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From Foster Care to Healing: Kristen Thomas’ Powerful Story
17 Plays3 days ago
In this episode of Pause & Think, host Jackie Darby sits down with Kristen Thomas from Raleigh, NC, to share her powerful journey through foster care, kinship care, and aging out of the system. Kristen opens up about the struggles of instability, trauma, and feeling unseen—yet also how faith, community, and resilience helped her find healing and purpose.
👉 Stay tuned for Part 2, where Kristen shares her own adoption story and the journey with her daughter.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think' Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi, and welcome to... Pause and Think. It's a podcast that we're just having real and honest conversations regarding adoption and foster care.
Introduction of Special Guest Kristen Thomas
00:00:34
Speaker
And so my name is Jackie Darby, and today i have a special guest from Raleigh, North Carolina. Her name is Kristen Thomas. So welcome, Kristen.
00:00:44
Speaker
Oh my goodness. Thank you so much, Jackie. and love being here. ah Well, I just want to tell our listeners today how we met. yeah I was invited to CAFO.
00:00:57
Speaker
CAFO is Christian Alliance for Orphans, a big gathering in the United States. I went for the very first time ah to a CAFO summit, and that was in Atlanta, Georgia. And that is where we met, Kristen.
Impactful Workshop and Reflections on Foster Care
00:01:12
Speaker
That's right.
00:01:13
Speaker
And it was in a workshop, um Voices for Adult Adoptees or for Foster Kids um that were all adults now. So out of curiosity, I wanted to attend that workshop.
00:01:26
Speaker
And that's where I met you. and I can tell you, i want to let the listeners know, um i was so blown away and impacted um by this workshop, I went away very overwhelmed.
00:01:43
Speaker
Um, not as much regarding the subject of adoption, but God opened my eyes I was like, where has where has my head been, I think in the sand, about foster care?
00:01:58
Speaker
So I don't want to take time because I want you to share your story. So let let's hear your story, Kristen.
Kristen's Story of Feeling Unseen
00:02:06
Speaker
Absolutely. But I want to say first, I just was so blown away um by the people that came to this and workshop You know, your warmth, your curiosity was such a just sense of kindness to our souls that allows us to be seen.
00:02:22
Speaker
And I think that's like kind of the theme of my own story is just this absence of being seen and didn't even realize how much an impactful it would be. at you know an adult age and having someone who was an adoptee come and just hear and share their wisdom and and where God has got them. And um so thank you so much for that kindness and intentionality that day, because it just meant so much.
00:02:46
Speaker
um But yeah, i was born, i like to say, to two people that loved me dearly, but their hands were so full of things that were broken and hard and made it to where they just couldn't parent the way they wanted.
00:03:01
Speaker
It allowed for brokenness and neglect and abuse, drugs, and a lot of hard things that I don't think they would ever have said would be their story, right?
00:03:13
Speaker
And that led me to a lot of moments of ah being alone, being in pain, being trying to navigate a really scary world with scary things at home and scary things at school. And I kind of grew up believing that my worth was in kind of who I showed the world that I was.
00:03:36
Speaker
And so I tried to be good. I tried to be a friend to everyone. I tried to be kind. I tried to belong. Right. um But it just never really felt fully like home anywhere for a really long time.
Experiences in Kinship and Foster Care
00:03:49
Speaker
I ended up in kinship care and then foster care. And then I did indeed age out. And being homeless at 18, 19 years old was a cruelty and allowed for some vulnerabilities, right? And things to happen that I wish hadn't.
00:04:05
Speaker
um But where I am today as a clinician and as a mom, like I look back on those seasons and I'm just repeatedly brokenhearted for all of the foster youth that have to navigate a system that's just really not meant for their success.
00:04:21
Speaker
And so thank you so much for just seeing that and and holding space. Jackie, I really appreciate it. Well, Kristen, when I sat and listened, not just to you, um but there were others in the room. Yeah.
00:04:37
Speaker
And, you know, even today, it really does bring tears to my eyes because... You know, I sat and listened to, thought about my story and thought about, you know, all the things I was kind of feeling sorry for myself about.
00:04:53
Speaker
But to hear a story like yours that you were in a system, a foster care system for so long and never got adopted it officially, I was blown away.
00:05:05
Speaker
I was blown away. And we might have some listeners, Kristen, that might not ah understand like when you said kinship, you were in a kinship like situation.
00:05:15
Speaker
Can you just expound a little bit maybe for somebody who might not totally understand?
Understanding Kinship Care
00:05:20
Speaker
Sure. Yeah. I spent time with some biological family, um several different ones. And then I ended up actually being with a youth pastor and his wife for a little bit um until I officially entered foster care.
00:05:35
Speaker
Oh, wow. And so the church was involved, involved. And how old were you when you were in that kinship care? I think the first time was 13, 14 in very short season.
00:05:49
Speaker
And I know my mom- Such a vulnerable life. Yeah. Yeah, I know my mom tried really hard to find ways to still parent and it just wasn't possible. So kind of went back and forth for quite a bit before it was obvious that just for my own mental health and and hers, we needed for me to go in something more permanent.
00:06:14
Speaker
um And then when you ah entered the whole foster care system, you said you were in, you know, more than one home from what I'm hearing.
00:06:26
Speaker
And so even that instability has to affect the emotions and just be so traumatic for, for kids, youth like you. So is there anything, um you know, you would like to share to parents or people who are navigating this whole foster care system, anything that any wisdom you'd like to share?
Heartaches of Foster Care System
00:06:52
Speaker
Sure. Yeah. I say this often that foster care is kind of like a job interview, right? Especially when you are somebody that has their parental rights terminated. So you are adoptable.
00:07:04
Speaker
um they kind of felt like a job interview where I never got the job. Right. And those moments do, they they break your heart in ways that are just, you know, absolutely shattering. And when you come from abuse and neglect and there's seasons where the church kind of did kind of um look the other way a little bit and and then you're kind of thrown into um ah situation where people are now starting to really understand the dynamics of abuse and neglect, then you kind of feel more like a project than someone who belongs, Right.
00:07:38
Speaker
And so I think for a long time, the church and I's relationship was I wanted to come in as perfect or as helpful or as me as possible so that you didn't see my brokenness so that I could belong versus just try to um maybe be a project. Right.
00:07:57
Speaker
And I was actually sitting with my pastor recently and he was like, you know what, Kristen, he was like, we're actually all projects. Right. And the Lord is so gracious to put people around us to pour into us. And so through this whole journey, you know, for those that are in the foster system or in tough spaces, like that vulnerability does increase opportunity for people to come around us.
Creating Trauma-Informed Spaces in Churches
00:08:18
Speaker
And we're not always in control of those people that come around us. Right. Like there are, um more and more trauma-informed spaces that we're finding ourselves into, which is beautiful.
00:08:28
Speaker
And I think conversations just need to keep happening on how to increase that to help people feel more like they belong and that they're healing in ways that are authentic to them and not just that they can you know be successful at the job interview, if that makes sense.
00:08:44
Speaker
Yes, that's so good. And I see the church ah much like a hospital. Yeah. You know, and instead of being projects, we're patients and we're, we're looking to be healed. We want to be healed, but because of our brokenness, um, our perspectives have been, you know, off and there's, there's times that we the church, because now we are part of the church, a healthy part of the church.
00:09:17
Speaker
um We sometimes the church doesn't maybe understand how to fully embrace or go there because maybe it's some, it's uncomfortable. And like you said, because there is trauma involved in, especially in a story like yours, there's so much trauma.
00:09:37
Speaker
And if the church isn't equipped To handle the trauma, whether it's through trauma-based counseling um or just to have people on staff or people with you know youth leaders dealing with youth, ah like how you and i maybe were.
00:09:57
Speaker
it makes it very challenging on both sides and we want to belong and we don't want to be rejected.
Advice for Church Leaders on Embracing Vulnerable Kids
00:10:03
Speaker
Yeah. yeah We don't want to be rejected again. And so we're trying to put this like facade on, right?
00:10:10
Speaker
um Like we're perfect. Right. And nobody's perfect. Nobody's perfect. So
00:10:19
Speaker
as being part of the church now, what What would you like to say to church leaders? um What could you say to church leaders regarding embracing vulnerable kids?
00:10:35
Speaker
Yeah, a lot. But we'll start with um the beauty of ah just normalcy, of realizing that you know as someone, if you took away 80% of your memories with families, like who would you be?
00:10:51
Speaker
what would you What would make up who you are, right? And if they could grasp that, they would realize that a lot of the things that make us who we are are those little tiny moments that a lot of these foster youth and children have missed out on.
00:11:04
Speaker
And it can be messy sometimes, right? There can be hospital kind of sense of of love that's required. And sometimes it just looks like putting a lot of safe people around these youth, not just one or two, right Because they'll burn out.
00:11:18
Speaker
But a whole community of people that have talents and giftings that could reflect more of the early church where we all came together. And we' we're collective and and also allowing the youth to make impacts on other people, right? Inviting them in to a place of not just being served, but being able to go side by side, right?
00:11:38
Speaker
So sense of normalcy and yeah, a sense of belonging that goes deeper than then just being healed, but um being part of family. so what I'm hearing from you is church community is really important.
00:11:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:56
Speaker
yeah You mentioned your a youth pastor. My youth pastor, he didn't he didn't know my story when I first met them, ah he and his wife. But I can tell you, if it wasn't for them and how they embraced me, I know I would not be sitting here today.
00:12:14
Speaker
know um They truly embraced to me. They opened up their home. Yeah. they invited me in they like you said they gave me a place to they didn't even know because i was still trying to look and perfect but a askeds me to be a youth leader Oh my gosh. Yeah.
00:12:36
Speaker
I know. i know. That's crazy. And even though i don't feel like I was qualified, but they asked me to be a youth leader. And so I think that is something important.
00:12:48
Speaker
You know, you see something in those kids that Right. And you, you pull out the good. Come on. pull out Exactly right. Yeah. You pull out the good, you accept them where they're at. And that's what my youth pastor did. Thank the Lord.
00:13:02
Speaker
But I realized not all youth pastors are that way. So like you said, um I just want to put out a challenge to any youth pastor who might be listening you know, here we are women now, but how the youth pastors can make such a huge impact they can um the lives of vulnerable teenagers. And it's really funny because, you know, I was actually going to the youth group and um there was this kind of a joke where like Kristen just never leaves. she just stays all the time. And I was
00:13:41
Speaker
I can't remember if I had run away or something, but I was actually living in my car and just pretending to like live this normal life. Right. And I remember very distinctly um they asked me, they're like, are you living in your car? Like, are you homeless?
00:13:56
Speaker
And they were like, Oh no, no, no. Like that's not going to happen. And so that's actually how I got put with one of them was Just literally just never leaving church, wanting to be around communities so much, but then also showing up with this complete fake facade of like, everything's fine. Like, I just want to, I just want to be here. I'm just happy to like be able to praise Jesus, learn more and be around other Christians.
00:14:21
Speaker
While there's this giant wound that I'm like holding onto and, and needing support in. And so for them to see me and then to step up and not to judge me and not like, it truly wasn't, Hey, how can we fix Kristen? It was really, how can we come alongside of the good things that she is already doing and calling out that goal that you're talking about, which is so powerful. That's amazing. So yeah,
00:14:45
Speaker
that's amazing um so I know some of your story and you have definitely been given a lot of lemons.
00:14:56
Speaker
But as we've heard the saying goes, you take those lemons and you make lemonade and you are one person who I know has done that. And so our listeners might not know you. They might be seeing you for the first time. Yeah.
Finding Beauty Despite Hardships
00:15:11
Speaker
So can you share how you have made lemonade, a really great glass of lemonade out of a lot of lemons that you've been handed?
00:15:21
Speaker
And I'm not saying that you've, yeah you know, you've arrived, you have this perfect life now. We're all in process. But share with our audience how you have made some glasses of lemonade.
00:15:37
Speaker
Sure. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. um I think from really early on I just recognized that there was such a power in beauty and in gratitude and not to like toxic positivity or spiritually bypass pain, but just finding moments of joy, right And finding the little moments that...
00:15:59
Speaker
um I think I just held on to and I focused on and I was grateful for. and then realizing that there's always somebody around you that is also hurting. There's also people that want to feel like they belong.
00:16:13
Speaker
And so just really focusing more outward and external really gave me a lot of the beautiful memories that I feel like turned into lemonade, you know, later on. And I don't think it was intentional, right? Like, um there was just a lot of things that I got to see. And I had my eyes open from a very early age of what could be possible, or what people could be going through. And so it gave me more compassion for people.
00:16:39
Speaker
and And through that, you know, unfortunately, I've lost two parents to suicide. And through that, I've gotten to join some incredible organizations that give back and and support other people.
00:16:50
Speaker
and just like with foster youth, um when you're in a group of people who understand, you don't have to use as much words to really know someone and and to support someone.
00:17:01
Speaker
And so I think some of the best lemonade, I think, is just being allowed God to soften, keep my heart soft and allow me to to see others um in the ways that I wanted to be seen. That's so good.
Advice for Those Hurt by the Church
00:17:16
Speaker
And for those who might not have a relationship with the Lord, for those who might not be part of a church family or understand um our faith, what would you what what encouraging words would you have to somebody who might be far removed from the church or or might have had a really bad situation with the church? What what can you encourage them?
00:17:42
Speaker
Oh, gosh. Or how can you encourage them? And I know people say this all the time, and it's so infuriating, but it's so true. Like, there truly is no perfect church. There's no group perfect group of people. And even my own therapist said one time, like, every church may not serve you in every season. And there might be seasons where you need to go find something more lighthearted, something more deeper, something more relational, right?
00:18:06
Speaker
And not being afraid to not, we don't want to run from accountability and from discipleship, but running towards the things that God's called you to And if church hurt or frustration has been part of that, then being open and honest with people who will listen.
00:18:21
Speaker
So it doesn't create these ah these arrows in our soul, right? We can pull those out and we can stop the bleeding And we can go be around people who ah really do want to get to know us and walk in the way that Lord's called us to.
00:18:36
Speaker
Yes, that's so true because we can get better or we can get bitter. And I don't want to be this bitter. Yes, I don't want to be.
00:18:46
Speaker
We don't want to be these bitter women. We want to be better. And so you do have to, you know, heal from that. And that's just such a lie of the enemy. He wants us far removed from from the church, from community. He wants us to be alone and think we're the only ones going through our situation.
00:19:11
Speaker
but um But we need community. We need the church. We need the Lord in our lives.
Awakening to Foster Care Issues
00:19:17
Speaker
I know that's why I'm able to sit here today because of what he's done in my life and because the community Yeah.
00:19:27
Speaker
and people like who attend cafo yeah and again you know i got open my eyes to this whole airy foster care and not just foster care's children um but foster care of um young women like you who aged out.
00:19:48
Speaker
And that broke my heart. it It broke my heart in so many ways. And that is why I wanted to have you on um because I want others to understand this area.
00:20:02
Speaker
I don't to be in the dark, like how I felt like I was um to hear stories like yours. And so what, what encouraging word would you have for other, um other youth who are maybe aged out of foster care? What, what kind of hope can you give them?
Hope and New Opportunities for Aged-Out Foster Youth
00:20:23
Speaker
um and Yeah. My blocking this journey and aren't in the process, aren't in the same area of process like we are. Sure.
00:20:33
Speaker
I think every new season is is a new opportunity. i don't care how bad the last season was. um There truly are new mercies available and new opportunities.
00:20:45
Speaker
um If you walk with me in my day-to-day life, you know that my life can be kind of crazy and a lot of twists and turns and some of them really hard. And there are questions that we have the Lord respectfully, but um At the same time, sometimes things can change so rapidly that you really don't know how your life is going to play out. There's so many new possibilities to each day.
00:21:07
Speaker
and I think that if we get stuck in the way things have always been or the way things have gone for us, then we might miss out on the beauty that's ahead of us. And sometimes it can feel really overwhelming and heavy to feel that hope.
00:21:22
Speaker
And so it's really important that we hold that hope for each other and we're honest about the things that we struggle with and the things that we hope for ah because we're worthy of being celebrated and held space for in both.
00:21:34
Speaker
Thank you. Thanks for your honesty. Yeah, absolutely. Well, i just want to let the listeners know that there's just so much that you have to share.
Kristen's Journey to Counseling and Adoption
00:21:44
Speaker
and ah One of the amazing things um that you didn't share, but now you are a counselor. You have your own practice.
00:21:55
Speaker
And not only have you reached that goal in your life, which I so admire, but you have went on to adopt And so yeah there's so much to share, but I want the listeners to know to join us next time in the next episode yeah because I want you to hear...
00:22:19
Speaker
Kristen's story regarding adoption and her daughter. yeah And so join us next time. Thank you so much for joining us on our podcast. It's a wild one.
00:22:31
Speaker
So yeah. Yes. And thank you to the listeners for joining listening to Kristen's story and join us next time on Pause and Think for another episode to hear about this incredible adoption story.
Resources and Information
00:22:49
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, to whosami.org.