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Threesomes...Why Do They Always Go Bad?
143 Plays1 month ago
In this episode, we dive into the complexities of threesomes and why they often don't turn out as expected. From mismatched expectations to communication breakdowns, we explore the common pitfalls that can derail the experience. We also discuss the importance of setting clear boundaries, consent, and honest conversations before and during the encounter. Tune in for a candid conversation on navigating threesomes and making them as enjoyable and respectful as possible.
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Transcript
Introduction and Topic Announcement
00:00:00
Jon McCray Jones
Hi, this is John with the Phonosex Podcast. And I'm Natalie. So today we're going to talk about threesomes because surprisingly, three of our friends who we know actually had a good threesome and it was their first time really meeting each other and hanging out.
Negative Experiences in Threesomes
00:00:16
Jon McCray Jones
And normally when I see people who are in a couple and they meet a third, especially a man and a woman who meets a third woman, And their first time connecting ends in a threesome. I'm normally like, Ooh, know? Yeah.
00:00:31
Jon McCray Jones
A lot of them go very, very poorly. and sadly, it's a lot of people's first impression of non-monogamy. So they're like, Oh my God, it's so
Challenges of Non-Monogamy
00:00:41
Jon McCray Jones
toxic. And it's like,
00:00:43
Jon McCray Jones
there's a reason a lot of them go wrong yeah like in my time with non-monogamy there seems to be no group scenario that goes as wrong for as many people as a threesome like normally when somebody tells me they have a bad experience with group play or a bad experience of non-monogamy my initial guess is like hey was that a was it a threesome you tried yeah and like why do you think that's the case I think for a lot of people, they these people were like deep down, they want to get into group play and they have a desire for a threesome. I think a lot of people are viewing it as kind of just like a fun, crazy thing to do for one night and not that they are opening up their relationship.
00:01:32
Jon McCray Jones
Like you are in some type of open dynamic.
Importance of Inner Work
00:01:35
Jon McCray Jones
if you're having sex with someone outside of your main partnership, that's what it is, but they don't view it that way.
00:01:43
Jon McCray Jones
So they never consider have to do all the inner healing and inner work that it takes to be non-monogamous. I mean, you can't just expect that you're going to, for the first time in who knows how long you've been dating, see your partner fuck someone else in front of you and be like,
00:02:00
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah.
A Threesome Gone Wrong
00:02:01
Jon McCray Jones
I mean, some people are just naturally so polyamorous that they don't have any negative feelings, but that's not most people. i mean, yeah, we're raised in a monogamous culture where it invokes jealousy or anger or some type of big emotion when you see your partner having sex with someone else.
00:02:19
Jon McCray Jones
And, like, I agree. I think that when it comes to threesomes, you get a lot of couples. i personally met a lot of couples who are like... Yeah, we're monogamous, but like we have threesomes from time to time. Yeah.
00:02:32
Jon McCray Jones
And I think the thing is, couples don't see it really as opening up their relationship as much as they see it as, this is somebody that we're adding to our sex lives, or more like something we're adding to our sex lives. Yeah.
00:02:45
Jon McCray Jones
to spice up our relationship and make our relationship so fun, more fun. And they see it as like a sex toy or some one-off experience when you're on vacation and you get drunk.
00:02:56
Jon McCray Jones
Because like I have a person that I know who went on vacation with their best friend. It was him, his partner, let's call her B and her best friend C. And they'd all decided to get drunk at a resort and have a threesome.
00:03:12
Jon McCray Jones
And B didn't unpack seeing her friend. His B and C were friends. Yeah. B didn't unpack how she would feel seeing her friend C fuck her boyfriend.
00:03:24
Jon McCray Jones
And the threesome started. B and C were making out. And of course, because of like how men are socialized to view sapphic relationships,
00:03:37
Jon McCray Jones
The man didn't have that much of an issue and he thought it was hot. We can actually touch on how a lot of like men actually do get jealous about their sex. But like in this situation, he thought it was hot and then him and B had sex.
00:03:49
Jon McCray Jones
And then when him and C, who's not his partner, had sex, B flipped out and attacked her on the bed while she was still having sex with B's boyfriend, B attacked And C was like, what the fuck? We all agreed to this. And B was drunk and angry and that ended their friendship.
00:04:10
Jon McCray Jones
B flew back from the vacation early.
Threesomes and Counterculture
00:04:13
Jon McCray Jones
And I think it's what you said is this idea that like when you fuck another couple or when you go to like a party or a club, there seems to be a little bit more conversations about like, hey, we're breaking the status quo of like what defines a monogamous relationship versus like For some reason and somehow I think maybe because of like the mainstream acceptance or how much people talk about threesomes openly, i think people don't see threesomes as something that's anti-monogamous culture and threatens the status quo of the relationship.
00:04:50
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, they don't see it as countercultural. And these aren't people where they've done any type of research before getting into it. um and you know the other thing i'd say just as somebody who's done a lot of group play too is that like odd numbers trigger people it triggers your insecurities i mean i've even been in like trio friendships where it's completely platonic and whoever perceives themselves as the odd one out gets jealous and insecure.
Odd Numbers and Jealousy
00:05:22
Jon McCray Jones
So that's like my advice to people too, where they want to get into group play is like, you may want to try four people as a good starting number because in a threesome or a fivesome, there may be moments where you're kind of off by yourself and you have to have that secure sense of self that these people playing together are not with me. doesn't mean
00:05:43
Jon McCray Jones
I'm less than or they don't want to have sex with me They're just having their own moment as a pair. And then normally from my experience is I hear that it's the couple when one of the members of the couple is not being played with. That's when they get jealous. So I've heard lot of stories where couples are in a threesome and like after they both after the group play where all three are engaged with each other ends, the couple has sex and like the third person is like, oh, I'm just going to see myself out because like I'm not involved here anymore. You guys are like, you did spice up your sex life and now you guys are having sex with each other.
00:06:19
Jon McCray Jones
But it seems that when like one person in the inside the couple gives more attention to that third person, it invokes jealousy and insecurity and big emotions.
Individuality in Threesomes
00:06:30
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. In one of the members of the couple who's the odd person out at that time. And I just... I think it also, like, it really taps into that idea of them not seeing the third as a person with their own desires, pleasure, feelings, emotions.
00:06:48
Jon McCray Jones
So it's just kind of like, oh, what do you mean? You were supposed to be here for my pleasure? Now I'm not getting pleasured. And I think that's why, like, when I hear about threesomes and it's like, three people who are but no one is in a primary relationship rather it's like three friends or three acquaintances or like a true polycule or what is it called is a polycule three people they have like a specific name well there's like tryout throuple yeah like a true like tryout or throuple i think that like their threesomes i hear less about them going wrong because it's not the couple having sex with her it's three individuals who are all having sex with each other
00:07:28
Jon McCray Jones
yeah And I think when it becomes couples, it becomes me and you are having sex with this third person and not I'm having sex with this person and I'm having sex with you and you're having sex with me and you're having sex with this person.
00:07:41
Jon McCray Jones
It's always viewed through the lens of we're doing this as a couple. And I think that when one person feels left out, they're like, well, this no longer feels like we're doing it as a couple. And that's when big emotions happen.
Power Imbalances in Threesomes
00:07:52
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. They still are viewing this. They're viewing this non-monogamous act through the lens of like monogamy and through the lens of like couples privilege. Yeah. word Do you ah want to define what is couples privilege?
00:08:07
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, i think couples privilege, it comes from this place of viewing things through a monogamous lens where the most important person in your life should be your partner, the primary partner.
00:08:21
Jon McCray Jones
And the couple's feelings and desires and relationship should be placed above everything else. So, right. It's like that very monogamous thinking of like, Oh, once you get married, your husband has your whole life. And like, you never see your friends anymore, but it is really a thing that's involved, especially with people who are seeing unicorns, who are trying to date a solo person as a couple where,
00:08:49
Jon McCray Jones
You know, you talk to a lot of these people, especially women who get into these situations. And of course, it's not every couple who dates a solo woman. But a lot of times these couples are just kind of like...
00:09:03
Jon McCray Jones
you know, we'll discard this person or change boundaries or just make big decisions without even considering the third as though they don't even see them as a partner in the relationship.
Cultural Normalization of Threesomes
00:09:15
Jon McCray Jones
I think that, like, one thing i will disagree is that, like, I think that this happens mostly the mainstream and how we talk about within, like, a men-woman couple going after a third woman with unicorn hunting but I've also like heard this conversation a lot in the gay community where like two gay men bring in a third and then there's like an act of jealousy I think is more of like the idea that you have two people who are in a relationship with each other who view each other's and the couple's experience and emotions as more important to the experience and
00:09:54
Jon McCray Jones
how they either positively or negatively respond to things as more important than like the third person who's lacking out. Yeah. And don't view the third person either as a human in
Communication Issues in Threesomes
00:10:05
Jon McCray Jones
the experience. And I mean, like they're objectifying them as a sex toy, or even if they do view them as a human, they view them as subhuman and not in like the political tax, but subhuman as in like,
00:10:16
Jon McCray Jones
your experiences matter less than us as members of the couple and we have priority on all in this situation hu why do you think that it is that like couples seem to like dip their toe in threesomes before anything else I mean, i think because there is such a normalization of that form of non-monogamy in our culture, and mainly through the fetishization of women and bi-woman is how we see it in pop culture.
00:10:46
Jon McCray Jones
um But I think because of that normalization, a lot of people, you know, deep, deep down, they are into non-monogamy they you know, that's a lot to fully acknowledge. These aren't people where like they're self-aware enough or want to like completely rip up their life and become polyamorous, but you know, they have a desire for some form of non-monogamy.
00:11:12
Jon McCray Jones
So that's kind of the most available option in their brain in a culture that's monogamous where that's like the only acceptable form of non-monogamy. No, I completely agree with that. I think that
00:11:27
Jon McCray Jones
threesomes, like we said before, seems like it doesn't threaten a monochamous relationship. I think that like if you go to like your friends and you say, hey, me and my partner had a threesome, some people may judge, some people may disagree, but I think most people would like, oh, well,
00:11:44
Jon McCray Jones
okay, this is a one-off thing. It doesn't change anything about your identity or how you navigate your relationship going forward. Versus if you say that, like, hey, my partner has another partner or like, hey, me and my partner are, like, dating other couples, I think people would have, like, much more of a adverse reaction or even, like, a surprise reaction of, like, how does this center the relationship now? Because those acts are a lot more status quo de define
00:12:15
Jon McCray Jones
defying and less normalized. And I think that like another reason why couples jump into threesomes is that you see it so much in the media.
00:12:26
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. You always hear about throuples and like threesomes on like TV shows growing up. Like I was introduced to the concept of threesome when I was like 10 years old watching Bloom on a state.
00:12:38
Jon McCray Jones
And like while other forms of like non-monogamy I didn't discover well until like adulthood. And, like, didn't even know they existed. I think it's just, like, the idea that everybody knows that, like, threesomes is an option. I don't think a lot of people know that foursomes, swinging, polyamory sex clubs, swinger clubs are an option.
00:12:58
Jon McCray Jones
And I think the problem with that is that threesomes are so mainstream and, like, widespread. There's no culture or community around, like, threesomes.
Setting Boundaries
00:13:11
Jon McCray Jones
And when you talk about, like, swinging or, like, polyamory or like sex clubs, those all have like a communities with institutions and norms and like expected behaviors.
00:13:22
Jon McCray Jones
Not saying that people can't do the wrong thing, but there's more of a like a grounding for newbies versus threesomes, a random couple who's probably never talked to another couple who's had a threesome, just jumps into this.
00:13:36
Jon McCray Jones
They don't know what to communicate about. They don't know what to talk to the third about. And they're just like, oh, we're just going to like intuitively have this hot experience. And it's like, it's hard enough to communicate around sex, especially in the United States. when We're ashamed to not talk about sex between two people.
00:13:53
Jon McCray Jones
But then when you add a third, it becomes so much harder unless you know what you're talking about. You seem like you want some you want to add something in. No. Yeah, so like that's kind of where I'm at with this conversation is that there needs to be more conversations on how do you properly have a threesome in the mainstream and not just like the idea of the threesome just existing in our collective consciousness.
00:14:18
Jon McCray Jones
So I'm a new person who's looking to have a threesome. In the next like five to eight minutes, how would you tell me to go about having a successful threesome?
00:14:29
Jon McCray Jones
I think the first step is doing some inner self-reflection, you know, journal on it meditate on it. Think about what you desire to get out of this experience.
00:14:42
Jon McCray Jones
Think about preferences and things you absolutely don't want to see or don't want to do in this dynamic. Yeah, what your personal boundaries are. And really dig into like any deeper wounds or deeper triggers you have. Like,
00:14:58
Jon McCray Jones
Think of moments in your life that have triggered senses of insecurity and jealousy. um And really dig into that and ask yourself, like, okay, what are some potential things that could trigger these feelings?
00:15:13
Jon McCray Jones
um And on your own as well, have, like, a game plan for when you do get those negative emotions. Because if it's your first time, highly, highly likely there's going to be some ounce of a negative emotion at some point.
00:15:29
Jon McCray Jones
That's perfectly normal. It's a completely new thing. Monogamy is ingrained in you. But, you know, just kind of think about some coping mechanisms. Like, can you do some breathing? Can you go grab a drink of water? is there like a way of reconnecting with your partner that you can maybe like signal to them that you want to reconnect in that moment?
00:15:50
Jon McCray Jones
um And then from there, I would say it's time for you and your partner to talk together about everything you're feeling, any ideas of boundaries, your desires for the experience, things that you want to be hard limits, soft limits, things that are a maybe, and just really like dive in deep and share with them. Be like, you know in the past, i' felt jealous by this. So I'm guessing like this may come up, but like this is what I'm going to try to do if that comes up.
00:16:24
Jon McCray Jones
So yours while I agree with everything you're saying, different scenario though, what if like you're at a night out and a threesome is happening happening unexpectedly?
00:16:36
Jon McCray Jones
And like we can say to our blue on our face, hey, if this is your first threesome, maybe give it a day. But the reality of situation is people aren't going to listen to that. So what would you say to
Handling Unexpected Threesomes
00:16:45
Jon McCray Jones
that situation? and like How do you navigate that in the most ethical way possible if this is your first threesome?
00:16:51
Jon McCray Jones
I think all three of you tried to have as in-depth of a conversation as you can have about preferences, hard limits, boundaries.
00:17:02
Jon McCray Jones
I think you'd be very honest about where you're at in your journey and say, I've never done this before. So, you know, I don't know how I'm going to feel or if I'm going to react.
00:17:14
Jon McCray Jones
Um, but you know, something like i always do in group plays, like I just get physically tired. So I take breaks. So give yourself a little out, be like, Hey, like, you know, since I'm new, i might refresh my drink and take breaks. Don't take it any type of way or something like that, you know, but just be super open with all parties involved. And, you know, if you're the person in the couple and you're bringing home a third, be super honest with them. Like you haven't done this before. So if there's anything,
00:17:43
Jon McCray Jones
you know, that triggers you or doesn't make you feel super good? Like, please let us know. Yeah, I think that, like, whether this is a pre-planned out something, pre-planned out threesome or a threesome that just spontaneously happens, the most important thing is communicate.
00:18:00
Jon McCray Jones
ah Think about your heart boundaries. ah Even if it's, like, a spontaneous threesome, I don't advise someone who has never thought about having a threesome to have one. um Sure, there might be situations where someone who's never thought about this before absolutely loves it.
00:18:16
Jon McCray Jones
But I think that like if you've never desired or fantasized about this, there might be a reason why it doesn't appeal to you. But like I think that like my first thing is... would think I would communicate my boundaries. I would ask everybody individually, what are your boundaries? What are your triggers?
00:18:32
Jon McCray Jones
What are your hard limits? What are the things that you don't want to see? And I think that like you should get everybody to acknowledge that, like hey, if I feel jealous, I'm going to do the work to not externally project that jealousy and have that conversation.
00:18:46
Jon McCray Jones
This is a lot of people where I've heard stories of men who've had this fantasy of like, a threesome where the two women were going to be all over them. And then they become the odd person out.
00:18:57
Jon McCray Jones
And then they react sometimes violently to the idea of being left out because they start feeling insecure. And instead of saying like, Hey, like I'm going to take this deep breath and deal with this myself. Or even say like, Hey guys, can we take a pause?
00:19:09
Jon McCray Jones
They just react emotionally.
Aftercare and Communication
00:19:12
Jon McCray Jones
um The other thing that like, if you're in a relationship, I think you need to have a conversation about what happens after. Even if this is a fun thing, maybe bring somebody aside and it's like,
00:19:21
Jon McCray Jones
hey, are we going to cuddle with this person? Because I've heard stories where people have had amazing threesomes and then they get jealous when they see their partner or cuddling with somebody. Or they do the other thing where they the couple cuddles and then they just like left this third yeah to drive by themselves.
00:19:39
Jon McCray Jones
So have a conversation of like, hey, do you have any boundaries after? You ask the third, like, hey, do you have any boundaries after? i think the couple has a responsibility to acknowledge the power dynamics yeah I think also that like everybody should communicate about like what would a perfect threesome experience look like.
00:19:57
Jon McCray Jones
And to give everybody the chance to voice their desires what they're looking for. I think that like just playing it by air ear is like welcoming. Disaster to happen, if that makes sense. Yeah.
00:20:12
Jon McCray Jones
I think that's really important to communicate as a trio. And like I think a lot of times couples will... have a side conversation or multiple side conversations, plan out the threesome between A and B. And then they're just like, now we're going to come to you together as a C after we've already negotiated our boundaries.
00:20:29
Jon McCray Jones
And now this person's already at a power disadvantage because it's two people talking to one. um And I think the like the reality is, even if you do all the perfect communications...
00:20:40
Jon McCray Jones
an inner work, I think you need to prepare yourself to be ready to experience emotions for the first time. Emotions that may not be good feelings.
00:20:52
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, definitely. yeah so like, I don't think threesomes are bad and like this podcast isn't meant to scare people away from threesomes. No. But I do think that I do think that threesomes do take a lot more introspection than a lot of people give them. And like I don't think that like threesomes are inherently more risky than other group stuff when it comes to like relationship and boundaries.
00:21:20
Jon McCray Jones
But I do think that the fact that they're so widely known and accepted, people jump into it without doing a preparation that people do before they do other activities.
Concluding Thoughts on Threesomes
00:21:33
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah, I think you know, if you're pursuing a threesome, just be aware that other parties involved, um it's pretty likely they may not have done the inner work beforehand.
00:21:45
Jon McCray Jones
um And I think also acknowledge and reckon with yourself the fact that this could potentially be a very emotionally triggering event. You may think you have a very secure sense of self until You're kind of sat in the sidelines, not really sure how to get with the people who are playing. And yeah, it triggers a lot of negative emotions for people and that's okay.
00:22:12
Jon McCray Jones
Yeah. I think that's all I really have to say about this topic. you have anything else you want to add? No. right. Well, this has been the Fun with Sex Podcast. I'm John. And I'm Natalie.