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EP 45: Marriage & Intimacy
2.3k Plays2 years ago
In probably our most anticipated episode yet, we are tackling the HIGHLY REQUESTED topic of marriage and intimacy after babies. It’s no secret that having a tiny human changes the dynamic of your relationship with your partner. In this episode, Whitney and Candace hope to help you see that intimacy in your relationship still exists! It’s just not the hot bang you used to have after a night out. Sorry, but that’s just the truth. Your marriage and the intimate moments you have with your partner look different, but that doesn’t mean it has to be BAD!
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Transcript
Introduction to Mom Group Chat Podcast
00:00:07
Speaker
There's no right way to do it. Oh, we're gonna get into it.
00:00:14
Speaker
What up moms? I'm Whitney and I'm with my best friend Candice and this is the mom group chat podcast. You look like you were reading a script there for a second. The way that you were looking down. I was like, damn, was she nervous that she was going to mess it up and she was reading it? I really was just like blankly staring ahead. I don't know. Oh, okay. Okay. Just make it true. I mean, I have had a script up before for the intro because I fuck it up so much.
00:00:43
Speaker
It's like second. You wouldn't be alone. You wouldn't be alone. It's not. I mean, it's second nature now. I just like am staring and it's it just comes out of my mouth now. I don't know. That's good.
00:00:54
Speaker
That's good for you that I don't feel that way.
Complexities of Marriage and Intimacy
00:00:58
Speaker
Today's topic is so funny because well, first of all, it's about marriage and intimacy. But it's a topic that we've been dancing around for so long. Yeah. With Shannon as well. And it's so funny that we're like finally doing it today because we've never all been on the same pages about our husband. And I mean that as like.
00:01:21
Speaker
do we like our husband today? And one of us would be like, no. And so we'd be like, okay, we can't talk about this then. Like we have always wanted this episode to not be a complaint dump fest. You know, we really wanted to make everyone feel seen about that. Like marriage is fucking hard after kids, but
00:01:42
Speaker
We also wanted it to like, have a positive note and a positive spin. And very rarely are we all in a positive note with our husbands. But we're like, we're like making ourselves do it today, whether we like it or not. I was gonna I feel like
00:02:00
Speaker
On a scale of one to 10, 10 being like so happily in love, like our marriage is perfect, and one being like, we're getting a divorce. I feel like we're at an eight and a half right now. That's so good, especially- Which I was gonna say, in the newborn phase, that's a win.
00:02:18
Speaker
That's a serious win. But to be honest, it can flip tonight. Yeah. At any moment. You could drop to a four. Like for real like that. I mean, when you think about adding another human to the mix, when you've had like this well oiled machine for however many years you've been married,
00:02:42
Speaker
Yeah, it's a stressor like there's a little kink thrown into the mix there. So for sure. I mean, not only is there a whole nother human being that we have to like take care of and manage, it's also like changing bodies, changing identities, lack of time. It's like financial stressors over stimulation, over touching. It's like.
00:03:10
Speaker
At the end of the day, that's the last thing I want to do is be intimate. Sorry. Yeah. Yeah. It's just the reality of life with little ones.
Challenges of Intimacy Post-Children
00:03:22
Speaker
So we're going to dive deep into this. I feel like this topic is like literally top five that we wanted to talk about, but it just is as Shannon has said in a previous episode, like it's a big nut to crack. So we're going to crack it open.
00:03:41
Speaker
I'll never forget. This is just like a random story, but it was when my parents go to Key West every year and it was like when I went with my sister and I think I was living in Rhode Island at the time, but her kids, her twins were little, like probably two or three, probably our toddler's ages.
00:04:02
Speaker
And I remember me, my mom and my sister where we were at a bar and like these group of guys were on a trip and they just were like, y'all want shots? And like my family's like gung ho about that kind of stuff. And we were like, hell yeah. And we were talking to them. I don't know how we got on the topic of sex.
00:04:20
Speaker
But I remember all of them being like, what's that? What is that like? And I'm like happily married and like in my early 20s. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In my early 20s. And they were all like, there's no way you're doing it every week and and all this stuff. And they're like, when you have kids, it's over, it's over. And I was like, y'all are crazy. Y'all are y'all are insane. And now I'm like, yeah. Oh, I'm here.
00:04:50
Speaker
I've arrived at the location that you speak of. Yeah. And it was just so funny because that conversation sticks with me because I remember being like, oh, that's so sad for you guys. Yikes. Yeah. It is so hard to imagine that that would be your reality, especially when you're young and
00:05:15
Speaker
Not that we're not young now, okay? We are still young. But when you're in the sexy part of your relationship, you have no other major responsibilities other than work, you're going out, you're dressing sexier because of your body, you're 25. You know what I mean? Well, it's like the spontaneity of it all. You have the time. 100%.
00:05:43
Speaker
It's like, oh, well, we're just like not as, as spontaneous as we used to be.
00:05:49
Speaker
You don't have the time. Yeah. I think though, there is a lens that is put over this topic, kind of like those guys we're talking about, like, what's that? Like, oh, you're never going to have sex again. And so dramatic. It's so dramatic. I think that my goal with this episode, honestly, is to
00:06:14
Speaker
like change the narrative of that to being like, listen, your intimate life and your marriage is going to look different after you have kids. That is 100% inevitable. But there are ways that you can change the intimacy to where it's still a part of your marriage and it is still like something that you put energy towards, but it's not gonna look like the
00:06:42
Speaker
hottest bang of your life on a Friday night. It's just not like, it's just not like intimacy. An intimate moment with your husband might just be like a sweet kiss on the couch and you guys hold hands while you watch a movie like or
00:07:01
Speaker
you a long, like this sounds so stupid, but like a long hug in the kitchen where he like rubs your back for a second and just makes you feel, you know? Like just makes you guys feel connected. Like those are now the intimate moments of your reality. And you know what? That hot bang might still happen a couple times a year, okay?
00:07:28
Speaker
I'm not saying you're never going to have good sex again. You will, but it's just the reality of your present life. And this is this, this is not the season for the hot bang. You know, this, this is the season for squeezing in intimate moments where they can fit and embracing those small moments as like intimacy. And it, it doesn't necessarily mean sex.
00:07:55
Speaker
Well, and I feel like that means way more to me than anything. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The long hug. Yeah. Your needs change as we have kids. Like I, you know, after you have a baby and give birth, what feels good for you changes. Like, and I think your husband has to know that has to
Marriage Decline and Communication
00:08:18
Speaker
you. There has to be a level of communication there to where
00:08:21
Speaker
You guys have that conversation of like, this is what feels good for me right now. And I read a, a statistic 67% of couples say that their marriage declined after having children. Um, which I think is an interesting statistic and it kind of depends on what lens you put on that. Like.
00:08:47
Speaker
I think it's all about the way you see things and how you communicate with your partner to understand that this is just a season and it's not gonna be like this forever. It's not like this dip is going to be dipping forever as long as you don't let it. It does come with effort and work to make sure that you're prioritizing each other and prioritizing communication and prioritizing intimacy and all of those things, but it's not gonna last forever.
00:09:16
Speaker
Well, and it's one of those things that you have to continuously work on or, or if you make an, on the flip side, if you make your children your entire life, once they're older and don't need you, what do you have in common anymore? That's when you see a lot of decline in marriage as well, because, Oh, the kids are older. We don't have to take care of them. Like all of a sudden you're free again. What do you do? Yeah. Yeah.
00:09:45
Speaker
You look for fun and games. And I don't know. It's it's funny you mentioned all of those things because I was reading up about different topics about intimacy after baby and marriage. And I pulled an article and it was literally all those things you were listing. It was by Rachel Johnson, who is a mental health coach and doula. So it goes hand in hand, which is great for postpartum. And it was like you said, understanding physical changes in your partner.
00:10:15
Speaker
open up to communication, redefining that intimacy threshold, managing expectations and prioritizing self-care, which doesn't necessarily mean, Oh, you got to go work out to feel better about yourself. It's, it's taking those mental breaks. It's sleeping when you need sleep because sleep deprivation can cause fights, you know, finding those moments, but
00:10:41
Speaker
Yeah, finding your windows of opportunity and leaning into those things will just strengthen your marriage. So yeah, it's so I think that's such a good point because I think I think something we used to experience in those like younger years of our relationship was like sex was like a light switch. It was like, OK, we're going to have sex. Yeah.
00:11:05
Speaker
And that light switch is just not as easily turned on. Now a time, like time wise, we just don't, it's not like we can just be like, yes, we're having sex right now.
00:11:18
Speaker
It's, it's, it's also like the physicality of it. Like it has to be like warmed up a little more. And sometimes even if we don't want to do it, and I don't mean do it even as like sex. I mean, like if we don't necessarily want to be an intimate, like we're tired, we're tapped out.
00:11:39
Speaker
We've had a long day. We, you know, but we just both allow the door to be opened. And that could be, like I said, a long handhold, a kiss, you know, a rub of an arm, whatever, like physical touch.
00:11:57
Speaker
Sometimes you just have to let yourself like lean into those moments and they could escalate to something more. Right. But it's not as like light switch as it used to be. And that's something that I feel like I've had to. It's like pulling a string light in the attic like instead. Yeah. I'm going to get it.
00:12:24
Speaker
It's just different. Even the way you ease into it is different and that's okay. It's just recognizing that it does look different and working with your current reality. I will say I feel like it gets easier as they get older, but when it's newborn-y phase, it's just like...
00:12:47
Speaker
I don't know, there's so many factors against you. Like the sleep deprivation, the tit for tat game. Well, now I'm mad at you. Just not feeling like your most confident self either can be...
00:13:06
Speaker
something that
Scorekeeping and Balance in Marriage
00:13:07
Speaker
I think is a big player in like marriage in this phase of life with small kids and babies is like the score keeping game of like
00:13:20
Speaker
I, I did this today and I did this today, especially in the newborn phase because we are as moms, we just gave birth. We carried the child for nine months. We are breastfeeding. Those inevitably like is our, it's our burden.
00:13:39
Speaker
So it can, without the husband even doing anything, it can automatically feel tilted our way of like, we're doing more, we're doing more. And the, that just opens the door for like snarkiness and sharpness and fire breathing comments. And I think something that
00:14:02
Speaker
I've learned in these past two years of having kids is that you have to zoom out of the current issue. For example, could I say that I've unloaded the dishes and put away all the laundry and also took the kids out of the house this morning to get pancakes and blah, blah, blah?
00:14:21
Speaker
But if I zoom out of today, of this hour, of this day, like ultimately, are we carrying equal weight? And I think the answer is yes. And you can't always score keep every hour or every day. And I think if you do that, you're just opening up the door for resentment. And so you kind of have to zoom out and look at your relationship and think,
00:14:50
Speaker
Ultimately, big picture, are we an equal team? Is there equality here to where we're picking up different things? And it might be different seasons. In this newborn, I'm picking up a little bit more, but maybe six months from now, Vincent's gonna pick up a little bit more. And realizing that the current moment is not like, I feel like I end every statement so far with,
00:15:17
Speaker
What's happening now is that what's gonna happen forever. I'm just saying the same thing over and over again, but I think you have to zoom out of the current place you're in and take a bigger picture. And if you do zoom out and really look at that and think, no, we're not equal, that's where the communication has to come in to be like, here's where I'm not feeling supported. Here's where I'm feeling like I'm caring more than what you're carrying. And you have to be able to talk through that. When you think about your husband,
00:15:47
Speaker
pre-baby, why you fell in love? What activities did you guys enjoy together that you feel like you could do today? Oh, that's an interesting question. My best friend here in Nashville, she is just starting on a new
00:16:07
Speaker
Um, like business journey and her whole thought is to live intentionally. And I, she did an example the other day that I love. She said, instead of going out and like getting a nanny or I think her mom came into town and instead of like using that time just to go out to dinner, they decided to go camping and.
00:16:29
Speaker
instead of looking at a hotel ceiling was to look at the stars and to have deeper conversations and just to live more intentionally and talk and really connect versus just having dinner and getting super drunk and then feeling like doo doo the next morning. And I loved that idea. I was like, cause Chris and I would, you know, pre-baby
00:16:52
Speaker
go get drunk, have fun, feel like shit the next day, but that was just like what we did, but I just like that flip of perspective to really nurture that, like y'all's relationship. And I just thought, what a great little idea.
Maintaining Individual Identities
00:17:09
Speaker
Yeah, the first thing that comes to my mind is just like being outside, actually. Like, yeah, I think about some things that Vinnie and I used to do, like we would go and rent like these like clear kayaks and like kayak for the day, which sounds like so outdoorsy of me.
00:17:31
Speaker
Um, but truly we used to do some like, you did, I'm just kidding. We used to do some like fun, exploring things, which I don't think we've done in a while. Um, I do think something that has always like brought us together as a couple is just being social with other people.
00:17:51
Speaker
I think sometimes putting yourselves in a room with people, maybe even if it's people you're not super comfortable with, can make you guys see each other again. That's so true. To see your partner through someone else's eyes. I feel like it's always in those rooms of
00:18:14
Speaker
and I say rooms in a metaphorical sense of those activities that we do with other people or other couples or whatever, to where I get home and I'm like, I'm so grateful for you. Today was so fun. I love interacting with other people with you. I love that I get to be your partner or that I'm seen as your partner.
00:18:36
Speaker
I don't know. I think that can be really good for the soul. And I think usually I feel like our first round of intimacy or our first big connection time after baby usually comes after we get out of the house and feel independent from our kids. It's getting out there and being social and doing something away from our kids that makes us feel like we have an identity again.
00:19:03
Speaker
Yes. An independent identity away from just being Alison Evie's mom or Alison Evie's dad. It's like, no, we're a couple. We have our own relationship identity and we are still hot for each other. But you have to get out of your head and like out of your own space to do that or to feel it.
00:19:27
Speaker
Yeah, I think sometimes, too, you have to like almost do your own like what you said, find your identity and then finally come back together. Because once you've filled your cup, yeah, like you said, then it's like, OK, I now I'm able to give again. Right. Right.
00:19:46
Speaker
which for me could even just be like going on a walk by myself. Like that's my best way to clear my head. And then it's like, okay, I'm ready to take on again. Yeah. So yeah, I totally feel that, but I feel like Chris and I
00:20:00
Speaker
I feel like I would love to do more outdoorsy things. You saying that sounded so fun. We should do that. Oh yeah, we're going to be with each other for 4th of July. I know, I'm so excited. We should definitely do an outdoorsy day or something and do kayaks or something and get a babysitter, which we have lots of here.
00:20:24
Speaker
Yeah, that's the perk of going to Canada. It's like familiar. Yeah. Hello. I have a hundred family members who are obsessed with babies. So great. That sounds really fun and really nice. Yeah.
00:20:39
Speaker
One thing I wanted to touch on because we've talked about it in a recent episode, you know, you asked me about what was harder Like zero to one or one to two and I I said one to two I think and I said that the divide and conquer was really tough for me or has been tough and I think that has definitely played a role in like the change of our merit or why this second
00:21:05
Speaker
child has felt hard is the divide and conquer mentality for us. I think I just feel less connected to Vinny in this phase. When there's so much divide and conquer, it's easy to feel disconnected. I don't know what he was doing. He doesn't know what I was doing.
00:21:28
Speaker
That is where that disconnect and that resentment can come up. I feel like I'm doing more, but maybe it's not even that I'm actually doing more. It's that I don't know what you were doing and he doesn't know what I was doing. So there's automatically this moment of we both feel like we're doing more than the other, but we're actually not. It's just we need to communicate exactly what each of us are doing. And I feel like when you say that, do you just mean bedtime routine?
00:21:58
Speaker
Yeah, I think during the day, there's a lot of, in our house at least, there's a lot of like, I'll take Alice to do this and you can be with Evie, or also with Evie while you take Alice to the park. I've tried to be more intentional just in the past week that we're like, no, we can all do it together. But for a while there, for the
00:22:21
Speaker
for the first month and a half or so, I feel like there was a lot of like, we're splitting up because it's just easier for each of us to manage one. Luckily for you, this changes. Yeah, it will. I feel like Chris and I still divide and conquer
00:22:39
Speaker
bedtime, but it's like they do bath together. So it's like we're doing all that together. It's just like we split up whenever one of us feeds Margo and then one of us will put great into bed. Um, but it gets to a point where you can do everything together. Like we take Margo to soccer. We take Margo to swim. We do everything. I like, I take Margo to go pick up green. Like she just is a long for the ride. Um,
00:23:06
Speaker
And I mean, it just gets to a point where you're able to, it's hard and annoying for me to say that you're literally two months in, but it changes. No, I know. You'll feel so much better. Like I promised you in two months, you'll be like, wow.
00:23:21
Speaker
I'm back. Yeah. You know what? I already feel it lifting a little. Yeah. Like I feel like we're we're getting into a groove to where we can do things together or things are just, you know, in the beginning, a newborn is just so fragile and there's only like so much you can do. I feel like she's getting to a place now where she's like at a real like baby phase to where I'm like, OK, like I can take you, I can tote you around. Yeah.
00:23:50
Speaker
And we won't feel so disconnected, hopefully. I just remember doing anything in the first two months because you don't want them to get sick. And I tend to have children in the fall, which rolls into Christmas. And it's like, oh, it's so sweet. You get to bring your baby to Christmas. And you're like, don't touch my kid. I'm scared. OK. I'm so scared.
00:24:15
Speaker
But like then once you once that lifts and I don't know they're just fine and you can finally do things together.
00:24:25
Speaker
I don't mind the divide and conquer. I'm grateful when Chris would take Margo or Graydon somewhere. I'm like, one-on-one time feels like zero kids. No, that's true. That's true. It's so easy at this point.
Body Image and Intimacy
00:24:43
Speaker
I think we have to talk about
00:24:46
Speaker
like body image a little bit in regards to marriage and intimacy because I think one of the biggest disconnects that happens post-baby is just the absolute change and I mean
00:25:02
Speaker
for lack of a better word, trauma that your body goes through as a woman after giving birth. And then to have to six weeks later be cleared for sexual intercourse and your partner's body is exactly where you left it. It's looking pretty much the same.
00:25:23
Speaker
And they're ready to go. They're like, hell yeah, I've been waiting for six weeks on this. And then as moms, we're like, oh, I'm sorry, I have to get naked and let you like look at this. And also this part of my body that just had a ton of trauma, especially if you've given vaginal birth, like you're just supposed to be like, yep, I'm ready. Here we go.
00:25:50
Speaker
It's hard like you're so in your own head about it. Like, I don't know why I'm scared because they want to. It's more like I don't want you to see me like this. I like I know my potential. I know what I used to look like. And it's like, I don't know. You're just. I don't. What's the word? You're.
00:26:15
Speaker
scared, scared. And it's also, um, for me, it's like a little bit of a detachment from like the sexy self feeling. Like my boobs are now being used to feed someone. They are detached from that sexual place that they used to be. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. So it's like, I have to reattach. Like it's literally like the, like in my brain, there's a bunch of like cords that are connected. They're like,
00:26:45
Speaker
like here's a cord and it's like the sexy one is like detached for a while. Yeah. And it's like I have to consciously go in there and be like my husband is turned on by these boobs. I have to reconnect this. Yeah.
00:27:00
Speaker
You know what I mean? And it's all a state of mind, unfortunately. It's like I just have to rip the band-aid off and be like, no, I am hot. My husband likes me. He wants this. But it's so hard. It is so hard to put yourself back.
00:27:18
Speaker
into that mindset and to like, it's almost like you have to be vulnerable about your husband all over again. Like if you think about how long you guys were doing it before you had kids, it's a long time, I assume, a lot, a lot of times, plural. And it's like, it's almost like you're doing it again for the first time, you know? You're like handshaking like, hello, we're about to do this. Nice to meet you.
00:27:47
Speaker
Yeah, it's like, hey, I'm gonna get naked now. But I, I don't know, Chris does a good job and
00:27:59
Speaker
about making me feel better about my body because I don't know if this is the medical side of him or just the guy loves me, but he makes me feel better just by being like, Whitney, you just fricking had a baby. You need to love yourself. He says that to me all the time.
00:28:20
Speaker
And he makes, he gives, he gives me the space to feel like the way I feel, but at the same time he's like, come on, you got your expectations are way, way too high. Like.
00:28:34
Speaker
We're in this together. I know what you just went through. I know how hard it is on your body. Like the hardest thing a woman can go through. Like you just, he's like, I want this. Let's, uh, let's go, you know? Yeah. Yeah. That's so good of Chris. Good job.
00:28:51
Speaker
Good job. I think before I had a baby, I was a pretty confident person when it came to sexy time and intimacy. And my friend, I was I am that friend who's like, she had all the stories.
00:29:12
Speaker
I'm a sex positive person. Okay, you're like you're good inspo and like a good idea. Oh, I'm a sex. I've always been a confident person with my sexuality and like in that world. And I think that's one of the things my husband loved, loved, loved slash loves about me. But I think what
00:29:39
Speaker
has been hard is like after baby like I'm not I mean it's still in me it's laying dormant but it's like not as prevalent as it used to be and my husband doesn't give me that vocal reassurance because I've never needed it before I had a baby if that makes sense like I've always just been confident with that kind of stuff he's never had to be
00:30:03
Speaker
give that to me and now that I've had a baby and my body looks different and things have changed, I need that a little bit from him and it took me a while to be able to tell him, hey, I need you to validate that for me.
00:30:20
Speaker
Yeah, you're like, I can see that you want to do this, but tell me why or make me feel better. That is such a good point. It was something that never had to be spoken. It was just like, like you said, a light switch, like, oh, we're doing this. But now that we're in this postpartum period, it's like, no, I need you to make me confident, please. And it'll be so much better if you do. Trust me.
00:30:47
Speaker
And knowing each other's love languages is really game-changing in this with marriage and intimacy.
Evolving Love Languages and Communication
00:30:58
Speaker
And also to know that if you did do them at the beginning of your relationship many, many years ago, that I would retake the test now because I feel like they can change after you have kids. What makes you feel loved may have changed from when you did it when you were 25 and you first started dating and you were like, I'm physical touch.
00:31:17
Speaker
But now it's like, it could be, you know, acts of service or... Words of affirmation. Yeah, I'm a Words of Affirmation girl. I actually always have been, so that one hasn't changed for me. Same. Yeah, so yours is Words of Affirmation. I think mine is too. And honestly, like I haven't asked Chris his in a while. Like I can't even remember, but I'd probably say his was more acts of service. I just feel like that's like a guy thing.
00:31:44
Speaker
But I don't remember. We need to revisit that. Venez is definitely also words of affirmation. I think his second is acts of service probably. And my second, I think now is physical touch. Like I need him to hold my hand sometimes or come give me a, like, I don't know why I keep referencing hugs in the kitchen.
00:32:07
Speaker
I'm telling you nothing changes my day more than him just coming in while, like after the kids have gone to bed and I'm in the kitchen and I'm washing bottles or prepping dinner, like he'll just come in and give me like a long hug that we hold for a minute and it changes my whole night. It almost wants to make you tear up. Chris will say that. He'll be like, have you, have we hugged today? And we'll do the same thing. And it's just like,
00:32:37
Speaker
A release. Like, this is so nice. Yeah, that's exactly what I was referencing earlier in this episode. Those are the intimate moments that matter right now in this phase of life for us. Like, it's not the hot bang. It's the long, long hug in the kitchen, honestly. Yeah, I feel like Chris and I
00:32:59
Speaker
we can deflate any heated moment by being kind of jokey too. Or, I don't know, turning it and flipping it and just being like, eh. And then it makes one of us laugh. Or a quick slap on the butt. Things that are kind of cheeky and fun and keeping it playful.
00:33:24
Speaker
At my baby shower, I got advice from someone. I cannot remember who it was, but the advice was just laugh it off. Laugh it off with your husband and laughing can change the game. That really has been an amazing tool for us. If things feel really hard or
00:33:46
Speaker
You know, Evie just had a crazy explosion and there's poop everywhere. And like, but we also need to be somewhere in 10 minutes. Like it's, and things can feel really stressful. Like I will just look at him and we'll just start laughing. And it is the laughter is the best medicine. And actually now if I ever go to a baby shower that has like those advice cards, I almost always write, just laugh it off. Like, yeah, truly it's not that serious. And there's so much.
00:34:16
Speaker
that is going to go wrong when you have kids, and it's going to feel really stressful. But if you can laugh it off with your partner, chef, it's... I feel like... Yeah, I mean, I've... I think I've learned recently that I'm the friend that, like, laughs at everything everyone says. Like, I just find everything really funny. That's a good friend to be. Well, and I always think of our best friend, Claudio. Like, he makes you feel like the funniest person on frickin' Earth, you know? And I'm like, wait.
00:34:47
Speaker
I'm that person that laughs at everything everyone says. I just think everyone's so funny or I just find something funny in every situation. It could be inappropriate. We could be fighting and I'll flip it. I'm like, I don't like how this is going. I'm just going to laugh at something.
00:35:05
Speaker
I would say the other big key we've already spoken about it a little bit is just communication.
The Role of Couples Therapy
00:35:11
Speaker
That if you feel like maybe you guys haven't had intimate moments in a while or you feel some feelings of resentment or anger, like just setting a time to communicate and be like, Hey, I really want to sit down and like have an actual conversation about this.
00:35:31
Speaker
Um, another thing I will say is couples therapy is life-changing. Vinny and I have been doing that for gosh, three or four years. Honestly. Um, we started from, because of an, like an issue, I would say, but just kept it up because every time we go, we feel more connected every time.
00:35:55
Speaker
We leave and it is like a designated time to communicate and to reconnect and it makes us feel more connected every single time and We it's not it's not even like we have issues or like deep issues at first of all every marriage has issues But you don't know like deep issues or it's not like we're there because we have a big problem It's just now become a maintenance thing. We only go once a month and
00:36:18
Speaker
And it's just a way for us to reconnect and check in with each other and be like, how are things going? How are you feeling? And so even if you don't have issues right now, but you just want to feel more connected to your partner, I highly recommend looking into a couple's therapist that even if you just go once a month, it's going to make you feel more connected to each other for sure.
00:36:40
Speaker
It just goes back to the idea of not being so reactive and in nurturing something that's probably the most important thing besides having kids that you're going to do in your life and in nurturing your relationship. And if you're spending time helping it grow and communicating like it's only going to help. So yeah.
00:37:04
Speaker
Something else I wanted to just touch on was the importance of the relationship that you're marrying to your kids. It is something that they are looking at all the time. The way that you communicate to your partner is the way that they will communicate to their peers and in their relationships. That is fact from a psychology standpoint. The romantic relationship that you have with your partner is the
00:37:33
Speaker
relationship that they grow up seeing it's the relationship that they grow up literally admiring and looking up to whether it's healthy or not like that's what they see as that's mom and dad so that's something that always brings me back down to like a place of okay let's take a breath like if we're ever in a heated
Parental Influence on Children’s Relationships
00:37:53
Speaker
moment or I'm like I hate you I'm
00:37:56
Speaker
I'm like, wait a second, let's take it back and think about what my kids are seeing and what my girls are gonna see. And it's something I talk to Vinny about all the time. Like if he ever snaps at me, it's heated towards me at all. I'm like, that is how our girls are gonna see their dad talk to their mom. And that's how they're going to accept them talking to them. Truly. And it always is like an oh shit moment of like, yeah, you're right. Like I can't talk to them.
00:38:26
Speaker
to you like that because we don't ever want our girls to accept any man talking to them in a harsh way. There's also a serious direct correlation between healthy marriages and healthy development of children.
00:38:45
Speaker
even from a physical and emotional and cognitive standpoint. That's something that I don't think is talked a lot about in regards to health, postpartum health. Yes, we talk about taking care of the child and taking care of the mom and making sure she's healing.
00:39:06
Speaker
But there's also a part of this, it's like taking care of your relationship because it's all going to work together. It's like an ecosystem that is going to create this healthy place for everyone. And I think there probably could be more education and information out there about how to nurture your relationship after baby. So I don't know, that's something, just something to think about.
00:39:33
Speaker
I mean, Mal, there's so much to do after baby. I know.
00:39:40
Speaker
We can't do it all. It reminds me of something I think Julia Stern said. If you haven't listened to her episode with us, you should go back. But I think she talked about just focusing on one thing a day or like you can't focus on, oh, I'm going to focus on my marriage today and my health and my work and my baby's milestones or whatever.
00:40:04
Speaker
And so you're like, you're not going to be able to focus on it all, but I think that you could be intentional being like, you know what, today's a day I'm really going to focus on our marriage and we're going to do something that makes us feel more connected.
00:40:19
Speaker
Yeah. And that's where I think your marriage kind of gets put on the back burner a lot and where things happen. But I think also with intimate time, like sometimes like planning has to just come into the mix. Like even if it's that first hurdle of like after six weeks and
00:40:39
Speaker
Well, yes, it's not like the sexiest thing to do, which we've already talked about. We're kind of past that point. Like if it just like if you plan it, even if you have to put it on your freaking calendar, like, hey, today's the day we're going to try. So you're already kind of like in the mindset. You kind of have it. Sometimes it's like those one and done things where you just have to get that first one over with to get over that hurdle to start doing things like, you know, and it's totally.
00:41:06
Speaker
sometimes it might take that planning session of like, oh, hey, let's just get over this fricking hurdle. We're building this into a mountain when it's a mole hill. Like, let's do this. Yeah, for sure. And from there, it kind of just spirals into like every time after it's, why don't we do this more? This was great. Every time, every time, every time we rip the band-aid off and do it, there's always a, oh, that was fun. Yeah.
00:41:33
Speaker
five man like this is great loved that so yeah while it might not be sexy like if that's what it takes just do it yeah
00:41:49
Speaker
Mm hmm. And it will only there will only be resistance there for the first minute or two. And then you'll be like, OK, let's do it, you know. Yeah. So well, I know this is a topic that we'll continue to talk about, like, because there's still so many like nooks and crannies of marriage and intimacy that we could go down. So yeah. And thanks for like giving us grace, because this is obviously like kind of a scary topic to like
00:42:15
Speaker
put out there in the world. We're also humans. This is kind of like a private part of our lives. So appreciate. Nice comments back, please. Thank you. Yeah, like we're just navigating this also. So if you have any tips or tricks or I think it'd be really interesting to have like a relationship therapist or
00:42:42
Speaker
a marriage counselor or someone on to talk about like the common struggles after baby. I think that would be a really good. So if you know of anyone, tag them in our or send them our profile on Instagram and maybe we can have an expert on because we're definitely not experts. We're just figuring it out. Yeah, as usual, as usual. All right. Well, I love you.
00:43:13
Speaker
Love you the most. You're my, you're my wife. My wife. I love you. Bye. I love you. Bye. Thank you so much for being a part of our mom group chat. New episodes drop every Tuesday and don't forget the group chat is blowing up on our Instagram page. So make sure you're following along over there. All right. Got to go. My toddler just put something in her mouth.