Cosette Li Ping Eisenhower. And then now that I'm married... technically the names Cosette, Li Ping, Eisenhower, Ep.
00:16:40
Speaker
But i personally just was not prepared for the little identity crisis that changing the name would be. um and I think it was a, Guo Li Ping was a name that I just happened to get.
00:16:58
Speaker
It was just a chance of being um ah just being brought to that orphanage in 2001, being born in 2001. And then Ping was it was probably just one of the characters just on the list. And that's what mine was.
00:17:12
Speaker
um And then Cosette Lee-Ping Eisenhower, it's like, OK, Cosette's the first like intentional name that was given to me.
00:17:23
Speaker
um And then it was Li Ping, which brought in the Chinese culture and my Chinese ethnicity into my middle name. And then Eisenhower, which is...
00:17:36
Speaker
my dad's last name and so or I guess and my mom's last name um and then i just wasn't like when you get married you're like oh I'm so excited to change my last name i was excited because I was gonna have a shorter last name instead of Eisenhower it was F it was going from 10 letters to three and I didn't have to change my initials so I was super duper excited And then it came around to doing social security.
00:18:06
Speaker
And I was like, okay, like I'm just going to hyphenate or not hyphenate. I was going to move Eisenhower to my middle name. So I was going to have two middle names.
00:18:16
Speaker
And I think that's where probably the identity crisis went. It had its downfall because in the U S or at least in Texas, I guess it's all of us.
00:18:29
Speaker
There's a character count for your middle name. You can only have 16 letters in your middle name. If I wanted Lee Ping Eisenhower and a space, it was 17.
00:18:42
Speaker
And so i I wasn't prepared for that. And so I'm sitting there and I'm like, I don't know what to do. And like you can ask my husband, you can ask my parents. Like there were some tears shed during that because I'm like i don't want – I didn't want to kind of feel like I was forgetting and like losing the adoptive parent last name aspect to it. um
00:19:13
Speaker
So right now – Eisenhower ep is hyphenated. um And I just wasn't ready for it. But I was really grateful that my husband was very...
00:19:27
Speaker
He was understanding with it. He wasn't like, oh, we're married, so you have to change your last name now or we're not married or things like that. He was like, no, like take your time on it. like That's something I don't think he realized um was going to be difficult either for me.
00:19:45
Speaker
And then it sparked conversation of like, okay. and I think too, was like I don't want to have a different last name than my kids.
00:19:54
Speaker
And so it's just all those things where it's just like, oh, I didn't realize.
Identity Crisis and Name Change
00:20:00
Speaker
It's one of those things where you think you're done with like the, and being so content with being adopted.
00:20:06
Speaker
and then something like this happens and you're like, oh, because I had never heard of anyone else struggle with that before. And so i was like, is this just something that's kind of wrong with me with being adopted? Like,
00:20:19
Speaker
I've never heard of anyone else vocalize it before. and so with that, I just felt so alone with the grief and the identity mini identity crisis that had brought to change last name after getting married.
00:20:33
Speaker
And I thank you for voicing it because I'm certain you're not alone. And many may find your words very comforting. Like, yeah I'm not crazy. This is a very real dilemma.
00:20:47
Speaker
Yes. ah We understand the value of a name, the protection it brought to your life, um the new chapter of your life. And so I find it very beautiful that you're You know, the process of attaching ah is very evident in the way that you love your parents' name. yeah And that's a very beautiful attitude in honoring that. so um And I also kudos to your husband because he has been...
00:21:18
Speaker
Yes, I pray for my kids, ah you know, spouses all the time. and this is a kind of delicate ah handling of the of their hearts that I pray the Lord provides in their life.
00:21:30
Speaker
ah Because it's a very nuanced, it's very... you know, um particular. It's very specific. It's very little. You didn't even expect it. You didn't expect it. I had no idea. So there's a kind of curve that adoption throws your way.
00:21:46
Speaker
um And, you know, we're just finishing up a little, although I would love to have you on again to keep chatting. I think we can chat so much. But one last tough question would be,
00:22:00
Speaker
um What would you say to moms specifically um fearing that if I bring up my children's origin,
00:22:14
Speaker
it'll displace me. Like maybe they think that your love for your origin and your biological mom sort of displaces the love that you have for your new family.
00:22:28
Speaker
What
Love and Mourning in Adoption
00:22:29
Speaker
would you say to parents? I think that there's always the there's a saying of the mother's love that the more children they have, their love can also multiply. multiply and I think that's also the same for the adoptee.
00:22:48
Speaker
um I think i the way that I see it always has been I have three moms and I have four dads because I also count the Heavenly Father as my dad. And so um I'm like, with all of that, I'm like, that's three sets of pair are like three sets of parents and then god with all of that. And I'm like, I love them all.
00:23:11
Speaker
did i I spent different times with all of them. I mean, with my biological parents, um I spent two days with them. I was two days old when i um was left at a hospital. And so, but with that, it just, I had to work through it. Like i still had the grief. i had to forgive them for that. um But just because as the adoptive mom, like you're bringing in that culture, you're embracing their culture. You're showing them that you're not scared.
00:23:44
Speaker
of that child's culture and like you're embracing it with them. It's a learning process for both of you guys, despite if the child's adopted at like an older age versus a younger age, it's important for them to still have the culture in their life because when you think about it in the long run of things, like when they go off to college or they go off to high school or they're an adult, people aren't going stop them be like, hey so are you adopted by – people that don't look like you.
00:24:16
Speaker
No one's going to say that. And so it's super important for the parent to embrace the culture because they as a child, they also will understand like, okay, my parents aren't ashamed of my culture. Like they they want to embrace it as well.
00:24:31
Speaker
And so that child from there can also decide whether or not they want to embrace it in or if they don't. I know adoptees that do embrace their birth culture, but I also know adoptees that just aren't ready to yet.
00:24:44
Speaker
um and so But as a parent or as a mom, like bringing it to the child, it shows a lot that you're wanting and willing to talk about it. You're willing to show them their culture and you're not hiding it from them. You're showing and acknowledging that they had a life before adopted them.
00:25:04
Speaker
Because for me, I had 14 months of my life that my parents never got to see or witness. And it's so important that the parents also acknowledge that because that's also true with it.
00:25:17
Speaker
So you would say there's space and actually possibility for you to love and yearn and hurt for your family of origin while being grateful and love your new family.
00:25:35
Speaker
Yeah. Thank you so much, Cassette, for taking your time and opening your heart. I do pray many, many find this helpful.
00:25:47
Speaker
And um you're just beginning your story. So I'm eager to see what the Lord does with your life and through your kind disposition and open hands.
00:25:59
Speaker
pan So you. Thank you. Thank you for being here with us in Pause and Think. And we want you to be here again. So talk to you soon.
00:26:10
Speaker
Talk to you soon. Thank you so much for having me.
00:26:14
Speaker
Thanks for
Conclusion and Resources
00:26:15
Speaker
joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.