Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Order of Ma'at: Crossroad Dues
164 Plays2 years ago
In today's episode Jezebel goes to church and the boys meet a chef with a particular proclivity as they gather anti-demon ingredients! Then they head back to the crossroads outside of town one last time but will things go according to plan? Let's find out!
Recommended
Transcript
Croissants, Characters, and Chaos
00:00:00
Speaker
I'm ready, Freddie. Oh, wait, are we starting? I'm not even like. We can run this Francis joke, by the way, Adam. Yeah, I saw that, but you already said I already said croissants. You you lost. No, I say croissants. You said buttery croissants. Commonwealth sounds ma'am. Well, the buttery is croissants.
00:00:24
Speaker
That'd be a good outro, Adrian. Come well, everyone. We're still going. Come well, come all. Over the place.
00:00:51
Speaker
the the
Tech Troubles and Game Introduction
00:01:21
Speaker
Hey, howdy. Hey, thanks for coming by to the show today. We've got a good one for you. I think I hope Had we haven't done it yet. So I can't really say it for sure. But um, anyway, we're gonna play or of mod monster of the week It's working now roll 20 was being a real son of a bitch to us. It was working and here we are like 40 minutes Yeah, we fucking didn't do shit for 40 minutes here any user. Um, here we are
00:01:46
Speaker
Um, we got Adam playing blankie, uh, Jesus. And we got, um, got, uh, Adrian playing the Kogmeister. Kog. Kog, Kog, Kog. And we got, um, Cass playing Jezebel. Do you have a bet for me? Classic line. Um, classic Jezebel. Um, that's really all you need to know.
00:02:15
Speaker
They talked to a demon. So you didn't recap shit. And then they talked to a lady last episode. We found a lady. Yeah.
Demon Negotiations Recap
00:02:25
Speaker
And they got you got her to kind of agree that she's going to not bother you anymore. And if and if you start to seem like you're going to get the demon, she'll help. But she's going to kind of play close to the vest because she doesn't want to piss off the demon if she if you're going to fail. She's not going to bother. She did say she would help if we found a way to put him away.
00:02:42
Speaker
Yeah, so it seems like you're gonna be able to accomplish it, she'll help, but otherwise she's gonna at least just stay out of your way and not stop you or bother you. So you got that at least out of it for sure. And then you're gonna go to town, you're in town, you're gonna go look around for some stuff to help you and try to stop the demon from getting people's buttholes or whatever he's doing. Souls, boys' holes. Buttholes, souls. What souls?
00:03:11
Speaker
so yes where are they i need those there's a little kid with one of those little like uh boxes with like the straps it hangs over you like like a like a sports ball game that they walk around with and he's like he's like try new cigarettes from butt soles anyone want to buy a butt soul today
00:03:34
Speaker
Butzels get your butzels and you
Cigarettes and Holy Banter
00:03:37
Speaker
ma'am. Would you like to try a butzels today? We're selling we're giving halfies out for free Would you like to buy a but we're giving half for free You're gonna break one and half and give me half of it for free
00:04:04
Speaker
But right. Hey, you. I don't care. Just give me the but I don't care. Just give me it. Just give me it. I need the but. I'm not giving that guy. He ran my last job for me. You're welcome, kid. What does he mean to you? He tricked me and he read the paper without paying for it. And they knew somehow when I got fired.
00:04:28
Speaker
It's okay. Luckily, child labor's in full swing so I can just get a job wherever. I was gonna say, yeah, they'll put you in a factory somewhere. Don't even worry about it. What do you mean? You'll be bottling coke before you know it. Okay. Well, I'm gonna leave now because this is enough of this. Bye.
00:04:45
Speaker
Alright, so, alright, so, Jesse, right? You know the plan. Go find ourselves, um, some, um... What did I say? Go find ourselves some holy items from a local church or someplace that sells holy things. You know, get what you can. Crosses, holy water, um...
00:05:00
Speaker
I don't know. Part-time priest that's thinking about quitting. I don't know. You know, whatever you can, whatever you can get your hands on. An old priest or a young priest. Bunnies that carry eggs. Bunnies that carry eggs. I got you. I got you. I'll go do that for you. Sure. Sure. Hey, you better have a butt for me. Oh my God. You know what? Just ask the priest. I'm sure they have plenty of butts. They have plenty of boy's butts in there. They let you touch. Anyway. Listen, listen here, Cogman. Here's the deal.
00:05:29
Speaker
We're going to hatch a plan. I got a little bit of an idea about how to draw some of these runes. Our friend over here, Louise, went ahead and drew a couple up for me, so I'm going to go ahead and start sketching a few. We just have to figure out where we're going to hatch our plan. Do you want to just summon him at the crossroads and just build our trap there? Yes. That would be the best way, I think. Yes. Now, I'm wondering if there's a way to summon him into the trap or if we need to make a trap on the crossroads, because how do we make sure that he's inside of it?
00:05:57
Speaker
He probably appear while he appeared last time. I don't know where he appeared from last time What do you say? I don't know where he appeared from last time. He just kind of showed up when we were talking Let's just put it up around the area that we were talking last time and then we can lure in him there
00:06:18
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, I'm sure that you have no idea that come right stand specifically over here beside
Building a Demon Trap
00:06:25
Speaker
me here. I mean, he seemed nice last time, so. Yeah, yeah. Nice is a good way of putting it. Maybe we can hire Olivia to, you know, do a little push, push spell and push them into it. Yeah. And. Do you want to get a weapon of yourself? I got.
00:06:47
Speaker
my greatest weapon is my brain so you throw your brain at him i mean as a last resort probably he's probably gonna take it out anyway
00:06:57
Speaker
Or maybe you'll produce some kind of brain powers and squish them with your mind powers. Yeah. Yeah. How about? Yeah. You know what? Let's go with that. All right. So let's have you let's have you practice summoning some sort of flame because then when we get some holy items, it could potentially make you turn that into a holy flame. All right. Where can we go practice? You flow throwing some flames without burning the place down. How about the forest?
00:07:23
Speaker
You know what, I've had about enough of you. I don't know why I'm asking you for ideas sometimes. You know what I mean? You're taking a piss. I was going to say, I hope that Judge Bell's doing better than we are right now. Judge Bell, you're walking down the street, smoking half of a butt. They're pretty good, those butts. These butts taste like souls. I love it. I love it. Butts, souls, ooh.
00:07:49
Speaker
Um, so you're walking along and there's a, there's a big old, there's a normal size church, um, somewhere along the roadway there in the main drag. And there's like, yeah. Bet your car's parked along the street and there's like a little drive, little spot as long as side is all full of cars. And, uh, there's a church.
00:08:10
Speaker
Oh, wonderful, wonderful. She like has her one hand on her hip and the other one's all like up with her elbow bent and her hand all like flailing everywhere with her cigarette and her fingers as she's just kind of like moseying up and she'll like walk up and she'll like knock on the door. She knows it's a church, but she's still going to knock on the door. Oh, well, who did that?
00:08:38
Speaker
Sound effect. Nice. Good job. You're welcome. I don't think anyone answers you here inside of here. She opens the door.
00:08:59
Speaker
That's great. There's like a shitload of people. The place is like full of pews and the walls are lined with people standing around. Everybody's in there. They're having a great old time listening. And the guy's like, and then God said, oh no, hold on. He was going to talk to Joel Osteen. And then God said, let it be so. And so it was. And everyone was like,
00:09:21
Speaker
Oh my god. Yeah. God's such a great fucking guy. Oh, I don't like to say this lightly, but I think it fits right now. Oh my god. I love that. I was like, thank you everyone for coming today. This is a, have a pleasant day. And remember, I'm my book on tape.
00:09:45
Speaker
It's you, God. Justin, you're on fire today, buddy. I knew for sure when you guys were like, I knew you guys were going to go to the church. I knew I wanted them to be Jolo Steen, and I wanted to have someone say, oh, God, I fucking love God. Did you say Jolo Steen? Jolo Steen. Oh, he's saying Jolo Steen. That's just a catchphrase, though. You know the guy who does all the self-help God stuff.
00:10:09
Speaker
Yeah, there's also that guy that just died that sucks. Make a church. Anyway, you're in there and everybody starts filing out because he finishes his sermon or whatever, his speech, whatever we call it, his God talk. Hi. Hi. Welcome to God talk. I'm Justin. I forget what church has what kind of guy in it. So this is just whatever church has a priest in it. That's what this is. He's a priest.
00:10:38
Speaker
This is one of those buildings that has a priest and a rabbi in it, so it's fine. I have five more minutes left still, rabbi. No, I still have five more minutes. You have to wait. I have more minutes of Christianity, okay?
00:11:01
Speaker
Come on, come on, just five more minutes of Jesus. Come on, five more minutes. I know you guys don't think from the same way we do, but come on. You can almost touch him. All right, anyway, see ya. He's up there, Cass. You're walking in here. People are like, oh, God bless you. God bless you. Excuse us. God bless me. God bless you. What do you do? She takes a seat in the pew and waits until he's finished with his... Oh, hey, does Jezebel take a pew?
00:11:27
Speaker
yes he's done he's done he's done Cassie you can do every fucking week you walk up in pocket okay so she'll walk up to him and say excuse me Baba man hello my child have you come for a good a good good word
00:11:48
Speaker
Um, kind of, I, uh, was hoping to get some holy items from you. I, uh, see her seem to have come into a situation and I need some, you know, things to, uh, help me and my friends out of this, uh, Jimmy jam that we've got ourselves into. Um, and he's, he's like really tall up on this behind the little podium. Uh, and I guess you're surprised Dana at the bottom of his little stage.
00:12:12
Speaker
And he's like, oh my child, please allow me to come there and talk to you closer. And he steps down. He goes down one step and he's like a head shorter than he was before. And he steps down another step and he's not a head shorter. And he comes down off the podium. He's like super short. He was up on like a giant, like a little stepping stool thing up there. He's just really short. I thought it'd be funny if he was like, look real tall, but he's really short. Anyway. I see. What happened to your getaway sticks? Well, these are the legs that God did see fit to bless me with. And I thank him for them.
00:12:42
Speaker
So anyway, I feel you're a troubled child and you need some guidance. Is that what you're asking me for? Sure, sure. I don't know about guidance or anything, but I was just hoping to get a little bit of holy water and maybe some crucifixes here and there because me and my friends seem to have gotten ourselves into a little bit of a Jimmy Jam, as I said.
00:13:04
Speaker
Oh, I know exactly what you would like here, young lady. All the young ladies like to get these from me. He goes behind like a curtain. He's like, he pulls out a t-shirt. This is a t-shirt I wore on one of my powerful sermons I gave where I drenched in the sweat of the Lord. Here you go. He throws it on your face. I let the sweat of Christ be upon you, boy, my young child.
Holy Water and Strategies
00:13:26
Speaker
she takes her like her pointer finger and her thumb and like takes it off of her face and she like you know holds it out from her body and then like throws it onto the floor uh i'm sorry sir but that's not exactly what i was looking for as i said um that's disgusting can i get maybe some of that holy water from the bin in the bag
00:13:51
Speaker
Now, why would you say you're bringing in a hole? If you're troubled, all you need is a good word that can flow through you. You don't need no hole in water. I'll give you a little tap on the head, perhaps, with it. That will help you. Well, it's not for me, as you see. I'm having to deal with a demon, as it was. So as I need some holy water for that. What? You said, what? Say, speak. There's my ears. Doth my ears deceiveth me.
00:14:19
Speaker
Oh, I mean, I mean, I was just hoping that maybe I could become a priest just like you. I don't know. Maybe, you know, maybe just start my own church or maybe I'm on flock as I, you know, why don't you try rolling, manipulate on somebody to try to ruffle church? Of course, of course. And second, 11, 11. Oh, well.
00:14:49
Speaker
Certainly. Why don't you come on back to my rectory back here and I'll I'll give you just a good supply I would love to have more Everyone more people speaking the good word the lower the better. I'll see you as you say I see in Plus well, anyway, follow me back to the record back here. I'm sorry Sorry about that. Oh Say praise God You know, this really is a ritzy church around here, how do you get the money for all of this?
00:15:19
Speaker
Oh, as you seen, the good people here at a town, they all come through. You know, it's really great to see everyone coming through. For a while, you know, we didn't have quite the turnout we have is now, but you see, you know, it's a good faith in the Lord that everything will be provided to you. And so anyway, here's my directorate. And he's like, look, here's a bit of a hole in water here. I'll give you a little drink, not a drink, but a little cup, a little bottle of that here. Let me just give you a little swig.
00:15:49
Speaker
It's just a little, uh, like a little small little like violin dips underneath and he puts a little cork in it. There you go, young lady. Um, um, what else did you happen to look for there? My young child to your, to get you on the path of righteousness. Yes. You have a Bible for me or maybe a crucifix or some sort. Anyone, any extras laying around, you know, it's no big deal. No big deal. As I said. Oh.
00:16:18
Speaker
you see it looks to a corner, there's like a typewriter with a bunch of pages to put in there, it's like, I do have my, I'm working on a book myself, but I have not quite yet finished it there. That would be great for you, I'm sure, but yeah, I've got plenty of old bios laying around here. Fix one a little, like a little one up here, and here you go, that's for you there. And, I mean, yeah, here's a little crucifixion necklace, I suppose. It's got the little man on it, and little Jesus on there for you.
00:16:47
Speaker
The little man, as you said. Wow. Look at that. Look at his little crowd on his head. He's got the little man on there. Look at his little toes. Justin's on fire today. He's awesome. Look at that little man. Look at his little fellow. Gucci, Gucci, Gucci, little Jesus. Little baby Jesus. Look at you.
00:17:07
Speaker
I don't you look at looking at looking a little on his face. You could tell he's he's happy to die for our sins. Can I get can I get a man on a cross? Yes. Praise Jesus. Yes, I am wrapped by Jesus as well. I am in rap. Well, that's I think that should sit on your way there, young lady.
00:17:34
Speaker
Is this how I need to defeat the demon? I mean, to start a new church, yes, yes.
00:17:44
Speaker
Young lady, that's the second time you said, are you, is there something you're not? Listen, young lady, I'm, I'm well versed in understanding when people's track got something, they got balled up inside of them. They need to let, like when someone was telling me their sins and they're not quite ready to tell me, I feel you've got something in there. You want to let it out. I'm sorry. I've been on the giggle juice as it was. So I apologize. I am just spouting out nonsense. Just nonsense as it were. That giggle juice ain't no good. I don't like that stuff going on there, but uh,
00:18:12
Speaker
Yes, but what can you do in these hard times these days? I mean, but that's why I want to start a church, you know, so I can get myself clean. Indeed. There's many, many a speakeasy in these parks that I feel has got people doing all sorts of untoward things, but I should say you're on your way to doing God's work there, young lady. Wonderful, wonderful. Thank you so much, Mr. Bibleman.
00:18:41
Speaker
Yes, you're welcome. She'll like kind of curtsy over with her little dress and then she's gonna like tip toe up to him and then just
00:18:54
Speaker
gently kiss him on the cheek with her arms up and like her fingertips all like touching himself. I thought I heard you say kiss her with your arms and I was like what?
00:19:14
Speaker
Sorry. Thank you very much. That's great. Now, could you just go ahead and see yourself out here. I've got some business to attend to now. Thank you very much for that. Oh, yes, no problems. Thank you so much for your help. So she like starts wiping the lipstick off his cheek. Oh, yes, thank you. OK, bye now. Sorry about that. When you leave, you fuck off. That's great.
00:19:42
Speaker
What about what about the other guys? What are you doing? What's happening? Where are you going? What's your what's your business? All right. For the last time, we can't throw fire in the forest. I feel like I shouldn't have to explain this. So I was thinking maybe you could start rapping and like the fire be spitting would be enough to knock my sword. I don't think rap was invented yet. I invented. What, Louise, are you rapping? What does that mean?
00:20:08
Speaker
She just sees us nodding, she's like, oh, good idea. Right. See you at least on my side. Louise. You know what? All right. Her excuses, her after brains have rotted away. What's yours? Yeah. Where's the rest of your brain, E.Cog? Did you did you did you lose it? And so I mean, I have a brain in my head. OK, I feel like some of it's in your ass.
00:20:39
Speaker
Why are you looking at my ass? Because I want to see if there's any brain matter on there, okay? Let's just get out of here. Let's go see if we can find Jesse. So look, we actually know, Jesse's doing a thing. Let's just go... Can you summon Flame? Why don't we practice that? Why don't we go outside? You know, we'll go in the alley somewhere. I'm pretty sure, okay, yeah. Why don't we see if you can, alright? Why don't we just go into it, dip into an alley real quick and just see, you know, worst thing you'll do is burn yourself.
00:21:07
Speaker
I'm already so hot. How are there? Is there an alley in which we can practice fire? That's where the buildings are mostly made of stone that we can creep between.
Magic Practice and Salt Gathering
00:21:20
Speaker
Yeah, you could probably go behind some. There's some stone buildings around some brick buildings. All right. Look, let's just go over here. Make sure you can do it because I don't want you to choke when game time comes. All right. OK. All right. Let's see it. Come on now. You know, put up your dukes.
00:21:37
Speaker
You're ready to summon some flame. I haven't seen you do it yet. So let's just make sure you know, like rubbing my hands together and I do use magic. Excellent. Yeah. Yeah. I see that you're rubbing your hands together and you're going to do some sort of magic. You don't have to tell me. All right. So you got an effect and a glitch. So you're effecting fire. What's your glitch? My glitch is.
00:22:07
Speaker
Uh, the effect has a short duration. Okay. So it's like spurts the fire out there. It just stops. See, there was fire. Well, uh, Hey, you know what? That's, that's really great. That's really great. What you did there. I'm really, I'm really happy that we did this. Maybe if you blow on it, maybe it gets bigger. How about you?
00:22:34
Speaker
How about you blow on me, okay? Right, Louise, did you hear that? I said you don't want to blow the cock. No, I don't. Listen, there's only so far you can stretch this joke there, cog man. Listen, we understand you really want to just be a giant cog, okay? All right.
00:23:00
Speaker
All right. So you can summon flame. That's good. All right. I got the blueprints for how to draw some, some demon trappers here. Um, I don't think that there was anything other than I have to either get some stones and maybe trace some sort of sigils on the ground. Uh, Oh, we got to get some salt. That's what we need. Yeah. Let's go get some salt and maybe some milk. Maybe he's lactose intolerant too. Maybe we could drink the milk.
00:23:26
Speaker
Right. Yeah, right. Your bones get all strong and stuff. Louise, was there anything in there about what kind of materials I had to use to make these traps? She flows through some pages. She shows you like a page that says blood. And it says listen, like it says like best to worst, child's goats, adult. And it's like salt, oil.
00:23:56
Speaker
Holy oil, holy water. There you go. Oh, well, you know what? Let's get some salt and, um, you know, we'll check the, we'll check the kitchen, see if they got any extra blood laying around. Oh, we could just use my blood. You want to make, do you realize how much blood I'm going to need to make this thing? Do you realize how often you're going to have to bleed for me to make this? You want to even remotely be effective by the time that we fight this thing? Cause you're not gonna, you're going to have to drink so much orange juice and eat so many peanut butter sandwiches before you can function.
00:24:27
Speaker
I think that sounds pretty tasty. Yeah, it does. And you also get some cookies to go with it. But while you're dining on cookies and sandwiches and orange juice back in the lobby, you know, the only people that don't have superpowers are going to be the ones that got to go fight the damn demon. This was your idea in the first place, mister. You're not getting out of it. You're not going to go and eat cookies without me. That's not my plan. If anybody, I'm going to eat cookies and you go fight the demon. This was your idea. Damn, now I want cookies. Luis! Maybe you'll eat cookies and I'll return our blood.
00:24:52
Speaker
I, oh my God, I, no, we're not going to use blood. We're going to go, we're going to go get, we're going to, we're going to get that kid who sells the, the butts in the newspapers and we're going to kill him. We're going to, we're going to use him. We're going to use him. He has a terrible life. He's going to retire in a few years anyway. He's fine. Right. So let's go to the kitchen of the hotel and see if we can't grab some, um, you know, maybe a couple of shakers of salt or perhaps like a box of it or whatever the main container is that they came in at the time. Um,
00:25:22
Speaker
And there's a road time man and like a dirty old apron and a chef's hat on and he says, oh, hello, I'm cookie. Hi, Cookie. Do you have some cookies? This is my this is my. It can't take this one. Go ahead. What do you mean? Just talk to Cookie, was it?
00:25:49
Speaker
Yes. Yes, just my name. His name is Cookie. Is that how Chevy talked? It's pretty close. It's close though. I don't normally say a person to see. So, oh yeah, because you want some salt. Do you have some salt in your kitchen? Oh, you need some salt or a spaghetti? Some salty salt, yeah. Oh, we're making a salty food item. Okay.
00:26:17
Speaker
Oh yeah, we are like about to go hunting and you want to like, grill it while we're there and some salt would be good. Oh well, I can't just be giving away salt, but if maybe yeah, manipulate me or make it worth my while. How about I do that and press on that charm button, your charm button?
00:26:40
Speaker
You've missed my charm button there, actually. Yo, girl, let me press on that charm button. Kind of missed the charm button. Like most men, you couldn't find the charm button. That's OK, Ken. It happened to the best of us, except for me. It never happened to me. Yeah, I can't be given away for free, but if you got some money... I don't know. Do we have some money, Planky? OK. All right, look.
00:27:09
Speaker
I feel like you got some money when you were in the club, right? What are you talking about? I don't know, man. I don't know. Hey, listen. Candy, was it? What was it? Cookie? Cookie. Cookie, my friend. Hey, look. Do you believe in demons? Oh, I believe there's demons. We're all facing it our lives, don't you? Yeah. And look. Me? I quite like, um, what's that really? I'll be very in defeat.
00:27:40
Speaker
What if my friend Eacog here shows you his toes? Oh, I would like to see your toes. Could I trade you? Could you trade you some toe time for some salts? Let me get a peek of those toes. I'll see if they're worth it.
00:28:00
Speaker
All right, slip off your shoes every time I'm untressing more than my shoes. Hey, you just have to take off your feet. You don't have to take off. Stop, stop, stop, stop. You can buckle your blades there. Louise, I've heard your gaze. Roll another manipulate someone with advantage. Oh, you you're seeing. I was going to say, like, oh, and I roll it. Can I roll it? Since it's it's me who's trying to do it. Yeah, as far as mint.
00:28:30
Speaker
Fuck. You got a plus one there, big boy. You got a seven. All right. Perfect. I'll take it. A seven. Hmm. What? Can I? Yeah, you can touch him. Sit down on the floor there, big guy. You can't have my toes to mine. My friend here doesn't want to take your toes. They just want to spend some time with them. I want to take a look. That's fine.
00:28:57
Speaker
Hey look, you know what you spend time with he cogs toes he toes and I'm gonna go ahead and take that box of salt right there Okay, there's a whole jar. Take the whole thing. All right, this oh even better. All right. All right. All right. I'm seeing 10 because roll action the pressure See if you get if you have to give you start giggling from getting to go to the feet You're like
00:29:23
Speaker
This one is Steve and this is one next to him, I call him Bob. The big one is Margaret. Recently I renamed my pinky toe Louise. You're very cute. Louise is like the small sister of like Bob. Oh, hello, Bob and Louise.
00:29:48
Speaker
So yeah, Blacker, you leave with the salt and we'll just say for expediency sake down the street, you see Jezebel walking out of the church, she's walking down the street. There she was, just a-walking down the street, saying- Where's the holy water? Yeah, where's the body-diddy-doom-biddy-doo, butt-souls, butt-souls.
00:30:16
Speaker
Oh, anyway, so yeah. Yeah. Oh, hey, Jesse. Oh, boys, there you are. So one boy. Only one boy. Oh, it's OK. Where's the other boy? I'm drunk. I don't know. You know what it's. I'll let him tell you when he gets done with doing what he's doing here. Louise went to market. Oh, what are you? Yeah.
00:30:47
Speaker
Oh, hey, I just got a big old bundle of salt for a fair price, I would say. And, uh, did you come? Did you come? Well, I talked to the Bible man and I was able to get a couple of things. So we're good to go on that. What did you get? I got a Bible and I got a crucifix and I got some holy water. Did you get the one with the little man on it?
00:31:16
Speaker
I did. I did. Look at him. He's so curious. Oh, Gucci, Gucci, Gucci. Look at your little toesies. This little this little Christy pity with the market. All right. Perfect. How much holy water you got? This much. She like. Keep her. How much holy water did she get? A little vial, a little glass vial. I got a little glass vial.
00:31:46
Speaker
So, yes. Just a little bit on the cross and a little, a little radio Bible. What if we put a little dash of it and mix it up inside of the salt? If it would kind of, you know, if it would absorb it a little bit, you know what I mean? Maybe make it more potent potable as it were. Maybe. He tried to give me a shirt that he had all covered in sweat and it was disgusting. He threw it on my face and now I need to go wash it. Let's go.
00:32:13
Speaker
Oh no, we should go get that shirt. We can give it to- we can give it to Cookie and get more favors. Oh no, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Alright, damn. Alright, that's gonna say a little bit of- a little bit of pre-sweat. I don't know. Could be good for a witch's brew, if nothing else. Um... Alright, well let's go get this shit done with them. I'm tired of being here. I'm tired of being in this back- what- a black- what is this called? Backwoods? Backwoods? No. I hate it. I don't wanna be here anymore. Oh god, where'd you come from? Put your shoes back on, you freak.
00:32:44
Speaker
Whoa, how is there two of you two? What is going on here? There's always been two. Oh my god. No, there's four of you. The fact that you were able to find your way back here from the church is just beyond me. I don't know how you did it. I'm so proud of you, Jesse. Listen, when we get back, I'm going to buy you all the butts, okay? All the butts a dame could possibly want. Yes. Nobody's, hey, look, nobody's ever died from smoking too many butts, okay? How are you sure about that?
00:33:13
Speaker
I don't know. FDA hasn't said anything about it. But for whoever it is, it makes... Who wants a butt? Great for your health. Helps you live a long natural life. Great for the lungs. See? That little kid knows what he's talking about. He's probably had a few butts. Look at him. He's growing like a weed.
00:33:33
Speaker
Look at this. Dark sword under his eyes, yellow skin. Listen to his hair. He's going to say, look at that dirt under his fingernails. That's how you know it's good stuff. All stained. Yeah. Yeah. I can smell your breath from here, kid. That's how you know you're becoming a man. Look at how many feet he's missing. All right. Let's get the hell out of here. Do you feel you could make some money by showing people my toes? What is your thing about toes?
00:34:03
Speaker
I mean, I was just in there with this, like, cook and he really liked my toes. And then you hear, oh, yoo-hoo! And he's, like, hanging out the window with a little handkerchief, and he's, like, doing, like, a classic cartoon, like a lady does in the cartoons.
Humorous Barter and Final Prep
00:34:15
Speaker
He's like, bring those toes back any time, big boy! All right, everyone, next time. Bye-bye. You just keep bringing the salt, big guy, and I'll keep bringing the toes. I'm going to put a big order of salt in next week, huh? And maybe make a big old heap of goulash.
00:34:35
Speaker
Yeah, it says it's a real real treat. Well, okay. Do you have the things? Yeah, we got the things. Good. Yep, we got them. Then it's fuck up a demon. All right. Let's Louise. I mean, I mean.
00:35:01
Speaker
Assume the position we ride. Yeah. OK. So you're right. Are you riding Louise now? Always. I was riding e-cogs back. Yes. All right. Don't let me down. We're going to go to the scene of the of the demon, I guess. Scene of the crossroads, huh?
00:35:30
Speaker
Yeah, I guess we're gonna go do that and get this whole- Oh, no, we gotta stop at Olivia's house. Why? Because I'm gonna recruit her to help us out. Hmm, alright. She said that she would give us a hand as long as we had a guaranteed way to trap the man and maybe do away with him for good. You know, we got holy water. We're potentially making holy fire. We got traps. We got crosses. We got the holy bibley there. We got a lot of stuff in our favor here. You gotta cross with a little man. That's a dead little man.
00:35:58
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, that guy, I don't know. I don't know if that was my brain having an idea. Yeah. So what we're going to do is we're just going to ask her. Maybe she can help, you know, push the big pollock into the trap or something. And by the big, by the boom, we get them out of here. OK, what do you say, Jesse? I'm I'm there for it. Yes, the more help, the better. Hey, listen, I have one question I have to ask you about this. We can just have this conversation as we go.
00:36:27
Speaker
Do you know exactly where a crossroads demon appears when we summon him? Because he didn't show up exactly where we buried the thing. Well, like I said, everywhere is just different between each demon. It depends on which demon you want. So you have to go to that specific crossroads. Right. But I mean, like, where on the crossroads does he show up? So if we go to the same crossroads we just were, he didn't appear right where the roads meet.
00:36:52
Speaker
Do you know if there's like a general vicinity that he appears in or is he just that he's he just because he's an asshole. Crap. All right. Well, we're going to have to get sneaky. Yeah. Maybe we hide the trap here in some bushes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, maybe we can do something like that. Yeah. We can we can hide it somewhere. All right.
00:37:20
Speaker
All right, let's go do this thing. Let's go stop at Olivia's house first. All right. Hey, look, you get there. There's a depop, a depapidated old shack, which. Yes, I need your door knocking fully. The door still hangs. That's still no. You know, I'm still knocking. I'm knocking on what's the parts on the floor. There's no answer and don't seem like anybody's inside of there. Damn. Oh, Olivia. Hello.
00:37:51
Speaker
You get nothing. All right. Well, this was a waste of my time. I think she's home. All right. Wow. What was your first clue? And the award goes to. Good job. They have another brain in his ass. Not to not to point you guys help. I mean, I guess it's helping you. It's not really bad to say
Demon Negotiation and Soul Deals
00:38:10
Speaker
it. You could do magic and try and talk to somebody that's not here right now. You mean Olivia? Yeah.
00:38:20
Speaker
I think she'll be there when she like wants to be there. All right. You know what? Let's prepare our gear then. Okay. Let's just stay in the shack and prepare our gear. All right. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to take a small amount of the vial. Uh, and I am going to pour a little bit of it into the jar of salt and I'm going to shake it up.
00:38:43
Speaker
Man, I would like the rest of the holy water so I can put it on my sword. But no, we're not going to put it on your sword. We're going to use it to make holy flame, remember? Yeah, but you would do the holy flame on my sword. You want to put it on your sword? I thought you were going to cast it in its face like a surprise. No, I was like thinking to put it like on my sword and put it like it on fire. I would have like a flaming sword and I could like smash him. Oh, here, I was just going to have you drink it. That way you could just summon holy stuff whenever you wanted.
00:39:11
Speaker
Oh no. Holy pee! Yeah, your pee could be holy. I don't know if it works that way. Alright, so here's what we're gonna do. I'm gonna put a little bit in the jar. I'm gonna take out one of my kerchiefs that I used for my chloroform, and I'm gonna put a little bit on there. I'm gonna put a little bit on there, and I'm gonna hand that to Jezzy, and I'm gonna give the rest to Ekog to do whatever he wants with it. What chloroform work are a demon?
00:39:38
Speaker
It's not about the chloroform. It's about the fact that we can sneak up behind them. I don't know. But you know what? But if I mix a little bit of chloroform with some holy water, who knows? Maybe it'll maybe it'll make them mad sleepy. I don't know. So, Jesse, hold on to this. If you need to sneak up behind them and do a little, you know, or just throw it in his face if it gets too close. I don't know. But just keep it there just in case you need something to, you know, you got the cross on you as well. So, you know, I'll let that review.
00:40:08
Speaker
Yes, I don't know what to do with this Bible. What am I supposed to do with this? I don't know. I was, you know, I got I panicked. You know what? Maybe maybe. Yeah, I was going to say, I've heard of throwing the book at someone. Maybe we just throw it at him and he'll be like, ah, no, I don't want to read. I mean, you never know. I panicked. I accidentally slipped that I was trying to defeat a demon and the priest kind of looked at me weird. So I had to say that I was starting a new church and I needed things. So.
00:40:36
Speaker
You know, maybe we can just burn some pages from it to show to gain his trust. Maybe. I don't know. Oh, you're the reason. Let's just bury the Bible. Let's just bury the Bible to some of them. Maybe that'll do it. Let's do it. It's like a little land mine. OK. All right. So we got to set the trap. So so I'm going to take the salt infused with the holy water and I am going. How much do you think that I would have that? How much area do you think that I could cover with what I know how to make?
00:41:06
Speaker
Oh, the jars with the jar that he gave us. Oh, let's say I'm going to say the word 10 foot radius of a circle. Sorry, can you say can you say a number? What do you say? And foot radius diameter circle, 10 foot long. Wait, is it 10 foot radius or 10 foot diameter? 10 foot wide circle, 10 foot one side of the other is 10 feet probably. All right. OK.
00:41:35
Speaker
So it is a 10 foot diameter circle. That's about. That's not pretty sizable. It's not that bad. It's like it's like as long as it's like almost two, two of a five foot tall guy. Yes. OK, so what we're going to do is I am going to. We're going to.
00:42:03
Speaker
Just trying to think do I know that if I cover up this the sigil with something that it won't work Like if I bury it there's still probably work, but also we can imagine Let's say you're there and I probably a dirt red spray would stand out a little bit, but I mean yeah I was gonna say what do you really notice a bunch of salt all over the ground like if we're you know You're making a pretty big design like a pretty noticeable pattern. I guess it might be a little notice Yeah, I guess so that would probably be a little a little
00:42:34
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. OK, so then we're going to do that. I'm just going to make a big one on the ground, maybe not too far from it and then just like. I don't know, what can we cover this thing with? He's going to see it and he's going to know what we're doing. A whole bush. OK, you just go rip some bushes out of the ground and be fine. Yeah, just go. Yeah.
00:42:58
Speaker
There's a cog in the bushes. There's bushes all over the road. That's no trap here. Yeah, why don't you go look in the bush? Real surprising, everywhere. All right, so we're going to do that. I'm just going to find as many miscellaneous... No, I'm just going to kick some fucking rocks around it. I'm just going to try to kick some gravel and some dirt around it, just to disguise it a bit, make it look a little less conspicuous.
00:43:25
Speaker
Um, you know, we got, we got ecog. That's good. He's going to try to fucking push him into it anyway. We're just going to try to blindside this fool. So like, I wasn't gonna make you rocked under pressure. See if you don't fuck it up on accident, but I don't really care. It's fine. Yeah. You cover up. You obscured enough. It's, it's just got some dust over the salt and stuff like that. I'm going to do it anyway. It's still there. Rolling nine.
00:43:44
Speaker
That's great. Yeah, you can do it pretty well. Perfect. Okay, so, Jazzy. You and I are gonna do a little bit of talking. I'm gonna try to get his attention to look at me. You try to get... Always keep him in between the two of us. That way he can't go after us both. And Eacog, man, I don't know. Whenever you decide to light your sword on fire. Do you want to do that now? Because I don't want you to get caught in the middle of the battle. I mean, he's gonna see a big flaming Holy Sword.
00:44:09
Speaker
I'll do it with a big entrance. You know what? That's great. Why don't you start lubin' up right now? That way you can light that shit up when it's time. Go by the bush and start polishing your rod. It's a good idea. Let me just hide in a bush right here and I'll just come onto the scene whenever you guys need me. Yeah, you hear...
00:44:37
Speaker
Like oh my god keep it down cog man Yeah, is he gonna sense the fact that we have a cross on us Hell if I know yeah, probably all right All right, then I'm gonna bury the Bible underneath the dirt and then okay, and then
00:45:05
Speaker
wait and see if he shows up. Excellent. Did you just do like a little hippie bippie before to just show up? We have to do the pen or the pentagram in the dirt. Right. Right. Right. OK, so we do we do that. Get me a stick. Big daddy, Satan, send me your best boy. And he appears again in his little suit and his little
00:45:35
Speaker
I guess shoes. Um, and it looks like it did before. Ah, changed our minds. Have we, we're here for a bit of, um, uh, an arrangement to be hiding. Yeah. Yeah. Something like that. Yeah. Um, I just had a quick question about how your deals work. Um,
00:45:59
Speaker
he is outside the circle you drew by the like the traffic okay how far is he from it and does he is he facing it he's like probably standing sideways to it but like a few feet away where is where is econ compared to that um i'm sure i'm sure you sent him up well enough that he was like off to the side of where you guys are standing so he's not too too far away okay sure um
00:46:25
Speaker
How do you... is there a way for me to give you half of my soul for something? Because I want half of it to go somewhere else. You want half of your soul to go... Yeah, what if the thing that I want from you is for part of my soul to go to someone else?
00:46:41
Speaker
I thought, you know, whatever I left the other day, yesterday it was, I believe, and you said all these questions and I said goodbye. I was such a strange interaction I had. I did something more to these people and then here you are. And here you are, chumps out of the bush. Prepare for trouble and make it cuddle.
00:47:04
Speaker
Yes. Wait, wait in line, sir. There's me and this young gentleman here. It's a very intriguing deal. And then I pull my big throttle back and put the holy water on the sword. You didn't put the holy water on the sword yet?
00:47:24
Speaker
No, I want to do this all the time. He was playing with his sword, don't you know? Yeah. Oh, my God. That's what I wanted to do. I think that's meant to be part of his big entrance. He's trying to do. I see. Okay. All right. Go ahead. What's big entrance do on the little thing there? Cog machine. Tell me what you got to do with it.
00:47:44
Speaker
When you make a showy entrance into a dangerous situation roll plus cooler 10 everybody stops To watch and listen to you until you finish your opening speech Wow
00:48:07
Speaker
On Amis, you're marked as the biggest threat by all enemies who are present. Well, at least we got that. He holds his hand out to you and you get force pushed into the forest. And he turns to you, Blanco says, anyway, about this very intriguing deal we were discussing. Blanco has his like, he's pinching the bridge of his nose. He's like, oh, my God.
00:48:37
Speaker
Fred has her face in her hand. I will not hold his actions against you and I hope you don't hold my blasting him into the woods against me in our arrangement here we're about to discuss. He's a third party not involved with either of us here. A, B, see your way out as I would say to him. Right. Back to it. Yes, half of you. Are you sure about this? Half of your soul to go where?
00:49:03
Speaker
Whatever you give me the other half. What? I like take any damage from that. No, you just got pushed away. I really can't hurt you. OK. Here's the damage you took is that you're just not your sword is somewhere. You're not able to do anything for a while. Oh, no. You just like buried under like a bunch of shit. Yes. So tell me more. So I would like for when I die for half of my soul to go to Louise. The creepy little lady there.
00:49:33
Speaker
Yeah, that's one way to describe her, sure. Interesting. Not until you... so I... upon your... that's... I'm not really giving you anything now, so it's not until your death you would be getting anything, so it would be fair enough that I would only get half the pay. Yeah, well, I do have one other proposition, depending on how you feel about this one. Yes. Because, you know, I mean, I would give it to her now, but that means that I would have to lose half my soul now, you see, and I kind of need the whole thing.
00:50:01
Speaker
Unless you can just, unless you can just cut around the parts that I don't need and just, you know. I mean, you would certainly be, I'm sure, feel different. But who say we wouldn't get rid of the worst parts of your, what makes you you? I don't know. That's true. What is your, what is your name? As, you forgot, or Asdical is my name. Asdical? Yes. Asdical. Asdical. It's with a Z, Asdical. What if I wanted you to come with me?
00:50:33
Speaker
Where to? A partnership. What's the word? Expound? I deal with a lot of dangerous shit, my guy. And I go to a lot of places where people who don't deserve to have souls in the first place. And so I would like for you to have a partnership with me where I can summon you for a little bit of help when I need it and you can take the souls when we're done.
00:51:03
Speaker
And when I'm gone, you can have. By that, you mean I'm assuming when people are expiring, I would take their souls from them as before they reach wherever they're going to go. Yes, especially if since we deal with other otherworldly creatures, supernatural ones and beasts, you can also have those from what I understand, there's also souls attached.
00:51:23
Speaker
That's very much out of the order of how we do things. I would probably put myself into some bit of danger with doing this outside of the box thing. So why don't you try to manipulate me into agreeing with this? Not only would it be out of the box, but you ever think that there's something volatile but potentially powerful about all these creatures? Why no other demon decides to go after them? You would be making a name for yourself, cutting your own cloth, as it were, paving your own path.
00:51:52
Speaker
Something setting an example for future generations as you develop more power to take over hell and eventually the world, which honestly, by the time that happens, I'll be dead anyway. So I don't really care. Let's see how it affected me when you do the old rolly polly of the dicey wastey. That's a five. I'm going to use luck because I really need this to happen. Okay.
00:52:14
Speaker
When I spend luck, eventually I will suffer some technical difficulties or breakdowns in communication or weird noises in my recordings, but I don't have any of those. So I don't know. You can come up with what that is later. I really need this to happen. So that's a 12. Hmm. Well. That's yes. And then you're just about with this as a side arrangement and we're still going to do the half soul deal as well.
00:52:45
Speaker
Yeah. All right, fellas, I'm quite intrigued by this. And of course, you'll be left my own devices until you decide you want me to help you suck off some people. So I mean, yeah, but I need you, but you work for me. Well, not for me, but with me. So you can't just go off doing your own thing. This has to be, we have to agree on our terms and what we're doing. It's a partnership, dude.
00:53:13
Speaker
Yes, exactly. But I mean, as you said, you would tell me when you need me. So while you don't need me, I'm going to be, of course, up to my own good. Right. All right. Well, look, here's the I just can't have you here anymore. All right. I need you to be somewhere where I can I just drop you down wherever we travel and you can go do your thing. As long as you ain't doing the bad stuff, you know, we just got to agree on turf, maybe agree on targets. Hmm.
00:53:42
Speaker
Well, when you say bad stuff, I've got to keep up my, I've got, what am I going to be doing when I'm not doing that? I got a record of men's gotta eat. You'll be working with me. I'll be getting you souls. Oh, not all the time. You won't be. I'm a few and far between. It might be. I mean, we're going to be vanquishing probably other demons. So we're going to be making your competition less. Hmm. I mean, I mean, truth be told right behind you, there's a, there's a trap. We were going to trap you. Oh.
00:54:10
Speaker
Oh, I didn't even, I quite honestly didn't even look over there. I do see, I do see cement is around. Oh, it's like an econ is going to be back here in about 25 seconds with a sword that's covered in holy water and probably holy flame. Right. So, I mean, we were just going to have an epic battle here and maybe all of us, and one of us would be dead or captured, or you can, uh, you know, just acquiesce, come with me, you know, find some way for me to take you in my pocket and then, you know, I'll drop you off in different locations to do some work while we're working.
Police Interruption and Comedic Close
00:54:43
Speaker
I don't mind you taking over Hell. I'm probably going there anyway, so I'll see you when I'm dead. They'd say in Hell, fuck it. The dream of upon your death, half your soul is mine, half it is for the young lady there. I'm not creepy at all, she isn't, a creepy at all. And the other agreement is that I guess I won't do any more deceiving of people to give me their souls and I'll just wait for you to say, hey, I've got a big weird thing for me to
00:55:12
Speaker
eat and I'll take that instead, huh? Can I add one more caveat and some people you might have to kill also, maybe perhaps, what, guess what, what now? I just want to make sure that I can continue to work with you. So can you guarantee that a certain number before I die? Or can you tell me when that's going to be?
00:55:42
Speaker
Um, no, no, if you, especially if you leave as dangerous of life as you say, fighting likes of me and, uh, things I know, I mean, I'm not gonna, I don't have any control of it when you die. If that's what you're asking. All right. Well, that's good to know. Yes. Well, all right. Well, the deal's a deal, Jessica Beale, when he reaches out his hand. All right. Then you shake push out. All right. And then, uh, this is e-cogs like standing up in the woods. You hear from down the road.
00:56:13
Speaker
A bunch of cop cars roll up and guys get out there like, freeze, cheese, motherfucker. It's freeze, Jim, freeze. And the chief comes out and he says, you know, bullhorn. The whole right there, you're all under arrest. And he looks at as the colonies under suspicion of satanic worship. Over. We just put your hands up.
00:56:39
Speaker
Come on in here and. Who the hell called the cops? Jesse, did you have someone call the cops before we came here? That's why it wasn't me. I don't know what you're talking about. He called. Don't swing your sword. I'm not back yet. I just assumed that you were running back at this juncture. I know. I thought you get tossed. Jesus. I was kind of hoping that when you guys get arrested, maybe you don't know he comes out in the woods and. All right, well.
00:57:09
Speaker
He's back. I mean, no one's out there. So, you know, just come on and. Are these same cops that we talked to earlier? Is the police chief here? Yeah, I guess he's one talking in the bullhorn. Oh, she like does that where she squints and kind of shields her eyes from the lights. She's like.
00:57:34
Speaker
Oh, hey, did you come back for some jiggy jag? You know, I knew you couldn't resist this hot tomato. And everyone, everyone starts laughing and the one guy from the, from the, uh, speakeasy is like, no, enough of that. That's not what we're here for. No, he turns at the board. Everyone calm down. We're here to arrest some, some, some people who don't like God and we're going to take them down to
00:58:05
Speaker
Hey, hey, hey, we like God, Jazzy, show him your cross. Look, look, I've got myself a crucifix here. We were trying to capture him. We swear, we swear, we're trying to kill him. Look, he's got the little man on it and everything. Run.
00:58:19
Speaker
Teddy Bies? What the fuck? That dude has disappeared. Definitely some satanic worship going on here, everyone. Just come on in, everybody. No, we don't want to fight here, everyone. Just come on, you two. We don't know what you're talking about. We don't see anybody around here. And then you hear someone says, don't worry, guys, I'll get them. And you see that Malkovich comes over and he looks at you guys and he winks. He's like,
00:58:47
Speaker
Come on, we'll take you in nice and easy, everybody, come on. All right. You know, and I look over at the police here for like, if it ain't the goddamn pot calling the kettle black. We are a non-racist town, I know what you heard, but... Overthinking we are here. This is the last time I shake my giggle sticks for ya. The last time I shake mine too.
01:00:19
Speaker
Does it look good already?