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Episode 5: A Simple Guide To Making An Omelette
42 Plays1 month ago
Which is worse: having your heartbroken on a field trip or having to smuggle robotic gear down your pants? I bet the gang splits that vote.
This is a fully improvised TTRPG campaign where we test the limits on how much flexibility our players can have.
Starring:
Tucker Dally Johnston as 'Alfie Towers'
Ivana Mendez as 'Chad Brewers'
Nate Valentine as 'Janet JC. Cromwell'
Paul Emrich as 'Game Master'.
Music provided by 'Rebel Kicks'.
Email us at BeatOurQuest@Gmail.com or find us on most social media @BeatOurQuest.
Join our Discord at: https://discord.gg/3GAJ8NPvvF
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Beat Our Quest'
00:00:02
Speaker
ah
00:00:10
Speaker
This is Beat Our Quest, an improvised comedy role-playing podcast using the Kids on Bikes system. And even though you can't see us, we are all wearing our helmets.
Character Introductions
00:00:23
Speaker
Ivana Maria Mendez-Babon as Chad Boers. Tucker Dally Johnston as Alfie Towers. Nate Valentine as Janet Cromwell.
Recap and New Adventures
00:00:36
Speaker
Last time on beat our quest, uh, our new jock of the month, Alfie towers joined the, uh, silver Ridge football team, uh, to great success. We're not quite sure what position he's going to play. Probably not de defense. No.
00:00:53
Speaker
But otherwise, ah the three kids and their friend Jackie Swunch visited the WellView Research Laboratory on a field trip there. They met Martha Alaska, and then they explored around after they snuck away when their teacher, Mr. Edwards Hands, ah managed to score an interview.
Discovery and Conflict
00:01:10
Speaker
ah The party split up, which is always safe and healthy. Chad and Janet went off to the... The various power sources where they found an object that looks like it might hold Omelette, who he's now been come to be known as him. Don't know why i genderized the object. Is he gendered?
00:01:29
Speaker
It, it, Omelette. ah Alfie, on the other hand, went with Jackie Swunch. Ooh. where they discovered a meteor that had probably been the one that killed the dinosaurs, ah smashed into the planet and also intercepted some kind of a space object that seems to be impacted where the WellView Research Laboratory was built.
00:01:51
Speaker
While marveling at this, Alfie was unfortunately knocked out by some sort of an electrical pulse ah that Jackie Swunch released into him. Still the most romantic date I've ever been on.
Sneaky Plans
00:02:02
Speaker
So hot. ah So we're going to pick that up now ah with Janet and Chad discussing the best way to sneak this.
00:02:13
Speaker
i don't know what you want to you guys go to have to name it. Sneak this power, this battery out of the building. Janet, I'll let you have that honor of naming it. Well, it's Sama Holder. That's the name that makes sense.
00:02:25
Speaker
So first draft, best draft. Yeah, I mean, we don't we don't really know what it does yet, but is it is it secure in your pants? It's secure in my pants. I wear a cup for my practices and for my games every day. It's right there where the cup would be, and it's ready to go.
00:02:41
Speaker
I could fall on it. It'll protect me. We're good. I really really wish I didn't know ah that specifically where it was. But I think we're good to go. Let's get back in the hall and I guess try to get back to our bikes. Okay. Do we want to interrupt Alfie? Do we want to let him keep a having his private moments with Jackie?
00:03:03
Speaker
Goodness. Just saying her name makes me uncomfortable. Yeah, you really took a dislike to her. Yeah. yeah I guess we should probably try to go meet up with them, huh?
Caught in the Act
00:03:15
Speaker
If we can find them on the way out, but I don't know which direction they went. I'm so conflicted. want him to grow, man, but... but That witch that he's with. Witch.
00:03:25
Speaker
Witch. ah Fine. Let's go get him. Let's go get him. We're going have to check all the rooms, I guess. Going knocking. Are you guys cautiously sneaking out? Are you guys going to hurriedly sneak out? What's your plan?
00:03:40
Speaker
Cautiously. Cautiously. Then I need you guys to roll a flight of eight. A flight of eight? Uh, let's say six again. I think I said six was your sneak around number. Uh, Chad, you should have to roll higher, though. You are carrying a metal thing in your pants. It's a cup.
00:03:55
Speaker
Well, I rolled a four. I rolled a a one plus my one that I have added to flight. It's two. neither have you rolled under a five.
Charming Escape
00:04:04
Speaker
So as you guys are opening the door, it's back into the main hallway.
00:04:09
Speaker
ah You see Jackie Swunch in her big old combat boots disappearing ah down the hall, probably with Alfie off in the distance. As you guys are about to go chasing after them.
00:04:20
Speaker
ah Using your best instincts, one of you calls out for her and immediately covers your mouth and realizing that you guys are sneaking. And a pair of individuals in lab coats turn around the corner.
00:04:31
Speaker
What do you guys want to do Engage or not engage. Engage or not engage, Janet. Don't just remember we're here. We're here for a school field trip. We're supposed to be here. Right. And, and, uh, you know, I'm going to stand Ramrod straight and just walk past him. Exactly. Like you own the place. While one of them is carrying a clipboard and looking over information and she doesn't notice anything.
00:04:52
Speaker
Uh, the other one double books and looking and goes, excuse me, are you two kids supposed to be back here? Yeah, we're sorry. We just got turned around. We're on a school field trip with Mr. Edwards hands.
00:05:05
Speaker
Could you just point us back in the direction of the main lobby? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Of course. He goes, what? How did you even get back here? You would have had to. Who sent you back here? Oh, I don't i I can't even remember. I just we took like two left turns and then I don't know.
00:05:19
Speaker
He leans over, looks across at Chad. High five. He gives him a high five. Jesus Christ.
Comical Diversion
00:05:25
Speaker
You're going to have to make a ah a charm roll of eight. Wait, to haven't finished. Does he give him a high five back?
00:05:31
Speaker
No, he doesn't give you a high five back. Low five. He stands there. In the middle. the One of the clipboards slowly starts extending out his hand. The other one pulls it back. Just right.
00:05:45
Speaker
No one can resist the in the middle. All right, a charm roll? Yeah, a charm roll of eight. the one god damn great the guy is going to uh grab your hand uh and start pulling you down the hallway and saying like i don't know how you guys got back here uh lisa would you get the other woman please uh and the woman with a clipboard looks back and uh comes and grabs janet's hand and they start pulling you guys uh back down into the entryway chad is gonna resist
00:06:16
Speaker
No, you're not pulling. Yeah, excuse me. You don't have to pull me around like a child where I asked you how to get out of here. We're leaving. Chad, can you make... Are you resisting? You do not touch these magic hands and wrists, which are part of the hand.
00:06:34
Speaker
Great. Can you make a ah fight roll? Yes, I can. My fight roll is going to be... one oh You rolled a one. rolled three once in row. Wow. Worst luck.
00:06:50
Speaker
You pull your hand and you just immediately slip. um You fall to the ground. And when you hit the ground, you met out of clang. Ow, my cup.
00:07:01
Speaker
Oh, no.
Dreams and Realizations
00:07:05
Speaker
Alfie. Hey. You're unconscious. Great, great place to be. So we're going to... You're fading into black. Yeah.
00:07:13
Speaker
You're having a romantic dream date. Yeah. Of Jackie Swanch and you together. Where... ah Where are, where have you taken Jackie Swunch on this date as a high school boy? Where do you think, where does he envision is the most beautiful and like, this is it, this is the perfect.
00:07:33
Speaker
Well, based on what we just seen, um we are in the opening of, in my mind, which I can't say. We are in the opening of ah ah prehistoric fields.
00:07:47
Speaker
yeah And we're standing out looking at all the brontosaurus ah that are there. And there's a picnic blanket set up.
00:07:59
Speaker
and I just envision is the gender reversal of you're looking in the map and she grabs your head and turns it to pivot to look at the dinosaurs as the... 100%. Yeah.
00:08:10
Speaker
You're in this field and you see the like these huge dinosaurs um cut to you driving your little like kid-friendly buggy because you know you can't like drive yet. You're not able to, but you're in some kind of like a go-kart. Even in my fantasy where I am where i am a hot doctor who likes to take his shirt off and lie on tables, I'm i'm still aware that I do not have a legal license.
00:08:34
Speaker
So you're driving along, you get to the research facility, you see this room with a bunch of computers in it, and you're like, oh my god, this is what we need! And she's like, Alfie, Alfie, that's the research desk.
00:08:46
Speaker
Go check it out. Of course, my love. A swanch by any other name would smell as sweet. Oh, Alfred. Alfred! And you you get to the computer desk, and immediately ah you see ah Johnny Mellon shows up, and he does the ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah, and you smell like that um ionizing of air, like when lightning strikes, that kind of weird metallic scent, and you fall unconscious, and you look to see her walking away with Johnny Mellon's.
00:09:16
Speaker
ah And you fade back into consciousness. Yeah. got a little bit of blood coming from your head as you wake up and you're on the linoleum floor. ah Oh, I'm sorry.
00:09:30
Speaker
Does anyone have any paper towels? I made a mess. Hello? were or Jackie? Can you roll a grit roll of four? ah That's a three. Oh, no Alfie, you have wet yourself. But this does happen when people have been knocked unconscious and electrocuted in some sort of a way. Yeah, I feel like that's the most reasonable Alfie-ism today. It's like you were hit by a stun gun or something. And you're you're piecing this together and you see the little like hologram thing of the tell ah the the planet and you you slowly come together and you realize the last thing you heard was Jackie Swanch apologizing to you and knocking you unconscious.
00:10:08
Speaker
I'm going to, I want answers. I'm going to throw open the door and see if I can chase after. I don't know how long it's been, but I'm, I'm basically, he's got no, he's not thinking about the sneaking or what we were here for. He's just thinking about Jackie right now.
00:10:25
Speaker
So. Jackie. You, you pull up the door. You see, there's you, it's basically a life left and a right to the left. You hear voices and the right is an empty, uh, empty hallway. What do you want to do?
00:10:37
Speaker
Do the voices sound like Jackie at all? No. Right empty. I want to go right empty first. You run towards the silent hallway away from the voices that you hear, and you eventually make your way. There's two rooms.
Secrets Unveiled
00:10:52
Speaker
ah There's a room that says containment units, and there's a room that says autonomous division. Are there any windows in these doors at all? No, these are sealed metallic. These actually look like the most buckled down compared to even some of the last ones that you were in.
00:11:07
Speaker
I guess I'm gonna try to open the nearest one to me. they're They're both left-right side. It's gonna be equidistant. Oh, sorry, left-right. Great. Uh, left. Fuck it. Now I say left. Okay, great.
00:11:18
Speaker
Uh, you enter the room, uh, that says containment units. ah you You open the door. You see this huge cylindrical tube.
00:11:29
Speaker
ah Inside, you see this person kind of suspended in some kind of a green gelatin-like fluid. He's got a mask covering his body, and he's but he's large and muscular. In the corner of the room, you see a lab worker kind of cowering and hiding to try to keep distance.
00:11:47
Speaker
And at the front, you see Jackie Swunch. working at a computer monitor in front of this thing. And now we're going to move back to Chad and Janet. Fuck! Because I don't like when you guys feel comfortable. His cuts are crazy. Chad, you just fell and hit your penis. I hurt my cup.
00:12:05
Speaker
this is why you This is why you wear a big metal cup every day. Right, boys? Janet, what are you going to do to conceal this moment that Chad has might have just completely given away everything? i'm gonna ah I'm going to drop my backpack on the ground. Okay. And try to...
00:12:21
Speaker
try to I guess create a commotion and or make it seem like the noise could be backpacks or I don't know just just throw some chaos into this situation to to prevent the worst thing from happening which is them finding the omelet holder great I'm gonna make you do a omelet holder such a crazy phrase it's it's really not it's called a plate guys look it up yeah
00:12:46
Speaker
I'm going to let you make brawn roll of six to try to basically throw your backpack and try to make as much noise to conceal it. Brawn roll of six. Uh-oh. Okay, let's go.
00:12:57
Speaker
My brawn die is a d6. Did you take your dice for failing all those rolls earlier, too? You've taken some adversity tokens already this week. Oh, I did not. oh I failed what? I failed... The sneak, and yeah I think you failed... Ivana failed a few things.
00:13:12
Speaker
I think it was just that for you. Just that for me. I have a bunch I can give you roll with d6. Oh, interestingly, that doesn't actually that was a one. I can get... How much do you need?
00:13:25
Speaker
i would i I would need... i have and i have failed so many that... Well, I can't use that one proactively. I can get myself to i can get you to... What what he what does he need again?
00:13:36
Speaker
Six? A six. I need two more. Here, I got you. My failures from the past, yes. Just dumping all of the adversity
Family and Conflict
00:13:45
Speaker
tokens she gained for the last, like, 30 minutes. Well, no, I have a one-to-one ratio exchange. Oh! But out. Oh, that's right. you that's a What is what is that ability? I call it Chad the Giving Tree, but that's not the name of it.
00:14:00
Speaker
That's a phenomenal answer and does not answer my question. What is it called in the game? Loyal. loyal that's cool okay so i pass so you you you have this moment of like uh it's like that scene in the hangover where like all the like numbers are flying over your head and you're calculating and you look over and you whip your backpack and it does two things it collides with a fire extinguisher nice on the wall and it hooks on the side of it and kind of releases the little valve and it just goes like flying off down the hallway your backpack is attached to it wait my markers oh
00:14:34
Speaker
So your backpack goes down the hallway and that's enough to conceal the clunk noise as Chad fell on the ground. I forget what that person's voice was. Oh God, I think it was that. What are you kids doing? Something like that. but What the hell was that? And he whips his head around and he sees the fire extinguisher going down the hallway.
00:14:48
Speaker
My bag. I got to get my backpack before we leave, ma'am. He hit me. He hit me. He's a child. Let's get my lawyers on the phone.
00:14:58
Speaker
Janet, let's get my lawyers on the phone. He hit me. Yeah, we're minors. Yeah, well, you hit me. You hit me with your hands. I saw you hit him. There's two of us. There's two of us. There's a two person here. Yeah, but one of you wears glasses.
00:15:16
Speaker
And one of you hit a kid. Exactly. I'm going to get my bag and we are going to leave. How about that? Yeah. Call it even. No, no. You two are going to stay here. I'm going to call Miss Alaska, who's going to escort you guys off the perimeter. I cannot believe. And then um in all the frantic chaos.
00:15:33
Speaker
ah There's like a little like siren. It just starts going off a little bit too. in the Somewhere in the distance, like an emergency clacks and it's hard to recognize what it is. The woman who had the clipboard is totally stressed out. She has no idea what she's going to do.
00:15:47
Speaker
She looks around. She goes, maybe we just let them come up to the front like they're kids. they going to possibly do? Everything's locked up. Uh-oh, it's the children hitter alarm. It's the children hitter alarm. Uh-oh, uh-oh.
00:16:00
Speaker
There's no such thing as a child hitting alarm. You're being... I'm going to take this one, and he points at Janet, to get her bag. You are going to wait here, mister, and he points at Chad.
00:16:12
Speaker
Janet, is that okay? Janet, is that okay? Yeah, yeah, that's fine. And I'm going to kind of nod at Chad and give him a little, a sly little wink, like just in case an opportunity arises.
00:16:25
Speaker
Okay. To get out of here. All right, I'll stay right here. I mean, my bag, how far away my bag go? 10 feet? it's not It's like, you know, cartoonishly shooting down the hall and down a corner, but it's not that far. So you're walking with this gentleman.
00:16:38
Speaker
And he's like begrudgingly looking at things. They're like, i don't even know why you're here. There's no, we don't give tours to children. i have no idea what this is about. We signed in with Miss Alaska. So you can take it up with her, sir.
00:16:50
Speaker
I don't know what to tell you. I will be taking it up with Miss Alaska. And eventually he's like slides over a bunch of the anti-farm. fire fluids and stuff like that and he grabs your bag which has covered it and he hands it over to you is this all your stuff yep thank you i'm gonna kind of snatch it out of his hand great he doesn't he escorts you all uh chad were you doing anything yeah i was uh with a small sharpie that i always keep in my pocket i was writing at the bottom of the wall chad was here it's very small very What are you even doing? Nothing. Did you let him do that? You've been standing. We're friends now. All right, let's move.
00:17:24
Speaker
And he he's about to take your hand to pull you along. And as soon as he's about to get his hand on you, he like picks his best interest. goes, you walk in front of us, please. I can do that. And we're going to cut to Alfie in the room with Jackie.
00:17:37
Speaker
ah Jackie is furiously typing away at the keyboard and she does not even seem to have heard you come in. Jackie. Alfie, what are you?
00:17:48
Speaker
Leave, Alfie. I... I peed. Opening with that famous Alfie confidence. What's... What's going on, Jackie? She looks up. Eventually, at some point in time, as she's typing in the figure inside of the fluid. His eyes burst open. No! And he looks down at you. What is that? And and he scans over the two of and goes, Children.
00:18:11
Speaker
Release me. Jackie. Jackie, what's going on? Jackie, please tell me that that this is all just some weird fever dream and I'm still just... I i blacked out because because we held hands and it was nice and that's the only reason that I lost time, okay?
00:18:28
Speaker
Just tell me that that's the truth. ah Make a charm roll of six.
00:18:34
Speaker
Two. Um... Jackie Swanch ah turns and looks and goes, I was acting, Alfie. I needed to use you guys to help get me in here.
00:18:46
Speaker
Why? I'm trying to release my dad. And she goes back to working. Is that your dad? ah The guy in the corner, who goes by the name of Theodore Plorb.
00:18:57
Speaker
Theodore! Tries to get up and make a move to stop Jackie. And she swings and strikes him in the chest, surprisingly harder than you would have expected from a girl her size.
00:19:08
Speaker
What? um And he goes careening into wall. We gotta stop her. We gotta stop. That's Mitch. That's fucking Meatball's voice. I got a couple of, um I'm running out of voices, guys. I have so many like main character voices. I'm like running out.
00:19:22
Speaker
Accents. Accents. Yeah.
Strength and Surprise
00:19:24
Speaker
Accents feel like insulting in a weird way. Like I'm not going to make him like French. We have to stop her. No, I think you have do one. I am Theodore Plorbe. Oh, Theodore Plorbe is very hard to say.
00:19:39
Speaker
Well, I don't know what's going on, but that thing seems very scary. Jackie, please just stop and we can talk about this. ah we We can go back to... We can go we can go to Girly Swirlies and we can we can talk about what's happening over ice cream or something.
00:19:55
Speaker
You know, Jackie, just put to put your fingers down from the keyboard, please. I need her to make a brains roll. This so heartbreaking.
00:20:06
Speaker
Uh, she has to keep working at the keyboard. she's She hasn't finished whatever she's working on, but you do see, like, little bits of steam kind of coming out of the vents of the tubes, as though, like, little release valves are coming undone. Mr. French Scientist, man, I need you to tell me right now that you're not a bad guy and that this isn't some sort of weird imprisonment thing right now.
00:20:28
Speaker
Go, five, four, three, two, one. ah And he's like, he's kind of coming together. we've We found this thing while we were doing some... so my God, this is going to be the day I have to kill this character.
00:20:44
Speaker
ah We discovered this creature when we were excavating inside of the ah the area. We believe him to have been put in some kind of a prison capsule that we have been keeping sustained since we un buried him. how Does he seem dangerous?
00:21:03
Speaker
Yeah, that's why he's in some sort of prison capsule. No? Great. Then not knowing what to do, but knowing that you should not make rash decisions in the heat of the moment.
00:21:16
Speaker
And there's a lot of alarm klaxons going around and everyone's pants are wet right now. Tensions are high. Everyone's. So Alfie, trying to use his new found football skills, is going to tackle Jackie Swunch away from the keyboard.
00:21:34
Speaker
Wow. ah That's going to be a brawn roll. man. I made a mistake. Dude, if if Chad were here to see you right now. My man getting some action.
00:21:45
Speaker
the proudest The proudest boy in the world. Thank you. Proudest young in the And you're rolling against her. i won't tell you what she rolled. She rolled 53. Hold on. I rolled a four on my charm. Oh, no.
00:21:59
Speaker
Charm roll. No, brawn roll. Yeah. I rolled a four on my brawn, which is i exploded on that. So let me roll again. Oh. And then I rolled a three. So that is a seven. What did you say I had to get?
00:22:13
Speaker
Jackie Swunch. Yeah. rolled a one. Oh my gosh. o So you tackle her to the ground. She, you've never really like lifted Jackie and you, when you hit her, she has a lot more density than you would have expected from a girl her size. Maybe it's the boots or something like that.
00:22:33
Speaker
And she hits the ground hard. Listen, i already feel really bad about attacking a girl. I'm not going to mention her density to her. Fuck.
00:22:44
Speaker
um but ah She hits the ground and you look over. There's a cut on her mouth and she is bleeding purple. sorry. um It's a it's a distinctly different color blood coming out of the corner of her mouth as she wipes it aside.
00:23:00
Speaker
Theodore Plorb is going to rush to try to leave the room. Okay, I'm gonna, I don't care about him at all. I am now currently on top of the girl who had a crush moments ago, trying very hard not to touch her with my wet pants. Oh, no, please.
00:23:20
Speaker
I'm looking. no You did this to me. You don't get to say, uh. You did. You rolled badly. ah And he's going to look down. He's going to be confused about the purple blood, but then he's also going to see her lips and kind of pause in confusion like, uh, do I kiss her?
00:23:51
Speaker
Alphie, I need you to roll a grit roll. A grit roll? Yeah. That is a seven. There's this moment where you're both making like long eye contact with one another and you see you you you feel like that intense Mr. and Mrs. Smith kind of energy as two people are fighting in that moment.
Chaos and Escape
00:24:09
Speaker
And then she kicks you right in the franken beans. she She rolled a 12. So that's to knock you off and you roll off of her. We're going cut to Janet and Chad being escorted out the front.
00:24:23
Speaker
um to a mr edwards hands and martha alaska in a heated and angry discussion at the front door um and she's like i don't know why you thought it would be appropriate to bring a bunch of children in here and let them roam around and i don't know what made you think that this was some kind of a job interview look i'm gonna be honest i'm desperate here i'll desperate do you need a new janitor do you need anything we don't need anything and if you're going to bring an individual like yourselves who's going to bring in scoundrels and ruffians and you look over and you see chad chad what are you doing as she gestures out and says scoundrels and ruffians so you know when there's a hallway and you put both your hands on the walls like the opposite walls and like both your feet as well and you're like trying to spider-man through the hallway that in your tuxedo of course in my tuxedo ah
00:25:20
Speaker
on the bright side the tuxedo is still on yeah and martha alaska looks and goes why are there only two of you where are the where where there were four of you kids what do you mean what well what do you mean what do i mean you came here where there was a girl right there she's right there that's janet hi there was an angry blue haired girl and a boy with very dry pants
00:25:46
Speaker
Preemptive shots fired. um You know, ma'am, I don't know what to tell you. We're here for a school field trip. And if you let kids get lost in your building, then maybe you should reconsider the way you guys run security around here. That's true.
00:26:02
Speaker
Maybe you need to hire a new security person. And then I'm going to wink at the teacher.
00:26:10
Speaker
Yeah, you know, i've um I can beat up children if you were looking, if that's what a security person would need to do. Yeah, actually, Miss Alaska, two of your employees were pretty rough handed with Chad.
00:26:23
Speaker
And we're going to leave and we're not going to say anything. But maybe you guys should consider that there might be a potential lawsuit because I saw one of your two employees punch Chad.
00:26:34
Speaker
So that's true. I was punched. You don't have to be sassing us and giving us a hard time. we were just here for a skilled field trip. You signed us in. We had a terrible time, and we'll tell all of our friends, and we're going to leave now. Upon hearing that a child had been hit, she whips her head at Benjamin, who was the guy that grabbed and goes, Benjamin.
00:26:54
Speaker
You hit another child in this building? How many times do we have to go over this? i didn't I didn't do anything. ah The three of you, Janet, Chad, and Edward's hands, meet outside of the building, and Edward's hands is rubbing his temples and being like, oh my god, I turned in my two weeks' notice. I was feeling so confident. I was feeling so confident, kids. Of course he fucking did.
00:27:18
Speaker
ah Wait, where are the other two? What do you mean? What?
00:27:25
Speaker
Alfie, you're rolling on the ground. Oh, God. You look up, and Jackie has gotten back up to the computer system and is furiously typing in more things. What are you going to do? Jackie, why are you so strong?
00:27:37
Speaker
And why are your beautiful lips purple? Alfie, I really appreciate how kind you've been to me. It's been really hard for a very long time. I'm so
00:27:55
Speaker
I came to rescue my dad. I didn't come here to make a boyfriend. Is your dad the big scary thing in the in the tube? My dad has been a prisoner for thousands of years.
00:28:08
Speaker
And I finally found him. And he deserves to be freed. I don't know how I feel about that. Um... ah Okay, and this feels wrong somehow, but i don't I don't, I don't know. I really wish Chad and Janet were here, because there's got to be a better way than this.
00:28:28
Speaker
I don't know what's going on. i don't know who I can trust. That guy died! i haven't killed anyone, Alfie. ah are you Are you part of the creepy guys with the smiles and the in the guns?
00:28:40
Speaker
My dad was captured by a police force, and I finally found him. when these people plugged him in. so, so you, what you're telling me right now is that you, Jackie Swanch, starting to, starting to click that that's not a real name. I got it. Um...
00:29:04
Speaker
Uh, uh, uh, your father is a, is a intergalactic criminal and, and you came here to bust him out and you thought that somehow the best way to do that was to go to a high school?
00:29:25
Speaker
Well, if you must know, I look young, so I can't get a job here. So once I figured out where my father was located, and made a home. And I've been living there, looking for some avenue to get into this building.
00:29:42
Speaker
If I'd come in alone, it would be suspicious. So I did what any researcher does when they study a foreign species. We try to blend in. That just meant I had to join a high school. What are you gonna do what are you going to do with him once you release him?
00:29:58
Speaker
Are we all gonna be your human meat slaves? Are you gonna eat us? Oh, God. Huh. yeah I knew that this goth idea was going to be good because I was feeling the darkness, but then you made me feel not darkness, and I was like, maybe I'm not.
00:30:15
Speaker
Maybe I'm not leaning towards that. But now, now I just feel this pit and this emptiness, and and you lied. And I think, I think you're just like my dad.
00:30:30
Speaker
So, I think... A tear rolls down his eye. I think I gotta stop you from doing that.
00:30:42
Speaker
And he's just gonna start screaming, Hey! Hey! In here, prison break! You do exactly that.
Reunion and Alien Encounter
00:30:51
Speaker
Eventually, Theodore Plor... What is this?
00:30:55
Speaker
Plor... Theodore... the Eventually, Theodore Plor must have gone to ah an alert system, and you hear the sirens are going off. Jackie is going to continue typing at the the console. I'm going to... Since there's not... I don't want to try to touch her again, because she can clearly just beat me at anything.
00:31:11
Speaker
ah I'm just going to try to yell random numbers and letters to distract her while she's typing. Oh, God. I'm going to have her roll with disadvantage then because that is very funny.
00:31:23
Speaker
now I rolled well. Sorry. that is That is very funny, but I rolled nine and an 11. um So she's sitting there typing away. And eventually you hear ah the the water levels start to lower. And you see the guy, once it gets past his eyes, his eyes kind of clear up. And he's like looking around. And then it goes below his mouth.
00:31:43
Speaker
And then it gets to his shoulders. Are going to stay there? I'm going to open the door and scream into the hallway, but I don't want to lose sight of them right Jackie has now basically completely ignored you. you you've You've checked out of her eyes. She's excited to basically see her father. Eventually, when it gets below his hands, he's able to wrench his hands free of any sort of ah containment bracers.
00:32:04
Speaker
And he pulls away the mask that's covering his mouth. ah He does look surprisingly human, except for his jawline is entirely metallic. It's like the lower part of his jaw had been replaced by some kind of ah robotic fixture. You see it's got little wirings and stuff that's attached to his neck.
00:32:21
Speaker
ah He looks down. but You hear him say, Daughter, I am so relieved that you managed to free me. That worm, Theodore, kept me here for too long.
00:32:35
Speaker
We're going to move back to the guys at the front. What do you mean? Ha ha like God, Chad, this has been like 20 minutes. My God, there was you. I have permission slips.
00:32:46
Speaker
There was a girl here named Jackie Swunch and a boy named Alfred Towers. Oh, yeah, you're right. You're right. That's true. That's right.
00:32:57
Speaker
Now, I'm not allowed back on the premises. Which of you can go in there and get him and her? Uh, I guess we, I guess we both can. Let's just go grab them. They're probably, they're probably, well, oh yeah, you know what? How about, I'll go grab them and Chad, you should probably bike straight home and I'm going to give Chad another, like, another kind of wink, hopefully communicating to uh,
00:33:25
Speaker
ah This man, this boy that, you know, take take the alma holder. Get home. Janet, I can do that, but I also feel bad leaving you alone. yeah,
00:33:46
Speaker
I guess I could. I can't leave a lady in distress. That's not what my father taught me. a lady now is she not a witch no not Jackie Janet he's talking about me Janet I understand that you think I should keep my homework safe but yes my homework should be kept safe but what if something happens to you how will I live with myself
00:34:22
Speaker
All right, let's just be quick. All right. Let's go. Classic Janet, Chad team up. All right, Mr. Scissorhands, see you on Monday. Sorry, the interview didn't go well. I don't think you're going to see me on Monday. I don't think they're going to let me back in that building the way I quit. You kids have a good life. And remember me the next time you build a volcano. with Oh my gosh.
00:34:40
Speaker
ah Chad's going grab one of his footballs from the basket in his bicycle. As you make your way to the exit, you see Martha Alaska, who's furiously yelling at Benjamin, the individual that you claim struck you.
00:34:55
Speaker
can we Can we kind of sneak around, not sneak, like work around the edge of their attention and try to just get past them? You would have to make an outrageous flight roll, since they're they're still on the lookout for you. ah Yeah, fuck it, let's try it.
00:35:11
Speaker
You'd both need to make a flight roll of 12. Like both of us, or... In total. Yes. you You both were just kicked out of here like two minutes ago. Like, the idea that you're like going to come right through the doors.
00:35:25
Speaker
It's bananas. I rolled a five. I rolled a nine. Okay, fine. You guys are immediately stopped. She goes, what are you two doing? Why are you here still? There's a fire outside. There's a fire? Outside.
00:35:39
Speaker
Well, somebody go get the fire extinguisher from the hall. Somebody runs and grabs the fire extinguisher. It's out. Runs back. brings gold We're out of fire extinguishers. What do we do? Which one of you started a fire? i don't know anything about how to start a fire.
00:35:53
Speaker
Look, there's... we We just need to get our friends who you left. You you know, the two kids who you've lost inside your compound? The lawsuits waiting to happen? We want to go get them and get out of your hair.
00:36:04
Speaker
Can we just go back and grab them? You didn't say that. You just told me that was just the two of you a little bit ago when I asked if there was any. And she looks at Chad and goes, you said you didn't even know how many more people you had with you.
00:36:16
Speaker
God. There's two more children left inside of this building. And a fire outside. yeah And and and an an alarm going off that it sounds like you should probably go attend to, huh, Miss Alaska? You hear eventually like coming on a P.O. system, it's security breach, security breach. and Why did I even let a bunch of children into this heavily secured scientific building?
00:36:36
Speaker
Okay, which... You two come with me. And she's going to look through security, grab a pair of handcuffs, handcuff one to Chad, and Chad to Janet, and Chad to her. Wait, hang on a second. Can react? don't want to handcuffed. Yeah, I don't want to get handcuffed either.
00:36:56
Speaker
I would like to, you know, draw away from this. or or which Okay, she said, like, if you're going to come into this facility with me, you are going to come attached to some kind. You have snuck away and tried to sneak in twice. You want to add a handcuffing children to you to the list of crimes what you guys have racked up this afternoon? Apparently there's a fire outside and I can't leave you there. So what am I supposed to do with you?
00:37:21
Speaker
Well, we could walk back unhandcuffed. I could float that idea out. Yeah, that seems to be a better idea than mine. We'll just stay right next to you. She sighs, rubs her temples.
00:37:35
Speaker
And this is weighing all the options and the legal ramifications. Nate, it's the 90s and it's that wonderful era of terrible legal consorts and people you can contact and being like, oh, if you need a blah, blah, blah, who do you call?
00:37:49
Speaker
Who is the go to Silver Ridge attorney at law? Oh, um, it's, uh, Martin Chive at eight seven seven threes through seven five Martin Wait, what you I don't know. It rhymes. He's got it he's got one of those jingles, you know? Tucker, what does he look like? Yeah,
00:38:13
Speaker
martin chive has a reverse combover so ah his entire ah top and Part of his head is completely bald, and he slicks his hair down his sides and around his back.
00:38:29
Speaker
ah Isn't that ponytail? thought we were going to describe a moa, and you just described, like, the worst hair cut.
00:38:37
Speaker
You know, think like the classic monk haircut, except it's really long and plastered down the side of his face. That's the image of the the like the campaign, the billboard of that man are flashing through Martha Alaska's head is Martin Chive being the representative for you guys suing her. And she's choosing, i goes all right, we're just going to go. You guys have to stay close to me. My God, if I catch you sneaking away, I'll kill you myself.
00:39:04
Speaker
ah You guys really have to cool with your threats towards high schoolers. Wow, she's coming with that Miss Arkansas winning confidence. Right.
00:39:14
Speaker
You know who didn't win? The runner-up didn't threaten murder. You guys are walking down the hall, and eventually you hear Alfie screaming. Help! Help! Prison break!
00:39:26
Speaker
Help! Chad, I need my captain! Your captain! your captain Yeah, going to immediately break and run from Miss Alaska towards Alphys' voice. You guys are are heading there, and eventually you see Alphys holding the door.
00:39:42
Speaker
ah You peek in when you see this in this individual who's draining from— it looks like a Bacta tank from Star Wars, that kind of thing. And he's eventually kind of starting to free himself. Martha Alaska is shocked to see something like this. She's never seen—didn't know about this kind of thing inside of the facility.
00:39:58
Speaker
ah She's like, oh my god! Kids! Run!
Regrouping at Janet's
00:40:01
Speaker
And she's trying to grab, like, trying to pull you guys with her to, like, double back and learn. You see Theodore Plorb running ah back with some kind of, like, a security baton to try to maybe block off the door.
00:40:12
Speaker
I wanted to ask what Theodore Plorb is saying while he's running. I'm gonna blow up by the revolution and the saviors of my people. Everyone, we get security. Mart the gas. Matterboards! Do you hear the scientists sing?
00:40:25
Speaker
Yes! And he's he's trying to basically like pull you guys out of the way and fortify. Alfie, do you guys move out of the way are you going to stay there?
00:40:36
Speaker
I'm going to stay there. ah You don't understand... That's a prisoner. And Jackie's not 14. She's actually a cougar. And she's gonna she's releasing her dad. And I don't know what they're going to do. She's super dense. I didn't want to mention it.
00:40:50
Speaker
Do you let the security guys pass you? are you trying to stop them? Oh, security guys pass me? Absolutely. Theodore Plora with some kind of like... electrified halberd very like 1700s French revolutionary weapons and they're trying to prod at that point time the thing has entirely drained ah the the the being has basically smashes through um the glass and everyone cowers to the side And he starts pushing his way forward.
00:41:19
Speaker
He grabs ah the halberd from Theodore, smashes it into his chest and turns to look at you guys holding the weapon and about to like holding it up like a javelin to throw it at somebody.
00:41:30
Speaker
I'm going grab Alfred by the hand and Chad by the hand and nope the fuck out and and just yank them and try to run. Let's get out of here, boys. Good idea. Yeah, I think that's we run. I think we run confidently. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. i don't know what else you want me to do. You guys run with Martha Alaska. You hear the havoc and chaos is the end of the guards. And we are behind. Well, she's running with you. Fine. This woman's such a drag.
00:42:02
Speaker
she's She's running alongside with you guys to leave the facility. ah You guys all make your way to the front. she makes it She's screaming as she gets to be careful, there's a fire out there! There's a fire! And kicks the door open and there's nothing. There's just Edward's hand sheepishly standing at the end of a bridge um to the entryway.
00:42:18
Speaker
ah She glares at Chad. but fire You guys all gather up at your bikes. Jackie Swunch's bike is still out there. um So you guys all get on your bikes.
00:42:30
Speaker
Chad, you put your football back in your basket. And you slowly start pedaling away. Alfie, you look back and you see Jackie Swunch's bike in that same color purple that now kind of evokes a discomforting alien experience in your stomach.
00:42:43
Speaker
As we're running, is does she have a basket or anything? Is there anything in that basket? Roll a flight roll. Of six. And this is to how quickly you're able to like run by and grab something with it.
00:42:58
Speaker
I rolled a two. I'm going to spend all four of my adversity tokens. Wow. ah you you are You look your way through and you see a couple sheets of paper.
00:43:09
Speaker
And you grab them. um And at the top, it's a printout from a website called an Atlas Adventure. That's ah there's a like a roadmap guide. Gotcha, okay.
00:43:22
Speaker
i Great use of those adversity tokens. To get you to a location that you recognize ah as a field um that is sort of distant, but not totally detached from the ah Wellview Research Lab.
00:43:41
Speaker
So it looks like it's like kind of down into a canyon road um area that's maybe not terribly far away from here, and looks like it might be even a connection to the mountain range. Great. um Stuff all that in my... ah driest pocket and oh yeah man yeah i know day five not no dry pants for alby title of episode no dry pants i would also like to clarify that i thought you were saying it was map quest oh sorry an atlas adventure to the museum or the to the research lab was like oh great what a
00:44:19
Speaker
to To clarify my comment, which makes no sense now. it it It looks like it's attached, but it's like a smaller path to take from there that's like really not that far away from here. Are you guys going back to Janet's house? Yeah.
Galactic Invitation
00:44:32
Speaker
Yes. Big time, for sure. Oh, yeah. Great. So you guys bike your way to Janet's house. Straightforward. ah You go into the house. your litter Your little sister's there. Jeannie waves at you. And she goes, hi. Ooh, are these the boys?
00:44:46
Speaker
Yep, we're going upstairs to my room. you know We can't talk right now. We can't even introduce... Nope. And she reaches her hand out. Hi, I'm Jeannie. And you are? Heartbroken. we gotta go, Jeannie. You mean push-up contest later. Yeah, I'm already storming up the stairs. Yeah.
00:45:03
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Deal. You're going down. No, you're going And she like gets right in the... Jack, we gotta go!
00:45:13
Speaker
Great, so when they come into my room, I'm going to slam the door shut and lock, I imagine, some teenage girl deadbolt I have there. Teenage girl deadbolt? Yeah, that's... It's actually, like, a brand what it is. Chad, can you pull down the omelet? Can you turn around?
00:45:28
Speaker
Oh, the omelet, not the omelet. um i mean Yes, yes, I can. I mean, both. Both, both. Well, then I need you to turn around, please. Thank you.
00:45:40
Speaker
Dale. Why? You can look, Alfie. And then Chad lowers his pants, grabs. chad ah Alfie turns around. Why is that an omelet holder? Takes that omelet holder.
00:45:55
Speaker
If we ever get merchandise, it's going to be a guy pulling a zipper down and just let me show you my omelet holder. Then Chad grabbs grabs, grabs omelet.
00:46:06
Speaker
Both are out. um Great. It doesn't take a lot of effort. Eventually, you plink it on down onto the metallic holder, omelet holder, and omelet goes down.
00:46:17
Speaker
ah You hear the beeping. gets a little more steady and controlled. Eventually, the top of the thing... o opens up and it kind of reshapes there's a little light like a diamond eye like crystal light at the very top of this thing is it's kind of got a flattened out platform as the tops of the egg unfold like a little hat the thing starts to slowly spin inside of it and as it spins you know that thing where like leds where it starts to spin and you see the like it can have like a yeah An image appears in it as it starts to speed up.
00:46:49
Speaker
So it starts to be like little LEDs start and eventually you see um a little LED face appears on this egg and it's kind of got this little hat and this crystal. um And it's like blinking its eyes slowly and staring at you.
00:47:02
Speaker
Yeah. Hello? oh Hello? Hello? Oh my god, I can talk. You can talk. No. Are you mimicking us?
00:47:14
Speaker
No, I'm reacting to the fact that you gross creatures can talk. Fascinating. Gross creatures. What the hell? Wait, gross creatures? Are you seeing me like I see myself?
00:47:27
Speaker
Yeah, you are that you're the most disgusting of them them all. I find that very offensive. Let's close it up. Close him up! Close him up! No, no, no, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Put my hand on Chad's shoulder and stop him.
00:47:40
Speaker
We're human beings. My name's Janet. What do you call yourself? Oh. Nice to meet you, Janet. I... Oh?
00:47:51
Speaker
I don't really have a name. I'm a system beacon for the Galactic Unity Division. Or as you would call it, the GUDs. We're a... an interdimensional police force. It's our job to protect and...
00:48:04
Speaker
help non-evolved species glu grow and reach a intellectual status that they're able to join the intergalactic community. And my job was sent to this planet a little while ago because we believe you guys have had a tier four intergalactic experience with some kind of alien being interacting with you. And it's my job to kind of prep you guys and welcome you guys to the new space community.
00:48:27
Speaker
Welcome. This is way more advanced than combat cyborgs. Takeshi's gonna flip when he hears about this on the message boards. but the Before I can invite you formally into the ah Galactic Collective, I need ah a quick DNA sample from each of you, and it pops out a little tiny um tray that has a little tiny... ah Pricker on the end of it. Wait a minute. We're we're kids. There's a big scary alien and another smaller, less scary, but kind of scary, but that kind of is attractive to me.
00:49:00
Speaker
ah Alien? Are you talking about me? Because I'm not attracted to you. ah I wasn't, but that's hurtful. um No, her her name is Jackie Swanch, although I think that might not be her actual name.
00:49:13
Speaker
We were just at a facility and she said she had to release her dad and then she kicked me in the narnards. Hmm. Checking my data records. Oh, no.
00:49:24
Speaker
We do have a Jackie Swunch. That's a real name? But if you're correct, then that... Yeah, isn't that weird? But if that's true, then that means you found her father, which means... And it's face drops. Even for a a digital robot, it becomes... ah It's very expressive to realize, like, oh, that's it's worried and panicked.
00:49:40
Speaker
And it's putting... Realistic thoughts are coming together. It goes... That's a problem. That's a problem. That's a problem. um um Can you all three give me a quick sample so that I can take you to the Galactic Bridge?
00:49:51
Speaker
And again, it like sets out these little tiny um arms for you guys to prick your fingertips on. You don't want the like the president to do that? Yeah, why not? Is that what you're telling us, Omelette? That's what I've been told to say. Chad's going to put his finger on it. Oh, God.
00:50:04
Speaker
Wait, Chad. Janet, do you have snacks? Chad, you put your finger on the on the the little flat platform for your finger. You feel a little... Prick on your finger and a beam of light. Zoof!
00:50:17
Speaker
Pulls you off into space. Oh, well, all right. Bye-bye. What the fuck? Where did Chad go? What did you do to Chad? What'd you do to my my football captain? I'm recently discovering team camaraderie.
00:50:28
Speaker
I sent him to the Galactic Bridge. It's what I've been ordered to do. If I had the persons who are here to be my representatives, Can you please put your finger or digit or whatever you'd like to refer to it as on the... Do you know... Did you... Dr. Justice?
00:50:40
Speaker
He's the one who gave you to us. I'm not sure who to trust right now or what's going on. This is so much information and it's just overwhelming. The only communication I have had with a human being besides yourselves is that with a Theodore Plorb.
00:50:51
Speaker
um He managed to sneak me out of the facility... to somebody by the name of Stuart Justice, but my battery levels were pretty low at that point. I'm not entirely sure.
Conclusion and Thanks
00:51:02
Speaker
Isn't Plorb the kid who was creepy fuck to me? No, Plorb... I think the scientist who sounded like um like that really romantic marmot, you know, he had that accent from that classic cartoon of Murmur the Marmot.
00:51:23
Speaker
Uh... ah We got to go get Chad back. So I touch it. Are there three different needles or is it one needle? We hope there's three. Ew. Yeah. Unsanitary. There has to be three. Yeah. I put i put my finger on the on the on the next cleanest needle.
00:51:41
Speaker
Another beacon of light pulls you up into space. And it's just you. Janet, you can do it. Janet. Oh my God, the impulse control. the impulse control. And I'm going to touch the last one to get to fucking save these boys.
00:51:54
Speaker
And you feel yourself pulled up in a blue beacon of light.
00:52:05
Speaker
think knew you in moment.
00:52:10
Speaker
Hey friends, you just made it to the end of episode 5. And we just want to remind you the moral of the story in case you didn't catch it. If a strange alien robot AI creature asks you for some of your blood and wants to take you to a second location, yeah you should probably go.
00:52:29
Speaker
Anyway, thank you so much for listening. We are having such a blast, and it's all because of you guys keeping this podcast alive. As always, I want to thank Rebel Kicks for their kick-ass, rebellious music. Fucking did it. Did it, guys.
00:52:46
Speaker
And I want to thank our game master, Paul Emrich. Some of us are going to be at Gen Con this year, and if you want to stop by and say hi and tell Paul that he needs to stop ah being so mean to us, you know, you should come do that.
00:53:02
Speaker
we're We're pretty nice. As always, if you've enjoyed this content so far, please leave a like or a review or just tell your grandma about it. This seems like it's up her alley.
00:53:13
Speaker
But the engagement really does drive it. And we just want to thank you again for hanging out with us while we turn this Scooby-Doo thing into a space opera. I don't know what we're doing. It's all improv, guys. I have no idea where we're going with any of this.
00:53:30
Speaker
Bye. Thanks.
00:53:34
Speaker
think knew mask.