Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Boundaries
214 Plays2 years ago
Who doesn’t need a refresher on boundaries? Today, Julie explores the 3 types of boundaries you might need to set in your life to avoid resentment and aim for healthier relationships.
Follow me on Instagram @empower_counseling
Visit www.empowercca.com
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to 'Outside of Session'
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to outside of session. I'm your host, licensed clinical social worker and therapist BFF, Julie Hilton. We're going to cover all the things here, whether it's mental health, entrepreneurship, relationships, trauma, or just life. Nothing is off limits. Hopefully you'll laugh a little and learn a lot, but most importantly, feel encouraged on your journey to live empowered.
Episode 2 Overview: Mental Health Focus
00:00:34
Speaker
What's up everyone and welcome to episode two of outsider session. Last week I dropped episode one and it was really just a get to know me episode where I just shared a lot of random facts about myself so that you would have a sense of who I am. But this week I'm really excited because we are going to really start to dive into some conversations about mental health.
Listener Request: Boundaries
00:00:56
Speaker
So a couple of weeks ago, I reached out on Instagram and asked for some suggestions of what you guys would like to hear on the show, what kind of topics you want to talk about, what kind of things you're either struggling with or just interested in. And the very first response I got was someone asking to talk about boundaries. And so that's what we're going to do today. I'm really excited to talk about this because
00:01:18
Speaker
I do think that boundaries are something that, um, it's the topic of a lot of conversations now and it's so needed mostly because I feel like boundaries are something that we really were not taught how to set in a lot of ways.
Why Are Boundaries Challenging?
00:01:35
Speaker
So I feel like a lot of us are just trying to figure this out for the very first time and give ourselves permission to set some really hard boundaries with people. And as much as they are needed, it's still a really, really hard thing to do. So before we even start talking about that, let me go ahead and put that out there that I understand that in a lot of ways, setting boundaries are really, really hard.
00:01:56
Speaker
So today I want to share with you the three types of boundaries that I have come to just identify and I talk with my clients about a lot.
Boundaries and Relationship Functionality
00:02:05
Speaker
But before we jump into talking about the three types of boundaries, I want to start the conversation by prefacing it with my belief that the purpose of boundaries is always to make a relationship function better.
00:02:21
Speaker
And I think that going into any scenario where you are having to set a boundary, reminding yourself that your intentions are for the relationship to function better. I know it doesn't always feel that way and it doesn't always seem that way, especially when there's a lot of tension or a lot of strain in the relationship.
00:02:39
Speaker
But even thinking about those relationships, if you can set this boundary and both sides can start to respect it and understand it, the relationship will function better. And if you can set one boundary and it start to function better, that potentially possibly could leave to a different boundary that's less restrictive, that really builds the relationship even more.
00:03:01
Speaker
So even if that's not necessarily possible in some of those really difficult cases, at least telling yourself that your intention is to set a good boundary so that you are more healthy. The relationship is more healthy. It functions better. Just remind yourself that of going into it, that your intentions are good.
Resentment as a Boundary Indicator
00:03:21
Speaker
Another thing that I wanted to talk about before we jump into the three types of boundaries is how do you even know if you need to set a boundary in a relationship? Now, sometimes it's very obvious and there's no explanation needed, but in a lot of other areas, it's not so like black and white.
00:03:39
Speaker
I always remind people that the best way to tell that you need a boundary in a relationship is when you are starting to feel resentment in that relationship. Resentment is a really good indicator and a really good cue that somehow your boundary is already being pushed or you're feeling taken advantage of, but more likely than not, you haven't even discussed a boundary in that area, so you don't realize that it's being pushed.
00:04:08
Speaker
Resentment is one of those things that it can kind of creep up on you if you're not careful. Um, so you really kind of have to take inventory of some of your relationships and say, am I feeling resentful in any way so that you can tell, Oh yeah, probably needs a boundary there. We probably need to have a conversation.
00:04:24
Speaker
I know as a therapist, we even talk amongst ourselves a lot when we're doing like consultation groups and stuff about checking ourselves for resentment towards our clients, because sometimes if we don't hold really good boundaries with our clients, we can even start to develop resentment towards them. And so you're not going to show up as the same kind of therapist if you're holding some resentment towards them. So, um, really like examining those relationships and seeing, is there a conversation that is needed so that you don't hold on to resentment towards that person?
00:04:55
Speaker
A really good example of this is, let's say your boss at work or your manager at work has found you to be kind of their go to person. And so every time you turn around, they are asking you to take on additional tasks or projects. And they're not going to other people because they know that you're going to get it done on time. They know that you're going to provide really quality work, which sounds like a compliment, but it's really being taken advantage of a little bit.
00:05:25
Speaker
That obviously is a place where resentment can start to build because you're starting to realize like this is, I'm giving more than I'm supposed to be giving here and it's burning me out. Um, I'm starting to feel taken advantage of, not appreciated for it. So those are the kinds of things that you look for of if you're feeling burned out or you're feeling resentful, chances are you need to set a boundary there.
Healthy Relationship Boundaries
00:05:49
Speaker
So now I wanna talk about the three types of boundaries that I have identified. The first one is what I call a collaborative boundary. That kind of boundary is one that you can set with someone who typically you feel like you already have a pretty healthy relationship. This is the type of person that you can have some difficult conversations, you feel really respected by them, you feel really cared for by them, and you know that if you bring a concern to them that
00:06:16
Speaker
they're likely going to show concern that you're feeling resentful or feeling taken advantage of or something like that. They are going to care that you're not feeling like things are great between the two of you. So when you set a boundary with this person, it really does feel like you're collaborating on it. So let's go back to that example of having a boss that's putting extra work on you.
00:06:38
Speaker
So if you talk to your boss and you say, Hey, I need to talk to you. Um, I'm really glad that you feel like I produce really good quality of work, but I'm not going to lie. It's starting to feel like I am taking on too much. I'm starting to feel like I'm doing more work than other people.
00:06:57
Speaker
And at that point, after you've kind of stated the problem, you don't even necessarily have to know exactly what the boundary is before you go into that conversation because you're looking to collaborate with them. So you can say something to your boss like, how do you think that we could divvy this workup differently so that it doesn't seem like I'm the only one taking on these extra tasks?
00:07:16
Speaker
Now, again, if you have a if you have a boss that you feel like is really in your corner and you have a good relationship with, they're typically going to say something like, oh, I never made you feel I didn't mean to make you feel that way. Absolutely. Let's talk about how we can divide the work up so that it doesn't feel like it's all falling on you. Now, I know that feels like a very simple
00:07:38
Speaker
type of relationship to have to set a boundary in. But I wanted to bring that to your attention because a lot of times we are having these like boundary setting conversations, but because they're a little bit easier, they don't seem like it. And I think it's really important to give ourselves credit for having those kind of hard conversations because even though they're not the hardest, they still
00:07:58
Speaker
we should still should get credit for them. So when you say I'm really bad at sounding at setting boundaries, maybe you're not. Maybe you're doing a really good job in some areas and you're just not giving yourself credit for it because you're not calling them a boundary. Another like really good example of that is, you know, if you and your spouse or your partner at the end of the day, if you guys are both sitting next to each other, scrolling on your phone, not talking for like an hour, like sending each other memes or just in your own little world,
00:08:25
Speaker
you might start to notice in your relationship that you're feeling a little bit disconnected from that person. So if this is someone who usually receives feedback pretty well, you can say something like, Hey babe, I feel like in the evenings, I really wish we could connect a little bit more. Can we do something like put our phones down for an hour or make a rule where we have our phones off at dinner so that we can really like get back to a good conversation with each other and really feel like we're connecting.
00:08:52
Speaker
So again, like a lot of you might already be doing things like that and you're just not calling it a boundary. And so collaborative boundaries are the first one because they're the easiest to set.
Firm Boundaries in Disrespectful Relationships
00:09:07
Speaker
The second kind of boundary is the next level because they're not quite as easy. And I call this one a firm boundary. A firm boundary is when you know this person is not gonna necessarily collaborate with you. You guys are kind of beyond that level with each other. You know that they typically either try to gaslight you or they try to dismiss you. And so you have to be a little bit more firm. So I call it a firm boundary because they're gonna push back a little bit.
00:09:34
Speaker
They're going to say something like, Oh, you could just do it one more time. Or that boss might say, Oh, it's not that big of a deal. Everybody's got a lot on their plate right now. And so you have to be a little bit more firm with them. Um, an example of that could be something like if you have a family member that always expects you to like,
00:09:53
Speaker
bail them out of situations. And so they call you last minute and they say, Oh my gosh, can you go pick my daughter up from school? I'm not going to be able to make it. I'm stuck in a meeting. And you know that that's something that is not a one off. They have really bad time management and it puts you in a really bad position of having to rearrange your day to have to go do a favor for them.
00:10:16
Speaker
Or it can be something like you have a family member that is really bad with their finances, and so they're always asking you for money. And it's at a place where you're having to be a little bit more firm. So usually a firm boundary is some variation of no, which can be really hard to say, but it can you have a little bit of a chance to prepare them for it.
00:10:36
Speaker
So you can say something like, yes, I will go pick them up this time, but I'm telling you this is the last time I'm going to be able to help you. Or it can be something like, I can give you this money this time to cover this bill, but going forward, I'm going to have to stay out of your finances. I'm not going to be able to help you anymore. Sometimes it's just a straight up no, especially if you've already tried to set a firm boundary with them before like that, and they're coming back again.
00:11:02
Speaker
And again, these are the boundaries that start to get more difficult to set with people because it's going to be more on you just to hold that boundary. It's hard to tell people no, I understand that, especially if it's someone that you love, especially that if you know that they really are in a bind, but you also know that it's not your responsibility to constantly get them out of the bind that they get themselves in. So it's just got to be a little bit more firm.
The Role of Internal Boundaries
00:11:28
Speaker
And then the third kind of boundary is what I call an internal boundary. Now this is with someone who consistently has disrespected your boundaries. It doesn't really matter how firm you've been with them in the past and you've tried a firm boundary with them in the past. They just continue to.
00:11:46
Speaker
disrespect your boundary and you are kind of at a place of saying it doesn't even do any good to talk to them about it anymore. So instead of trying to set a boundary with them, I call it an internal boundary because you're only setting it with yourself. So this is kind of a rule that you have for yourself that, um, is just a different way to protect you. So this could be something like telling yourself, yeah, I'll go to the family function, but if mom starts drinking, I'm going to leave.
00:12:16
Speaker
You know if you have a history of your mom abusing you in some way whether it's verbally emotionally or physically every time she starts drinking then and you've tried to talk to her about it in the past and No progress has been made then you just think to have an internal boundary of if she starts drinking. I'm just gonna leave I'm gonna pack my kids up and We're just gonna be done with a family event
00:12:41
Speaker
I realized that this is the hardest to set because they're going to be the most black and white. They're going to be the most extreme boundaries, but this person over and over again has proven to you that they're not interested in helping the relationship function better. So this can also be something like if you have to completely cut somebody off, you might even get to a point of saying, I'm not even going to Christmas because I know mom's going to be drinking. And until I see some kind of like change on her behalf, I'm not even going to go.
00:13:08
Speaker
And these are really hard to set because again, like they're the most black and white, it might get to the point of having to cut off a relationship. And, you know, initially when I said it's supposed to help the relationship function better that that's always best case scenario. But when you get to the level of having to set these internal boundaries, it may be beyond the relationship functioning better, and it may just be about helping you function better.
00:13:32
Speaker
So another thing that I wanted to talk about with boundaries is kind of a twist with boundaries a little bit.
Boundaries as Self-Protection
00:13:41
Speaker
So let me start out by sharing with you this metaphor that I really love when it comes to boundaries. So a boundary is supposed to be like a fence and not a wall. And you might've heard that saying before, but this is the metaphor that I love. So if you and I are next door neighbors and we don't have a fence between our yards, like
00:14:00
Speaker
lining our property line. And let's say it's a hot summer morning. And if it's in Atlanta, it's probably like 95 degrees outside and it's already humid. And you walk outside at like eight o'clock in the morning and you're like, I'm going to cut my grass before it gets too hot.
00:14:19
Speaker
So you start cutting your grass, but you don't know exactly where our property lines meet. You might have like a vague idea, but you're not exactly sure. So if you were the type of person that you have the kind of personality that you're a little bit more of maybe a giver or a people pleaser or just
00:14:40
Speaker
a little bit more of like a giver personality. You are probably going to make sure that you cut all of your yard by cutting a little bit of my grass to make sure that you're not leaving, leaving anything for me to do.
00:14:54
Speaker
Now, if I am the type of person that I'm more of a taker, I'm going to see that you cut a few inches of my grass and I'm going to be like, cool, that's less than I have to do. And so it may be that over time, it may only take you a couple of minutes to do that extra grass. But by the end of the summer, you might start to feel a little bit of resentment because it's like,
00:15:14
Speaker
dang, every time I cut my grass, I make sure that I cut a little bit of Julie's so that she knows that I'm trying to be a good neighbor, but she never does that in return. So that's what I mean about starting to feel resentful and start to feel a little bit taken advantage of. So if you notice that resentment and you say, okay, I guess I need to set a boundary, you might come to me and say, Hey, I'm going to pay to have a fence belt built between our yards. And that's you kind of setting the boundary.
00:15:45
Speaker
Again, if I'm the type of person that I'm more of a taker, I might be a little bit ticked off at that boundary because I might be like, dang, I'm not getting free labor anymore. Um, so there might be a little bit of a pushback. I might be, uh, I might say, you know, we don't really need it. Again, like dismissing a gaslighting of, Oh, we don't really need that. It'll look tacky. It'll not look good.
00:16:06
Speaker
Um, but you hold your boundary and say, no, I'm going to buy the fence. So then I might get even more bitter towards you, depending on how, um, dysfunctional our relationship is. I might actually stop talking to you because that happens a lot when you set boundaries with people. I might turn into like a nasty neighbor, which again happens a lot of times when you set these boundaries. But here's what I want to point out.
00:16:31
Speaker
A lot of times when we need to set a boundary because we are starting to feel resentful, the reason we're feeling resentful is we feel taken advantage of. But in this circumstance, the reason you feel taken advantage of is actually because you are doing my work for me.
00:16:47
Speaker
And so many times in life, we don't realize that we're doing other people's stuff for them. They need to be doing it. They need to be taking care of it. But we just default to being the person that everybody goes to. We default to being the person that just takes care of stuff. And that's why we feel so exhausted and burned out and resentful is because other people are getting away with not having to do their work because we're we're doing it for them voluntarily.
00:17:14
Speaker
And so a lot of times we think of offense as keeping someone or something out of our yard to make sure we like protect our property, make sure that nobody is like trespassing or anything like that. But a lot of times the reason why boundaries are needed is to keep you from going out of your yard to do somebody else's work.
00:17:35
Speaker
And that's a little bit of a twist. Like that's a different way to look at things is to say sometimes you need a boundary to stop yourself from taking on something that is not yours that eventually causes you to be burned out. And so I just want to make that point so that you stop and can also like take inventory of your life of and what areas do I need a boundary because I'm doing somebody else's work for them.
00:18:00
Speaker
A really good example of this is in ways that we do people's emotional work for them. So the more you think about it, the more you probably will relate to this. If you take some time to just like journal through this or think through this, there are a lot of times that we change our behavior or we change our reactions or we don't advocate for our, a need of ours to be met because we're worried how it'll affect the other person.
00:18:28
Speaker
which is not necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes that is a selfless thing to do.
00:18:35
Speaker
But a lot of times it's unnecessary. A lot of times that's where you have very codependent tendencies and habits because you're changing who you are to make someone else more comfortable instead of being yourself and advocating for your needs and letting them do their work, their emotional work with figuring out how to deal with and handle and process and work through their own stuff so that they can be a good partner or friend or boss.
00:19:04
Speaker
with the true version of you. So I really want people to stop and think about that a little bit of how much of a boundary do you need in your relationship so that you can be a more authentic version of yourself rather than making yourself small or making yourself like filtered so that you don't have to experience the other person having a negative reaction. That's a good place to set a boundary.
The Cost of Setting Boundaries
00:19:31
Speaker
So the last thing that I want to mention about boundaries is
00:19:37
Speaker
kind of the harder side of boundaries, which is I know how difficult this is. I know how hard these conversations are. And yes, we have lots of areas in life where we get to have these really cool, beautiful collaborative boundaries with people and sometimes even the firm boundaries work. But when it gets really hard and it gets really complicated and you're having to set some of those internal boundaries with people, I think it's worth mentioning that a lot of times setting a boundary will cost you something.
00:20:06
Speaker
it will cost you some relationships in your lives. In some cases when you're having to cut people off or when you're having to spend less time with them, you're really having to like limit their access to your life. In a lot of ways it does cost us something. And so I think to go into it and not acknowledge the fact that
00:20:25
Speaker
Once you set a boundary, you may have to give yourself time to grieve the result of that. I think that that's just so important to give yourself space for that. If you're having to say, I can't go to family functions because of someone's addiction. If you're having to say, I can't have this relationship with someone because they can't respect my boundaries. That's hard and that's sad. And it's heartbreaking that the other person is not willing to do what's needed to do for the relationship to function better.
00:20:52
Speaker
So I think that that's one part that people don't talk about enough is that we have to give ourselves space to grieve what we wish the relationship was versus what it actually is. And again, that's where you need to have a therapist for those really hard conversations to determine like, has it gotten to a place if you need to cut this person off or set a really strict boundary with them? And how do you process the grief of needing to maybe let go of them?
00:21:17
Speaker
So that's everything that I have about boundaries.
Conclusion and Feedback Request
00:21:20
Speaker
I know that there's probably several more podcasts that we could do about this and maybe we will eventually. If you enjoyed this, please obviously leave a comment, a like, a follow always helps share this with someone. And if you have any other questions about drip boundaries or you want to dig into something more specific, leave a comment so that I can do another episode on this. So I know exactly how to help you navigate, navigate this difficult topic. Well, that's it for today. We'll see you next week, guys.
00:21:49
Speaker
Thanks for tuning in to this episode of Outside of Session. Remember, while I am a licensed therapist, this podcast is not a substitute for individual therapy. The contents of this episode are for educational and entertainment purposes only. If you are having a mental health emergency, please dial 911 for immediate assistance or dial 988 for the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.