Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Club Chat: Relationships
170 Plays7 months ago
Emma and Amy chat about what relationships look like after children: the highs, the lows and what we can do about them if they start to take a back seat.
We share our experiences as well as plenty of yours, so hopefully you will feel reassured that it is rarely easy.
Want to be part of our next Club Chat? Join us on Instagram
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Tiredness
00:00:09
Speaker
Hi I'm Amy and I'm Emma and this is the Five Hour Club Podcast where we navigate life between the school runs.
00:00:21
Speaker
Hello hello hi how are you doing? I have been more well slept
00:00:28
Speaker
So you're tired. I am tired. But what's the point in saying that because we're all tired? Let's come up with another word for tired. Exhausted. What level of tired are you? Oh, you know, and thats that's good. We can think. I'm so tired. I can't think of another word for tired. This is going to be a great chat. no to know ah I'll be grand.
Solo Parenting and Podcast Launch
00:00:48
Speaker
Camille, how are you you? You had a bit of a a week last week, didn't you? I did, yeah. It was solo parenting and week in the mix of us launching the pilot. So it was a bit of a badly timed week from my point of view. yeah we We choose it well.
00:01:02
Speaker
yeah your times wasn't great. So by the end of the week, I was also exhausted on the scale, you know, up to a million. And then I will tell you this because I think it'll make you laugh. But ah my son, my husband got back on the Saturday and in the middle of hockey and swimming and I said, okay, well, you know, I'm not good, but I can see he's a bit jet-lagged. Okay, so we we do something together. And then we get home and I'm like, he'd already said to me, no, you can take some time on some backs. I'm like, great. Saturday afternoon, it's raining. I'm gonna go and chill out in bed for a couple of hours, right? So just go and hang out in bed, watch some TV.
00:01:37
Speaker
And I come upstairs and he's asleep on the sofa where the two boys and then these spacesuits that he got there are running around like headless chickens, foods everywhere. There's crumbs, there's dens, there's all sorts of shenanigans. So he's absolutely out for the count. And I'm like, and it was a worse state of my house and it had been all week, I see, been away. You were just like, hey, look at him, like these get eyes, like, what?
00:02:04
Speaker
Come on, give me, give me some time here, give me some time. I know, you're not allowed to have it. Gotta suck it up and give you a break. Get on your big boy pants and jet-lagged or not, just, you know, look after him for a few hours. But yeah, so let's say he didn't start off in the best dress the weekend, but, you know, he's had some more sleep now, so he's a bit less, you know, a bit more helpful, you know what I'm saying? Back into the swing of things.
00:02:35
Speaker
So yeah, that was the this start of a ah of a new week. Oh my goodness. But you, you know, you've definitely learned the next time he goes away to actually book, to leave the house, like go away to a spa so you can just get out and rest. literally As soon as he arrives, that's it. I'm just going to hand them over and do one away because we did that once, didn't we? It was really nice. So we're goingnna I'm going to do that again because this time around,
00:03:01
Speaker
yeah I just had to deal it with the jet lag and she was like coming an extra kid at home. but Yeah, yeah. I don't know what was worse, the sign of parenting week or him coming home. which I mean, you know, love him, I did miss him and all that. I did, if you're listening. and But the realities, yeah, that was fun. Does he listen?
00:03:24
Speaker
I hope not. But my sister-in-law does, who is married to his brother. Oh, okay. So we need to be relatively careful. Relatively careful. She openly listens to it while she's doing her ironing in front of all, you know, my niece and nephews and her brother, you know, his brother. So yeah, I should be careful. Hi, Sam, if you are listening.
00:03:48
Speaker
but So let's ah let's get on to today's chat which is actually quite apt.
Wedding Anniversary vs. Valentine's Day
00:03:54
Speaker
It is quite apt so yesterday was my wedding anniversary and I celebrated it by saying happy anniversary Chris as he was running out of the door.
00:04:06
Speaker
ah to work and the most chaotic dinner time in a long time. So yeah, no, we didn't do anything special for it. But we are, so we got together the day after Valentine's Day, however many years ago, a long time ago, um and we got married. ah So we yeah, we got together on the 15th and we got married on the 10th.
00:04:28
Speaker
So, we i we celebrate either or. We tend to not celebrate Valentine's Day because it kind of goes in the middle of it. and Or you should just celebrate them, you know, just in the middle. Just bang, have a massive day out, you know. Go full shebang. But yeah, no, we've we've we blocked off a couple of areas on Saturday. that oh And what are you gonna do? We have to be confirmed. but like Sounds very romantic. Go for a lunch or something, I know. But at least you have some, you know, you've got something planned when you have a bit more space to be on it. Yeah. So to be honest, it's just time. All that, that's all we need. It's just time with each other. We don't need anything fastly. We just need to... Just stare into each other's eyes. Oh yeah, yeah that exactly what we do for two areas. We just stare into each other. at No, we fall asleep.
00:05:21
Speaker
Well I hope you have a happy and emotional sleep on that day. Oh we look at photos of the kids. So there's that thing right where you minute you go for a date or you go out with your girlfriends and it's like whoever says the kids' names first and brings up the kids' and pays for the bill. I feel like that should be a rule because it's but it iss so hard not to. When how's she gonna talk about it? We don't do anything else. So that's the problem and that that's what it'll be like to get into today because to be perfectly honest Chris and I haven't had that many dates like official dates since we've had kids. I mean I would say definitely less than
00:05:58
Speaker
maybe a handful and you know during those times actually I was pleasantly surprised that we did have stuff to talk about that was outside the kids but it is hard yeah because like you don't want to talk about the state of the world also I mean I don't know if I've ever spoken about the state of the world with Jordan
00:06:22
Speaker
yeah I was thinking you know that, you don't want to talk about work, you don't want to talk about you know? like what did you like twitter saying so umna Which I will say is why it makes me laugh that the last time you went out with Kristen, you had a a night away, which was very recently, yes you saw my mum in the supermarket did and you reported back to say that you just went bright red because you were telling my mum that you were having a night away with your husband. It's horrifying because it's so rare that we go away. That when I saw your mum, I just felt like I went bright red. And I was like, I can't be telling her. I'm going away with my husband. This is too embarrassing. I was like, hold on. She was like, what are you talking about?
00:07:03
Speaker
She had no clue. She did not make that yeah suggestion, so no worries. It was our second night away in like i mean by yes five, six years. I mean, to be fair, yeah. My mum went over her head, so don't worry.
00:07:24
Speaker
but yeah so come here you asked some questions and of course it's valentine's day it is now i have a i think many people have a hatred towards not a hatred that's a strong word but i just yes one of those if for me it's just a commercial thing it is yeah i agree and i'm bit like but then if you don't do something even just like a nod or a card or mill you know it feels like then you you know what's left but then it's not specific to you at all so it's just some kind of made up it is it's forest romance and romance can't be for it cannot be for i don't think it can no i know it's just another day and let's face it when you've got kids even your anniversary like it's just another day and you want to mark these things because otherwise
00:08:11
Speaker
What else you do? You need an excuse to do something. But sometimes it's like, you're not going to get out to a restaurant. You're not going to get out. You might have a slightly nicer takeaway. So that's exactly it. I feel like it's so difficult to book things in or find a babysitter or, you know, swap, you know, children with friends, et cetera, to carve out that time.
00:08:30
Speaker
So, like, we need to save them for, like, anniversaries or breakdays. We're gonna do that for Valentine's Day. No, exactly. Yeah, it's a non none-event. yeah not Yeah, not for me. yeah For you, but that sounds what you got. You got a sandwich between your actual anniversaries. Love is in the air in February, clearly. We know what you do in February.
00:08:54
Speaker
Absolutely not. No more babies. So if anyone hasn't guessed, our topic for this club chat is relationships. It should show. And actually, so we asked three relatively high-level questions.
Relationship Changes Post-Children
00:09:17
Speaker
And actually, when we got the answers back, it's a lot, I mean, it is a lot more complicated than you'd like to think. There's a lot more nuance to relationships after children than I, and I think you probably thought, so. I'm really interested to find it. And you know, this is kind of what it, we're being a bit nosy, aren't we? I like it. I know, I like it.
00:09:39
Speaker
I know, I have to say thank you to anybody who did get involved in the polls and the chats this week because it is, it's quite, a it's a bit of a more personal one. And actually, it's really interesting to see, but also, yeah, we're not gonna share people's names and things, but it is, it's reassuring in some ways, and in other ways, it's, yeah, it's sort of quite refreshing in other ways. I know, yeah. I'm intrigued, Amy. Tell me more. I will tell you more. You might be surprised by the first one, though. So the first question was, has your relationship changed after children?
00:10:09
Speaker
now it was a yes no or not sure yet assuming that maybe you might have tiny children or you know that's just babies or you're pregnant yeah yeah yeah i and actually Unsurprisingly, 93% said that it had changed after children. I am actually surprised people said that it hadn't changed. Ah, okay. Yeah, but only, I mean, only 5% did. So a very small minority. Smaller said that they weren't sure. But yeah, I just want to know, you may have said, how could it not change? Yeah, because I feel changed as a person and it's going to have an impact.
00:10:45
Speaker
on dad or mum or whoever else you're with. um So inevitably, I think it will impact. But again, I can only talk about my experience. I can't even talk about your experience. Well, no, that's it. It is true. And I assume, you know, the majority it has changed and it would have changed in a negative way. But that's because it's based on my experience. But at the same time, it's kind of Yeah, for everybody, i guess so you say and I guess it depends how children come into your life. you know yeah If you don't conceive them, all you know there's lots of different so ways that people have children and different dynamics within relationships to begin with. oh my goodness So the level starts, you're like, oh, actually, what was the relationship?
00:11:34
Speaker
before that. he has i know what you know It might have changed a bit better because actually you were so desperate to have children and it was the one thing that was you know missing or whatever and actually it's united you and we've brought you together and you've worked really hard for it or you know it's gone the other way so it's quite interesting to see the so I didn't because I didn't ask in that first question has it changed negatively or positively you know that's a really good point because like obviously there are so many variables and there could be a couple who for example have been trying for baby for years and years and years and that could have had massive pressure on them you know so we just don't know every set of circumstance all we know is our own and all I like I had a pretty standard like I was you know my pretty
00:12:20
Speaker
You know, having babies,
Parenting Challenges and Relationship Dynamics
00:12:22
Speaker
it was all pretty standard and and pretty straightforward. you know yeah The only thing that wasn't straightforward was my youngest getting ill, and I think that did put extra pressure on us as a couple because we were in survival mode for so long. you know so So I think so I can appreciate that extra pressure.
00:12:43
Speaker
you're just having kids at the best of times is hard. But then if you do have a child with health issues or a disability or, you know, work pressures, you know, that's got to have an added stress. Yeah. Any external to the just sort of mainline standard set ups and yeah, it's going to have a different dynamic shift. Like I do think I can't see how you your relationship cannot change. I think no matter what, like no matter how you get to having children, the dynamic between two people changes so there's another person and people to yeah be thoughtful of and to take priority of and so you know without the ins and outs of what you know what you went through to get there and maybe some trauma, or birth trauma or you know after labor and all of those things. So say yeah i would be I would love to know from the people who said that it didn't change like yeah how
00:13:37
Speaker
how it stayed the same. Cause I just, I mean, cause even like critically wonder, and like pre-kids were like, what did we do at the weekend? I can tell you what I did. I was very lame. We used to joke. We, we love practice now, but we used to go around cause we've been together a long time, right? Since we were very young. And we used to walk around Darnell Mill, the homework store.
00:13:59
Speaker
on a Saturday, and I say this with all seriousness, in our 20s. We could do that now. We could do that now. I hate doing that now. I would never do that now. But we could. But we did better then. And I'll tell you, what are we doing with our lives? We would love to go back to Europe, and shake us up. I mean, shake us up. Yeah. Abs are flipping lately, honestly. You know, what a could have been using my 20s in a match, but oh no. We were, like, at 19, married, living together by the age of 21. I know.
00:14:28
Speaker
yeah we were in we were in oh it was it was like i wasted i waited a lot i know i did a lot of working and planning but with chris what do you do with him ah what did i do with him i can't from like i literally can't remember and that's interesting right because it's like for me i always go back to this point and we'll come on to how we describe our relationships now in a minute but It's so hard like I feel like it is so hard right now and the only thing that gives me some sort of hope is that I actually still quite like him. I can see that once all this really hard stuff kind of eases a little bit I still enjoy spending time with him and want to spend you know my days with him yeah in the you know my grey and old and whatever
00:15:15
Speaker
And so because we had this a relatively strong relationship, relatively, before having kids. So yeah we had this foundation. But i not ever see not everybody goes into having kids with somebody else yeah in a relatively strong point. I mean, I say that, but just before we had kids, we had a really rocky time. It was like a make or break situation. And then we had children. We were like, well, OK, we're in this. We are in this now, OK.
00:15:42
Speaker
um so So yeah, so it's kind of, but then I thought back on the fact that actually I still like him and I still want to spend time with him. It's a good sign. It's a great sign, but it doesn't make it easier. Just makes it less like you're gonna, I don't know, it depends what day of the week it is. Yeah. Unless he's been away, so.
00:16:02
Speaker
say And month. And month. And yeah, time of the month. yeah And, oh my god, they're so empty. They're definitely at times, it's the month that I'm like, ah, yeah. I mean, I'd rather. I mean, he could breathe. I'd rather not. Yeah. And it irritates the life out of me. and I do not even breathe, Mimi. Oh god, I do remember it.
00:16:21
Speaker
when my youngest was probably a few weeks old and I do genuinely think he was breathing. I was like, why am I so angry at him? This is annoying. Why? Okay, so I wanna ask you this first before I share some of the others. So let me ask, what was the word to describe your relationship now? So this is you and Chris now. How would you describe your relationship? Oh God.
00:16:48
Speaker
Um, non-existent. That's a new one on the list. Okay. I'm worried. um so Satisfactory. You would give it an amber if you were going to do one of those. The is... Straight face. Straight face. I know, I know. The truth is when...
00:17:17
Speaker
It's such's such a hard question to give in one word, because for me, the majority of the time, we are a team, right? and like Actually, that's the word I'm gonna, team players, right? That's the word I'm gonna give to you.
00:17:33
Speaker
Because at the moment we are a team, the kids are really young, I think we're about pretty good at viewing this as a chapter. And there are really good bits and there are hard bits.
00:17:47
Speaker
and I think because we did go away recently I also had that realization to you of oh yeah I still like you which is great and actually we can talk about grand designs etc etc and it's and it's fun um so I would say
Teamwork in Marriage
00:18:07
Speaker
you know and if you caught me on that weekend I would say you know exemplar I'm dancing.
00:18:18
Speaker
Oh God. um You know, no, content, you know, like, and actually it was for the first time in six years. I felt like it was us before kids. I haven't had that. I literally haven't had that since we've had kids. We we do have moments and we, you know, we do like no board games together. I mean, check us out. Wild things. I mean, it's better than Denim. I think it's better than Denim.
00:18:44
Speaker
Oh, no, we only did the word games after kids because during the pandemic, because as something to do and we can talk about, you know, you're not just like sitting there over dinner. At least you did that. I mean, I think I'm pretty much ignoring that dynamic. But it's just it's just something something fun. So anyway, that's my word. What's your word? um I mean, so mine is is it's hard. Like I feel like our relationship is difficult and and can be but again it depends what's been going on like he's just been away it's you know it's been a tricky time and I think actually by researching bits for this pod it made me reflect a lot on
00:19:29
Speaker
how, yes, this is just a moment in a long relationship, hopefully. And, you know, touring with the idea of either him being there or not being there, I'd much rather him be here so we can be a team. And when we are good, we're really good. But we're quite extreme people. And I think when it's tricky for me, particularly, you know, it just feels too hard. Like, is it is it worth saving? Is it, you know, is it something that we can get through together? And I do think we can.
00:19:59
Speaker
But it depends on what else has been going on. like if we you know if we If we're getting through things and it's we're doing it in a positive way and we're working together and communication is great, then it feels like we can survive anything. But for the majority of the time, it probably just feels harder than it needs to be. and And I think that's because there's things that we both need to work on as part of the relationship to help us get through it in a more positive way and look at it in a more positive way. he actually does I was speaking to him about this last night and he does think of this as you know just a part of our lives and it is hard but we it is worth
00:20:34
Speaker
saving it is worth keeping together. um And I need to do more work on realizing that it's not all or nothing, like we can, it's just tricky. And yeah and i like I will say, so when I, the people in the in the list, I sort of split them into two categories or three. One sort of being relatively negative words, one being more positive words. We had the negative ones, a bit like mine, like strained, more serious, you know, somewhere separated, hostile, challenging, tricky.
00:21:02
Speaker
just survival mode tough. So there was a lot of that sort of feeling which is obviously really hard to know but it was the majority. He had a very few who were like you and sort of had more of a positive spin on it and realised that it is just a ah part of you know life and it's a lot of people say partnership.
00:21:22
Speaker
which was nice, unified, ah perfection. ah shit i know yeah but that was I know they have a newborn so that's an interesting ah perspective.
00:21:34
Speaker
and that doubt up it
00:21:39
Speaker
Do you know what? I do remember when I had the newborn and it was just that intense love for like the three of us. It was in that bubble for a week. Oh my goodness. I ah have to say that it's a really, really special time. It's ah a moment, right? It's that bonding bit as a family. You are a new family, new unit, and it is lovely. It is perfection. It is. If they're not colloquy. Yeah, until it's first. and You won't tell that to them.
00:22:05
Speaker
but and then he had this kind of middle ground where it was like a quite like three people said housemates yeah yeah you know what i'd say i'd agree with that i'd say like when i say teamwork because the truth of the matter is i don't see chris that much But we're at a a kind of a challenging stage and and in our life and actually the research shows that in jobs, but like the midlife and how people get actually quite unhappy. But I'm not surprised because where Chris is at in his career, there's so much pressure on him and he's working such long hours and we've got all these like external stresses that
00:22:41
Speaker
um that do put that pressure on it and like person ships and then yeah it's kind of you sort of tag team and hands over and like people say it's very functional yeah and so i do think it is that sort of glimpses of okay it's really hard to either try and make it work and you become more routine but it is still very sort of it's not surface level but you don't get the time for each other so it's kind of yeah you're working together on something that's just really tricky. Yes and yeah so I think I just I just felt it was really refreshing actually those who were really positive and actually have seen that it has positively changed their relationships
00:23:20
Speaker
yeah and I can see like when we are good I can see that can also be a possibility that it it actually makes us stronger and it makes us you know come together and you know it's great that we have a chat about the kit in all of that stuff which you know makes us laugh when you've got this shared thing with the children that you can enjoy forever together and you know and you've got those in jokes when they do something funny and and unlike I know like the boys are getting to an age I absolutely I am I have to say loving this age they're so funny and we do have little moments like that as a family whereas for for quite a few years I was like okay there'll be there'll be one and three next year okay next year there'll be like two and four next year there'll be you know but I feel like you know we are starting to really enjoy just the moments just moments of of happiness
00:24:14
Speaker
yeah and and we can have that together but i will say it is a moment like it will pass quickly yeah absolutely when i say shooting stars oh yeah magic it so it' like and that's gone no okay so so It's good to know sort of where people are at in their relationship. And it is promising to know that, you know, it is it there is things that maybe can be done to help ease this tricky time in our lives. It's reassuring. It is reassuring. I'm like, right. These people who are doing, you've got the positive side, right? Tell us all of the ways that that happens. This is what we need, right? This is what we need. Like, I want to know how to get that perfection.
00:24:59
Speaker
Okay, we're not gonna reach too high, but even if, for me, it'd be like, if I can get to a point where we can be a team and not kill each other, you know, at the moment, we're like, ah how can you describe it? and I don't know, like, with two people doing the same fight, but we're like, almost like, a bit committed, and like, time and management, and who's, you know, priority and more important, so it's like, think about if it's a nice, seamless team, or we work together. That is like a goal for us. But I really hope it doesn't listen, but,
00:25:29
Speaker
So people did share some ideas of how they maintain it. So I'll give some of the things where people are struggling to maintain and they just say they just don't. they have different paths and mindset since children. So that's interesting, right? It's like, you could go into becoming a parent with somebody, thinking that you're completely on the same page and that you get each other and all of those things. But then, na as we know, like they can come out and you want to maybe parent completely differently. Do you know what? I didn't even think of this unless you're something really obvious. so
00:25:59
Speaker
and I don't think of this because this is so somewhere where I'm very lucky that Chris and I, we definitely agree on parenting and the styles and we kind of have a few like round rules that we didn't even say to each other but like we'll always back each other up even if I might slightly disagree with it which I very rarely do might be like he's giving them extra sweets or like something silly but um uh Yeah, I think I've never actually thought about that. That's really, that's a really good point. Yeah, so I think for for us it's been.
00:26:34
Speaker
We, but I think because I took sort of very much the default parent from the beginning, it was sort of an I read a lot about how to do things and was very conscious about it. And so I would sort of share what I've learned with him and he would sort of try and follow suit. And, you know, he didn't have too much of a thought around how we were going to parent them from the beginning. And now as they've got a bit older, he's definitely got, you know, different, we have different perspectives on it, which is a good thing, right? Because it not I'm not saying that how I've done things is necessarily the right way.
00:27:03
Speaker
and actually has to get older they need different things so it is good but obviously at that point like you say actually sometimes we clash or there's you know often for me it's like you know things from how I was brought up or those kind of things and same with him and like we clash in those sort of things which we didn't necessarily I didn't expect from you know we've been together a long time before we had kids so just that sort of perspective shift on actually we disagree on quite a few things and it's deciding when those things are core enough to you know maybe try and rectify or disagree to that we just disagree on those things but as as parents you can't need to be on the same page and work as a team so think of this are they small things or big things?
00:27:43
Speaker
Um me I would say like some of them are generally we agree it's just a few tweaks that we're making and we're doing them together and it's good to sort of get each other to see the perspective shift but yeah it's kind of I'd say smaller things, but yeah, like you say ground rules are certain just general things we agree on.
Evolving Relationship Roles
00:28:03
Speaker
It's just the little ways in which we do it. I'd say it's probably yeah more the differences. And also it's about how your role as a parent and your role is in the relationship. I did dynamic. Like I said, like my, initially I went into this, I was very much stay at home mom. I was, you know, taking the full-time parent route. Our dynamic is now shifting in a way where
00:28:25
Speaker
you know, maybe we need to compromise more and in terms of his working hours and and the way our normal typical dynamic is, and our working week works now. yeah And that has caused a little bit of friction and change because it's a period of change. Like its yeah it's not what we've had for the last five years. Which in hindsight, I'm like, oh, actually I needed to do more of this from the beginning. So there was a more shared responsibility. So maybe you would have less clash. Maybe it'd be hard, to an easier thing to change.
00:28:54
Speaker
like But yeah, but that's for us as well. Things are changing, which I think will be for the better, if we can get it right. But it's a period of change where it creates friction.
00:29:06
Speaker
I think that's it. But like the key thing is that it is dynamic because the kids are growing and they have different needs once, you know, et cetera, et cetera. And like so, for example, we've been having an absolute nightmare with bedtimes. And actually, when I think back to it, I didn't necessarily agree with the way that Chris was doing bedtimes because he would just let them play. And I'm like, no, but they need ah you like a really key routine and blah, blah, blah.
00:29:35
Speaker
and instead of you know I think making a big thing about I was like I'm just going to do bedtimes just for the moment but that's because he's working really hard and he's really stressed with work yeah so I'm just gonna do that but I think what you're saying. Well it's about compromise right? It's about seeing actually okay this is maybe not forever but you need to do this at the moment yeah and to change things up to make them work better. yeah And I think one of the key things that people said in terms of maintaining relationship was about the communication.
00:30:06
Speaker
yeah and i think having that i know right communication is such a it's like yeah but how do you have this community at what point at what point could you have to choose your bottles as well and and there might be lots of like irritations that if you say those irritations then you know like you gotta choose your battles and one of our coaches actually and she suggested that is how you how you communicate your needs in that relationship in a way that they can hear you but also not adding on to them and not creating resentment if they don't hear you
00:30:41
Speaker
because that for me is a big thing. So I know that I can store up all this stuff and piece me off. Like you said, I try and let go of the little irritations, which is really hard. It's gonna build up. It builds up, then it builds resentment. And then, you know, especially if it's like, if the mental load isn't shared, then that just keeps building, building, building until you explode. And then you have an unhealthy conversation as a, but then my question is like, when do you find the time to have these conversations? you you You do it in amongst the madness and then you just explode about the housework. that's when that's when i do it oh yeah i see this is the thing i would just be constantly exploding i think because its i mean we just have no time to really communicate and we don't we have sort of said because we're finding a problem in terms of knowing things that are coming up and trying to for me to try and share the load a bit more that on a sunday evening we're gonna sit down we'll have the calendar and we'll go through what's going on for both of us that week
00:31:35
Speaker
where, you know, what pain points we've got um to try and share responsibility a little bit. I mean, we've done that all of one week. I will say. I like that idea. And other people suggest that. So, I mean, I'll let you know if, ah you know. Yeah, if that, you know, you've got to try these things. And do you have like a setting? I mean, that's that's another thing that's challenging for you also in a similar way.
00:32:00
Speaker
aim you know because Chris works long hours and you you have a different schedule. because we Well yeah he sees us so he has so we basically have our timings between you know like nine and ten in the morning say after the kids have gone to school but then I need to stop work yeah because he works the evenings we don't really have time in the evening to talk so it's like well when do you find and then at the end of the weekend the kids are there So when are you going to talk? I don't know. Do you ever talk? I mean that's why my number one word was just the teamwork because when we talk it's about practical stuff for the most part with occasional bits about Donald Trump.
00:32:44
Speaker
You're explaining a lot of your relationship right now.
00:32:49
Speaker
I know. Well, this is it, right? It's like, and then you get your two hours of the weekend that you get off to each other. And it's like, well, the last thing you want to do is chat about, have these hard conversations. That's exactly it. Like if we, you know, so on Saturday,
00:33:04
Speaker
like you know i have two three hours i'm like i'm really that's why going away was so good because all i want to do is just lie in bed and watch grand designs and have a little matter about it maybe that's what we'll do we'll just drive back home and put on the tv because sometimes i don't want to force myself to go you know sit in a restaurant and it just feels a bit more forced sometimes yeah that's it's true actually i know you mean like when you have this time it's always precious Yeah. And it's almost, you put pressure on yourself. Yeah. Like I'll have to have this magic moment in my magic two-way. Exactly. And you're absolutely freaking knackered. You put pressure on it. Now you might not be up for it. You just, you know, don't want to do it. And that's... And weren't you talking about lunch? And this is just lunch. I mean, we're all talking about dessert. I mean... And I will say...
00:33:56
Speaker
So something that did come up as part of this research was, was about, you know, the sort of sexual relationships that you have. I mean, I know. And it's like, how are you, how are you going to find the time for that? If you can't find the time to just have a chat and it's like forcing all of these things, make the expectations so high, then you're not in the same place when you do it. And then yeah I mean, we can have a whole discussion. That's a whole separate. relationship chat. Maybe we'll do it for Valentine's next year. oh like But it is, it's about sort of recognizing that is an important part of a relationship, when that whole thing changes. that I mean, that is a massive topic. But it's recognizing all these things are really key to making a relationship continue after you've had kids, when you just have no time. And yeah and that's what people say. It's just like making sure that you do find time to connect with each other, but also, interestingly,
00:34:50
Speaker
making sure that you have time for yourselves as an individually. So like so then you feel like when you do come together. To do what? I don't know. Like go and just have a bit of me time. Have a bit of me time. Okay, so that's important for a relationship. That's important for a relationship. Because I would say, I really agree with that, but I just want to talk about the meeting because I definitely like to have my own Yeah, well you're ticking that box and then if you can bring that to the table and then if Chris has had some me time, when you come together you can connect on things that bring you joy or bring you, because you know what it's like, you lose, like you really do lose your identity when you come inherent. No matter how much you try not to, I think pretty much anyone we speak to has that sort of a little bit of identity loss and it's like unless you're doing things for yourself that tick your boxes,
00:35:39
Speaker
then it makes it hard for you to feel like you. And then you can't feel like you, when you come into a conversation and having those hard conversations that you need to have with a partner and, you know, or even just, you know, it's like me, like we get into bed and I'm peed off that he hasn't done the washing or something. And the last thing you want to be doing is, or haven't had any time or whatever. The last thing you want to be doing is, you know, come on, let's have a quick, you know, just before we go sleep. Like that's not going to happen. So it's about like, I've got an analogy in my head and it's not fully formed, but I feel like there's a cup. You have to have your cup somewhat filled in order to then fill it with somebody else. Your husband will fill your cup.
00:36:30
Speaker
That's not where I meant to go. No, no. But you have to, you have to come up and be, you know, you have to be yourself again. can't just be a shell of a person, basically. Because if you come into a conversation with your partner and you feel a bit of a shell, you feel resentful, you feel like you haven't had any time, now even the sleepers that we have changed up this year, and it's made a big difference like he has.
00:36:52
Speaker
a morning, and I have a morning at the weekends where, you know, we'll take it in turns to have a lay-in. And somebody else said that, and that was, for me, that's been quite key, because I feel like, okay, I know I'm going to have a bit of rest. When I come up on that day, I'll have a little bit more to give to you yeah as a partner, and I can take over the load with the kids. And, you know, there's that kind of shared respect that you both need a little bit of time for yourself. So now ah so did did anybody else give any more tips?
00:37:17
Speaker
on how to do this. they The main things were just
Maintaining Relationships During Parenting
00:37:21
Speaker
carving out times. And interestingly, quite a few people have talked about this daytime date thing. So either on a Friday, if they both don't mind on a Friday, or at the weekend if you can get babysitter, or even people take annual leave for a day when the kids are at school so they can have a day date, which is great. I think does day that's a great idea.
00:37:42
Speaker
The only problem is obviously Anilie was so scared. So limited you need to use theityity right priority might using it for But this is the point, right? it's like Sometimes you do just have to prioritise them. And you have to prioritise the relationship.
00:37:56
Speaker
I mean, I was listening to something was only going to be very vague because I can't remember exactly what it was. But but she she said, like, you know, in in the prioritization, like you've got your partner work, kids, blah, blah, blah, relationship could should come above everything else. And that was that was her opinion. Because then if you, you know, it's it's all just going to fall apart if you don't. Yeah so that's interesting so I do agree with that to an extent because I think there are certain phases of our lives with kids when they are younger you know but less you know younger than the age of five or even ten or I do think there's
00:38:36
Speaker
almost like it should be a shared acknowledgement that the relationship bit is going to become second. But then it's, I guess it becomes a problem if after that point, yeah then you still don't want to reignite that relationship. I reckon that's going to be the third wave.
00:38:53
Speaker
So the first wave wave of breakups when you're in your mid 20s and you're with that person from school and you're or uni and you're like, OK, no, we're not going to get married. We're going to break up. And the second wave is now like when the kids are, you know, like growing up a little bit and you're like, oh, you know, that's really hard because, you know, there is it. There is a second wave. We're seeing it. And then the third wave, I reckon that's it. Is it going to be empty nester? way not Interesting. Maybe they do say if you can avoid it.
00:39:23
Speaker
the bit when your kids are really young is actually like the worst time to you know split up and and separate because it is just a really hard point in your life and the and the matter how hard it is if you can just get through that bit there is a sort of a better place coming almost and there'll be time for you to reconnect. So, you know, but also really hard because if there is fundamentally something wrong, which, you know, yourself, there if there is, then is that a good time before the kids, while while they're young? Well, this is it. And this is right. And it's kind of like, okay, when's the best time to separate them? Is it, you know, in the midst of it all? But like you say,
00:40:05
Speaker
I think it's that thing where you know, you have to then just have that work with your partner or whatever by yourself or therapy or whatever, but to figure out whether it's a fundamental issue with your relationship or whether it's just that you're going through really hard stuff. And I guess only you can figure that out. And I and i i don't know, for me, I'm definitely realizing that actually, yeah, like it is very circumstantial, like at the moment, it's very tricky because we have young kids. yeah like And we generally do like each other. The foundations are strong-ish. Like, you know, it's... Strong-ish. Strong-ish. Kind of fun. It's fun in my house. The foundations are strong-ish. So yeah, I think it's a really hard thing. I don't think you can't advise anybody that you only know yourself if it's a relationship worth fighting for. A hundred percent. And gritting your teeth and gritting and baring it. You are the only person who
00:40:59
Speaker
who knows everything that goes on. and yeah And even your other person, that's what they said. like e You can't expect you other you know your partner to fill up your cup or to be anything. the And to even change them. I heard something earlier that was like,
00:41:12
Speaker
You know, you can't expect people to change because if you think about changing something for yourself and how hard that is, then it's quite foolish to try and ask someone else to change, right? Because you have to have the motivation, all this stuff, so yeah trying to get your partner to change, especially in this tricky bit. Eh, it's, but I, I hold my hands up. Like, you know, there's been, you know, change would be nice in some areas, but yeah I think it's different if it's like a personal change or a care what, you need to start doing more.
00:41:38
Speaker
more washing yeah kind of change yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah so anyway on a happy note should we wrap up this chat it has been really interesting to hear you know to to hear everyone's words in particular and what they do because Yeah, I think I definitely take for granted that people are in the same position, but clearly obviously everyone has their own set of circumstances and it's, you know, we're all just chugging along. That's it, and I think, yeah, I think if we can only take something away that it's, it is bloody hard, and I guess it's a way you look at it as a couple, and yeah, I mean, hats off if you're managing to make her find the silver linings and the positive spin on it.
00:42:26
Speaker
I think that's a really great thing to go to do. But if if you can't, then yeah, I get it. Yeah, we we we do get it. Yeah. Well, maybe we should do another one where it's a bit more lighthearted or, you know, about the other areas of the relationship. Oh my God. dude i am i'm I'm a little lady from Ireland. I can't be talking about that now. What are you talking about? I love it.
00:42:51
Speaker
We've got some great experts in our audience. I think we should definitely talk more about that. That would be really, really interesting though, wouldn't it? I know. That would be fun. Let us know if you want to hear more. Alright loves, well thanks for listening and we will see you in the next club chat. Alright chatty things. Bye. Bye.