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The Long Haul: Making Amends and the Myth of the Manual
23 Plays15 days ago
Welcome to Episode 12 of On the Ground Parenting. This week, host Sandy, Sam and special guest Justin consider the phrase "There's no manual for raising kids". The conversation focuses on different parenting approaches and the essential human practice of making amends when things go wrong.
The hosts explore various parenting styles—like authoritarian ("brick wall"), permissive ("jellyfish"), and authoritative ("backbone") —but ultimately agree that intentionality and mindfulness are most important. Justin shares a relatable story about losing his cool when rushed in the morning, detailing the deep hug he received from his six-year-old daughter after he took responsibility for his agitation. Samantha recounts a similar experience with her son, who calmly reminded her, "It takes as long as it takes, Mom".
The episode reinforces that accepting accountability is vital to the parent-child relationship. The hosts share practical strategies for repair, including using open-ended questions like "How can I help you?" , focusing on self-care to be a "well" parent , and exercising restraint in difficult moments.
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Transcript
Introduction and Sponsorship
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Meet the Hosts and Episode Setup
00:00:35
Speaker
Hello everyone and welcome back to On the Ground Parenting. My name is Sandy and I'm here with my colleagues, Sam and Justin. Great to be with everyone. And this is provided to you by Muskoka Family Focus. We are part of the Parenting Education team and we're excited to share our topic of conversation with you for this podcast.
The Lack of a Parenting Manual
00:00:55
Speaker
Have you ever thought this yourself or heard this from someone else? There's no manual for raising kids. There's no manual about how to be a parent.
00:01:06
Speaker
you You need a license to go fishing, but just anybody could have a child. So I thought we'd talk about all of these things around parenting.
Influence and Challenges of Parenting Styles
00:01:18
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Some people have commented on how to be an effective parent can influence the rest of your life. To be an effective parent, it means parenting in a certain way.
00:01:28
Speaker
And maybe we could describe the different parenting styles that are out there and which one we've dabbled in, moved between and landed on. do you think about for parenting styles in your parenting approach as a dad, Justin?
00:01:44
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Oh, gosh. I don't think that I could think of the name or the style or the category.
Justin's Respectful Parenting Approach
00:01:50
Speaker
i think that how ah my partner and i parent our kids, it would be based around dignity and respecting our children as individuals that have their own motivations, their own agency, their own ideas, their own dreams, their own hopes,
00:02:05
Speaker
their own likes and dislikes. And I'm certain I've read that somewhere. I think it might've been are ei parenting or Janet Lansbury or or something to that effect.
00:02:16
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But that is certainly what drove our decision-making on how to go about it at the beginning. And what it's grown into is just trying to honor a relationship the way that I would hope to be respected and honored as an adult individual.
00:02:31
Speaker
But I think of my nine-year-old and my six-year-old as ageless, right? The same way that when you really get to know somebody, you you see them as colorless or genderless. You don't think about their social location. You think about your relationship to them and how you express yourself and accept and receive how they show up in your life and how you decide to take space in their lives. And really, that's probably the best way to describe it is being intentional about those
Intentional and Flexible Parenting with Sandy
00:03:02
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relationships.
00:03:02
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And I am fully aware that there is a parenting movement called Intentional Parenting. I'm not sure adhere I adhere to all the tenants of that particular category. But if you separate the word and its meaning from perhaps the title of that parenting style intention, then I would say that's what drives me.
00:03:22
Speaker
I think that's great. And I really appreciate the way that you're saying that because I think that anyone can say that they subscribe to a certain style of parenting, but really what matters the most is how you handle the situations as they arise. So I think limiting yourself or oneself to being a certain type of parent is maybe not the best option. So keeping in mind those things of preserving the dignity of the child and the parent and, you know, making intentional choices about how you're handling situations as opposed to being labeled a certain style of parent.
Parental Influence and Family Theories
00:03:57
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For me, i I think about, you know, parenting approaches and ah big part of the reflection through the parenting programs includes knowing how I was parented, how we were parented.
00:04:12
Speaker
And the important influence, i always refer to ah Virginia Satir's family of origin theory. So essentially what we receive from our parents is the way in which we know how to relate to others, like how they're relating to us is how we know how to relate to others. And but also not blaming them. So it's just acknowledging that maybe the certain approaches or the skills that my parents had may be something that I'm really excited about embracing myself and continuing.
00:04:44
Speaker
And there may be some aspects that I'm thinking, no, I don't want to do that. I want to let go of that. But then there may be that moment where I'll hear my parent coming out of my mouth and I'll think, oh my gosh,
00:04:56
Speaker
I didn't want to do that. And how can i undo that? or So i I think for me, the commonality with the two of you is that there's intention, but for me, it's really being mindful.
00:05:08
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noticing where I'm at myself because there are times when ah I'm not keeping it all together. And I know that that is reflected in how my next actions are with my children.
Exploring Various Parenting Styles
00:05:18
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So I might be with them.
00:05:21
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But then the next part of that is Barbara Kohler also talked about making amends. So how can I repair that? So if I've been unskillful, then i can own that and I can apologize if it's appropriate in that moment to apologize And I can even talk about what else I would like to do instead. And I think that's supporting what you, Justin, were talking about, how you and Kristen are approaching in the moment that intention of being with your children.
00:05:49
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One of our programs specifically talks about parenting styles and they get into an authoritarian kind of parenting style, permissive parenting style, nurturing parenting style, and unavailable.
00:06:02
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Barbara Colaroso, because she was really big for many years, I liked her language because she talked in a way that we could understand Brick wall, that was authoritarian. Jellyfish, that was permissive. And backbone.
00:06:15
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And then that was just being authoritative without being authoritarian. So I often think about that too. The part about unavailable, I don't know if that comes up often in our conversations that maybe my parent really wasn't available for me. And I didn't know what that was called until maybe now as an adult. And maybe I'm still struggling with that.
00:06:37
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Have you ever had a time when you have maybe acted in a way that wasn't the way that you wanted to be or your parenting approach, it wasn't the most skillful?
Justin's Morning Challenge with Echo
00:06:47
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And I could just see Justin raising his hand up there and acknowledging, yeah, we we can all take ownership for that, right? So what did you do, Justin?
00:06:55
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Yes, Andy. So I actually had some of that today. As I was trying to get Echo, my six-year-old daughter, out of the house and ready for school, ah We're solo right now. It's just her and I for the week as Kristen, my partner, and my other daughter are away on a canoe trip.
00:07:11
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And so I was behind. You know, there's a list of about 15 to 20 things that have to happen as you get ready um and get out of the door, right? Breakfast, brushing your teeth, getting dressed, you know, all this stuff.
00:07:25
Speaker
And so was a little agitated as the clock ticked and we got closer and closer to in danger of being laid or, and having to be rushed on the road. And I just became frustrated with the resistance, the consistent resistance that my daughter was putting forward.
00:07:41
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Everything that I had asked was really difficult for her to be what I would perceive as cooperative in that moment. Everything came with a difficulty or a couple no's or a couple you know moments of you know whining or something like that.
00:07:59
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And like I said, I just became a little bit agitated and a little bit elevated. Yeah. And we left on the road and I was sort of behaving in a way that was not completely aligned with the kind of parent I want to be or, you know, respectful individual.
00:08:17
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And that's a high bar. i wasn't being disrespectful, but my bar of how respectful I want to be is perhaps is high. And so um I'm hard on myself, or at least I'm mindful of these moments sort of as they're happening as well. You can sort of observe yourself.
00:08:31
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um getting a little bit hot under the collar. And after the day when I saw Echo after school, I pulled her aside and I just said, hey, listen, this morning we were behind schedule and that sort of made everything a lot more difficult.
00:08:46
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And the reason we were behind schedule was because of my lack of preparation. And that is not on you. And I'm really sorry for how I responded to that difficulty that I was feeling this morning.
00:08:58
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It wasn't fair to be hyper-focused on what you were bringing to the table that made it difficult and not focusing at all on all the things that I had failed to do.
00:09:09
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And she grabbed me really tight around the neck, which I have noticed happens quite a bit when I'm able to find the gumption to be able to pause my ego and hold space for my children's feelings and to validate their experience, regardless of whether it created some sort of difficult circumstance or uncomfortable moment.
00:09:32
Speaker
That's when they really want to grab onto dad because i think they feel heard and seen. And so today was a moment where That strengthened our relationship, even though there was you know some really uncomfortable moments this morning. I was feeling bad all day. I wanted to leave work, pull her out of school to apologize to her.
00:09:51
Speaker
And I was counting the minutes until the end of the day. When am I going to get my opportunity to make this right? That's so lovely. Yeah, it it sure is, Justin. The affirmation from her, that deep squeeze was like a child not being able to bring forward the words to say, oh, I'm so glad that you took that responsibility. I was feeling a little bit rough. and And the child is just giving you that big, deep, squeezing hug saying, thanks for knowing what I was feeling.
00:10:22
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Thanks for admitting what happened. And I think being able to be the adult is all about accepting responsibility for my own emotions and actions.
00:10:34
Speaker
Yeah, it's a sweet moment, actually, when when you get to come full circle around to that. You know, when we talk about parenting styles, that it does make a difference, even when, Justin, you were talking about this week when, you know, your partner's away. So there you are on your own.
00:10:52
Speaker
So there are those
Sam's Solo Parenting During COVID
00:10:53
Speaker
experiences, too. We notice that we feel that. and it And it may be that that's a temporary experience, but it may be for some people that they are parenting solo all the time.
00:11:02
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And so there's an awful lot that's on them all the time. There's no person that you can count on to be there, no other person to bear time of the responsibility. So it influences ah how we are as well. And maybe we aren't able to even get that break.
00:11:20
Speaker
Sam, do you want to offer your insight to that? Yeah, I definitely have some insight to that. I single parented my boys for 12 years, actually. And now I'm very happy to have a wonderful husband in my life who is a great stepdad because he doesn't really try to parent because it would not be an ideal situation for my kids to have somebody come in at this late stage and try to parent them necessarily. But he's happy to to help with things and offer advice and Be a sounding board, which are all the wonderful things that young men need in their lives.
00:11:53
Speaker
But I just think back and just talking about parenting styles and a program that we do offer is called Make the Connection. And I remember during COVID and I've never been so alone in parenting as I was during COVID because.
00:12:07
Speaker
My boys did not leave my house. They would frequently go to their dad's house every other weekend or so before that. Not always, but fairly often. But during COVID, they weren't able to because he was an essential service worker.
00:12:19
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And so they were with me all the time. And I was not feeling amazing about how I was managing one day. And I had been teaching Make the Connection online or facilitating Make the Connection online.
00:12:31
Speaker
And I had these huge post-it notes on the wall and it had all of the parenting styles. And it also had a little description of them. And Ryan, who had just learned how to read, it was like this penny drop.
00:12:46
Speaker
Suddenly this kid who couldn't read could read. And he's reading through this and he's reading the descriptions. And he said, you know, mom, I think that you really fit into the nurturing parenting style.
00:12:59
Speaker
And I said, Oh, really? You have no idea how much it means to me to hear that today. Because today I have not been feeling like I've been very aware of your feelings or your brother's feelings. And I've been really stuck in the mud about how things are going sort of hear you say that is, is just a lovely
The Role of Self-Awareness in Parenting
00:13:17
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gift.
00:13:18
Speaker
And then he went on to explain to me why he felt that, which was wonderful because That was my goal, right? Like I want to be a nurturing parent, but there are times when you're not as nurturing as you want to be. So that was a delightful thing to hear that despite how I was feeling and how things might've been going, the overall impression that my child was having was that I was there for him and I was supporting him and he felt safe with me. So that's what I wanted. And it worked out that that's what he was feeling, which is great.
00:13:49
Speaker
And I see that all the time in our interactions now because he's not afraid to talk to me about his feelings. And just hearing you talk about your rush this morning, Justin, we had a day like that last week. It was my fault. I slept in. I was exhausted.
00:14:03
Speaker
I did not wake him up in time to do his morning routine. And yes, he could set an alarm, blah, blah, blah. He's a 14-year-old boy. like Mom's going to have to wake him up for a bit longer, and that's fine.
00:14:13
Speaker
Yeah. But I rushed him. And then we were grumpy. Like it was just, he was grumpy. i was irritated. It wasn't a good thing. he gets in the van and I said, all right, I'm really sorry to have rushed you this morning.
00:14:26
Speaker
i overslept. That was my poor planning. And he said, I just don't like it when I'm in the middle of brushing my teeth and someone tells me to hurry. Like it takes as long as it takes, mom. Like, yep, it does. You're right.
00:14:40
Speaker
Yeah. So it just, never goes away that whole, we all i think that's a common human thing to get snagged on is when you feel pressured or rushed, you look for an outlet. It's gotta be someone's fault, right? Like it just, I think that's a pretty human reaction to that. So anyhow, by the time we drove the three minutes to drop him off at school, he was fine. And it was ah good little reminder for me that, yep.
00:15:07
Speaker
you know, keeping in mind people's routines and being aware that everybody has their moments and really just being more supportive in the morning. And to be honest, I've set my alarm to wake me up a little bit earlier this week and it's been going really well.
00:15:23
Speaker
Thank
Preview of Future Topics
00:15:24
Speaker
you. I think this topic of, um you know, parenting styles and how we may have an approach, but there will be those times when we're not fully on our game and, you know, there's human nature and other influences. But I think that aspect of coming back and accepting our responsibility, being accountable for our own actions and really contributes to the relationship.
00:15:47
Speaker
Yeah. We will talk about this again in another podcast session, but going forward, I think maybe the idea of seeing that we're in this for the long haul and that these one-offs that we have, how can we make amends through that?
00:16:03
Speaker
How can we get back on track is really essential. And as well, even knowing those parents who are parenting with partners, And by the way, you can be parenting with a partner and still not be supported.
00:16:17
Speaker
So we didn't dive into that very much, but we'll talk about that in another episode as well. And what it's like to be a person parenting solo and all of the other, you know, variations on the theme of being a parent.
00:16:33
Speaker
So for this week, I'm wondering from a mindful perspective of accepting accountability as an adult, we often think about what can I do?
00:16:43
Speaker
So when you think about that in your own relationship with your kids, maybe when things go awry or you're not in your game, ah you've already talked about that, but what comes to mind for you or what rises up as far as what can I do in this moment?
Mindfulness and Accountability Strategies
00:16:59
Speaker
I was just going to say that's something that I think about often because now that I'm parenting young adults, there are times when they say really mean things. And my human instinct is to snap back with something also that's not nice.
00:17:16
Speaker
And I have this little dialogue going on in my head all the time. Like, okay, just take a minute. He didn't mean it. He's just upset. um It's okay. I just need to not say this thing that I really want to say right now.
00:17:31
Speaker
And it sounds so petty. And I ah hear that as I'm saying it, but it's just this, like this bubbling up of something that wants to come out. And I really have to keep it pushed down in those moments because it isn't okay for me to be mean just because they're being mean.
00:17:49
Speaker
and I would never want to do that. But it really, sometimes when your feelings are hurt, it's hard not to hurt someone else's feelings. And then invariably, i will say both of my boys Even my really hot-headed boy, always circles back to apologize because he knows that what he said was mean. And he does feel remorse for that.
00:18:10
Speaker
But it's just his way of unleashing his anger in the moment. It might not even be directed at me. So it's definitely a process. And it's okay to remind yourself in those moments that it's, you can do this, just hang tough. It's okay. You don't have to give into this. this is gonna go. It's gonna pass. It's not forever.
00:18:30
Speaker
how about you, Justin? Yeah, when I think of something I can do, my mind immediately goes to looking inward for accountability and work, self-work, something that somewhere or something where I can affect change.
00:18:46
Speaker
But you know like you said, Sandy, I think we talked about that a little bit already. So maybe I'll offer up a different perspective. Something that I can do is prepare myself to be well.
00:18:57
Speaker
right? So really focus on self-care outside of those parenting moments, whether that's my diet, my sleeping habits, do I have extracurriculars that are filling my cup, making art, going for walks, taking care of myself so that when those stressful and uncomfortable or or um difficult moments arise, I might have the skill to be able to do some of those things that Sam had just mentioned, right? Taking a deep breath and finding a better version of myself for that moment and a better response.
00:19:29
Speaker
I can appreciate both stories from each of you and just knowing for myself, I think it's the open-ended question.
00:19:40
Speaker
So the curiosity, so tell me more. That's what I can do because there are times when I can feel myself getting ah either panicky or that urgency of either I want to nip it in the bud or I want it to get them to hurry up.
00:19:56
Speaker
So by asking that question, what else do you need right now? Or how can I help you? Just so I'm tossing it back to them instead of me making the decision and telling them, and I think that I'm going to, you know, expedite everything, but it never works out that way.
00:20:13
Speaker
So I think that that's mostly what I would be offering is asking the open-ended question, being curious about their situation or their state.
00:20:24
Speaker
Of course, I have grandkids now too, but even with my adult children, I see that that's something that ends up providing me more input about them, which is just delightful.
00:20:37
Speaker
It's beautiful.
Teaser for Future Grandparenting Episode
00:20:39
Speaker
Our ah session on grandparenting has been delayed a little bit. We haven't committed anything yet with Eugene Levy, but as a new grandparent, we can appreciate that he might be, you know, pretty deep in diapers and all those things related to having young babies, grandchildren. So we'll get back to you when our grandparenting episode will be released.
00:21:02
Speaker
Thank you. And thanks everyone for listening. Always let us know what's either encouraging you, challenging you. We want to know, is it hitting the mark or is there a topic you'd really like us to bring forward?
00:21:18
Speaker
Let us know. Click on the link below.
Conclusion and Listener Engagement
00:21:21
Speaker
That's this session from those of us at Muskoka Family Focus Parented Team on the ground parenting. Farewell.
00:21:46
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus Parent Education Program. If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our host, visit the Central Hub at linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:22:02
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. To learn more, visit redjuicestudio.com forward slash nonprofits. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next Wednesday on On the Ground Parenting.