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Club Chat: Identity
156 Plays4 months ago
In this Club Chat, we talk about part of our story which so many of our community resonate with: the loss, the change, the reform of our identity after having children. We share our own stories of identity loss, how it changed and ways in which we can get it back again.
If you want to join us in our next Club Chat, join our community on Instagram @fivehourclub.
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Transcript
Introduction and Event Recap
00:00:09
Speaker
Hi, I'm Amy. And I'm Emma. And this is the 5-Hour Club Podcast, where we navigate life between the school runs.
00:00:19
Speaker
Hello, hello. How are you? I'm good, thank you. So, I feel like I'm still running on energy from last week's event with working families up in London.
Impact of Event on Family Dynamics
00:00:30
Speaker
It was so nice, wasn't it, to be invited out of the house, have a good reason and an event to celebrate. And, I mean, I'm not going to lie, though. the few days afterwards I was absolutely knackered I don't know how people do it every day commuting to their office because just one day in it took me i think about two days to recover I know I was exactly the same and I'm so like how do you feel bad saying this and I know so many my friends like you know do commute um but I'm yeah very very grateful um that we do work you know mostly remotely um it was absolutely incredible and it was so amazing to meet you know like really fantastic people in person but it literally took me like days to recover I've
00:01:19
Speaker
I know,
Reflections on Work-Life Balance
00:01:20
Speaker
right? And I think it's because we're not used to it in this house. So it was a lot of prep beforehand. So i was like prepping stuff beforehand and, you know, making sure that we had all the pickup logistics sorted out and all of those things.
00:01:30
Speaker
And it, but it was in that way, it was a really good thing. It sort of forced, so that was the first time that I had to rely on my husband to do the pickups after school and do the after school club and the dinner and all that kind of thing.
00:01:41
Speaker
I did the morning bit, but he did that bit and it was really nice to be able to do that, because that has not been our dynamic. So actually, that was a good chance for us to force that. and And actually, he really enjoyed it, I think, you know, being able to spend that bit of time with him after school, which he doesn't normally get to do. So yes, for me, it was a really good thing, only just, you know, meeting everybody, but also...
00:02:05
Speaker
realizing that I can go and do things too. Like, you know, in terms of working things, it was really nice put on a suit and go and, you know, I mean, not wear the loafers because I'm a trainer's girl, but other than that, it was just really nice to get out of the house, get on the train, and enjoy some time and actually come back for bedtime like I was looking forward to coming back and it was really nice able to then and really have more energy to do bedtime than I normally do was like I don't mind snuggling up with you right now this is really nice I mean I did lie there on my son's floor for about an hour just staring into space after he was asleep but it was it was just nice to shake things up a bit get out of the house meet some new people um yeah even though was exhausting but it feels good
00:02:49
Speaker
Yeah, it does. it's it's It's a win-win, isn't it? And it's really nice that now you know that you can do it again and that Joe is absolutely fine and, you know, and he enjoyed doing that. And um it's it's all new and exciting, um but you've done it once, so maybe next time we won't be as tired.
00:03:10
Speaker
This is true, right? Maybe that is true. Yeah. And it's scary that it has taken us almost five years to get to that point, which I hold my hands up to say that was a mistake. Like if I had gone back to work earlier, then maybe we wouldn't have this. It wouldn't be such a big deal, but it felt, you know, it would have like a big deal, but you know, it doesn't have to be next time.
Exploring Identity Post-Motherhood
00:03:28
Speaker
you know invite me to an event I'll be there I'm excited there you go she's open she's ready to go and I will say it's you know it's it's not necessarily a mistake it's just ah that that was the set of circumstances that you had and therefore you adapted to it and now where you're in a new chapter and you're ready to um network and meet people and go to events off you go Amy
00:03:57
Speaker
Right, shall we get into today's club chat, which is another big one for me, actually. I'm quite excited about this. It is all around identity, which we decided we'd do after our most recent...
00:04:14
Speaker
guest pod with one of our parents who this idea around sort losing your identity came up and we thought actually for both of us particularly me this has been quite a big piece of our sort of motherhood journey I guess so I'm really excited to talk about this.
00:04:35
Speaker
So first question then that I ask was do you think identity has changed since having kids now I'm gonna can you guess the percentage i said yes I I mean my guess is a hundred percent that would be my guess 100%. You know what? I thought it was going to be 100% as well. Interestingly, because I said ah the options were definitely not really, not sure yet. So there was 3% that said not sure yet.
00:05:03
Speaker
So maybe they're sort in the beginning parts of their parenthood.
Understanding Matrescence
00:05:08
Speaker
Then you have 3% who said not really. And I was like, interesting one. because So, I mean, these don't add up, but 95% said that, yes, absolutely, their identity changed, which I would expect, right? Like, how can your identity not change ever?
00:05:22
Speaker
from having kids. Like it is just such a massive shift in who you were before to who you are now. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's pretty much matching with my expectations. It like of all of the things that I've been through in life.
00:05:39
Speaker
It's the most i identity changing, like shifter, you know. Does that make any sense? It does. No, it's massive right? Because you know what you say? Like you go through these phases, you know, as you grow up and you go through adolescence and, you know, you figure out who you are an adult. And then, you know, your early 20s, whatever, before you've had kids, you're like figuring out who you are as a person.
00:06:00
Speaker
But I do think this... shift when you become a caring you know from going to being basically completely selfish to then having to think 100 of the time almost about something somebody else some people else um it's huge it's just such a shift you know your whole world changes what you're doing the day before you know to the day after it's just massive and there is actually there's ah word for this em which i think you already know but it's something that's
00:06:31
Speaker
becoming more popular and more known about and some people might not know about which is this term called matricence so sort of similar to adolescence it's that process in which you become a mother so that for me when I heard about that I was like ah that is it because I always sort of When I first became my mum, I sort of didn't realise that, you know, things had changed really. And then i sort of started to think about, oh, I feel like, you know, I'm changing, things are different. I remember there was this time, the first time that I went out without, it would be Nate, without him...
00:07:07
Speaker
I went into London and i just I wanted everybody to know that I was a mum but I didn't have him with me now normally I'd be there my leggings my bag of t-shirt and i looked like absolute shit but there was a reason for it they could see I had a newborn but when I didn't have him there i was like nobody knows my mum and that always felt like a huge part of my identity and I wanted to remember thinking I want you know one of those jumpers that said mama or you know like And I didn't really, but I did. I wanted people to know that i was a mum and that was the reason I looked like shit.
00:07:36
Speaker
But also, you know, I had, I remember changing my phone background to a photo of him so that if somebody accidentally saw my phone, they could see, oh, I'm a parent now, I'm a mum.
00:07:47
Speaker
And I almost excused why I looked like that. And it was just a really weird realisation that actually... I didn't really felt like myself or who I was before without them there.
00:08:01
Speaker
But when they weren't there, I was still that thing. was still their mom. And ah it was, a yeah, I felt a bit of a shock. So yeah, this word, matrescence. So it was coined 1973. um in nineteen seventy three But it hasn't become popular only until now, and it was only added to the dictionary in 2019.
Personal Identity Challenges
00:08:21
Speaker
So this sort of idea around the change, you know, your sort of physical, hormonal, financial, spiritual change that happens within you when you become a parent, and that's not even if you birth your kid, it you know, if you and adopt or you know have children and other means, it's that process in which you become somebody else for other people so I really like that because I think it does sort of uh highlight that there is a change that happens and how you're feeling might you know be have a reason for it I guess yeah like when I found out first about this word mattresses it was so incredibly validating
00:09:05
Speaker
because we do go through this massive identity shift, hormonal shift. you know So it's it's not just psychologically we are changing because our identity is changing.
00:09:17
Speaker
Actually, it's biological. And what's really interesting is that we set our children up and we are set up you know to some to some extent back when we were being adolescents. And you learn about puberty, you learn about the hormones, you learn about all that stuff.
00:09:33
Speaker
But you don't learn about that side of motherhood. You don't realize you are going to change biologically, physiologically, mentally.
00:09:44
Speaker
And all of these combinations of these things come together along with this tiny human that you're caring for. um i um i when I first came across the maturals, I was like, oh my God, this makes so much sense. Like I feel...
00:09:58
Speaker
so validated that that this is all happening and and that it does take a long time to recover and actually are we ever going to be the person that we were before kids we might see little glimpses as you know of it if we're maybe at a silent disco and we're dancing away but we probably are not necessarily going to ever be that person before you know, maybe that's a good thing for in my my case.
00:10:25
Speaker
But, oh, I could so relate to what you're saying. Like, i i you know, very rarely do i obviously if I'm at work things or whatever, I don't have the kids, but if I'm on this school playground even and I don't have my youngest with me and I'm waiting for my oldest, I feel like, I feel lost. I'm like, this is this is very odd. not having a ah child to, you know, to look at or run around. And am I completely relate to needing that t-shirt and be like, i i I'm a mum. You know, I look like this because I'm a mum.
00:10:58
Speaker
It's so, so true. You just feel lost almost without them. But then it's like, Actually, once you figure out your identity again, you don't need them there and sort of the the physical presence.
00:11:09
Speaker
It's about figuring out how you then shape your new identity that isn't just about, you know, being the mum, right? So asked our community then, how did your identity change?
Career Versus Parenthood
00:11:22
Speaker
And I'm going to put that to you first, Em. How do you feel like your identity changed from having kids?
00:11:29
Speaker
Oh my God, like so much because the problem is, it's not a problem, but it's not just even you changing identity and dealing with this new person. You don't realise that like things are going to be brought up from the past. And so you've got all of these things that you're dealing with.
00:11:47
Speaker
So I would say for me personally, it was like a double whammy because I also had an identity change in my career as a teacher. And as you know, as a teacher, it's a vocation and you very much identify I am teacher. like it not just It's not just a ah job like that is who you are to your core.
00:12:10
Speaker
So in or around the same time that I was becoming a mother, i was like, I'm not identifying as a teacher anymore. And I'm becoming a mother. The identity change.
00:12:20
Speaker
And also at the same time for me, very personally, i had lost my mother when I became a mother just at that time. So it was this really complex thing of it wasn't even just an identity of becoming a mother. i was like, what is motherhood?
00:12:38
Speaker
ah You know, so it was. really yeah obviously a challenging time um but also like yeah like losing the people in my life you know versus become a mother 100% hands down become mother was the most transformative and I'd say in a in a in a very positive way as well and on a very practical level like I just became better ah you know like juggling things you know so on ah on on so you've got so many different layers so on a practical level I changed and I became you know quite good at juggling things and on an identity level I think I and probably also really realized like what are my absolute core values as well um so and what I mean by that is I don't want to be spending my time cleaning the house
00:13:33
Speaker
But you know what I I really, especially ah when I, you know, my second child came round, I realized our our time is so, so precious.
00:13:46
Speaker
And to lower expectations in the nicest way possible. And what I mean by lower expectations is by lowering expectations in terms of my housework. So I would rather play with the children or you know, rather than have an absolute like show, show home.
00:14:06
Speaker
i'm So, yeah, I don't really know what I'm trying to say. um I think I'm just, there are so many layers in which I felt like my identity changed. And I think at my very lowest And I think because it was like a combination of returning back to work, realizing, oh, no, I don't want to be a teacher. Then I had that. Then I had, you know, my youngest who was very ill and I took the year off when they were one in three.
00:14:31
Speaker
That was incredibly challenging. And for me, that was the most challenging in terms of identity. And I'll tell you about I had a I had ah an existential crisis walking down the Tesco aisle.
00:14:45
Speaker
And I think it was around the third time i had been to Tesco's that week. and And they must have been one and three at the time, which in my opinion is the most challenging age. Like it's just, you know, trying to trying to navigate like two boys in supermarket at that age.
00:15:02
Speaker
But that wasn't the problem. The problem was I was trying to decide what to have for dinner again. And I was like, I i can't do this. I cannot just think, oh, here we go, spaghetti bolognese for the millions times in row.
00:15:16
Speaker
We've been to, task you know, this is an activity getting out to Tesco's. And my husband is the head of department at his university. And I'm trying to decide on making spaghetti bolognese again.
00:15:28
Speaker
i honestly, I felt like i was going to have nervous yeah a really, mean, you know, there were lots of positives that I gained in terms of identity.
00:15:41
Speaker
But 100%, I had a massive knock of confidence and I definitely forgot my prior self. Now, I will say i also forgot my prior self because I was a teacher and it wasn't the right career for me.
00:15:55
Speaker
But I really genuinely forgot I got all of these skills. I did all of these things. And I just forgot it because you're just trying to survive in the moment what to make for dinner.
Community Insights on Identity Shift
00:16:11
Speaker
and make sure your house is not too much of a shit tip. And how are you not supposed to lose your identity in in all of that? So really it was a case of me going back to work. That's when like reggrain that's when I regained my identity.
00:16:26
Speaker
That was a very long-winded answer. Thanks for the therapy session, Amy. You're welcome. What about you? What about you? i'm going to go throw that back at you.
00:16:39
Speaker
yeah yeah You made some really interesting points and actually pretty much everything you said came up from our community as well. So we had kind of like the the more positive side with that change where it was like I'm more compassionate now. You know, I don't waste any minute.
00:16:55
Speaker
You know, i work has become less of a priority or less irrelevant and you know some of them said that's partly by choice they're partly by burnout or redundancy and so you know they went from being career obsessed and always been out and been always on time to actually losing their confidence like you said and you know having lack of career confidence you know losing body confidence all of those things that kind of feels like they almost drain away don't they and so then there was quite this sort of negative aspect of the identity shift that lot of people felt that they don't know who they are anymore. They have definitely like a less sense of self.
00:17:33
Speaker
One parent, and I love this because I know how this feels, she said she just became Alice's mum. She felt like she'd no one actually spoke her own name for a good few years.
00:17:44
Speaker
And you're right. you know You go to these play groups and or you you know you meet your the parents from nursery and you're like, oh, that's BlaBla's mum. That's another mum. And you even put them on your phone as somebody else's mum.
00:17:55
Speaker
And you so you your identity becomes that person's mum. And you're so right. It's like, you're not just that person's mum. You have a name as well. And think about all the, you always remember the kids' names, right, at the playgroup.
00:18:07
Speaker
But you it's really hard. You almost don't remember the parents, the mum's names. And you're like, I always really try to consciously make an effort to remember their names because I know how that feels. You know, how you know and you feel awful. You're couple of weeks down the line. You're like, oh, don't actually know your name.
00:18:22
Speaker
But that's the most important thing, right? You're there to connect with these other women, other parents. Those are the ones you should be sort of holding on But you don't. You get you sort of get lost
Work, Values, and Identity
00:18:31
Speaker
in the background. And I remember really feeling like this, like, I'm um just that mum.
00:18:36
Speaker
And then somebody else said that, you know, would stare into the mirror and almost her old self would stare back at her, but she didn't recognise that new person in the mirror.
00:18:47
Speaker
And when I was going through the photos yesterday for the club chat, I definitely felt that it was this sort of feeling of, It was, it happened after had my second, not necessarily in my first, because I kind I think I just leaned into the first and then COVID and all of that stuff.
00:19:01
Speaker
kind So it was kind of like, okay, i was happy sort of being a mum in that first bit. But then the second came along and I, you know, there was a lot of other stuff going on lot of anxiety and, you know, postnatal stuff and, and exhaustion obviously with two. And I look back on all those photos and I, I really didn't recognize myself. It was, was like, who is this, who is this person? I could see,
00:19:23
Speaker
almost hair her pain and fear and her loss of self, you know even the smiley ones didn't feel like me. um And maybe it's because I feel different now. But then it made me question. I was like, did other people notice this change? Did other people notice that I was going through this?
00:19:40
Speaker
And then also that sort of question around, well, what does make your identity then, right? Because like you said, like actually work for you before kids made who you were, that was very much your identity. I'm a teacher and sort of, you can leave it that, that right. When you've got a career like that, but what, what does make your identity and for lot of people work does. And I think that's why when they become a parent and they don't work or, you know, they haven't returned back to their former career, then it, you know, based the question of what are you then with that work?
00:20:11
Speaker
Are you just a mom? And one of our coaches, Laura, Mindful Generation, she actually said what you said. It's like, it's all based around values. You know, if you think about your identity based on values as opposed to things that you do, then maybe that helps you shape it in a way which then becomes different when you become a mother, right? Your values change. Like you said, like, it was about spending the time with the kids, not doing the housework. You know, what was important? What are the priorities here?
00:20:37
Speaker
as opposed to the things that you're doing that make you who you are. So I quite like that because I was like, yeah, that's true, right? It's not about your job, you being a parent. It's about what you believe in.
00:20:49
Speaker
So that might help maybe some of those who are still going through this sort of change. And actually, i think we continually go through this change. I don't think it's that you get to a point and you're like, oh, okay, figured out who I am again now. It's like, no, no, like you kind of,
00:21:06
Speaker
it's a gradual takes time there might be moments where you sort of market and you're like okay I noticed when I really recognize myself again or I really became somebody else again or you know my new identity but I think for the minute even when you find out you're pregnant you whole thing shifts and it takes a really long time and process to get to sort of a new you so yeah so that's how sort of I guess, yeah, that sort of feeling, there's a lot of positive, there's a lot of negative in how our identity changes.
00:21:39
Speaker
But it's the fact that we all change. It's very hard to not change. And interestingly, there is the so there is a word for the so the that sort dad side of things, so patrescent.
00:21:49
Speaker
So it's, you know, the idea that actually men go through this as well. And, you know, yeah, I think that's quite interesting. Yeah, I was literally just thinking about this in that I think we know that a lot of mothers changed you know their identity blah blah blah and and because of matrescence um I was literally just thinking about Chris I'm gonna ask Chris like how he felt like did his identity change and also in terms of like because our I can only talk for my set of circumstances but my set of circumstances
00:22:26
Speaker
completely changed after I had kids, partially also because I did look at those values and realize, well, hang on, that's not going to work for me in terms of my career.
00:22:38
Speaker
And I think my time, I realized I really, really value my time and my time with them and to have a bit of both.
Fatherhood and Identity Changes
00:22:46
Speaker
i'm But actually, in terms of his career, he's pretty much stayed in the same boat and he's been promoted. So, he you know, he's gone back full time. He's been promoted.
00:22:55
Speaker
So I would love to know, oh, we have to ask the dads. Like, do you know how much they feel like their identity has changed? That would be really interesting, wouldn't it? It really would actually. say I will guess that Joe would say has. I can see that. I can see he's a very different man to who he was before. And although he's very much still career driven and it's so still the priority, I think i even just spending the time with him last week and realising, you know, that sort of being part of their lives in that way, i could see that he got so much from that. I could see that actually he was almost, he was proud that he's,
00:23:32
Speaker
able to be around in that way and wants to be more and I can see that maybe maybe it's mainly now that he's starting to make that shift it didn't necessarily happen straight at the beginning for him but I'm going to ask him that is a that is a question for the dads out there anyone listening let us know if your identity has changed um but I believe it does it's gonna be right like it's a massive thing for everybody no matter how much you ignore it
00:24:03
Speaker
Right, so the next question we asked was, at what point did you find your identity again and how did you find it? Which suggests that, you know, you you find it's you open a door, you're like, there it is.
00:24:17
Speaker
am, I was missing for the last five years and I'm welcome back in my life. and But no. Along with my old jeans. Yeah, exactly.
00:24:28
Speaker
Where else would we be with so that old identity? Emma. Good question. and and So, yeah, so, and a lot of our community said that actually it's taken a really long time to feel like they're figuring it out again. So we've had five years, 10 years, 15 years, you know, four years in, somebody had it as their 2025 goal to figure out who they are again, which I was like, good for you. Like, honestly, because
00:24:59
Speaker
Sometimes you do have to be a bit intentional about this, right? Because otherwise you kind of get lost and you kind of invisible and everybody else's priorities and and yeah become more important and their needs. So unless you actually take the time to go, oh hang on a minute, who am I?
00:25:16
Speaker
And I think actually you you can forget yourself almost. So what about you, Emma? At what point do you think you realise sort of a newish identity?
00:25:28
Speaker
Yeah, well, it's got to be the last year, hasn't it? and Because, yeah, it was 100%. So in in terms of the timeline, had that year off with the boys and started my new career.
00:25:43
Speaker
and it was it was, yeah, I'd say at that point, starting the new career, because it was regaining my confidence in that I
Career Change as Identity Restoration
00:25:54
Speaker
do have these skills. And I have got these skills like pre-teaching,
00:25:57
Speaker
Um, yeah, I'd say going back to the career. So that would be what last year. So yeah, don't know, four, four years into, into parenting. Um, but for me, it's very career linked because I think there was, you know, I remember like even texting my friend when I was, um, I think my oldest must've been like weeks old. And I was like, I don't know if I'll ever go back to work.
00:26:25
Speaker
And I think sometimes we do go through that of like, what do we want? What, you know, what's going to work for us? And, and it did take me a long time to work out what was right for me. And, and I think I finally found, you know, what worked for me and the last year and the rollercoaster and Fiverr Club and all of this kind of stuff.
00:26:44
Speaker
Yeah. It was going back to work in a career and, you know, all of this business that, that,
00:26:55
Speaker
work for me what about you when did you feel like you regained your identity have you regained your identity who are you Who the fuck am Great question.
00:27:08
Speaker
Who evil are you? Therapy session number two. Yeah. it No, but you all know that, you might know that this basically all kicked off because I had had a bit of an identity crisis, right? It was that question.
00:27:23
Speaker
I literally put my hands up to say I did. And it was when my elders started school and... other parents other mums would say to me at the gates and not you know meaning in any um you know wrong way but you know what do you do was like what the fuck do I do I'm a fucking mum like and and what else do you want me to do I I do do want to do these other things but it's impossible for me to go back and actually have any sort career I don't know how the fuck you're doing it but yes what I do right now I am a mum and that did not feel good enough in all honesty it felt that
00:27:58
Speaker
And maybe that was my own feelings of I knew that I wanted more than that. and I was at the point where I was ready to go back to work, but I hadn't figured that out yet. And I didn't feel like saying that I was just a mom was okay.
00:28:11
Speaker
And that was, you know, nobody was questioning that, but that was my own feelings. And that's when it sort of sparked this thing of, okay, well... what can I do about it then? How am I going to go back to work? How can I also say that I'm also this thing? And I'm also, I also work this, you know, I wanted to be able to talk about a career, but my career had disintegrated into almost a bit.
00:28:31
Speaker
So was like okay, so how do I get there? And that's where this kind of thing kicked off because I was like, well, I want to be able to say I'm more than just a mum, but I have no idea how. And yeah, the rest is history, I guess. But it for me, it was that sort of marker, that point where I felt like my identity was being questioned and, you know, just being a parent wasn't enough.
00:28:57
Speaker
And so, but I have spent, I intentionally from that sort of moment really considered what, I could do to make me feel like me again. And and I didn't know whether it was going back to work or, you know, retraining or whatever it was. It took me probably that, you know, that good first bit school year to sort of question it. And as some of you might not know, Emma kindly gave me a coaching session on her birthday this time last year in March, where I sort of gave her all of my options of what I could do with my life going forward and how I could be, you know, me.
Purpose and Friendship in Identity
00:29:33
Speaker
um one of which was, you know, go and be a with psychologist, carry on that career, or, you know, lean into parenting and do my beach school because I didn't know if I could do anything else. And, or, you know, figure out Five Hour Club and see if anybody else felt like we do. And that's where it all kind of started, which is craziness. It hasn't even been a year yet.
00:29:53
Speaker
and And so, yeah, so that, I remember being, so just feeling like, I mean, the fact that it was your birthday, you were such a good friend to sort of give me this time to really hear out all of these feelings that I felt, this sort of not even knowing in which direction I wanted to go because none of them necessarily...
00:30:13
Speaker
They weren't tangible. They didn't feel quite right or whatever it was. It just, yeah, I hadn't figured it out yet. I still haven't figured it out, but I have spent this last, I guess, thanks to what we've been doing, right. It's kind of has given me a bit more of a purpose now.
00:30:27
Speaker
You know, we have something to, i have, you know, a job essentially, ah very low paying job, but we have something to work on. okay And and And sort of, I guess, part of this and of being able to, you know, share and do what we do has given me much more of a sense of self, given me the confidence to move forward and think about who I am and how want to do things and actually things that i love. And I think that some of our community said that too. It's about finding something that you love if you can. You know, your career priorities and ambitions do change. And if you can find something where it really drives you, and you know, you can...
00:31:06
Speaker
find the purpose to get up and work every day then you know your time is limited now so it's a case of finding something that works for you and and somebody else said that you know when your kids are less dependent on you it becomes a little bit easier to figure that out right so then you can try different things and I remember doing this too so she said she now she's founded local sea swim group and she does yoga and runs but because I she doesn't need to go back to her kids so much now and I'm sort did the same like I spent you know, when the kids could go off with the dad, I went and did some pottery classes or, you know, I went and tried some rowing and I tried all these sort of different hobbies and things to see what was sort of bringing me joy now, because i think yeah that's important too, right? It's not just about work, but it's finding out things that you enjoy outside of the home, away from your family, um that sort of just bring you a little bit of yourself again and sort of use, you know, if you're creative, use that creative brain or if you're,
00:32:04
Speaker
athletic go and run a marathon like whatever it is it's about trying these things and being intentional about it I think if you can but it's hard right when they're young it's really hard time to do yeah it it it is so hard and especially when so much of it kind of at the end of the day has to be realistic like well I have to work in this particular job you know because I have to earn the money you know um etc etc and But I'd like to to just go back, you said a word there and i was it's such an important word. And I think that really kind of is at the center. Maybe what gives us the identity is the purpose, because you can have purpose as a stay at home mother, but it needs to give you that sense of purpose.
00:32:47
Speaker
um And i really saw that like, ah you know, the truth is I asked you that question about identity, but I did know the answer. And I, because I could, I could see that shift within you.
00:32:58
Speaker
And, and, you know, when we're at that, point of where we do feel a little bit lost and we're looking for that sense of purpose and we absolutely get that by being mothers and there's nothing wrong by saying we need we we still have that drive we still have that ambition but we still have that sense of purpose and you wanted and I think what was really key of all the things that you wanted to do is you wanted to help other people which is so admirable and that's at the heart of like your purpose
00:33:29
Speaker
and what you want to do. um So thanks for having your identity crisis. And... Thanks for helping me through it. Because without you, we would all be here today.
00:33:44
Speaker
No bother, no bother. I do think that's a good point though, right? I think sometimes when you feel a little bit lost, you can feel like maybe us gets it or you feel invisible. And I remember really feeling...
00:33:54
Speaker
And I was saying this, I of you. felt really proud of you, but I felt jealous um of what I could see you were, this transition you had made. And I really wanted that too. I could see how, you know, happy you were and how confident you'd become and how much you were absolutely loving your career change and what it was given to your family. And I really wanted that too.
00:34:15
Speaker
And I almost felt like I couldn't share that with you because it felt negative, but it wasn't. It was like, how do I get that? How do I, and if if we hadn't spoken, about it, then yeah, i don't think we would be here now. But I think sometimes opening up to people around you and just saying, I haven't i have no f freaking idea who I am or what I'm doing right now, you know, not even can you help me, but it's just about, you know, talking through how you're feeling and what sort of, what does spark your interest and what, you know, what brings you joy and all of those things and purpose or whatever it is.
00:34:51
Speaker
And talking through those things really helps, really helped me anyway. So if you have got somebody out there or if you're feeling like this and you're looking back in the mirror and you're thinking, the fuck am I? Go and find a friend and see if they can help you figure it out too. Or just like go for a walk and have a chat because they probably sometimes won't know who you are more than you realize.
00:35:11
Speaker
aye e So true. Get them to give you coaching sessions. Everybody needs a friend who's a coach, right? But it's so true. Like your friend sometimes does, can see it a bit more clearer because they're not in the depths of of it.
Steps to Reconnect with Identity
00:35:32
Speaker
and And they can see like when you were going through those, it's just funny because it literally read this time last year, but when we were going through your various different options about what kind of what you had in mind,
00:35:44
Speaker
like five hour club was the obvious option. Like that was like, what really gave you the sense of purpose and what you really want to do. And when you were talking about the other things, it was like, oh, well, you know, ah that that could be an option. and And it was just so obvious that five hour club was the thing I think the problem with Fiverr Club was just such a massive thing it was a massive thing and it wasn't at that point it was nothing right so it was like well how do we create a thing what do we do about this thing that we know the idea so it wasn't tangible in any way it was kind of a
00:36:18
Speaker
And I guess i i had done this before. I had, you know, I'd had a small business in between and so ah didn't want it just to be something that kept me busy. Like it really had to be something that really brought through all that purpose. And it was, I wanted to make it work as a career and a business and a you know, a way to work again. Like it had to, I wanted my own five hour work day. Like it just was a thing, but it wasn't,
00:36:43
Speaker
it wasn't a thing at the time so it wasn't so just it was yeah just felt very untangible um and I think that's what it is right you have these ambitions but it's like you right you went through your career change and I guess when you first started yeah you you sort of did stepping stones to how do you got there it wasn't like you know the next day you then applied to and know a new career and you got the job you had to build up you know and I could see your confidence grow as you were going there. And, you know, when you did get the job, realizing how much experience you have over, you know, other graduates who hadn't necessarily worked for this long, all of that stuff added in, but it was a ah gradual process. It didn't happen overnight.
00:37:23
Speaker
And I think you kind of have to accept that, right? It's not a one day you're going wake up and figure yourself out again. Yeah. that is such a good point. You're, you're, you're exactly right. It's, you're not going to just wake up one day and find yourself in the closet, find yourself in the closet again.
00:37:42
Speaker
it very you know, I remember like even the gradual stepping stones of like doing that bootcamp, the data science bootcamp and be like, oh yeah, I can, I can do this. You know, I can, I can work in tech and blah, blah, blah. And then I was a consultant and I was like, oh yeah, I, you know, I feel like a consultant and,
00:37:57
Speaker
and setting up, you know, all of these different things. I was like, Oh, yeah, I forgot I'm a scientist. I mean, you know, like, so all of these, all of these little like, Oh, yes, I remember. that I can do it.
00:38:09
Speaker
i'm Well, that's right. And that's a good point, isn't it? It's like almost my remembering pieces of your previous self that you love or you're really good at or yeah and you almost forget about them either by exhaustion or just that you haven't had to use that skill in a little while, but they're still in there. And in fact, they're probably better than they were before, right?
00:38:29
Speaker
A hundred percent. And what you need to draw those out, and it kind links into what you were saying earlier, you need people... positive people around you to gi draw those things out and I had you i had my amazing manager when I started like to bring out and remember those bits because I think if you don't have those people around you then it can it will take you longer or it might be challenging to do that as well
00:39:00
Speaker
That's a very good point.
Hope and Encouragement for Parents
00:39:01
Speaker
Well, I think if nothing else, maybe we've realized a little bit more about our own identities through this club chat. But hopefully we've ah given others a little bit of hope that you are out there somewhere.
00:39:16
Speaker
Even if you don't feel it right now, you are out in the midst of the parenting life and you will find yourself again at some point. Yeah. and And even just recognizing it's okay.
00:39:27
Speaker
Yeah, if you like, it's it's a chapter, isn't it? Like, and if you are in the midst of that parenting where it's survival mode, but that's what it is, you know, and and that is your right your identity is survival mode and and and knowing that you will come back to it and you will get there. But it's um its a process.
00:39:47
Speaker
Well, that's it, right? It's it's a bit like you're being a caterpillar and you're in the trenches and, you know, you're, then you go, I do remember when we grew the butterflies, when I look at this beautiful butterfly afterwards and I was like, that's what I feel like.
00:39:59
Speaker
I feel like now I can fly I can be this butterfly again. But I think sometimes you almost have to go into this cocoon for a couple of years when you you know you no don't put makeup on, you wear your leggings, do whatever that you didn't necessarily do before.
00:40:13
Speaker
And at some point you will become a butterfly again you will fly free and you'll figure out who the fuck you are. So on that note,
00:40:25
Speaker
be a butterfly. You will be a butterfly ah on that note. Shall we leave it there? Yeah, i think I think we'll leave the butterfly analogy there. It was beautiful. beautiful. it beautiful But yeah, no, great shot. Great therapy session. Thank you very much. And we'll talk to you soon. All right. See you for the next therapy. All right. Take care.
00:40:47
Speaker
Bye-bye. bye