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Episode 6: Kids On Bikes IN SPACE!
40 Plays30 days ago
Hold on to your pants- It's starting to feel like this whole podcast was Paul's fantasy to indulge in his favorite 90's TV shows, and if that's the case we're about to get Zords or Arsenio Hall.
This is a fully improvised TTRPG campaign where we test the limits on how much flexibility our players can have.
Starring:
Tucker Dally Johnston as 'Alfie Towers'
Ivana Mendez as 'Chad Brewers'
Nate Valentine as 'Janet JC. Cromwell'
Paul Emrich as 'Game Master'.
Music provided by 'Rebel Kicks'.
Email us at BeatOurQuest@Gmail.com or find us on most social media @BeatOurQuest.
Join our Discord at: https://discord.gg/3GAJ8NPvvF
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Transcript
Introduction to 'Beat Our Quest' Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
oh
00:00:10
Speaker
This is Beat Our Quest, an improvised comedy role-playing podcast using the Kids on Bikes system. And even though you can't see us, we are all wearing our helmets.
00:00:23
Speaker
Ivana Maria Mendez-Babรณn as Chad Moores. Tucker Dally Johnston as Alfie Towers. Nate Valentine as Janet Cromwell. Has this ever happened to you?
00:00:39
Speaker
And you hear him fighting. And then you hear a gunshot go off Oh, shit. That was not. That was not expected. Justice. I'm Martin Chive, the Silver Ridge Savior.
00:00:51
Speaker
Take it. Keep it safe. And don't trust anyone. Don't trust the fucking man. Well said, prof. But you know who you can trust? Martin Chive.
00:01:04
Speaker
Janet, we got to get in there. Yeah. as boldly hesitantly as he can take Jackie Swanch's hand in his hand. It's gonna be okay.
Martin Chive's Comedic Legal Adventures
00:01:11
Speaker
You promise? Yeah. And I can promise you that I can get you off of any charge, whether it's stealing. Maybe we can fit it in your backpack you have on the back of your tuxedo. Yeah. Indecent exposure. Or I can put it in my pants.
00:01:29
Speaker
Or maybe you got straight up electro-shocked by the girl you thought you loved. We can get you money for that. I'm really sorry, Alfie. And she stuns you and knocks you unconscious.
00:01:41
Speaker
do I didn't even get to know the rules of seven minutes in heaven. Oof, tough break, kid. But you know with a seven-minute phone call to me, Martin Chive, you'll be in heaven because of the amount of moolah that I can get you.
00:01:58
Speaker
Have you been wrongfully assaulted by scientists in a power position over you as a teenager? He's a child hitter. He hit me. Have your pants been wet for an embarrassingly long amount of time? Alfie, you have wet yourself. Are you a French revolutionary scientist?
00:02:15
Speaker
Well, how does 24601 million dollars sound? We have to stop the girl. We cannot allow her to free him. There's no case I won't take and no case I can't win.
00:02:27
Speaker
Arson! Why are you here still? fire outside hostile galactic entities. Daughter, I am so relieved that you managed to free me.
00:02:37
Speaker
And we even just opened up our new offices specializing in intergalactic teenage kidnapping. You feel a little prick on your finger and a beam of light pulls you off into space. Okay. Oh, well, all right. Bye-bye. What the
Abducted to Space: Meeting Omelette
00:02:53
Speaker
fun times are you going to have with all of that money and your sweet, sweet freedom?
00:02:59
Speaker
So if you want to thrive, you need to call the law office offices of Martin Chive, 877-3375.
00:03:08
Speaker
We make no warranties or guarantees regarding the performance or results of our product or services. We do not warrant that our products or services will be error-free or uninterrupted. In no event shall Martin Jive be liable for any direct, indirect, incidental, special, or consequential damages arising out of or in any way connected with the use of our services.
00:03:29
Speaker
So, you guys have all been pulled into space in these beacons of light. Alfie, you've been pulled up in a green beam.
00:03:39
Speaker
Janet, you've been pulled up in a blue beam. And Chad, you've been pulled up in a pink beam. What the hell does that mean? Hell yeah. As you're traveling through space and seeing your known solar system whiz by ah what is your reference point for kind of what's going on, Janet? How much space books have you read? Have you seen a lot of sci-fi movies?
00:04:01
Speaker
i mean, a normal amount. I guess, I mean, i would recognize, depending on how close we are, I'd recognize them. I think... ah The bigger thing I'm probably experiencing is like extreme nausea and vertigo and disorientation at the...
00:04:20
Speaker
Wild speed, I imagine. We must be traveling, right? so Great. Can you make a grit roll of four? An 11. I
Alien Recruits and Preparation for Trials
00:04:26
Speaker
exploded. Something has kept you and unfazed by the immense speeds that you're whipping by.
00:04:33
Speaker
Eventually, as you whiz past ah the last real planet at this time, Pluto... Nice. Chad? Yes? what ah Is there any kind of space fiction or media that you think of that is Chad's scene? Well, the first thing that Chad's feeling is hunger. He's hungry.
00:04:51
Speaker
Great. Let's get out of the way. ah He remembers something about these women in white who fight aliens.
00:05:05
Speaker
So he's seen this really feminist movie Women in White. And these really badass chicks fight aliens. And he's just very excited to to see... He thinks he's in a movie.
00:05:21
Speaker
He thinks he's in a movie. He doesn't realize... he doesn't He's not able to like identify planets. He doesn't know that. So he thinks it's either a movie or he got punched really hard or something like that.
00:05:31
Speaker
He's not sure where he's at. You... off appear into deep blackness, and then eventually you see this glowing ah red and blue kind of spaceport start to slowly appear in front of you, and you guys slow down, and shortly afterwards, Omelette appears behind you guys.
00:05:52
Speaker
but So you guys are sitting on the space platform, ah You see all these people in these really vibrant colored uniforms, reds and greens and whites and blacks, powerful armor with these like bandoliered weapons at their side. And then eventually Omelette, after kind of gaining himself and kind of coordinating his brain, he turns looks you guys. All right, guys, I need you guys to do me a favor.
00:06:17
Speaker
Um... Be cool. Don't lie. But if someone asks, you were selected by me personally. ah That sounds like a lie. No, no, no. This was this was on purpose.
00:06:31
Speaker
yeah We planned this. Okay? So we've been selected to do what here? ah I picked you. You are my recruits.
00:06:43
Speaker
You're the best that I could find after several million years of looking. oh are the best. I look, uh, I give Chad a side eye.
00:06:54
Speaker
What do you- Do you have something in your eye? Do you have something there? No. Do you want me- Do you want to, like, uh, a tissue or something? Are you okay? Just- Just thinking of the ramifications of this, uh, what are we the best at?
00:07:10
Speaker
Or the best for? You're going to be trying out to be representatives, to be part of the Galactic Unity Division. Tryouts!
00:07:22
Speaker
Oh, no. i already went through a rehearsal, and it was really hard.
00:07:28
Speaker
aye Ended up stranded on your planet way longer than I was supposed to. I was sent there sort of find the best people to stop Paragall, the big brute.
00:07:41
Speaker
Paragall? Daddy Swunch? Daddy Swunch. Yeah, Daddy Swunch. Daddy Swunch. I was meant to recruit new people to stop him.
00:07:52
Speaker
um and when when we crashed on your planet, i'm I guess i they they must have a thought that was on purpose. um Because I spent so long there and I eventually had to pull the trigger because I'd been there so long when I woke up and then I brought you guys.
00:08:09
Speaker
So you guys are going to, you know, I picked you guys deliberately. Make sense? ah Chad's going to extend his hand for a handshake and then realize that he can't do that and then casually put his hand back in his pocket and pretend that no one saw him doing that. Yeah.
00:08:27
Speaker
that Yeah. You guys look over and you see a few collective groups. ah Silver egg-like things, much like Omelette, are around and with them have brought various platoons of aliens.
00:08:40
Speaker
One of them slowly drifts over to you guys with its own pack of three recruits. In the weirdest way possible, this egg has bully energy compared to Omelette. Ha ha!
00:08:52
Speaker
Hey, one, two, two. Are these the people you brought? Yeah, they're, um, they're, they're the the best that, uh, they're the absolute best. but They don't look like much.
00:09:03
Speaker
These are mine. He armlessly gestures back. ah There are three aliens that are with him. The first looks humanoid, ah but from the chest up, it's a horse.
00:09:16
Speaker
The second is a metallic-looking man, but it's this dull, non-shining gray color. Jesus. The last one is just a glass case where its head is, um and it's got this huge, swollen head that's suspended in some kind of a fluid.
The Awesomer and Initiation Trials
00:09:34
Speaker
Oh, right. Oh. I limited it so I don't have to do a bunch of different speaking voices. Nice. they that Honestly, super smart. I was thinking this through and i was like not coming up with like 80 alien talking voices today. way!
00:09:51
Speaker
They wouldn't speak English. What do they may really sound like, Paul? No, no, no, no, no. If they are, they're all French. Not Chad talking, but yo, we suck compared to these three. Like, we're literally children.
00:10:06
Speaker
sorry happy They might be babies on their planet. You never know. um like goes Yeah, well, my guys, they're going to kick your guys' ass. We're going to what? I bet they could win in a fight to the death if they needed to. I know that's not what we do here, but... fool Hey, um, ah um, other omelet, I didn't get your name.
00:10:26
Speaker
Hey, what's your name, little guy, little fella, little buddy? Little buddy, fella, we're not friends, pal. But let me tell you, my number is 33887.
00:10:37
Speaker
A bigger number than your silly little friend. And these are my recruits. 33887, do you mind if I sidebar with Omelette here?
00:10:47
Speaker
um We're just gonna sidebar real quick. Please excuse yourselves. Thank you. um Excuse. Chad, we do how do we um- what's um- what's a group hug?
00:10:59
Speaker
It's a- it's not a group hug. It's a- when we all get in a circle. Do you want a hug? No, no. What's what- when- on the team- when you- when you all- when you circle up- A huddle. Huddle! We need to huddle. I know that.
00:11:11
Speaker
Great. Yes! Let's do that! Wait, I'm really good at huddling. Everyone! Arms out! Huddle. Oh. So it is a group- this is just a group hug. Why does everyone ah get really upset with me when I say group hug? It is kind of like a group hug, you are right.
00:11:24
Speaker
Omelette. Yeah? did you Did you say fight to the death? I'm just talking talk. We don't do a lot of death fighting here anymore. That's not zero. That's not reassuring.
00:11:36
Speaker
but I don't know if we can do this. if you're gonna if you know dan taste I was just talking a lot of talk. i'm i'm he is he's He was mean to me when I was a recruit. recruit And so so I wanted to make sure that my my first batch of recruits was impressive.
00:11:52
Speaker
Do you want me to throw him out the window? Oh, into into space? Wait, with into where? You pivot out and you do see there's an enormous like cloud and you look, there are like hundreds of spaceships drifting through. They're like outside of a weird alien planet you've never seen.
00:12:09
Speaker
There's colors and vibrant things. it's it's Chad, maybe you're just finally registering that this is not. Exactly. yeah Yeah. He's a little shocked now. What did you think the aliens were? i think He thinks he's in, like, a fever dream, and things are now starting to register that they're real.
00:12:27
Speaker
He turns looks at you, uh, Jan, and goes, uh, alright, brains. but that I mean that as, like, a positive term. You seem like the only one who has any idea of what's going on. I don't know if I have any idea what's going on, but...
00:12:39
Speaker
Oh, boy. If it means sticking it to that jerk omelet 78733, then, you know, I'm here for it. I'll i'll try. i am not doing any fights to the death, but I'm willing to beat those losers. I second Janet, but also not be- ah wait, how do you plan on beating those so-called losers who look like grown adults and also a space whores? Oh.
00:13:03
Speaker
No, the he he's cool. Don't worry about him. They're non-violent, typically. They eat grass. Space grass. but is it Do they call it space grass on the planet that he's from? who um Well, ah let's let's put it this way. I'm afraid of the can of worms I've i've opened as a fantasy guy talking sci-fi.
00:13:24
Speaker
ah I'm swimming in um essentially an ocean. So... Why don't I just take you to our leader? You make your way through these corridors. You're seeing people really quickly. Ivana. Yeah.
00:13:37
Speaker
This is not just a spaceport, but it's also like a space mall. What is a kiosk that somebody is maybe selling in this spaceport? What is like a product that somebody is trying to sell?
00:13:49
Speaker
Hot chocolate. Hot chocolate. You guys, you're walking past, there's all kinds of things. There's like aliens on spits that they're like trying to coax people to. They've got all kinds of weird like hats for creatures that don't have heads. So it's more like it sits inside of their like amoeboid body and declares whatever their belief is. It's almost like a bumper sticker. And then eventually you guys just pass a single dude who's got like one of those orange and white Kool-Aid things that he's just dispensing just ordinary hot chocolate to people.
00:14:17
Speaker
As they go by, um he's like, hey, this is, uh, swusmoses. Swusmoses! Chad's gonna grab a cup and keep walking. Great.
00:14:28
Speaker
Have good luck, recruit. We don't have to pay for that? No, no, no. It's all on the house. I didn't know that. i I was just trying to be confident. I would also like a swusmos. Okay, here's a swusmos.
00:14:40
Speaker
Ma'am? No swusmos? Uh... No, thanks. I'm not going to drink mysterious brown liquids from space creatures when I have no idea what's going on, but let me know how it is, boys. Oh my God, it tastes like Christmas and also my childhood. Are you sure you want a little sip? Do you want a little sip?
00:14:57
Speaker
A little baby, baby sip. I really don't. I'm so nauseous and stressed out right now. I don't know how you guys are taking this in stride. Fine. And then Chad's going to c chug it. You guys eventually make your way to this huge central port.
00:15:10
Speaker
And in it, you see this giant tube with, it looks like this amorphous ghost spirit with hundreds of heads that are talking inside of discussing. This is the awesomer.
00:15:23
Speaker
It's ah sort of our leader. It's a and giant coagulative psychic being of all of the previous nominees for leadership. they they They contribute their mind, if they've been nominated, to be a part of it. And it is sort of our judiciary, and it makes all of our decisions for righteous purpose, and it's kind of our leader. yeah Hi, Mr. Awesome.
00:15:46
Speaker
ah The awesome returns, and you kind of have this moment of solemnity as you feel thousands of these eyes turn. These are three you've chosen. it's Excuse me, one second.
00:15:56
Speaker
I'm going to huddle ah Janet and Alfie.
00:16:02
Speaker
You know this is going to be a big poignant moment, Paul? huddle. I don't think we're going to have a moment. Go, Chad. ah I think we should be in a pose. You stop you stop the big the big ultimate space being from from delivering it's its edict to us to tell us we should pose? I think you would look cooler.
00:16:21
Speaker
ah oh Choose like a cool pose. All right, you you pick a pose and we'll follow suit. All right, so he's going to stand with like one leg out and crossed arms in front of him and look at the being.
00:16:33
Speaker
I'm going to do the same thing. Whatever. Alfie's gonna put his fingers up in a gun leading sideways against... I'm not gonna lie. I kind of like a little bit of showmanship and panache. Is it necessary? Of course it's necessary. It matters. You hear in your heads the whole thing discussing within itself and eventually the whole contribution of its psyche comes to term and goes, all right, we appreciated it.
00:16:56
Speaker
Welcome, recruits. You've been chosen. You're, uh, our beacon, which was sent to find potential new recruits in your sector to be part of our, uh, security protection force.
00:17:10
Speaker
have any basic questions? So... Yes, I rob ah raised my hand. Raised my hand. You shoot! What? What?
00:17:21
Speaker
Oh, did you think it was going to be austere? I threw that away too. I'm concerned about these trials. Are are these dangerous trials that we're being signed up for by Omelette? Well, we would never put us in a situation where we would put any truly innocent people at risk. If you fail these trials, we'll simply erase your memories of everything that has happened here and send you back to your planet and there will be no... Erase our memories.
00:17:46
Speaker
No, you just won't remember that we were here. I have a follow-up question, but also an urgent... Yeah, shoot. Sort of...
Graduation and Return to Earth
00:17:53
Speaker
We learned that recently. It's a lot of fun. Um, before we were, um, uh, space kidnapped.
00:18:02
Speaker
Recruited. Sure, space recruited kidnapped. We encountered, um, an, I guess, uh, an entity. See, this girl but that, um, I kind of had a crush on, but I was, I was dealing with my own emotions about that, and I didn't really want. That's not the point. fail The point is that, um, her dad got released from, uh, a thing. Uh, his send last name was Swanch. I can't remember what Omlet said that the first name is.
00:18:28
Speaker
Perigal! And there's a bear the moment when he, like, utters that name. There's, like a real silence that kind of echoes through the chamber. And the Awesomer collects himself and goes, Perigal's been released.
00:18:41
Speaker
He's been gone for a long time. Well, it's our belief that a ah planet that communicates with the galactic unity...
00:18:53
Speaker
should be capable of of of protecting itself. If you're recruited, then it will be your job to defend your region from incoming forces.
00:19:06
Speaker
However, if you were to fail, then the belief is your planet is not worth being a part of the Union and should not be protected by us.
00:19:20
Speaker
If that were the case, Heragol would have the opportunity to turn your planet into a stronghold. Okay.
00:19:32
Speaker
Um... What? What? What? Chad's gonna raise his hand. Yeah, shoot.
00:19:43
Speaker
So are you saying that the three of us have to protect our... Town from Jackie's dad? Yeah, that's sort of what I was going for. You seem to get it. Why don't you two get it? How are we supposed to protect ourselves from this monster being when we're just three high school kids?
00:20:08
Speaker
What? You didn't tell them anything? Well, you didn't really have time. I um i just brought them here, and we're in our own little like space beam, so we don't really have the time. You didn't even have a chance to tell them anything? No. Okay. Well, as a potential member of the Galactic Unit Division, we are going to provide you with these. You look in front of you, and on the sort of dais?
00:20:30
Speaker
Isn't that what it is? Yep. Sort of the like a pedestal that's sitting in front of you. Three... Basically, fanny packs appear in front of you um in the in the colors of green, blue, and pink aligned with each of you.
00:20:44
Speaker
Please, put one on. on You instinctively know which one is yours. You don't have to... Oh, they. Oh. ah It's like it's calling to you. there's like a there's no There's no energy or interest in the two that that don't belong to you, but the one that is definitively yours, you feel like a magnetic pull to you.
00:21:03
Speaker
Um, this really doesn't go with my style, but okay. Chad's going to open it up immediately. Unzip it. It's an empty fanny pack. No! For my things!
00:21:15
Speaker
And then he'll put it on.
00:21:19
Speaker
Janet, do you put on your fanny pack? I do, and then I say, and how is this supposed to help us protect us like the planet? The minute you do, you feel an enormous rush of energy, and you hear the Da'Azomer dictate, your gifts will be powered by the natural forces upon your planet.
00:21:38
Speaker
Each of you will be imbued with the powers of the last animal witness. ah Janet, you close your eyes and you see the fox that you saw in the museum and you feel this cunningness, this clever ingenuity, this ability to survive in the heat of the moment come over you.
00:21:59
Speaker
Alfie? You close your eyes, and whatever reason, the thing that you picked was a trilobite. Yeah. It's a powerful and enduring creature. It's able to withstand immense pressure from all forces outside of its control and survive. Oh. And lastly, Chad.
00:22:18
Speaker
believe you described a featherless peacock. yeah oh Um...
00:22:26
Speaker
It is. What fossils are, you see a beautiful plumaged peacock. It represents charm and the ability to lead, but also the capacity to stand aside when others need to shine.
00:22:40
Speaker
Each one of you feels this immense energy coursing through your bodies. Each one of you is going to level up. Kids on Bikes fundamentally does not have a leveling system in it, so what I'm going to do is each one of you can pick one of your skills and ratchet it up to the next highest die. You can turn your d4 into a d6, or your d12 into a d twenty so whatever your choice.
00:23:04
Speaker
Feels like the thing to do would be move your 12 to a 20, right? play yeah I mean like moving her four to a six it sort of depends what it is I feel like some of those skills are very specific I maybe would say that now that you're a fighting force maybe fight might come up a little more often than or grit oh yeah I was just looking at my really low brawn and my really low grit Something to consider.
00:23:31
Speaker
But each one of you feels this power that's coursing through you. I'm going to let you know you guys have also been given a power that is unique to each of you that's related to previous experiences in the story so far.
00:23:43
Speaker
As you guys feel this power and energy coursing through you, all of this is outlined with the colors that I've been referencing. I'm also going to grant you a pocket d6. ah Think of it as a bardic inspiration that you can utilize ah once per session to like juice one of your abilities. And that's basically like channeling your power. Well, based on that, Alfie's grit is going to go from 12 to 20 because you described him being a freaking horseshoe crab. Yeah.
00:24:13
Speaker
You picked trilobite. Well, didn't know I was making something up in episode one, you monster. I didn't let anyone know Paying for your choices.
00:24:27
Speaker
Chad's brains are still at four. His fight is a 20. Chad's brawn and fight are That's brutal. Yeah.
00:24:40
Speaker
But he's a pacifist. And I bumped my brawn from a six to an eight. You guys are now sitting there in front of him. The awesomer looks to you and asks, Are you ready for your first trial? Oh, not right now?
00:24:51
Speaker
Yeah. Can we finish our
Chaos at the Mall: The Aftermath
00:24:53
Speaker
Svessmas? Yeah, finish your Svessmas. It's great. When you get the chance, you should go to Svessirland.
00:25:00
Speaker
Is that a planet or a country or... It's a corporation. It's corporation.
00:25:06
Speaker
Capitalism reigns supreme, even in the inter intergalactic dimensions. I'm already dealing with the reality that I'm kind of endorsing police by being a Power Ranger. But, like, are the Avengers police?
00:25:17
Speaker
I don't know. hey I'm sure you get this all the time, Mr. Awesome Thing. um Yeah. Are we the gut guys? Are you making a joke that it's G-U-D? No, maybe.
00:25:27
Speaker
Nice. I'm very nervous. Boom. Ah. ah I'd like to clarify that Chad could have done this without enhancements.
00:25:40
Speaker
But he chooses to use them anyways. That's a sports joke. I tried to make a sports joke. oh performance enhancing drugs.
00:25:53
Speaker
I know little about sports. pa Please cut that. But, uh, Oh, it's dang. Great. If you guys are ready, then we're going to start your first trial. Oh, God. Whiplash. That's the best.
00:26:06
Speaker
Your first trial is a trial of wisdom. Please, close your eyes. When you close your eyes, you eventually feel yourself beamed away. It's hard to tell if this is you being pulled into some kind of a psychic vision or you were physically being put into this location, but you awaken inside of a prison cell.
00:26:24
Speaker
um This prison cell is full of regular adornments. There's tables, there's chairs, there's a desk, there's a mirror. Just to clarify, like an earth prison cell? Yep. Whatever your your psychic envisioning of a prison cell. Are we all together a separate?
00:26:37
Speaker
You're all... You are individually there. you're each in experiencing this individually, but you're going to be able to, like... You're all one person... Does that kind of make sense? Like, you're you're you're living as one psychic person in this moment.
00:26:48
Speaker
Mind hive. You this one being. Mind hive. This is trippy. So you guys to be able to talk it out, and then you're eventually going to solve this puzzle. Great. that make sense? So you're a character. Alfie can talk. Jana can talk. Chad can talk.
00:26:59
Speaker
But you are one body. It would be the same thing you were all talking it out, and then each one of your bodies solves the puzzle the same way, right? Sure. If you were three people in a room being like, what do we do? And then you're like, this is how we solve it. And then each one of you does it individually. It's the same effect. All right.
00:27:13
Speaker
Sure. You guys have been captured by this sadistic evil emperor. He says he's going to give you a chance to earn your freedom. And you'll be doing that by playing a simple game with him.
00:27:27
Speaker
He's going to provide you with a bag. The inside of that bag are going to be two stones, one white one, one black one. If you pull out the white stone, you'll have earned your freedom.
00:27:39
Speaker
But if you pull out the black stone, you're going to be executed on the spot. The trouble is, you know this emperor is renowned for cheating in all of his games. So he's going to put two black stones in the bag and say that there was a white stone in there.
00:27:53
Speaker
So what do you do to ensure that you're going to survive? All right. So we just have these this bag with two stones in it. You know he's going to show up with a bag two stones. Well, we're in a prison cell. Okay, but he is not.
00:28:05
Speaker
Are there any white rocks around? On the ground? There could be. We look for the white rocks on the ground. ah ah You do find there might be some white rocks that look like that could be that could work, but you don't know what the rocks are going to look like.
00:28:21
Speaker
So you found a few white rocks, but you don't. or A couple options. Should Paul get those anyway? Okay, so we know he's going to cheat, right? Yeah.
00:28:32
Speaker
Yeah, I guess so. Then I think we're going to have to cheat too. Okay, well, we don't know what they're going to do we Do we know if he's going to like honor the game if we beat him in it? because Yes.
00:28:45
Speaker
He will honor the game. Is the door locked? Can we just try to leave?
00:28:54
Speaker
What if I just make a brown roll of 18? Okay. so All of us are just Chad. Brains are for dummies. Kick that door down. A nine. Or one of the guards hears you kick on the door and he goes, are you looking for his majesty? Are you ready?
00:29:09
Speaker
Not yet. Not yet. I'm going to control our psychic body and say that, I guess. I don't know. That's fine. You do. don You don't have to make it complicated. Oh. I'm not the one who made a complicated ball.
00:29:21
Speaker
Well, I guess the only thing we can do is lie to him and beat him at his own game. We can take one of the stones and then have him do the reveal.
00:29:36
Speaker
So we'll say, oh I'm too scared. I can't open my hand or something. show us what's in the bag, and then heat he takes out the black stuff. Right. Chad, you eat a lot of um eggs, right?
00:29:51
Speaker
Twelve every day. Do you think, as this one entity body that we're in, you could just you could just immediately swallow ah big rock? Could you do that for the team? so i guess so but can we do we have any like sauces just a condiment there's no sauces i don't think so i think you're just gonna have to just dry swallow this rock yeah keeping in mind the part where he's going to kill us on the spot if you don't no pressure though yeah no okay that's fine but you convinced me we're good then we can do it that's okay i can do it i can do it i could do it right
00:30:28
Speaker
That's it. Okay, Mr. King. Yeah. Guy, we're ready. right, I'll bring his emperor. My wonderful daily execution. What do we have? And he's got a little tiny little velvet bag and he dangles in front of you and you hear the two rocks clicking inside of it.
00:30:42
Speaker
What will you do? What will you do? Oh, I guess we're just going to have to play your game, Mr. Emperor. right, Chad, you're up. Okay, well, we have to pick one.
00:30:57
Speaker
We have to pick one. Chad's acting, but he's not very good yet. that's We have to pick ah rock, sir. Yeah.
00:31:09
Speaker
So he opens the bag. Okay. I'm going to grab one and he's going to pull the bag up close to his mouth. And he's going to grab the rock and hide with the bag that he's swallowing the rock. And he will swallow said rock.
00:31:29
Speaker
And then he is going to hand him the bag. Your turn. Baby-o?
00:31:40
Speaker
Sick burn. Very clever. And he reaches his little hand and he pulls out the little black marble. You are correct. It was a marble, not a rock? Okay, I'm like picturing like a baby fist.
00:31:55
Speaker
but he be He pulls out the little black stone. And as he does, ah you feel the world kind of evaporate away from you. You come back into the original room and he goes, oh, that that was impressive. Oh, God, we're all separate again, right?
00:32:08
Speaker
Chad, did you actually eat a rock? Are you okay, bro? Don't know if I'm okay. Okay.
00:32:17
Speaker
Well, it was more of a marble, you know. um Let's be honest, Chad, I've seen you eat bigger and grosser things. Well, I had a marble when I was seven and I had to get surgery.
00:32:29
Speaker
So I don't know if I'm able to process a marble. Okay, we're cutting back to the doctor and Chad's dad. Well, mr Mr. Brewer... Yeah, lay it on me, Doc.
00:32:42
Speaker
There is a marble stuck in your son's small intestine, and we are going to have to do... procedure to get it out okay can you be honest with me do you things real quick before you commit any kind of major surgery on my mom my my little boy sure how big of a marble there is only one size of marble as far as i'm aware but it it's about the size of a nickel but a sphere he's a doctor you have to listen to him only one size of marble what kind of doctor are you i grew up playing jacks all right all right regional thing regional thing now um
00:33:16
Speaker
If we were to put more marbles inside of my boy and and and shake him around, could I possibly... i would not recommend that.
00:33:27
Speaker
No matter what the end of that sentence is, I would not recommend this. Okay, I withdraw my question. Spit the mouth out! Oh, yeah, yeah. bigo give know about
00:33:38
Speaker
You guys come back into the space, and very quickly you just immediately pull back out. You find yourself on a woodland forest region. In the distance, you see a huge dam that's been built.
00:33:52
Speaker
um And you also see it looks like a small lake that there's like a river kind of flows downwards into, and a small community that's basically built out around You all hear the awesomer communicate inside of your heads again. This is the test of strength.
00:34:11
Speaker
Be warned. There are people coming to destroy that dam. is your job to prevent this conflict from happening. That is how you will be judged.
00:34:22
Speaker
i think I think we should we should rally rally the townspeople to help us stop these guys. Are we going to war? Do we know how many there are? It's probably just a few people who are like planning an attack to destroy the dams. Not like an army.
00:34:38
Speaker
Probably like five, ten people. I agree with Janet. Let's rally the townsfolk and make sure that they all are all aware ah so that they can fight back.
00:34:50
Speaker
And ah yeah, Chad, you're good with talking to people like that, right? Town we go! You make your way to the the village square. That was a yes. and I was like... Oh, you wanted, yeah.
00:35:01
Speaker
No, yeah. I was just saying yes to yes. I am good talking to people in that sense. So, yes. Okay. Great. now do it Now do it not to me and do it to everyone else.
00:35:12
Speaker
Oh, okay. I think adults, they like to hang out at like a bar, right? Can we go to a bar? Yeah, there's like an old-timey tavern. all right. Let's go there.
00:35:23
Speaker
You kick in the saloon doors and there's a bunch of people who are like solemnly sitting there and drinking from their pints. Flaggings. Flaggings. That's the word. Probably don't have glass pints. Citizens! Yeah? We must gather!
00:35:36
Speaker
All of us? Janet, they have questions.
00:35:42
Speaker
yes Yes, all of us. we want We need your help to protect the dam. There are people coming to destroy it and to flood your beautiful town. Oh! Why should we listen to you?
00:35:54
Speaker
Who are you? who are you? You're just a bunch of kids! Are we just a bunch kids or are we one... You're yourselves. You're yourselves these times. Oh, shit! Shit!
00:36:05
Speaker
Come on! Wait!
00:36:10
Speaker
We'll give 5,000 gold pieces to anyone who comes to help us protect the dam. 5,000 gold? Oh, wow!
00:36:20
Speaker
That's more than I've ever heard! That seems like a lot! Are we sure that are lying? Can you make a charm roll of eight? Yeah. Let's go. 5,000? That's five one-thousands!
00:36:32
Speaker
That's a thousand fives! Real math heads over here. Are you sure? I rolled an 11. Wow. Yeah. I'll join her. And several guys kind of could like rally with you. They're like, 5,000 is a lot of money to us.
00:36:46
Speaker
Great. Really glad that I picked the right currency. on Great. Let's go. And, yeah, make sure to bring anything you anything you can to help.
00:36:57
Speaker
ah You know, if you have weapons, bring them. If not, shovels, ah armor, you name it. If you have really um long nails, don't feel emasculated to scratch out eyes, okay? It's a really good ah defense mechanism, okay? Especially if they grab your backpack.
00:37:14
Speaker
Hear that, long nail Charlie? Yeah! Chad's gonna grab like all the cutlery from the tavern. so Smart. Smart. Smart. Ooh, Chad's gonna put the forks and knives in his fanny pack.
00:37:28
Speaker
Never seen him on him more excited. They make little do-do-do-do. Is there a, ah like ah a leader of this town, a sheriff or a sheriff?
00:37:39
Speaker
I think that's her. Yeah, her. I'm pretty sure it's her. And they all point to Janet. Oh, great. Okay. boy i don't know how you guys lead yourselves in any way do you have any pretty poorly is there do you know why anyone would want to destroy the dam above your town have you guys resources for resources sure okay so you haven't pissed anyone off yet it's just bandits and this is not a politically motivated or revenge-fueled move okay got it okay i'm not even sure we exist yeah i think we might even be a simulation oh let's not get into that okay i don't even know i
00:38:15
Speaker
To the dam! Oh
00:38:21
Speaker
boy, I got some real existential stuff here. We sort of were eating in there, but I don't recall any food on our plates. You get a knife, and you get a fork, and you get a knife. yeah you're ah You guys have rallied your small peacekeeping militia. And ah what is your, your you see a small group of individuals kind of making their way out. They look like they've got some kind of, ah some sort of medieval fantasy siege weapons.
00:38:49
Speaker
The only thing I can think of right now are the orcs with the gunpowder on their backs from the two towers from Lord of the Rings. How far are they from us right now? They're, they're a hundred feet.
00:38:59
Speaker
um They're approaching. They're approaching. Halt! Knaves! No further! These five guys come up, and one of them fires off an arrow at you.
00:39:13
Speaker
Alfie, what's your grit? My grit is now d20, because I upped it from my 12. B to 10. 14. You are not going to be hurt by this arrow.
00:39:25
Speaker
How do you want to avoid that from happening? Um, sure. ah It lands... into Alfie's thigh and he sort of stops and then he looks and he takes his chain wallet out of his pocket and his chain wallet has stopped the arrow from going into his skin.
00:39:53
Speaker
That's going to be the moment to lead the battle cry. Chad, what is the battle cry as you send your you militia outwards? So it's a battle cry, but he's also asking Janet a question.
00:40:05
Speaker
So it goes at the same time and he just yells, can they swim? Oh, shit. Did you say can they swim? but Sorry, that was can they swim? Can they swim?
00:40:17
Speaker
Can they swim? Asking Janet about the other people over there. Can they swim? That is the battle cry, but that is also a question. and I'm obviously not going to answer that because you shouted it as a battle cry, but i am i am going to run with Chad or behind Chad or whatever.
00:40:35
Speaker
Janet! And then he's going to lower the screaming voice and be like, Janet, can they swim? Can we just push him into the water? I have absolutely no idea.
00:40:45
Speaker
i do not know what the rules are, but if you get a chance to push him in the water, it's probably a good idea anyways. Even if they can't swim. I'm the best at this during my ninth birthday party at the pool.
00:40:58
Speaker
I pushed everyone into the water really quickly. That sounds like a lot of fun for you. Are we currently running while this is happening? And just sort of in the middle? And this is your battle cry? This is like, do we think these guys can swim one time in my ninth grade? I was really- No, the battle cry was just, can they swim? That was it.
00:41:20
Speaker
This is just lower conversation. You guys charge in, and you feel it when there's about to be this intense collision moment. ah The world begins to fade away again, just like during your trial of wisdom.
00:41:31
Speaker
ah You find the three of yourselves suspended in these little kind of bubble spheres. When you kind of come to awareness this time, you realize that you're so europe suspended in this little spherical ah containment unit.
00:41:44
Speaker
um And then it pops and you've landed the ground on your feet nimbly. The awesomer presents itself in front of all of you and goes, well done. Very well done. Now, for the final trial.
00:41:56
Speaker
That was it. Did we win? Is that all we had to do? We didn't have to... We didn't stop them. I've made my judgment based on how you've done. Oh, that's ominous. Wait, are we getting graded on this? Also... Yeah, man.
00:42:07
Speaker
Are we going to get back in time for... I got a meeting with my home ec teacher about burning something down, and are we going to get back there in time? Um, probably. going to say that time is weird in space, and you can't be missing class.
00:42:22
Speaker
You don't know all the rules that I'm gonna make up questions to? Look man, I just met your species for the first time. I don't even know what home ec is. I can infer it's the study of economics of buying and selling homes. What?
00:42:35
Speaker
What? Hey, it's a pretty good class. What species taught you about shoot? Huh? but Never mind, that's not important. What's the third trial? The third trial.
00:42:46
Speaker
This is the trial of judgment. You see the same three aliens that you met when you landed? They're suspended in the same kind of bubble that you were in a moment ago.
00:42:58
Speaker
As you know, you three were challenged just when you arrived. It is your judgment what to do with them. Because we believe they have failed their test.
00:43:12
Speaker
Do you think they should have the opportunity to be recruits? Or should we send them home? Can Judgment is yours. Oh, can we ask more questions?
00:43:23
Speaker
Sure. Okay. If they fail out of being recruits, are their homes going to get destroyed like our home might get destroyed? It would mean their home is seen to be unworthy of the Galactic Union's protection.
00:43:37
Speaker
If that were the case, then... If they were in danger, we would not be able to protect them. It's unlikely that they have a threat in the home the same way you do, though.
00:43:48
Speaker
It's possible. How did they fail? How did they fail? Yeah. Great question, Janet. They failed the test of wisdom and the test of strength. The horseman failed the test of strength?
00:43:59
Speaker
I know, i know. Can't lead a horse to water and make him solve it. Nice. Sounds like a very human, human aphorism that you're just making up.
00:44:10
Speaker
Chad's gonna raise his hand. Quietly. Shoot! I've never, I've never been one for extra credit, but could we help protect their hope?
00:44:22
Speaker
Oh, shit. That's what I was thinking too, Chad. Interesting. Interesting. Do we want you to absorb their region? We would? So you would be in charge of protecting it.
00:44:33
Speaker
And does that mean the DM has a whole lot more work to do than he was not planning on doing? i I'd say you could, but that would be also you admitting that they failed their trial.
00:44:49
Speaker
Are you so willing to abandon your own post for someone you've never met? Wait, we'd have to abandon Earth? Well, yeah, you'd be leaving Earth for some time to protect their system. Oh, no, we can't do that.
00:45:00
Speaker
Well, like, we could develop a system. You could beam us there if we had to go protect their planet, but we could stay on Earth most of the time. Right, time's all woobly-woobly, right? That's what I thought you meant.
00:45:12
Speaker
Wait, I have to start applying for colleges next year. might be a lot. That's also true. That's a good point. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, listen, um, how- me um, Mr. Awesome, what ha- what happens if we do say that they're- that they're good enough?
00:45:28
Speaker
Are they, like, do they just become full- full- guts and that's it? End of story? Like, this is all just on us? Like, what was the point of the other two trials?
00:45:39
Speaker
To see if you were worthy. Okay, but now no that we're on their trial, and then are we also on trial? Like, is the point of this going to be... My brain hurts, and I'm having a tough time, and I really... The minute you say that, you suddenly become aware that you are also in an identical bubble, and those three are making the same judgment about you.
00:46:03
Speaker
elvi Guys, I think the Awesomer is lying to us. I don't know if they passed their test or not, but I definitely know that we're being judged by someone else too, and that makes me feel bad. um I've been judged a lot today, and I just think that as angry as I am and as much as I want to be mad and stab a pen into my journal and just write everything out,
00:46:29
Speaker
I think that these guys are actually seem like good people, probably, and I vote we let them we let them be guns. I just don't know the implications, Mr. Awesomer.
00:46:43
Speaker
i We can't leave their planet undefined undefended. Can we get a new... can Can we pick three more defenders? In time, they might have the opportunity, or one of the species evolves the way to communicate with the Galactic Union on their own.
00:47:01
Speaker
Wait, Janet, do you remember when you had your... that When I signed up for your club earlier... This week? Okay. So you didn't have a lot of people, but the people who were there were there willingly because they wanted to be.
00:47:18
Speaker
And those three people are like the people in your club. They want to defend their planets. Planet. I think we should let them.
00:47:30
Speaker
I think we should let them too. I'd rather have under... qualified people protecting their home planet than the let it go to go and be destroyed by some evil force especially with this swanch villain back who knows what's gonna happen yeah chat's gonna extend his hand higher planet and say for the still photography club oh uh for for that club that i'm not in what are we talking about
00:48:02
Speaker
Wait, you should be a part of it. It's great. you should really sign up for the club. Oh. But I'm going to put it my hand and say, for the Still Photography Club and for the good of all the beings on their planet.
00:48:16
Speaker
We judge them. Accepted. And then we and then i yeah sorry then I'm going to look extremely expectantly at Mr. Awesomer and and ah hope that this ploy worked. Gambit. It looks and nods. He goes...
00:48:28
Speaker
Very well done. um It blinks. You guys once again drop out of those spheres and fall before you. You see a bunch of other people and packs are doing the same thing. From this point on, it's just a really quick rush graduation ceremony.
00:48:42
Speaker
Um... You guys are all like have this moment where all of you get into like groups and you all are there at your celebration. You're in some kind of a weird celebration uniform. ah You guys all have your fanny packs. They're like clipped onto you guys ah commemoratively by some kind of a senior officer.
00:48:58
Speaker
you guys kind of like salutes you in his weird alien way and you're given the chance to do the same. Can I have you all roll a brains roll? No. If you roll a 15, I'll let you be the class valedictorian and um you can give a little speech right now.
00:49:15
Speaker
Damn it! I rolled a 10. I feel like it would have been a Janet move to be the class valedictorian. I rolled an 18. Oh! oh You motherfucker. Alfie, you are standing in front of this enormous crowd of alien species.
00:49:32
Speaker
Oh. Hello. Graduating guts of, um, whatever the hell year this is, I'm not sure how you all delineate time I really was not prepared for this. I've had a really stressful day.
00:49:51
Speaker
Girl, broke my heart. And I found out that our planet's in danger. And then a little robot egg pricked my finger and we met a divine being.
00:50:09
Speaker
don't need to tell you all this. You know, because you probably also were here. Although some of you might have volunteered and had a little bit more prep time than we did. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that...
00:50:21
Speaker
Listen, I know you're all scared, and know a lot of us have wet our pants almost every single day this week. No matter, but the point is that you have all done it, and you're all here.
00:50:37
Speaker
And that's what's important. And if you ever meet someone named Jackie please tell her. Dad, please, please call me at my dad's house.
00:50:48
Speaker
It's very important that we get some closure. Woo, closure! dead and and ah You all have a moment. Just as you finish your speech, you get to clasp.
00:51:01
Speaker
ah your power pack on. Suddenly, you're equipped with this glowing green power armor. Each of have a moment where you activate your fanny packs and you're encased with your own colorful armor as well.
00:51:13
Speaker
ah Janet in blue, Chad in pink. Thank you for that impressive and rallying speech. New members, we send you back to your homewards to do well and protect the Galactic Unity Division.
00:51:30
Speaker
The three of you are encased in beams of light ah that match your new armor, and you find yourself careening through space back to your home solar system, and then to Earth.
00:51:42
Speaker
ah Even though you've been training for what's probably like weeks and weeks on end, it's actually only been one night. As you gain your awareness after landing, you realize that you are at the Silver Ridge Mall, and it is Saturday morning. Oh, God.
00:51:59
Speaker
You see ah all these kids standing in line outside of a store, And then the few kids you do see coming out are holding these weird ah like digital watch kind of things that they're playing with. um And they're they're tinkering with. And you see a couple kids are talking and yelling and having a little bit of fun. And they're plugging them into each other.
00:52:21
Speaker
And then you watch... as As they link the two of them, they just, like, this anger starts to kind of get, the one of the kids shoves the other kid, another one shoves him, guy grabs the thing, he tries to snatch it out of his hand, the line starts to kind of argue and yell, and you watch those two kids ah in your grade.
00:52:39
Speaker
What, uh, names, Janet, what's one of the names? Oh, uh, Andrew. dunger Andrew Dungarees has his his devices yanked out of his hand ah by the other kid.
00:52:52
Speaker
Ivana, what's his name? Fred. Fred. Fred Cherises. Fred Cherises. Andrew Dungaree lunges at Fred Cherises. Fred Cherises.
00:53:03
Speaker
And bites a huge chunk out of his arm.
00:53:18
Speaker
Alright, so who had Intergalactic Space Station on their Kids on Bikes bingo card? oh Are we still playing Kids on Bikes? It's hard to tell.
00:53:29
Speaker
Anyway, thanks for listening! You made it to the end of the episode! I want to give special thanks to the Rebel Kicks for providing their awesome music for our intro and outro, and as always, I want to thank our Game Master, Paul Emrich, for, you know, keeping us animals in the zoo happy, fed, and contained. Anyway, if you liked this episode, please leave a like and review on the platform on which you listened to it on, because it really does help boost the algorithm, and we can spread our insanity to the masses.
00:54:00
Speaker
Isn't that fun? ah The masses! Sorry, ah but yeah, we'd really appreciate it. Anyway, thanks again. bye for now.