Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Why Women Need Hobbies: Reclaiming Independence and Why Men Hate It
60 Plays1 year ago
The Queens discuss why having hobbies is essential for women and why it often triggers anger or insecurity in men. They explore how hobbies help women build independence, confidence, and fulfillment outside of relationships, making them less reliant on male validation. They also break down why some men become resentful or controlling when women have their own interests, seeing it as a threat to their dominance. Learn how to prioritize your passions, embrace your individuality, and sidestep men who can’t handle a self-sufficient woman.
FDS War Room on the Queen Patreon Tier: https://www.patreon.com/TheFemaleDatingStrategy
Paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/femdatstrat
Follow us!
Weekly Bonus Content/Merch/Discord on Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/TheFemaleDatingStrategy
Paypal: https://www.paypal.com/paypalme/femdatstrat
Website:https://www.thefemaledatingstrategy.com
Twitter: https://twitter.com/femdatstrat
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_thefemaledatingstrategy/
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/The-Female-Dating-Strategy-109118567480771
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Female Hobbies Debate
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:04
Speaker
I'm your host, Diana.
00:00:06
Speaker
And I'm your host, Rose.
00:00:08
Speaker
And today we are having a discussion on something that is purely enjoyable in practice, but somewhat prickly in theory.
00:00:16
Speaker
What is that topic, Diana?
00:00:19
Speaker
It is.
00:00:20
Speaker
Why do women deserve hobbies?
00:00:23
Speaker
And why men are upset we have them?
Why Men's Oppose Women's Hobbies
00:00:27
Speaker
And why we shouldn't care?
00:00:29
Speaker
that they're upset that we have them because they're not paying for them.
00:00:32
Speaker
Oh no, men are upset.
00:00:34
Speaker
Oh, whatever, whatever shall we do?
00:00:37
Speaker
We must perish.
00:00:38
Speaker
Let's kneel.
00:00:40
Speaker
Exactly.
00:00:41
Speaker
If you told me men are happy, I'd be more worried.
00:00:43
Speaker
Yeah, I was, I was listening to all our listeners.
00:00:48
Speaker
We have several episodes out now that feature Diana and I as your new hosts.
00:00:52
Speaker
And I've been listening to them for purely scientific reasons, right, Diana, just to make sure I'm doing things properly.
00:00:59
Speaker
And one of the things that I really picked up on that I did it right away when we were talking was you had said like, you will know you're doing something wrong if whatever you're doing makes a man happy and he agrees with it.
00:01:12
Speaker
Yep.
00:01:13
Speaker
You know, I'm a little less honorable than you.
00:01:15
Speaker
I listen to some of these podcasts just because I like the sound of my own voice because I get to have one, you know, and I feel like men have fought so hard for us to not have a voice in our own lives that honestly, I'm an incredibly smug woman.
00:01:30
Speaker
I relish the thought.
00:01:31
Speaker
that I can just say whatever the hell I want, and they can't take this away from me.
00:01:35
Speaker
So I feel like we should enjoy the time.
00:01:38
Speaker
I mean, of course, I also, you know, deconstructed and see how I could do better.
00:01:42
Speaker
But no, I'm telling you, I actually really enjoy our discussions.
00:01:45
Speaker
Because, you know, also, it's kind of like, you know, when you watch a TV show, the first time you don't really pick up, you enjoy it, but you don't necessarily pick up a lot of the smaller Easter eggs and things like that.
00:01:54
Speaker
When I look back at our own episodes, I'm like, Oh, my God, that was such a solid point.
00:01:58
Speaker
Because in that conversation, you just forget about it after a
00:02:00
Speaker
You're like, oh, she said something so clever.
00:02:02
Speaker
Rose said something so clever.
00:02:03
Speaker
And it just slipped me.
00:02:03
Speaker
And then I've listened to it again.
00:02:04
Speaker
And I'm like, yeah, that's a really good point, actually.
00:02:07
Speaker
Now that you bring that to my attention, that was a really good point.
00:02:10
Speaker
So I think it's just nice to be able to go back and look back and be like,
Societal Expectations and Women's Success
00:02:14
Speaker
you know what?
00:02:14
Speaker
We're just really smart.
00:02:15
Speaker
And we're just, you know, not to toot our own horn, but we're very smart people.
00:02:19
Speaker
Let's toot, though.
00:02:19
Speaker
Let's toot them.
00:02:22
Speaker
Toot, toot.
00:02:23
Speaker
I love toot.
00:02:24
Speaker
You know what?
00:02:25
Speaker
I love your smugness.
00:02:26
Speaker
It's something that we are so discouraged from ever being smug.
00:02:30
Speaker
Like my very hateful father, I still remember him being like, you know what, Rose, you really should be modest.
00:02:37
Speaker
As in, there's not much to crow about.
00:02:40
Speaker
But I would be like, you're right.
00:02:42
Speaker
I should be more modest because I have so much that I should be modest about because it's too brilliant.
00:02:47
Speaker
We literally had this argument until he died.
00:02:50
Speaker
He was like, you're not that great.
00:02:51
Speaker
And I was like, you know what?
00:02:52
Speaker
I'm too great.
00:02:54
Speaker
You know what?
00:02:55
Speaker
I believe in saving that humility for the Oscars and like this, just a God and all that other stuff.
00:03:01
Speaker
But like when it comes to, you know, talking about myself and I think I live in an industry where like, you know, everybody has to be a showman or people ignore you.
00:03:10
Speaker
And like, you know, that's the sad, the tragedy of like, you know, I think that the thing is women are encouraged to be wallflowers and to kind of not take up space.
00:03:18
Speaker
But, you know, it's a disadvantage to you when you're moving through life, because if you look at the people who stand out the most and the people who advance the most in their career, there are people who have not only an accurate assessment of their skills and their flaws, but are quite open about talking about their success.
00:03:33
Speaker
And that's because it's coming from a state of pride in your accomplishments.
00:03:36
Speaker
I think a lot of people will shame you by saying, you know, your confidence is arrogance.
00:03:41
Speaker
and your pride and your accomplishments could do well with the dose of humility.
00:03:45
Speaker
But the truth is that those people were not there when you were struggling or working the long hours or studying or whatever it was, you know, so it's very important to give yourself flowers, especially again, like, you know, think of yourself as a garden that needs to be watered.
00:03:58
Speaker
You know, we expect plants to thrive in an ecosystem where there's very little water.
00:04:02
Speaker
And it can't, you know, when you are giving yourself that water, you're allowing yourself to grow.
00:04:07
Speaker
So I feel like it's very important for and we always tell people, right, like self validate, learn to, you know, have these things don't like where do you think that comes from?
00:04:16
Speaker
How are you supposed to self validate from relying on other people to be your source of validation?
00:04:22
Speaker
These are some real truths right here.
00:04:24
Speaker
And I think this is why we wanted to talk about hobbies today, because hobbies are one way in which we do water ourselves.
00:04:31
Speaker
We do nourish and nurture and give ourselves our soul undivided attention in our own time.
00:04:37
Speaker
And I think that's why it is something that is so, what did we title this?
00:04:42
Speaker
Women's hobbies as an act of aggression.
00:04:44
Speaker
Mm-hmm.
00:04:45
Speaker
When women's pleasure pains men.
00:04:47
Speaker
But let's be fair, women do anything it pains men, so.
00:04:51
Speaker
It's so true.
00:04:52
Speaker
But I think it's very accurate.
00:04:53
Speaker
And I think this is something that we don't really stop
Historical Context of Women's Leisure
00:04:56
Speaker
to think about.
00:04:56
Speaker
Like, why are they so vehemently opposed to us having any time and any enjoyment for ourselves?
00:05:02
Speaker
And it doesn't even cost them money.
00:05:04
Speaker
Why could that possibly bother them?
00:05:06
Speaker
What do we think we've discovered, Diana?
00:05:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:08
Speaker
So, you know, recently, I think I told you this as well, that I've been listening to the audible book Mythos by Stephen Fry.
00:05:16
Speaker
I just brush up on my Greek mythology.
00:05:18
Speaker
And let me just say that men have always been upset when women have hobbies that don't involve them.
00:05:22
Speaker
And this goes back to like all the way to ancient Greece, you know, it's nothing new.
00:05:27
Speaker
It's not like this Victorian thing that came out.
00:05:29
Speaker
But I think for a very long time, you know, man's pursuit of discipline and work was supposed to enhance his status in the eyes of other men.
00:05:38
Speaker
So men that cultivated hobbies, men who were good at a craft, especially when we moved from an agricultural society to an industrial one, those were considered really valuable traits in men because it basically signified that they were producing something of value to society.
00:05:52
Speaker
And like, this is where we have to bring in capitalism for like a second, because the thing is, once capitalism became an entrenched system, there was really no room for you to cultivate that kind of activity on the side, because so much of your time was taken up in, you know, working for a company or being a, you know, laborer of some kind that honestly, if you had any energy to, you know, do woodshop or like, you know, work on an engine in your garage or something like that, that was like a rare thing, right?
00:06:18
Speaker
And I think that as long as men were distracted and weren't really paying attention to women, they didn't really see women as a threat because we go on to talk about this later on, but a lot of men see women as NPC characters.
00:06:30
Speaker
Right.
00:06:30
Speaker
And for a very long time, a woman's only role in society was to reproduce and bear children and then be in charge of looking after those children.
00:06:37
Speaker
And the more children you have, the less likely you are to have time for hobbies.
00:06:41
Speaker
And a lot of women's hobbies really came out of stuff that they had to do for their children already, like embroidery or stitching, sewing, cooking.
00:06:48
Speaker
All of these things were things that were born out of necessity, not so much something that they did as a luxury activity.
00:06:54
Speaker
Right.
00:06:55
Speaker
So then after women started entering the workforce and started making money as well, they kind of also for the first time had free time in a way that men did, which they didn't have before, because a lot of their time before was taken up by labor.
00:07:07
Speaker
Right.
00:07:07
Speaker
And men had no problem with that because they didn't actively interfere with their sense of ego.
00:07:12
Speaker
In fact, the more trades or skills your wife had, the better it looked for you, right?
00:07:17
Speaker
If you look at the advertising in the 1950s and the 60s, so much of like, you know, when the refrigerator became a thing or when like these ginormous ass ovens became a thing, the whole point of these ads were to encourage women to reduce their labor.
00:07:30
Speaker
And they were marketed towards stay at home moms.
00:07:32
Speaker
Right.
00:07:32
Speaker
They were marketed with the intention of being like, cut down all this time you spend doing your laundry by putting it into this machine or cut down the time that you spend, you know, hanging up all these clothes by bringing this vacuum cleaner or whatever, whatever it is.
00:07:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:07:45
Speaker
Like they all of these household tasks were basically made efficient by the introduction of these machines.
Capitalism and Leisure Time
00:07:51
Speaker
And there was a lot of resistance to like if you look at some of these interviews, when some of these newfangled devices came on the scene, there were a lot of husbands being like, I don't know, I just think this is going to make my old Sheila suddenly, you know, just not want to.
00:08:05
Speaker
Also, it's never thinking about the fact that, you know, reducing the amount of labor that she had to do would probably make her more likely to be horny for you, because if she's exhausted, she's just shouldn't have worse the time to be horny.
00:08:14
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:08:15
Speaker
Like, I don't think men think things through like they're playing checkers at every level.
00:08:19
Speaker
Then they're so surprised that their wife is too tired.
00:08:22
Speaker
They're like, my wife doesn't want to have sex with me.
00:08:24
Speaker
She keeps saying she has a headache.
00:08:25
Speaker
She's like, yes, she's been dealing with like four kids and doing all of the household chores.
00:08:28
Speaker
Like, of course, she's not interested, Bob.
00:08:32
Speaker
Yeah, Bob, get a grip, Bob.
00:08:38
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:08:39
Speaker
So we may be the first or second generation that really did get to develop hobbies.
00:08:43
Speaker
Hobbies, like the idea of a hobby is really the idea of having luxury time.
00:08:48
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:49
Speaker
Leisure.
00:08:50
Speaker
Leisure time is a luxury symbol.
00:08:53
Speaker
It really is.
00:08:54
Speaker
Yes.
00:08:55
Speaker
And the women that get to have hobbies, you know, maybe back then, the women who got to like play bridge and like throw dinner parties were women whose husbands provided more money.
00:09:04
Speaker
And so it was kind of a status thing that she had the time to like cultivate all of these other personalities, other things, because again, it reflected well on their husbands.
Erasure of Women's Contributions
00:09:12
Speaker
So I think a lot of men saw women's hobbies as like, okay, well, it has to be an extension to me and it has to make me look good in some way.
00:09:19
Speaker
But then, you know, as women started developing their own interests, then suddenly men were not that happy about it.
00:09:24
Speaker
And also, if you look at like a lot of, you know, women's contributions in traditionally masculine fields, like, you know, scientific discovery and inventions and stuff like that, this is a big part of the reason why they're completely erased from the narrative as well, is because men are threatened if you pick traditionally feminine hobbies, and they're threatened when you pick traditionally masculine hobbies as well, because they think that all of your 24 hours should be reserved for them.
00:09:46
Speaker
And honestly, anytime you make them think about the fact that you're doing something else other than them, they're not very thrilled about it.
00:09:51
Speaker
So maybe that's it.
00:09:54
Speaker
I do think it is.
00:09:55
Speaker
I think the aspect of time is something that's really under examined in this sort of battle.
00:10:01
Speaker
Well, actually, it's not a battle of the sexes.
00:10:03
Speaker
It's a gender terrorism is what it is.
00:10:06
Speaker
Like this sort of, I've been reading a lot more, especially under the Trump and the MAGA rise of this movement about stochastic terrorism.
00:10:13
Speaker
Have you ever heard about this?
00:10:15
Speaker
It's a threat of, you know, so for example, right now in Ohio,
00:10:21
Speaker
There is a sheriff who is telling all of his constituents, gather any of the names, numbers, and addresses of individuals who have signs to vote for Harris and Walls.
00:10:32
Speaker
And it's this implicit, it's an implied threat.
00:10:36
Speaker
And so this sort of idea like we're going to call it a bomb threat and get you swatted if you have a Harrison Walls sign in your yard.
00:10:44
Speaker
You don't know if it's going to come, but the threat is there.
00:10:47
Speaker
And so it's this idea of like you're constantly under stress because you don't know if and when something you do is going to trigger basically these terrorists, these radicals.
00:10:58
Speaker
Wow, that's wild.
00:10:59
Speaker
That's wild.
00:11:01
Speaker
It is wild.
00:11:02
Speaker
It's been happening increasingly under Trump.
00:11:05
Speaker
And now that we're in the lead up to the election, they're really ramping it up as well.
00:11:09
Speaker
So it sounds like men could use a hobby.
00:11:13
Speaker
Men, get a fucking hobby that's not terrorizing women.
Gender Differences in Cleanliness and Media Influence
00:11:17
Speaker
I mean, honestly, before they get a hobby, they should probably get a J-O-B.
00:11:21
Speaker
I mean, they don't even have that right now.
00:11:23
Speaker
So let's start with a job and then... Hello?
00:11:25
Speaker
Go take a shower and wash your ass while you're at it.
00:11:29
Speaker
Okay, just to go on a brief aside, can we talk about the fact that like we have a generation of men that have to be called on to wash their assholes.
00:11:37
Speaker
And then you have these like elaborate bathroom routines for women where they have like five different kinds of like sugar scrub from like that shea tree.
00:11:45
Speaker
What is that moisture tree?
00:11:46
Speaker
There's like this tree brand.
00:11:47
Speaker
I can't even remember.
00:11:48
Speaker
Tree Hut?
00:11:48
Speaker
I don't know what it's called.
00:11:49
Speaker
But I've seen this brand like everywhere on like people's bath routines.
00:11:53
Speaker
And all I get recommended now are bath routines because I am honestly flummoxed.
00:11:58
Speaker
that anybody would need these many things to get clean with.
00:12:01
Speaker
So you have like this huge spectrum where like women are like consuming these products at such a mass scale and men are being reminded, hey, you know, have you thought about washing your asshole today?
00:12:12
Speaker
Like, where are we?
00:12:13
Speaker
You know, such a great divide.
00:12:17
Speaker
The actual great divide.
00:12:21
Speaker
It is wild.
00:12:22
Speaker
Actually, and now I'm a lover of YouTube.
00:12:24
Speaker
So I love to like, listen to YouTube videos.
00:12:26
Speaker
And so many of them are YouTubers who will stitch together other I don't know if it's people from Instagram or TikTok or what have you.
00:12:34
Speaker
But since I really do try to limit my social media, I like that they're pulling in other social media people for me to hear without me having to go seek them out and like try to figure out the algorithm.
00:12:44
Speaker
So one of the things that's been popping up in my YouTube now is like strippers advising women on female hygiene and how to be the most appealing and clean.
00:12:54
Speaker
And I'm like, you know what?
00:12:55
Speaker
Yes, I will listen to a stripper tell me how I should be clean because I cannot imagine the sort of lengths they go to for their work.
00:13:02
Speaker
Honestly, I actually already did most of what they recommend.
00:13:05
Speaker
The one thing is I don't believe in being a clean shaven.
00:13:08
Speaker
First of all, I'm not actually a really hairy person.
00:13:10
Speaker
So I sort of come from that place of privilege where like, I really don't have much like hair to start with.
00:13:15
Speaker
But I also like push back against always having to have a Brazilian or all this bullshit that like,
00:13:20
Speaker
listen, hair is there for a reason.
00:13:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:22
Speaker
No, the other thing I would say is that some of them encourage douching and like, you know, just washing your privates with soap and stuff.
00:13:28
Speaker
And like, you know, it gives you a high risk of UTI.
00:13:31
Speaker
Like for any woman here, like not that I'm a vaginal expert or anything.
00:13:36
Speaker
I mean, I possess one, but like, I don't think that I, you know, that I don't know that that makes me an expert.
00:13:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:41
Speaker
I venture to say that I am.
00:13:43
Speaker
I am.
00:13:45
Speaker
Because I've gone seeking out this.
00:13:46
Speaker
I've gone out to seek this information from OBGYNs and others because, like you say, there's really not a lot of actual factual information out there that's correct.
00:13:56
Speaker
So I wanted to be sure that I was doing everything correctly.
00:13:59
Speaker
And these strippers are not recommending douching.
00:14:01
Speaker
That's another reason why I'm like, they know what they're talking about because they're not talking about douching.
00:14:05
Speaker
Oh, that's good.
00:14:06
Speaker
That's good.
00:14:06
Speaker
Because I did see one.
00:14:08
Speaker
Because I was like, I did see one person was like, you know, scrub with a loofah.
00:14:11
Speaker
And I was like, no, no, no, no.
00:14:12
Speaker
Don't do that.
00:14:14
Speaker
Also, I will say with any person that you're getting this kind of advice from, like, you know, just pick and choose.
00:14:18
Speaker
I think a lot of people think I have to adopt everything wholesale.
Hobbies as Rebellion Against Capitalism
00:14:21
Speaker
Like, oh, this person has like a killer winged liner look.
00:14:24
Speaker
Like I have to buy the exact product that they have.
00:14:27
Speaker
Like, no, you know, just be careful that even with YouTubers you are being marketed to.
00:14:33
Speaker
I think a lot of people forget that because like everything has become content now.
00:14:37
Speaker
So everyone thinks that, oh, I need to have like the La Cresce pot like Nara Smith does so that I can make bubble gum for whatever reason.
00:14:45
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:14:47
Speaker
It's true.
00:14:47
Speaker
Yes.
00:14:47
Speaker
Like, well, this is what we've talked about before too, right?
00:14:49
Speaker
Haven't we?
00:14:50
Speaker
Media literacy.
00:14:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:51
Speaker
and making sure we understand who is being marketed, who is the audience, who is the public, and to what end is this being directed at.
00:15:01
Speaker
So I absolutely agree with you.
00:15:03
Speaker
But where was I going with this?
00:15:04
Speaker
We're talking about time, we're talking about hobbies, hygiene.
00:15:08
Speaker
Well, you know what?
00:15:08
Speaker
Let me bring it back to one of these points just so that we could keep it going from here.
00:15:12
Speaker
So we brought up this point to start with about women's interests as acts of aggression.
00:15:17
Speaker
So one of the things I think is that, you know, when we talk about like the psychology of men being opposed to women doing things that are not designed for them, I think part of the reason that men get upset is because for a very long time, I think a lot of people also feel this guilt of capitalism.
00:15:31
Speaker
I think that, you know, even I felt this like when I mean, I really like watercolor painting, for example.
00:15:36
Speaker
And I remember feeling like, oh, I need to be really good at this because capitalism convinces you that you have to monetize like everything, every hobby you have.
00:15:44
Speaker
And so everything is connected to being productive, right?
00:15:48
Speaker
I think that a lot of the hobbies that women enjoyed were
00:15:51
Speaker
for the first time we're being done without the intention of monetization.
00:15:55
Speaker
And I think that was one of the things that men, I mean, I don't know where they get off on coming from this because these guys who play video games, I don't know what cultural capital they're adding to our world by sitting in front of a screen and with like a joystick doing shit.
00:16:07
Speaker
But like, they were shitting a lot on the fact that women don't have traditional hobbies like cooking and wearing aprons and you know, whatever.
00:16:15
Speaker
But you know what I mean?
00:16:16
Speaker
Because for them, it's about like sexual fantasy.
00:16:18
Speaker
It's like, oh, she should be making things for me.
00:16:21
Speaker
That's like the undertone, right?
00:16:22
Speaker
It's like they package it under, oh, it's not productive for capitalism.
00:16:26
Speaker
And like, I mean, they do this even with gamer women.
00:16:29
Speaker
For example, like I'm a huge fan of The Sims and I've been playing.
00:16:32
Speaker
This is probably the only video game I've played since like 2003.
00:16:35
Speaker
Like this is my longest relationship yet, you know?
00:16:38
Speaker
And I like it because it really helps me with visualization.
00:16:42
Speaker
I have elaborate storylines.
Hostility in Male-Dominated Hobbies
00:16:44
Speaker
And it's like, you know, I went from playing dolls to playing this.
00:16:46
Speaker
I'm like, I really like the design element of it, like designing homes, designing interiors.
00:16:50
Speaker
Like, in fact, when I bought my home this year, a lot of the interiors that I designed had already designed on the Sims.
00:16:57
Speaker
So when I went in to show my interior guy what I wanted it to look like, I got the floor plans for him and placed the floor plans in my Sims game and then did the interiors to give him like a mock-up of like what I wanted it to look like.
00:17:08
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's so clever.
00:17:11
Speaker
Yeah, because I mean, it was the easiest way to get the message across.
00:17:13
Speaker
But, you know, even women who are like, they have like this huge thing called Gamergate a few years ago, where like, they basically tried to oust women from the gaming community, right?
00:17:23
Speaker
So even women who take up traditionally masculine sort of hobbies are bullied a lot by men for having those hobbies and for not being real, you know, hobbyists of that hobby or whatever.
00:17:34
Speaker
So and then, you know, like, it's the same thing with Sims.
00:17:36
Speaker
They were like, oh, these people are not real gamers.
00:17:37
Speaker
So you as you know, as we go on to prove, it's like it doesn't really matter whether you have traditionally feminine or traditionally masculine hobby.
00:17:45
Speaker
It's the fact that they feel that the hobby should be an advancement of pleasing them in some way that you're doing this for them in some way.
00:17:52
Speaker
So, yeah, I mean, and they couch it under like, oh, she's just not being productive.
00:17:57
Speaker
She's lazy and wasting her time.
00:17:59
Speaker
But it's like a hobby is what is a hobby supposed to be?
00:18:02
Speaker
A hobby is supposed to be something to do for enjoyment, not for the purpose of monetization.
00:18:06
Speaker
And I think this is why a lot of people get stressed when when they have hobbies or when they don't have hobbies because they're like, oh, no, but I need to, you know, I need to make this my secondary income.
00:18:15
Speaker
I need to have multiple income streams and I need to monetize this and put my shit on Etsy.
00:18:20
Speaker
Like, no, you don't.
00:18:20
Speaker
You can be bad at it.
00:18:22
Speaker
Damn you, capitalism.
00:18:23
Speaker
I absolutely agree with you.
00:18:24
Speaker
I think I have a half-baked inchoate theory around the time-space continuum as it applies to women's hobbies and men's anger.
00:18:33
Speaker
And basically, it's interchangeable.
00:18:36
Speaker
Time and or space, it doesn't matter if you're taking up space.
00:18:39
Speaker
It doesn't matter how much time.
00:18:41
Speaker
Anything that's on the time-space continuum that is not exclusively and solely for their benefit is an affront.
00:18:47
Speaker
Right.
00:18:49
Speaker
And that's what I think we women have to really start understanding.
00:18:51
Speaker
It's like, it doesn't matter how mask you encoded or how much money you could potentially derive from this unless he's getting direct benefit from him.
00:19:00
Speaker
He used it as an affront.
00:19:03
Speaker
And so one thing that you really brought up that I appreciate so much, damn you capitalism.
00:19:08
Speaker
Not everything has to be about productivity.
00:19:10
Speaker
Not everything has to be about money.
00:19:12
Speaker
Hobbies are literally a pastime.
00:19:14
Speaker
They're a way for you to enjoy the passage of time doing something that brings you joy.
00:19:20
Speaker
And by forgetting this, by thinking that we always have to be on some sort of never-ending, what is a gerbil always walking on?
00:19:31
Speaker
The hamster wheel.
00:19:32
Speaker
The hamster wheel.
00:19:33
Speaker
Thank you.
00:19:34
Speaker
Like we're supposed to be on some never-ending hamster wheel of productivity and income generation.
00:19:40
Speaker
That is not what we were born to do.
00:19:42
Speaker
Again, I love this Native American idea that like we were born to be, we were born to be as nature is of the world, in and of the world, in and of just our own life is its own reason for being.
00:19:56
Speaker
There is nothing else that we're meant to be doing.
00:19:58
Speaker
Everything else is simply a construct.
00:20:00
Speaker
And this is something like I'm somebody who has a million hobbies because it's my way of pushing back against
00:20:05
Speaker
I had a very overbearing, remember the hateful father.
00:20:09
Speaker
And he was absolutely, unless I was like bringing in money and being super productive and coming home exhausted after a 14 hour work day, you know, he had nothing to say to me.
00:20:18
Speaker
And,
00:20:19
Speaker
So I was brought up like hyper, hyper capitalist, hyper productive.
00:20:22
Speaker
And then throughout my 20s and 30s, I gradually, you know, was coming to radical feminism.
00:20:27
Speaker
I was reading Marx.
00:20:28
Speaker
I was reading critiques of neoliberalism.
00:20:31
Speaker
And this is one of the ways in which I push back.
00:20:33
Speaker
And it's my own private revolution of like reclaiming my life, reclaiming my time.
00:20:38
Speaker
and the space I occupy.
00:20:40
Speaker
So I have a million hobbies and pastimes.
00:20:42
Speaker
I love them all.
00:20:43
Speaker
I've also really struggled.
00:20:44
Speaker
It's been a good exercise for me and learning to not have to be good at something in order to enjoy it.
00:20:50
Speaker
That's been really radical for me because I come from this very perfectionist background.
00:20:55
Speaker
So I come from like a concert pianist background.
00:20:58
Speaker
That's how that was my upbringing and my training.
00:21:01
Speaker
And I
00:21:01
Speaker
As you know, if you're a classical pianist, perfection is the name of the game.
00:21:06
Speaker
And so it's just countless.
00:21:07
Speaker
It's thousands of hours in order to ensure this one trill is just right.
00:21:13
Speaker
And that had really serious drawbacks and disadvantages to my well-being, to my health and my well-being.
00:21:20
Speaker
And so as I've gotten older, it's like, what can I do that has absolutely no benefit to anybody but myself?
Hobbies as Self-Care
00:21:26
Speaker
that has no end in and of itself, but that really is just pleasing to me.
00:21:30
Speaker
So here's an example.
00:21:31
Speaker
I love walking without purpose or end.
00:21:36
Speaker
I just want to go for a walk.
00:21:39
Speaker
And people are like, what?
00:21:41
Speaker
But like, oh, you're walking.
00:21:42
Speaker
You're like, you've got like a mileage that you want to cover or like you're trying to cover, you know, so many miles with so much time or like you've got a goal of how many.
00:21:49
Speaker
I'm like, no, I have absolutely no goal.
00:21:52
Speaker
I go out.
00:21:53
Speaker
I walk until I want to walk back home.
00:21:54
Speaker
And then I walk back home and that's it.
00:21:56
Speaker
And I just want to look at the flowers and like pet a cute dog and breathe deeply and watch the trees.
00:22:02
Speaker
And then I go home and I just feel really good because I was out in nature.
00:22:06
Speaker
That's it.
00:22:07
Speaker
And that's radical to people today.
00:22:09
Speaker
And I just think that is how far, that's how far afield we've come in our world, in our culture, that like taking a walk for a walk sake is something that people look at as kids.
00:22:21
Speaker
Like what?
00:22:22
Speaker
And I don't even bring my phone with me and people like, how can you go for a walk without your phone?
00:22:25
Speaker
What do you mean?
00:22:26
Speaker
How can I go for a walk without my phone?
00:22:28
Speaker
People have been walking for thousands of years without phones.
Historical Opposition to Women's Education
00:22:32
Speaker
Okay.
00:22:32
Speaker
I don't need a phone to take a walk.
00:22:35
Speaker
I will say though that society has always had a problem with women having hobbies.
00:22:41
Speaker
You know, we talked about like this Elle Woods effect, right?
00:22:45
Speaker
About how people will belittle women for, you know, being traditionally feminine, even though that's the expectation that they have from women in society as well.
00:22:52
Speaker
Like women are shamed for being tomboys and then they're shamed for being girly girls.
00:22:57
Speaker
You know, if you look at like, and you know, the media is littered with things like this.
00:23:00
Speaker
I remember when I watched Beauty and the Beast as a kid,
00:23:03
Speaker
Gaston, the main nemesis.
00:23:06
Speaker
The villain.
00:23:07
Speaker
The villain, yeah.
00:23:12
Speaker
I remember he points out that Bell reads books and he's like, oh, when women read books, they get ideas.
00:23:17
Speaker
And that was the whole point.
00:23:19
Speaker
That was the whole point, right?
00:23:19
Speaker
Like women, that was the reason why women were systematically kept from being educated is because they knew that if women read books, they'd have access to knowledge that men didn't feel like they should have.
00:23:29
Speaker
And that was why, you know, women who read books in like the Victorian era, Regency era, whatever, were considered like these like vile spinsters.
00:23:35
Speaker
Like Jane Austen had to publish
00:23:38
Speaker
under a secret identity because it was not befitting of a woman of her station to be public about the fact that she was writing these novels about her social class.
00:23:47
Speaker
And so they were very intentional about the fact that book reading was really for the aesthetic and it was really for an indication of upper breeding, but you weren't actually supposed to use any of the ideas you got from books to challenge men's authority in any way.
00:24:04
Speaker
Which is why even now I've noticed that, you know, when I read up, like I've never been more approached by men than when I have a book in my hand.
00:24:10
Speaker
Like I clearly don't want to talk to you.
00:24:12
Speaker
So why are you like, there could not be a bigger indicator other than big honking headphones that I do not want to talk to you.
00:24:18
Speaker
But it's because men read books like...
00:24:21
Speaker
the modern men read books for the aesthetic to like you know that this is why you'll find like a random guy out on the street with like a bell hooks novel in his hand because he's not reading that book he wants you to think he's reading that book they project a lot of what they behave like they project their own behaviors on women and assume that women have hobbies to sexually entice men yeah because again if it's not about them it doesn't exist
00:24:45
Speaker
Yep, and men also have gone to ridiculous extremes in order to basically keep women sheltered and naive.
00:24:53
Speaker
Really, the development of hobbies for men is seen as a threat because they see women developing these hobbies as an extension of their personality, and if a woman develops her personality and her intellect, she may not be interested in him.
00:25:05
Speaker
So part of it is to keep her intellectually naive and guarded so that she sees him as more of an authority figure for his intellect.
00:25:11
Speaker
And I can think actively of like the foot binding in China that happened way back when.
00:25:16
Speaker
I remember it was in Andrea Dworkin's book that they had interviewed a woman.
00:25:21
Speaker
I don't know where she, I think it was Andrea Dworkin's book at least, but she had mentioned that a woman who had had her foot bound like when she was a little kid.
00:25:29
Speaker
The rationale back in those days was that if you did that,
00:25:32
Speaker
it would affect the pelvis in some way and make it like more sexually pleasing for men.
00:25:36
Speaker
But obviously that was bullshit because there was no indication that that it did anything like that.
00:25:41
Speaker
It did change like the structure of pelvis, but it obviously was because you weren't putting your, your, your weight on your heel anymore.
00:25:47
Speaker
Right.
00:25:48
Speaker
But the real reason was because these women had to be lifted around everywhere by the men in their lives and they allowed those men to feel like big men because now they had to lift their wife, their dainty wife, and they got to feel like a guy.
00:25:59
Speaker
The other aspect of it that a lot of men admitted to was the fact that because she physically can't leave the house because she can't run, she can't go anywhere, she can't go anywhere.
00:26:07
Speaker
Yeah, she literally can't go and seek knowledge elsewhere.
00:26:10
Speaker
So she has to trust his word on what the world is like.
00:26:13
Speaker
She has to trust his, when he goes out to his work, whatever his work is, and he comes back and tells her, I was in a room full of men and they all respected me and they all applauded me because I said this, this, this.
00:26:23
Speaker
She has to take her word for it and she's going to sit there and applaud because she literally can't run.
00:26:27
Speaker
She can't run.
00:26:28
Speaker
So she has to take his word for how impressive he is and it allows him to feel like an authority.
00:26:33
Speaker
This is how far men are willing to go to prevent you from being able to have your own mind.
00:26:39
Speaker
They want a captive audience.
00:26:41
Speaker
Yep.
00:26:42
Speaker
Being, you know, they talk about like, it's like the, uh, the, the, like, basically they want to have full ownership over your mind and having a hobby means that you're cultivating interests that may not align with his interests.
00:26:54
Speaker
Also, it puts you in contact with other people, right?
00:26:57
Speaker
Um, for example, men are not that eager for women to be weightlifting, not because of the stupid bullshit reason of she'll bulk up and start looking like a man, but because traditionally weightlifting would have a lot, a lot more men.
00:27:09
Speaker
And so she's more likely to find another partner at the gym.
00:27:12
Speaker
I mean, it's so terrifying.
00:27:13
Speaker
You're absolutely right.
00:27:14
Speaker
And it's terrifying.
00:27:16
Speaker
Even I shy away from really acknowledging this full truth, which is men want complete and utter ownership over our minds.
00:27:23
Speaker
It's bad enough that they want it over our bodies, but our own minds.
00:27:27
Speaker
I mean, it's it's a slave mentality that is so degenerate, that is so depraved.
00:27:32
Speaker
Like my happy-go-lucky self really hates to think about it, how true it is.
00:27:36
Speaker
But what you were talking about led to my mind this quote from one of literature's most infamous villains, Judge Holden.
00:27:45
Speaker
from Cormac McCarthy's Blood Meridian.
00:27:48
Speaker
And this is a very famous quote of his from the book.
00:27:51
Speaker
I don't recommend people read this book.
00:27:53
Speaker
I do like Cormac McCarthy's writing, but this book is really fucking disturbing.
00:27:57
Speaker
And I think it is because he really goes into sort of the depths of depravity and injustice that men meet out amongst themselves and in the world.
00:28:06
Speaker
So what Judge Holden says is this, quote, whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.
00:28:18
Speaker
I really think this encapsulates Cormac McCarthy's philosophy on who men really are.
00:28:24
Speaker
Whatever in creation exists without my knowledge exists without my consent.
Astrology and Gender Double Standards
00:28:29
Speaker
In other words, any part of you that is not subject and beholden to them is
00:28:36
Speaker
exists without their consent.
00:28:38
Speaker
Nothing is more egregious in their eyes.
00:28:40
Speaker
And so this is why I want women to have hobbies.
00:28:42
Speaker
I'm like, get all the fucking hobbies in the world because every step you make toward a hobby is a step away from the tyranny of man.
00:28:50
Speaker
I think that's what I want our takeaway to be from this episode, Diana.
00:28:53
Speaker
Exactly.
00:28:54
Speaker
And I mean, you know, the other thing is, you know, when you look at these hobbies that men ascribe as like traditionally feminine, right?
00:29:01
Speaker
First of all, like all these men who suddenly adopted cooking were chefs, but like the women, all these women who are doing it every single day.
00:29:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:09
Speaker
They're just fulfilling their duty, right?
00:29:11
Speaker
Like they're not chefs.
00:29:13
Speaker
They're just chefs.
00:29:14
Speaker
homemakers or whatever, like they're not even given a real title.
00:29:17
Speaker
They're like, oh, this is your job.
00:29:18
Speaker
Just go and make sure the meal is ready.
00:29:20
Speaker
Make me a sandwich or whatever.
00:29:21
Speaker
Right.
00:29:22
Speaker
One of the things I want to talk about, not really a hobby, but just an interest because men get angry even at certain interests that women have, like astrology.
00:29:29
Speaker
Right.
00:29:30
Speaker
Who is astrology hurting?
00:29:32
Speaker
One of the things that, you know, I, when I started getting into astrology more than anything, just because again, even in Greek mythology, it's very interesting to see how the Greek myths influenced modern astrology, especially Western astrology.
00:29:44
Speaker
Um, I remembered that, you know, one of the tests I used to give men on these dating apps is just bring up some random astrology thing.
00:29:50
Speaker
And if they got,
00:29:52
Speaker
like crazy unhinged, like angry about it.
00:29:55
Speaker
I knew it was a ginormous red flag because it is the one like trove of knowledge that they don't have access to that they like, and let's be real men play like fantasy football.
00:30:05
Speaker
Like you're fantasizing about a fake fucking team and you're angry at me because I look at some stupid
00:30:10
Speaker
stars.
00:30:10
Speaker
Like, you know what I mean?
00:30:11
Speaker
Like we all have like stupid beliefs.
00:30:15
Speaker
You believe in like a random sky daddy who like arbitrates justice from the heavens.
00:30:20
Speaker
Like I'm not making fun of you for having ridiculous beliefs.
00:30:23
Speaker
Right.
00:30:24
Speaker
But it's like their ridiculous beliefs have more validity than yours.
00:30:28
Speaker
And so, you know, they just get angry at women for having these hobbies that again, don't center them.
00:30:33
Speaker
Right.
00:30:35
Speaker
Like, I don't even have any beef with any of the other Zodiacs, by the way, but just to like piss people off and like, oh, you're a Gemini.
00:30:41
Speaker
Like, I don't even believe in this shit, but I just say it.
00:30:44
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:30:45
Speaker
I know it annoys them.
00:30:46
Speaker
And I and I test for annoyance.
00:30:48
Speaker
I test for how easy he is to anger and annoy.
00:30:51
Speaker
And they almost always fall for it because how eager is he to learn about information that is not his own information?
00:30:58
Speaker
how eager is he to learn about knowledge that is not his own knowledge like astrology in my culture is like a big part of the culture okay i think some of these people go to the wrong astrologers that fear monger because they're gullible i'm not gonna lie but but i also feel like when it's when any spiritual practice is a tool for you to tap into your wants and needs if it helps you and it's not hurting anyone like there's no animal sacrifice there's no ritualistic human shit you're fine okay just do you that's the thing too it's like
00:31:28
Speaker
This is it's a it's a two headed coin, because of course, astrology is so awful, but psychology was taken over by
Control through Knowledge and Interests
00:31:34
Speaker
men.
00:31:34
Speaker
But what is astrology, if not like the precursor to psychology?
00:31:38
Speaker
But I mean, even looking at psychology, right?
00:31:40
Speaker
Psychology for the longest time was a field that was dominated by men.
00:31:44
Speaker
And look at what men did with psychology under the guise of science.
00:31:47
Speaker
They lobotomized women, okay?
00:31:49
Speaker
And everyone thought that was perfectly okay.
00:31:52
Speaker
You know, like back in the day when you had to fake a migraine to not have sex with your husband, they used to send you to an asylum because they thought you were crazy for not wanting to sleep with him.
00:32:02
Speaker
That was considered a perfectly good, you know, dose of like a diagnosis for a mental illness back then.
00:32:08
Speaker
The number like, you know, my personal belief is nobody should ever date a Kennedy because that family curse that they have from what they did to Roslyn, they're evil.
00:32:18
Speaker
Yeah, you know, but I mean, like men have done horrific things using science as a weapon.
00:32:24
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:32:25
Speaker
Actually, this is why the Kennedys have killed women with every generation of their men, whether it's the girlfriend or the wife or the sister of their wife or their own sister.
00:32:36
Speaker
Women have always died around the Kennedy event.
00:32:38
Speaker
Do not date them.
00:32:40
Speaker
and do not marry them.
00:32:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:41
Speaker
And I mean, I think in terms of like, what is the worst hobby you could possibly have?
00:32:46
Speaker
I honestly think that like these kinds of hobbies, like astrology or tarot, or again, they're, they're predominantly taken over by women.
00:32:54
Speaker
And I think a big part of the reason why men hate them is just because they're taken over by women, you know, which is,
00:33:00
Speaker
Which is weird because like if you look at cultures like in India and stuff like most of the astrologers are men and most of the high powered CEOs, like even in the States, from what I remember, like a lot of politicians, a lot of really higher up politicians, higher astrologers.
00:33:15
Speaker
So men do use it at a certain level, but when they use it, it makes sense for them.
00:33:19
Speaker
Because there's a strategy, you know, when we use it, it's like some frivolous bullshit.
00:33:24
Speaker
Right.
00:33:24
Speaker
And so this is, I think, a really good point is that unless it's something where we are going to them as supplicants, they want no part of it.
00:33:33
Speaker
I still remember.
00:33:33
Speaker
So I'm a sort of.
00:33:36
Speaker
self-taught autodidactic person in things beyond just piano.
00:33:40
Speaker
So I love the arts in general.
00:33:41
Speaker
I love history.
00:33:43
Speaker
I love literature and I'm a speed reader.
00:33:45
Speaker
So I really have sort of a voracious depth and breadth to the material that I look at because I'm able to get through so much so quickly.
00:33:53
Speaker
And I'll never forget how many times I've been on dates or, you know, sort of like in the courtship, early courtship rituals of getting to know one another.
00:34:00
Speaker
And I
00:34:01
Speaker
Anytime I bring something like, like a guy who says he's a cinema, a cinema file or a guy who's like, Oh yeah, I'm really into rock and roll.
00:34:08
Speaker
Well, guess what?
00:34:08
Speaker
I know a ton of shit about that.
00:34:10
Speaker
So whenever I start to actually like offer up my own thoughts, I can just see his face and body language shutting down in real time.
00:34:18
Speaker
Like he is so upset that I know that I'm not there to be taught by him about Led Zeppelin, but rather I actually know shit about Led Zeppelin that he doesn't even know.
00:34:29
Speaker
When they want to share hobbies with you, it's so they can monologue at you for like an hour straight.
00:34:34
Speaker
Exactly.
00:34:34
Speaker
And I always refuse.
00:34:35
Speaker
But that was me being very naive.
00:34:36
Speaker
I was like, oh, he must be.
00:34:37
Speaker
I bet he's really going to enjoy that we share this in common.
00:34:40
Speaker
And he'll be impressed by how much I know about it because of the depths of my passion.
00:34:44
Speaker
No, wrong.
00:34:46
Speaker
Like never got that date after that, which, again, I love your idea of like shit testing for how quickly they are to annoyance and how quickly they are to shut down.
00:34:55
Speaker
I'm telling you, even if you don't believe in astrology, like, please, women, you can use this strategy.
00:35:00
Speaker
Because even before I started, like, reading, or, like, I started reading my own charts and stuff for fun, right?
00:35:05
Speaker
I do this for my friends as well.
00:35:06
Speaker
I just do it as, like, a fun party trick.
00:35:07
Speaker
But, like, I have a friend who's into tarot.
00:35:09
Speaker
We do it for each other.
00:35:10
Speaker
But, you know, obviously, we don't make all of our major life decisions just based on this alone.
00:35:14
Speaker
Like, we... There's a lot of other factors.
00:35:16
Speaker
We just do this as a sidekick.
00:35:18
Speaker
But I will say that even if you don't believe in it, just...
00:35:22
Speaker
use it, I think, what was it called?
00:35:23
Speaker
The blood in the water test.
00:35:24
Speaker
We used to have this in the forum as well, where we used to, I think it used to be about like feed him a fake insecurity and see if he uses it against you in future.
00:35:33
Speaker
But I will say that my number one thing is to see how easily they get annoyed by what they consider a frivolous girly interest, like astrology or Barbie, or just think of the girliest thing you can think of and then just like go apeshit and talk about it.
00:35:47
Speaker
And if he gets angry and he's like, you know, boy band,
00:35:49
Speaker
Yeah, boy band, whatever it is, invent something.
00:35:53
Speaker
You know what I got so annoyed by when this year when like the, what was that movie called?
00:35:57
Speaker
It was Deadpool when Deadpool came out.
00:36:00
Speaker
All these men doing the bye-bye-bye dance.
00:36:02
Speaker
And when I was a kid and we used to listen to NSYNC and we were doing the bye-bye-bye dance, how annoying were they about telling us how stupid we were for liking all of those guys?
00:36:10
Speaker
And now they're sitting and doing that shit and be like, oh my God, millennials, so much fun.
00:36:16
Speaker
Basically, we are the arbiters of taste and they hate that.
00:36:20
Speaker
They really, yeah.
00:36:21
Speaker
Honestly, they really don't like something.
00:36:23
Speaker
They want to be the ones who get to say that something is cool.
00:36:26
Speaker
When we like it, it's corny.
00:36:27
Speaker
When they like it, it's cool.
00:36:29
Speaker
Right?
00:36:29
Speaker
So astrology in the hands of us is some frivolous, girly bullshit.
00:36:32
Speaker
And astrology in the hands of them is a science.
00:36:34
Speaker
It's a practical study of the constellations, you know?
00:36:38
Speaker
So...
00:36:40
Speaker
They have to make everything.
00:36:41
Speaker
If we have girl math, they have like boy arts or whatever.
00:36:44
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:36:45
Speaker
I know.
00:36:46
Speaker
I hate it.
00:36:47
Speaker
Gosh, it's so true.
00:36:48
Speaker
Like, how are you gendering maths?
00:36:50
Speaker
Okay.
00:36:50
Speaker
It's numbers.
00:36:52
Speaker
And this is something I find really interesting because either they must be the Kings of the castle with like tech and, and STEM and things like that.
00:36:59
Speaker
Or.
00:37:01
Speaker
On the flip side, they are the new NEETs.
Reclaiming Personal Time and Space
00:37:04
Speaker
Like they're not in education.
00:37:05
Speaker
They're not in, what does NEET stand for again, Diana?
00:37:09
Speaker
Never educated, employed, or trained.
00:37:13
Speaker
I think that might be the, yeah, I think that might be it.
00:37:16
Speaker
Yep.
00:37:16
Speaker
They're like basically shut-ins with their video games.
00:37:19
Speaker
And, you know, I thought it was so funny that you mentioned video games because I grew up with two older brothers who had the video games and who absolutely never allowed me to play with them.
00:37:29
Speaker
And who took over the TV for basically my entire childhood and adolescence until they moved out because I was the youngest.
00:37:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:36
Speaker
Um, and what that did was it actually led me to really develop my own hobbies because we lived out in the countryside.
00:37:42
Speaker
I didn't have any friends to play with.
00:37:44
Speaker
So it was like, well, my brothers have the TV and the video games.
00:37:47
Speaker
What am I going to do to occupy myself?
00:37:49
Speaker
So it was like, I'm going to go play piano.
00:37:50
Speaker
I'm going to go for walks out in the woods.
00:37:52
Speaker
I'm going to read these books that my dad has on the shelf about like the third Reich because the library was miles and miles away and I had no access to it.
00:38:00
Speaker
And so the shit I was doing was like, I have to occupy my time pastimes, right?
00:38:05
Speaker
I have to pass my time with something that like helps me avoid total insanity from like being cooped up in the middle of the country with no nothing to do.
00:38:13
Speaker
And this is where, again, I want women to push back because taking time for yourself is still a radical act in this day and age.
00:38:21
Speaker
And I would argue it's one that is really fundamental to reclaiming our status as like whole and fully realized human beings separate and apart from our jobs as women, as women.
00:38:33
Speaker
friends, as girlfriends, as daughters.
00:38:36
Speaker
Like we have so many rules, roles, excuse me.
00:38:39
Speaker
We have so many roles that were complied that are, sorry, enforced upon us.
00:38:44
Speaker
Like we're forced into compliance and we're trained and inculcated and propagandized to such an extent that we embrace them.
00:38:51
Speaker
And we think it's like what we're meant to be.
00:38:53
Speaker
And it's our life's purpose.
00:38:54
Speaker
I mean, I'll tell you, I was the most dutiful daughter that ever daughtered, right?
00:38:57
Speaker
Because that's what I thought.
00:38:59
Speaker
That's what the church told me.
00:39:00
Speaker
That's what society told me.
00:39:01
Speaker
That's what my family told me.
00:39:03
Speaker
And that actually led to the detriment of my own life because I led me away from the hobbies and also the work I could have done to set myself up more financially, but I'm taking it back at this point and I've never been happier.
00:39:16
Speaker
And so now that I have my own home and I live in it alone and I live in a major city and I'm doing very well financially.
00:39:25
Speaker
I mean, my friends are always like, well, what are you, what are you up to?
00:39:27
Speaker
I'm like, nothing.
00:39:28
Speaker
Like what'd you do this week?
00:39:29
Speaker
And I'm like,
00:39:30
Speaker
I rested.
00:39:30
Speaker
They're like, oh man, must be nice.
00:39:33
Speaker
And I'm like, yes, it's the best.
00:39:35
Speaker
It's literally the best because I'm living my life solely for myself.
00:39:38
Speaker
And I tell you, sometimes I almost get drunk on that sensation of like, wow, my life is completely my own.
00:39:45
Speaker
I have to hold myself accountable to none.
00:39:47
Speaker
And I know this might not feel to so many of the people who listen to female dating strategy.
00:39:51
Speaker
It might feel completely unrealistic.
00:39:54
Speaker
If you have an ailing parent, if you have a chronic condition, if you have children,
00:39:58
Speaker
especially children with special needs.
The Role of Parents and Childhood Hobbies
00:40:00
Speaker
Like this might all sound completely alien to you.
00:40:02
Speaker
But what I really want to, what I want to get at is that this idea of having something solely for yourself is what every human being owes themselves.
00:40:11
Speaker
You are owed this, your time on this earth is, it's a lifetime, but we don't know how long that lifetime is going to be.
00:40:17
Speaker
In fact, today is the five year anniversary of my mom's death from cancer at 79.
00:40:25
Speaker
She is the only person in her entire family
00:40:28
Speaker
ever to die from cancer and to die before she reached her nineties.
00:40:32
Speaker
Everybody else in her entire family line makes it to at least 94.
00:40:37
Speaker
And she died at 79.
00:40:38
Speaker
And I do think it's because our family sucked her dry, the hateful father and her children, her ungrateful children took and took and took and took until she literally collapsed from exhaustion and died from cancer.
00:40:51
Speaker
And this is something I don't want for any of us.
00:40:54
Speaker
My other beautiful best friend, Natalie, died from cancer at 23.
00:40:59
Speaker
She had just turned 23 a month prior.
00:41:01
Speaker
This is also the anniversary of her death.
00:41:04
Speaker
And so this is on my thoughts right now, Diana, and thank you for letting me sort of go into this aside.
00:41:09
Speaker
Because it's not just me being frivolous when I say you should go out and enjoy yourself.
00:41:13
Speaker
This is your one.
00:41:14
Speaker
This is what your one brief and precious life.
00:41:16
Speaker
It's like, no, my most beloved women, women who have been so instrumental to my growth and development, they died prematurely, probably because they let life take from them and they didn't take enough for themselves.
00:41:31
Speaker
And none of this is guaranteed.
00:41:33
Speaker
You know, I just, if there's a message we should all understand, get is that like, you need to enjoy your life.
00:41:41
Speaker
And you know what, if you are a woman that has the privilege of time, please just don't squander it because there are working class women who have to work, who do not get that time to cultivate those interests.
00:41:53
Speaker
I really appreciated my parents when I was a kid that they were so
00:41:56
Speaker
They never divided things into like a gendered way of hobbying.
00:41:59
Speaker
They weren't like, this is girl hobbies and these are boy hobbies.
00:42:03
Speaker
When I was a kid, I was very into hiking and rock climbing.
00:42:05
Speaker
I loved animals.
00:42:07
Speaker
I probably did every survivalist thing you could imagine.
00:42:10
Speaker
I can navigate on land.
00:42:11
Speaker
I can navigate on water.
00:42:12
Speaker
I can sail.
00:42:13
Speaker
I can scuba dive.
00:42:15
Speaker
I was an archer.
00:42:15
Speaker
I was a really good archer.
00:42:17
Speaker
And I was a very good shot as well.
00:42:19
Speaker
Like I was really good with guns.
00:42:21
Speaker
Like, you know, my daddy took me to a clay pigeon place once and like,
00:42:24
Speaker
I got to do a lot of these really traditionally masculine hobbies.
00:42:28
Speaker
And my dad never made me feel like less of a girl for liking those things.
00:42:32
Speaker
He always divided it as like outside time and inside time.
00:42:36
Speaker
So he's like, yes, inside time has to be with books or, you know,
00:42:40
Speaker
playing a Lego set or doing something that's inside.
00:42:44
Speaker
Sometimes we play video games together, like car racing games.
00:42:47
Speaker
Or, you know, we, once I did like, I recreated girls just want to have fun.
00:42:52
Speaker
And he was like my music video person.
00:42:53
Speaker
And I, you know, so we had to like recreate all the scenes.
00:42:56
Speaker
And like, I really liked that.
00:42:57
Speaker
My dad really went full in on like the girl dad stuff.
00:43:00
Speaker
Like he really enjoyed that.
00:43:01
Speaker
And I honestly think that when you look for partners, you should really look at someone who really embraces the fact that they get to enjoy these hobbies with you.
00:43:07
Speaker
That may not be the kinds of hobbies they get to enjoy with other men just because it's fun and just because it's something new to do.
00:43:13
Speaker
You know, we like we make we cook like new recipes together.
00:43:16
Speaker
We shot like little music videos together.
00:43:18
Speaker
He taught me a lot of stuff about photography.
00:43:21
Speaker
I did a lot of like hobbies of music.
00:43:23
Speaker
Like I learned how to play the piano.
00:43:24
Speaker
I took singing lessons.
00:43:25
Speaker
I did gymnastics like.
00:43:28
Speaker
And I remember like the funniest thing, one of the dates I had when I lived out in LA, like the guy took me to like, not a shooting, he took me to one of those like fairs where, you know, like they have like little balloons and they give you like those little rifle things and you get to like shoot like six balloons in a row.
00:43:41
Speaker
He was a terrible shot, okay?
00:43:43
Speaker
And I think he was just trying to do it to like show me what like a big man he was.
00:43:46
Speaker
And like I shot like six in a row and just looked at him and the fear in his eyes, I have to say it was very satisfying.
00:43:52
Speaker
Because honestly, I could have been one of those girls in the Olympics, you know, like you saw that guy who just none of the gear and just like shot like that is me.
00:43:59
Speaker
The guy from Turkey.
00:44:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:44:02
Speaker
Now I'm a really good shot.
00:44:04
Speaker
And I, that's what I tell people.
00:44:05
Speaker
I'm like, if you're, if you're at the end of my gun, I just have to say, if you pray to a God, you better start.
00:44:10
Speaker
So I love that.
00:44:13
Speaker
I love that he classified it as inside and outside time.
00:44:15
Speaker
And I guess that's what I would also encourage women because, you know, here's the thing is so many of our hobbies are homebound.
00:44:21
Speaker
They're domestic.
00:44:21
Speaker
And there's a good reason for that.
00:44:23
Speaker
Like every time we step out our front door, you know, nothing is, nothing is assured as far as our safety is concerned.
00:44:28
Speaker
But I think hobbies are one way in which we can start to sort of exercise, um,
00:44:32
Speaker
that tentative freedom to be out and about in the world.
00:44:34
Speaker
Exactly.
00:44:36
Speaker
And it's for your mental and physical development as well.
00:44:38
Speaker
Like part of the outside time was, you know, take time to get in touch with nature, go hiking, go rock climbing, go fishing or go playing like badminton tennis, whatever it is, something outdoors that gets your blood pumping.
00:44:50
Speaker
And then inside you can do like the reading or the sewing or whatever.
00:44:53
Speaker
Like I never traditionally liked all of these things that they pushed on women.
00:44:56
Speaker
Like we had home economics as a kid and I really hated embroidery sewing and knitting.
00:45:00
Speaker
And my mom was great at all this stuff.
00:45:02
Speaker
Like she really enjoyed, she's very, very creative, my mom.
00:45:04
Speaker
And actually my dad's very creative as well.
00:45:06
Speaker
But I just really liked that they pushed me in all avenues.
00:45:08
Speaker
They were like, you just don't have to be good at this.
00:45:10
Speaker
You can just switch.
00:45:11
Speaker
I think the only thing my dad never let me drop was combat training.
00:45:14
Speaker
Like when I took this Indian martial arts, I wanted to drop out because it was so painful to do.
00:45:19
Speaker
And the drills were so hard.
00:45:21
Speaker
And he was like, yeah, I've let you drop out of everything except this.
00:45:24
Speaker
And I was so angry with him because he just wouldn't let me drop out of it.
00:45:27
Speaker
And he's like, this is not compromise.
00:45:29
Speaker
Like I cannot compromise on you not knowing how to defend yourself.
00:45:32
Speaker
This is the only class I will ever insist that you take and like see all the way through because you know, you, you develop those like memories in your muscle, right?
00:45:40
Speaker
When somebody attacks you or tries to fight you, like it's really important for women to know some amount of self-defense, I think.
00:45:46
Speaker
Um, and so he just wouldn't let me quit.
00:45:48
Speaker
I was so mad at him at the time, but in hindsight, you know,
00:45:51
Speaker
I'm very grateful to him.
00:45:52
Speaker
And I'm also glad that he nurtured these things that were like, you know, maybe other people would have thought was improper for me to be into as well, like archery and stuff, you know?
00:46:01
Speaker
Because I really did love archery.
00:46:03
Speaker
I really thought I was a little Athena out at war back when I was a kid.
00:46:06
Speaker
Yes!
00:46:07
Speaker
I love that image.
00:46:08
Speaker
Oh my gosh, that's so precious.
00:46:09
Speaker
I want to like... Okay, so one of my goals for FDS is that we start t-shirts, okay?
00:46:15
Speaker
It's one of my private obsessions.
00:46:17
Speaker
It's not... All my friends know because I'm always like...
00:46:19
Speaker
When we have a fun or we have like a pithy expression that just comes out, I'm like, put that on a t-shirt.
00:46:24
Speaker
So for example, one little t-shirt that I want to do is from a quote of yours.
00:46:28
Speaker
I'm going around quoting you all the time, Diana.
00:46:30
Speaker
I support women's rights and I support women's wrongs.
00:46:33
Speaker
I am just enamored with this expression.
00:46:35
Speaker
And I think we need to have an FDS t-shirt with that.
00:46:38
Speaker
I wish I could say it was my quote.
00:46:39
Speaker
I definitely probably saw it on the internet somewhere.
00:46:42
Speaker
I just think I'm a very good salesman.
00:46:44
Speaker
Like I have a friend who has like an Instagram story of just like all of my quotes because I just dropped them.
00:46:49
Speaker
Okay.
00:46:49
Speaker
I'm just a zinger.
00:46:51
Speaker
See, we're zinger queens.
00:46:52
Speaker
Maybe that's how we got to these positions, these vaulted positions of FBS hosts.
00:46:57
Speaker
I think, see, honestly, honor those things, like honor your natural instincts.
00:47:01
Speaker
And also, you know, do not be with people who belittle your interests.
00:47:05
Speaker
It really just comes down to that as well.
00:47:07
Speaker
Right.
00:47:07
Speaker
Like when I was a kid, my dad never made me feel stupid for liking traditionally girly things.
00:47:12
Speaker
Like I was a very like, despite all these interests, I was a very girly girl.
00:47:15
Speaker
Like I used to hike a lot at school and I used to go on nature trails and stuff because I really loved wild animals and just loved nature.
Global Disparities in Women's Freedom
00:47:23
Speaker
But I also liked dressing up and like, you know, I was very into makeup and like I used to do the My Scene Barbie dress up thing on like the internet.
00:47:33
Speaker
I grew up in the age of Club Penguin and Neopets.
00:47:36
Speaker
So like I definitely had like a very online identity and also very offline identity.
00:47:41
Speaker
So yeah, maybe it's not inside, outside.
00:47:42
Speaker
Maybe it's online and offline.
00:47:44
Speaker
But whatever it is, get offline and like don't let men like, you know, keep you out of their spaces because men are really happy about the fact that
00:47:51
Speaker
we're spending a lot more time indoors out, like, you know, out of fear of not going outside, like go outside, bingo, do those things because you've earned that right.
00:47:58
Speaker
And there were a lot of women that fought for you to have that right.
00:48:00
Speaker
And there's still a lot of women now that don't leave, like, you know, doing things for hobbies.
00:48:04
Speaker
Like look at these women in Afghanistan.
00:48:06
Speaker
They're not even allowed to go to school.
00:48:07
Speaker
They're not allowed to leave their house.
00:48:08
Speaker
They're not allowed to leave the country.
00:48:09
Speaker
Like there are women out there who don't have even an accent.
00:48:12
Speaker
They're not allowed to sing.
00:48:14
Speaker
They're not allowed to sing, which is like,
00:48:17
Speaker
How that is the ultimate tragedy right there.
00:48:20
Speaker
Like how cruel can you be?
00:48:22
Speaker
And so if anything, like think about this as like doing it for our sisters.
00:48:26
Speaker
If you have again, if you have a hard time doing things for yourself because you're still growing that conditioning that like would have you self efface and deny and have the sort of self abnegation at every turn because we are meant to live for
Hobbies and Social Connections
00:48:39
Speaker
others.
00:48:39
Speaker
If that's something that's really deeply inculcated in you, especially if you're in the U.S., like you're coming from a religious fundamentalist background, think about it as like an act, a proxy act for our sisters in Iran and Afghanistan and Saudi Arabia and Qatar, et cetera, who are by law disbarred from any of these activities.
00:49:03
Speaker
And also, you know, a lot of people have been talking about like just the rise of loneliness.
00:49:07
Speaker
And, you know, I think I've said this in earlier episodes as well.
00:49:10
Speaker
I think a big part of why people feel a lot lonelier is because you can't substitute for in-person connection.
00:49:15
Speaker
And no matter no amount of TikToking and Redditing is going to replace the fact that sometimes you just need to have human interaction.
00:49:22
Speaker
And so hobbies are a great place to meet like-minded people because at the very least you share this hobby with them.
00:49:27
Speaker
We're not saying try to find a bestie at every hangout.
00:49:31
Speaker
But, you know, it's OK to go to a pottery class or go to like a dinner club or supper club or like a foodies night or like a, you know, a walking tour or a bike trail or something with people like these activities are very important and they're important to meet other people as well.
00:49:48
Speaker
And honestly, you know, people are always like, well, people brought this up as well as like, oh, what do we do now?
00:49:52
Speaker
Like everybody meets off the dating apps.
00:49:55
Speaker
There are still places where you can meet people and, you know, meet men specifically in hobbies.
00:50:01
Speaker
Like, obviously, you probably might not find I mean, you might find some gay men in knitting club.
00:50:05
Speaker
I will say that because I have seen a lot of gay men pull out a mean knit.
00:50:09
Speaker
But you might find more men in like, you know, hobbies that traditionally attract a lot more of the more disciplined men, you know, like woodshop or white leptics.
00:50:17
Speaker
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
00:50:19
Speaker
I was taking those classes and I was the only woman.
00:50:22
Speaker
Not that it was an uncomfortable sensation because they were all very respectful.
00:50:25
Speaker
In fact, I was afforded a lot of respect.
00:50:29
Speaker
Yeah!
00:50:29
Speaker
You know what I've noticed?
00:50:32
Speaker
Speaking about inside-outside, this is just an observation I've made.
00:50:38
Speaker
I feel like a lot more men who have inside hobbies, i.e.
00:50:41
Speaker
coding, tech, video games, they tend to be more hostile.
00:50:46
Speaker
because it encourages a level of being very antisocial.
00:50:50
Speaker
And all these tech bros and these video game guys are just so... They're desperate for... I wouldn't even say human connection.
00:50:57
Speaker
They're desperate for connection with women, but they absolutely resent them when they're in their spaces, especially really good gamers and stuff like that.
00:51:04
Speaker
But I've noticed that men who have hobbies that need a lot more discipline, i.e.
00:51:09
Speaker
And they'll argue about discipline and be like, oh, whoa, did you know how long to get an elf sword at the 2000 level in Dungeons and Dragons or whatever it is?
00:51:18
Speaker
I'm like, I don't know, man.
00:51:19
Speaker
Like, I just imagine.
00:51:20
Speaker
I don't know.
00:51:21
Speaker
I don't care.
00:51:22
Speaker
I don't know what imaginary toll you had to pay in order to get that level.
00:51:28
Speaker
But I assume it was a lot, you know.
00:51:32
Speaker
But with like, you know, people who have stuff that you have to do with your hands, like, you know, woodshop or the things where you have to build things, things where you have to construct things, things where you have to like put like an actual tension or weight to your body.
00:51:46
Speaker
Like I find that those men tend to be a little bit more disciplined and like probably a little bit
00:51:50
Speaker
better
Challenges in Gaming Communities
00:51:51
Speaker
socialized.
00:51:51
Speaker
I don't know if this is just like a person, like, I don't know if you support this perception or this hypothesis.
00:51:58
Speaker
Yeah, no, I think it's true because I like, I think you're right.
00:52:01
Speaker
I think it has, I think it's related to this offline online.
00:52:05
Speaker
I think, I think online is such a radicalized environment.
00:52:09
Speaker
as far as like our right in cell man's rights, man is fear kind of thing.
00:52:13
Speaker
So any man who is like almost exclusively online, he can't help, even if he doesn't realize it, he can't help but be radicalized because that's the algorithm for them.
00:52:22
Speaker
Okay.
00:52:23
Speaker
That's it for all of us, but especially for them, right?
00:52:25
Speaker
It targets them specifically.
00:52:27
Speaker
If you are offline, if you are somebody who likes to tinker with bicycles or
00:52:31
Speaker
or to, as you say, do woodworking, or to be in a martial arts sort of environment.
00:52:38
Speaker
These are men who are socialized because the outside world is a social world.
00:52:44
Speaker
That's where the socialization happens.
00:52:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:47
Speaker
I took a lot of Pilates and that tends to skew a lot of women.
00:52:51
Speaker
Every now and then you get a guy who's like, oh, this is bullshit.
00:52:54
Speaker
And then it's like shaking at the end of the class because he realizes that shit is hard.
00:52:58
Speaker
But I mean, you know, I had this perception of like a lot of the gym bros being
00:53:01
Speaker
actively hostile, horrible men, but in my experience, they tend to be a little bit more disciplined and focused in their goals.
00:53:07
Speaker
And they're quite encouraging of you achieving your goals in general.
00:53:10
Speaker
Like I found them to be a lot less hostile than my online spaces.
00:53:14
Speaker
Like where in a lot of games, like big part of why I don't play multiplayer games or like all of those like COD and stuff.
00:53:19
Speaker
Like I like to play these isolated games or games of strategy and even the games of strategy that get so annoyed at me when I can beat them.
00:53:24
Speaker
And I'm like, this is my thing.
00:53:26
Speaker
Okay.
00:53:26
Speaker
You cannot beat me at my thing, but,
00:53:28
Speaker
But in the games that I play to them, like I like lots of women I know have disguised their voices or just not spoken on camera because you just attract so much bullshit from them when they know that you're a girl.
00:53:37
Speaker
So but I never noticed that when I went to like the gym and stuff.
00:53:40
Speaker
I mean, I don't know if it's just they are in person.
00:53:43
Speaker
You know, they're a lot more
00:53:44
Speaker
quiet about their misogyny.
00:53:47
Speaker
Even if they're quiet about it, at least they know how to behave appropriately.
00:53:49
Speaker
I'll take that.
00:53:50
Speaker
I will take that.
00:53:51
Speaker
And this is something else you're talking about.
00:53:53
Speaker
So anthropologists refer to this as weak ties and strong ties.
00:53:57
Speaker
Like community has to have, so community is comprised of all sorts of people.
00:54:03
Speaker
uh if you're a part of a family unit those are your strong ties those are the people who are like in your immediate orbit you're gonna you're gonna answer their call in the middle of the night if they're stranded on a highway like you're hopping in your car at 3 a.m to go get them um strong ties also include like your best friends your aunts and uncles people who people who are part of your immediate orbit who you count on and love dearly those are your strong ties
00:54:28
Speaker
And then ties get weaker and weaker the farther you get.
00:54:31
Speaker
So like your grocer or your cobbler or the seamstress who fixes the hem on your pants, these are weak ties.
00:54:39
Speaker
But you're still tied to them.
00:54:41
Speaker
They're still people who are part of your orbit.
The Importance of Sociability
00:54:43
Speaker
They matter to you.
00:54:44
Speaker
And these weak ties are often, anthropologists will talk about how weak ties are really underappreciated because these are the threads that make up this kind of community and togetherness.
00:54:56
Speaker
We don't all have to be best friends.
00:54:57
Speaker
We don't all have to be sharing our deepest and darkest thoughts with one another, but having a pleasant conversation, conversation when you're at the checkout line or
00:55:05
Speaker
asking about somebody's vacation plans when you're there to pick up your laundry.
00:55:09
Speaker
Like all of this builds up and adds up to a satisfying and healthy social life.
00:55:15
Speaker
And I think that's where a lot of us have gone wrong.
00:55:17
Speaker
We've forgotten that like just the art of small talk, people are like, oh, I hate small talk.
00:55:21
Speaker
Small talk is literally the building blocks of intimacy.
00:55:24
Speaker
Okay.
00:55:24
Speaker
It is the flu that holds society down.
00:55:28
Speaker
Period.
00:55:28
Speaker
And also, if you can't handle small talk, how are you going to handle big talk?
00:55:33
Speaker
Okay.
00:55:33
Speaker
You really think if you can't even do like the small social bare minimum of like asking someone how their day is, you're going to be able to sit with them and have like a real heart to heart.
00:55:43
Speaker
Like people want to bypass the work it takes to have intimate relationships and then immediately trauma dump on the first person nearby about how their boyfriend is cheating on them and their dad is doing this and their mom is doing that and
00:55:54
Speaker
And then they wonder why they're lonely.
00:55:55
Speaker
Well, because nobody wants to deal with you because you don't have the customs of sociability.
00:56:01
Speaker
Exactly.
00:56:02
Speaker
And you come off as intense and creepy.
00:56:04
Speaker
Sorry, but this is the truth.
00:56:05
Speaker
Right.
00:56:05
Speaker
It's true.
00:56:06
Speaker
It's the truth.
00:56:07
Speaker
And so anthropologists have really examined this because they're like, how does intimacy
00:56:11
Speaker
and sociability relate to each other and what can we learn from it?
00:56:14
Speaker
So weak ties and strong ties are what they named these.
00:56:19
Speaker
But I've got this nephew who's early 20s.
00:56:21
Speaker
I think he's probably going to vote for Trump.
00:56:23
Speaker
I'm really struggling right now with him.
00:56:25
Speaker
And...
00:56:26
Speaker
He always gets annoyed when he comes to visit me because I'm very well liked and well known in the neighborhood.
00:56:32
Speaker
I'm a minor celebrity.
00:56:33
Speaker
And it's not because I've done anything amazing.
00:56:35
Speaker
It's because I have the sociability tactics down pat.
00:56:39
Speaker
Now I was modeled this by my mom.
00:56:41
Speaker
My mom was like the local holy woman.
00:56:44
Speaker
People would come to her house to visit her and like pray, have her pray with them.
00:56:47
Speaker
And wherever she went in the community, it was like, it was like a moment of communion.
00:56:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:56:52
Speaker
That was sort of how she approached me.
00:56:54
Speaker
humans in her world was like, this is an opportunity for a sacred moment of Holy communion and whatever time and energy you need for me, I'm going to give it to you.
00:57:01
Speaker
So obviously she was beloved and, um,
00:57:05
Speaker
And so that was the model for me.
00:57:06
Speaker
So it's not like I'm doing this, you know, because I've, because I have like painstakingly built these skills up on my own.
00:57:12
Speaker
No, these were modeled for me.
00:57:13
Speaker
And I remember when I was a kid, I'd get so annoyed.
00:57:15
Speaker
Like we'd go into a Joanne Fabrics and it would turn into like a half an hour deep dive with her and the seamstress, like cutting her cloth because they had to talk about like her daughter's boyfriend who was beating her.
00:57:26
Speaker
And my mom had to like be there for them.
00:57:28
Speaker
And it was just
00:57:29
Speaker
I was a kid.
00:57:29
Speaker
I was like, can we just buy this yardage and be on our way?
00:57:33
Speaker
Now I really understand.
00:57:34
Speaker
I understand what she was doing to her.
00:57:35
Speaker
That was sort of like her, her holy work on this earth.
00:57:38
Speaker
I'm not so religious based, but I am very much pro human and I'm pro human dignity and empathy and compassion and kindness.
00:57:46
Speaker
And so,
00:57:47
Speaker
if I'm at the checkout with my favorite grocer, I'm going to ask about her sister.
00:57:50
Speaker
I'm going to ask about her heart surgery.
00:57:52
Speaker
I'm going to ask about, you know, is your HVAC system working when we've got these like heat waves that could potentially be deadly.
00:57:58
Speaker
That's simply what I'm going to do.
00:57:59
Speaker
And so whenever we go out, my nephew's like, Oh my God, can it ever be simple?
00:58:03
Speaker
And I'm like, well, yeah, if I don't talk to anybody, but these people know me, they care about me.
00:58:07
Speaker
They're happy to see me.
00:58:09
Speaker
To me, it's rude and churlish to turn them away.
00:58:13
Speaker
Yeah, and I mean, people also probably want to know, like, what is a low stakes way for me to do this?
00:58:18
Speaker
I mean, the low stakes way is to just go and chit chat with someone at Trader Joe's, because I'm telling you, those people are built to be social for nothing.
00:58:26
Speaker
You go there with the intention of just buying some chips or maybe one of those like scented candles and come out without anybody paying attention to you.
00:58:33
Speaker
And now you have this whole flirtation going because they make their checkout people extremely attractive for no reason at all.
00:58:39
Speaker
And no
00:58:41
Speaker
I know what you're up to Trader Joe's.
00:58:43
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:58:44
Speaker
Like it just, it makes it easier for you to practice these skills.
00:58:47
Speaker
Just use it where you can.
00:58:48
Speaker
Like I once befriended a whole bunch of people at a lush and let me tell you, I had free things shipped from lush California to where I was out of the country just because I told them I miss some of the products.
00:59:01
Speaker
Okay.
00:59:01
Speaker
It's so true.
00:59:02
Speaker
I've got buddies at Chipotle now who will just like, sometimes they'll just give me my steak bowl.
00:59:07
Speaker
They'll give me the block for free.
00:59:08
Speaker
Okay.
00:59:09
Speaker
They will.
00:59:11
Speaker
They won't charge me for the double stake.
00:59:12
Speaker
They'll be like, oh, we won't charge you for it.
00:59:14
Speaker
It's like, oh, well, thank you so much.
00:59:16
Speaker
And it's not because I'm doing anything.
00:59:17
Speaker
And that's why they give it to you, because they know you're not doing it to get it.
00:59:22
Speaker
You're doing it that way because that's just who you are.
00:59:25
Speaker
And so this idea of go to the library, talk to the librarian.
00:59:28
Speaker
When your UPS guy, for example, it's been really hot here in my area.
00:59:33
Speaker
And so when the UPS or the FedEx guys are dropping stuff off,
00:59:36
Speaker
And they knock on my door to let me know it's delivered.
00:59:39
Speaker
I'm like, would you like some water?
00:59:40
Speaker
Do you need a glass of water?
00:59:41
Speaker
How are you doing?
00:59:43
Speaker
So many times they're so happy for just a simple glass of water.
00:59:46
Speaker
And then we have a little chit chat session.
00:59:47
Speaker
And that's it.
00:59:48
Speaker
And guess what?
00:59:48
Speaker
My packages never go missing.
00:59:50
Speaker
So it's like these are ancillary benefits.
00:59:53
Speaker
But I think the whole idea is that we have got to practice.
00:59:56
Speaker
This is a muscle process.
00:59:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:59:59
Speaker
And I mean, the objective isn't to extract free stuff from people, obviously, but like, you know, people really, really misjudge or, you know, what's the word I'm looking at?
01:00:08
Speaker
Underestimate just how much a nice word can
Friendship and Networking as Hobbies
01:00:12
Speaker
do for other people.
01:00:12
Speaker
We live in a time where everybody is really, really lonely.
01:00:16
Speaker
a lot of people you know i just saw this really wholesome thing on the internet about a 90 something year old man who befriended like a 20 something and like they had he had been there for like a lot of her milestones i don't know if he passed away anything i think he's still around but like she befriended him when she was in her early 20s and they were still friends in like her early 30s and he was he had just lost his wife and like he befriended like all of her friends and he was just like this fun elderly guy that they all used to go and
01:00:41
Speaker
hang out with and like learned a lot from, of course, you know, vet everybody.
01:00:45
Speaker
Don't just assume that because he's old, he's a sweet little, you know, not crazy person.
01:00:50
Speaker
Like, you know, whenever we give these, like this piece of advice to women, I feel like we also have to say the other end, which is like, just don't go blindly trusting people, obviously.
01:00:58
Speaker
But, you know, a lot of my relationships with these kinds, with people who I've met, like who weren't friends, who were introduced to me by another friend, were people that, you know, I saw every day, you know, while I was walking or while I was doing errands and things like that.
01:01:11
Speaker
And then it just naturally snowballed into building a friendship with them, you know?
01:01:14
Speaker
So I would see them every day and they're like, oh, do you want to come to Martha's birthday?
01:01:19
Speaker
Like we're going to have her birthday on Lush and do you want to cut the cake with us and stuff?
01:01:22
Speaker
And like, oh, do you want to go see a movie somewhere?
01:01:24
Speaker
You know, like it just kind of spiraled into invitations like that.
01:01:28
Speaker
Just because I was nice to them.
01:01:29
Speaker
You know what?
01:01:31
Speaker
You're making me think that maybe the hobby that we all need most is like making friends.
01:01:36
Speaker
Maybe that's the hobby.
01:01:38
Speaker
Yeah.
01:01:38
Speaker
That should be a full-time job more than a hobby.
01:01:40
Speaker
Honestly.
01:01:42
Speaker
And also, this is why people get really icky around the word networking.
01:01:45
Speaker
What is networking besides just making friends?
01:01:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
01:01:48
Speaker
Part of the job is just befriending people.
01:01:51
Speaker
Yes, of course people know in a business setting that you probably want something from them.
01:01:55
Speaker
nobody likes feeling that you're only there for gaining something from them and this extends to every single relationship you will have in your life nobody in your family your friend groups your relationships or your professional connections want to feel like the only reason you're there is to extract labor or money from them and so you need to learn how to actually have the social skills to be able to offer something of value to people where they're more than eager to give you what you want
01:02:18
Speaker
and willing to go out of their way for you.
01:02:19
Speaker
People are still really confused.
01:02:21
Speaker
Like people always tell me I'm a very lucky person.
01:02:22
Speaker
They're like, oh, how do you have this luck?
01:02:24
Speaker
And how are people always willing to go out of their way for you?
01:02:26
Speaker
Because there have been lots of situations where they've shared something personal with me and I've been like the friendly ear listening to them and offering them solid advice.
01:02:33
Speaker
or I've done a kindly thing for them, or I've sent them a book their way, or really small acts of kindness, which honestly were inconsequential to me at the time.
01:02:40
Speaker
I didn't even really think much about it.
01:02:42
Speaker
But every single action that I did paid forward in massive ways.
01:02:46
Speaker
Like I once befriended an elderly Korean woman on a trip to Scotland because she couldn't speak any English and I showed her around.
01:02:52
Speaker
And eight years later, she bought me tickets to come visit her in Korea and showed me around her town and like took me to like five different restaurants.
01:03:00
Speaker
I was so stuffed that entire week.
01:03:02
Speaker
She made me my favorite meal.
01:03:04
Speaker
She took me to a bakery, like all because I took her out one time in Scotland, showed her around when she was feeling vulnerable because she couldn't speak the language.
01:03:12
Speaker
And I never, you know, it's not like I anticipated or wanted this from her.
01:03:15
Speaker
She just did it.
01:03:17
Speaker
You know, I'm not saying do this with the intention of getting stuff back from people, but like it doesn't ever hurt to be nice to people.
01:03:23
Speaker
Honestly.
Manners and Generosity in Social Interactions
01:03:24
Speaker
Kindness costs nothing.
01:03:26
Speaker
Kindness is free.
01:03:27
Speaker
And, you know, I think this is something we talked about.
01:03:29
Speaker
Didn't you tell me before?
01:03:30
Speaker
And I was like, oh my gosh, me too.
01:03:32
Speaker
That we both like to send cards like handwritten notes to people.
01:03:35
Speaker
Yeah.
01:03:36
Speaker
And I think this is part of this like older practice of, of sociability of socialization.
01:03:41
Speaker
Like it's, it's such a minor thing.
01:03:43
Speaker
It takes me maybe a minute to, to write off a little note and then to put it, to post it.
01:03:47
Speaker
But like you say, the riches that I have been blessed with, my therapist always says, she's like manna from heaven rose.
01:03:54
Speaker
I've never seen anybody who gets such manna from heaven.
01:03:56
Speaker
And it's like, I think it's just because I'm nice to people.
01:03:59
Speaker
I'm not doing it with this aim.
01:04:01
Speaker
in mind.
01:04:01
Speaker
It's simply, I love human beings.
01:04:03
Speaker
I really feel deeply for us.
01:04:04
Speaker
I think we're all in a really difficult place right now in this, in this earth, in this political time.
01:04:10
Speaker
And this point of history.
01:04:12
Speaker
And so it's like wherever I can be kind, you're damn right.
01:04:14
Speaker
I'm going to show up and be kind.
01:04:16
Speaker
And like, like Diana is saying, the rewards have been unimaginable and it's not even why I did it.
01:04:21
Speaker
But I think this is, this is the other part of like, people are lonely and when they're lonely, they're not realizing how much they're missing out on as far as like the rewards for just being a people person, right?
01:04:32
Speaker
People like people, people.
01:04:34
Speaker
Small things matter.
01:04:35
Speaker
I think people really overestimate just how much people think of you differently because you did a tiny thing.
01:04:41
Speaker
Just because I wrote handwritten letters or just because, you know, when I came to someone's house for a dinner invitation, like my dad always taught me to never cross someone's threshold without bringing something, flowers, chocolates, wine, whatever.
01:04:52
Speaker
These were basic manners.
01:04:54
Speaker
You never come empty handed.
01:04:56
Speaker
Yes.
01:04:56
Speaker
Yeah.
01:04:57
Speaker
Manners maketh men and, you know, manners basically help women a lot, too, you know, and people have forgotten basic manners.
01:05:04
Speaker
And I feel like, you know, like I would never go to someone's birthday party without bringing a gift.
01:05:08
Speaker
I don't care if they say don't bring gifts like I will shove it under their pillow and they just have to deal with it later.
01:05:12
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
01:05:14
Speaker
I'll hide it when I get there.
01:05:17
Speaker
It's against my personal, you know, principles to do that.
01:05:20
Speaker
Like, even if I, even if they're like, you can't buy me anything, like, I'll be like, well, okay, fine.
01:05:24
Speaker
I bound it in my garden or whatever.
01:05:26
Speaker
You know what I mean?
01:05:27
Speaker
Like, I, how dare you try to change my values?
01:05:31
Speaker
That's right.
Criticism of 'Horse Girls'
01:05:32
Speaker
That's right.
01:05:33
Speaker
Well, listen, I know we,
01:05:34
Speaker
This is such a fun topic of conversation.
01:05:36
Speaker
And we didn't even get into like horse girls, which was something I wanted to talk about because like there's a unique vitriol reserve for horse girls.
01:05:41
Speaker
And I think it's because it's a very expensive hobby.
01:05:44
Speaker
And again, men are like, if you're not spending that money on me, it's money misspent.
01:05:48
Speaker
But this is, I think, about where we're going to have to wrap it up.
01:05:50
Speaker
We're coming up to the end of our time.
01:05:52
Speaker
Diana, are there any final thoughts that you'd like to offer?
01:05:56
Speaker
Uh, scrotes die mad.
01:05:58
Speaker
Die mad.
01:06:00
Speaker
And we'll talk to you next week.
01:06:01
Speaker
Thanks, everybody.