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The Reality of Dom/Domme sub Dynamics
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On today's episode of the Fun with Sex Podcast, we're covering the reality of Dom/Domme sub dynamics. Today we're speaking with Kitt about common themes in BDSM dynamics, how to practice in a healthy way, and more!
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Welcome
00:00:00
Speaker
Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Fun With Sex podcast. So today I'm here with a very special guest, Kit, and we're going to be discussing the reality of dom-sub dynamics coming from the perspective of two subs. so welcome on, Kit. Do you want to give a little intro?
00:00:21
Speaker
Yeah. Hi, I'm Kit, they, them, um and I'm in a owner object-based dynamic where I take the role as toy and my dom is my owner. Awesome.
00:00:32
Speaker
And I'm so excited for today's episode because I think we'll have some really interesting perspectives kind of coming from the perspective as two subs, which I think is so important because when we got into a lot of different misconceptions, um we'll really be able to get that perspective of what it's really like being a sub.
00:00:52
Speaker
um And also just having like two different dynamic perspectives because we're both in differing dynamics. um So we can really get into what the realities look like coming from different perspectives because, of course, every dynamic is unique.
00:01:08
Speaker
So I'll start off just kind of getting into my background.
Exploring Personal Dynamics
00:01:12
Speaker
So I've been with my partner who's my dom for about six years. um We both had an interest in kink very early on, um you know, had an interest in impact play, um kind of played around with that, had an interest in the idea of power dynamics.
00:01:31
Speaker
But it wasn't until 2022 when we moved into our own place that we could really explore the idea of a 24-7 dynamic and taking it outside of the bedroom. Because before then, we had roommates.
00:01:43
Speaker
Yeah. It's kind of like a little bit difficult to be like, get on your knees when there's some guy in the living room, you know? um So yeah, 2022, we first started getting into a twenty four seven dynamic. um And then kind of as time went on, we figured out our exact roles of him gravitating towards being a daddy.
00:02:06
Speaker
and me gravitating towards being a little. And that's kind of shaped and influenced our dynamic now. um So yeah, that's a little bit about me and my background. Do you want to kind of go over yours, Kit?
00:02:18
Speaker
Yeah. So um I've been in my relationship for a little over three years. um When we met, he had a lot of experience in kink and DS and dynamic, um which was really nice because then once we developed trust, I could really...
00:02:35
Speaker
let go and know that we were playing safely. um About a year in, we started establishing rules outside of just playtime um that built into a 24-7 dynamic and we don't live together.
00:02:50
Speaker
So a lot of the rules um end up being about how I take care of myself outside of time where he's there. It's really about um providing structure to support um And one of the things I really love is that i ended up asking him to like write our rules down.
00:03:07
Speaker
um And I joke that this is an IEP for my ADHD that I know exactly what is expected. um and it surprised me a little bit, some of the things he put in there, um because it was things like, when you're struggling, you have to tell me.
00:03:23
Speaker
Yeah. And you have to eat two meals a day and drink water. And I just felt so cared for from those little things. that are like completely non-sexual. Yeah.
00:03:34
Speaker
um And it's just been really lovely. Yeah.
Addressing Misconceptions in Dom-Sub Dynamics
00:03:38
Speaker
That's what I love about 24 seven dynamics is I think sometimes people go off of the media representations, like 50 shades of gray. they think, they think it's like this really intense thing all the time, but sometimes your rules are just simply like,
00:03:55
Speaker
I've had ones before that are like, do 10 minutes of reading. And it's like, yeah, that's something that's really good for me that I would love to be doing anyways. um Having three meals a day, drinking water, getting enough sleep.
00:04:07
Speaker
So it's a really beautiful way to show you care. um So getting into our next topic, we're going to give a little bit of an overview about the different archetypes.
00:04:19
Speaker
um Of course, this is not an all-inclusive list. There are so many different types. There's also so many different ways you can go about it. Every person and dynamic is unique, so truly no two dynamics will look alike.
00:04:34
Speaker
um But this will just kind of give you a little taste of you know, what you might see out there. And if you're somebody who's interested, and you're not really sure what's my sub style, what's my dom style, this can kind of, you know, pique your interest and see what sticks out to you.
00:04:51
Speaker
So the first one I'm going to go over is the master servant dynamic. So it's exactly like it sounds, the dom is a master, the sub is the servant.
00:05:03
Speaker
So it's a very service oriented role. um a lot of how they will be getting punishments versus rewards is surrounding the idea of service, of what you are doing for your dom. I mean, i love the idea of this. Like with everything, yes, I'm in a DDLG dynamic, but I definitely love to take little taste from different types of dynamics.
00:05:28
Speaker
um So this may be someone where it's like, okay, your task is to clean the house, but did you clean it up to my standards? I'm going to be checking. And if things aren't up to my standards, there'll be a punishment.
00:05:40
Speaker
So it's super fun in that way. and then we have key holder dynamics. So this is a lot to do with the idea of chastity and controlling when this person can orgasm when they cannot when they can touch themselves. um You may see people with full-on chastity belts and um And yeah, orgasm control, always fun.
00:06:04
Speaker
So this is a fun one. um and then we DDLG, as I was discussing with mine. So the general term would be a caregiver little dynamic.
00:06:16
Speaker
um So this is really the dom is taking on that caregiver or parental role. So they're showing a lot of care. They're providing a lot of structure um They're doing things to help you learn and grow.
00:06:31
Speaker
and of course, like a parent, they may punish you if you're not doing something that you should be or if your behaviors aren't in line with what you agreed um But you may also see a lot of rewards in this dynamic with them being a little. um And often in these dynamics, the little will engage in age play.
00:06:51
Speaker
Not always, but it's definitely, you know, a very popular thing and that type of dynamic. And then we also have pet play dynamics. These are super fun. The sub will take on the role of a pet, such as a cat, dog, pony, or the common ones.
00:07:09
Speaker
And then the dom acts as more of an owner. So this is where you'll see people with, you know, fun toys like cages or dog bowls.
00:07:20
Speaker
um You'll even see people who do pony play, maybe pull their dom in a carriage. That's a super fun thing to do. So yeah, this is just an overview of a few of the most popular ones.
00:07:32
Speaker
But Kit, do you want to share a little bit about any dynamics you've experienced or have more knowledge on?
Understanding Different Archetypes
00:07:39
Speaker
Yeah. So I'm in a owner object dynamic. When we started exploring this, I knew i wanted to sort of be able to let go and not be a person, like turn my brain off.
00:07:50
Speaker
um I settled on the title of toy being really gender neutral feeling to me, more so than like doll, which I think is pretty often used in owner object.
00:08:02
Speaker
um And like, I also knew I wasn't a pet exactly, but we do pull a lot of different elements from dynamics listed. So I do a lot of service stuff as well as we've played in chastity and we play in a lot of training.
00:08:21
Speaker
The idea being that he's sort of customizing me to his exact liking and um, I love he says I'm his prized possession, I think is so cute and sweet.
00:08:36
Speaker
um But yeah, the beautiful thing about kink is like you're building or dynamic is that you're building it together. And so it like morphs and changes as you grow and explore where you want it to go together.
00:08:48
Speaker
And so you can always like branch off into new different ah types of play. Yeah, I love that. I think that sounds like such a fulfilling dynamic. I love the idea of being...
00:09:00
Speaker
objectified and feeling like an object for them to use. I love the idea of the gender neutral toy term. um We definitely love to use that one in the bedroom as well. Toy, an object, all that sort of fun stuff.
00:09:16
Speaker
um So yeah, that's really cool. Sounds like a super fun dynamic. So i think the biggest thing to note with dynamics, like we were saying, there's a lot of ways people get it wrong where I think people who aren't first on BDSM think that, you know, oh my God, how is this healthy? One person has all the control.
00:09:38
Speaker
The other person is just doing whatever they say. This sounds abusive. um But it's really the exact opposite. And the key term to understand here is the idea of power exchange.
00:09:53
Speaker
So you cannot have a true power exchange unless somebody is willingly consenting to yielding their power over to you.
00:10:04
Speaker
So you can't give your power unless you already hold power. So if somebody is in abusive relationship, like people are uneducated may think it seems like they're not willingly giving their power, they're not willingly consenting to this.
00:10:22
Speaker
Somebody is just taking control and taking their power away. um And when it comes to the concept of control, it's all... The idea of control is all about care for the sub.
00:10:36
Speaker
So that's the really key thing to remember here is that this person is taking control because like you said, I want to turn my brain off. You know, you'll hear about so many people where it's like, oh, my day-to-day life is so stressful. So it's nice to just be able to turn my brain off and let somebody else take control.
00:10:56
Speaker
um And really it's about this idea of doing what's best for the sub. So showing care for them by putting rules in place so they do what best what's best for them, by punishing them if they do something that's not good for them, by rewarding them if they're doing good things. So everything comes from care for the sub and wanting the sub to live a good life, be the best version of themselves, and and of course experience pleasure from this dynamic.
00:11:29
Speaker
So Kit, what would you say healthy control versus unhealthy control looks like? And what would you say some red flags are to look out
Identifying Red Flags and Accommodations
00:11:38
Speaker
for? So the biggest red flag is obviously if you ever feel unable to safe word.
00:11:44
Speaker
Dynamic is like a lot, like all other kink, the sub in reality holds the power because you can always say for out of the situation. um you always want to be able to step outside of the dynamic to discuss the dynamic and be able to like talk about it on evil even footing um and get both perspectives to move forward.
00:12:06
Speaker
That's where you're going to be healthiest in building this together. um It shouldn't be about just like applying rules to feel powerful. um If your dom is like applying rules that isolate you from your community, that's a huge red flag always.
00:12:25
Speaker
um And it should also accommodate your health. A lot of people in kink have disabilities. And so there's like always the idea of what you're doing kink wise versus the reality of what you physically can perform.
00:12:41
Speaker
um And sometimes you have to level set on those things as well. And so you have to be able to talk about that and not push yourself to the point where you're gonna hurt yourself. And your dom should of course never be pushing you to the point where you're gonna hurt yourself either.
00:12:56
Speaker
um Healthy control is support. You are providing structure to help your sub um achieve goals, keep themselves healthy, push towards mutual sexual satisfaction, but also, uh, like life goals.
00:13:14
Speaker
Um, and yeah, my dynamic with my owner has always felt like something we were building together, even though like he is in charge, but it's because I've given away that autonomy, um, very actively.
00:13:31
Speaker
and ah
00:13:37
Speaker
Yeah, it's you should always feel safe to disagree and ah step outside of the dynamic to have those like more serious conversations. Yeah, and I love what you mentioned about health and safety as well, because I'm in a free use dynamic and I love it It's worked so well for me. But I think a big thing that people who maybe aren't in that don't fully understand is it's, of course, dependent on your health and ability to do that.
00:14:09
Speaker
If I am sick, have the flu, obviously we're not really going to be in a free use space. And it definitely comes into play with me having bipolar as well.
00:14:20
Speaker
There's just going to be certain times where, you know, my dom at this point after six years knows like this isn't a good time to practice the free use or will check in with me and be like, how are you feeling about sex right now?
00:14:35
Speaker
um So yeah, that's something they should be doing, of course, is like, they're not going to tell you, you need to scrub the whole house top to bottom if you're like, literally sick with COVID or something, you know? um Similarly, I have some disabilities it's like, sometimes i In my head, I'm like, yes, I would love to perform these acts of service for you, but in reality, I can't. And so it's finding that balance and a good dom will recognize that and you'll have, you know, talked about your limits and where you're at in advance so that they are accidentally pushing you too far. um
00:15:15
Speaker
And communication is just always key. Being able to step in and be like, in reality, as much as I want to perform service acts for you, can't right now. Yeah, and you can totally pivot in those situations as well to your task instead of something that's going to be energy depleting can be self-care.
00:15:35
Speaker
Your task is, you know, go color on the couch for x amount of time, go do a meditation, go do, you know, whatever. Yes, whatever your self-care is. So you can still definitely work around things and still have a lot of fun.
00:15:52
Speaker
So getting into that idea of rules, like we've been touching on whether you're inside or outside of the bedroom, um rules are a really fun way to yield that control.
00:16:04
Speaker
um It gives you you know a reason to be punished, a reason to be awarded. um And it really kind of helps build that dynamic where the dom is in control and you are the one yielding that power. And then if you fail, you got punished.
00:16:20
Speaker
If you do good, you can get rewarded. and of course, this may differ depending on what your sub-style is, what things you enjoy, what level of intensity you want your punishment to be. Of course, there's some people where they only really like to do punishments where, you know, it's something they still enjoy. But if you're doing more of a 24-7 dynamic, typically people try to find punishments that you don't enjoy.
00:16:48
Speaker
Because I'm that person where I enjoy spanking and impact and things like that too much for that to be a real punishment. um Because and then I'm just going to become a brat and I'm just going to act out to get what I want.
00:17:00
Speaker
And that doesn't work with my dom. So Kit, why would you say rules are important in a DS dynamic?
Rules and Punishments in Dynamics
00:17:08
Speaker
Yeah, they established a shared expectation.
00:17:11
Speaker
As neurodivergent person, I love having the rules because it gives me the script to go by. i know exactly what to expect, how to perform in order to be rewarded, um and how to perform if I were to want to get punished. you know i know exactly how to get that too for doing punishment style things.
00:17:30
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And then i think a big thing with rules as well that the media kind of gets wrong when we're thinking of like Fifty Shades of Grey or kind of the vanilla public's idea of what rules may be is I think people always kind of envision it as this very intense thing. um But like you were saying with your rules, a lot of times it's things like drink water, e X amount of food a day,
00:18:00
Speaker
um do things to take care of yourself do a meditation do your morning routine brush your teeth um so a lot of things in place are like we said earlier it's all about care for the sub and trying to get you to be your best self so kit what would you say are some examples of common rules and dynamics a lot of um sort of starter rules are titles. So how are you going to refer each to each other? um I call my dom sir and I'm expected to dress him with respect, using please and thank you.
00:18:32
Speaker
Sometimes he corrects me when I forget. And um common rules also are around like sexual availability. So free use or you're not allowed to wear underwear when you're when we're together.
00:18:44
Speaker
And then non-sexual ones like people like taking care of yourself or acts of service. um And yeah, so really improving yourself.
00:18:58
Speaker
And i think that's a big part of dynamic that people outside don't really understand. They think it's very sexual in nature when in reality 24-7 you have to go beyond that because it is all the time and it does bleed into your day-to-day life.
00:19:15
Speaker
Yeah, so it can definitely be things like I've heard of like writing an essay, writing lines 100 times, sitting in a corner. um Just something that if you want it to be a real punishment to help them learn isn't as fun will kind of evoke that learning, you know.
00:19:36
Speaker
um But getting into punishments, as we've been discussing. So i would say punishments are probably one of my favorite parts of a dynamic.
00:19:46
Speaker
Even when it's a punishment I don't enjoy, it really just helps me get in that submissive headspace, really feel like my dom is taking charge. So Kit, what would you say the role of punishment is in a dynamic?
00:20:01
Speaker
Well, what's the point of having rules if you don't have consequences? Exactly. um so yeah, it gives real stakes to what you're doing. it helps get you in that subspace.
00:20:14
Speaker
It reinforces the power dynamic. So even if you are doing something that you don't enjoy, it's because you've agreed to it in advance and because it is there to remind you that you are the seventh relationship.
00:20:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:32
Speaker
Or you can lean on the punishments and the stuff you enjoy. Yeah. And I think, you know, with punishments too, like we said, it's not always the super intense thing.
00:20:44
Speaker
um Sometimes it can be sexual nature. Like one of my punishments is, you know, I enjoy pain, but I'm not like I have levels, you know, so one of my punishments is definitely like the big thick wooden paddle, because that one is not a fun paddle. It's not a fun impact toy um I've done other things like writing lines or sitting in a corner.
00:21:10
Speaker
um That's one that's very popular with the little caretaker dynamics, of course. um But yeah, really, it's all about trying to get you to learn.
00:21:22
Speaker
And I think it's been really helpful in relationship, um just being able to, I think, understand what is good behavior versus bad behavior.
00:21:37
Speaker
i know that sounds very simplified, but when I think about being in a totally vanilla relationship. you know i could get into a situation where I'm doing something somebody doesn't appreciate.
00:21:50
Speaker
And without that good communication that's so necessary in a dom-sub dynamic, you can get into one of those situations where it's like, oh, somebody is just holding in all this stuff that you're doing that bothers them versus I love how in a dynamic like this, it's just so out in the open of like, you did this, this isn't good.
00:22:11
Speaker
Let's correct it and we can move on so getting into different examples of punishments, what would you say are some common types, Kit?
00:22:23
Speaker
I mean, yeah, I think spanking is a very common one You see a lot. um And then orgasm denial. Yeah. um Taking away something that's obviously a really a lot of fun.
00:22:35
Speaker
ah The worst punishment I've heard of is an extreme version of corner time where ah my friend has like sensory deprivation where it's just extremely boring and they have to hold a pencil against the wall so they can't.
00:22:49
Speaker
Oh my god.
00:22:52
Speaker
they just have to sit there and do nothing but hold the pencil and ah that would be my numbing but i also think it's important as much as media focuses on the punishment aspect that you If that's not something you want, you can structure your relationship more around rewards.
00:23:08
Speaker
You can make all the goals attainable and then it's really praise and reward based. And maybe for you, getting spanked is the reward because you like it. That's my case.
00:23:19
Speaker
Yeah. um So like, don't think like if the idea of getting in trouble freaks you out, You don't have to get in trouble. you yeah once again You're in control because you've pre-negotiated what the rules are and make the goals attainable or like make the rules attainable so that you can then get rewarded rather than having to worry about being punished.
00:23:41
Speaker
Yeah. Rewards are really great for learning too. I've even heard of some people having like charts. Some people do like sticker charts. So it's more fun.
00:23:52
Speaker
where you can mark when you've like done all of your tasks and followed all the rules and everything. um so it's a really great learning tool as well. And like you said, if you don't like punishments, it's all pre-negotiated.
00:24:04
Speaker
So you don't have to go that route and you can still have that very fulfilling dynamic with doing rewards. So we touched earlier on the idea of a healthy versus unhealthy dynamic.
00:24:19
Speaker
And i think it's really important before people get into dynamics to thoroughly understand that. I mean, we could do a whole episode on what's healthy versus unhealthy. And i think there's kind of this idea as well with, you know, the dom has the upper hand. They're the one in control. So they're the one that has to seek out all the education and on what's correct, what's healthy, what's ethical.
00:24:45
Speaker
But really as a sub, one of the biggest things I try to make clear to people is that you should really be doing as much education research as the DOM. um Because that way you know if you are entering into an unethical dynamic or if somebody isn't going about something the right way or could potentially cause you harm.
00:25:07
Speaker
So Kit, what would you say are some tips for establishing a healthy dynamic?
Communication and Safe Practices in Dom-Sub Dynamics
00:25:12
Speaker
It is all about communication, um especially when you're getting started. Like, talk regularly about how the power exchange feels and not just the bad stuff. Talk about what's making you feel excited or what you're curious about and want to explore.
00:25:27
Speaker
Dynamic is going to look different. Yeah. to everyone, but also within every partner. So maybe you've been in a dynamic in the past with someone, but if you're with a new partner, it's going to present differently and your interests are going rub off on each other. i definitely have picked things up from my partner that I thought i would never be interested in and now I love.
00:25:49
Speaker
um so be open to exploring those things, but then as you explore, just always giving feedback on how you feel about it, what you're liking, You might be surprised about what you end up getting into. Yeah.
00:26:02
Speaker
But it's just always about talking and keeping that line of communication open. Yeah, that's what I love about being in this type of dynamic is just how good the communication is. I think that's one of the biggest things that's important in relationships and so many people struggle with.
00:26:19
Speaker
um But, you know, with a dom-sub dynamic, that is the most crucial part. So I love how everything is just laid out You very much have expectations and You're constantly openly communicating about things. And I think it's just such a such a beautiful type of relationship, you know? is. And it can be just so fulfilling um both sexually but also platonically to b
00:26:51
Speaker
ah feel so supportive or so supported and, um, get to build this thing together and change how you interact with yourself or your worlds through the assistance and the structure of the dynamic.
00:27:06
Speaker
Yeah. Well, i think we kind of touched on a lot today. Is there any final words you want to end off on? Um, play safe and have fun. Yes. That's what this is all about.
00:27:18
Speaker
Exactly. Have fun with it. um Do your research before you get into any type of dynamics and remember what it's all about. And I think you'll have a great time and always be safe.
00:27:32
Speaker
So that was today's episode. We'll see you next time.