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Dating and Sex While Trans/Nonbinary Part 1
64 Plays16 hours ago
Today we are joined by psychologist Valerie to discuss advice on dating and having sex while trans and/or nonbinary. We cover topics like gender dysphoria, how to have open conversations with partners, and more. Come back for part 2!
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Transcript
Introduction to Podcast Theme
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Fun With Sex podcast. I'm your host Natalie and today I have a very special guest Valerie on to discuss dating and having sex while being trans or non-binary.
00:00:18
Speaker
So I'm so excited for this episode. It's such an important topic right now. so I'm so excited to have you on
Guest Introduction: Dr. Valerie Velarde
00:00:25
Speaker
Valerie. Do you want to go ahead and introduce he yourself? Yeah, sure. it's so Welcome to meet you and to be on this podcast.
00:00:35
Speaker
um I'm Dr. Valerie Velarde. am a ah clinical psychologist ah here in Chicago, but a more fun or useful term I like to use is I am a guide for our queer and trans community here.
00:00:49
Speaker
um i also love working with the kink and poly communities as well. um both as an educator role and also as a therapist. um And, you know, by night, I'm also a cat mom and a partner and a night dweller.
00:01:07
Speaker
I love that. I am also a cat mom and night dweller as well. Yeah. Love it. All right.
The Importance of Validating Trans Experiences
00:01:17
Speaker
So yeah, like I said, today's topic is so important. um I want it to really be an episode that,
00:01:25
Speaker
It's validating for people with their experiences. It's educational, especially if you're someone where you're new to transitioning and, you know, you want to figure out what's going on what feels best, what feels most of affirming.
00:01:39
Speaker
So I think this will be really helpful, um especially because, you know, that's the whole point of the show is sex and dating. It's not always easy, no matter who you are. So we're just here to kind of help you work through any barriers, give some helpful advice and give some good affirmation too.
Understanding Gender Dysphoria
00:01:58
Speaker
so getting into our first topic, I think it would be helpful to have just kind of a basis definition of gender dysphoria since it's something that, you know, will be affecting sex and dating so much for these groups. so Valerie, do you want to start off by telling us what gender dysphoria is?
00:02:19
Speaker
Sure, absolutely. And something I want to name kind of at the outset is that the clinical definition or the definition you're probably going to come and discuss with a therapist, right, is pretty limited and clinical and is not always indicative of like what people experience as gender dysphoria.
00:02:41
Speaker
So if people are looking for gender affirming care, etc, the definition that we always go by, right, is that someone's experiencing an incongruence between their assigned sex at birth, which in our society is male or female, right?
00:02:58
Speaker
um And then their gender identity, which could be male, female, non-binary. We know that now we have an alphabet soup of identities, right? And so traditionally, the definition is very binary, kind of from one gender to the other.
00:03:13
Speaker
um And now we know, and I think that the acceptance and the openness around it so much more that that kind of binary understanding is not how people experience dysphoria. it can be very multifaceted and kind of entail all sorts of feelings that are not necessarily, i don't want to be a man or I don't want to be a woman.
00:03:32
Speaker
um But I always let people know kind of at the gate that, you know, I will diagnose them or name gender dysphoria, even if it doesn't look like that kind of really rigid definition.
00:03:44
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. um i think that's a very important point to make is that there is a medical definition. um But like you said, it's not something that can easily fit in a box.
00:03:56
Speaker
So you may experience it in many different ways outside of that definition.
Gender Dysphoria and Dating
00:04:01
Speaker
um So when it comes to gender dysphoria, how would you say that may affect dating while being trans or non-binary? Yeah, yeah, I think, you know,
00:04:15
Speaker
ah things that I think outsiders, right, are like, wow, we have a lot of focus around terminology and communication and, like, how we discuss something, right? And, too, I think that that is kind of the pinnacle piece at which, like, when we're approaching dating, Truly anybody right but certainly the queer and trans community and the non binary community is like, what kind of terminology, what is the language that we're willing to kind of agree on each other with.
00:04:43
Speaker
So you know that includes pronouns etc right but we're also talking about how we approach our body, how we approach shopping.
Advantages of Being Genderqueer
00:04:52
Speaker
yeah how we kind of navigate our lives and so I think kind of at the outset wanting to kind of have open discussions with people right and knowing that in reality we are asking people or wanting people inviting them into deeper conversations about how we like talk about dating specifically yeah 100% and I think that's really one of like
00:05:17
Speaker
the beautiful silver linings of being genderqueer, even being queer as well, is you are kind of, you know, we live in a society that gives us such strict scripts to adhere to when it comes to gender norms. um And, you know, it's, I always just honestly kind of feel bad when I look at cishet people and how they are so stuck in these boxes.
00:05:41
Speaker
yeah they just can't get out of um so yeah really just approaching things from an open place really trying to be your most authentic self and bringing up those conversations about hey this is what feels most affirming to me this is the language I prefer this is the rhetoric I prefer things like that um And with all of what you said, it really just leads to a healthier dynamic in the end.
00:06:10
Speaker
So that's something super awesome. Yeah. Yeah. The level of authenticity we all have to navigate as like trans or non-binary people is something that's like we have to. And also i hope everybody kind of approaches dating and themselves that way too.
00:06:28
Speaker
Exactly.
Advice for Early Transitioners
00:06:30
Speaker
So now when it comes to transitioning, you know, this is of course a fluid process. It's not just a one-and-done thing. um you may learn things about yourself, what feels best to you for many, many years to come and throughout your entire life as well.
00:06:48
Speaker
um But when it comes to being in the beginning, is there any particular advice you'd have for someone about what they should ask for or advocate for when they're dating someone.
00:07:02
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, being at the beginning of your transition, whether you're, like, new to dating or dating or in relationships, right, it's a really... um again, profoundly vulnerable, and it can be a difficult spot. um I've worked with a lot of couples coming into couples therapy, right, where one partner has
Navigating Relationships During Transition
00:07:24
Speaker
decided to come out as trans, etc, right. And so I think that, again, and this advice is like, for anyone going through kind of a moment of transition, right, is that we need to be
00:07:38
Speaker
open and acknowledge and accept what's truly going on what emotional reactions are coming up, right? And i think for folks who are new to the process, right, like finding confidants or folks that you can talk about these issues with is really important, right? It can be a therapist, doesn't always have to be.
00:07:59
Speaker
um But I think what's difficult, and maybe particularly this is for folks who are cis, who their partners come out as non-binary or trans, right? that There can be difficult feelings or like, wow, I thought the relationship was this way, or perhaps, hey, I identified this way, and now my partner is gender is changing etc right and so i think some radical honesty right around like what's coming up is really important um and that includes being aware of like your biases and this goes both directions right i i we've seen quite a huge influx of young trans people coming to us for gender assessments um really like 18 to 21 so like really young and most of them are on social media
00:08:47
Speaker
And so they have like a very particular idea about what the dolls are or what the T-boys look like. And they can get really caught up in that. Right. And so it's helpful to kind of really understand, like, what am I looking to get out of this? And what kind of support do I need? Right.
00:09:05
Speaker
And there's a really kind of significant, um, There's multiple kind of significant avenues that people have to deal with when transitioning. And I think the narrative makes such that medical transition can feel sometimes easier. And that's not global, right? But there's more answers there. Whereas social transition and navigating, being different, using different names, essentially, can be really difficult for people. And so reaching out for that support is huge. Yeah.
00:09:37
Speaker
Yeah,
The Role of Supportive Partners and Friends
00:09:38
Speaker
100%. And like, you know, something I'd say for cis people where, you know, you're dating someone who's trans or non-binary, or maybe you're in a relationship and somebody came out is, as the partner, be that person's biggest advocate, you know? Yes.
00:09:55
Speaker
Celebrate, same thing for friendships as well, which are very important in life. Celebrate those wins, celebrate, you know, their discovery and their journey.
00:10:06
Speaker
um try to learn as much as possible. And like we've been saying, have those open conversations so you can learn what's most affirming to that person. And, you know, I like how you said it goes both ways, too, about making assumptions, you know, with social media, you do not have to fit into any particular box, any particular you know, aesthetic, visualization, anything like that to be valid in your trans or non-binary identity.
00:10:39
Speaker
um So yeah, it's all about your journey and doing what's best for you. So definitely don't try to fit yourself into that box.
Changes in Sex and Intimacy During Transition
00:10:49
Speaker
yeah um But yeah, so like we've been talking about with transitioning, it is a journey. so Things may look different pre and post transition, um emotionally and physically.
00:11:03
Speaker
Things are going to be changing. You're going to be having realizations about yourself. um So, you know, whether you transition medically or not, doesn't matter. There are going to be changes and there's going to be realizations.
00:11:18
Speaker
But with that means that sex may look a little different. So Valerie, what advice would you give to these groups about how to handle changes that may affect sex, whether they be physical or mental.
00:11:32
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. And, you know, I think something to keep in mind and something I ah hold with clients a lot, right, is like gender dysphoria is a ah very real like mental health concern. And it's incredibly daunting and destructive to particularly sex and relationships and to what I think I've found working with trans folks at different stages, right?
00:11:57
Speaker
from the beginning to also meeting people who have been transitioning for a very long time is that some of the issues and concerns, either via gender or just mental health stuff in general, because being LGBTQ,
00:12:13
Speaker
most people, if not all of us have like some level of trauma, right. And so I think what we often have to work through with clients is like, oh, I thought that if I transitioned, if I was able to access more joy or community, etc, right, that like some of this some of these issues some of my insecurities around sex and intimacy would disappear and like unfortunately that's just like not the case right so there's like some mourning around that and just like hey it's okay that like these things still exist even if we like feel better right and so definitely want to kind of
00:12:51
Speaker
In a way, like reality test with folks, right, where it's like, okay, like, where were we at, in terms of body image in terms of sexual concerns? And where are we at now? And I love what you said around like celebrating, right? Because like, no matter what, and no matter what still exists around the issues, it's like there is movement around that, right? Yeah.
00:13:10
Speaker
um Sex and intimacy are, again, like, I think where people can continue to struggle the most because it's, like, the most vulnerable and beautiful thing we can, like, do with other people, right, though.
00:13:23
Speaker
And I think something that is difficult for folks when they first begin transitioning is that... erogenous zones, things that you may have found pleasurable in the past, either like physical touch or intimacies, right, can start to shift by way of like, our bodies literally changing the demographics of it, and also to the way in which you want to like be approached, right.
00:13:47
Speaker
And so these are, again, conversations to bring to a therapist to bring to somebody who might be able to help you, right. Because I think that people are often daunted and there is a lot of body trauma, right? So to tell somebody, hey, like, figure out what feels good on yourself can be like pretty
Managing Dysphoria During Intimacy
00:14:08
Speaker
nerve wracking. But with a trusted lover or with, you know, a somatic therapist, you can start to figure out like, okay, like what is shifted? what do I actually like? now and how do I want to navigate kind of this new body which is both very exciting but again with levels of trauma probably there it can be anxiety provoking and that's totally okay yeah definitely um you know like we said like there's a lot to learn and experience and figure out so that's totally understandable if you do have anxiety surrounding it if it feels a bit daunting um but what would you say Valerie
00:14:48
Speaker
someone should do ah they are feeling dysphoric during an experience. Sure. Yeah, I really love this question. and it drives home the point that like, ah especially this is like, this is advice for everybody, right?
00:15:06
Speaker
The second we recognize that we are uncomfortable, or the vibe is shifted, something's off, we really want to pause that encounter.
00:15:19
Speaker
And it's easier said than done. Couples come back to me every week and they're like, I know I was supposed to stop and I couldn't or I felt bad, like whatever it may be. Right.
00:15:31
Speaker
And it's understandable again, because like you said, the the narratives that we come in sex and relationships with people think that. We should be happy that we should play along, and enjoy it, especially anybody who is socialized as girls. We are just so used to performing during sex, right?
00:15:50
Speaker
And so, so much of the work and much of the healing work is like, hey, if we're uncomfortable in an encounter, pause it right? Ideally, it's safe enough that everybody included pauses with you, right? That we can really sit down.
00:16:06
Speaker
And I think there's layers to this, right? If it's just kind of a brief moment of like, oh, you touched that part. I don't like you to, you know, naming it, moving on, right? But if you're finding yourself really emotionally dysregulated, i also usually hear this as termed like, I'm getting in my head kind of thing. People talk about that a lot in sex.
00:16:29
Speaker
The moment that's happening, right? We pause And kind of do a body scan or some other understanding of like, okay what's what's going on, right? we're able to communicate that with our partner and receive some care around it, that would be the goal, right?
00:16:45
Speaker
Sometimes people do have to do a full reset and I try to normalize. It's like, if you just got so out of your head, so triggered that you need to put your clothes back on, you need to take a break, go for a walk, Right. All of that is perfectly acceptable.
00:16:59
Speaker
But it's certainly stuff that I enjoy doing in therapy with folks. Right. It's like when we get triggered during an encounter, when something happens, it's kicking up dysphoria, discomfort. Right. How can we make sure that we allow ourselves and trust ourselves to pause the encounter, figure out what's going on and then either reengage in the activity or say, hey, this is not working out for me and move on.
00:17:24
Speaker
Yeah, I absolutely love that approach. um It's so important to be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace and try to unpack, you know, feeling guilt surrounding needing to pause.
00:17:38
Speaker
um Because in so many different demographics, this is, I mean, it's important for everyone. Sadly, it's just not talked about enough.
Approaching Sexual Experiences as Learning Opportunities
00:17:47
Speaker
um yeah If your trauma is getting triggered, if your dysphoria is getting triggered,
00:17:52
Speaker
really take care of he yourself in that moment and take that pause, do the body scan, try to get back into feeling okay. um Like you said, maybe you can take a walk, take a water break, put on like a comfort show that'll kind of distract you um and help you get into that positive headspace again.
00:18:15
Speaker
And again, it's like, I think that's kind of the thing when it comes to sex, either feeling sexual shame or frustrated that an experience didn't go the way you wanted it to, there is so, so much opportunity to just try again.
00:18:34
Speaker
So everything is a learning experience. Everything is going to help you learn more about yourself and your preferences. um So, you know, try to not beat yourself off and give yourself grace and remember that You're helping yourself learn. You're helping yourself grow. And it isn't always going to be this way.
00:18:55
Speaker
Every time that happens and you work through it, you are just going to keep working and working until you get even more comfortable in yourself. So at it. about it Yeah, yeah, i love that.
Self-Soothing Techniques for Emotional Regulation
00:19:08
Speaker
That's so true. And there's like no shame in like, what you need for self soothing, right? Like some people need stuffed animals. Sometimes it is like, I need to be bear hugged, or you know, there's so many ways to self soothe. And so I always encourage people, it's like, engage the five senses. Like, when we talk about emotional regulation, or self soothing, we are talking about our senses, right? And so that's where we should turn to. when we're feeling that way.