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00:00:01
Reacting to $ex Stories
125 Plays1 month ago
On this week's episode we respond to sex questions on reddit! We share thoughts, advice, reactions, and more!
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Transcript
Introduction to Episode
00:00:01
Jon McCray Jones
Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the Fun with Sex podcast. I'm Natalie. And I'm John. And today we have a different type of episode. We are going to be reacting and giving advice to different questions on Reddit, um inspired by the fact that I love Reading the polyamory Reddit and different threads like that ah just to see what's going on in people's lives. Are you doing polyamory or like polyamory and swinger?
00:00:30
Jon McCray Jones
We're doing just all sorts of sex questions, polyamory, kink. All right. Yeah, I'm ready if you are. Okay.
Handling Embarrassment in Anal Sex
00:00:42
Jon McCray Jones
The title is I'm So Embarrassed. I, female 26, had anal sex with my long-term boyfriend, male 28. I showered directly before, but I still accidentally had a bit of feces come out after we were done.
00:00:57
Jon McCray Jones
and wasn't a lot whatsoever, but I'm so embarrassed. He tells me it's okay, but I feel disgusting. We've done anal like six times over the last 10 years. He likes it, but I never want to do it because I'm afraid of the mess.
00:01:09
Jon McCray Jones
And I've always been worried about scaring him off if I'm not clean enough. Is it normal for a bit of mess to come out? Will he look at me differently after this? And what can I do differently to avoid this happening again?
00:01:20
Jon McCray Jones
I'm not really into it, but I want to make him happy. Any advice is helpful. Thank you
00:01:27
Jon McCray Jones
So how I was going to respond vastly changed in the last two sentences. Yeah. When she says, I'm not really into it.
00:01:39
Jon McCray Jones
hu Yeah. Like before I was going to say like, hey, you're having anal sex and... you're playing back there, there's a good chance that something is going to come out.
00:01:51
Jon McCray Jones
It happens. I was like, talk to your gay friends or go watch gay people talk about like, or gay men talk about like what they do to like douche and like clean out and like hot water versus cold water.
00:02:06
Jon McCray Jones
But yeah, the last part about her not really being into it, that kind of changes the conversation.
Understanding BDSM Roles
00:02:16
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think if I was going to give advice minus that last sentence, I would say, you know, take some extra fiber the day before, make sure you have a very regular, normal um number two in the bathroom.
00:02:34
Jon McCray Jones
and then, you know, you have to kind of plan ahead when you're going to do it and stuff like that. And I would definitely advise doing some butt plugs and butt play on your own so you can kind of like figure out what works for you what kind of cycle you need to be in to avoid more of a mess.
00:02:53
Jon McCray Jones
But yeah, that last sentence, it really just feels like she does not want to do this. So she's projecting that negative emotion into like, oh, I don't want to mess, you know? Yeah, like I was going to say that, hey shit, literally shit happens.
00:03:09
Jon McCray Jones
And sometimes when you're but getting fucked in the ass, stuff comes out. And, like, again, not an expert on, like, how to prepare for anal sex before.
00:03:21
Jon McCray Jones
But there are a lot of, like, resources on how to minimize the mess or the po potential mess. The one thing I will say is that you and your partner need to have a conversation.
00:03:32
Jon McCray Jones
Because, like, one thing on one hand, I understand that there's things that we don't love in bed. But you're willing to do with a partner who's, like, a long-term person that you care about.
00:03:44
Jon McCray Jones
And you have, like, a lot of discussions. Versus something that like I hate and I hate doing this and I don't want to do this and I don't get not that I don't get any type of pleasure out of it, but like I deeply. This am dishaversed by while doing that.
00:04:01
Jon McCray Jones
And then if you explain that to your partner, they shouldn't want to do it anymore. They're like, oh, you absolutely hate this. This is a chore for you. and it's not like, oh, I'm doing this. It's not my favorite thing, but I'm willing to do it yeah because it brings you pleasure.
00:04:13
Jon McCray Jones
Then that's a conversation you need to have for your partner, to be honest. Yeah, there's a difference between like, oh, you know, it's not my top pick, but I'm willing to compromise a little because it makes me happy to make you happy versus...
00:04:26
Jon McCray Jones
Especially something like anal, which is so, so intimate. And especially if you are somebody without a prostate, like, it's very possible you don't get any pleasure from it.
00:04:38
Jon McCray Jones
So, You should one of your bottom friends to come on and just do an episode all on, like, anal sex. and Yeah. Yeah, just have, like... I was going to start naming names. Probably shouldn't do that.
00:04:49
Jon McCray Jones
But, like, have one of them come on and, like, talk about, like, what they do to prepare for, what they do afterwards, how they, like... plan for like if it happens spontaneous like i know that's a theme where like a lot of bottoms refuse to have like spontaneous anal sex yeah yeah all right next one is something kinky um it's in the non-monogamy thread i know this isn't a ds sub but folks here seem to have good instincts i'm looking for guidance on how to be a good dom
00:05:20
Jon McCray Jones
I'm interested in exploring it more with my wife, but also others who I don't have the same communication level with. Any tips on where to go to learn about being a decent dom who also isn't an asshole?
00:05:32
Jon McCray Jones
Ideally, subreddits or blogs would be a good start. Thanks. Also, DS sub in the first sentence means, this is not a dom sub subreddit. hu
00:05:45
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think, you know, first of all, Having that same level of awareness that do need to seek out learning and education is a really good starting point.
00:05:58
Jon McCray Jones
And going to Reddit, I think getting involved with any local kink events near you, like munches or kink clubs, is a super good starting point as well.
Exploring BDSM and Power Exchange
00:06:09
Jon McCray Jones
um You as someone who's a dom Do you have any more specific advice? No I think it's like a massive green flag For anyone who's like Looking out for resources So it's like how to be a better Dom And I think that like The most important thing For like dom sub relationships Is just communications with your particular sub And also I think there's a difference Between Being dominant in the One being a top in the bed Two being dominant in the bed And the three being a dom.
00:06:42
Jon McCray Jones
And those aren't the same thing. So maybe like you may need to ask yourself. Like hey which one of these three things am I looking for. And I noticed that in the reddit post. He mentioned multiple partners. And it's like hey if you're a new dom.
00:06:56
Jon McCray Jones
Maybe you don't need to be. Right off the bat a dom. To multiple people at the same time. Because like kink relationships. Are so intimate. And they take so long to get right.
00:07:09
Jon McCray Jones
Maybe. you can be dominant with your other partners in the bedroom and you can do some kink stuff with clear communications and like boundaries. That's the other thing too, is like research consent and boundaries first.
00:07:23
Jon McCray Jones
And then after that, you can move into like having more than one subs and then seeing like, what is your capacity like? Because like there's a level of intimacy in a relationship with a dom sub that,
00:07:37
Jon McCray Jones
going from no subs at all to having like four or five, you're not going to treat yourselves ethically and you're not going to like, even if you're trying your best, you're going to be overblown for capacity.
00:07:49
Jon McCray Jones
um ah think Reddit is like a great place to get like honest opinion on like Dom and like Dom dynamics and like Dom sub dynamics.
00:08:01
Jon McCray Jones
I think your local munches, your local, dungeons are also really good places if you google there's a lot of good content on there what would you say as someone who's like looks for doms yeah i think um you know looking for more like formal resources out there i mean as formal as it gets like there are blogs and videos on youtube where very experienced doms go over it there's also a lot of courses out there
00:08:33
Jon McCray Jones
Like your local kink club might have a course. If you go to Munches, you might get to learn about like different courses and stuff like that from people out there.
00:08:45
Jon McCray Jones
um Getting familiar and comfortable with the kink community is also a really good thing. So Reddit is good for that because um I'm not going to pretend like every Reddit post is going to be something to be describing like a super like healthy dynamic.
00:09:03
Jon McCray Jones
But, like, with that, you develop more awareness and you can learn, you know, oh, okay, this is how you do it, like, really unethically. Like, I'm going to avoid that. Yeah, and I'm going to start off by saying that, like, I'm not an an expert on this. And, like, kink is one of the areas that, like, I have this little, the like, the least amount of, like, expertise in experience and experience compared to some of the other things that we talk about.
00:09:29
Jon McCray Jones
So like going out and finding resources is probably the best way to get into a kink dynamic. That's what I did. I just started listening to podcasts and like going on Reddit and listening or Googling and reading articles.
00:09:41
Jon McCray Jones
Medium has a lot of really good articles written by people who are in these dynamics or writing these for free just because they cared passionately about people doing it right.
00:09:53
Jon McCray Jones
All right, this next one i think is funny to read from people who are into kink and are very um used to this type of dynamic. But for people who only have vanilla sex, I can see it be a bit more shocking.
00:10:08
Jon McCray Jones
They say, i like being held down during sex. I realize that I get really turned on when I'm held and pinned down by the hips or even feeling the weight and pressure of my partner's body against mine.
00:10:20
Jon McCray Jones
Sometimes I like it when they pin one of my hands against my back and go to town. For some reason, it makes me feel oddly safe, like I'm only existing in this moment and I have nowhere to go.
00:10:30
Jon McCray Jones
i don't necessarily like getting choked just because the feeling of lightheadedness is a bit too much, but I'll also get turned on if I'm being held by the chin and my partner's hands are just slightly holding my neck.
00:10:42
Jon McCray Jones
I definitely think this has BDSM undertones, and and I wonder if I should really look into that sort of thing. to see what else I could potentially be interested interested in It's weird because in my daily life, I hate feeling constrained in any way.
00:10:55
Jon McCray Jones
I love and value my independence and would rather do something myself than ask others to do it for me. However, it's almost flip-flopped in the bedroom and I crave that power exchange.
00:11:06
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think this is honestly a really common experience I hear from a lot of subs is you know, i think people outside of the kink world, they kind of have this idea that It's always the stereotypical hyper-masculine Dom who's in charge in every aspect of his life and the submissive woman who's just very submissive 24-7. And it's like, no, there's a lot of people where they are in very powerful leadership positions. They're always in charge, always in control.
00:11:40
Jon McCray Jones
But in the bathroom, they just want to like let that go. I kind of think that this Reddit post is done by someone who is familiar with the King community.
00:11:52
Jon McCray Jones
i mean, just like the phrase power exchange, i rarely I rarely hear that statement outside of people who aren't already familiar with the King community. And like the depth of that post doesn't sound like someone who's like, ooh, this is new for me. I don't have the vocabulary.
00:12:10
Jon McCray Jones
Like, I knew exactly what they were saying. I don't have any proof that that is true, but, like, if it's not true, then, like, 100% yourself, you should probably, like, look into your local kink communities or at least Google, like, what does it mean to be submissive, take the BDSM test, flirt around with, like, some podcasts.
00:12:33
Jon McCray Jones
But, like, the word power exchange makes me think that, like... this person knows what they're talking about they've at least googled the stuff before because they're also like immediately jumped into like this has something to do with bdsm and it's like i think someone who's like really really new and like just had this weird experience is not automatically going to tie it directly to bdsm so why do you think they posted it then I don't know, maybe they were doing it as a favor for other new people.
00:13:05
Jon McCray Jones
And it was just like, if really, if there's anything I want to hone in on, it was the phrase power exchange. Because like I've talked to a lot of people inside the King community, outside the King community, even in like different sex positive communities.
00:13:20
Jon McCray Jones
And the only people who use the term power exchange in any context are people in BDSM communities. Have you ever heard that statement outside of BDSM circles?
00:13:32
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think that's a good point. I think the only thing I can think of is I've definitely noticed these posts on Instagram where it's supposed to be a girl talking about something she likes sexually. And just like the way things are being phrased and the way they're saying things, everyone in the comments was like, yeah, this is some random incel dude writing this.
00:13:55
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, and like I don't know why somebody would... write something and phrase it as being a newbie even though they're not but like this doesn't feel like something a newbie would write oh it could be one of those things like a catfish situation where they're trying to like pose as this like naive girl who's new to kink to get all these like horny men to message them right yeah i have no idea it's just a word power exchange but i guess like if you are somebody who you're like
00:14:29
Jon McCray Jones
I'm interested in being choked. I'm interested in being, help or she said that she doesn't, she wasn't interested in being choked, but I'm interested in being held down in bed. I'm interested in being like grabs and like letting control, letting go of control.
00:14:43
Jon McCray Jones
um that feeling is
Identifying Red Flags in Online BDSM
00:14:44
Jon McCray Jones
called like subspace. And like, I know for a lot of people ADHD, where our problems focusing kink, really allows them to like center and be present in emotion and like the amount of different sensations allow them to really like focus in on the sex yeah yeah all right so the next one is under non-monogamy they said dating my first married man hi guys i'm having a hard time with some compliments made towards me i started talking to this guy i met i found out he is married he says happily but in enm marriage
00:15:19
Jon McCray Jones
They have two kids and his wife has a boyfriend. He said they're new to E&M. I don't know why they're in an E&M marriage. Is it normal in these kind of relationships or marriages to make comments like, I wish I met you before my wife or texting me the second they wake up in the morning to the second they go to bed?
00:15:41
Jon McCray Jones
i i think the communication at the end is not like a red flag. I do think that, like, I wish I met you before I met my wife is signs that there's some other issues going on between the relationship. And, like, if I was her, I would get out of this because he's also not keeping her separate from the issues that they're having inside their relationship.
00:16:04
Jon McCray Jones
I agree. It's always a red flag of the person is, like, openly talking negatively about their partner, like, that is just, like, a hard boundary for me. Like, I'm never going to crisscross between partners and share intimate and information or stuff that we're working through in a relationship because it really just sets you up for fail because, you know, then your other partner just has this idea of, like, oh, damn, does this person just, like, suck?
00:16:34
Jon McCray Jones
And, um... Yeah, I also just think this could also be a red flag of the type of person where the grass is always greener. Because you've got a lot of E&M people where they almost are like addicted to new relationship energy.
00:16:52
Jon McCray Jones
So whoever their newest partner they're with is, is the one that they're like... all in, they're like, oh my god, I wish I met this person sooner, they're the best, and then the NRE wears off, they find someone new, and suddenly the other partners are not being valued as much.
00:17:09
Jon McCray Jones
i mean, that's just, like, a very, like, awkward and, like, toxic and almost manipulative thing to say to, like, someone else, especially someone you just met.
00:17:20
Jon McCray Jones
Because, like, one, it's true, and if it's true, then, like, that's a conversation you need to have with the person you're dating back home of like, Hey, I think there's some things in like our relationship that I'm, I'm unhappy with.
00:17:36
Jon McCray Jones
And I understand the like reality of you're married to this person with kids. So it may not just be as easy to break up, but that is like tough conversation that you should be having with your partner or it's not true. and it's just like emotionally manipulative.
00:17:52
Jon McCray Jones
But I think that like,
00:17:55
Jon McCray Jones
Either way is not a good thing to be saying to your partner. Yeah, agreed. All right. This next one is protected anal sex with Grindr guy who bled.
00:18:09
Jon McCray Jones
Hi, all. I just had protected anal sex. Only me topping about an hour ago with a guy I had seen on Grindr for a while now, but it hadn't worked out for some time. Today off the cuff, I wanted to see if he was interested and he said yes.
00:18:24
Jon McCray Jones
We made out and moved on to anal. I insisted we use a condom like I always do with anal. He asked if I had any lube, and I said I usually liked to use my spit as lube.
00:18:36
Jon McCray Jones
We agreed, and he seemed pained at first, but after a reassured me multiple times he was fine and liked the sex. looked down to see my pelvic area above where the condom started had what looked like b blood and poop.
00:18:50
Jon McCray Jones
I've cleaned it up as of now, but I did shave my genitals earlier today and worry that could also increase my chance of HIV transmission. His profile says he is positive but undetectable.
00:19:02
Jon McCray Jones
I've asked for the last blood work, but he said he would go to his doctor's office when they opened to get a copy. Do we think I'm overthinking things? I'm mainly worried about the blood that got on my pelvic area post-shape.
00:19:13
Jon McCray Jones
I'm not an expert. um i Don't give medical advice. From, like, my understanding of the situation, and again, this is coming from a place of ignorance, is that and someone is, like, undetectable, it's really, really hard, nearly impossible to transfer h iv Again, this is me, like, remembering things that I've read, and, like, this could be completely wrong.
00:19:45
Jon McCray Jones
I know that like because shaving your pelvic area does increase your risk of like STI transmission. But I also know that it's like.
00:19:57
Jon McCray Jones
It's very hard for like.
00:20:01
Jon McCray Jones
Body fluids to transfer through like open source because like the body's natural bacteria when it comes to STIs. But again, like I may be wrong. I don't know if I feel comfortable like given if this person overreacted or not.
00:20:18
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, my advice as someone who's not a doctor... Get tested. Yes, I would say go to your doctor, get tested immediately, talk about getting on PrEP, and in the future, i would definitely use Lube.
00:20:32
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think the big thing is like just be on PrEP if your insurance allows it. um I know that... problem like testing for hiv sometimes it takes you like two to three months to become detectable or like to my understanding but yeah be on prep i'm on prep prep is great and like clears you up from ah like all these worrisome situations that you may have but like i believe that if you're undetectable it's really hard to transfer again i'm not an expert on this but like that's what i remember hearing so last yes
00:21:09
Jon McCray Jones
yeah This is in BDSM advice. I need a advice on a bad experience with an online master. When I was 18 years old and just got into BDSM, I met a guy who quickly became my online master. Red flag.
00:21:24
Jon McCray Jones
Yes. Red flag. Things were good, and I really learned a lot from him. But when I got older, i wanted explore more and ended things and moved on. I am now 25 years old, and a little over a week ago, he found me again EDSMLR.
00:21:40
Jon McCray Jones
We started messaging again and decided to give it another try. I explained that we needed to build the trust back up because it has been a long time since we talked, and I also told him I wasn't comfortable sending pics at the start, and it would take time for me to be comfortable with that again.
00:21:56
Jon McCray Jones
So during the talk, he brought up sending pics multiple times, and he kept bringing it up, and I felt pressured, so I sent him one picture of my socks like he asked. I was uncomfortable with this and felt pressured to do so, but thought if I send it, he would stop bringing it up.
00:22:10
Jon McCray Jones
Red flag. Then he asked for another and promised no more pics after that. Red flag. I was still uncomfortable, but decided to believe he would stop asking after this one. Oh my god. 20 minutes later, he asks for more. jesus Christ. In the moment, I felt like I couldn't say no. I sent him like six or seven photos, but pointed out multiple times it made me uncomfortable.
00:22:33
Jon McCray Jones
I ended things later in the evening, and he kept asking if there was a way to keep me around or if he would we could casually keep playing together. He was the kind of give me a finger and he takes a whole arm kind of guy.
00:22:45
Jon McCray Jones
I didn't want him to find me again, so I decided to delete my accounts, including my BDSMLR, which was my safe space. I even deleted my email and everything, but now I feel really lonely.
00:22:57
Jon McCray Jones
I still feel lost and upset about the whole thing. Not sure if I did the right thing or not. I feel terrible anyway. Ever since this has happened, I haven't felt right. I feel like a terrible slave, but also afraid to trust someone again.
00:23:11
Jon McCray Jones
Is there any way to deal with this feeling or a way for me to get rid of it? Did I overact overreact to what he did? I need all the advice I can get. Yeah, like when the story started off with, I was 18 and he immediately tried to become my BDSM master or like my dom.
00:23:30
Jon McCray Jones
I was like, oh, this is going to be like a manipulative guy who saw a teenage girl. mean, like she never said his age, but I'm assuming because I've seen this situation multiple times.
00:23:44
Jon McCray Jones
probably late 20s to like mid 40s and like saw a vulnerable 18 year old and was like i want to have this 18 year old it reminds me of the dude who we met years ago when we were like very new to like monogamy and he was like 28 and he was like dating an 18 year old and like she was only allowed to have like other girlfriends yeah yeah and like he was always trying to like find her another girlfriend, even though she said she wasn't bi.
00:24:17
Jon McCray Jones
We don't have to get into the details, but, like, I've seen this archetype before. um And, like, as soon as, like, I heard that, I knew that he was going to be a problem. And I think that, like, the best thing for her to do is like, delete him and get him out of her life.
00:24:30
Jon McCray Jones
I think the best thing for her to do is to work on setting her boundaries and sticking to her boundaries. And the idea that, like, someone who's, like, habitually...
00:24:42
Jon McCray Jones
takes them out when you give them an inch, it's not going to stop taking them out even if you keep giving them an inch. Yeah, I mean, really, like, it's very sad that this person, because they are new to kink and they're young, is internalizing the bad feelings as, am I a bad slave? Am I a bad sub?
00:25:02
Jon McCray Jones
Because really, the reason you're feeling so bad is you were coerced. yeah Somebody asked you repeatedly in order to get a sexual favor from you that you didn't want to do that you explicitly told them you didn't want to do that you explicitly said made you uncomfortable.
00:25:18
Jon McCray Jones
And they repeatedly and repeatedly asked and repeatedly and repeatedly pushed her boundaries. So that's the issue. It's the dom. It's the master. He's the fucked one in this situation.
00:25:30
Jon McCray Jones
and I would really advise, you know, sub in this community, as a young sub, as a new sub. to really be careful before getting into a full-blown dynamic and really take things slow. Don't go all in at once.
00:25:45
Jon McCray Jones
Like realistically, master-slave dynamics can be very, very intense. um But yeah, try and get more education, meet more people in the community and kind of learn like what a healthy DomSOP dynamic is and do not contact this guy again. Yeah, I think the late that's everything I would want to say.
00:26:07
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, so those were all our Reddit posts we were responding to. We'll see you guys next week. See you next week.