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Everyone Deserves a Judy
95 Plays1 year ago
Meet me, One of your hosts-Nicole :)
In this episode I share the story of the birth of my own daughter Christiana. As a young mom, I knew little about miscarriage and nothing about stillbirth, only finding out some around me had experienced it after my own loss.
I was able to navigate my loss through a local support group, and amazing bereavement nurse, family & friends who "get it", and becoming educated myself so I can parent her in the work I do.
My daughter's legacy lives on in the families I have been fortunate to help over the years and continues as we build this podcast. I am so lucky to be her mama!
Check out my blog for more details of the story!
https://theblindsided.com/2023/10/02/christianas-legacy/
Don't forget to rate and review the show on Apple and Spotify! We appreciate your feedback as we grow!
The episode photo is of myself and my son Sammy, at the church of the Holy Cross in Sedona. This is such a special place as years before I was there praying for a child. A full circle moment.
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Transcript
Introduction to Hosts and Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
Hi, I'm Nicole and I'm Desiree. We are both mothers who run a support group for perinatal loss. Through our group, we have met many wonderful families and have had the honor of hearing about and sometimes meeting their beautiful babies. We noticed that families feel relief when they can share openly and feel seen when they meet others who are telling similar stories. So we created this podcast as a space for families to share the stories of their babies.
00:00:23
Speaker
We want to honor and remember these children. We want to help you navigate your life after loss. And most importantly, we want each story to give you hope. So please join us as we share these stories of grief and love.
Nicole's Pregnancy Journey and Loss
00:00:36
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast.
00:00:41
Speaker
Welcome to the Blindsided Podcast. I'm here today with your normal host, Nicole Bruno, but instead of interviewing, she's going to be interviewed by me, Desiree Miller. So Nicole, can you share your personal story and journey through pregnancy and infant loss as a young mom? Absolutely.
00:00:56
Speaker
I got pregnant and I was 20 years old. I don't want to say I didn't want to be pregnant, but I wasn't planning it. It wasn't anything that was planned. It just happened and I wasn't preventing it either. So I was very upset at first, but then as the pregnancy went on, I got excited and was really excited to meet her. I had an easy pregnancy, not many issues. I had like a little bit of swelling, but other than that, and like Harper, other than that, the pregnancy was super easy and
00:01:25
Speaker
I really loved it. Um, and then I went into labor on my due date that last couple of weeks, I had been really uncomfortable and I was really eager to go into labor. I was like doing different like traditions to try to induce the labor. So like oil.
00:01:41
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Like home remedies. Yeah. Home remedies. And then I went into labor on my due date actually. So I woke up and I was having contractions and I kind of waited to go to the hospital. We had called and they said like, if they aren't this far apart, you know, you should stay home. But I was really in a lot of pain. So we finally went to the hospital. And then when we got there,
00:02:04
Speaker
We went into the room and the nurse tried to put me on the monitor and she couldn't find a heartbeat.
Coping with Loss and Family Support
00:02:10
Speaker
She just kind of looked scared, not scared, but her demeanor definitely changed and she went out and got the midwives.
00:02:21
Speaker
Um, and our midwife and some other nurses came in, they tried to put me on the monitor and they brought in an ultrasound. And I remember my midwife, she like grabbed my hands and I looked up at her while they were doing the ultrasound and she just shook her head. No, she didn't have to say anything. And I knew that, you know, she was gone. So you were young. I think you said you were 19 or you were told before. So how do you even process something like that at 19 years old?
00:02:49
Speaker
Honestly, it was not even anything that I thought could occur. Like I didn't know that this was even a possibility. And I know that sounds so dumb, but I really, I didn't know anybody who had talked about their pregnancy loss before. I didn't know anybody. I knew people who had had them, but they'd never talked to me about it before. And I didn't know of it. So it was shocking. Yeah. Everything was flipped upside down. I had no idea what to do.
00:03:15
Speaker
And I don't even think that's an age thing. I think it's a first time pregnancy thing for most of us because you just, you know, about miscarriages, but after like the first trimester, you think that, okay, you know, everything's good right now. So I'm going to meet my baby at nine months. Um, so did you call your family? Did you, you know, birth with her?
00:03:35
Speaker
So we called our families. His mom was actually working at the hospital that day on like the labor and delivery unit. She worked for environmental services and my mom did too, but she was off that day. So I called my mom and she was already on her way to the hospital because she was going to come and be like a labor support. And I didn't tell her. I just said like, Hey, where are you? Because I didn't want her to be like upset driving.
00:04:01
Speaker
you know, panicking, rushing for no reason. And I knew she would be so upset. So I just waited until she got there to tell her and she walked in the room and she knew like there was no, you know, she just kept saying, what's wrong? What's wrong? And yeah, it was, it was horrible. It's funny how you try to protect, you're trying to protect your mom from being upset at a time when you think of her like that.
00:04:24
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So she came and, um, then my contractions were still going. So I'm in labor and I'm in a lot of pain plus this. And it's so crazy. Like I did, I know it, like I remember crying, but like, I didn't cry a lot for the labor and stuff. Like, I don't know if it was because of the pain or just like the shock of it, but I remember a member of his family coming in and I wasn't crying and she was like, what's going on? Like, I think she was shocked by the fact that I wasn't, you know,
00:04:54
Speaker
I'm like, just in shock. But yeah, so I ended up getting an epidural and they started Pitocin and I ended up being like 10 centimeters by three in the afternoon.
Birth Experience and Aftermath
00:05:06
Speaker
And I pushed with her for like 40 minutes. And when the pushing was like horrible, I remember like thinking like not wanting it to be over almost because I knew that that was, I was going to see her and I was really afraid. And then the last push.
00:05:23
Speaker
I'll never forget it because it was so quiet. And then like someone just lailed, like someone cried and they, I said, I didn't want to see her. Like I was very scared. So they took her out. His family went with her and helped clean her up. And the nurses did too. And then I didn't see her again until like a couple hours later because I was scared. Yeah. That's what you hear all the times. People are just nervous. It's like, are they going to look like a baby? And she probably looked beautiful.
00:05:50
Speaker
Yeah, she did. She did have a, she was, had a cord accident. So the cord was wrapped around her neck three times. And it was very tight when I was pushing, they had to like cut it. And then I was able to deliver, you know, her body, but it stopped with her head because of the cord. And she had like a little skin damage on her neck from the cord being so tight.
00:06:11
Speaker
Um, but she, yeah, she looked perfect. She had like really dark hair and blue eyes. And my partner also has really dark hair too. So she looked like him. What did she weigh? She weighed seven pounds and 11 ounces and she was 22 inches long. Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. She's a big baby. Yeah. I mean the size is the weight is, but yeah, her length holds account. Um, so did you keep her in the room with you? What did you do after birth?
00:06:40
Speaker
I did not. Things were different back then too. So this is, you know, 14 years ago, there was no cuddle caught. There was no cooling anything. I, she, they brought her back to me after like a couple hours. Um, I remember my epidural had been worn off. I was already walking around and they brought her in. And I mean, we just sobbed over the cradle. Like when they brought her in, when we saw her, we are just crying.
00:07:03
Speaker
and we couldn't stay with her like we were just so upset and we didn't have anyone there saying like you know it's okay to be upset like push your feelings aside which is you know what I tried to say as a nurse to patients going through this because I know like what I missed out on but she stayed with us for a few short minutes
00:07:25
Speaker
And it was probably longer. I don't know. In my head, it was a few short minutes and then they wheeled her back out. But I do know like my mom and his mom that helps clean her up and took pictures with her and stuff. So she knew love and she knew us. And I am at peace with it now. At first, I was not, you know, especially hearing other people spending a lot of time with their babies.
00:07:47
Speaker
It wasn't normalized back then, even with the staff. Yeah, yeah. I know it's crazy how much things have changed for the better in that way. Yeah, definitely. It just doesn't make you think like, I wish I could go back and do. Even if you do, we talk about this all the time at group. People say, I spent an hour or two hours, but so-and-so spent three days with their baby.
00:08:10
Speaker
But I can guarantee you the people that spend three
Impact on Relationships and Fertility Challenges
00:08:12
Speaker
days and you know, it's still not enough. Like when is enough? Yeah. There's, there's never enough time. No. So I'm glad that you got to spend time with her and see her though, because some people, you know, personally don't even get that. Yeah. And I can't imagine that regret. And it's right for them at the time, but looking back, I wish they had someone in their corner advocating and saying, Hey, you at least have to do this, you know?
00:08:34
Speaker
Yeah, yeah. I had a great care team. My midwife came to my daughter's funeral, the nurses I built bonds with, and then when I became a nurse, I worked with them. I was very fortunate. So after, is that probably what broke up your relationship with her dad? And like, how did you move forward? Because again, you were 19 years old. Like, what did you do for support? What did you do after you went home?
00:08:56
Speaker
So we didn't have a great relationship to begin with. So it wasn't like we were on solid grounds and we were young. So we did not end up staying together. We both grieved very differently and I was young and didn't understand his grief and I don't think I had the capacity to. I was just trying to get through myself and he did not show his grief like I did.
00:09:19
Speaker
and I was at her grave every day and he did not do that and I couldn't understand why. So we ended up breaking up like a couple months later. It was a good decision. It was the right thing because it wouldn't have lasted or ended well if we had stayed together. He grieved his way, I grieved my way, but it was not equal.
00:09:41
Speaker
So that brings me to when you met your now husband, when you got together and talked about having kids, did you have any difficulty trying to get pregnant again? Because obviously the first time you didn't even plan it, you know, it just happened.
00:09:54
Speaker
Yeah, so we both knew we wanted kids, and we hoped to have a lot of kids. We wanted to have a lot of children. And after we got married, we just started trying right away. And I had a miscarriage. And then I just thought, like, I got to get into fertility. We kept trying for a few more months. And I was like, I just want this to happen, because we're at a good place right now. And this is what we both want for our lives. So I started going to the fertility doctors.
00:10:23
Speaker
They couldn't find anything, but I couldn't get pregnant and I kept going. We did the, what do you call it? Like the IUI, IVF? It's no. Before IUI, they do timed intercourse, I guess. Oh, okay. Yeah. And then you'll do IUI, did a few rounds of that. And then we went into IVF and we got quite a few embryos from
00:10:47
Speaker
and we did four transfers. I had a miscarriage, the first one, and then after that,
Adoption Journey and Finding Completeness
00:10:54
Speaker
nothing would stick.
00:10:55
Speaker
I've had a total of like eight miscarriages. Um, my gosh. Yeah. So we, I couldn't do it anymore. I was done. I kept trying just for him because he wasn't in a place to be done. And then when he was, we decided on adoption and it kind of just fell into our lap. We were set to adopt a baby in January of 2019 and the mom backed out the day the baby was born.
00:11:22
Speaker
And the baby was born on my daughter's birthday, Christiana's birthday. Yeah. Um, so I was like, Oh, this is meant to be her due date. What was that day? And she went into labor that day, but it wasn't meant to be, she backed out and yeah. So we were pretty devastated after all the years of fertility treatments. So that was like from 2015 to 2019 or 2018 we did fertility treatments and we did a lot, um, spend a lot of money. I was going to ask you really fast. Did your insurance cover that?
00:11:52
Speaker
No, not at all. I think they covered some of the ultrasounds, but treatments. Yeah. Yeah. So we were in the hole with that. We went to, um, we went to adoption and then she backed out. So it was like, you know, we lost a lot more money, but then that was January and June we adopted my son and we were so grateful for him. Um, that just kind of fell into our laps as well. And it was.
00:12:20
Speaker
Perfect. It couldn't have been easier. And that's how we knew it was right because it was so easy and he's great. He's four years old now and he's perfect. He is perfect. Smart little kid there. His name is Sammy. Samuel means gift from God. And so that's why the biblical story of Samuel, that's why we chose that name because his mom, Hannah couldn't get pregnant and then God gave her a son and she named him Samuel.
00:12:49
Speaker
Yeah, she prayed and prayed. So that's why I chose that name.
Raising Awareness and Career Inspiration
00:12:53
Speaker
So can you talk about the importance of raising awareness about parenting infant loss and support available for young moms now in similar situations? Because like I said earlier, especially when you're young, more so when you're young, you don't realize, I guess you just see the world through, I don't know, they say rose colored glasses. Yeah. Everything is going to be like, you know, you get pregnant and you're young, you just don't know what you don't know.
00:13:16
Speaker
So on a previous episode with Jackie, she talked about, you know, raising awareness and actually going to schools in districts where they have a high teen pregnancy rate. And I definitely was in one of those districts in Carmeling County. And she goes to these health classes and teaches the kids about these like, you could have a stillbirth, you could have miscarriage, there are ways that pregnancy can go wrong.
00:13:40
Speaker
And just so that they know that this is a possibility, this happens to people and it's really common actually. I think that that is super important because like what Jackie's doing with education, also we need to break the silence about these issues surrounding pregnancy and infant loss and normalize it because it happens so often. And the more we normalize it,
00:14:04
Speaker
the more research will be done into the causes and after care and also is important because listening to other stories through the podcasts can be validating to those who are experiencing the same situations and have the same feelings and emotions.
00:14:24
Speaker
and also to help them figure out how to navigate it. Some of our lost moms offer how they've dealt with their grief and these tips may be helpful to our listeners. So in your own journey, were there any resources that you found helpful?
00:14:39
Speaker
Yes, so many people have found this person helpful to them in my area. Her name is Judy Fourn and she's my angel. Judy was a bereavement nurse at the hospital I delivered at and she came in the day I delivered my daughter and
00:14:56
Speaker
immediately, like, helped me, followed up with me after I left the hospital, contacted me to come to the support group, visited me in my home when I, like, didn't want to leave or go anywhere. She came to my house, which I think is so important, and hospitals don't do that anymore. But when you're in that state, you don't want to leave or go anywhere, you know? And she really helped me out.
00:15:21
Speaker
She was my inspiration to be a labor and delivery nurse and to be a nurse and to help people who are experiencing pregnancy and infant loss. So everybody deserves a duty and I'm so thankful that I had mine. And so from there, you know, she has a support group and you, she had a support group and you went to her support group and found that helpful.
00:15:41
Speaker
Oh yeah, I still remember the two moms that were in group with me the whole time, Simba Line was one and Rhonda, but they were very helpful to me. I made such good connections with them and
00:15:57
Speaker
it helped to have someone who went through the same thing or similar thing that could relate to what I was going through in that moment because like I said I had no idea you know what I was doing or what to expect and it was it was awesome so we met once once a month at the hospital where I delivered and it was it was great we became friends we would see each other outside of group and
00:16:20
Speaker
It was good. It was nice. It was like therapy because I did not have access to therapy. Unfortunately, I was working at Toys R Us. I didn't make a lot of money and I had Medicaid and it cut off after my six week postpartum. So I wanted to go to therapy or counseling just for my own mental well-being and I didn't have insurance. I couldn't go. I could not afford it at all.
00:16:45
Speaker
to pay out of pocket. So unfortunately, the state, if you don't have a baby, they cut you off. That's like something, I think we were talking about it with Julie, the other podcast episode that we'll be putting out, but she works with therapists and they want to donate at a reduced rate, which Julie's organization would cover about three sessions for people who really need it, like lost moms and lost dads, and just can't afford it. I think that's something beautiful. More organizations should try to do something like that.
00:17:12
Speaker
I agree. Like you said, yeah, when you're young, you just even if you're older, it doesn't matter. Like you're not planning on you're planning for this baby. You're not planning on all of these emotional and mental health struggles. Yeah, even the cost of the funeral, like people gave us money. And that's how we were able to pay for that. Like I never would have been able to pay for that.
00:17:30
Speaker
even her grave site was donated from my family because it's like a family plot. Yeah, you wouldn't have had that to go to. So people that have never experienced pregnancy and infant loss, what advice would you give them to be empathetic or sympathetic or help someone when they do have a friend or family that goes
Advice on Supporting Perinatal Loss
00:17:48
Speaker
through that?
00:17:48
Speaker
So I'm just going to go off of what I experienced in my, my own grief was that the things that were most helpful to me were people who just listened and didn't offer their two cents or say anything cliche. Um, I think that the most important thing you can do is just be present. Listen, don't try to correct. Like if someone's saying how they feel, don't try to correct there or say they shouldn't feel that way, you know, and that grief.
00:18:15
Speaker
takes a long time. It's a lifetime of grief and it ebbs and flows. So just because someone is sad thinking about their baby doesn't mean that they're not getting over it. There's no getting over it. It's just learning to live with it and learning this new normal. Just being present for that and, you know, not judging.
00:18:36
Speaker
Yeah. It's so crazy too, because when you go to support groups or you listen to these podcasts, like the one that we do, I'm listening to another podcast that the host, and this is consistent throughout, you know, different episodes, you know, the mom will explain her loss and she compares. Oh yeah. When I was, and she does that the whole episode and it really bothers me as an outsider, I've never had a pregnancy loss, but you know, I don't want to compare my story to your story because everybody's, it doesn't matter if they're the same, same weeks, you know,
00:19:03
Speaker
Everybody's story is so different. So it's even to people who have experienced a loss when you're talking to someone trying to help them, it's okay to say that you had a loss. I think, I just think like control yourself when comparing, you know, situations, because they, that's not what they need at the time. They just need you to listen. Like you said.
00:19:19
Speaker
Yeah, I think when we put out the blog and I posted my story, a lot of people were surprised. I usually don't share my story at groups, support groups that we run or with families I've met through the hospital because it's not about me. And I just wanted to be there for them in their moment. But it was really good to share it because I got so much awesome feedback from people. And I felt so loved.
00:19:48
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And it's funny. I've known you for, I don't know how long I've known you for a couple of years and I didn't know the whole story. I didn't know all of that. Even today I learned new things. Yeah. Because you don't, you're really, really, really good at holding space. So through sharing your story here and the podcast that we host together, what do you hope the impact's going to be?
00:20:07
Speaker
My hope is that for people who are listening, who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss, that they feel a sense of camaraderie. That these stories resonate with them and they have their own little virtual support group because I know that a lot of people don't have access to that or are not in the place to even come and meet new people because it's hard. It's hard to do that. It's hard to socialize.
00:20:29
Speaker
when you're grieving and you're just surviving, you know, you are socializing. So that is my hope that the people listening feel connection to these stories and it helps them in their grief to hear people going through similar things and that the people that are telling their stories share their legacy of their babies and feel a sense of pride in that.
00:20:50
Speaker
It's like so true. I don't know if you felt this way, but did you feel like you lost some relationships that you had had in the past, but through like the support groups, you're gaining such better friendships out of a crazy way you never thought. Yeah. I feel like this is my family. I don't have a lot of close relationships with my blood family. And I feel like I'm making my own family as I go. And I'm okay with that. I'm very content, but it was through my grief that I, you know, I lost those connections. So.
00:21:20
Speaker
Yeah. Is there anything else that you would like to share about your experience or about Christiana that I haven't asked you?
Cherished Memories and Farewell
00:21:27
Speaker
Oh yeah. Just one beautiful thing that I carry with me is on the day of her funeral, we all went to the cemetery and it was January 19th or I'm sorry, it wasn't the 19th. That's the day she was born.
00:21:40
Speaker
Um, it was the 24th and she, it was so cold. And as we're standing there at the grave site and someone was praying, I don't remember who it could have been my dad. It started to snow. And after the ceremony was finished, everybody just kind of stood around. I've never been to a funeral. It was so strange. Nobody wanted to leave. Nobody wanted to leave us there. And I was so sad because I thought, Oh my God, it's so cold. And here I am.
00:22:10
Speaker
I'm leaving my baby in the cold. So, um, and now when it snows, I always think of her. I do. I'm sorry. Why are you sorry? Uh, when it snows, I think of her and the first three years, like it didn't snow last year at all, but the first three years of my son's life has snowed and I would take him outside and it was such a, he loves it. And it was such a beautiful thing and I just felt like they were together.
00:22:37
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You remind me of like having him make a snow angel, just laying on the ground and making a snow angel for her. Oh, I have pictures of it. Yeah. See? We did it. Yeah. I could picture that. Yeah. It was just really, really sad, but really beautiful at the same time. I didn't expect to cry. So.
00:22:56
Speaker
That's one of the, the memories, like I, I'll never forget. And it reminds me of her when it snows like that, really beautiful. Again, I, something I did not know. It sounds so beautiful. Yeah. Yeah. Like you said, I hurt your mom heart because you had to leave your daughter there. And to us it's cold, but we know it's just her body. Yeah. Yeah.
00:23:17
Speaker
Yeah. And I know that too. I don't know something about, um, I even like at the funeral home, cause it was so cold. I had them put extra blank, like another blanket in the, yeah, I was. Yeah. That's how you parented. We always say that that's how you're parenting your baby. Yeah. God, she knew a lot of love in that little bit of time. Dez, thanks for interviewing me and helping me to share my story with our listeners.
00:23:46
Speaker
Thank you so much for tuning into the latest episode of the blindsided podcast. We truly appreciate your support and time you spent with us. If you have a personal story you'd like to share on the show, don't hesitate to reach out to us. You can send us an email at Nicole with the blindsided.com or Desiree at the blindsided.com.
00:24:04
Speaker
For more episodes, make sure to follow on your favorite podcast app. Just search the blindsided podcast and hit that follow button. You can also connect with us on social media too. You can find us on Facebook and Instagram at the blindsided podcast.
00:24:19
Speaker
We love engaging with our listeners and hearing your thoughts on each episode. And before you go, consider leaving a rating and review for our show. Your feedback helps us reach more listeners who might find value in the stories and discussions we share. Once again, thank you for listening and being a part of the Blindsided community.