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Step-Parenting
213 Plays1 year ago
Step-Mom, Bonus mom, Second mom…whatever you want to call it, it is a journey that no one is 100% prepared to navigate and no two families are the same. Today, Julie peels back some of the layers of step-parenting that so often feel overlooked and unaddressed.
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Outside of Session'
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to outside of session. I'm your host, licensed clinical social worker and therapist BFF, Julie Hilton. We're going to cover all the things here, whether it's mental health, entrepreneurship, relationships, trauma, or just life. Nothing is off limits. Hopefully you'll laugh a little and learn a lot, but most importantly, feel encouraged on your journey to live empowered.
Challenges in Recording: Technical and Mental Struggles
00:00:37
Speaker
Hey everyone, and welcome back to another episode of Outside of Session. Y'all, I just have to share with you, this is literally like the 20th time I have recorded this episode. I don't know what is going on, but it's like everything that can go wrong is going wrong, and it's gonna be dropping a little bit late, I know that, and I apologize for it. But last night when I was wrapping up recording it,
00:01:05
Speaker
And I went to save it. I had the typical like worst case scenario technology failure. And my laptop just froze and it deleted the whole episode. And
00:01:21
Speaker
I was about to cry because it was one of those nothing is going my way kind of days with this podcast. And instead I said, you know what, it's just going to have to be late because I did not have like the mental energy to rerecord it last night. And so it's Wednesday and I'm recording this thing all over again.
Exploring Step-Parenting: A Personal Journey
00:01:38
Speaker
But to be honest, like I had already started and stopped recording this for the past, like three days before that, because, you know, sometimes I sit down to do this podcast and I feel like,
00:01:51
Speaker
everything just comes together really easily. Like I know what I want to say about the topic. I feel like my thoughts are really organized and things just come together really easily. And for some reason with this topic, that is just not happening. And so today we're going to be talking about step parenting.
00:02:09
Speaker
And whether you call yourself a stepmom, a bonus mom, a second mom, like whatever language you use in your family, like we're going to be talking about those things today. And I think that I'm having a really hard time organizing my thought and my brain is just not working around this topic for some reason.
00:02:28
Speaker
because I think it's because it's so near and dear to my heart because as I've shared with you guys before, I'm a stepmom and I've been in the kids' lives for seven years now and it's just such a big part of my life and who I am now that I think the idea of recording just like one podcast about it, it's like there's too much. I don't even know where to start. I don't know even what I want to say about it or how to like wrap my mind around this huge topic.
00:02:57
Speaker
And I really realized that part of the reason why it was like I kept recording and deleting or recording and deleting because I'm just having a really hard time knowing what I want to even say about it.
Diverse Experiences in Step-Parenting
00:03:07
Speaker
And that's partially because what I have realized is that my story and my experience is so different from some of the other stories that I hear and other situations and circumstances that I hear other people share.
00:03:22
Speaker
that I'm having a hard time finding some common ground on, you know, depending on what your circumstances and what your story looks like. I'm trying to find something that I feel like we can all relate to when it comes to being a stepmom. And I've heard some of these stories from, um, especially from clients, but also a couple of friends of mine,
00:03:44
Speaker
where they are in just such incredibly hard situations. I've heard from some people where they are still fighting in court over like custody agreements and people spending literally like tens of thousands of dollars trying to make really small changes in the custody agreements, even things like about like extracurricular activities and stuff like that, like who legally has to do pick up and drop off, things like that.
00:04:11
Speaker
that seems so trivial. And there's so much of it that has to do with like exes still battling each other and just being really vindictive towards each other. I've seen other people that are having like a lot of behavioral issues with kids.
00:04:28
Speaker
And even if you have a pretty decent co-parenting relationship between the two families, sometimes it's so incredibly hard because the kids are just having a hard time adjusting, shuffling back and forth between two households because absolutely that can be so hard. And it can come with a lot of behavioral issues with kids and emotional issues that they're trying to sort through. And then yeah, a lot of it is just like,
00:04:54
Speaker
having a hard time co-parenting with the other half of the family and feeling like there's a lot of tension, there's a lot of spiteful things being done. And I hear all of these stories and it makes me realize like, wow, people have such different experiences because I am so incredibly blessed that that's not the situation that I'm in at all.
Common Feelings and Strategies in Step-Parenting
00:05:16
Speaker
It's almost like I have a little bit of
00:05:20
Speaker
You know how people have survivor's guilt when it's like other people are suffering so much more than me? Like why am I the one that's having it so much better? You know? Like I made it out or whatever. And I feel a little bit of that even with my step-parenting experience because to share a little bit more about my story.
00:05:40
Speaker
We just co-parent really, really well with the kid's bio mom. And she's remarried so the kids have a stepdad too. And we have kind of like the typical traditional, they spend every other weekend with us. And then during the summer and holidays and when school is out, we try to soak up any extra time that we can get.
00:05:59
Speaker
and their mom is really good about letting them come see us more often and not just sticking strictly to that every other week but we get extra time at Christmas, we get extra time in fall and winter break and things like that. And I feel like one thing that has been really really important to us is to
00:06:18
Speaker
let the kids see that we co-parent really, really well together. And I think that that's just been a really important thing. But it also has come fairly easy for some reason. And so again, when I hear other people having all of these really difficult, borderline traumatic experiences, whether it's in court or just the tension that it caused, the stress that it caused, I personally haven't dealt with much of that at all.
00:06:46
Speaker
And so I've been trying to figure out like in the very first podcast episode that we're going to talk about step parenting, I've been trying to find some kind of common ground whether you are on the end of the spectrum like me where you have it really, really good. And step parenting has been like an awesome experience where it's been nothing but like
00:07:05
Speaker
addition to my life versus if you're all the way on the other end of the spectrum where it is a source of incredible stress to the point that it's just like I don't know if I can handle this or feeling like I don't know what to do about it. I've tried to look for some things that just no matter where you are on that spectrum that you'll be able to relate to at least for this very first episode that we're talking about.
00:07:29
Speaker
And if nothing else, I feel like that very first thing that we can all agree on is that step parenting in general, there is a huge feeling of a lack of control. And like, I feel like that's something that we can all agree on, right? Like being a step parent is a perpetual state of feeling like there are things that you want to be able to control that you just, they're not within your realm. Like you can't control those things.
00:07:56
Speaker
And in a lot of ways, I feel like that's parenthood in general, not just being a step parent, but being a bio mom too, or a primary caregiver.
00:08:06
Speaker
You're trying to control so many different things, right? And I don't mean control in like a negative manipulative kind of way. I mean, like you are trying to control your children's health. You're trying to control their education. You're trying to control what they're exposed to. You're trying to always make sure that, you know, like so much of it is you're trying to control their environment so that they're safe.
00:08:27
Speaker
so that they can thrive, so that they aren't being hurt emotionally or physically, like you're trying to control so much so that they have a good, safe, happy, loving childhood, right? So that feeling of control is definitely related to parenthood too. But I feel like as if you are a primary parent or a bioparent,
00:08:49
Speaker
You actually have the ability to be the decision maker that so that you have more control over their environment and over like decisions in their life and when you're a step parent you have less of that decision-making ability and so that is one thing that's been really really hard for me is to
00:09:11
Speaker
figure out how to manage that feeling of lack of control. And like with so many other things that we talk about even in therapy is like, that's a good rule in life is when you're struggling and you're stressed out, to be able to sit down and say, okay, am I stressed because I'm trying to control something that is actually not within my abilities? And how can I release that feeling of needing to control that so that I can instead focus on what I can control more productively?
00:09:39
Speaker
And so I feel like as a step parent, that's a really good like thing to keep in the back of your mind is it can cause a lot of stress when you feel like you don't have control over something. And one thing that maybe you can give yourself permission to do is to stop trying to control those things. If you're not in that position of being the decision maker, then release that and focus on what you can control as a result of somebody else's decisions. And so for my scenario, like
00:10:09
Speaker
Again, they have a great bio mom who I feel like one of the big differences for us is that I trust her parenting. She's an awesome mom. As she's setting boundaries and setting rules in their household and different things that she's making decisions on,
00:10:29
Speaker
There might be, I might just do things differently if they lived in my house full time. And that's not because I feel like she's doing anything wrong. It would just be different if that makes sense. And so when I say that,
00:10:42
Speaker
that I'm struggling with a lack of control because I'm not the decision maker. I'm not necessarily like knocking what her decisions are. I'm just saying that at our house it might be a little bit different whether it's like curfews or things with grades or things like that. I don't know like random things. I'm not saying that what she has like I disagree with her decision. I would just do it differently if they lived in my house.
00:11:06
Speaker
And so one thing that I've really learned is that instead of focusing on trying to like thinking about how I would do things differently, I remind myself it doesn't matter if I would do things differently because I am not that decision maker. And instead I focus on since this rule has been set or this boundary or this decision has been made, what can I control around it so that I can focus more on that?
00:11:30
Speaker
And I think when I look at it that way, I'm able to do two things. I'm able to support her as a parent more because I think that that's a really, really important thing for me and my husband is to make sure that she feels like she has our support.
Supporting the Primary Parent and Children
00:11:46
Speaker
And so if the kids are in trouble or if she's having to set some kind of boundary with them or something like that, that they're not just hearing it from her. I think it's really important for kids to see parents have a united front.
00:12:00
Speaker
because, you know, divorce is hard and having two sets of parents is hard. But I think it's even harder when you're getting different messages from different people. And so it's been really important for us to give them a sense of your parents all love you equally, and they all want the best thing for you. And we're going to have each other's back that way. We're also minimizing, like,
00:12:23
Speaker
any chance of them dividing us or triangulating in any way because they're going to get the same answer from us that they get from the other household, if that makes sense. So one, when I release that control, I'm better able to support and be a good co-parent.
00:12:40
Speaker
And also I feel like then I can look for different ways of, okay, so since this boundary or this decision has been made by somebody else, how can I support the kids with it too? So one example of that is, okay, so my son, he turns 17 in less than two weeks.
00:13:00
Speaker
And I can't even like wrap my mind around that. And I can't even wrap my mind around like how much he's changed over the past like 18 months, just seeing him grow and mature in so many different ways. But he has been missing curfew lately. And so what I mean by I'm not the decision maker is I'm not the one that set the curfew in the first place.
00:13:23
Speaker
And to be honest, at my house, the curfew would probably be even earlier. So he probably would like it even less, right? But he had a curfew and he missed it because the movie went over and he and his mom was like,
00:13:38
Speaker
of course like pissed because he didn't follow the rules and so we made sure that she knew yeah whatever you decide as a consequence we support that so if you're going to take his car take his phone whatever it is he's grounded whatever it is we support you and of course that made him mad because when you're almost 17 years old and you're a senior in high school you don't want to be told that you have to be home at a certain hour because you think it shouldn't matter at that point
00:14:03
Speaker
So obviously like he was frustrated or mad with her about the consequence. And so what I have learned is that because I have no real say so in
00:14:17
Speaker
what the decisions are with that. I can just look for different ways that I can support. So again, first thing was to support her in saying whatever you decide is the consequence we agree with. But then it also like I can ask myself, okay, how can I support him through this? And so when he's frustrated with her, he's probably not hearing a lot of her logic or her reasoning.
00:14:38
Speaker
You know how like even with your spouse, like sometimes you can tell them something and they don't hear it, but when they hear it from somebody else, like a doctor or professional or something like that, then they take it seriously. And it's like, yeah, I've been trying to tell you that for weeks now. Why are you listening to it? Because it comes from somebody else.
00:14:55
Speaker
I feel like that happens with the kids a little bit. Because I've taken a step back from trying to control the situation, it allowed me last weekend just to have a really good conversation with him about, hey man, but do you really realize why you're being punished for this? Do you realize why your mom has set a curfew for you in the first place?
00:15:16
Speaker
And since I'm not the one that's necessarily like enforcing the consequence, I think he was a little bit more open to hearing from me, like,
00:15:27
Speaker
actually hearing the perspective. We were able to have conversations about you're at an age where you can either show us that you're mature and that you have respect and that you have good decision-making skills, or we're going to take like you missing curfew and things like that as, yeah, he's not quite ready. He's not ready to make his decisions because he can't follow a set of boundaries that we've set for him.
00:15:51
Speaker
I'm not saying that he necessarily wanted to hear those things from me, but I'm hoping that
00:15:58
Speaker
Being another person in his life that's reiterating what the purpose of these boundaries are, I'm just hoping that he can hear it a little bit differently. And then I can explain it in a way of like, yeah, your mom was mad, but what she really was is concern for you. And she always does these things out of love. And so I just think that it frees me up to figure out different ways to support him.
00:16:22
Speaker
in ways that if I were the one that were having to make all of the decisions, maybe I wouldn't have the time or the space or the ability to do that. Like maybe he wouldn't hear it as much. And so that's one thing that I really, really encourage people to do is to figure out the things that you can control and just focus on those.
Finding the Step-Parent Role
00:16:39
Speaker
Because at the end of the day, like it doesn't do any good to stress over things that are out of your control.
00:16:44
Speaker
And that also kind of segues into the second thing that I think is really important that I wanted to share, which is figuring out a different like role that you can play in the kids lives other than primary parent, because I think that
00:17:02
Speaker
When you are the primary parent or the bio mom, you carry a set of responsibility and pressure that only you really carry. And I don't know what that's like. I genuinely don't know what that's like. And so if I'm not able to be the one to make those decisions, then I have to carve out a different role in the kid's life
00:17:25
Speaker
that looks different than their bio mom because again, like they already have one. And in my case, in my scenario, they have such a good mom already. Like they don't need me to feel that void because there's not a void because they have such a good mom. So I have been really, really intentional about thinking about, okay, so what is my role in their life? And if I am a bonus mom, how can it feel like it actually is a bonus to have me in their life?
00:17:53
Speaker
And I'm not saying that I don't carry any parental responsibilities. Like when they're at our house, of course I'm functioning in a mom role. Like I'm the one that tells them what time to go to bed and to clean their rooms and stuff like that. Like I'm not saying I never do those parental responsibilities, but I think it allows me to
00:18:12
Speaker
figure out another way to weave myself into their life. And for me that looks like a combination of a little bit of parenting, but I'm not fully parenting because I'm not there all the time, a little bit of a mentor like that conversation that I was able to have of helping them see things and learn things and hearing a different perspective.
00:18:35
Speaker
like just figuring out how can I just be another person in their life that loves them, supports them, guides them, and really like freeing myself up to say, I don't have to feel like a full-time parent. I don't have to act and function as a full-time parent because I'm not one. And I think that not having control and having those decision-making
00:19:05
Speaker
abilities can feel really frustrating and so if I'm not allowed to do that then I give myself permission to say okay then that means I don't have to almost like I don't have to carry the same amount of like weight either so I am free to function differently in their lives and I can give myself permission for that and I think that that has really really helped our relationship because they see that I'm not trying to be their mom
00:19:32
Speaker
They know that their relationship with me is very different than their relationship with their mom. And it's good on both ends. And it doesn't feel like a competition at all. It doesn't feel like I have to prove myself or show that I'm another mom to them because that's really not the role that I'm trying to fill. And it's freed me up to develop like a really unique fun relationship with the kids where I feel like that they could talk to me about certain things and that we can laugh about certain things because I don't feel this pressure to compete in any way.
00:20:01
Speaker
Like, part of co-parenting is genuinely wanting what's best for the kids. And sometimes what's best for the kids is not what makes you happiest or feels the best for you. And so I think in the beginning when I was trying to adjust to this role, I kind of wanted to be seen as like a second mom or another mom. And when I realized how much they love their mom,
00:20:24
Speaker
Um, I could have let that, like I could have turned that into a comparison game, but I would have gotten hurt by that because they have such a good mom.
00:20:35
Speaker
And that is so good for them. I have to like back away from that and say that shouldn't be my goal anyways. So I feel like I'm rambling a little bit with that. But my point is I've given myself permission to say, I don't have to feel like a mom to them for them to know what role I play in their life. And I'm free to explore what that relationship can look like, even if it doesn't look like a traditional mom role.
00:21:12
Speaker
Okay, and the last thing that I wanted to share is I read this quote a really long time ago, and I loved it so much. And it said, the majority of your children's lives, you will know them as an adult. So that means like,
00:21:33
Speaker
They're going to live hopefully really long lives and it's only 18 years that you see them as a minor that you're completely responsible for. I'm not saying that you don't continue to parent and lead and guide and all those things after 18, but the majority of their life you will know them as their adult self.
00:21:50
Speaker
And so this parenting piece is just, it's so short. It's so, it's going to go by so fast. And like, especially for me, because I didn't know them from birth, like I came in when they were six and 10 years old. So I even missed, you know, a decade of their little years. So the majority of the time that I'm going to know them, they're going to be adults.
00:22:08
Speaker
and i keep that in mind because so much of my interaction with them and my relationship with them i really try to say to myself what do i want the relationship to look like in 10 15 20 years when they are fully their adult selves like in making sure that i'm laying the foundation and setting the
00:22:28
Speaker
like cultivating this relationship with them now that is gonna support us having the type of relationship I want when they are an adult. And what I mean by that is when they are 25 years old, 30 years old, they're making career moves, they're getting married, having kids, you know, whatever it is that they decide, which no pressure on our ends for those things to happen, but whatever it is that they decide as adults, I want them to always be able to say,
00:22:59
Speaker
Um, like the kids have always called me Juju. That's, that's their name for me. I've never been Mama Julie or anything like that from day one. For some reason, I was always Juju. I want them to say like, I just remember Juju always being there.
00:23:15
Speaker
And I remember that she was easy to talk to and I remember having a lot of fun with her and I remember her helping us in a lot of ways, whether it was with homework or relationships or figuring out like anxiety about school, like all these different things that I talked to them about. I just want them as an adult to say, I just remember Juju always being there for me.
00:23:38
Speaker
And I think that that is what lays the foundation for really healthy relationships in adulthood is that, like, I don't think that they're going to remember a lot of the things that I say. They're going to remember how I made them feel. And I want them to feel that our house was a place of no judgment. Our house was a place of support, that it wasn't
00:24:00
Speaker
overly strict in a way that causes like rebellion later on. Like I just want them to remember and always feel like I always knew Juju loved me. And so I think about that and a lot of these interactions whether it's hard conversations that we're having to have because they've done something that's not okay and we're trying to like lead them and guide them whether it's like missing curfew or relationships or stuff like that. Like even when we're having to have some of those really hard conversations I always want them to leave feeling
00:24:28
Speaker
That was a good conversation and I'm glad we had it. Because I think that that's what's going to help us have a healthy relationship in the future. And I also want them to see, and I think that this has been something that's really important to me too, is I also want them to see me have like my own life and my own things so that they can look back and remember like Juju was really hard working. I remember when she was first starting her podcast and things like that. Like I share with them
00:24:54
Speaker
some of the very like adult struggles that we have too of like how stressful work can be, but how rewarding it can be and about how they can be anything that they want. Like I'd never thought I would be a podcaster, but here I am, you know? And so I think about all these things that like what their experience
00:25:13
Speaker
of having a stepmom is and I think that that's really really important that I think I can get bogged down in the things that I'm like I can't control this and I would do it differently and in 20 years it's not going to matter.
00:25:29
Speaker
There are so many things that in 20 years it is not gonna matter, but they will remember how you made them feel. And so I spend way more energy and way more time focusing on that and focusing on the actual relationship that we have than I do like the little things that I can or can't control, which again are not gonna matter in 20 years.
Positive Messaging in Co-Parenting
00:25:52
Speaker
And the last thing I wanna throw out there is
00:25:56
Speaker
is just a reminder of how smart kids are and how perceptive they are. And so if parenting is hard and stressful and you're in a hard, stressful spot with the co-parent,
00:26:11
Speaker
keeping in mind that kids can pick up on that so much. And in my job on a daily basis, when we're doing a lot of like inner child healing and going back and processing through things that happened in childhood, what I realized over and over again is that children have a way of
00:26:31
Speaker
processing the things that are going on around them and internalizing things really incorrectly. So often kids think that what's going on with adults is their fault. That if they hadn't done this or if they hadn't done that, then mommy and daddy wouldn't be fighting. They just have an incredible way of feeling like they're at fault for so many different things. And so I want to encourage you to be really, really mindful of what the kids' experiences are.
00:26:57
Speaker
Even if they are having behavioral issues, even if they are having trouble in a certain area or they're, you know, being rebellious or not listening or something like that.
00:27:07
Speaker
which I have lots of feelings about the word rebellious even as I use it myself. But anyways, like even if you're having some of those struggles, I want you to be really, really mindful of the message that they're getting from you. And so in my practice, I'm constantly working with people through feelings of I do bad things or I'm not good enough or I'm a failure or I'm worthless.
00:27:32
Speaker
making sure that you constantly speak love and positivity into those kids lives, even if in the moment they are doing something that is making it hard to feel love towards them in the moment because they're like causing you a lot of stress.
00:27:47
Speaker
make sure that the message that you are giving them is consistent, that they are loved and that they are wanted and that they are good enough. And I think that that's like a message for all parents, not just step parents. But I often think about like how many kids grew up in really like dysfunctional families and they'll tell me it was because a teacher or a coach or somebody like that was the one person
00:28:13
Speaker
that made them feel like they were worthy or that that was the one person that believed in them. And I think so many times as a step parent, like we have the ability to be one of those peoples and people in their lives that are speaking life into them and giving them the message of
00:28:33
Speaker
Like I'm so thankful you came into my life. I tell my kids all the time, like I never would have expected to be a step mom. And we actually have had these moments since they've gotten a little bit older and we've been able to share with each other how nervous we were when we first met. And I was like, why were you nervous? I was the one that was nervous because if you guys didn't like me, I don't think your dad would have married me. And so I was like super nervous to meet you guys.
00:28:57
Speaker
And they were like, no, we were super nervous to meet you because what if you were like this evil stepmom and you were going to make it really hard for us to have a relationship with dad. And so we've laughed about it, but we've been able to be honest with each other about this was hard for both of us in a lot of ways, but at the same time, like I've been able to share with them that they have been one of the biggest blessings in my life that I did not see coming because I never expected myself to be in this position.
00:29:22
Speaker
And so I think that as I'm thinking about the role that I want to play in their life and who I want them to remember me being when they're adults, I think about how many times I've been really intentional with trying to give them the message of, even when life is hard, that they are good enough.
00:29:39
Speaker
and that they are loved and they are worthy and they get that message all over the place. I'm not saying that they ever don't get that message, but I'm really intentional with just making sure that that is the narrative that they have always heard from me. And so I really encourage you that if you're in a hard position,
00:29:57
Speaker
whether it's with co-parenting or anything that's going on, think about what's the mark that you're leaving? What's going to be your tagline for when they think back into when this person was in my life? And even if you're frustrated and you're having a hard time with them, think about them above yourself because they're just kids.
00:30:19
Speaker
They're just children. And if they're having behavioral issues, it's because they're having to work out really complicated things that they don't have the tools yet to work those things out, like emotionally.
00:30:32
Speaker
So that's it. That's all I had to share when it comes to step parenting.
Seeing the Blessings in Step-Parenting
00:30:35
Speaker
I know that that is like not even the tip of the iceberg when it comes to all the struggles and different like complicated scenarios and complicated feelings that come with step parenting. But if nothing else, I just want to remind you, um, how worthy you are as a step parent.
00:30:55
Speaker
And how choosing to love somebody else's children is such like, that's a big ask. That's a big responsibility and a big task to take on. So if you have chosen to be in kids' lives that aren't your own, like kudos to you. And also just remembering that if you let it,
00:31:16
Speaker
It can be one of the biggest blessings in your life too that you never saw coming. And even if now it's hard, it doesn't mean that it's always going to be that way. And the future can always look different than what it looks like right now. And just make sure that you are planting plenty of those seeds so that later on you can
00:31:33
Speaker
Reap that, right? And that you can have people in your life that that just you really mean a lot to each other and you have lots of good history together.
Closing and Listener Encouragement
00:31:42
Speaker
So that's it for today. Hopefully this episode will save and it won't get deleted like it did yesterday. If it does, I'm not recording this again. We will just skip this and we will pick it up another season. But hopefully everything will go okay.
00:31:56
Speaker
So don't forget, give my podcast a like subscribe, give me a good rating. Um, that's the only way that it's going to continue to grow. And thank you so much for everybody that does tune in every week. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. We'll talk to you next time.
00:32:13
Speaker
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Outside of Session. Remember, while I am a licensed therapist, this podcast is not a substitute for individual therapy. The contents of this episode are for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you are having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 for immediate assistance or dial 988 for the suicide and crisis lifeline.