Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Discussin' Cussin': Handling and Co-Regulating Big Emotions - On The Ground Parenting Episode 17
31 Plays1 month ago
Welcome to Episode 17 of On the Ground Parenting! This week, hosts Sandy, Sam, and Kelly dive into a topic many parents grapple with: profanity, or "four-letter words". The conversation explores the challenges of kids testing out "bad words", handling public outbursts, and the power of connection when navigating big emotions.
The hosts share personal, often hilarious, stories:
- Sam discusses her older son's enjoyment of profanity and her younger son (turning 15) deciding he's now old enough to swear "at will".
- Kelly recounts her child's first use of a swear word to describe "sh***y gutters".
- Sandy recalls a memorable moment when her daughter excitedly pointed out "little bastards" (bass fish) on a dock.
The conversation emphasizes the importance of understanding the underlying need behind a child’s language or behavior. The hosts strongly advocate for "Connection Before Correction" , which means staying connected to hear the whole story before shutting down the expression of feelings. The hosts also discuss co-regulating, and Sam shares how she draws strength from trying to remain calm externally to help co-regulate her children.
The episode concludes with reflections on co-regulation and the importance of using humor and calmness to build lifelong relationship skills that extend far beyond parenting.
If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our hosts, visit the Central Hub at [https://linktr.ee/onthegroundparenting] On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus Parent Education Program. The podcast is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. [https://redjuicestudio.com/]
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Community Support
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Meet the Hosts: Muskoka Family Focus
00:00:34
Speaker
Welcome to On the Ground Parenting. This is brought to you by Muskoka Family Focus, the parent ed team. My name is Sandy and with me is Sam and Kelly.
00:00:44
Speaker
Welcome every everyone.
Handling Children's Use of Profanity
00:00:46
Speaker
Well, today's podcast is brought to you by the letter F. or other four-letter words or swear words, bad words, adult words, whatever you may call them.
00:00:58
Speaker
Let's talk about the times that maybe your children used language that you or maybe society at large did not feel was appropriate. What comes to mind for you?
00:01:13
Speaker
oh my goodness. This is such a topic at my house because my oldest son really enjoyed profanity a lot and it became problematic at school everywhere we were.
00:01:23
Speaker
So I told my younger son that he was just far too young to use profanity. Well, this year, turn eight fourteen turning 14, turning 15, he has decided that he is indeed old enough now to swear at will.
00:01:35
Speaker
So there are times when I have to encourage him to use less sentence enhancers and to be aware of where you can socially get away with things like that and where it's not appropriate. Yeah, it's a big one for sure.
00:01:49
Speaker
When was the first time you experienced one of your children swearing? So you were caught off guard, Kelly. I think it was when Rowan climbed in the backseat of the car and for whatever reason, perhaps parented a certain parent who shall remain nameless and said, oh, those are shitty gutters. Yeah.
00:02:09
Speaker
And what happened next? He repeated it three more times. And then I just let it go and made a mental note because Rowan is a kid, again, like the parent who shall remain nameless, who loves a good reaction out of people. So I did my best to not give him a reaction because I have a theory that kids test a lot of words to see what what reactions they get. Like we're talking about swear words, but the other word in our house that they would test drive is I'm bored.
00:02:41
Speaker
And I think that word in other families made their parents jump. But I simply said, oh, that's an interesting word. What does it mean? so it's playing with this reaction piece for me.
00:02:51
Speaker
Yes. I can remember with my daughter, we were down on a dock and You know, she had been exposed to fishing and so she knew some fish terminology. But so we were standing there and some people were noting the fish and my daughter looked over and said, look at all those little bastards.
00:03:09
Speaker
And well, we were just stunned. And then the next thing that came out of her dad and I, was we just guffawed because we were so, and we were startled and we were trying to hold it all in. It was, you know, a moment when we were just not in our best form, but my daughter's sort of, ah she reacted, not that she realized that she had said something that was inappropriate. She just thought we were remarking like, oh, she's found all these fish. Isn't that wonderful?
00:03:40
Speaker
So we just let that lie because it was obvious that she had no connection with what she was saying. And we talked with her later on about what the real name of the fish, the bass that she had seen. so That was one of our incidences.
Managing Public Outbursts
00:03:57
Speaker
And what about when you've been somewhere and your kids have been letting loose? How have you handled that in public? Tricky, tricky. I think it depends on on where I was at in terms of my skill set in the moment.
00:04:14
Speaker
And if you mean let loose with words, we certainly have had discussions about appropriate places to say certain things. um But if you mean behaviorally, there's certainly, i can remember one time, and it was just a two-year-old tantrum thing.
00:04:28
Speaker
It was, I was single parenting. It was my older son's birthday the next day. We had to buy things at the grocery store. There was no one to help me with that. It was me or it didn't happen. And so I literally walked around the entire grocery store with my little two-year-old tucked under my arm, screaming his head off, flipping out.
00:04:49
Speaker
And my older son was pushing the cart. And I would say, okay, we need that. We need that. We need that. And he just kept putting everything in and nobody was rude or anything. But I just kept thinking like, pity the people who decided that now is the time to come grocery shopping. Like we're going to get it out of here as fast as we can. But this just, we don't have another option.
00:05:08
Speaker
And i think that that was a real moment of realization for me that I had grown as a parent because previously I might have been very upset that this was happening and quickly rushed out of the store with both of my children, which sometimes is the appropriate choice to make.
00:05:21
Speaker
But in that moment, a few minutes of other people's discomfort was what was required to ensure that my child who was turning, I think he was turning eight, was going to have a decent birthday party the next day. And so I just thought we're just going to go with it.
00:05:34
Speaker
But previously, I would have wished for the ground to open up and swallow me whole. like it just would have been horrifying to me that my children were behaving in such a way out in public. But by the time it came to him, he was the, you know, the fourth child I had been raising.
00:05:48
Speaker
And it was just like, yep, he's upset. He's had a rough day. He's being a two-year-old and we will survive
Connecting Before Correcting
00:05:55
Speaker
this. And so will everyone else. I think the riding it out is something, as you mentioned, it was child number four, and certainly you come into a little more awareness and ability to not be so reactionary.
00:06:09
Speaker
Something that came to my mind with but this particular topic too, about some kind of outburst from your child. Years ago, i worked at the location, it was called Parent Child Drop-In Center.
00:06:20
Speaker
And there was a child there that was learning how to speak. and they were on top of the slide and they wanted their parents' attention. So caution everybody, I'm about to swear if you want to, you know, turn your volume down right now.
00:06:34
Speaker
But anyway, this child was talking about the fuck, the big fuck. Did everybody see the fuck? And the first time parent was absolutely mortified. You could just see the color in the face, the, you know, the agitation of the body and the gasping for air, it anyway you know, trying trying to figure out what to do and how to handle it in that moment.
00:06:56
Speaker
Because it was an environment with everyone as a parent, then there certainly was a circle of support for that parent and just helping them get through the moment that, yeah, there are those times when the child isn't actually intending to use a word that isn't acceptable or, you know, might not be appropriate.
00:07:15
Speaker
They were trying to just speak and their language development, the sounds that were coming out were not matching what they were trying to say.
00:07:24
Speaker
How about you, Kelly? Any other incidences that have come to mind? can't think of specific ones in that sense, but I was thinking about our tendency, and i I learned it from another parent that I really appreciated, was just sometimes to say the obvious. Like, that language, when your kids are of a certain age, is some people find hard on their ears, some people find offensive. Yeah.
00:07:49
Speaker
There's a social contract that in certain areas, we use certain words. In other areas, like at home, you can use different words. And just trying to help them understand that I'm not trying to shut down what they want to say or what they're trying out because it's a me issue, but it lands differently in different contexts. And it reflects, like they they will create a different relationship if they throw around some words than if they throw around other words.
00:08:16
Speaker
And sometimes I think we don't do a good job of being really direct and clear with kids about why our word will create a certain reaction in a certain environment.
00:08:27
Speaker
Oh, creating that certain reaction. It's like an explosion has gone off. The ripple effect or the chain reaction And for a child to see this unraveling of the parent, it can be confusing. It can be fulfilling.
00:08:44
Speaker
You're right, Kelly. Like, who knows what that underlying need is? Is it to explore, like pushing the boundaries to test a little bit? I really like the phrase about connection before correction.
00:08:56
Speaker
Yeah. And I think that that has supported me in some times when maybe I thought because of feeling like I was being observed or scrutinized, judged, that I needed to, you know, shut them down, so to speak.
00:09:12
Speaker
So the connection before correction. And I think this story comes from sam or Kelly, you may remember this from How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk. I think it comes from this program.
00:09:25
Speaker
where the teenager comes home and is frustrated with the teacher, you know, and says the teacher was an a-hole or a B-I-T-C-H or something like that.
00:09:36
Speaker
And it's very, you know, dramatic about it. And initially, the parent was saying, don't talk like that. We don't use language like that. So they were correcting. And what the description in the parenting program was that we need to find out, it's important to find out the underlying need or what else has gone on there and to allow them to continue to talk. So if we shut them down, if we correct them, we're be able We're not going to hear the rest of the story of maybe how they felt in the moment. Maybe they were feeling embarrassed. Maybe they were feeling um not supported or whatever it was, and that they had a need to be heard in a different capacity.
00:10:20
Speaker
So I really like that expression. And it doesn't mean that we're going to ignore it. It means that we're going to, in another moment, revisit it after they've calmed down and after we've heard the rest of the story.
00:10:32
Speaker
Then later on, we can say, hey, remember when you came home and you were really feeling upset and you used a certain term to describe your teacher? I'm wondering what else you could have used.
00:10:42
Speaker
So just a gentle way of bringing it back around again. I love connection before correction. And I've used that so many times when advocating for my children within the school system and just in life in general. But certainly it's something that I try to keep front of mind at home as
Teaching Context for Expressive Language
00:11:00
Speaker
well.
00:11:00
Speaker
And one of the things I'll often say if my children are being very expressive with their language, even as teenagers and young adults, because it isn't the best way to connect with people, I will say something like, wow, it sounds like you have a lot of big emotions around that. Well, I said that to Ryan in the car that this week.
00:11:17
Speaker
And he rolled his eyes and he's like, oh, mom, I know that you think that I should be using other words right now. Yeah. Yeah. I do. We can talk about that later. Feel free to vent as you need to, but like there's appropriate places. And I mean, in the car with me is a safe place to vent, absolutely. But he doesn't enjoy reminders that it isn't a great thing to do in other places.
00:11:40
Speaker
And Ryan has recently started going to a regular classroom instead of a withdrawal classroom. So he's in a special education program. And he hasn't spent much time in a regular classroom. And so right now he's working on feeling out like when he's in his ah other classroom, when he's one on one with an adult, if he needs to express himself and he's venting, they're probably not going to be terribly upset with him if he lets a few profane words fly.
00:12:06
Speaker
But you can't do that in the classroom when there's a whole bunch of other peers around who are observing your behavior. And perhaps you're setting a bad example for other people who might be influenced by your behavior.
00:12:19
Speaker
So it's really it was it's an interesting learning moment. And he's so logical that he understands all the reasoning issues. And he doesn't enjoy reminders about it because I know mom, but he definitely is working through that. So it's really, it is pretty fascinating. Just um there's so many social rules, which are tricky to learn as like for anyone. And kids have so much to learn.
00:12:41
Speaker
We all do. That connection piece reminds me of ah Mary Shidi Kirchinka, who wrote Raising Your Spirited Child and Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles, which were also some of my favorite books as I was trying to develop these skills of being a parent. And ah think when I heard her speak, she actually sings to the tune of Happy Birthday, which I won't do.
00:13:03
Speaker
Stay connected to your child. stay connected to your child, stay connected, work together. And to this day, sing that when I'm trying to focus on let's connect, let's connect, what's going on with you, what's hard for you, when what I want to say is, how did you not do that?
00:13:24
Speaker
Come on, Kelly. I think everyone really wants to hear those words to the tune, though.
The Importance of Connection Through Song
00:13:29
Speaker
do, for sure. I think that Kelly just teases us all the time. Come on now, Kelly, get into it.
00:13:37
Speaker
Stay connected to your child. Stay connected to your child. Stay connected. Work together. Stay connected to your child.
00:13:50
Speaker
Love it. Beautiful. Thank you. i really believe that we needed to imprint that tune and those words. So thanks so much for singing that out. I agree. I appreciate that because that will stick in my head a little bit better in these moments in the car when I'm like, why? Why are you doing this?
00:14:09
Speaker
Yeah, it's 20 years later and I still sing it In my head, usually for my kids, occasionally maybe for my husband um and occasionally for other people I'm working with, like, let's start with connection. I see you. You've got big feelings. There's lots going on.
00:14:25
Speaker
And then maybe there's a different path or a different way to handle it. Yeah. And I think that with kids as well, that overwhelming you know, the state of being a kid, we're not always, and I'm speaking as a kid myself, remembering, i couldn't always articulate what I wanted, or I may not have known what I wanted, or I may not have been the right environment for me to be able to say what I needed to say.
00:14:51
Speaker
So when there is an adult around me, who is, you know, here comes that other term in there, who is co-regulating, you know, regulating themselves enough that they can be present with me to co-regulate,
00:15:05
Speaker
then I really and truly feel that connection. And I feel supported, validated. And maybe I just need that little bit of time to be able to spit out what it is that I'm trying to figure out what's going on inside of me.
00:15:20
Speaker
And I think, Kelly, you and I were talking about a certain Disney movie that we would like to show some clips from that and maybe dive into that. Yeah, just that idea as we got into that inside out and how if we acknowledge feelings, they go away. And there's so many amazing little clips that we can watch that movie and pull out.
00:15:40
Speaker
And I often even refer to that. I was just at a couple of days of work. talking about challenges and leading change. And some of it comes back to those simple things of acknowledging the first step is to acknowledge the emotions in the room, whether we're adults leading some big project or whether there we're a five-year-old who's come back from a bad day at school and whips his backpack down with glee.
00:16:03
Speaker
huh There is a group that I'm working with right now and we were breaking it down so that what are my physical needs and are they being met and What are my mental needs? Are they being met? What are my emotional needs? Are they being met? What are my spiritual needs? Are they being met?
00:16:19
Speaker
And with all of that, then next is coming into emotional intelligence of what am I aware of within myself? And once I'm aware of that, then the next pillar would be How am I able to manage myself with all of that knowing?
00:16:36
Speaker
And then that kind of works. So working from the inside out, then I can begin to look at the environment around me, the people and the situations. And can I apply what I'm learning about myself and have that compassion for them too, so that I can come into relationship in a different way.
00:16:55
Speaker
So it's ah it's a lifelong journey. It's a lifelong exploration. yeah You know, you're hitting on those pieces that we keep coming back to or I keep coming back to because I think it's so important to think about as we build these skills as parents, we're not going to just get to use them as parents.
00:17:11
Speaker
We get to use them in our workplace. We get to use them where we volunteer. Those same pieces of i need to know what's okay with me. what my relationships are like, that building from the inside out grounds us in our parenting, but it also grounds us at 8 a.m. at the office as well.
00:17:29
Speaker
And I love to tell folks, the more we invest in our parenting skills, the better we'll be at our job. Sometimes when we work on these skills at our job, we can also bring them home to parenting. And that reciprocity of building our skill set is so important.
00:17:43
Speaker
It's such a great reminder that we have relationships everywhere and our world is based on relationships. Like everything that we do and every interaction we have is a relationship of some sort. So it is really, it's so important to remember that what we learn here will be applicable there for sure, wherever here and there may
Human Need for Connection
00:18:02
Speaker
be. In our parenting program, make the connection with your, well, it was with your infant to one year old.
00:18:08
Speaker
We talk about how we are born relating and communicating. We have this innate instinct that we want to connect with other human beings. Because literally without it, we would die.
00:18:21
Speaker
and that's the thing, right? Like it's key to our survival to be able to connect and communicate with other human beings. Well, a few years ago, I think it was the UK government announced a minister of loneliness because loneliness kills more people than heart attacks and cancer and a bunch of other things.
00:18:42
Speaker
And I think we are going to be most challenged to figure out how to make connections in our neighborhood and wider than us, especially as our kids grow up. That's really good point.
Combating Loneliness with Community Programs
00:18:52
Speaker
One of the programs that has just been launched at Gravenhurst Against Poverty, where I do my volunteer work, is a friendly phone call program for folks in our community who are isolated and feeling lonesome. So it's something that people seem to be very aware of, which I think is a great step in addressing it for sure.
Humor and Calm in Parenting Challenges
00:19:10
Speaker
Well, we talked about the ways that we're engaging in some of the ways that may be more challenging for us as parents. And so when you're faced with a moment with your child, whether it's a word that is expletive that you want to delete or behavior, what rises up from the ground now?
00:19:31
Speaker
that gives you strength. When I'm at my best, I can bring humor to the situation and have a lot of fun with it. The thing we laugh about is Rowan swore to me that he was not playing the computer game that I thought he was playing. And I can't remember the rest of the context. It was a number of years ago.
00:19:50
Speaker
And so I said, I believe you, you're not playing the computer game, but somebody is So I'm wondering... Might be time to call the police, get it fingerprinted. And he's like, I don't think that's necessary, mom. I was like, well, I'm sometimes home alone. Like I'm sometimes sleeping here alone. And if somebody's sneaking into our house and playing computer games, I need to know.
00:20:14
Speaker
Like my safety is an issue. He's like, okay, it was me. But we both laughed. But it was so fun to get him to be like, Rowan, I know without getting into it.
00:20:25
Speaker
And so when I'm at my best, I can use humor and, and just have fun with situations. How about you, Sam? For me, one of my biggest strengths is my apparent calm. Even if I feel like a squirrel in traffic on the inside, i really draw strength from trying to remain calm externally so that I can help co-regulate.
00:20:49
Speaker
And I'm starting to come to the conclusion, as we all probably do at some point, that co-regulation does not end when your children get to be 18. It continues, and not just with your children. um so it's a skill that we use in partnerships in life as well, whatever those partnerships may be. So I think when I see someone else in chaos, I try to be the calm.
00:21:12
Speaker
And I hope for reciprocity there. So sometimes when I'm in chaos, somebody else might try to be the calm. And hopefully I won't get annoyed with them if they do.
00:21:22
Speaker
Yeah, for me, when I think about being on the ground and continuing, it's kind of like you want to keep the car going, you want to keep running or whatever it is. I think actually what first came to mind when I put that query out there, because I didn't know I was going to put that query out there.
00:21:39
Speaker
But what came to mind in that instance actually was humor too. And I know that there are many times when we revisit, so, you know, the experience with my daughter on the dock or other experiences that we've had and and experiences that were medically challenging.
00:21:54
Speaker
But now on the other side of it, we actually bring humor into it. And that helps us to see it in a different light. And i think it helps us to sort of release maybe that hold that anything had on us as well too.
00:22:08
Speaker
and to move forward without any lingering, you know, I'll i'll use the word small T trauma. Okay. Thanks everyone for joining us on the ground parenting and just putting it out there.
Inviting Grandparents to the Conversation
00:22:20
Speaker
Keep an eye out for Eugene Levy. We want to talk with him about what it's like to be a grandparent.
00:22:26
Speaker
So grandparents rally. We'll see the next time.
00:22:42
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus's parent education program. It is made possible by the generous donations of listeners like you. If you'd like to make a donation, sponsor an episode, or just ask a question of one of our hosts, go to linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:23:00
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced and published by Red Juice Studios. To learn more, go to redjuicestudio.com. Thanks for listening.