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The Gift of Gratitude and Flexibility
25 Plays28 days ago
Sandy, Sam, and exciting guest host Justin explore the joys and challenges of seasonal family gatherings like Thanksgiving. The conversation opens with reflections on the September transition and the different ways each family approaches holiday gatherings, noting that the goal is always "togetherness".
The discussion delves into the pressures that can arise during these events, from balancing multiple families to the historical complexities of the Thanksgiving holiday. The hosts emphasize the importance of flexibility and being able to respect a child’s needs, especially when dealing with neurodivergence or anxiety. Sam shares a personal story about avoiding large gatherings and finding a way for her son to participate on his own terms. Justin discusses how holidays can be an "inflection point" for resolving difficult family dynamics, and a chance to offer children dignity and agency. The episode concludes with a heartwarming "love fest" as the hosts share their gratitude for each other and the opportunity to share their parenting journeys with the world.
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Transcript
Introduction and Sponsorship
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Meet the Hosts: Sandy, Sam, and Justin
00:00:34
Speaker
Welcome back to On the Ground Parenting. I'm Sandy Inkster joining you from Muskoka Family Focus with my colleagues, Sam. and Justin. I want everyone to know what a thrill it is for me. i just get so excited every time we do a recording.
00:00:51
Speaker
It's like I'm meeting up with some really great friends, but people who challenge me at the same time in a good way. so I just wanted to say howdy doody to my work colleagues. I'm thrilled to be with you.
Thanksgiving Traditions Discussion
00:01:04
Speaker
This week, I thought maybe because we're sort of getting close to my part of Ontario where we might be talking about Thanksgiving. And so we're getting together, maybe with families, maybe with friends.
00:01:18
Speaker
Maybe there's a little bit of uncertainty about how to celebrate because we're acknowledging maybe what happened during the time of... when ah the whole notion of Thanksgiving was being evolved.
00:01:31
Speaker
So what happens for you in your family? How do you prepare for your family, Sam, to get together maybe with other people, other friends? Usually it's a family thing and it's kind of a journey around because we're far flung. My parents live about an hour north and my husband's parents live about half an hour south.
00:01:51
Speaker
But we usually try to get everyone together. But it's also my sister's birthday that weekend. So there's a lot of reason to celebrate in that timeframe, which has always been lovely.
00:02:02
Speaker
um But for my family at large, when we were younger, it was really all about getting as many folks together as you could to just have some time together and connect before everybody kind of hibernates for the winter. So it just has always been that glorious time of togetherness and thankfulness.
00:02:21
Speaker
And to be honest, it hasn't ever really focused on the reason for Thanksgiving, which I think can be ah blessing and also a curse because it wasn't something that was well known when i was younger. And certainly now with my children, we have a lot of conversations about why Thanksgiving is and some of the not great reasons why we have that holiday, but still pretty grateful to have that opportunity to meet with friends and family and enjoy time together and of course eat delicious things like turkey and pumpkin pie.
00:02:54
Speaker
What happens in your family, Justin? So our relationship to holidays is really driven by which ones the kids are most interested in, sort of in ranked order.
00:03:05
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And that'll often be determined by which is the most fun, what might have costumes, or which has you know the most availability and access to gifts and presents. So frankly, you know Thanksgiving has always been pretty low on the ladder.
00:03:20
Speaker
in terms of significance. And really what's important for us around the holidays, Thanksgiving or Christmas or or any other, is flexibility, right? Our parents and siblings, my partner and I, are sort of strewn are all around Ontario. And many of our siblings have young children as well.
00:03:40
Speaker
So it's really about who's willing to adjust How much are are you willing to be flexible? And how many weeks off can we push this if needed, depending on an early season flu or cold or COVID?
Family Dynamics During Holidays
00:03:54
Speaker
And so, you know, we're dodging cancellations and postponements. And that's sort of the name of the game for Thanksgiving. um It's are we going to be able to get together How far, how deep into October will it be? And really just the togetherness piece is the most important. When or where is less important? And certainly some of the traditions that Sam mentioned around the quote unquote true or traditional history of the celebrations of Thanksgiving, that stuff is sort of not moved to the forefront for us yet and and may never happen.
00:04:25
Speaker
It's so interesting hearing the two of you speak about your family experiences. And so for me, when my children were young, I really felt that there was ah demand from my parents.
00:04:36
Speaker
And it was very challenging. We had to balance going to two families and... Even the turn-taking idea was just not so received well. And every family holiday meal gathering was like ah a bit of a battle. And I felt a lot of pressure.
00:04:56
Speaker
And i wish I had all the gumption then that I eventually grew into. but I will say that when we were together with family for meals, my kids just loved being with their cousins.
00:05:09
Speaker
And my daughter, as an adult now with her own children, speaks about the best times ever being with her cousins. So I think about that as being such a wonderful outcome, just so that cousins could get to know one another. The meal itself, we would all take turns preparing something bringing something and, you know, cleanup maybe wasn't so well contributative by others, but um it would all happen But for Thanksgiving itself, we grew up not knowing of what was happening just down the road as far as First Nations or Indigenous families and children. So as I became more aware of that, I want to honor just knowing and being able to not perpetuate anything and seeing that what I'm thankful for is not disrespectful to any other human being, I guess is how I would say it.
00:06:03
Speaker
And so we speak mostly about the gratitude that we have. So what we're grateful for, like for a Thanksgiving meal, we could maybe rename it to gratitude time.
00:06:15
Speaker
And so that's something that is important in our family. The other thing is, is that some people like to not acknowledge or not get together with family. They will deliberately go away from a family gathering at that time because the relationships maybe make it kind of like that energy that you get before you get a shock because you've been touching plastic or creating that friction. And have you ever experienced that occasion in your lives where it has been maybe the best to avoid a gathering?
00:06:49
Speaker
how How did you go about doing that? I definitely can relate to that because of the neurodivergence in our household. So there were times when my kiddos were younger where I would avoid large family gatherings, not just going to my mom and my stepdad's house for dinner or anything.
00:07:07
Speaker
Their acceptance and understanding has always just been giant and welcome, especially So it was never an issue there, but for larger family gatherings, the crowds of people could be very challenging for my kiddos.
00:07:19
Speaker
So we would, i would be busy, quote unquote, or I would make sure at the time I had a job that had me out in the community a lot, I would ensure that I had community events booked on the days that there was a family gathering so that I would have an easy excuse that everybody would just accept without questioning because Well, you got to work. So that was never an issue.
00:07:41
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And so, yeah, it was tricky because i would I would miss seeing my family, but I would also know that I wouldn't have any opportunity to enjoy time with family when I was just following my kiddos around, trying to help them navigate social situations that were uncomfortable.
00:07:59
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Yeah. It's not everybody's family who's willing to acknowledge that a child may just go into the basement and hide under a desk for the duration of the time. And that was what my one son did for the longest time. And that happened at my mom and my stepdad's house. And it was understood and accepted that that was how he could participate. He might glance at you on his way through the house. He would go downstairs with his iPad. He'd sit under the desk.
00:08:23
Speaker
I would take him down a hot dog and some cucumber slices or whatever special meal my parents had provided for him because they knew that he wouldn't eat what was being provided. And eventually it got to the point where he would sit at the table with us and eat some of what we were having. So despite needing to avoid the larger gatherings, there was still the acceptance and warmth and invitation to participate with the people who were closest, I guess.
00:08:46
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Hmm. Thanks, Sam. Have you had any experience, Justin? Actually, yes. It's funny that you ask that, Sandy, because I've been navigating that over the last two or so years.
Communication Challenges in Modern Family Gatherings
00:08:57
Speaker
And so we haven't had a chance to talk about biography much here. But for the listeners, I'll identify myself as ah geriatric millennial born 83. And we millennials, as I've learned through anecdotes from social circles, but also from reading, and by reading, I mean TikTok, that...
00:09:18
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We are no strangers as a generation to communication issues, issues of unpacking you know the history of relationships and parenting that we were handed by our baby boomer parents. And that's been a reality for me. Difficulty with relationship dynamics with one or two parents.
00:09:38
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And the holidays are sort of an inflection point for that. It's where it really sort of starts to come to the surface. Is there going to be an invite? Is there any awkwardness? How are you feeling about being and sharing that space with an individual or a group of people in your family when it would have been easy to not think of that, to not be aware of those dynamics, perhaps in another time in your life or another season or another year?
00:10:04
Speaker
It's been tricky and it's been a real learning experience. And it's also been a mirror that's been beneficial to me for sort of who I want to be as a dad and a parent and as a brother and an uncle and a son.
00:10:16
Speaker
So yeah, the holidays often offer hallmarks to that learning experience. Yeah, it's a very interesting time. And often we don't think about it until we're either in the midst of the struggle or we're in the midst of that meal.
00:10:32
Speaker
And as you mentioned, Sam, it may be that one of my children is not doing according to the rest of the room, what they perceive to be appropriate.
00:10:44
Speaker
But ultimately we are respecting our children through this experience. And I think it's about how can we make this be the best within our family unit and also for the rest of the family or the friends who we may be gathering with.
00:10:59
Speaker
For me, For example, i know that I intentionally don't place that pressure on my kids that they must be with me. So I want to open up the conversation. i want to be, um you know, welcoming to whatever it is that we can work out together. And I'm not really beholden to a particular day or a particular time. And so it's really valuable for me that we can have these kinds of conversations and speak about,
00:11:30
Speaker
what may be challenging, what may be easier. And especially i find now many people have differing work schedules. So, you know, years ago when my children were young, thinking that everyone would have that day available and would be there, that's not always the situation. so we try and accommodate as much as we can.
00:11:52
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and I think, as you had mentioned, Sam, respecting our children's needs is just really essential. Yeah.
Flexibility and Respecting Children's Needs
00:11:58
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Justin, having those conversations with your kids, and when you mentioned about the costume, like the children having the preference for the family gathering or the event, maybe depending on the costumes that are being worn or, you know, all of the extra little exciting pieces. I happen to have grandkids who would wear costumes anytime. So that was always a thrill.
00:12:18
Speaker
So we just wanted to open up to the idea that it's important to have these conversations and with your family, know within yourself, See where maybe you're a little bit rigid. See maybe where you can be open to different possibilities.
00:12:33
Speaker
Be curious about what other people want to do. and I think maybe this family gathering or gathering with friends, sharing a meal in October may be ah practice session if you're wanting to change things, especially as you come up to the most challenging, most emotional time during the holiday season in December.
00:12:54
Speaker
And Justin, what else would you like to say? I just wanted to name that there's so much beauty in in what you both mentioned around offering agency and infusing that decision-making time around if to go or how to go or how to be for these family gatherings. Because I think that holidays are sort of one of the final bosses when it comes to offering that dignity to your children. Yeah.
00:13:21
Speaker
around their decision-making about being included and how to be included, just because you know there's so much investment from so many people that are important to you, typically, for these holidays. And resisting an impulse to control what your child or children are going to do when it comes to something like rushing them or brushing their teeth or what they're going to wear, you know that's something that, with a little practice, might become something easily navigated.
00:13:49
Speaker
But something like a holiday where you're carrying the expectations and pressures of your family, your uncles, your sisters, your cousins, your parents, and withstanding that and protecting, as I said, the dignity and the agency of your little ones to make those decisions about how they feel and then allow that to be a determining factor on how you move through that in your decision making.
00:14:11
Speaker
It's an incredible gift and an incredible way to honor them. I love everything you just said, Justin, and it's so true. I think frequently now that my children are older, so my youngest is not a fan of the family gathering. He loves my mom and my stepdad and my sister and his cousins, but the idea of going somewhere not at home is not terribly appealing to him most days.
00:14:34
Speaker
So now it's his choice. It's so funny. Last year, both my mom and my stepdad turned 70. So we had a big family picnic barbecue in the summertime around my mom's birthday to celebrate both of them. And I just said to him, so it's grandma and grandpa's birthday party coming up in a week.
00:14:53
Speaker
I know you're probably not really excited about the idea of going, but I know it would mean a lot to them if you did go. So I just want you to think about that and let me know where you land. And so he decided he was going to go, which was wonderful. He had a great time.
00:15:07
Speaker
And then we had a fire in the evening, which really tickled his fancy. And he got to spend some good one-on-one time with his grandpa. And that was delightful for him. This year, same conversation, different context. It wasn't a big birthday.
00:15:20
Speaker
It wasn't a big gathering. I'm like, it's grandma's birthday. I'm going to go up with some cake and we're going to have dinner. Do you want to come? Yeah. No, that's not one of the times that I typically go to grandma and grandpa's house for a meal. So I'm not going to go. And I said, okay, that's fine. But he does go like Thanksgiving. He plans to go Christmas. He plans to go Easter. He plans to go in our Christmas celebration is rarely on Christmas day. Like my parents are super flexible about that, but it just was so wonderful to see him taking that ownership and knowing that his choice was going to be respected.
00:15:54
Speaker
And And his confidence that his grandparents know that he loves them, even if he isn't going to be pushing himself out of his comfort zone every single time to go see them. Like that was really, honestly, it gives me the tingles now when I think about it, because he's such an an emotionally intelligent fellow, but his ability to articulate and his kindness in that moment was also quite telling. so Deeply feeling validated and accepted. Yeah, it gives me goosebumps too, Sam.
00:16:27
Speaker
Well, from On the Ground Parenting podcast team, we would like to offer up ideas of gratitude.
Podcast Reflections and Gratitude
00:16:35
Speaker
So what would you like to express as something that you are grateful for as we wrap up this podcast? Yeah.
00:16:41
Speaker
This might seem a little cheesy, but I'm going to say it anyways. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to do this podcast. I love hearing what my colleagues and friends have to say.
00:16:53
Speaker
i always learn and grow when we have these conversations, regardless of what the topic is. And just the chance to share some of the knowledge that my friends and colleagues have with the world at large makes me really happy.
00:17:06
Speaker
Yeah, that was cheesy, Sam, but I feel the same way, frankly. um These are the conversations that we've had during and before and after our sessions doing parent education over the last four years together.
00:17:21
Speaker
And there has been so much fruit. Bared? Bored? There was a lot of fruit. There was a lot of fruit that came from it in my relationship with my children, my partner, my coworkers,
00:17:35
Speaker
ah There's so much that I've taken away from those conversations. So it's really a cool opportunity to be able to continue them on display for others. And awesome to think that maybe somebody could take a fraction of what I've taken from these relationships and these conversations.
00:17:51
Speaker
It's a bit of a love fest happening, I think, because for you those of you who are listening, you can't see that we can see each other on the screen as we're recording and big grins and just a lot of joy.
00:18:04
Speaker
For me, it really is that I have found people who I can listen to and I get excited about the topics that we are talking about. And it's not always about parenting.
00:18:16
Speaker
These people I'm chatting with, my gosh, if only you knew the rest of the stuff that they're involved in. And I'm grateful for the opportunity to speak about the delightful things about my kids and my grandkids and just how it influences the rest of my life. So I'm grateful for my colleagues and the time that they give me for listening and sharing stories together.
00:18:41
Speaker
We will see you speak with you, share stories with you and another podcast.
Listener Engagement and Support Call
00:18:48
Speaker
And just remember, we would love to hear from you. So below you'll see the link tree link and you can share with us what challenges arise up for you when you're coming up to a family meal, family gathering, those seasonal occasions.
00:19:04
Speaker
And also we want to inspire you. What plan are you going to put in place? Have you had a challenge? How are you going to deal with it this next time? See you again.
00:19:31
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus Parent Education Program. If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our host, visit the Central Hub at linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:19:48
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. To learn more, visit redjuicestudio.com forward slash nonprofits. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next Wednesday on On the Ground Parenting.
00:20:06
Speaker
Sandy always wants the beanstalk.