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Home and Heart: Belonging Beyond Borders in Adoption
10 Plays19 hours ago
Pause & Think, hosts Aixa García and Jackie Darby talk openly about adoption — both international and domestic — and what it really means to belong.
Aixa shares her experience as a Guatemalan adoptive mom, while Jackie reflects on her journey as a Korean-born adoptee raised in the U.S. Together, they explore how every adoption story carries both beauty and loss, how identity and race intersect with love, and why acknowledging a child’s roots builds true belonging.
From waiting seasons to deep cultural reflections, this episode invites listeners to see adoption as a reflection of God’s heart — a story of redemption, identity, and unconditional love.
💬 “Our identity doesn’t rest on our appearance or birthplace — it rests in our Heavenly Father.”
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Pause and Think' Podcast
00:00:01
Speaker
We all have a story, and at times we feel we're walking it out alone. Let's pause and think. Join us for honest conversations about adoption and parenting as we lament, encourage, give hope, and explore our true identity and worth in Christ.
00:00:23
Speaker
Hi, and welcome to another episode of Pause and Think. Here we are yeah our at our kitchen table and our dining room, and we're just having another conversation.
00:00:35
Speaker
We're taking time out of our day to talk about something that we're both very passionate about, and that is adoption and foster care and just plain old caring for the vulnerable children. Mm-hmm.
00:00:48
Speaker
Right.
Hosts' Adoption Experiences
00:00:49
Speaker
It's a privilege to talk to you again in really pause and think. It's been hectic lately. So this is really nice to get to sit down and chat and think about these things. And we're eager to jump into what you think is really worth our while.
00:01:09
Speaker
And so let's do it. Yeah, and we generally always say that we are not professionals in this area, but we are just having a conversation that somebody told you that maybe we don't have titles after our names, but we have life experience. Yes.
00:01:26
Speaker
And because we've been in this space, we have met so many different people who represent adoption of foster care, whether they're parents, parents,
00:01:38
Speaker
or adoptees, children or adults, sir and just – workers and people who are in this space who love and want to fulfill the scripture, the verse in James 1.27 about what pure religion is, looking out for the orphans and the widows.
00:01:57
Speaker
yeah And so um we've met a lot of different people. And today
Logistical Challenges in Adoption
00:02:02
Speaker
we're going to discuss adoptions, international versus domestic. And so not that we have any answers, but we're just going kind of talk about that subject.
00:02:14
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, we're going to share our observations. So you represent the international adoption side as a daughter that was born in Seoul, Korea, and brought into a home in the States.
00:02:28
Speaker
And I represent domestic adoption. I'm Guatemalan, and I adopted two Guatemalan little girls. So let's dive in. What do you think um is the first and most important part of, or maybe just a worthwhile part of this conversation?
00:02:47
Speaker
Well, i feel like people do ask us about this because starting off with the international side, because I was an international adoption.
00:02:58
Speaker
And so back in the 60s, you know, there're there wasn't these means of technology that makes it a lot easier with emails. They literally had to write letters.
00:03:10
Speaker
Yeah. Send it in the mail. The waiting. Snail mail, waiting, hoping it got there. And so just the- Logistics. Logistics and sacrifice and the patience- To me, that showed total determination that yeah they really knew that this was something they wanted to- Pursue. Pursue, and you know that something it was something God really put in their heart. And
Technology's Impact on Adoption
00:03:41
Speaker
so now, you know if we don't get a response on our phone within an hour-
00:03:46
Speaker
Or an email back within 24 hours, we're kind of like offended almost at times, like, whoa, you know why aren't they responding? So i you know I think back to my parents, just the logistics, like you said, of the international adoption in each country is very different.
00:04:06
Speaker
Every country has the rules and regulations. And you're working with two very distinct countries coming together for the life of one baby or one child to get them into a home.
00:04:18
Speaker
yeah So just the logistics, I would think, you know, domestic. Yeah. Do you have those kinds of complications? You know what? I've come to understand that there's no easy adoption.
00:04:30
Speaker
It's the exception to the rule. ah There's some expedited cases. There's some, you know, easier processes than others. But in general, even if it's in country, you have to go through the whole process of filling out papers, doing exams, psychological evaluations, social workers coming to your house, strangers nitpicking your story and whatnot.
00:04:59
Speaker
So in that sense, I don't think there's a short route. um We went through that 2013, the the first process started.
00:05:12
Speaker
And so it's pretty much recent. So we had technology, we had research. I'm thinking like if we were i' curious about certain context or certain history of the home where my kids were,
00:05:27
Speaker
We could look it up in the internet and get an idea.
Emotional Journeys and Expectations
00:05:31
Speaker
If we felt like the file was incomplete, we would go in and research. And we got so many information you know pieces of information, even some pictures, which I don't love.
00:05:43
Speaker
The fact that there's a digital footprint to everything now, including... the kids that are in the system and they don't have control over their stories and they're there, you know, that's kind of uncomfortable to think about.
00:05:59
Speaker
um But we, we, we were able to do that, you know, to even help our decision in, in many ways. um So we, I see similarities in the emotional journey But you are absolutely right. We were on the phone all the time. Like you have to be in charge of the process and pushing it forward. Intentional.
00:06:24
Speaker
Be intentional. um But we, you know, we have that advantage. And of course, even if it's in country, we had to travel about an hour and a half to two hours to actually go meet our our children in the home where they were being sheltered.
Belonging and Identity in Adoption
00:06:45
Speaker
ah It does not at all, I can't imagine having to travel to the other side of the world, making it, you know, one or two days travel um to see your child, you know, because I know you flew in from it from South Korea, know,
00:07:04
Speaker
three yeah um And your parents didn't go visit you or anything. But I cannot imagine the the toll it takes or the endurance that it requires go forward.
00:07:17
Speaker
So I arrived to the States when I was eight months old. So kind of like a pregnancy. Yeah. You don't, you just, you know, they seen my little mugshot, the very, very few photos that were mailed.
00:07:30
Speaker
um So it's this big waiting game. Mm-hmm. And um I'm not sure, you know, totally the logistics of the United States, but from what I'm hearing in your case, you could visit your girls, correct?
00:07:45
Speaker
Well, they had they assign. um So the process is is has evolved through the years, but our process was... when you check out as a prospective adoptive family, um, and you're, you make it into the pool of possibilities for these children and they match you until the match happens. You get to say whether you are going to go forward and visit the child and then do the, the in-house, like you bring them home.
00:08:17
Speaker
And so the first, um, time you ever meet the child is in paper. So you actually have, now they've, you know, evolved ever since the pandemic, they do a Zoom thing because it's easier for, instead of parents traveling, you know, if you're in another part of Guatemala, you don't have to come to the city. They do a Zoom call and they present your child via photos and stuff.
00:08:43
Speaker
And they do like a ah brief about the children. um And then you say yes or no to going forward to the visit in person. And so that's what we did. And it's it's a very I i can relate to the waiting game and the excitement and the frustration and the questions and the doubts and the but um most of all, it's the excitement.
00:09:09
Speaker
It's a very emotional, you know, there's a newness and a sweetness and ah a very, I think in general, even if you do your homework and and adjust expectations and the whole trauma bit that is real, know,
00:09:26
Speaker
Even when you do that, there's a hope and a a longing to be factor. To meet that child. meet the child the child and to so be a light in their life.
00:09:39
Speaker
um And so i I mostly remember those days as very exciting exciting. And much so for my two biological kids. It was very exciting. i I go back in our history as a family.
Cultural and Racial Identity
00:09:52
Speaker
And I think one of the happiest days has to be the day.
00:09:55
Speaker
We have a picture of all of us in the car with balloons. And we're just like, everything looks just bright. Yeah. We were just so happy and hopeful. And, you know, it leads up to that meeting. And i don't know. I just you you have you you have to ah think about the expectation of the church waiting for Jesus to come back and the big day when we get to see each other face to face. It's just everything that happens in real life.
00:10:27
Speaker
reflects in some way the story of God. The gospel. Yes. and even you know, when a mom is pregnant yeah and she's waiting those nine months to the anticipation and the excitement and the dreaming and, you know, the family's going to grow. And especially if there's biological children, right? Already waiting.
00:10:51
Speaker
It's like waiting for the brother sister. And um so just the excitement and that that as an adopted child to hear that and knowing my parents, the weight and what they all went through to get me. Yeah.
00:11:09
Speaker
is is just really wonderful to my heart and to my thoughts. Because as we both know, yeah um no matter if it's domestic or international, there are some things that that take place because we're still we still walk through trauma of being separated from Yes.
00:11:32
Speaker
From our biological mother. And that does not matter if you're born in the country yeah of the parents who are going adopt you or if it's a totally different adoption being international from country to country. So that separation real And that's something we are very passionate about, just sharing, opening that area up and maybe to parents, acknowledging it.
00:12:00
Speaker
And I know it's not a very popular subject because it does represent some pain. Yeah. I have to say something that it strikes me now in this context that we're talking about.
00:12:13
Speaker
I remember I was, I felt like I was, I needed to
Affirming Children's Identity and Belonging
00:12:19
Speaker
be really specific when we ah were seeking adoption that I didn't care the color of my child.
00:12:29
Speaker
I didn't care of the tone, the skin tone. I had to be specific because I sensed that the council, the adoptions council in Guatemala,
00:12:42
Speaker
you know, saw that as a hindrance. Like many parents... may have said, you know, as long as the child looks kind of like us,
00:12:54
Speaker
that'd be better. i feel like they have gone through that conversation because of the things they were, you know, saying and just the cues that I was getting.
00:13:05
Speaker
And so I said, I don't care. I don't care about the, the you know, the the um the skin tone. It's, ah it's I have to bring it out because there's, in our context, in Guatemala, and I think in in many parts of Latin America, there's normalized racism it's so deep that we don't even acknowledge it. We don't even realize that that it's there, but we do make a difference.
00:13:34
Speaker
And it's sort of an insult to look like a certain ethnicity and look down upon. And like, if it's obvious that you're adopted,
00:13:46
Speaker
it's It's a kind of an insult. And if you're darker skinned, then, you know, it's like... Takes you down another notch. yeah Which is so sad. It is. It is terrible. And it's not ah becoming of a of a Christian to, you know, even consider that.
00:14:05
Speaker
But I have to say it because it's a reality when it comes to adoption. And many, I've heard, people in Guatemala say, say that they've gone through adoption to certain countries because of the the way the children look in that country or area.
00:14:24
Speaker
That's so interesting because you don't really think of that when you... When you think of the words ah domestic adoption, you think more that, oh, well, the kid is that nationality.
00:14:40
Speaker
naturally Naturally, they'll look more like the family. Not always true. Even in biological families, i know children who look like their great-great-grandfather and they're like, oh my goodness, where did their red hair come from?
00:14:55
Speaker
Or where did those curls come from? Because neither of the parents have that look. yep So even in ah biological family, there can be um children that don't look exactly like their parents.
Balancing Heritage and Identity
00:15:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:09
Speaker
But that's very interesting because you think that way with a domestic adoption. And then even coming from another country like Guatemala, okay you just automatically think they're all going to be Guatemalans. They're all going to look the same.
00:15:23
Speaker
And i know for my story, being an international adoption, um when we think of international adoption, you always think of two different races coming together in one family.
00:15:38
Speaker
Majority of times, that's true. And many, many times, you are not going to look like your adoptive parents. I did not.
00:15:49
Speaker
And that was a struggle for me. Because... I knew that when somebody looked at me, they automatically knew I didn't belong to that family.
00:16:03
Speaker
a And i already felt that in my heart that I didn't belong. But that just added another layer to why I felt I didn't really belong to that family. And it was very obvious. And so those were things that I had to overcome and only the Lord could help me in those areas of my thought process and all the questions and doubts I had.
00:16:32
Speaker
yeah But even though I felt that way and it being an international adoption, what what are your thoughts of that whole belonging coming from a family that represents domestic adoption?
00:16:48
Speaker
Yeah. Well, You know, i I also sense that a lot of people consider it a compliment when they say, oh, but they they become like you. they They look like you eventually. Like, it's going get better, you know, at some point. Which, you know, it's not going to happen. it's not going to happen.
00:17:09
Speaker
And it's fine. It's okay. Now, for me, I'm curly-haired. My hair now is gray. I used to have ah brown hair. Yeah. And I did sense there was a point in one of my daughter's journey that she wanted curls, that she wanted to, you know, look like us.
00:17:30
Speaker
Like it I could see her little face drop when somebody would comment on how my two biological kids looked so much like me. um You know, it's a struggle as a mom because you don't want to take that away from your bio kids because it's like they can't help it.
00:17:49
Speaker
They inherited that. It's in it also mirrors part of God's grace and beauty in designing us as as families. the the part where you mirror each other, that's also God's design, as is diversity and adoption.
00:18:07
Speaker
And so you don't want to, like, make a big deal out of it. And still, I mean, as a mom, I struggled, like, how much do I acknowledge it? How much do I shush it?
00:18:20
Speaker
Or should I, you know, it's like, um and I really did ah make it a point to, um to praise the beauty, the uniqueness in my kids and say that your skin is so beautiful, so flawless, you know, which is absolutely, both of them are, have wonderful,
00:18:43
Speaker
ah you know, qualities in their tone and their skin. And I comment on their biological family. I say, you know, you're maybe a grandpa or an aunt or your dad must have that little, you know, birthmark.
00:19:00
Speaker
Or, you know, when it comes to their bodies and their appearance, you need to say that the beauty and the characteristics come from family tree.
00:19:13
Speaker
And that's good. That's a way of nodding to the biological family that is very much part of your family now. And so it's part of it. And the fact that they're Guatemalan, don't make them the same as me.
00:19:29
Speaker
And don't it doesn't erase the fact that they lost their first first family, even it's domestic. Exactly.
Curiosity and Heritage in Adoption
00:19:39
Speaker
And I think the key always is in anything in life, the balance. Mm-hmm. You know, acknowledging, acknowledging what they feel they lost, acknowledging their pain and if they feel like they look different or, you know, their nationality.
00:19:56
Speaker
But also, like you said, bringing out the beauty of their history. Mm-hmm. And the key is we all want to belong. We all want to belong, feel like we belong.
00:20:10
Speaker
um And it is kind of sad that as human beings, we put a lot of emphasis on the outer appearance. But we all know, we know as Christians that God does not put emphasis on the outer, but on our heart, which is on the inside. And he made no mistakes.
00:20:33
Speaker
He's the one who formed us in our mother's womb. He's the one who gave you curly hair, me slanted eyes, um black hair. He created all of us, like you said, um to be unique.
00:20:47
Speaker
okay And whether, no matter what our biological elements, roots where they go deep, but he created all all of us to be different and unique.
00:21:02
Speaker
And I know it's in both of our hearts that anybody who's watching would understand their true identity and worth comes from our Heavenly Father.
00:21:15
Speaker
a Not on our outer appearance, not even what our name is, not which country we were born in or where we ended up, but our identity and worth lies within our Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ. Amen.
00:21:32
Speaker
And I think a part of um giving our children safety, felt safety, has to do with be curious about where they come from.
00:21:43
Speaker
Give them pieces of their, as little or as much as you know from their roots, it's important. It's important that I say, you know, um I remember we went to Petén in a very archaeological rich area in our country.
00:22:02
Speaker
And the guide was, you know, explaining a lot of very amazing fact facts about the Mayans. And I said to my little one, I said,
00:22:13
Speaker
Well, ah you were part Mayan. So this is very important. it's it Look at how bright and brilliant they were and the whole legacy that they left behind.
00:22:25
Speaker
And I think it clicked like, oh, I am. I am part Mayan. And it's positive. It can be a positive thing. beautiful Yeah. And so, but be unafraid and be curious to um make your children feel like they belong. They need to know that they belonged somebody and something else.
Listener Engagement and Resources
00:22:49
Speaker
bigger than themselves and they're now rooted in in woven grafted yes into your family but there's nothing wrong with acknowledging that they belong somewhere else yes and they still do in in many ways That's so good. And we could sit here and talk for a long time because these subjects I know go really deep.
00:23:12
Speaker
But we would also love to hear if you have a story to tell, um because we all have a story to tell. And we know that there's so many other stories represented and maybe...
00:23:24
Speaker
on this subject of international versus domestic. And so we would really love to hear your story too. And if you're comfortable, yeah we'd like for you to look us up. And so you want to share with them where?
00:23:36
Speaker
Yes, please log on to whosami.org. And then we have a contact form and you can tell your story and you can browse prior conversations that we've had with but between us and we've had wonderful guests.
00:23:50
Speaker
You need to check those out. So we're here and we love to pause and think.
00:23:59
Speaker
Thanks for joining us for this episode of Pause and Think. For more resources and information, go to whosami.org.