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Got a Troublemaker? 14 Tips to Help Your Child Stop Causing Fights {Episode 203}
569 Plays2 years ago
If you have more than one child, chances are good that one of them might be more prone to causing trouble than the others. And if you have a large family like Audrey and Bonnie, you might even have more than one!
Come with us this week as we dive into the "why" behind these types of behaviors and what we, as parents, can do to change our own mindsets around these children and to set them up for success.
Bonnie's guide to building a business for moms
Audrey's sewing pattern shop
Episode 38 - Sibling Rivalry
Episode 196 - Getting Kids to Listen
Episode 42 - Guest Andee Martineau on connective parenting
Episode 322 - One on One Time
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Troublemakers and Parenting Tips
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey guys, today we have an episode for you all about troublemakers and we have some really helpful, hopefully you'll find it helpful information. We have 14 amazing tips for you on how to deal with that kid who's being a troublemaker.
00:00:24
Speaker
Hello and welcome to Outnumbered the Podcast. I'm Audrey. And I'm Bonnie. We are experienced moms to a combined total of 19 children. In our weekly episodes, we explore relatable topics using our perspectives of humor and chaos. Tune in for advice and encouragement to gain more joy in your parenting journey.
Humor in Parenting Troubles
00:00:49
Speaker
Hey, you guys. We are excited to talk to you today about our topic.
00:00:54
Speaker
Uh, troublemakers. Yes. We're excited to talk about troublemakers. But first, Bonnie is going to get us started off on the right foot with some humor.
Positive Reinforcement vs. Yelling
00:01:04
Speaker
That's right. We, I'm sure, all have hilarious stories about a child who's caused trouble, but I think most families have at least one, if not two, if you have a larger family, of those kids who always seem to be in the middle of all the fights, right? So I have one of these, and I remember I was reading a lot of parenting books at the time, and many of them were saying, just make sure that you are
00:01:25
Speaker
constantly focusing on the good of this child, right? That every interaction with this child is not negative, right? And so I remember thinking this all day and my kid was play fighting with another sibling and the other sibling happened to whack him with a spatula or something and he was upset and he yelled and then he took, he had a metal pot lid, I think I may have told the story before, he had a metal pot lid that he was using as a shield and he
00:01:53
Speaker
lifted it over his head like, oh, that thing is going to fly. And I went, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And he looked at me like I'm in trouble. And I just said, and then he kind of slowly lowered it. And I said, thank you so much for not throwing the metal pot lid at your brother. And he just looked at me like I was a lunatic. But it worked. He totally dropped it. I mean, partially just because he was caught out by mom. But I thought, otherwise, I would have just yelled at him. And that was just a lovely experience of, yeah,
00:02:21
Speaker
Encourage, you know, like complimenting my child and not flinging a metal potlet at his brother's head. Oh boy Yeah, that have been some stitches involved But yeah, that's good that one was good enough to share again if we've showed it before I can't remember
00:02:39
Speaker
because we're getting, we're past 200 episodes now, you guys. And so we have shared so much content here. But Bonnie and I decided to start doing something new.
Projects and Coaching for Moms
00:02:48
Speaker
You guys, if you've listened to more than just a couple of episodes, you know that we both have other stuff that we do besides the podcast and the whole parent gig that we both have going on.
00:03:00
Speaker
And so we want to start sharing with you guys a little bit about everything else that we're doing. Yeah, that's right. So right now, what I'm working on is on a coaching program for moms who are really wanting to start a business or even just considering it, but are totally stuck and have no idea where to start. So Audrey and I have been doing something like that for a long time, some sort of side hustle, some sort of something on the side to help keep us sane for many years. So I'm actually working on a course, which will come out in the next couple of months. But in the meantime,
00:03:29
Speaker
You can download a free guide if that's something that's interesting to you. It's a free guide all about finding this passion and learning how to monetize it. So we'll include the link for that in the show notes. That is really awesome. I think that's going to be a valuable tool to a lot of moms and people out there looking for something else to do. I mean, you and I completely understand that. The need to feel like more than a mom.
00:03:51
Speaker
Okay, over at Project Run and Play, we have just released a mini collection of pajamas. So this time of year, a lot of people are thinking about sewing pajamas, sewing Christmas pajamas, or matching family pajamas.
00:04:06
Speaker
Going on so we have the cutest set of three patterns that is for pajamas pajama making and we're doing some really fun deals and Stuff with a release on that so go over to project run and play and check that one out, too So cute Christmas pajamas nothing better
00:04:24
Speaker
Okay, so let's talk about these troublemakers.
Reframing 'Troublemaker' and Understanding Needs
00:04:26
Speaker
Now, first of all, we understand that the term troublemaker is probably not the most complimentary term. We're probably not calling our child this to their face, I hope. So that's our first tip. Tip number one, consider reframing your thoughts around this child. Because even though it's very obvious to you and probably your spouse and probably the rest of the family that this kid is the one that's in the thick of all the problems,
00:04:48
Speaker
always considering this child to be the spark in the tinderbox or whatever you want to call them is not super helpful. So sometimes I like to just remind myself that nothing has really gone wrong. This child has a specific set of needs and they're not getting met. And because of that, he or she is acting out in a certain way. So maybe take just a few minutes to rephrase some of those thoughts that are cycling through your head is, oh, this kid always drives me crazy. Oh, why does this kid always fight? What is wrong with this child? Why do you see, you know, to rephrase a little bit of that and just think,
00:05:16
Speaker
Hmm. What needs does this child have that are not getting met? How can I better serve the child? What personality trait does he or she have that I need to better adapt to? Yes. Yes. That is so good. We have talked about not using labels on our kids in past episodes, and that is true. Once you label them a troublemaker, even if it's just in your mind, then you think of them that way, and you're looking for that behavior in them.
00:05:42
Speaker
in your frustration have used the word troublemaker out loud before with that child. Like they're, then they're, they're thinking they're that. And like, okay, guys, we're not judging you because we're like, we've used that phrase. You're such a troublemaker because you're frustrated and it's, it's trouble because it's trouble for you. So one, one time I had a kid who was being a troublemaker and I said, why are you always doing this?
Control, Power, and Children's Behavior
00:06:10
Speaker
And they just honestly looked at me in the face and said,
00:06:12
Speaker
i don't know why it's this like this thing i feel like i need to do so then i started to think about it okay hang on we have to i have to start thinking differently about trouble because it's trouble for me but this is like i don't know you guys stick with me here for a second because it's gonna get signed count sound kind of weird
00:06:33
Speaker
But being a troublemaker is actually kind of a control issue. So this child has figured out that if I do X, then Y happens. So I can make Y happen by doing X. Does that make sense?
00:06:51
Speaker
Yeah. So they, so it's like a cause and effect thing. It's a, Hey, look, I can control somebody else. I can make them do Y. All I have to do is do X. And so that, that is a skill that is a, I don't know what else you want to call it. It's not, um, a skill that we like to see them doing against their siblings for bad, but what if in the future we help them through some of these things that we're going to talk about in the rest of the episode.
00:07:18
Speaker
What if we help them figure out how to use this ability to make other people react in a certain manner for good? Wouldn't that be a powerful tool that we wanted our kids to have, a powerful skill? And so some kids just kind of can innately see this. They can see if I want this result to happen, then I can do this and this and this to make it happen.
00:07:43
Speaker
And when we help them through the rest of the things we're going to talk about in the rest of the podcast to channel that in a good or helpful or positive direction, we're actually helping this kid build a skill that like it's hard for me to see it this way. It's like I'm having trouble explaining it this way because it is not in me. I do not have the ability to look and see, okay, I want this end result. So I'm going to do this behavior. That's going to cause this person to act that way to get that result.
00:08:12
Speaker
I don't have that skill, but some of my kids do. Yeah. And you know, we all have this innate desire to feel powerful, right? In fact, one of the reasons that potty training is such an issue for so many parents and children is it's the first instance that your child has of really exerting some control over you. And they're like, woo, I got the power, you know? And they get it. And they do whatever they can to get mom to react the way they want mom to react. And sometimes that's anger. And we don't get why they would do that.
00:08:41
Speaker
they have power all of a sudden and so especially this tends to happen especially to children who are like the younger ones or in the middle or for me it's one of my children who is stuck in the middle of siblings of the opposite gender feels a little bit isolated there's lots of different reasons but if you can allow this child a taste of what it feels like to be powerful in a in a way that exhibits good that can be a game changer like hey you can use your power for good you can use your power to make somebody love you more and to
00:09:11
Speaker
serve and to bring love into our home instead of anger and frustration, and it takes a little bit of maturity for them to understand that, but that can be really, really life-changing for them.
00:09:22
Speaker
Yes, that is so, so true. So now we're going to jump into the part of the episode where we tell you guys the tools that we use with our kids that have this tendency toward, we're just going to use the term troublemaker during this episode because it's a common term that we have and we all know what we're talking about when we say this. But now that we've kind of flipped the script here for you guys and
00:09:45
Speaker
And you know that this is a skill that we're going to help this child channel toward good in the future. And we're going to share the actual things that we do to help our kids when they have this budding skill. This budding skill causing me trouble wreaking havoc, right?
Identifying Underlying Issues in Behavior
00:10:03
Speaker
Okay, so I always love to, well, I won't say I love, but I know it's essential to try to figure out why this child is acting this way. The easiest thing to do is to just react to yourself, but that doesn't get us anywhere. Figuring out what is going on in this child's life. So a couple of ideas. Could this child be experiencing some bullying or some stress in another area of their life and they're then acting out at home where they feel safest, right? Could they just not be having enough quality time with a parent or there's some disconnected relationship there?
00:10:33
Speaker
Do they have specific needs not being met? These could be special needs. These could be just personality needs. I mentioned on our sensory processing.
00:10:41
Speaker
episode that I have one child who has, it's called hypo, right? When they need more stimulus, right? The hypo sensitivity. And if that child does not get enough stimulus, he acts out. And so this is something that has really opened my eyes to why he tends to be in the center of problems, right? Also sleep and nutrition, a huge one when your child is not sleeping, your child is not eating correctly, lots of misbehaviors. Yeah. Yeah.
00:11:08
Speaker
And they, they, um, make us want to figure out the why so that we can kind of, uh, tamper down the board, you know, the boredom part of it, like, Hey, I'm just going to board. So I'm going to go poke this button and see what happens. Right. So one, one thing I was talking to myself, to my child about if they're doing this whole troublemaking thing is put yourself in the other person's shoes. How would you feel if you were being treated that way?
00:11:33
Speaker
It's like the, you know, the gold rule from the Bible treat others the way you want to be treated. And I definitely exercise that, um, about, uh, how, how would you feel if you were being treated this way? And they all, when I asked them that question, they always respond, no, I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't like it.
00:11:52
Speaker
Yeah, that's a really advanced developmental skill to be able to put yourself in another person's shoes. In fact, I remember when studying psychology that there's a specific age that that tends to come about. So it might take a little while for your child to understand that. But if you can turn it back on them when they are experiencing distress, so like the next time another sibling hurts them, you can say, oh, that doesn't feel good. Does it? Do you remember when you did something that, you know, that is also how they felt. So kind of tie the two together can be helpful.
00:12:21
Speaker
Um, another tip is the attention aspect, right? Which we mentioned already, uh, really quickly. Are they looking for more attention? This comes sometimes from disconnected relationships or just from them needing more interaction. Um, and bad attention is still attention. Kind of like how they say all press is good press, right? It doesn't feel good.
00:12:42
Speaker
for it to be bad attention, but it's still you focusing, usually very one-on-one with that child. And if they're not getting enough of that in a positive way, they will elicit the bad response. It doesn't make a lot of sense to us, but that's the way their little brains work. Right, right. Because it's not bad necessarily labeled as bad to them. They're just like, hey, I can get mom's attention. Mom's paying attention to me now. Yep. Mm-hmm. Look at her now. Look at her go. Again, you know that reaction thing that we were talking about at the beginning.
00:13:12
Speaker
Okay, so one tool that I always use is to give attention to the one who's been injured or hurt first, because then you're emphasizing that that is more important. Okay, so like the tempting thing, I mean, kind of the
00:13:28
Speaker
the normal thing to do is turn around to the troublemaker and say, you stop doing this, you know, like take care of that problem first. Well, the other one just kind of huddles on the floor and cries or whatever is going on. Well, I have found more success when I give attention to the one that's crying first, the hurt, the, you know, the hurt one, even just hurt feelings. I don't mean just, even if it's hurt feelings. So then I'm saying that
00:13:54
Speaker
this is more worthy of attention than the thing that was done to cause it.
Managing Parental Reactions to Misbehavior
00:14:01
Speaker
And we'll deal with the thing that caused it later, but this is the thing that's more worthy of my attention. So that's just kind of like a training thing with the kid who's causing the trouble that you don't get attention for doing this. I actually take attention away from you and spend more attention
00:14:18
Speaker
Probably the kind of attention maybe that you're wanting on this one that's got their feelings hurt or hurt physically or whatever it is. Audrey, this one is so good. I've heard you mention this before and I need to tattoo it on my forehead or something because I get really upset when my kids are fighting and I come storming out of the room
00:14:37
Speaker
looking to just hand out consequences willy-nilly. But that's, like you said, exactly what they're looking for is that attention. And it really does a disservice to the child who has been hurt while I'm out there, you know, giving a verbal lash into a kid. They're just crying on the floor and needing some comfort. And the other thing it does for me is it allows me to calm down in the moment and administer some motherly love and then be more rational and level-headed when I go to confront the child who caused the problem.
00:15:04
Speaker
And very often by that point, their anger has subsided a little bit too, and they tend to take correction a little bit better as well. So all around, that's a great tip. Okay, we're going back to the reaction. Next tip, don't react yourself. This is so difficult. But when we react, we tend to become the kind of person that we don't want to be, right? Reactive behavior is not usually in line with the kinds of virtues and values that we hold dear. It just tends to be
00:15:33
Speaker
an outburst or letting go of some anger or some sort of passion. And if they are doing it to see a reaction out of you, then you are reinforcing that behavior, the one that you're trying to get rid of. So keep your cool, do whatever it takes, walk away for a minute. It's going to be fine if you don't give them a consequence or if you don't come talk to them for a little while, even several hours. But make sure that you have very intentional behaviors when it comes to addressing that child and the problem, not just a reaction.
00:16:03
Speaker
Yep, yep, that is just so hard. So if you do react or you have reacted in the past, like there is value in showing, we've talked about this a lot on the podcast too, is showing your kids honest emotion. Like I think it's better than fake emotion. And then later you come back and you apologize and you say, you know what? I was honestly really angry that this behavior was happening in my house. And so I'm sorry that I was not able to control my reaction.
00:16:32
Speaker
And it's okay, I think, to model that kind of behavior for your kids. Like, where are they going to learn to apologize if they don't learn it at home? And they will also learn that, like, nobody's perfect. So they will learn that when they react badly in the future, that there is the option of coming and apologizing to fix it later. So it's not like, if you do react, it's okay, it's normal.
00:16:55
Speaker
fix it because you're also modeling. Everything we do is like teaching behavior. Oh, Audrey, that reminds me of a funny meme I saw a while ago that was like, I'm actually doing my kids a favor when I completely lose control in front of them because otherwise they're going to grow up and become a mother that completely loses control and wonder what the heck they're doing wrong. But I'm modeling imperfect motherhood for them so they don't freak out when they do the same. That's okay. I'll just tell my kids you're welcome next time I flip out on them. And by the way, you're welcome.
Love Languages and Meeting Emotional Needs
00:17:24
Speaker
Don't be like, what? She's crazy. She's lost it. Okay. Next tip we have for you is figure out their love language. If you figure out their communication style, figure out, go listen to our episode on one-on-one time. And this is more about figuring out your kids and getting to know them better. And then try like not immediately after, or again, it's you're doing that reinforcing thing later and more often in the future. Try to give them.
00:17:53
Speaker
the kind of love and attention that they need and they're looking for that fills their cup so that they're not looking for this attention, even any kind of attention, negative attention or whatever later. Yeah, yeah, that's so great. All right, so next one. If a child gets to the point where they cannot restrain themselves and they are harming others, then they need a little moment of isolation. And honestly, this is something that I do for myself as well.
00:18:21
Speaker
I personally like to communicate that this isn't necessarily a punishment, but it is the consequence of not being able to live in harmony with your family member. So when I also get to the point where I'm losing control, I try to step back, walk away, maybe lock myself in a room for a little bit in order to calm down and show up as the mom I want to be. And you can then teach this same
00:18:40
Speaker
skill to a younger child and say, Oh, we keep our hands to ourselves. It looks like you're having trouble following this rule. Let's go take some time in your room, outside, wherever it may be to calm down, cool those emotions, and then come back and try again. Okay, let's do that. Yeah, I think I've talked about this on our episode way back when about sibling rivalry, which is one of our most popular episodes. You guys, you're having trouble with your kids, siblings, it's fine. It's normal.
00:19:07
Speaker
But I think I talked about this back then. I have, we have a couple different floors on our house, so I'll be like, okay, you guys can't get along. You need to be on separate floors of the house. And then all they can think about is how much they want to spend time with that child that they're not allowed to be on the same floor of the house with. All right. The next tool I use is I teach my kids about internal versus external discipline. I believe we talked about this in our episode on discipline recently. Um,
00:19:35
Speaker
So what I say to my kids is your behavior is showing me that you're not exercising the ability to discipline yourself from inside of you. So that means I, from the outside, have to apply discipline, that external discipline, because you're not able from the inside to make yourself behave in the manner that's expected in this house. So the behavior will happen that I'm wanting in this house. It's just, are you going to make it happen or am I going to apply some external
00:20:04
Speaker
consequences to make it happen.
00:20:06
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. This is reminding me, a lot of what we're saying today is reminding me of our episode with Andy Martineau is one of our early ones. She is a parenting expert and she talks specifically about connective parenting. So healing that relationship and teaching a child how to internally discipline themselves so that the external discipline is not as necessary. She also wrote a book too. So we'll link to that episode and to her book because it's really some great stuff about making sure your kid has what they need from you so that they can behave better as well.
00:20:36
Speaker
Okay. So next tip goes back to my funny story at the beginning. Reward the good behavior, right? As much as humanly possible. I get it. There are some kids that you're going to be like, yeah, that doesn't exist. They don't behave in any way that I want to reward, but they do. They do. And you might have to get creative. Like you might have to say, thank you so much for not throwing a pot lid at your sibling's face because I could tell you really wanted to do that. Even using a past example of where they've misbehaved to praise them for not doing it. So let's say they regularly
00:21:05
Speaker
it regularly ends in a fight when they wrestle with their brother. If they have a wrestling session that ends happily, praise it, right? Any chance you get to see that child using that internal discipline, just give him or her all the praise, hugs, love, lots of positive reinforcement so they know that that's exactly the way you'd like them to behave.
00:21:28
Speaker
Yeah. And this is a point, this is with a little bit older child, this is an idea that you can actually work out kind of a deal with them. So you can say, oh, you know, we've talked about, we've had a discussion, we've talked about how you kind of have this impulse to, you know, poke and cause trouble with your siblings.
Rewards and Positive Consequences
00:21:47
Speaker
If you can go three days with where you are suppressing, you're using internal discipline and you're suppressing this ability to, you know,
00:21:56
Speaker
control them for bad, get a bad reaction because you know how to do it. If you can do that, not do that for three days, then what would you like for a reward, right? And just like work out a little deal with them. An older kid especially, they can think through this and they can help. And then they can apply some of that internal discipline because they're looking forward to that reward and they want that more than they want to practice their little skill of making people react.
00:22:22
Speaker
Okay, the next tip we have for you is it involves 20-year vision. All the time on this podcast, we talk about our family has this 20-year vision, and we just talk to our kids about it often. And so in a case like this with a child that's being a troublemaker, we say, how do you want your family, your siblings, to feel about you in 20 years? Do you want them to want to spend time around you? What do you envision your relationship with your siblings or with your family in 20 years?
00:22:52
Speaker
We envision a family that's close and loves to be together and wants to spend time together. And we want you to be a part of that. And so like, wouldn't you like that? Like you have some really neat siblings and you're a really neat person too. Don't you think that it would be awesome in the 20 years when we're all grownups to spend time together and, you know, ask them to do a little forward thinking, a little play acting.
00:23:14
Speaker
Like, what do you see? Like, what do you see? Where do you see yourself? Where do you see yourself living? Like, how do you see, tell me what would happen if you got together with your sibling in 20 years? Like, what are you guys going to do? How old are you going to be? You know, you start there, something concrete that they can imagine. Okay. So right now you're, you know, 10 in 20 years, you'll be 30. Oh yeah. Okay. 30. So how old would your sibling be? Like, and they kind of get into that. And then you're like, okay, now tell me about an interaction that the two of you have when you're 30 and 32. Like, what's that like?
00:23:45
Speaker
So that is something that they can really get into and it helps them think forward past this time when they're bored or they're seeking attention or they feel like they're competing for their parents, you know, whatever. And they just are stuck in this house together, you know, right? So like when you're not stuck in the house together, don't you want to be together by choice?
00:24:05
Speaker
Yeah. In some of our marriage episodes, we've talked about having a mentor couple for your marriage, and you could even bring up a family that you really admire to your kids. What do you think about so-and-so's family? Have you noticed that even as the kids have turned into adults, they really respect each other and they love coming home and being with their family? Do you think our family should be something like that? It's also okay to bring up an example that's maybe not
00:24:30
Speaker
the ideal and think, I don't really love how these two people get along. How can we avoid ending up where we're always fighting or where there's contention in our home? I think that's a great idea. The other thing I was going to say is that studies have shown that kids who understand their family history are much more resilient when life gets hard. If there's an actual disaster or a catastrophe or a death, they bounce back a lot quicker, something about them understanding their history and where they come from.
00:24:56
Speaker
And I would say that forward thinking is just as important for them to think that their problems really are not as big as they seem today, that in three, five, 10 years, they're not even going to remember them, and they're going to have other things that
Family History, Vision, and Resilience
00:25:08
Speaker
are on their plate. And to look forward to this time of being an adult or getting along with their siblings in a different capacity can really broaden their horizons and help them to see past some of the little squabbles of today.
00:25:22
Speaker
Yes, that is so helpful. It gives them a little tool to use when they have this little impulse or this little urge to work on their skill. Yeah, totally. Okay, so going back to what Audrey was talking about at the beginning of this episode, and that is helping your child channel this desire to have power over someone and elicit a reaction.
00:25:42
Speaker
in a positive way. So we wanted to share just a couple of tips we have for teaching them how to do this, okay? The first thing that came to my mind was like a secret Santa type thing. You don't have to call it that if it's not Christmas, whatever. But very often in order to kind of remind us about
00:25:57
Speaker
Christ and not just presents. At Christmastime, we do little secret service type initiatives where we will make someone's bed and leave them a sweet note, but it's all secret. That's what they love about it, right? It's the secret part. But some sort of opportunity to go treat someone else with kindness. You can do that within your home. You can do that outside of the home. That's also really, really powerful when kids get the opportunity to serve someone in need. Suddenly, their little fights and tiffs do not seem as important.
00:26:27
Speaker
Yeah, that is so true. So this works especially well with a child that's a little bit older and you sit down with them and you have this discussion. Okay, I've noticed something in you. You have a special skill and frame it completely positive. You have this special skill that you know how to do. You know how to get other people to react. I noticed that you have this little thing that you do and you make them, you do this little thing and you get this.
00:26:53
Speaker
If you watch them, you see this little smirk when they're done. It's like, yep, I got that. So then you talk to them. I bet, I challenge you. I bet you can find a way to make people react that's in a positive manner. So how could you make your sister so happy that she is laughing and in an awesome mood? Like, what could you do?
00:27:16
Speaker
Let's, let's make that the end result. Okay. I challenge you because you have this skill and you can figure out how to make people react. So an older child, you can actually have that discussion with them and challenge them like that. And they, and they can get into it and they can start. That's where you, you really start helping them be able to develop this skill for good.
00:27:36
Speaker
in the future. Think about if they're a manager in the future, managing people. If they had this skill that they could help people in their jobs, people that they're managing underneath of them, oh my goodness, that would be so amazing. Another way to teach them to look for ways to influence others with good is
00:27:55
Speaker
to have them start paying attention to what their siblings are complaining about. So this has been a fun thing when we do these like secret service things is to just listen. Oh, it sounds like so-and-so regularly forgets to make her bed and gets in trouble for it or put her clothes away or whatever. That's something I could go help with because it's something that she really struggles with. So they start to pay more attention to what's going on outside of themselves and see where they can intervene in a positive way instead of constantly trying to see where they can elicit a reaction. So that's worked really well for us. Yeah.
00:28:25
Speaker
Yeah you know you can even use that as a consequence. Okay so you have spent today or you know the last hour making your sibling react for bad. Now you're going to spend the next hour and I want you to make your sibling react for good. I can even make it a shorter term thing. All right the last tip that we have for you and this is just something that really is a tip for the kit so I love to pass this along
00:28:47
Speaker
to my kids that are having a little bit of a struggle with this. Um, so I, we do a lot of memorization as part of our homeschool.
Mastering Impulses with Scripture
00:28:55
Speaker
I know I've talked about that in the past, but we have them. I have the child who's struggling with being a troublemaker memorized scripture about being a peacemaker and study in the Bible.
00:29:07
Speaker
what does God think about a peacemaker? And there's verses in the Bible about a troublemaker. It doesn't use that term, but there's verses out there. So then I have them memorize. There's a verse in Matthew five, blessed are the peacemakers for they're called the children of God. So they memorize that one. And then I help them like honestly, genuinely wanting to help them with this little impulse to cause
00:29:27
Speaker
harm or cause bad or cause a negative reaction. Okay. Whenever you feel this little, this little gush inside, I'd be like, Oh, I want to do that. I want to do that. Then pull to mind that scripture that I just helped you memorize. Blessed are the peacemakers for that'll be called the children of God. And that'll just like diffuse it right in that moment. And you'll be able to have some clarity and you don't have to just jump on this impulse that you have. So that's the last tip that I have for you. Just help them memorize a little scripture about being a peacemaker and the blessings that come with that.
00:29:55
Speaker
Yes, peacemaker scriptures are great. Also, there's quite a few about charity, especially in the New Testament. And doing a study of charity will completely change your life and your child as well. And to get them in line with that is really, really powerful.
Parenting as a Privilege and Responsibility
00:30:08
Speaker
Just in conclusion, you guys, these are real needs that our children have, right? Very often it's an impulse thing. Very often it's a attention need. So it's up to us as their parent to discover what the underlying need is and to help them get that met.
00:30:23
Speaker
Sometimes I noticed that for a few of my children, it really is a physical need to be wild, to get some energy out. And if I can see that before they go jump on somebody and hurt them, then we can redirect it. Hey, guess what? It's time to go do sprints down the driveway or it's time to see how far we can jump on the beanbag or whatever it is to get that energy out. Or if I'm seeing that they are being a troublemaker because there's some attention need going on or they're in distress in some way or another.
00:30:51
Speaker
It is up to us to try to head that off before they react inappropriately. Obviously, their behavior is not on us, but these big feelings are very often too much for them to handle and they don't know how to handle them on their own. I have one child in particular who, when he misbehaves afterwards, he shows real remorse and just says things like, I don't know why I do this.
00:31:14
Speaker
I didn't mean to. I didn't want to. And it just breaks my heart to see it, but he just doesn't know how to control that yet. So I get to step in and help him and show him that there's a better way. Yeah, that's so good. Even when it's boredom. I mean, often it's boredom when they resort to honing this skill. So they're just bored. Get them a hobby, get them a chore, get them an activity, something that kind of abates up boredom. If they're not bored, if they're too busy or too interested or too excited about something else, they're not going to resort to this little
00:31:44
Speaker
little troublemaking thing that they have. And my final thoughts here are, guys, I want to go back to what Bonnie said about the beginning about changing our thoughts about troublemaking. Let's look at this as a privilege to help a child who could be headed down a road that could go very bad. The leader of a prison gang, I believe, is the terminology that Bonnie used when we were preparing for this episode. But what if we can, like,
00:32:11
Speaker
help them change their course in life. Isn't that really a powerful thing that we have the privilege to do as a parent? Isn't that amazing? When we look back on our life, I know it's a lot when we're overwhelmed and we're tired and they're just causing trouble and we just want it to stop. It's a lot to keep that big picture in mind. But I don't know some 20-year vision for ourselves. What if we look back on our family in 20 years?
00:32:39
Speaker
And we look around us at our family and they like each other and they like to hang out. And they're good, genuinely good people who are striving to add good to the world. And we can have this sense of accomplishment. Like I helped this happen. I'm partially responsible for these good people in the world. And that's okay. And that's really something that we, like maybe we can see it as a privilege to help children develop the right kind of character for the future and be good people.
00:33:09
Speaker
It's worth it, guys. We get it that it's hard. Just keep trying. That's it for today's episode. We hope you enjoyed it, that it helped you. And if you liked it, we would love it if you would leave a review for us on iTunes. It helps other parents who are maybe struggling with the Troublemaker 2 be able to find the podcast. I'm Audrey. I'm Bonnie. And we're outnumbered.
00:33:35
Speaker
Thanks for listening friends. Click the link in the show notes to subscribe to our email and never miss another episode. Show us some love by leaving a review on iTunes or sharing the podcast with a friend. Thanks for all your support. We'll talk to you next week.