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Episode 51: People Pleasing and How Not To
67 Plays17 days ago
In this raw and relatable episode, we dive deep into the exhausting world of people pleasing—a pattern we both know intimately. From childhood conditioning to workplace dynamics, we unpack how constantly prioritizing others' needs leads to burnout, resentment, and lost identity. Through personal stories about family gatherings, work boundaries, and romantic relationships, we share our journey toward saying "no," setting boundaries, and reclaiming their energy. This conversation is equal parts vulnerable confession and practical roadmap for anyone ready to stop dimming their light for others.
Episode Highlights:
[00:04] Welcome and introduction: firsthand experience with people pleasing
[00:39] The first step: realizing you weren't even aware you were a people pleaser
[01:36] ChatGPT's definition and why it hits so hard
[02:05] Cultural roots: Asian household hierarchies and the expectation to never say no
[03:02] Childhood conditioning: apologizing for mistakes and carrying guilt
[03:42] Shannon's EMDR journey: reprocessing the deep need to please
[04:40] The EA trap: when your job requires people pleasing by design
[06:09] Gender expectations: the "nice one" who sacrifices for everyone
[07:33] Fear-based patterns: managing others' emotions and staying in bad relationships
[08:56] The physical toll: burnout, anxiety, and losing yourself
[09:32] When unmet needs become body issues: acid reflux and stomach problems
[11:05] The validation exchange: getting tiny thank-yous in return for exhaustion
[12:04] Energy scattered everywhere except within yourself
[12:54] The game-changer: learning the word "boundary"
[13:48] The terror of saying no and catastrophic thinking
[15:37] Practicing boundaries during the holidays (perfect timing!)
[16:00] Shannon's autopilot relationships and the coworker carpool situation
[18:57] Real-life boundary example: declining a family dinner without guilt
[21:51] Avoiding conflict vs. having necessary uncomfortable conversations
[22:35] Book recommendation: Boundary Boss by Terri Cole (with scripts!)
[24:08] Family dinner boundary story: "I'll let you know" as a buffer
[26:27] Patriarchal expectations and the male gaze
[27:00] The Vogue article: "It's embarrassing to have a boyfriend"
[28:20] Self-worth and settling for less than you deserve
[29:14] Wrapping up: share your stories and join the conversation
Resources:
Terri Cole:
- The Terri Cole Show on Apple Podcasts
- Boundary Boss by Terri Cole (Instagram)
Vogue Article:
- Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now? - Vogue
- What the Response to "Are Boyfriends Embarrassing?" Says About the Current State of Heterosexual Dating - Vogue
Note: This podcast is for informational and entertainment purposes only.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to People Pleasing
00:00:05
Speaker
Welcome to Psychic Girls Next Door. And today we are back with the new episode where we talk about people pleasing and what not My goodness, are we do we have firsthand experience with people pleasing? Yes, yes, we do. And I'm we're hoping you will be pleased with this episode. Yes, but we're not trying to people please. Exactly. We're trying to do from a more like grounded place. And how did we also find out we were people pleasers?
Origins and Influences of People Pleasing
00:00:36
Speaker
Because to me, i wasn't even aware.
00:00:39
Speaker
I feel like that's like the first step to understanding that you're a people pleaser, like realizing like you weren't aware that like because because you're operating from like an old system of that benefits other people around you. Right. so Yeah.
00:00:54
Speaker
Like being able to have like, you know, being to make decisions that you know that other people are going to not be okay with or be slightly uncomfortable or have negative opinions about. Like when you're a people pleaser, you avoid doing that completely. And yeah because you don't want to deal with like the backlash or like letting people down because of something that someone told you when you were a child or maybe it was a past life information. Like you...
00:01:23
Speaker
that stays with you and then it just it's going to get recycled and recycled and recycled. um But I would love to like, you know, you might have a different experience of people pleasing,
Defining People Pleasing and Cultural Impacts
00:01:35
Speaker
Lily. I would love to know your take.
00:01:37
Speaker
Yeah. So basically, so according to CHAP GPT, People pleasing is a behavior pattern where someone consistently priorities prioritizes others' needs, feelings, or approval over their own, often to avoid conflict, gain acceptance, or feel valued.
00:01:53
Speaker
And that hits yeah big time into my own experience of growing up. And I think it a lot of oftentimes it starts in childhood. In my case, it's because I've learned that women and uh i think growing up in a very asian household too you don't speak up and you don't speak up especially towards the elderly oh interesting so there's like power dynamics yeah it's kind this higher hierarchy yeah um that you just don't speak up and you always say yes
00:02:35
Speaker
When sometimes you want us to, you find it hard to say no, right? Because if you do say no, then there's going to be a consequence. Yeah. punishment Like internal discord happening and like, yeah just like that, ah what is cognitive dissonance, right? Where you're like, you have to do something that you don't want to to actually do or, you know, and that serves other people.
00:03:01
Speaker
Yeah, and then it starts at a very young age. At least that's how it started for me. Or you make a mistake, you know, especially as a child or you misbehave. So you always feel, and I see now that I'm always in this behavior like apologizing for
People Pleasing in Work Environments
00:03:18
Speaker
it. mean Even you, sometimes you haven't done anything wrong. Right.
00:03:24
Speaker
You know, you just do silly things or stupid things as a child or as, you know, it's someone that is learning and growing. um And I would notice that I would just be apologetic, feel guilty about it too.
00:03:41
Speaker
Oh, totally. oh Yeah. Yeah. The guilt that comes from like the potential of like hurting someone's feelings by not showing up on for them or like letting someone down. Like I remember like, you know, for most of my life and I think so I'm an executive is assistant.
00:04:00
Speaker
That's my, you know, I sunlight as an EA, you know, I moonlight as a psychic. But yeah. In that role, something that I've been healing on with EMDR is people pleasing. And that's like my first thing that I wanted to reprocess, like this like deep core need that I feel obligated to please other people and serve others, but at my own detriment or discomfort or like, you know, making myself feel smaller to make other people feel, you know,
00:04:30
Speaker
more seen in the room or like, you know, dimming my own light so that others can shine or whatever, whatever situation is. And it shows up very differently with different people. But the one place that I see it happening all the time that people are so used to me operating from that place is in my workspace and as an EA. And like you so the whole point is to serve your executive and make sure that their life is easier. and I realized like, oh, my God, I was going like,
00:04:58
Speaker
not necessarily above and beyond, but like they want you to always go above and beyond whatever that means to them. It's always going to be specific. And then when you are a people pleaser, that's like the perfect cocktail for discomfort within yourself.
00:05:15
Speaker
So I realized like, oh, I can't. I can I'm trying to reframe like how now that I've done a lot of reprocessing around this, like how can I do this job without people pleasing and without making myself or like, you know, please them, quote unquote, to like, you know, appeal them and hit my milestones and be a good employee.
People Pleasing in Personal and Social Contexts
00:05:40
Speaker
Absolutely. Yes.
00:05:41
Speaker
But also like not make myself feel so uncomfortable or exhausted or like hypervigilant in so many ways that makes me like, you know, drain my energy.
00:05:54
Speaker
and Yeah, and that is the downside of the people pleasing. And it might seem kind of helpful ah when you are especially at a workspace, or it feels like, oh, my gosh, she's, she's the nice one.
00:06:09
Speaker
Oh, yeah. so She's like, oh, yeah, she's so selfless. She's like, you know, everyone's prioritize everyone's needs. And it's a little bit don't know if it's like a cultural, maybe gender also, that expectation of women.
00:06:24
Speaker
yeah Yeah. Women to be in that sense of like, oh my God, yeah, she's the nurturer. She takes everyone under her wing. She sacrifices herself for the, you know. right For what? For what? For like a project, right? We're not working in ER. I know. No one's going to remember like a few months from now, right? Right. And I want Yeah, I had a friend early on in my career tell me your executive is never going to know if you're going above and beyond or not. You are the only person who's going to know that. And you can tell he was not a people pleaser.
00:07:00
Speaker
So he was able to like make it work for him. I mean, granted, he was like, you know, a man in the role. So maybe. you know, but I know I've seen some boss EAs who take no shit and they're not people pleasers and they're amazing at their jobs. So I know like it is possible, you you know, and it's not related to like gender or anything like that. It's just it's related to your mindset and like how you like process dynamics with people and situations based on like how you grew up and the information you took on from. Yeah. whatever Right. Well, it stems a lot from the fear, like fear of
00:07:37
Speaker
you know not pleasing. And again, like it's right when that's why it's called people pleasing. It's the fear of not being perceived in a way that ah you know you're not perfect and then you feel shame about and then there's guilt. like I have also been and not only um jobs but also relationships do where you feel guilty if you don't do you know certain of things for people um and if you don't if you you sometimes i would stay in relationships because of the fear of being judged or criticized or except i don't know like i had this um
00:08:22
Speaker
unrealistic expectation that I would be able to manage other people's emotions, which you can't. oh okay You're only responsible for your own emotions.
Consequences and Managing People Pleasing
00:08:33
Speaker
and ah And that was where my fear and the shame would stem from. it created a lot of in balance yeah in their relationship. And of course, and then you start to become like resentful, you become anxious about things like this. um There's also burnout, of course, for work, right? Because you never say no, you're always saying yes and taking on things. Then yeah you're burned out, then you lose your identity and all of this. Like, who am I?
00:09:05
Speaker
if I'm not like taking care of others, pretty much this kind of how it ends up like stemming off. And that causes a lot of physical and emotional issues too. Oh, absolutely. Because it kind of like it creates like a ripple effect, right? Because you're not, ah you don't make yourself a priority.
00:09:27
Speaker
Yeah. so And therefore, you're not going to be a priority. Right. If you don't make yourself a priority, you won't be a priority. And if you don't recognize that you have needs, you those needs will go unmet for years or months or however long.
00:09:43
Speaker
And then it'll start to really impact parts of your body. And you're like, oh, and then you have that wake up call, like something feels icky inside, not just mentally, But from like, and not just spiritually, but like for physically, like whether you have stomach issues or like I would remember I would always have acid reflux in when I was working at a couple startups ago when I was just like full on people pleasing, like I'm going to be perfect at work and never make a mistake.
00:10:14
Speaker
And, you know, that expectation was never really put on me by anybody else. But like once you set that level of like service, people are going to expect that.
00:10:26
Speaker
And then you can't make a mistake and you can't falter off of that level. And so you kind of have to be strategic of like, how much am I willing to offer and provide for somebody, whether it's in a job relationship, ah friendship, like whatever it is like so that I can make them feel, you know, happy, shiny. Yay, yay, But i also make myself feel that way, too. And when you are in people pleasing, you don't even think about yourself. You're just constantly like externally focused. And so and I feel like when you are people pleasing, the need for external validation kind of goes hand in hand with that sometimes, like because you get it's an exchange, right? Like ah I don't know if it's symbiotic or another like term, but
00:11:12
Speaker
They are getting what they need from you by you pleasing them. And then you're getting that tiny thank you or that tiny, wow, that made my day. It's kind of like your self-worth. It depends on others' approval. Yeah.
00:11:29
Speaker
Right? and yeah, it's like the did little like, oh, you did a good job. The carrot dangler. Yeah. You don't actually get the carrot because at the end of the day, you are your own carrot.
00:11:41
Speaker
but Oh, absolutely. You become the carrot. You become the carrot. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. And it's interesting you're talking about it too, because like energetically, what happens is that so your energy goes out somewhere else, people, places, ah so you don't have your energy.
00:12:04
Speaker
Yeah, it's just constantly scattered. it's Yeah, it's everywhere. our as Different people. like So it's very hard to function, create, manifest, align, you know, have a healthy relationship with yourself if your energy.
00:12:24
Speaker
Yeah, feel rested. yeah
Setting Boundaries and Personal Growth
00:12:26
Speaker
yeah it's out there. it means that you don't have it. You know, it's anywhere else but within yourself. So I would say that it would be helpful, I guess, for us to, to I guess, share, you know, some like what worked for us in, you know, um,
00:12:45
Speaker
overcoming this. It's like recognizing that tendency or the behavior or pattern or however we want to call it Yeah. My, I think for me, the most I, um what blew my mind was learning the word boundary.
00:13:03
Speaker
It was so interesting when I started like this healing journey. And I don't know, was maybe, want to say, like, nine, eight years ago.
00:13:13
Speaker
and we had, like, I remember we were in our meditation training. And I remember so hearing the word boundary. And I'm like, yeah and i'm like what? What is that? What a foreign concept.
00:13:26
Speaker
and Because it's not as, I mean, it didn't used to be as popular as it is today. Today we talk a lot more about boundaries and how to set boundaries and all of that. But to me, like I had no idea like how how boundaries worked and how that it looked like. Because when you are in a people pleasing pattern, it's terrifying.
00:13:48
Speaker
right Even like singing saying no to me. yeah Oh who my gosh, it was so jarring. Just like the thought of like... I say no, then I'm going to let them down or hurt their feelings. They're going to be disappointed with me. I won't get invited again. Yeah, like, they're oh, they're not going to like me anymore. They're not going to be my friends.
00:14:11
Speaker
So you go through all this, like, narratives and all this, year loss are yeah like, catastrophic things are going to happen if you say no. But I think it was more like to me, because the more you do it.
00:14:24
Speaker
the more you like you show your body by experiencing that you didn't die to say that you didn't say no like no but you and i feel like you can and you know and it's again it's a learning process of like how to say no you can say like in a kind way but you can be firm totally i like you can be assertive but you don't have to be rude how you how you say no you how you kind of like you could gently decline things ah Like one example that I'll give is say like if someone invites me to do something and i honestly like it either I'm not
00:15:00
Speaker
in the mood or I'm like, already have a lot going on, I can kindly decline it. It's like, hey thank you for thinking of me. I cannot do it. ah But let's get together, you know, some other time. So it is kind of in my way. This is how also practicing boundaries, you know, like even family, I think it's a good also test. Yeah.
00:15:23
Speaker
around like boundaries like with family members and i would say now that we are approaching the holidays oh what a great way to like but yeah just to like start practicing boundaries because it's challenging it is challenging especially if like you're so used to not having them and like i am in the same boat like i didn't know what boundaries were like at all. And I also didn't know myself either. i feel like as you get to know yourself and like what your own boundaries are, like right now I'm kind of like figuring out like what am I, what do I really value in like a romantic partnership?
00:16:00
Speaker
Like, cause, and for a long time, I would say I was on autopilot with like the men that I was like having situationships with and like, just cause I'm so used to be on autopilot. It's easy. Like in my mind, it was like, oh, it's easier to just like flow and go along with things and then find out if it's going to be uncomfortable or painful or terrible. And then I'll figure out like how to either get out of it or, i mean, I I know how to leave any situation. Like I don't stay for too long if it's really uncomfortable. But, you know, when it comes to work, I would stay because money was holding me over. and Yeah. Well, work, it's a little different, I feel like, because there is you know, it's a commitment. Totally. You're supposed to do a job
00:16:47
Speaker
And at the same time, it's like, oh, my gosh, I don't want to get fired. like you like i this Yeah, that's, you know, and that is like, a ah you know, it's a it's a realistic ah concern to have. Right. But I would also say that we are at a time to that.
00:17:04
Speaker
I don't know, like. Of course, like it's an also in our process of evolution and growth where nowadays and I see a lot is with the newer generation, like, oh, it's almost such like a boomer talking about, oh, the newer generation. You're not even more now. No, I'm not. I'm younger than that. But yeah.
00:17:24
Speaker
You know how people, they're lot more comfortable expressing themselves. Yeah. yeah like him that They don't hold back. They really are able to assert like their own needs and prioritizing themselves instead of just agreeing with everything.
00:17:41
Speaker
And they are very comfortable with, so other people are disappointed. um So, and I really appreciate that, you know, because I mean, and again, like you and I, we didn't grow up with that.
00:17:53
Speaker
just seeing this generation being a lot more comfortable in this space, To me, I feel very inspired, you know? And just being in the space where you can just really stay, like, what you're feeling against kindly, you know? Right. No need to be aggressive or rude about things like that. I feel we can still do this from a very...
00:18:19
Speaker
um you know, intentional way to. Yeah. But I yeah, and I feel like the more you also you state your boundaries, and the more you are comfortable you Really, i think it's also about protecting your own space.
00:18:38
Speaker
And your peace. And your peace, your inner peace. I think the more comfortable you prioritize that, the more you also feel comfortable not being in situations that you're either dreading or you're feeling uncomfortable or that you just want to get out of it.
00:18:57
Speaker
Totally. No. And I feel like I've been in a lot of situations like that, like with like mostly social dynamics, right? Or you're like, there's something internally, like, I don't fully vibe with this. Or like, this isn't serving me like, okay, so I was like, taking a co worker to work. And I like ah my last job. And I like, it just became an expectation, like every day, like there, it just became an expectation. Then I was like,
00:19:24
Speaker
oh This is like really uncomfortable for me. And like, you know, like they live in my neighborhood, like they're a nice person. i just didn't like I just felt like I was sacrificing my time and just my own ability to be alone in the car. Like sometimes you just have to be alone in the car and like not talk to and separate from everything else. Right. Like so I felt like I never had like but I was I felt bad that because I would see this person every day at work. So then it is kind of merged between my personal and work life. And.
00:20:03
Speaker
I'm naturally an integrative person. Like I love creating friendships in the workplace. I love, you know, I, you know, a lot of my friends I would have, i would refer them to work with me. You know, I'm someone who's like very open to that type of exchange. But if it's not, if it's at the detriment of like,
00:20:20
Speaker
and If it's me providing providing, providing, providing, and it feels very unbalanced, that's where I'm like, ooh, this is really feeling uncomfortable within me. So instead of like talking to them about it, I got a new job and I left the company.
00:20:33
Speaker
but I'm curious. for other reasons too but like that was like one of the main i know this
Resources and Balancing Expectations
00:20:40
Speaker
is so silly but that's like one of the main reasons i like i'm out like because i had gotten so deep in a people-pleasing hole with this person and i didn't know how to deal with it so i just like abandoned like abort mission jump ship get out of there uh and i did get like a pay bump so it all worked out but it's still it's like I could have just said, oh, no, like not today. Like, because like, you know, once in a while is fine. But I think, you know, so people typically tend to like once they start receiving help from others, they're like, oh, this person's open to helping me. Well, yeah, I mean, the only people that benefit from your lack of boundaries. Yeah.
00:21:23
Speaker
is those type of people. Yeah, the other people take, and I'm not saying she took advantage of me because don't feel like a victim in the situation. Like I was very present and mentally aware of what was happening. But I think I've become less avoidant of uncomfortable conversations where I was very avoidant because I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable with... Yeah, we avoid the conflict. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do. Yeah, that's kind of how it is. I'm the same way to I find myself in avoiding things. And, and honestly, like no one wants to be in a conflict sort of situation. And it is uncomfortable. But sometimes it's necessary just to have that uncomfortable conversation, say, hey, you know, this is not working for me anymore.
00:22:13
Speaker
you know, I'm sorry. Right, right. Just kind of finding ways of just, you know, I know that you had a different case, but sometimes just have like, you know, just ah a heart to heart conversation. um I would also recommend a book. And I think I might have recommended here on this podcast that is called Boundary Boss by Terry Cole.
00:22:35
Speaker
Okay. eric co I think she's a therapist or psychologist and you can follow her on Instagram too um I'll kind of link it ah in the show notes but she has little like scripts for every situation like when people ask you like you know really probing questions or things that make you feel very inappropriate or uncomfortable. So she has like little snippets of like how to respond. Yeah.
00:23:04
Speaker
Kindly, but setting a boundary at the same time. And she also has a podcast too. So she talks a lot about this stuff and I learned a lot of, you know, just by reading, um you know, her following her on social media and reading, know,
00:23:21
Speaker
ah how to manage and deal with this, the with the people pleasing tendencies that I've had. And I, you know, like I feel proud of myself or how far I've come just being like comfortable saying no to things. Yeah. um and not thinking twice about it.
00:23:39
Speaker
Yeah, exactly. And not like feeling that I'm going to be like rejected or feel like I, you know, and you and i interesting because like not too long ago, I was in a situation where I, it was like with family, of course. And I, you know, they were, everyone was getting together and I want to see what's like after work.
00:24:02
Speaker
I didn't feel like going, to be honest. I think they were like someone that was in town visiting, but not like someone that I knew really well. And then someone's like, oh, you're not coming. and i hate that. Right?
00:24:19
Speaker
i hate that. Like, why, why? I don't need to be there. It's like, oh, but they would love to see you. And I was like, and honestly, like, mike I was not feeling it. Like, I didn't want to go. yeah wasn't like anything that I felt compelled to. And I'm like, I'm like, and I kind of said, like, you know what? Like, I'll let you know on the day off.
00:24:41
Speaker
Let me think about it. Let me think about it. It's great because it kind of gives you that little, that space, right? Yeah. I'm like, well, I'll let you know on the day off. And I knew I was not going to go.
00:24:52
Speaker
Oh, yeah. No, totally. And then the day comes, I'm like, and they're like, oh, you joining us? Because, you know, I think they had like a reservation at a restaurant or something. day And I'm like, no, I'm sorry. i'm like, I'm not going to go. I'm going to be too tired today. I'm not going to be in the mood. Maybe I'll catch up another day.
00:25:10
Speaker
Yeah, that was it. You know, I felt like i honored my needs, my boundaries at the same time, didn't feel like I needed to be rude to the people. You don't have to be rude. You can ah feedback and be kind. And ah there's always that saying like feedback's a gift.
00:25:30
Speaker
It can be when you're kind and it's coming from like a redirectional or ah a good intentional place that's going to like be proactively like improving the situation for both parties involved. Yes. And you're not just like projecting, right? yes Your own.
00:25:48
Speaker
frustration or your disappointment you come from a place like okay let's take a look at this and from a different perspective yeah right and I appreciate that too when it's like constructive in a way but uh yeah but I can so I mean and it's still something that I think we're all still learning ah we all A lot of us come from when we still live in a very patriarchal society. Oh, yeah. Where women, there's like all this, yeah again, like cultural and gender and their expectations of how women should behave, how our bodies should look and how, you know, and in a way it is the people pleasing. Right. Because it only benefits one party. Right.
00:26:28
Speaker
Right, the male gaze. and Exactly. like so like body image stuff like It literally is only benefiting the other person. Yeah, or women being submissive, right? Because it's easier to manipulate, it's easier to... you know to uh using women as objects instead of right a person there's a person in every woman like every woman is a person yeah no and i love this discord going around about like you know it's embarrassing to have a boyfriend like i don't know if you read that article in vogue but it's ah the the tagline like i don't know what it is like what is it about it's like a discord i know we like you know have a couple minutes up but essentially like the tldr is that she interviewed a bunch of married or and partnered uh you know people who or women who are in relationships and was talking about like how embarrassing some situations have been for them by being in a relationship with men who haven't shown up for them or and like haven't like you know, met them where their needs are and then they just stayed and like continue to tolerate that behavior. So it's more like it's not embarrassing to have a boyfriend essentially like a literal sense. But like there are embarrassing situations of like where you people probably people, please and accept behaviors from your partner that you would probably not have accepted if you weren't like, quote unquote, in love with them or or did you feel worthy. Yeah.
00:27:57
Speaker
Yes, yes. Even that like that's because there is part of the person that feels like that's all I deserve. Right, right. They're like, Oh, I need a boyfriend to like make me feel seen in society or accepted or whatever. But I love that all the single women were like, Yes.
00:28:16
Speaker
it say like It's so funny. i so It's more like how to prioritize yourself. Yeah. and therefore have a relationship that matches that.
00:28:27
Speaker
Absolutely. i think there's more like, yeah, I mean, the tagline was kind of deceiving and I'm like, I don't think people really think that having a boyfriend is embarrassing, but I guess that's kind of why it was so ah controversial because it really caught people's attention yeah to into this topic, which is very relevant. It is very relevant. Maybe we'll continue on for next episode. know.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:28:49
Speaker
I guess we could talk about this like for days and hours at no end because it's such like broad and there's so much to talk about this. But we hope you enjoyed it and hopefully you got some insight or tidbits from us talking about this people-pleasing.
00:29:10
Speaker
patterns and behaviors and you know share with us too have you been into this situations and how did you overcome are you still going through it but we look forward to seeing you on the next episode thanks for listening bye