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Unhealthy Boundaries Won't Save Your Relationship
61 Plays2 months ago
In this episode, we explore the fine line between healthy boundaries and insecurity-driven restrictions in relationships. From veto power in polyamory to controlling friendships in monogamy, we unpack how fear-based rules can erode trust and intimacy. Learn how to set boundaries that prioritize your well-being without compromising autonomy or connection, and discover practical tips for moving past insecurity to build stronger, more authentic relationships. Whether you’re navigating monogamy, non-monogamy, or somewhere in between, this episode offers fresh perspectives and actionable advice to elevate your relationship dynamics.
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Transcript
Introduction to Unhealthy Boundaries
00:00:00
Jon McCray Jones
Hi, this is the Fun with Sex podcast and I'm John. I'm Natalie. And today we're talking about insecurities and boundaries, specifically boundaries that aren't healthy. Boundaries that don't protect your mental and physical wellbeing, but boundaries that are used to limit and control your partner's freedoms that are made out of insecurity. And I don't know the other words I'm looking for, but just like insecurities.
Healthy vs. Unhealthy Boundaries
00:00:28
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I mean, I think boundaries is a word that gets thrown around a lot nowadays in the age of like pop psychology on social media. um And people have kind of lost what the true meaning of it is. So people just kind of think, oh, if I want this to be a boundary, it should be a boundary. But if it's coming from a place of you having deep-seated insecurities and your need to control and almost do what monogamous people do where you just kind of put these insane, uh, measures of control on your partner. It's not really a
Examples of Boundary Setting
00:01:06
Jon McCray Jones
boundary. Well, like the focus on this episode, I actually want to include like monogamy and not monogamy because like, I don't think that like when it comes to unhealthy boundaries made out of unreasonable expectations, that's what I was looking for. Yeah. I don't think that like,
00:01:23
Jon McCray Jones
that's dependent on your relationship style. I think that like monogamy and non-monogamy have more in common than they have different when it comes to these two topics. So like normally how I define a healthy boundary is a clear mutual agreement to protect your own personal well-being, whether that's health or physical health or mental health. So a boundary is something like if you're in a monogamous relationship, hey, I prefer if you only have protected sex with someone else. I think that's a very reasonable boundary to draw because that person having unprotected sex with someone else can directly impact your health. I think a healthy boundary for someone who is in a monogamous relationship is something like, hey, when we have conversations, I appreciate if you don't raise your voice and yell at me.
00:02:14
Jon McCray Jones
That's a healthy boundary. Do you have any healthy boundaries that you want to give an examples for? Yeah, I think those are both um great ideas. um They're always built around like coming from a place of respect and love and care for yourself and love for yourself. um So very different than when someone's like, my boundary is you can only see your other partner when I already have plans.
00:02:42
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, and like that's the type of boundaries that like I wanted to talk about. Just to give like another healthy boundary, ah something that's like a little bit more nuanced. If you have like anxiety and you're like, hey, if you're running late, this is not meant to control your time, but like I would like for a text and clear communication for like when you're running late, let me know because that eases my anxiety.
00:03:03
Jon McCray Jones
or if it's something like, hey, a boundary for me is that like if we're exploring new to non-monogamy, let's have check-ins every now and then to revisit our relationship. That's something that like I need to feel good. And the reason why these are healthy boundaries is because they're not rooted in insecurities that are going to control your partner's freedoms.
Unreasonable Expectations in Boundaries
00:03:24
Jon McCray Jones
If there's something that your partner does that is really unreasonably bad. I think that like that's fair. If it's something, do you have an example for that or do you want me to keep going? Like a boundary based upon someone doing something unreasonable. Yeah. Um, like in response to your partner doing something unreasonable. So let's say something like, Hey, my boundary is that like we're in a relationship and like, I would like for us to have some form of communication.
00:03:52
Jon McCray Jones
Cause we've had, we've met people where they've called each other as quote unquote partners. And then they're like, well, I know you never talked to me. You never text me. You never come see me. And I think that like a boundary is, Hey, I would require some form of communication with you. And then if not, then like, I want to leave the relationship.
00:04:10
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think that's the other thing with boundaries too is it can also be something that's a response to a behavior that doesn't fit into your standards. So maybe if you kind of set a boundary surrounding your partner of like Oh, I don't want to be compared to my meta. You can say like, if that does happen, I'll just kind of find a way to quietly exit the conversation or something
Insecurity and Control in Monogamy
00:04:37
Jon McCray Jones
like that. Or if you raise your voice at me, I will take a break from the conversation. I do think that like standard is a tricky word because how do I say this? I think standard is tricky because
00:04:54
Jon McCray Jones
people can use that and never actually reflect on why this is the standard for their behavior. And I think that's why like when it comes to boundaries, sitting at home and reflecting on where your boundaries are coming from is so important. The idea of like, hey, my boundaries is rooted in my own insecurity, or my boundaries is rooted in something that's going to protect my mental and physical wellbeing. And even on top of that,
00:05:19
Jon McCray Jones
Is your mental health bothered by this action because you're insecure about it? Or is your mental health bothered by this action because it's truly an unhealthy action? Yeah. I mean, I think that's the thing with standards is it's subjective, but it's also, you know, I kind of think that legal term terminology of like within a reasonable person's understanding. Like if you tell your partner, I don't want to engage in unsafe sex and then they come home and tell you, yeah, I had sex without a condom.
00:05:49
Jon McCray Jones
Okay, we will not be having sex until you and I both get tested. And like, I think that even to say in our society, monogamy is so normalized that there is an unhealthy level of boundaries and insecurities because the way that we do monogamy, especially in the States is so based on the nuclear
Fear of Being Alone: Controlling Boundaries
00:06:10
Jon McCray Jones
family. And the idea of like, Hey, if your partner doesn't want you to help platonic friends, that's a reasonable boundary for a lot of people. And I think like that's going back to what you were saying before is that
00:06:24
Jon McCray Jones
Excuse me. ah The example you use where I can only go on a date if my partner, if you're not an outcomes couple, you can only go on a date if I have something scheduled that same day, which is a boundary that we've heard. The reason why that's a boundary is because you're scared of being alone. Yeah. You're insecure about, hey, if I'm left at home while my partner's out doing something,
00:06:45
Jon McCray Jones
um If I'm left alone, my partner's not doing something, I'm going to be bored. It's going to make me anxious thinking about what they're doing. It's going to make me jealous. And that's why I'm setting up that boundary is rooted in a place of insecurity that I think makes it an unhealthy boundary.
Veto Power and Autonomy Issues
00:07:01
Jon McCray Jones
And monogamous couples will do that too, where it's like,
00:07:04
Jon McCray Jones
Well, I only want you to go out and have a guy's night if I have a girl's night scheduled. And, you know, we're going to agree to come home at this time. And if you're running late or something, I'm just going to be like blowing up your phone. And that's the other thing too, is that.
00:07:23
Jon McCray Jones
Another that was actually goes into like another monogamous insecurity that I want to talk about our boundary is the idea of like controlling who your partners are allowed to have relationships with. Yes. And I think that like all of this comes down to prioritizing the though quote unquote primary relationship.
00:07:45
Jon McCray Jones
over any other relationship because there's times where immunogamous couples are like you can't hang out with your friends because I don't want you to or I don't want to be left alone and that's an unhealthy relationship and the reason why is because like your romantic relationship doesn't necessarily have to be more important than your friends. I think that's just the way they're like, your platonic ones. And I think that's just the way that we're socialized that like, romantic relationships have to be on this pedestal that other relationships don't. And I think that like, that goes into the idea of like, normalizing, I think this is like the veto equivalent of monogamous relationships.
Resentment from Restrictive Boundaries
00:08:24
Jon McCray Jones
where like a partner can tell someone else that you can't be friends with someone, just friends with this person. Yeah, I mean, you'll see it all the time. I feel like traditionally how it happens in monogamous relationships is a friend of the opposite gender. And, you know, I think it's one thing if maybe you have some evidence that something suspicious is going on, then there's like several more conversations that need to be had. But there's people where it's simply like,
00:08:54
Jon McCray Jones
Oh, you're talking to a girl who works out at the gym with you? Oh, I don't like that. You can't talk to her. But like, what is that rooted in? It's rooted in your insecurity that your partner is going to find another girl they like better. um And you see it with non-monogamy too of like,
00:09:14
Jon McCray Jones
Oh wow, I'm feeling really insecure that my partner is dating someone new and they have all this new relationship energy and they're really pretty and oh, I feel insecure. I don't want you to take them. Yeah. It's called veto power and like polyamory where like one partner can veto another partner's relationship. And I think the issue of both of those is that you're restricting your partner's autonomy based on your own insecurities. And I think that like,
00:09:44
Jon McCray Jones
What you're also doing is that like you're treating the third person like an object and not a human being who's also forming a relationship with your partner and just saying like, well, they're not allowed to have this relationship either. And I think that that's a very unhealthy and inhumane thing to do. And also what it does is like, it's going to create resentment. If your partner wants to form platonic or romantic relationships, depending on your romantic, your relationship dynamic, and they're doing it in a communicative and a healthy way.
00:10:14
Jon McCray Jones
that's agreed upon upon the norms that you've already set your relationship.
Insecurities and Replacement Fears
00:10:19
Jon McCray Jones
And out of your own insecurity, you're saying no. All you're going to do is make your partner resent you more and more and feel more controlled. And also what that leads to is your partner doing things behind your back because they're like, well,
00:10:32
Jon McCray Jones
I need to do this. I'm a human being. I need to form relationships with people, whether it's platonic or sexual for my own mental health. And if you're not going to, if you're going to restrict me from seeing or forming these connections, I'm either going to be an unhealthy person or I'm going to find a way to do this that are like sneakier. And then I saw relationships getting a more problem and problems. And I think that the issue comes with the idea that like,
00:10:58
Jon McCray Jones
The person who's vetoing their relationship being formed are are doing it out of fear of like competition or the idea that they're going to be replaced.
Prioritizing Well-being over Control
00:11:10
Jon McCray Jones
But what I'll respond to that is, do you really want to be in a relationship where you forcing them to stay with you is the only reason why that they're still with you. I mean like if they're going to go out and find somebody else maybe that's just the universe saying that like there's someone that they're more compatible with and there's someone you may be more compatible with but I think the idea of like I'm going to restrict my partner from forming relationships because it makes me feel safer you're more likely to cause your partner to resent you more and not be happier in that relationship.
00:11:42
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, and I think that's the stage of non-monogamy that it takes people a while to get to is true.
Compatibility and Navigating Insecurities
00:11:51
Jon McCray Jones
relationship anarchy and looking at relationships completely outside of the monogamous lens is understanding that yourself is the only person you can control. And yourself is the most important thing you're prioritizing. And if that means you're not compatible with someone, then that's just what it is. If your partner starts dating someone and you're not monogamous and you are like,
00:12:18
Jon McCray Jones
Oh my God, I can't stand this person. I have a laundry list of reasons why. At the end of the day, like, sure you guys can get into like a veto thing but you know we've all seen how that can just spiral into all this resentment you veto one person they veto someone you date now you guys are both presenting each other and feeling super controlled even though isn't polyamory supposed to be about like being our own person and not controlling each other or you can just say okay they're dating this person I don't like I can you know
00:12:55
Jon McCray Jones
just kind of come to terms with that or try to work on it. Try to see if I can see the pros of this person. I can unpack my insecurities that are maybe fueling me to not like this person. Or if it's something where you're just like, I cannot do this. Maybe you're not compatible and you can just leave that relationship. I also want to say is that like you don't necessarily have to like your meta.
Toxicity of Insecurity-driven Boundaries
00:13:19
Jon McCray Jones
If you're, or if you're in a monogamous relationship, your partner's friend. yeah And it can be one of those things where like, as long as that relationship is not causing physical or severe mental damage to you as a human being, it can be one of those things is when they wanna hang out with that person, you just remove yourself. If they're around that person and you're just like, okay, well, I'm not gonna be around you when you're around that that person. And that's a fine boundary to make. yeah I like the idea of the light,
00:13:50
Jon McCray Jones
I think that it's fine to insert yourself and say your partner struggles with alcoholism and the former new relationship with someone else who struggles with alcoholism or any other type of substance abuse. and They both encourage each other to partake in harmful behaviors. But again, like you said, at the end of the day, you can insert yourself or you can tell your partner that like, this is why I don't like this relationship and this is why I don't think you should be in it. But at the end of the day, you can't control that other person. And then as one again, you would have to remove yourself from that dynamic.
Jealousy from Unequal Quality Time
00:14:23
Jon McCray Jones
But I do think that that's a reasonable boundary to make is saying like, hey,
00:14:27
Jon McCray Jones
this new relationship you form is actually endangering your health or our health or say even if it's like a friend that like you guys own a house together in a monogamous relationship and it's a friend of the same or different gender and they enjoy going out like that gambling together or wasting money that you both have.
00:14:46
Jon McCray Jones
That's a fair boundary to say that like, hey, this relationship is causing these actual physical material or mental damage to our relationship and my well-being. And this is why I want to set that boundary. But if it just comes from a place of insecurity, then it's like just kind of unhealthy and it's kind of toxic.
00:15:04
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. And I think really the first step and the first thing I would ask yourself is truly, truly why do I not like this person? Like you said, it can be something super fair where you're like, Hey, this person is encouraging you to engage in risky behavior that is putting our livelihood and our life on the line.
00:15:28
Jon McCray Jones
But I feel like a lot of times with non-monogamy when I talk to people, that is not the case. i I feel like a lot of it does tend to come from this insecurity of I have this deep-seated fear that my partner is going to like someone better than me. And instead of unpacking that, I'm just going to project it onto this person who is my meta or in the monogamous relationship.
00:15:51
Jon McCray Jones
project this onto the opposite gender best friend or whatever. Yeah. And I was going to say that like nine times out of 10, I think when people have a problem with someone else's relationship. whether it's a friend or another partner, whether you're monogamous or non-monogamous, sometimes even seen as family, is rooted in that person's own insecurity. So I've seen instances where the person is like, you spend too much time with this family member, and that takes away from time for me. And that's where you need to sit down and reflect. And it's like, well, how much time are we spending together? And when we do spend time together, do we both make sure that it's quality time that we're spending together?
00:16:30
Jon McCray Jones
If it's something where your partner wants to spend one night a week or two nights a week with this other person, whether it's a friend or a partner or is something where they have a similar hobby together, I think that's really fine if they're making sure that they spend other quality time with you. I think there's another thing too where like a lot of relationships where Especially if you're the partner that this person sees all the time the time that you guys do spend together is not quality time It's just like yeah, we exist in the same space together And then when you see that other person spending quality time with that person because they only get to see them once or twice and a Week or once or twice a month
00:17:14
Jon McCray Jones
you feel insecure because you're like, well, why don't we get to have that same similar quality time or similar dates or similar hangouts that you're giving to this partner or friend? And I think that the the answer is not like, Hey, I'm going to cut you off from hanging out with that person. The answer is, well, maybe we need to make sure that we spend more quality time together.
00:17:35
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, that's the thing is like insecurity and jealousy, sometimes it's rooted in our much deeper subconscious issues having to do with traumas and childhood and attachment styles, but sometimes it can be rooted in something evident.
Setting Healthy, Respectful Boundaries
00:17:52
Jon McCray Jones
And I don't mean something evident like my partner is maliciously trying to give this person more time than me. Your partner is probably not conscious of doing this especially if you guys have been together a while but maybe you're just tapping into a need that you didn't realize you had like oh you know we never go on movie dates anymore and I've been seeing you and your new partner or doing that like that would be super fun and we haven't done that in so long can we do that more or you know because you and your partner don't live together you have these like
00:18:26
Jon McCray Jones
to our phone calls. And I feel like when we're at home, we don't really talk. Could we like find an activity to do where we can just like chat and catch up with each other? Yeah. And I think, though, how you get to that place is that you have to ask yourself some reflective questions. And like we made a list of questions that kind of like helped us do our own insecurities. So when you're setting your boundaries, a question I would ask myself is, hey,
00:18:54
Jon McCray Jones
Is this about health? Am I protecting my own well-being? Or am I trying to control my partner out of my own fears or insecurities? I think that's the most important question you can ask when you're setting your own boundaries.
00:19:08
Jon McCray Jones
ah You should ask yourself, does this boundary respect both of our needs? Like I understand that while you exist in your own head, you have to remember that your partner is also an autonomous human being who has needs, desires, relationships that they want to have. Or is this boundary one-sided where you're just saying that because it's your own personal insecurity, it benefits you, it solves one of your needs, it solves your insecurity, but it doesn't take into account that there's another person. Yeah.
00:19:40
Jon McCray Jones
um Make it collaborative. Ask your partner like, hey, what can I do with this boundary that I want to do, what I want to add into our relationship that would make it work for you. Make it negotiable. I think that anytime that you said, what are those things called?
00:19:56
Jon McCray Jones
like parameters. parametter I was looking for it's like a word for like, I've set this rule for you and if you don't do it, then like it ends our relationship. Oh, ultimatum.
Addressing Insecurities for Healthy Dynamics
00:20:05
Jon McCray Jones
Ultimatum's usually never work and they're also unhealthy. So like make sure that your boundaries are negotiable. Say that like, Hey, this is my need. This is why I'm feeling this way. Can we collaborate on a way that we can address these in a healthy way?
00:20:21
Jon McCray Jones
I would use I statements say I feel instead of you always ah be clear and direct avoid passive aggressive language avoid raising your voice be open to feedback understand that your partner also has a separate a separate experience that can give you a full picture of what's happening in this situation and how they're feeling um and address insecurities directly and you can do that through working on self-reflection growth I think that like, that's all that I have for this episode. Is there anything you want to add? Yeah, I think, you know, my biggest advice to people is not being afraid to acknowledge that you're feeling insecure. Cause I think, you know, I'm somebody where I'm very open about mental health and stuff. So people in turn feel comfortable talking to me and I'm just telling everyone right now, like everybody has insecurities.
00:21:17
Jon McCray Jones
Everybody does, everybody has things in their backstory that have made them anxious about certain things or struggle in certain aspects and relationships. And it's totally okay. And the biggest thing you can do for yourself is own up to the fact that you're having this negative emotion.
00:21:38
Jon McCray Jones
and then think deeper about what that negative emotion is really, where it's really coming from, you know? um So yeah. Yeah, that's all that I have. Well, this has been a not super fun episode, but a well needed episode on boundaries and insecurities. Yeah. Thank you for listening. Have a nice day.