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The September New Year: Navigating Transitions - Episode 7
30 Plays1 month ago
This week on On the Ground Parenting, hosts Sandy, Sam, and Kelly discuss the "September New Year" and the pressure and excitement that come with new beginnings. The hosts share personal experiences navigating transitions, from early school jitters and a new parent's anxiety over packing, to the monumental transition of a child going to university. Samantha notes the shift from being a parent driven by anxiety and external pressure to a more confident, at-ease advocate for her children.
In This Episode
[01:21] The "September New Year" and dealing with a new schedule.
[02:42] Shifting from parental anxiety to at-ease advocacy.
[04:19] The idea of being a "sturdy parent" and setting intentional boundaries.
[06:01] Managing the guilt of external pressures, especially for parents of neurodivergent children.
[07:46] Adjusting to new routines and the importance of parental self-care.
[11:38] The relief of passing packing responsibilities to kids.
[14:19] De-escalating tense moments by taking a pause.
[16:42] The importance of a parent's words matching their body language.
[21:56] Final takeaways on ownership, awareness, and staying grounded.
Connect with Us
If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our hosts, visit the Central Hub at linktr.ee/onthegroundparenting
On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. To learn more, visit redjuicestudio.com
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Transcript
Introduction and Listener Support
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Welcome and Podcast Introduction
00:00:34
Speaker
Hi everyone, welcome to On the Ground Parenting Podcast. My name is Sandy and with me today Sam and Kelly. It's great to be with everyone. Muskoka Family Focus bringing to you this podcast for parents and anyone who might be a caregiver of children.
Transition from Summer to School Year
00:00:52
Speaker
So summer, we're slowly letting go of summer, moving on into a whole new time of year with a schedule. September. lot of people talk about September being the new year.
00:01:04
Speaker
the real new year, the beginning. So we have happenings of maybe children starting daycare, maybe ah children starting kindergarten, the big school for the first time, moving into high school, college, university, great beginnings.
00:01:21
Speaker
I'm just wondering what beginnings you've experienced in September before, Sam or Kelly? Kelly? I was just contemplating the difference between September now versus September when my children were much smaller. So it's an entirely different feeling. It's still, I get that kind of like excited, oh, it's a new school year. It's new beginnings, new things starting, but not the same degree of pressure that I felt when my kids were much younger.
00:01:48
Speaker
What kinds of pressure? There's so much pressure. Lots of worries about what sorts of materials the kids are going to need at school. How many pairs of shoes do they need? What else you have to send? What you need to send in their lunch? What are they going to eat versus what are you going to be criticized for potentially?
00:02:04
Speaker
Just lots of external pressure as well as the internal pressure as a parent to try to make everything perfect.
Easing School Preparations Over Time
00:02:11
Speaker
But now Ryan, my youngest, is going into grade 10.
00:02:15
Speaker
So I don't even have the same grade 9 jitters that I had last year. I know that, oh yeah, we're going to have to grab him another pair of shoes, but he doesn't need them right now. I know that his shoes that he had from last year are going to fit him for another couple months. So that's not a big deal.
00:02:29
Speaker
We don't need to buy him a whole bunch of new clothes. I know I don't need to buy him a whole bunch of school supplies because I'll wait until he actually starts school to find out what he needs. I don't do that rushing out to buy everything on the list thing that I did when kids were younger.
00:02:42
Speaker
And now I don't worry about what he's going to eat or not eat because I send what he's going to eat. And that's that. I don't worry about what anyone else might think of it. I don't care if it doesn't fit what someone else might consider to be a healthy lunch.
00:02:54
Speaker
Being neurodivergent, Ryan also is very particular about what he'll consume. So I'm really at ease with that. But I wasn't when he was younger. It was very stressful. And there was a lot of potential for conflict and concern from other folks about what might be going in as lunch and things like that. So it's just really evident this year for us that it's been a huge year of growth and change. Everybody's a little bit more settled and mature and ready to go, I think.
Personal Growth and Family Intentions
00:03:20
Speaker
yeah I can hear that ease in what you're saying. And I was curious, like, what do you think helped you get from anxiety and pressure? Because that's kind of what I heard to there's a bit of an ease and an owning your growth.
00:03:32
Speaker
Honestly, it really for me is just the the change in the year. It's just the aging. I've matured. i am much stronger person than I was when my kids were younger.
00:03:44
Speaker
advocacy is something that comes really quite easily to me now. Some might argue too easily at times. Yeah, I think it's just been such a growth in working on it. I've put so much time and energy and effort into working on those things so that I wouldn't be as wound up all the time about worrying about school or what people might think or What's my child's life going to be like when they're 45? I'm really a lot more at ease with just experiencing the journey now than I was, you know, two, three, five, 10 years ago.
00:04:19
Speaker
I love that. And it reminds me of our previous conversation where Sandy talked a little bit about the work we have to do on ourselves. And that's also reminding me of this idea Dr. Becky has around being a sturdy parent, like doing the work so that we can have this more easeful, accepting kind of relationship with our kids, which doesn't mean permissive.
00:04:41
Speaker
There's still boundaries. And I think boundaries is where I think about new routines and setting intentions and What do I want this new fall to be for
Pressures for Parents of Non-Neurotypical Children
00:04:50
Speaker
our family? Not only do what do I want our family to do, whether it's activities or those sorts of things, but also what do I want them to not do?
00:04:59
Speaker
In our best years, we sometimes set aside a night where nobody had an activity so we could have at least family night. In our worst years, we not only had too many activities, but they had conflicting times and we felt like we were constantly running the road, like the roadrunner.
00:05:16
Speaker
I really love hearing you say that because in my life with my two biological children, I've let go of the guilt that there are no activities. There were not team sports that my children were comfortable doing. There were not, you know, swimming lessons were private once children became comfortable enough to be in the water.
00:05:36
Speaker
Just, it really highlights for me the differences. And I think there's probably a lot of folks out there who have children who aren't neurotypical, who have an entirely different level of anxiety about seeing what their peers and their peers' children are doing. So I vaguely remember a time when my stepchildren were in activities and it was very busy and hectic, but with my own two children, activities weren't something that was really a possibility for the most part.
00:06:01
Speaker
So I think that people who have children who are not neurotypical, there's a lot of other pressures in there about what their peers may be doing, what their peers' children may be doing.
00:06:12
Speaker
And it can be really tricky to navigate that piece and not take on the guilt that maybe your children aren't doing the same things that you see, especially on social media, other people's children doing.
00:06:24
Speaker
and not joining the activities that maybe are the typical activities that kids their age are doing. So I think that it's just important to acknowledge that as well. This whole end of summer, beginning of September, new year feels very differently for people depending on what their life circumstances are.
Emotional Transitions and Parental Management
00:06:40
Speaker
And as you said that, Sam, it reminded me of being a new mom I had twin girls. They were maybe three. And I hung out with somebody who had a four-year-old who was already taking violin lessons.
00:06:54
Speaker
And I remember coming home and thinking, that I've already ruined my entire children's lives because they got to the age of three and I had not provided these expensive music lessons when we were like scraping together money for groceries.
00:07:10
Speaker
And then I watched a different movie and got my got my perspective back. But it's really easy to get caught up in this, like it's now or never, you will wreck your kids. Related, we avoided one transition.
00:07:23
Speaker
Our girls were not ready anymore. for junior kindergarten. So we chose to keep them out that year and do more things at home with them. And an older teacher assured me that I had made a terrible decision and I had wrecked them for life.
00:07:39
Speaker
oh that's a lot of pressure. Holy moly. about you, Sandy? Was there any experiences with the start of the school year that come to mind for you? um Well, I think about trying to transition into a new routine and what that looks like and how we can even adjust into maybe getting to bed earlier so we can get up earlier and Perhaps children won't have the luxury of delaying when they eat their first meal and there's a lot of pressure as far as trying to get something into them before they have to go on a bus or get into school. And for us, we would begin our preparation for the week on a Sunday night, actually. It would help everyone settle down. For me, i would write out what my schedule would be for the week. I happen to work in a few different places.
00:08:29
Speaker
And that meant that I could look at my page to see where I was supposed to be at what time. And I would also add what the kids needed to have. And if they had extracurricular activities happening, you know, for example, i have grandkids starting ah different grades and starting a school. And well, actually going back to when I was in school and I was the kid who was biting the kindergarten teacher and my mom would come and peek in the window to see if I had been set, if I was able to settle down. And um so I was the, you know, the problematic child.
00:09:03
Speaker
and um so it's just interesting when you think over the years, how life shifts a little wee bit. And, and I remember when my daughter was going to university in another province and we had the weekend, we got her settled and we were heading home and,
00:09:19
Speaker
said goodbye to her and got back in the vehicle. And then I looked at her dad and I said, I just have to cry really hard right now. I'm okay, but I just have to cry really hard. So that was what I did. i cried from one province to the other, I think.
00:09:33
Speaker
And then I managed to release that. So i think just noting what is arising in the body and, you know, what thoughts are there, what fears are there, what emotions and being able to give yourself space as you come into this whole new way of being.
Setting Family Intentions and Routines
00:09:50
Speaker
i love that. It's the whole new, like it really is the new year.
00:09:54
Speaker
And what I heard in both of your stories is these seasons where some years are really hard. Last year, Sam talked about Ryan starting school Sandy's talking about kids going to university. Some years are bigger transitions and more new New Year's and some are just a little bit more comforting, a little bit more routine, but it's such a moment in time to pause and think about in the ways that we can control something.
00:10:20
Speaker
How can we set our families up, not just for success in school or success in jobs, but in time together and how do we connect together? In what do we learn and grow separately?
00:10:31
Speaker
And so I've been really trying to be a bit more intentional for me and our family this year about if I say yes to this, what does that mean I won't have time for in our routine and in our family life?
00:10:43
Speaker
That's such a great way of being intentional about what you're choosing to use your time for because time, especially free time, can be so very limited. We had a tradition when my kids were younger. The day before school started, we'd get everything ready on the Sunday. We'd have the Monday off for Labor Day and we would go on a hike.
00:11:00
Speaker
But then when I had Ryan, that was no longer an option because him being outside for that amount of time was just going to be a misery for everyone. So we we changed it up and then kids get older and and you change how those things look. But I really think that getting prepped on the Sunday, as Sandy mentioned, is such a great idea, especially the first few
Fostering Independence in Children
00:11:24
Speaker
weeks.
00:11:24
Speaker
And it was always me doing it, which I realized as my children were getting older, that was a huge error. I should have really been passing those tasks along. So I think that just learning better routines as you mature and as your children get older is such a great idea.
00:11:38
Speaker
When my other kids were younger, i would pack their bags and have everything all ready. And then they wouldn't know if their pencil case was in there and what was in it. As they got older and I got more savvy, I wouldn't do that. i'd be like, okay, what do you need in your backpack? Here's all your stuff. Get it organized so you know where to find it, which was a huge release of pressure for me. I didn't have to do it for one thing.
00:12:00
Speaker
And for the other thing, they knew what they had and they knew what they needed and it was all right there for them. So um those routines are so important for sure. You're reminding me a bit about one year we decided that we would start this routine of having a more formal Sunday night dinner. So we called it manners
Family Routines and Social Impressions
00:12:16
Speaker
night.
00:12:16
Speaker
And the idea in our minds was that the kids could learn how to set a table a bit more formally. we could really work on some of those more formal skills that, you know, maybe kids will never need, but they might need. That was our goal.
00:12:31
Speaker
And my husband had grown up with a grandmother who, deliberately took them for dinner in nice places to teach them manners and would stab them with a fork if they misstepped. So that's always been the joke.
00:12:42
Speaker
But then we have friends over that we're just getting to know. They're new friends. You're trying to make a good impression. They have a baby. we have a four-year-old and eight-year-olds. And the kids are like, mom, mom, is it manners night tonight?
00:12:54
Speaker
Which made me feel like we never had manners any other time, but just this like once in a while kind of moment. Can you think of any routines and tensions you tried to set in September that you ended up face down in the dirt?
00:13:09
Speaker
It did not work out the way that you wanted.
Managing Sibling Tensions
00:13:11
Speaker
I'm just thinking, I'm sure there are. i honestly am riding this blissful lack of pressure this year. And I think that I've blocked some of those more challenging, ready for school moments out of my brain.
00:13:24
Speaker
but I was just thinking about some of those intense moments that arise just because of that whole idea of the pressure of trying to make sure everyone has food in their belly before they head off to the bus or arrive at school. And it can be that not everyone is a morning person.
00:13:45
Speaker
And i remember sitting at the table or I was getting something else ready to go and hearing one child say to the other, don't breathe my air. And so it was just that intense moment where they were not quite amenable to being in the other person's space at such an early time in the morning. And so then trying to find a way that would help them adjust and be with each other. And I remember quite clearly that there was one moment when I invited them to come out on the front step and it was winter.
00:14:19
Speaker
And they were out there like they were just, you know, like, what's going on? What's happening? What's going on? And I said, I just needed something to get your attention in a different way. And I said, the cold worked. And we weren't out there for a long time, everyone. wasn't that I, you know, was causing my children to get frostbite or anything. I just needed that bit of a change to kind of help them become dislodged from the intensity of, you know, not liking each other in that moment.
00:14:45
Speaker
I don't think any of us thought you were trying to cause your children to have frostbite or anything, Sandy.
Morning Routines and Emotional Support
00:14:50
Speaker
It's really interesting now that you're mentioning those intense moments because neither of my children really particularly enjoyed going to school. So it was always, I called it the dog and pony show in the morning, trying to get them out the door into school. So I just don't even know how I survived those years. But I would download an episode of something on the iPad that my youngest son would like to watch while I was driving my other child to school. And then I would take my youngest son
00:15:16
Speaker
to daycare, where I knew that he would stand at the door miserably for at least half an hour, whether I waited there or not, so I would leave. And then he had to listen to the same song every morning. So we'd be listening to the same song on the radio in the car every single morning. And that drove my older son nuts. Like it just was this constant trying to support each of them in their needs and um But it was so tricky to do. So then we we stopped listening to it for the whole drive and I would only put it on after we had dropped my older son off at school.
00:15:47
Speaker
I just think about all these little details that wander around. in a parent or caregiver's mind when they're trying to get little folks to do what we need them to do. Yeah, you're bringing back all the challenges and joys of school starts and daycares.
00:16:03
Speaker
And my kids were really slow to transition. So we often toured the building ahead of time. We often talked about what backpack they would take, what they would wear. So they had that sense.
00:16:16
Speaker
My girls especially really appreciated some touch object to get them through a transition. So sometimes it was one of my necklaces. When they were in daycare, I gave them little fairy puppets.
00:16:29
Speaker
They just needed something to be like, even if mom's not here, there's this thing. And that worked really well for them. it did not work as well for my son who just... either as all in or all out.
00:16:42
Speaker
Yeah. And I think in that moment, Kelly, where as a parent, we're acknowledging what it's like for the child and that connection, that foundation, that, you know, that security that they have with their home base. And when they're not with the home base, what is it that will help them to feel connected ah when they're away and it might be that little ah toy or favorite stuffy or whatever that would go into their cubby at the school or and remain in
Communicating Sincerely with Children
00:17:13
Speaker
their backpack. But I think it's sort of connected as well to the child may have their own emotion about it and separate from my emotion and
00:17:22
Speaker
We talked earlier and I mentioned how I could say to my child, you're going to have a good day. And the words might sound okay, but the look on my face was like fear and pain.
00:17:34
Speaker
And so I was projecting onto them ah contrary message. They were hearing one thing, but seeing another and watching. We all know that body language, you know facial expressions really supersede the words that someone may hear. So recognizing for me that what I wanted to project to my children really was a whole body practice.
00:17:55
Speaker
And i I had to come in into making sure that my actions of my body, my facial expressions were supporting those words so that My children would go forward being clear about the message that I was trying to convey to them. One thing that strikes me about that is that Ryan always was super in tune with my emotions.
Children's Perception of Sincerity
00:18:17
Speaker
So I had to work really hard at that because there were times that it was really hard to leave him at daycare or school when I knew that it was hard for him.
00:18:25
Speaker
And he would say, um your eyes are sad, despite the fact that I was giving it my all to try to make it seem like it's okay, I'll be back later. They have all these fun things planned for today. And he'd take one look at my face and he'd say, your eyes are sad.
00:18:41
Speaker
Like, yeah, I'm having some mixed emotions right now because I can see that you're having a hard morning. Oh, and that would be that. For someone who's autistic, he's so in tune with certain folks and how their body language is communicating with him. And I've always loved that about him. And also it's been one of our largest challenges.
00:19:00
Speaker
There's good research out there that says kids pick up on it, exactly what Sandy just said. And so naming it, like, I know you'll be safe here. And I know this is a good place for you to be. And I have to go to work. Like sometimes as an adult, I have to do things that honestly, I'd rather play cars with you all day. And I need to earn money for our food, our house, our roof over our head. Because this is what parents do when they love their kids. Yeah.
00:19:27
Speaker
And so sometimes we did some of those sentences. At one point, my kids were complaining that we didn't have cable TV. And I said, we could get cable TV. It costs this much money, which is roughly me working this much.
00:19:40
Speaker
So you have a choice. Do you want me to work a little bit more and have fewer evenings or afternoons together? Or do you want cable TV? And phew, they chose me, but you know, it could have gone the other way.
00:19:52
Speaker
Yeah. But I love that you were willing to ah take that on regardless, right? Like you gave them the information and you led them to make a choice that worked for your whole family. I think that's just lovely. Throughout all of this, I think what my kids noted was, we called it a fake meter in my house.
00:20:10
Speaker
So the kids would be able to determine how sincere someone was. And because kids have this incredible innate, this perception of people whether or not they're giving them the real deal.
00:20:23
Speaker
Are they sincere? Are they just saying that just to try to appease me or get me to do something? So throughout all of that, as we're preparing our children to go off, you know, whether it's daycare or whether it's university,
00:20:37
Speaker
how sincere are you in your words, your promises, your interactions with them so that they will feel that you're authentically there with them. Maybe you're validating how they are.
00:20:51
Speaker
Maybe you're validating how you are yourself. And throughout all of it as well, there's the underlying awareness of What was my own experience in any of these areas, like starting a school, being in school?
00:21:04
Speaker
Did I have ah an exhilarating, successful, inspiring um career at school or even the extracurricular activities? And just knowing that I can either make or break my child's experience, depending on how I'm speaking about it or sharing the information, my own experience.
00:21:27
Speaker
love I love the fake meter. We see it in unison because we're that time. But I think was also one of those kids who really could sense when people were not genuine, but I didn't have the words for it.
00:21:44
Speaker
And what a gift to teach our kids to have that word, like my, whether it's my fake meter or some other phrase your family might use to be like, A plus B don't match.
Intentional Parenting and Awareness
00:21:56
Speaker
yeah So getting back into routine, what's rising up for you that will make sense and get you through it, Sam? The thing that's foremost in my mind right now is just um just taking it as it comes, like that that whole routine.
00:22:14
Speaker
It's so different as your kiddos get older. Ryan's taking care of getting his own sleep schedule back on track. I can prompt him or give him suggestions, but he's taking ownership of that.
00:22:25
Speaker
He's letting me know what he thinks he might need to be able to take on the first day of school. um And he will let me know what groceries I need to pick up so he has the things he wants to eat. So um I'm really enjoying his ownership in the routine this year, I think. That's what's really hitting me.
00:22:43
Speaker
And for you, Kelly? I think for me, it's that awareness theme that we kept circling around and around to. What is it that's arising for me in this season of transition, of getting back to routines?
00:22:59
Speaker
When is it mine to own? When is it other people's stuff? When is it triggers from a bazillion years ago? or when is it something I really have to deal with? So just taking the time to slow down and be aware of what I'm feeling in my body, what's racing through my head, and what do I really need to act on? Hmm.
00:23:19
Speaker
For me, I think about September being hitting the ground running. And in that activity, i do want to notice, like you mentioned, like I really need to notice what's happening within myself because I know I can ramp up my kids.
00:23:36
Speaker
purely because I'm maybe not settled with something or I'm worrying about something or I'm feeling behind. um Yeah. Like the body scan really helps me to notice stuff. And then what is it that I need to take a pause to bring myself back into feeling grounded instead of that I'm hitting the ground running.
00:23:59
Speaker
So breathing, take it take a few good deep breaths. Agreed. Yeah. See you next week, everybody. On the Ground Parenting Podcast.
Podcast Production Information and Support
00:24:26
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus Parent Education Program. If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our host, visit the Central Hub at linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:24:43
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. To learn more, visit redjuicestudio.com forward slash nonprofits. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next Wednesday on On the Ground Parenting.