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Got Rebellious Kids? {Episode 227}
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Are you nervous about the teenage years? Do you know how to deal with rebellion in kids? In Episode 227, Bonnie & Audrey address rebellion in kids. They discuss why kids rebel, 7 ways of dealing with rebellion in kids of all ages, and how rebellion might serve a child in the future.
Mentioned in this episode:
Episode 173: Agency
The 4 Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin
Other Got Kids episodes:
About Outnumbered the Podcast:
Two moms, parenting a combined total of 19 kids and finding joy in the chaos. Join Audrey and Bonnie as they share real parenting tips for real people through humor, advice and compassion. Whether it's tackling how to teach kids to work or discussing where to turn when you're all out of patience, these two experienced moms are here to offer authentic tips for raising children joyfully.
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Transcript
Introduction and Hosts Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to episode 227. We are talking about rebellion in kids of all ages. We're going to share seven ways of dealing with rebellion in kids of all ages. We're going to talk about what rebellion is, why kids rebel, and spoiler alert, how rebellion can serve your child well as an adult. So are you ready? Let's talk about rebellion.
00:00:30
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Focus on Rebelliousness in Kids
00:00:55
Speaker
Hey everybody, we are back with another one in our Got Kids series. So this series is about those less desirable traits that we see in our kids like laziness and lying and those kinds of things. Well, today we get to talk about rebellious, rebelliousness when we see that in our kids.
00:01:13
Speaker
Yes, and I was thinking as we were preparing for this episode that rebelliousness is probably one of the main reasons that people struggle with the idea of teenagers so much and struggle with teenagers themselves.
Stories of Rebellion: Audrey and Bonnie's Children
00:01:23
Speaker
And you guys know we love teenagers and we are on a mission to make everybody learn to love teenagers. But we're going to talk a little bit about why this rebelliousness comes up, honestly, the importance of it, and then how to survive when you've got a rebellious child.
00:01:35
Speaker
So I will share a story of one of my children who I know is going to give me a run for my money. She is only eight now, but she does things that make me just a little frightened for her teenage years. We're going to see how things pan out. But the other day she went to dance and she was wearing, you know, a leotard and tights and I think she had to change into
00:01:58
Speaker
maybe a jazz outfit or whatever. Anyway, she came home with her bag stuffed full of the clothes she had changed out of. And her older sister said, you might want to check her bag for the shirt she was wearing earlier. So I looked in her bag and pulled out this nice fitness activewear shirt that I had given her to wear to dance, cut right in the middle to be this little belly-bearing crop top. And I was like, what happened to this shirt?
00:02:28
Speaker
And she's like, I cut it. Like, where did you cut it? I took scissors with me to dance. I'm like, are you kidding me that at eight years old you have the wherewithal to take scissors with you and like hide your outfit? Like, I didn't even consider hiding what I was wearing to school until I was at least 16.
00:02:45
Speaker
I'm like, all right, that's it. You're done. No more leaving the house. So that was a little alarming. We're going to have some conversations about altering our clothing to not fit our family's values. Oh my goodness. Oh, that reminds me of my kids the other day. There was like this rash of
00:03:05
Speaker
We'll call them incidences of troublemaking and whatever. And finally, I pulled the oldest one aside and I said, what on earth is going on? Why are we suddenly having all this stuff going on? And sheepishly, they said, well, I started this thing called the Rascals Club.
00:03:32
Speaker
Okay, say no more because I am hereby disbanding the Rascals Club. Okay, it's over.
00:03:39
Speaker
Thanks. So they're just like going about their day making mischief, causing trouble? That is epic. And I'm glad it's not my kids because that's hilarious. You know, little, simple, tiny things. Like I open my grocery list and I find on it, you know, like, you know, lemons and cottage cheese and box of turtles, like, you know, the candy.
00:04:05
Speaker
Okay. I want to put that on there. Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Well, it's on the list, so I've got to get it, right? A little innocent ones like that and then everything to where the kids end up crying because someone's being a rascal. The rascals club is disbanded. Those sound pretty cute. You should probably just write them down and then you can enjoy them later on in life, but I know it's less cute when your kids are doing it to you.
00:04:31
Speaker
I'm like, how about you guys just go write a book about the Rascals Club and live virtually through your fictional characters and let your poor mom have a rest. OK, thank you. Or maybe we could have a Angels Club where we just go around doing good with each other. Wouldn't that be delightful? Somehow that doesn't hold as much appeal to a bunch of little kids, right? No, no. And we're about to talk about what is rebellion and why kids rebel.
Understanding Rebellion and Its Role
00:04:56
Speaker
So this is a continuation of the Rascals Club here.
00:04:59
Speaker
So just to define rebellion as we go, at the outset here, it's resisting authority control or conventional, like conventional ways that things are done. So that is what we're calling rebellion for this episode.
00:05:14
Speaker
Yes, and kids rebel for a number of reasons, and each kid has their different reasons. You will soon learn if you haven't experienced a rebellious kid yet. One of them is actually looking for safety in boundaries and in rules. I know we've shared this analogy before, but when you get on a roller coaster,
00:05:33
Speaker
you push back on your harness to make sure it's secure, not because you're hoping it will give. And that's what kids do when they rebel against rules. They're just testing. Is this safe? Like, are they really going to hold up to this because I need to know where my boundaries are, right? Sometimes they're just curious, what happens if I do this? What happens if I create a rascals club? I wonder if mom's going to buy the chocolates I want, right?
00:05:55
Speaker
There's also just the thrill of getting away with something. Even as adults, we know that that little thrill, that little adrenaline rush when you do something you're not supposed to do is exciting and kids love that. And then I will also say that there is definitely some useful aspects to rebellion. We'll talk a little bit more about this later, but especially in those later teen years, this is where they decide who they want to become. And like, let me push back on who mom is a little bit, especially in things like
00:06:20
Speaker
um you know political views or their opinions about things outside of the home they might just want to play around a little bit with something different than what they've been raised as in and and just try something new on and see how it feels yeah yeah we're gonna share seven ways of dealing with rebellion in kids of all ages and if you're here um because you're in the teenage years and you're looking for help
00:06:44
Speaker
We have some tips and help for you, but we also want to say if you're not into the rebellious teenage years yet, don't stop listening because this effort of helping our kids through this rebellion
00:07:00
Speaker
starts way before their teenagers. Like if you're just trying to deal with it suddenly or for the first time when they're teenagers, it's kind of too late. Like it's not too late, but you're getting a late start is what I'm trying to say. So we're going to share. We're here for you. If you've got teenagers or if you're seeing the rebellion in your young rascals, we've got help for both all ages.
00:07:26
Speaker
So our first step in dealing with these rebellious kids is to avoid labeling them. I know we've mentioned this in other episodes, but it can be difficult to do, to immediately think, oh, this kid's going to cause me trouble. I already said it. I already said I've picked one out. I've labeled one as problematic or someone who's going to push the boundaries. But doing this requires some mindset work, right? Acknowledging that we are
00:07:49
Speaker
creating a thought that is being perpetuated in our mind until it sticks. It's this label that sticks and I'm sure all of us have experiences of being labeled one way or another as a child and sometimes it's positive and sometimes it's not so positive and those labels can cause some damage later on and it can actually induce more rebelliousness when the kids
00:08:07
Speaker
see themselves as the rebellious child, right? So first ask yourself, what do you think about rebellion? How do you approach that? Is it like this horrible, awful thing in your mind? What if you could change those expectations or those thoughts and views on rebellion? What if you started looking at it as this normal, natural thing? Could that help you in eliminating the labels that you might want to stick on a kid?
00:08:30
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, you know, that you said it so perfectly, but labeling a kid sets them up for fail for future failure. Because if you've labeled them, even if it's just in your mind as the rebellious one, it's going to become a self fulfilling prophecy, both because you're looking for it. So you've labeled it in there in your mind, and now you're looking for it. And your mind, your brain is good, it'll find what you're looking for, right? If you're looking for good and
00:08:57
Speaker
If you're looking for non rebellious things in that child, you'll see those too, because you're looking for it. Your brain's a good detective at finding what you're looking for. And then also because that child knows, like you don't have to say anything. They know what, what you're thinking, what your expectations are of them. It'll just come out. And so then you're right. They'll just like fulfill that prophecy for you. Yup. I'm rebellious. So here I go. I'm rebelling again.
00:09:23
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Personality Types and Rebellion
00:09:25
Speaker
And just as a reminder, there were some positive reasons for rebellion that we mentioned earlier curiosity, which is totally normal and healthy and a child, trying to test those boundaries figuring out where they're safe and where they can where they can push back.
00:09:38
Speaker
This is also a great place to remember that there are some personality types that are just more rebellious. What's the book that Gretchen Rubin wrote about the different tendencies? I can't recall. We'll have to link it in the show notes. But she talks about one of them being a rebellious type. And we've had conversations about this because my husband is actually this type, which is hilarious because he's like the most straight-laced guy ever. But when everybody likes to do something, he immediately thinks,
00:10:02
Speaker
I'm not going to do that or I'm going to think differently about this thing. If everybody loves one thing, he doesn't love it, right? So just to acknowledge that, that this is a normal, healthy way to be. It may just be more in their personality to be a little bit more rebellious. Consequently, these kids and adults actually tend to be more convicted in their own views because they have pushed away anyone else's thoughts and they're not just absorbing them like a lot of teenagers do. They go out and find the truth that they believe in and then they are very committed to it because
00:10:32
Speaker
They didn't just get it because all their friends were doing it. Yeah. That is such a good way to look at it. Look for the good in a child that, okay, so maybe it's not just you labeling them. Maybe there's concrete evidence that this child will always, you say right and they go left, right? But think about how that is going to serve them later in their life. We're going to talk about that.
00:10:57
Speaker
at the end here. Okay, so number two, look at yourself. In what ways are you rebellious? And I'm not saying are you rebellious. I'm saying in what ways are you rebellious? Because everybody has something, right? Do you speed? When a rule comes down or a law is made, are you like researching it and finding out why? What about alternative choices and decisions?
00:11:20
Speaker
I'm pointing the finger at me here because of all these alternative birth and homeschool and all those are like a rebellion or a resistance of the authority or the conventional way to do it. Your political persuasions.
00:11:34
Speaker
50% of the country basically is rebellious against the other 50% of the country, if you're looking at it politically, right? Yeah. So there's a lot of ways. So ask yourself, look at yourself, turn the eagle eye on yourself. In what ways are you rebellious?
00:11:52
Speaker
Yeah, and this isn't meant to, like you're saying, to condemn or anything because a lot of what we're calling rebellious is something that we really feel strongly about, doing things differently than other people. In fact, maybe even instead of calling a child rebellious or seeing them in that way, we just call them questioning. We just call them seekers, right? Those who are looking for the right way of doing things for them. And yeah, homeschooling and home birth is a great example of doing things that conventional or traditional
00:12:21
Speaker
the ways of doing things is not like that. And yet we feel like it was the right choice for our family. So what a wonderful way of looking at it for a child who is pushing back on your rules instead of just always thinking, oh, why can't you fall in line? Just looking at them as, wow, what a powerful set of opinions you have. What a powerful personality you have. You're going to go out and find out what's right for you and you're not going to be wishy-washy about it. I think it's great.
00:12:44
Speaker
And yes, obviously, we talk about this in our Every Got Kids episode is turn the mirror on yourself, right? If there's something that your child is struggling with or you are struggling with your child's personality trait, maybe your kid's just following your own example. That could be a good thing, could be a bad thing, depends on what we're talking about, right? But nobody can obey every rule. None of us are perfect. We make mistakes all the time.
00:13:07
Speaker
And we know even as adults that thrill that comes with rebelling, right? Like resisting against authority is always seen as cool. The cool kids at school are the ones that ditch school or that maybe sag their pants a little too low. Like they're kind of pushing the boundaries all the time. So just acknowledge that and it helps you to understand your kids a little bit better instead of always being frustrated with their behavior. Right. Thinking about rebellion like in that lens and looking at yourself, we realize that the difference is
00:13:37
Speaker
our thoughts when our kids rebel against our authority. Like that is when really like it goes against us and like we don't like it and we call it rebellion is when we see it in our kids and it's against our authority as a parent. That's just true. It's hard to say it. It's hard to accept it, but it is true.
00:13:56
Speaker
Right. And here's a great place to remember too that we don't have all the answers either. The way we parent is just the best way we know how. And in the next generation, we might kick ourselves and think, oh gosh, I kind of did that wrong, right? Just like we probably think we, our parents did some things wrong until we're, you know, changing things a little bit.
00:14:12
Speaker
So just because they rebel against us doesn't necessarily mean that there's something wrong with them or that they're choosing the wrong path. It could just be that they see a better way of doing things and they might be right. You never know.
Parental Self-Reflection and Techniques
00:14:25
Speaker
Okay. Tip number three, question your own rules and know your why because if you don't know your why now,
00:14:32
Speaker
You're going to have to come up with one. You're going to get a kid, at least one, if not all of them, asking, but why? But why do we do it like this? And you have to have a reason. Now, I know we addressed this before in the pocket. We're not saying it's not okay to just say, because mom says, because sometimes that's the reason and you just don't have the time or the energy to explain it all. Or the kid's not even mature enough, right? Sometimes they'll ask, well, why can't I go into the bathroom alone in a public place? Well, because mom says, just trust mom. I'm not going to explain it right now.
00:15:02
Speaker
But as much as you can, have a conversation about why these rules and even like the laws of the land exist. So your child can start thinking, oh, I see that this happens because of this. And if we weren't to do this, this could happen. Explain things. If you see a car accident, you can explain, wow, I wonder if something went wrong, right? Because usually if we all obey the traffic laws, there are accidents. But when someone runs a red light or someone turns without looking,
00:15:26
Speaker
then these problems occur. And then you can also teach them in these conversations just the importance of standing up for your beliefs, even if they do go against some laws and things that you're seeing. That within reason, we can push back on authority and say, actually, I don't think this is right. I think that maybe I want to get involved in the government or whatever else is going on around me that is instituting policies that I don't agree with.
00:15:52
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. You're right. Sometimes a rebellious kid just doesn't understand the why behind the rules. So like your daughter, your eight year old cutting off her shirt, maybe she just doesn't understand why. And she sees other kids in dance doing that and she doesn't understand why, why it's your rule. So, you know, maybe. Yeah. We, we had a good talk about modesty after that. Yeah. I thought maybe I just haven't explained yet. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Right.
00:16:15
Speaker
Sometimes we have to be patient to explain our why. Your bathroom one was a good example. That's not the time and place. When you're going across a busy street with a kid and they have to hold your hand, it's not the time to sit down and patiently explain sitting there in the crosswalk. Why? We have to hold mom's hand. Okay, right? There's a time and a place.
00:16:35
Speaker
But, but you're right. The conversations need to happen. And, and it starts with us knowing our why to start with. And sometimes we'll look at a rule and we'll look at our why and you'll be like, Oh yeah, that one's really stupid. All my kids are pushing back on that one. And it's, it's just kind of dumb. And I'm tired of enforcing it. Yeah. That's they're right. It doesn't make you less of a parent because, because you've said something and you set a rule and then you start getting pushback and you question the why to change it. I think it actually.
00:17:05
Speaker
kind of sometimes makes you a stronger parent. So your kids see that you can adapt and change.
00:17:11
Speaker
Yeah, and it does require humility, for sure, right? I've had that happen where my kids are saying, this is dumb. Why are we doing it this way? And I have to stop and think, it's a good question. Why are we doing it this way? Well, maybe it worked well for our family for a while, but maybe it's time to revisit it. And to be humble enough to say, thanks for your input, kids. Let's sit down and talk about it as a family, or I'll talk about it with dad, and we'll get back to you. And as families grow and change, rules have to grow and change as well. So that's important to realize that they have to adapt for your family. The rules are for your family, not the other way around, right? Right.
00:17:40
Speaker
And when we are sure of our why, then we enforce our rules from a much cleaner place, this place of belief in wanting the best for our children instead of this absolute authority figure who has no questions ever.
00:17:55
Speaker
No, this is why we do it. And I'll take questions and I'll take, I would love for them to disagree with me and tell me why they think this is not a great idea and we can have a discussion about it, but you are the ultimate authority. Just being able to enforce it from a cleaner place is really much more enjoyable for everyone instead of just being a dictator. Yeah. Yeah. I've been dictator mom in the past for sure. It does feel very good.
00:18:18
Speaker
No, but when I'm like, you know, it comes from a place of belief, I believe it and I can like share that belief. Okay, so now we're going to talk through some of the ages that we run into rebellion. Let's start with the youngest kids. For this is kind of a fun age because when they rebel, it's also kind of cute. But one thing that really, really is an effective method with this age is reverse psychology, right? You just tell them what
00:18:48
Speaker
you don't want them to do what you really do want them to do and if they're like got a little
00:19:01
Speaker
rebellious streak in them, they're going to go do the thing that you want them to do anyway, right? Yeah. Yeah. This works so well with like three and four year olds because that is the first time that they're really kind of exerting their own independence. We've talked about this in the potty training episode, right? That's their first chance to show you, I'm not doing that. I have my own free will and I get to choose now whether I want to mess my pants or not. It's maddening, but that's totally normal and natural. And so to be able to use this river psychology on them is kind of beating them at their own game. I love it. It's so fun.
00:19:29
Speaker
And it, you know, something like, don't you dare eat that broccoli. No, no, don't do it, right? And they get this, and they know that it's a joke, they really do, but they get this thrill out of going against what mom says, right? It's just really easy and fun way to lighten things up and get them to do what you want.
00:19:48
Speaker
Fun is the key here because it allows us to be like the fun parent and have fun. Like rebellion is kind of fun for them. So we get to have fun right along with them and not always be the enforcer of rules. I don't know. That just makes me like so tired when I have to, you know, because I said so all day long. Yeah. It just makes me really tired at the end of the day. And I don't feel like a good parent. I don't show up in the way I want to be when I like, I'm not fun. Yeah. Yeah. It's exhausting.
00:20:16
Speaker
Okay, so number five for the next stage of kids, those are a little bit older ones, we like to allow safe rebellion,
Safe Rebellion and Bonding Practices
00:20:24
Speaker
okay? So I know we've discussed this concept before, but when kids have the chance to take appropriate risks, it helps them in the long run. It actually helps them to take fewer inappropriate risks later on when they're allowed to get this rebellion out in a way that doesn't hurt them long term or doesn't hurt them a lot, right?
00:20:40
Speaker
So we'll give you a couple of examples, but this can be difficult if you're a first-time parent or a relatively inexperienced parent because you just think, no, no, no, no, but I don't want you to, right? Like you have to obey my rules, but it's kind of like letting some of the fights go so that the big important things stay protected. Yes. That reminds me so much of our episode. We really kind of dove, dived, dove.
00:21:07
Speaker
We really kind of went deep into that one on our episode on agency, where we talked about how to teach them to be self-reliant. And there is a little bit of this autonomy that's required. They've got to learn to do it without mom sitting there holding their hand. Oh, here's some cute examples.
00:21:25
Speaker
after the lights go out, reading under the covers with a flashlight. I saw this mom posting the other day and she was saying, do you think your flashlight never runs out of batteries? Who do you think is replacing those batteries? Keep me going. That's safe rebellion. I know what you're doing with that. Yeah. At the park, climbing up the slide instead of sliding down, kids get a thrill when they're doing it the wrong way. Eating dessert first sometimes, maybe even some
00:21:54
Speaker
books like The Dangerous Book for Boys or The Dangerous Book for Girls. Those kind of safe, safe, rebellion things are definitely encouraged in kids.
00:22:05
Speaker
Yeah, I think that agency episode goes really hand in hand with this one. If you have not listened to that one, check the show notes, listen to that one as well. That will kind of help you put your mind, give you the right perspective of why this is so important for kids to make their own choices. This really takes practice as a mom to just choose your own battles. That is a real thing. A few other examples that I like to use are allowing kids to
00:22:27
Speaker
For the most part pick their own clothes and their own hairstyles right so we had a little bit of a Conflict on this recently my 15 year old wanted a hairstyle that I thought was hideous and not
00:22:37
Speaker
very clean cut. And my husband was like, what's it going to hurt? He's not, he doesn't even go to school. Just let him have his hair the way he wants for a while. So I did, even though I threatened to cut it every night when he went to bed. So maybe things where, especially when they can really express themselves. I mean, within reason, obviously it's okay to have your family values. I'm not going to let my kid walk around naked or whatever, but allowing risky play, like you said, climbing trees, hanging upside down from things.
00:23:07
Speaker
allowing them to experience basically as many natural consequences as you can because then that takes you out of the position of mean mom and instead they just learn life. They just learn life skills. I hang upside down from a tree so fun unless I loosen my grip at the wrong time and then I fall and it hurts, right? And sometimes it really hurts, right? But we can't protect our kids from everything and then they learn a lot about gravity and they learn a lot about their muscles and what they can do and what they can't do and what they're willing to risk and what they're not willing to risk. It's so powerful.
00:23:37
Speaker
Yeah, cause and effect or scientific experiments, you know, right? It's learning. They have to do science out there. I know. They have to learn to make those connections. Yeah. OK, let's move on to the like the pre-teen years, like early, early teens, pre-teen and early teen. OK, here's something maybe it's going to sound weird to you, but rebel with them. Defy authority together. Be on the same team. They're going to do it.
00:24:05
Speaker
Do it with them. Yes, this can be a really fun one and again goes back to what battles are you willing to pick? We had a specific age when my girls were allowed to choose whether or not they wanted to get their ears pierced.
00:24:16
Speaker
And I wanted to be old enough that they could make that choice themselves and they had some knowledge and whatever, could experience the consequences of this. And recently one of my kids asked to do it a year early. And I was like, what does it matter? It was just totally arbitrary. Let's do it. And so it was like this really fun thing where we got to bond, kind of breaking the rules a little bit because I decided it didn't really matter. It was an arbitrary age that we chose and she was so excited and so ready and it's been really fun.
00:24:43
Speaker
You get to decide where and how you want to do this, but allowing your children the opportunity to rebel, but not against you, right? You guys kind of do it together in this fun way. It's kind of the next level of safe rebellion, and it's totally harmless. It's a way that you guys get to bond. My husband is a master at this. He needs to get on the podcast and teach us his ways. No, I know.
00:25:10
Speaker
For example, I can't even explain how he does it so well, but it's like he makes them want to rebel with him somehow. Okay, so for example, I'm going to go to town and the kids will just start sniggering and looking at each other and there's all this side eye going on and elbowing to dad.
00:25:31
Speaker
And he'll be like, we won't have any fun while you're gone. We're not going to do anything wrong. It's just going to be fine. And you just know this is like this. All this little stuff is being cooked up while you're gone. And they'll eat ice cream. And they'll get on the computer and play games when they're not supposed to. And they're like, it's all under with dad. And they're like, be in the rebels with dad together. Yeah, the privilege of being the fun parent, right? Yeah, yeah, I know. And he'll just like, it's
00:26:00
Speaker
It's what they want to do, and dad's enabling it. So it kind of takes some of the sting or the fun out of rebellion, right? If dad's doing it with you, it's kind of like, yeah, it's fun. But also, at the end of the day, they're like, oh, well, OK. Dad, you know, like, it doesn't make that huge of an impact to rebel, because dad's already rebelled with us, right? It like takes some of the thrill out of it, like, OK, well, we already did that with dad, like, you know, so what?
00:26:30
Speaker
Yeah, I'm glad you mentioned that because really in those earlier years, it can be just a fun way to bond together and give them a little bit of that thrill while you're bonding, but it stops working so much in the teen years because they really want to rebel against you, right?
Teenage Rebellion: Boundaries and Growth
00:26:44
Speaker
Of course, doing those fun things together is still enjoyable, but the teen years is when they're like, oh no, now I'm going to do stuff that mom and dad don't know about because that's where the real thrill comes in and where I really get to push back and see if these are the choices I want to continue making, right?
00:26:58
Speaker
So obviously we set boundaries. And again, we get very specific about what battles we're willing to fight. And some kids, you're not going to have to fight hardly any. They're going to go right along with the rules and not cause a lick of trouble. And other ones are going to fight against everything you set down. So be very clear about what you're willing to fight for, right? And some things
00:27:20
Speaker
like eating their vegetables with dinner. Obviously, that's more of a younger kid thing, but how strict do you want to be on curfew? Because there are going to be kids that are going to push back so much that you're going to have to decide, this is a battle I'm picking or whatever it is.
00:27:35
Speaker
Knowing they're going to rebel is going to help you a lot and hopefully by this time you've built character into them to the point where they're not going to do anything that's going to harm themselves or other people. They'll be able to rebel again in a safer way that gives them that need to be their own person without harming themselves. Yeah.
00:27:55
Speaker
With other children at home, you have to uphold a standard. You can't, because you have a teenager rebelling, suddenly let go of all your rules, right? It's your home. You have a right and you have a duty to set and keep the rules. It's just you have to allow, I don't know, sometimes we say to our younger kids, well, how come so-and-so gets through that? Well, it's like your day is coming. They're a teenager and you're not a teenager yet, but you will be someday. And then you get to choose.
00:28:22
Speaker
I will say here that you can allow certain rebellion. And again, this helps a lot with the younger kids, but even the teenagers sometimes just need to do those things and you can give them parameters. So let me give you an example. When I was in high school, I was very straight laced. I followed all the rules. I had a little bit of rebellious streak, but very little, right? And I remember my mom telling me once,
00:28:46
Speaker
I don't care if you ditch school, just let me know that you're going to so I don't get panicked when the school calls and tells me you're not there." And I thought that was such a cool thing for a parent to do, to just know that it's normal for a teenager to want to skip school. And she just wanted to make sure I was safe and that she knew that I was someplace not dead in a ditch and that she could go about her day knowing I was just having fun with my friends instead of going to school. So if you can allow some parameters like, hey, I get it, you don't want to do this thing or whatever,
00:29:12
Speaker
But my rule is you do have to at least let me know where you are. We have smartphones now. You do have to keep your GPS tracking on so I can find you or something like that along those lines. Again, for the more rebellious ones, this might not work as well because they don't want you to know anything about what they're doing. So you do have to decide ahead of time what rules are the hard and fast ones where we are definitely going to hand out consequences for. And that gets tricky with some of these kids.
00:29:41
Speaker
It does. But you know what, if you've been doing the things that we're talking about with the younger kids, the rebellion is not going to be as severe when they're teens because they've already gotten some of it out of their system. They've learned that cause and effect, the consequences for actions, and they have a great relationship with you. They're not
00:30:05
Speaker
the rebellion isn't necessarily against you in their teenage years. It's more against authority and against ideas and who they have been and who they want to be. And like all these things are exploring. And so that's why we really encourage playing with some of this rebellion in the younger years.
Rebellion's Role in Society and Personal Growth
00:30:23
Speaker
Okay, so we want to mention how rebellion can serve an adult. Well, maybe you've been getting some threads of this in what we've talked about so far, but we need rebellious people in the world. This country was founded on the rebellion of the patriots against the British, right? We need people who question authority when it's wrong. What if everybody just blindly followed the rules?
00:30:53
Speaker
and everything that came out of the government. We need people who are rebellious because they are the leaders of future change that this country needs. And we don't get political on this podcast, but I want to say that this country right now, today could use some rebellious people to make some much needed changes.
00:31:14
Speaker
Yes, and I think that by doing these tips that we've shared with you, we can foster that healthy rebellion and ask them to really, again, instead of being the dictator that's like my way or the highway, we just have a conversation with our teens and say, tell me why you're thinking that way. Tell me why this doesn't seem fair to you.
00:31:30
Speaker
totally see where you're coming from, right? And be willing to back down with your own authoritarianism a little bit, to hear where they're coming from and be willing to listen and open up a little bit to what they're trying to say. And then you can foster that healthy rebellion where they want to go out and affect change and make the world a better place because they know that there is nobody with ultimate authority except God on this planet, right? There is always room for debate. There is always room for change.
00:31:55
Speaker
And being able to encourage that healthily in a child, it's so powerful. You get to send this amazing adult out into the world who wants to change things, right? So a few other ideas for teaching rebellion in a way that will serve them well as an adult, teaching them strong values, what matters most, helping them to really be convicted in those religious and political beliefs. And even if they're a little bit different from yours to say, tell me, explain to me why you see it this way. Well, that's so fascinating. I love that you believe so strongly in that, right?
00:32:24
Speaker
And then also showing them that power of choice. Like, you know what? This is your choice. I'm going to let you make that choice.
00:32:30
Speaker
I have a couple of examples of being 17, almost 18, where I wanted to do something that kind of went against my family's rules. And my parents allowed me that choice and said, well, I'm going to let you choose because you're almost an adult. And I remember just being kind of blown away like, wow, yeah, as an adult, nobody's going to tell me what to do. That's kind of scary and also very exciting. What is in keeping with my values instead of just what does mom say? What do I want to do?
00:32:55
Speaker
as far as how I believe and how I want to show up in the world. And that is where you help create this adult that is going to always live in keeping, live with integrity. Yeah. Those are such good thoughts about, it's hard to think when our kid is rebelling against us that rebellion is a good thing. But I want to encourage you
00:33:18
Speaker
If you have a child that's rebelling, don't make it about you. Don't take it personal. Don't make it about you. Separation must happen. It's got to happen. And I'm pretty sure you can think of someone in your life that you observe or that you have a relationship with that has not... No, let me say it this way. The most unhealthy relationships come when there is a dysfunction in that separation of parent and child.
00:33:48
Speaker
So it's either the parent isn't letting the child separate or the child isn't wanting to separate. Such dysfunction and unhealthiness comes into relationships when we want our kids to grow up and be independent of us. And that makes the most healthy, well-adjusted kids. And rebellion is part of that because they have to separate.
00:34:13
Speaker
examine why they believe what they believe. And that starts with examining what we've taught them and why. And so it's like, just don't take it personal. It's not about you. It's about them and about them discovering who they are in the world.
00:34:29
Speaker
that's so well said. And I also love to sometimes think, well sometimes it's painful to think this way, but sometimes I like to think about how my kids will be different from me when they grow up. I think they might marry someone that I don't see any good in or that I like struggle to relate to, right? They might choose to have no children. They might choose to live in a place that I can't see any wisdom in living in. They might educate their children differently than I did. They might
00:34:53
Speaker
you know live a different political leaning or this or that their lives could be completely different from mine and i will still love them and hopefully accept them as best i know how even if they end up vastly different from me because i have taught them everything that i think is important and i have allowed them
00:35:09
Speaker
to make their own choices. And I think that's the crucial final thought that I want to point on is that above all, their power to choose is the most important. And the only reason I know that is because God allows us our power to choose, even when we do stupid, terrible, awful things to each other. It's still important that we make these choices for whatever reason. I'm not sure I fully understand that right now because I'm like, really, really, you're just going to let people do this.
00:35:32
Speaker
i believe that honoring their power to choose is even more important than enforcing the right choice because they have to learn it on their own as much as we might want them we cannot take that from them we cannot force them and when we try to it very often backfires so allowing ourselves to let go and
00:35:49
Speaker
them embrace that power to choose and us to embrace watching them fail and stumble and succeed and be the adults that we hope for them to be. It's an amazing journey. It's terrifying and scary and sad sometimes, but it's also so beautiful.
00:36:04
Speaker
Well, guys, that's it for this episode. We hope something that we have said or some of these tips that we've given have helped you if you're having a child that's going through some rebelliousness or just being a rascal. We hope that something we've said has helped you to look at it maybe a little bit differently or deal with them a little bit differently. And we want to thank you for listening this week. That's it for this episode. I'm Audrey. I'm Bonnie. And we're outnumbered.
00:36:35
Speaker
Thanks for listening friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.
00:37:05
Speaker
And some other stuff we can't remember. Yeah, I like other ones. You want to go check them out. We'll link them in the show notes after we go research and remember what they all are. We're forgetting because we don't want to remember this kind of thing. We don't want to remember these desirable traits. Let me try that again. I think you should have left it. It sounds great. Forgetfulness is that one.