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Ep. 16: Overcoming the Stigma of Being an Overweight Teen, with Margaret Steffie
116 Plays4 years ago
Is your teenager struggling with their weight or body image?
My guest today knows all about feeling uncomfortable in her body, and the negativity from friends and peers at school that can come with that.
Margaret Steffie says she was never the fit kid – she openly admits that as a teen, she was more likely to be found curled up with a book than playing sports, but she also suffered with food intolerances that made her bloated and demotivated around her health.
We talk about how Margaret had her weight medicalised at a very young age, and the impact this had on her perception of herself.
We also talk about bullying due to weight issues, comfort eating, and how even well-intended comments about what she was eating, or how much she was exercising, contributed to her struggle to be healthy.
Margaret has since revolutionised her approach to her weight and health. She is now a health coach, personal trainer, and group fitness instructor with her own podcast – Margaret’s Healthy Hour. She says her goal is to help women skyrocket their energy and find their purpose in life.
Advice for parents with teens who are struggling with their weight
The big take home for me as a mum was Margaret’s advice to parents to take a step back from their children’s problems, and to have faith in the process they’re going through.
This is something that’s really been on my mind recently. As parents we start our journeys with our children trying to maintain control – necessarily, and sometimes for their safety! But that makes it difficult for us to stand by and watch when our kids are struggling with something, or to allow them to make mistakes.
And yet, we do eventually have to hand over full control to our children – and that’s ultimately what we want too, however difficult it is to accept.
Margaret’s other super piece of wisdom is that no one can be led into a lifestyle change without being ready for it, and that by pushing our children into certain courses of action, we might actually be doing more harm than good.
Have a listen to what she says about her conversations with her parents now, and how it’s helping them to understand what she and her siblings need.
Where to get help if you're being bullied about your weight
As well as talking to the pastoral team at school, you might find useful advice on bullying from these websites aimed specifically at teenagers:
- National Bullying Helpline
- The Mix - essential support for under 25's
- Young Minds
Where to find Margaret
- margaretsteffie.com
- Email Margaret on [email protected]
More teen mental health resources
There are lots more episodes of the Teenage Kicks podcast – do have a browse and see if I’ve covered anything else you might find useful. And if you have a suggestion of something you’d like to see talked about on the podcast please do email me on [email protected] I have loads more fabulous guests coming up to help families navigate some of the most complicated – but wonderful – teenage parenting years. I’ve also got some posts on the blog that might help parents with other teenage parenting dilemmas, so do pop over to Actually Mummy if you fancy a read.</
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Transcript
Introduction to Teenage Kicks Podcast
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to the Teenage Kicks podcast where we take the theatre out of parenting or becoming a teenager. Every week I talk to someone who's been through something difficult as a teenager but come out the other side in a good place and has made a real success of their life since.
Margaret's Teenage Body Image Struggles
00:00:23
Speaker
Is your teenager struggling with their weight or body image?
00:00:28
Speaker
My guest today knows all about feeling uncomfortable in her body and the negativity from friends and peers at school that that sometimes brings. Margaret Steffie was never the fit kid, she says. She openly admits that as a teen, she was more likely to be found curled up with a book, that's my kind of activity too, than playing sports. But she also suffered with food intolerances that made her bloated and demotivated around her health.
Becoming a Health Coach and Empowering Women
00:00:57
Speaker
Margaret is now a health coach, a personal trainer and a group fitness instructor with her own podcast, Margaret's Healthy Hour. She says her goal is to help women skyrocket their energy and find purpose in life.
Exercise as Enjoyment: A Holistic Approach
00:01:13
Speaker
Margaret, welcome to the podcast. What a transformation you've achieved to go from a demotivated teenager to an active and healthy woman who's turned exercise into how you now make your living.
00:01:26
Speaker
Yeah, thank you. Yeah, it's definitely a shift to think about how I was that at that point in time to where I am now. I mean, and there's still similarities for sure. In my later high school years, I felt that I had to work out because I was trying to lose weight or something like that. And now I do enjoy to work out and sometimes sometimes still feel that I have to. I mean, it's 9am here.
00:01:53
Speaker
and I originally planned to work out prior to this but woke up just a little tired so it's happening later when I know I'll be a lot more motivated to do it. Yeah, that happens to me all the time. I've come to exercise much later in life in terms of enjoying it but there are mornings when I think maybe I'll do something and then just wake up and it's not the day, it's not the right time.
00:02:18
Speaker
So that's okay with you as a fitness coach and health coach. That's an okay thing to just put off exercise if it's not working for you today. Definitely. I mean, I usually will do something every day, but have become more willing to let myself look into what I enjoy and feel what my body needs. Where even a year ago, I probably would have very much
00:02:45
Speaker
been like, nope, it has to be this. It has to happen now. And it has to happen to this quality. And while I did get some results with that, I also I think just there was less enjoyment and as a result.
00:02:59
Speaker
as it's progressed through actually this year, I burnt out because of how I was pushing myself into that mentality. Okay. Oh, that's interesting. Let's talk more about that. I do think where exercise and diet is concerned, there's a lot of
00:03:15
Speaker
there's a lot of extremes and a lot of kind of limits or this is not what this is not what this episode is about. I do feel like there's a lot of limits we we put on ourselves and a lot of goals that we feel we've failed if we don't achieve. And it's, it's, it's much more important to as you say, as it says on your website, to be a bit holistic about the whole thing and take it as a
00:03:44
Speaker
a whole body health goal as a long term thing, a lifestyle thing rather than a, rather than an end
Early Weight Struggles and Medical Advice Impact
00:03:51
Speaker
goal. Does that, am I making sense? I'm not. Yeah, completely. I mean, and I think from, again, everything, even being a health coach, it's a learning process for myself and my own systems. But some of that I think came about, I had been running, I've been running since high school and was running hard.
00:04:11
Speaker
and pushing myself six, seven days a week sometimes training. And it got to a point actually where I got injured and it took me getting to that point to realize that my practices would not be sustainable for the fact that I injured myself and then could not do anything. So I was like well then I need to be able to do something in my training or change it or change my lifestyle that it is sustainable.
00:04:40
Speaker
sustainable, that's such a great word because it has to be something that you can do kind of for the long term rather than, I think so many people, well, that's what the whole diet industry is about, isn't it? So many people are fixated on a fast end goal and doing as much as possible to get there. And as you say, burnout is a massive issue when you try to do that. Yeah.
00:05:07
Speaker
We've kind of turned the podcast right on its head because we would have got to that eventually. We will come back to that. But that is just fascinating. The whole holistic, intuitive exercise. I use, just as an aside before we get into your teenage years, I use an app.
00:05:27
Speaker
that helps me sometimes to decide how I want to exercise in the day. And my kids are absolutely gonna kill me when they get on Instagram later and see my stories because it suggested trampolining and we have a trampoline in the garden. And I went on the trampoline with my camera for, I don't know, five minutes, but it was so much fun. And it gave me a boost rather than a weight loss, you know? Exactly. And trampolining is hard, we have one.
00:05:56
Speaker
I don't think ours is set up this year, but in past years, I'd be like, oh, I'll go bounce for 15 minutes. And by the end of the 15 minutes, you're like, I'm exhausted. Yeah, what's exhausting? I was quite dizzy coming off it, but they're not 53 and I've not been on a trampoline in years, but it was fun. I had fun. Yeah, exactly. I guess what exercise should feel like. It should make you feel good. Yeah. Okay. Right. So Margaret, I really, really want to explore your teenage years and how things were for you before you started on this journey.
00:06:26
Speaker
and transformation. I normally start by asking my guests to tell us a little bit about life growing up and what their journey was to the point where they began to feel unhappy or uncomfortable in their skin. Can you do that for us? Absolutely. So I think my journey with my lack of comfort in my own skin actually happened prior to even my teenage years.
00:06:53
Speaker
I was probably in elementary school, so six or seven years old and already starting to have that feeling. I have parents who love me. They wanted the best for me and were able to provide many great opportunities, but also, I think, struggled with what to do with someone who was a little overweight because doctors were voicing concerns long-term.
00:07:20
Speaker
Okay. We're worried about my health and issues that I could be developing as a result of being overweight. Okay. So would you say you were overweight at that age then, six or seven years old? Yes, or at least on the path to it. Okay. Yes. And even so as a kid, a lot of that was
00:07:43
Speaker
in a way manifested to me in the fact that my parents being like, oh, maybe not as a young child being like, oh, you need to go work out, but trying to get me outside to play and move or just even I know, I remember there, I don't remember big details, but there were, I think times I was sent to a nutritionist as a young child to try to learn about how to eat in a way that would let me lose weight or control it or something like that. And things like that,
00:08:13
Speaker
made me feel different, or that something was up and I wasn't sure what it was, along with, again, probably between age seven to nine, the fact that I went to a private school, had to wear a uniform at that point, and I think was running out of sizes in the uniforms. Okay. Yeah, okay.
00:08:38
Speaker
Gosh, I think this is going to resonate with families, not just of teenagers who are thinking about a weight issue, but this is such a topical thing in the UK at the moment in terms of our NHS service getting involved, the school nurses getting involved with weight and height and then flagging up what they believe is an unhealthy weight to families. And it's so, so fraught.
00:09:07
Speaker
It is. Well, it's just so problematic. I mean, if a child is overweight, I get that there is a feeling in the NHS and the doctors and the medics that something needs to be done. But equally, it's so, so damaging, I think, to bring that into a young child's life at such an early age.
Social Media Pressure and Body Image
00:09:29
Speaker
Completely. Completely. I mean, and even today, so I am now 22.
00:09:35
Speaker
And I still deal with the ramifications of all that was taught me to lose weight or the images that media portrays and all of that. Like this week has been just a little rougher. I don't know what it is, but the ego is coming in a little more. But also I have had doctors today and from seeing, like if they would look at my headshot, I do not appear overweight at all. But I am considered overweight on the edge of obese based on my weight and height.
00:10:07
Speaker
It is pretty much completely muscle, but based off just them looking at numbers, which in my opinion are not a good indicator, especially for someone who is athletic, they told me I needed to lose weight last year when I went to the doctor for my annual physical.
00:10:24
Speaker
Oh God, okay. I mean, I'm looking at you now and thinking you look like me, so I'm cool with how much I weigh. You look normal. You just look like a normal, you don't look overweight. Exactly. Gosh, okay. But you were overweight when you were at school. Yes. You've said a little bit about how it felt to be kind of, to have your weight medicalised when you were young.
00:10:53
Speaker
Did that continue throughout your teenage years? It did. I think doctors were less pushing of it and teenage years for the fact that they know that at that time people can become very critical of weight if you say something. So while they I think would try to mention it in a nice way,
00:11:14
Speaker
They also didn't push it as hard. They just were more asking, oh, are you physically active? Or are you doing sports or things like that to try to see if I was being active, even though I was a little heavier? And in my opinion, physical activity is only 5% of, and I'm not a huge pusher on weight loss for just weight loss's sake. It needs to be a healthy way to live. But physical activity is only about 5% of weight maintenance and weight loss.
00:11:44
Speaker
So when there's such a big push in today's day and age to eat or not even eat, but eat like a diet style or and then work out a ton, it's not maintainable. You can't work your way out of a bad diet or eating junk food. It has to come from the whole picture.
00:12:07
Speaker
There's something else, isn't there? There's an emotional need there. Did you feel that when you were feeling overweight and unhappy as a teenager? Did you feel that there was a reasoning behind your eating lack of exercise general approach to life?
00:12:26
Speaker
I did. I mean, I don't think it was something that was a major priority to me. And as a result, I wasn't going to go out and exercise all the time. Or I was exercising in what I felt was maybe a way that was honestly more than what everyone else was doing and still not looking like everyone else. Through high school, I was told to do cardio. And so I was running about four miles a day, so eight plus kilometers, depending on where your audience is at.
00:12:55
Speaker
And we're Miles. We love Miles and everyone else. We love Miles. I was talking to someone else in the UK last week, but then we were talking about food and they're like, cups here are different than your cups. Oh, God. Yeah, cups. Don't make me do cups. But Miles, we like. OK. Yeah. So I was doing roughly four plus miles every day for at least the second half of my high school career. So two years and still not really losing weight.
00:13:22
Speaker
And so I would be very distraught because my friends could not really work out or just go to a sports practice where I felt they weren't even necessarily always moving a ton and be stick thin. Yeah, not so annoying, isn't it? Yeah.
00:13:38
Speaker
There's a big movement in the UK, I'm sure it's the same way you are, to just avoid thinking about, avoid seeing someone as the size or weight they are because it fluctuates so much through life. I've fared between three or four sizes over the course of my life for so many different reasons.
00:13:57
Speaker
Some of them emotional, some of them social, some of them hormonal. It's not a defining characteristic of anybody, is it? It shouldn't be. It sadly sometimes is. And I mean, today when I don't look at people based on their size and if they are maybe bigger, my only concern is for their health. It's not that they need to be sticked in to look sticked in. It's I just want the best for them overall so that they can live their best life.
00:14:27
Speaker
I'm not looking for them to lose a hundred pounds so that they can be that next supermodel. I'm looking at it as if they do have a chronic disease and want to get rid of that. There are possibilities that would, I don't usually, again, look for it in the way to lose weight, but sometimes they lose weight as a result. Just going back to those teenagers because they are tough and I'm trying to think about, you would have had Instagram and social media. I would have, yes, I did.
00:14:55
Speaker
My current Instagram still has all of that on there if I would really dig down to the bottom. Yeah. Did that affect you in any way when you were growing up? Were you looking for unattainable things? It did. I mean, I've grown up in that comparison state. I mean, I think every generation has some comparison problems based off what media is available. But I can literally grab my phone and see
00:15:24
Speaker
in 20 minutes, 100 different fit people or 100 different people that look maybe the way I wanted, I idolized or wanted to look. Well, who look fit, who aren't necessarily fit, but who look fit in pictures. Yes, they look the way I wanted to look at that time.
00:15:44
Speaker
I'd get frustrated and as you were saying with that emotional component, I often, in high school at least, turned to eating as a way to quell that emotion and it obviously did not help the situation in a number of ways because it probably didn't lessen the weight gain and it also, I guarantee, actually I can say for sure it did hurt my, I have irritable bowel, it helped hurt those symptoms and made them worse.
00:16:12
Speaker
So what kind of things were you eating? Was it all the typical stuff that teenagers, not just teenagers, also tired moms cram in to make themselves feel better in the moment, but it never really worked for the long term. Yes, a lot of that was the typical foods were what I was consuming, as well as a bunch of
00:16:36
Speaker
Desserty foods was what I would go to in those emotional moments, especially because, as I was saying when I was young with the nutrition and stuff, I kind of got the message from my family that I wasn't supposed to be eating those things. So I would sneak them. Yeah. And eat many of them like it was going out
Overcoming Bullying and Weight Issues
00:16:55
Speaker
of style. Yes. Oh my God. You've just said the thing that has dawned on me recently that there is no need to have
00:17:06
Speaker
three squares of chocolate and then say, actually I'm gonna eat the whole bar because tomorrow I'll be good. And that's the thing that's problematic, because then tomorrow never really comes. Or if it doesn't, it doesn't last. So it's better to get into the habit of, I'm gonna have those three squares of chocolate if that's the thing I want. And then I might have three more tomorrow and that's less damaging to your body than 24 today. Exactly. And I mean, even if you do have that whole bar today,
00:17:37
Speaker
Once you've had it, you move on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's another diet culture thing, isn't it? Oh my God, I've ruined the week, now I'll start again on Monday. Yeah, exactly. So, I'm just interested to know, when you were going through this as a teenager particularly, because this is what the podcast is about for me, were you attracting negative comments? Was there bullying? There was some. It was not extensive.
00:18:06
Speaker
And I think that was just due to the environment I was living in, school-wise. School-wise, I grew up, at least in the US, in the age of no bullying. So people were not supposed to, and they could have gotten in serious trouble for making fun of you. So I did get some negative comments at different times. And yeah, they hurt. And there were problems with it. But I ended up forgiving those people as we were all kind of stuck together and also
00:18:35
Speaker
Like it's kind of funny because one of my biggest bulliers in those younger teenage years, I actually became friends with my last year of school and we would actually hang out. Tell me a bit about how that happened because she must have felt quite bad towards that person originally. Yeah, originally it was very much that, and again, young teenage years, she's my enemy kind of mentality.
00:19:00
Speaker
I had nothing to do with her for years on end. And by the end, it was just one of those weird things. We had our senior year trip. We were going somewhere. There was an overnight stay. We had to have people to be in our hotel room with. And I was like, oh, I'll be with X, Y, and Z. And then they were like, oh, no, you can't. My normal friends had already created a group, and I didn't know about it. And while I was obviously hurt by that action as well,
00:19:28
Speaker
then was looking to find someone and she ended up being the only other person who didn't have a roommate. And so I could have been like, oh no, this is going to be really bad. But as we kind of got to know each other and we're going to be roommates, we came to learn that she had bullied me earlier or been not as nice towards me. She got some of that same treatment later on, sadly. From someone else. From someone else.
00:19:56
Speaker
So she knew how it felt. Okay, that is really interesting because I always figure that the people who are kind of top of the pile and do the bullying.
00:20:07
Speaker
never fall to the bottom of the pile, never experienced that. That is interesting. Yeah, and she, I think, ended up losing a bunch of friends that year as a result. So she had a very hard time. So then I could empathize with that and know where she was coming from. There's a lot to be said, isn't there, for going through something difficult and what you learn in the process of that.
00:20:33
Speaker
and the kind of person it makes you. I do think it, in many cases, makes you a better friend, someone who is able to empathize more. Definitely. I very much had a poor image of myself through all of high school and wanted to change it, but also because I didn't know how to properly change it at that time, planned
00:20:59
Speaker
on uh I wanted to go to those most drastic measures and just lose it quickly but also knew that if I did that at home I would be unable to do so without raising concern if that makes sense so I didn't know how to go about it. That must have felt frustrating. Definitely. It's been such a journey but
00:21:20
Speaker
It was freshman year of college actually, so my first year that I tried to make the change but again not knowing properly how went drastic and just slashed all the calories because I believed calories in calories out at that point and went down a huge amount and ended up losing 40 pounds in a matter of months. Gosh. So while I then lost the weight I then got criticized for being underweight.
00:21:45
Speaker
Oh my god, you cannot win, can you? Oh no. So then I was like, what is going on? Because in those later teen years, I'm like, I did exactly what you all told me to do, to lose all that weight. And how did you feel physically after that, at that point? I remember feeling actually really good, but I think it was such a poor mental state that all of it had like a rose-tinted glasses kind of thing going on, if that makes sense.
00:22:12
Speaker
Because while I still to this day and I try not to idolize it, I felt good at that time, or I remember feeling good and feeling energized and all of it. But I think it truly was such a mental state, like of everything compiling that I just kind of blocked all of it out and was just telling myself that I should be feeling that way. And I just truly don't remember those true feelings anymore. No.
00:22:36
Speaker
I guess you get a buzz and a kick out of having reached the place that you've wanted to reach for so long and then that maybe masks everything else. Yes, it became very much a game of how much more can I take off at that point. Yes, and that's the dangerous bit.
00:22:57
Speaker
Yeah, and it can become a bit obsessive. I know because I've been there not in the same way, but I've kind of toyed with that when I've done weight loss programs in the past and got to the goal weight and then thought, oh, what if I could just get a couple more pounds off? And it's not healthy, is it? It's not. I just want to know, when you lost all that weight, what did your parents say?
Parental Pressure vs. Self-Guided Decisions
00:23:24
Speaker
They were the ones who told me then that I was underweight. So after years of them telling me I should get in shape, instead of saying I needed to lose weight, they used to get in shape as my term. Then they were like, you need, you look too skinny. And I was like, but I'm so proud of losing all that. Like I did it. I lost the weight.
00:23:42
Speaker
Yeah, I get it. They're so worried about you though, aren't they? I do get it from a parent's point of view. It's a really, really difficult place to be in. And actually, I usually ask this question right at the end of my podcast, but I never ask it now. Do you think there's anything else your parents could have done differently that would have helped you maybe not live with this for so long and reach a point of balance a bit sooner?
00:24:11
Speaker
Yes, and I actually remind my parents to do this frequently as I have younger siblings, and they're going through similar problems to me, and I remind them of not completely the damages that they did, but just how, even though it was in their best, they were trying to do it for my best interest. It didn't always pan out the way I had desired it to be, but very much reminding them that they
00:24:37
Speaker
like my sister, will get to where she wants to be in time. Like, if she wants to lose weight for health reasons, she needs to do it on her own decision. She needs to want it. And regardless of me being a health coach could help her get there. But if she doesn't want that help, she needs to come to it in her own process. Because she currently is off going through the college search process and trying to find the right school for her.
00:25:05
Speaker
I had a big, that breakdown that I mentioned in 2018 was very much related to I realizing that I did not want to be in the career that I was pursuing. Okay. And they had kind of, because I had no clue what I wanted to do, push that career upon me in a way, like reminding me about it. And I just kind of was like, sure, whatever. You went along with it. Yeah, I went along with it. And they've tried to do that with her. And I'm like, you guys just need to let her figure it out. Like it'll work out in the end. You have to have faith.
00:25:31
Speaker
but trying to push her could just result in the same response for her along the road. So they have let up. And honestly, as a result, she has on her own decision, especially with being home all the time during the lockdown, has started to exercise more and move more. And as a result, has lost some weight. So them letting up has allowed her to work her own process and get those results.
00:25:59
Speaker
That's really interesting because as a parent I know that you absolutely want the best for your child and you can sometimes see what is best for your child over the long term and in the instant moment but not maybe in the medium term when they're dealing with whatever they're dealing with and it's actually very difficult as a parent to
00:26:24
Speaker
let go and allow your children to make their own decisions, their own mistakes, carve their own path. And I'm on that journey now.
From Pharmacy to Passion in Fitness
00:26:35
Speaker
My daughter's 15, my son is 13, and the gradual process of letting them go and do things that make me nervous or scared. It is so, so difficult for parents. You go from having full control of your child's life
00:26:51
Speaker
to eventually, hopefully, having none at all, and just being there as a comfort blanket when you're needed. Exactly. But how you get from A to B is just unfathomable as a parent. So I do understand why parents make those errors of judgment, if you like. Yeah, yeah. But I like that is just, I've heard so many people actually on my podcast say, just
00:27:18
Speaker
to the teenager themselves and to that person's parents, just trust, just be there and trust that your kids will get there in their own time to the place that is right for them. And for all of my guests, it has been the case. I mean, is there anything they could have done to help support that journey beyond just letting you and your sister make those decisions for yourself?
00:27:46
Speaker
i think uh... coming from a place of non-judgment can be very beneficial i mean and i don't think my parents intend to have judgment it can be natural yet to want to catch a decision or an action or how someone act and i even deal with that today i'm currently living with them and move back in for the time being and sometimes fear that my actions will be catch
00:28:13
Speaker
You're making me think about my own mum, yeah. My own mum is 88 and I still can't spend more than 24 hours there without her telling me to do something a bit differently to the way I'm doing it. Exactly. And then in my case, that has resulted in me just not telling her thing, which is not beneficial either in the long run. No, that's not healthy either. And I think that is a really
00:28:39
Speaker
good point to sort of underline for parents, but because we do, we have spent all of our children's lives telling them not to put your hand on that hot cup, not to put that on the edge, not to climb on the cupboards, not to go too close to the pond.
00:28:58
Speaker
We've told them all our lives what they should and shouldn't be doing. Again, not judging is probably a skill that is only learned gradually, and it's probably the reason why teenagers do eventually push away and become their own person. It's a natural process. Yes, completely. Even living at home, I push away, but I'm also
00:29:20
Speaker
At this point, like I have desire to move out and I'm working towards that process, but with the lockdown was like, I'm not gonna rush it.
00:29:28
Speaker
Everything has changed so drastically for me and not completely in a negative way either. It's just different that I'm figuring out the new options I have. Yeah. Yeah. So go back to the kind of breakdown you talked about when you decided what career were you pursuing and what happened to make you change? So I was pursuing a pharmacy degree.
00:29:51
Speaker
Okay. So a degree in pharmacy, which I don't know how it is in the US, UK, but in the US, it is a six year degree that basically has two undergrad years and then four doctorate years because you get a doctorate at the end of it. And they started suggesting that option in eighth grade. So about 10, like 12 years old or so, they were like, Oh, you could become a pharmacist.
00:30:20
Speaker
You like science, you like math, it would be a good fit. It's got great job stability. It pays well. You do get six figures out of graduation. Oh my God, you're making me quite stressed because my son has always loved animals and taken a real interest in them and knows a lot about them. And we have, as parents, spent maybe a few hours over the course of the last three or four years. He's 13 now.
00:30:49
Speaker
saying you could be a vet for the same reasons you like it. But he shows interest in animals. It's loads of money. Yes, he does. Yeah. Okay. But then I think when you're 12, you've got no idea what pharmacy is, have you? Yes, exactly. And pharmacy is such an in a way compared to liking math and science, such a niche compared to that statement.
00:31:12
Speaker
that for me I was like, sure, whatever, and then when high school starts to roll around and it gets closer to my final year and I'm supposed to be figuring it out, I still knew I liked math and sciences, yeah, for sure, as well as I have some other passions that I've come to realize were way more important than I thought they were.
00:31:31
Speaker
So I had the opportunity, as I said, to spend half my day every day during my final year doing this vocational tech program. I spent every day working at our local hospital in different units. So I got to see the ins and outs of any job at that hospital between working in the cafeteria, cleaning all those tools that are used in surgery, doing the laundry even, to helping deliver four babies.
00:31:55
Speaker
And it was amazing and I, it opened my eyes, but I also went in with my eyes closed. I went in thinking pharmacy was the thing for me. Yeah. And so it was like, all of this is cool, but I'm going to be a pharmacist. And then got into pharmacy school, started it the first two years, as I said, our undergrad. So it was a lot of just basic sciences. So I'm like, yeah, this is good. Whatever. I'm enjoying it. And then that third year was that first year of the doctorate and it hit and
00:32:24
Speaker
Don't get me wrong, I still didn't enjoy learning the subject matter, but as I was then working in a pharmacy and seeing what I would be doing upon graduation day in and day out, I was like, my values do not line up with this because uh, so my freshman year of school was when I really took control of my IBS symptoms. I learned to holistically care for them and deal with them when a doctor basically slammed the door in my face and said, there's nothing wrong with you.
00:32:54
Speaker
Yeah and don't know sometimes I did have and you know I accept that IBS is heavily influenced by stress but when a doctor says well it's just stress you just need to chill out it's not helpful is it because actually
00:33:09
Speaker
It's functional, it's physical, it isn't in your mind. It's just a thing that your mind may be causing it and that there's the emotional holistic part of it, but it is a physical problem and it does need attention. Yes, the doctor basically was like, you're doing all you can, all of this is normal. And I'm like, it should not be normal to be in pain and dealing with these symptoms. Had you had that IBS all through school as well? I actually have had that since I was an infant.
00:33:38
Speaker
Yeah. And just had managed for years and years. And it just had some of the stress from school caused it to really amplify and become really bad for a couple days. And I was like, I should probably see someone about this. Yeah. And it wore on me so hard and wore me so thin that I basically broke down. I stopped trying in school, which I do not recommend to anyone going to college.
00:34:09
Speaker
But basically stopped trying for a semester and would have had to repeat the year for my doctorate because I was not working towards it. I was actually spending time in class working on a separate certification in health and wellness. That's how you know you need to make a change, isn't it? And actually that's a real brave thing to do to be on such a significant path, especially when you're halfway down that path to turn around and come back. But I do say that quite a lot. That's an analogy I use. It's okay.
00:34:39
Speaker
to go down the path and then find it's not right. You just turn around and come back and try another one. And so this one's worked out well for you. You are clearly, going back to what we said at the beginning, you are very clearly a healthy, normal, individual. I can see that. And would you say your head is in the space you want it to be in now? It's getting there. It's getting there. I'm still learning.
00:35:08
Speaker
figuring it all out, because honestly, it's only been a year and a half since that path has changed. So some of the major turning points, obviously, I was not aligned core value wise with pharmacy. There's been times where I've been like, Oh, maybe I should go back for the fact that surprisingly, I retained a lot of the information. And so I'll laugh when someone likes mentioned something like I can actually answer that. But that Thanksgiving, so that no that end of November prior we have
00:35:36
Speaker
the week off for Thanksgiving prior to then going back to take our finals. That week, because I loved it so much and had been introduced that summer to a group fitness class format and I loved it, I decided to become a trainer for an instructor so that I could teach it. So I went to this training and it was at one of my local colleges near home.
00:35:59
Speaker
And I go there and I'm like, this gym is gorgeous. Like I could live here. Like this is amazing. And I go to this training. I fell in love with the training. So I started doing instructing those classes, which was a huge game changer. I never knew I would love doing that. I did it as a growing opportunity. Yeah. Cause I didn't like to talk in front of people. Right. And used it as a way to then be like, okay, I've got to stand in front of a group of people, but I also love the class. So that helped.
00:36:30
Speaker
get me there, and then also then fell in love with the campus that I was on to take that training and was like, maybe I should go here. And 10 days before my semester started, transferred and went there to finish my degree. And it was the best choice I made. College should be a place you love and where you find your people, at least in the US, because a lot of people do travel to go to a school. You're not necessarily living at home and going.
00:36:59
Speaker
And I hadn't found my people at that past school and I found them at this school. What I love about that story is that it all came about through you challenging yourself and pushing your own boundaries a little bit to see what else was out there and you landed somewhere really great.
00:37:23
Speaker
I think that's something for teenagers to appreciate, actually, but just forcing yourself to do something that feels a bit scary. And I don't mean taking a jump off a cliff into the sea. I mean, something that you know is safe to do, but just feels scary. It might just teach you that you are capable of more than you think. It might land you in a whole new place where you're much happier.
00:37:53
Speaker
And since then, I'm always looking for new places to push myself and grow from. And they're scary, but again, they're still safe, like you're saying, like trying to run a marathon.
00:38:04
Speaker
has been one that I've done. Eventually, and this has just gotten pushed due to lockdown and everything, I was planning to work as an ocean lifeguard. Oh my God, I would love to do that. An ocean lifeguard. I've got visions of Baywatch now, but I knew Baywatch in the 80s when I was watching it. I'm completely familiar with it. Again, when I was working at the pool, that was actually something that we had pictures all over the place. I could just see you on the beach. It's going to happen.
00:38:34
Speaker
So it feels to me like you have gone not become a completely different person, but almost gone 180 degrees to somewhere completely different that you would never have imagined at the time. Definitely, definitely, definitely. I mean, again, very much in high school, my parents were very worried out of their love for me that they wanted me to have a job that was completely stable and supportive of me.
00:39:03
Speaker
and able so that I could live a nice life. And I completely understand that. But also they have also come to realize that it's maybe not as important that I had a super stable end goal by my degree for the fact that my tuition was close to nothing at the second school where my tuition was so much more.
00:39:23
Speaker
being a private university at the other one. Of course, yeah. And actually that's to your earlier point, it's another place where parents probably need to step back and in stepping back confront their own really very real fear for their child because we do all want them to have stable jobs, long-term prospects,
Advice for Parents and Teens: Pursue Happiness
00:39:49
Speaker
and money, we don't want our kids to, not equally, we want them to be happy and sometimes that big career and the money that it brings and the stability is not the thing that will make them happy and I think that balancing act is very difficult
00:40:10
Speaker
But it can only be done by the child themselves. It cannot be engineered by the parents. And I'm just learning that now. And I tell my kids that all the time. What I want you to do is be happy and then find a way to make money out of the thing that you're happy doing. Exactly. It's hard though. It is. Or I even was talking to someone on my podcast. She was one of my first episodes this spring.
00:40:35
Speaker
And so she is a construction manager. So she manages construction companies and people that are at those. So it is a high-paying job. And she has done it since she was a teenager, because her father owned a construction company. But she never pictured herself doing that as her career. Never. And she goes, while I love it, it's not my complete passion. Her passion is actually barrel racing horses.
00:41:05
Speaker
But you don't make money out of that. So she goes, this I like enough that it fuels my passion with the other way to do it. Yeah. And for her, she's completely fine with that. My sister wants a degree that will make her a steady income so that she can go do whatever else she wants to do. I personally need a career that makes me happy before the finances come in. Yeah. Yeah. And there's a different path for everyone, isn't there? But being happy with your choice is the most important thing.
00:41:35
Speaker
For sure. Definitely.
00:41:38
Speaker
So you're a health coach, I wanted to say life coach, but I feel like you've put this crossover. Yeah, because of the holistic thing. It's not just about prescribing exercise and food and nutrition. Nope, there's very little of that. Exactly. I love the whole holistic approach that you have in your business. As that life coach, health coach inspiration for people to change,
00:42:07
Speaker
I'd love to know what you would say to your teenage self if you could go back in time to the point where you were struggling the most maybe. It's a hard one and honestly I'm dealing with this lately too for whatever reason. So I'm being very much like that teenage self and wanting to change things because I'm not meeting those milestones that I always want to be hitting or like doing the workout as hard as I want. It's very much having this faith in the process.
00:42:32
Speaker
reminding myself that one day is not going to make it or break it, or one meal is not going to make it or break it. Or even my past self a few years ago would not even touch a drop of alcohol because I was afraid that it would affect my goals. And now here I am working at a winery. So obviously, occasionally I'm indulging in a glass of wine. So I like that, that just taking one day at a time and not judging it as anything other than
00:42:58
Speaker
that day, that meal, that hour, even that week, that holiday, that weekend, that celebration. Don't judge it as a part of any kind of goal that you need to meet. I love that. Thank you. Margaret, where can people find you if they want to connect? So at this point in time, the best place to connect with me is either through Instagram, at Margaret Steffi, it's one word, or
00:43:28
Speaker
I'll give you actually my personal email because I'm currently redoing my website and it might not have the same URL at the end goal. I'm not sure yet. It's taking a total transformation right now. Do you know what? I'm interrupting you again, but I feel like that's everything you've said to me.
00:43:46
Speaker
you're in a transformation mindset right now, generally with your life, your wellness, your career. And I also every time you say that, I feel like that is a process that goes on for the entirety of someone's life. Oh, completely. So if they want to reach out for questions, anything, they can get me at my
00:44:11
Speaker
normal email, which is m.a.sefi, which is s-t-e-f-f-i-e at gmail.com. Yeah, I might be changing my website up because I am in the process of possibly building a mobile group fitness studio. Because we're so supposedly gyms are opening up this weekend, but they're kind of still in lockdown and very restricted, but you're allowed to work out in groups outside. So I might be doing something on my own.
00:44:40
Speaker
Yeah, and where actually are you? Because I'm thinking that's a good business proposition with the weather it looks like you've got right now. This is, yeah, way closer to snow and above. Ah, okay. I'm in central New York, so like the middle of the state
00:44:55
Speaker
It gets a little chilly. I'm in the Finger Lakes, so. Okay. Yeah. Okay, well, get it going soon then. Yeah, maybe the most of it. Exactly. Oh, I will keep an eye on that. Thank you. Thank you so much for being here yesterday.
Episode Reflection and Key Takeaways
00:45:10
Speaker
This has been such a lovely chat. I had a great chat.
00:45:16
Speaker
I really loved chatting to Margaret. I could have chatted to her for so much longer. Honestly, I can't get my head around the fact that she's only just finished her university studies. She just seems to have such a wise head on her shoulders, doesn't she?
00:45:33
Speaker
Okay, so two big take-homes from this chat for me. Firstly, I'm aware of it in the UK, but I hadn't really realised quite how big a deal it is. When a child's weight is medicalised at such a young age, I've heard people talking about this, but we've been lucky enough never to have those letters home. And I kind of thought in my head that
00:46:00
Speaker
Those would be an issue for parents. I didn't realise that children, even as Margaret, she said she was six or seven, they take that on board too, even at that age and how damaging that was for her going forward. The other big take home for me as a mum was Margaret's advice to parents to take a step back from their children's problems
00:46:29
Speaker
and to try and have faith in the process that they're going through that they will get to a good point when the time is right for them. That's something that's been on my mind quite a lot recently. I think as parents we start our journeys with our children trying to maintain control necessarily and sometimes for their own safety. We are so in control of our children's lives at the beginning.
00:46:52
Speaker
And that makes it really difficult for us to stand by and watch when our kids are struggling with something or to allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from those.
00:47:04
Speaker
And yet we do eventually have to hand over full control to our children. It's something that's on my mind right now because my eldest is 16 and that day when I just have to give her full autonomy over her life is not very far away. And that's ultimately what we want as well. However difficult it is to accept. We want our kids to go out and be able to run their own lives without input from
Conclusion and Call to Action
00:47:29
Speaker
their mum.
00:47:29
Speaker
And I think what Margaret's point illustrates is that by trying to intervene and direct what our children do as teenagers, we might actually slow down the process of them reaching their own conclusions about what to do with their problems with their lives. It's one that I'm going to spend quite a bit of time thinking about.
00:47:52
Speaker
If you've enjoyed this episode of the Teenage Kicks podcast, I'd love it if you subscribe or go and give me a rating and a review on iTunes. It really helps other people to find these amazing conversations about teenage life and the lovely guests that I chat to every week.
00:48:10
Speaker
There are lots more episodes so have a browse and see if anything else strikes a chord for your family. There are more Parenting Teens tips on my blog actually money too so do head over there if you fancy a read. I'll put the link in the episode notes. Thank you so much for listening. Come back next week when I'll be chatting with another brilliant guest about the fun and games of Raising Teens.