Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
Holiday Pressure Cooker: Rest, Practical Gifts, and Releasing the Laws of Tradition
36 Plays1 month ago
Welcome to Episode 18 of On the Ground Parenting! Hosts Sandy, Sam, and Kelly kick off the holiday season discussion by tackling the mounting pressure and commercialism surrounding Christmas and other seasonal celebrations.
The hosts explore where holiday pressure comes from: often self-imposed or rooted in a parent's own childhood experience. and offer strategies for letting go of traditions that don't serve the family. Sam shares the shift in her neurodivergent family to focusing on rest and giving practical gifts, like her son's thrilling new electric toothbrush and water flosser, which are now a running joke. Kelly introduces her family's tradition of celebrating the Winter Solstice with a simple meal and candlelight, a tradition her adult children prioritize over Christmas gifts.
The conversation centers on reducing parental anxiety by establishing new, meaningful traditions and sharing the workload. The key is to be flexible and adaptable, asking: "Is it rest that we need right now?" and involving children (even teenagers) in deciding what elements of the holiday are important and who is responsible for which tasks.
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction and Listener Support
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Halloween Worries: Costumes and Candy
00:00:34
Speaker
Hello everyone and welcome back to On the Ground Parenting. My name is Sandy and I'm thrilled to be joined with Sam and Kelly. We are parent ed staff from Muskoka Family Focus.
00:00:46
Speaker
That lovely little house logo coming from our house to your house. We are parents. We're grandparents. We're parents. and we offer parent education. And this podcast is our way of reaching everyone in the 21st century.
00:01:01
Speaker
Sam and Kelly and I get together with our colleagues and we talk about parenting topics. And recently we've been talking about, well, in our area, actually, we're close to Halloween and people are expressing concern about parenting.
00:01:18
Speaker
You know, the costumes, the expense and the expense of handing out candies and trick-or-treating. And everyone wants to participate. Everyone wants to do it. Or those who want to are interested in doing it.
00:01:30
Speaker
And it caused us to think about beyond that. You know, we'll all pause for Remembrance Day and give acknowledgement there. And then we know that things start to ramp up.
Christmas Tradition Pressures: Reducing Expectations
00:01:42
Speaker
In my community, the way I was raised, ah we celebrated Christmas. And there may be a lot of different ways of celebrating during the season. Different people may have different traditions.
00:01:53
Speaker
But Sam and Kelly and I were talking about what it means to get ready for Christmas. And i thought I'd open up and I'd invite Kelly or Sam to just share what pressure do you feel within your own family, if any at all, and what do you do about that?
00:02:11
Speaker
I think for me, it's pressure that I tend to sometimes put on myself. I've let go of a lot of traditions that didn't serve us or things that I thought were expectations that didn't serve us over the years.
00:02:22
Speaker
um It was not necessarily an easy task to try to come up with a way of celebrating the holidays that worked well within my neurodivergent family. So there were certain things that we just didn't do anymore.
00:02:35
Speaker
And there were certain things that I had to let go of. And one of them is buying a lot of gifts. Like the kids don't need a lot of things for one thing. And it doesn't need it to set expectations that were reasonable. And I think I tried to occasionally as they were growing up overcompensate because i I probably felt badly that they didn't have as many friends as it would appear that their peers had and things like
Practical Gift Ideas for Christmas
00:02:58
Speaker
that. So I was trying to ensure that they had things to keep them occupied and entertained and Yeah, so I think that that was a ah fairly big shift for me. And now Christmas gifts and it's kind of a joke with my family because we're more practical. So now the big joke with my kids is as we're approaching the Christmas season, if they ask for toothpaste or something like that, I just kind of smirk and say, well, it's going to have to be part of your Christmas. Yeah.
00:03:27
Speaker
Which is hilarious for us because they always got those sorts of items in their stocking and they still continue to get those sorts of items in their stocking. But with my youngest, it's turned out to be one of his most delightful things because he has a very particular oral hygiene routine.
00:03:41
Speaker
And last year for Christmas, he got a new electric toothbrush and he was thrilled. And the year before that, he got a um water flosser, which was also thrilling for him. he's It's just, it's hilarious that now those kind of practical things that go along with those items are the joke gifts in our house.
00:04:00
Speaker
Anything from that, that you can relate with Kelly or what what's been ah the way that you have dealt with it within your household? Yeah. So a couple of things. I loved that word practical that Sam used and it made me think about conversations I've had with people about where do they file that new bike helmet or that new skating helmet?
00:04:24
Speaker
Is that something kids are given in November because that's part of a sport they might be participating in? Or is that something that's wrapped under the Christmas tree? And I've just noticed a fair bit of difference with different families, but For us, we try to keep our presence fairly to a minimum. I love the poem that sometimes goes around or the little rhyme, um something they want, something they need, something to do, something to read.
00:04:50
Speaker
And so our kids always get a book. We try to get them something that they've been looking for. But when our kids were young, most of that time, we had very little money. So one year I made things for them and wrote a note that went by the Christmas tree about how I was ah helped or or asked to help a certain fellow with his Christmas present giving. And that's why they might recognize some of the fabric and and really just kept it to a minimum high play value.
00:05:22
Speaker
I can remember one year the girl's favorite present was a set of those Russian dolls from Lee Valley. i think they were $9 and they were the most played with thing, even though sometimes grandparents really wanted to get more wow.
00:05:38
Speaker
But this was the thing that had the wow. <unk> When my children were young, we still had the Sears catalog. Yeah. And so that was sort of the inundation of commercial enticement for for children, as well as on the television, and we had very limited television.
00:05:57
Speaker
channels at that time. But you could just see how they the the pressure was mounting and and children would be one day clamoring for one thing and the next day clamoring for another thing.
00:06:09
Speaker
And for me, I personally am overwhelmed and i I feel for my kids with their kids. So my grandkids who who are exposed to so much more commercial indoctrination, I guess I could say. And there's a lot of pressure. And I really feel for families that it seems to be pretty relentless.
Rest and Quality Time Over Presents
00:06:29
Speaker
So I didn't have that much pressure. There was pressure, but ah certainly not what families are exposed to today. and we did that too. So they, you know, Kelly, that whole notion of, yeah, like a book or something that you need and something that you want. And it was Pretty small. I think then at that time too, it was more common that we all didn't have a lot of money.
00:06:52
Speaker
we We didn't spend a lot of money on on something like Christmas presents. and And I remember writing out adventures. And so my kids would unwrap one thing and then that would lead them to something else.
00:07:06
Speaker
and it would lead them to something else. And it was maybe even just adventures that we would go on, but it was an adventure even just for them to unwrap. So I think about the pressure on families right now. And and comparatively, for me, i I didn't have what parents are exposed to, what they're struggling with right now.
00:07:25
Speaker
um This time of year is known as the gift-giving time of year. And we touch base on what some children may want that are items that are very practical, like Samsung getting all the oral hygiene products and being thrilled to bits with that. And I guess maybe what we were sort of diving under the surface was what's the purpose of just the holiday time together? Is it really about all of the presents? And a lot of people say, oh, it's not about the presents, not about the presents. But then what happens is it's all about the presents.
00:07:56
Speaker
Are there any ways that you in your family, you sort of get away from that so that the emphasis or the focus isn't on what children are getting from a present perspective.
00:08:08
Speaker
We focus a lot in my house and it could just be that I'm a tired mom, but we focus on rest during that time, honestly, because typically I do have a bit of time off around Christmas, which is wonderful because by the time you get to December, I'm pretty tired. Like it's been quite ah an arduous fall generally with work being busy and children being busy and all the school planning meetings for IEP season and that sort of thing.
00:08:34
Speaker
So it's really, we do a lot of restful things and some baking and just some time together. And i will say, I always feel a bit odd answering these questions just because I know that my house is very far from what might be typical, right? So some days I hardly see my children.
00:08:52
Speaker
because they're just doing their own thing. And other days, they're in and out of my room or finding me in the kitchen every five minutes, it seems like. So it really is just about the
Winter Solstice: Family Time Without Gifts
00:09:02
Speaker
flow. And we try to ensure that we have time to visit people who are important to us during that time.
00:09:07
Speaker
And aside from that, it's just a break from our regular routine. I love that. And your idea around rest, Sam, really resonated for me. When my kids were little, there was things going on with different families, in-laws, parents of in-laws, all the stuff sort of fighting over who owned Christmas and what Where were we going to have the big meal and where were we going to have the presents? And, you know, we started a tradition in our house of celebrating the winter solstice. And by celebrating in our house, we mean as the sun goes down on the evening of the winter solstice, we try to live by candlelight.
00:09:46
Speaker
We usually have some kind of simple meal, whether it's a lasagna or a potted chili. And the only rules are that we're just together. And some winter solstices we've napped all on the couch somewhere in the living room because we're exhausted and it just brings home how tired we are.
00:10:04
Speaker
Some winter solstice we've played games by candlelight or low flashlight when our kids were really little. Candles aren't necessarily a great idea, but just that dim, cozy, golden light. And my kids are now 25, 25 and 21, and they will give up Christmas or coming home for Christmas before they give up coming home for winter solstice.
00:10:29
Speaker
To them, that's a time to connect and be together. And I think it's really interesting that they've never gotten winter solstice presents. One year I gave them a journal, and that's a story for another podcast. But other than that, it's not a present season.
00:10:43
Speaker
It's interesting, you know, when reflecting on that, the fact that it's not about the gifts, it's about that shared time together.
Managing Parental Expectations During Holidays
00:10:51
Speaker
And I think there's so much...
00:10:53
Speaker
Not to you know say to the parents, like, it's all up to you. But for me, really, as a parent, it is about recognizing, what am I getting ramped up over? Like, is it necessary that I have my house decorated?
00:11:07
Speaker
I remember when I was a kid, my mom had all these things hanging in. it was I liked it as a kid, but I'm telling you as an adult, as a parent myself, I couldn't pull that all together.
00:11:18
Speaker
I couldn't do it. And so my emphasis went on to other things. I wasn't able to let go of it as quickly as I just shared that with you. um I struggle with that, I'll tell you, for a while.
00:11:30
Speaker
And so i I think those traditions that you're talking about and recognizing, is it rest that we need right now? And checking in with myself, checking in with my kids. And again, also knowing the ages of kids as well. If you happen to have infants or toddlers,
00:11:47
Speaker
everything's going around whatever schedule they're on because the last thing you want to do is interrupt their napping or their routine because it makes for a very unpleasant time.
00:11:59
Speaker
And teenagers, you may never never see them. um Or you just have to adjust things to make it so that maybe they're in control of directing the activity or something. But finding out what really has meaning for the family. And and I think that's what we're talking about, you know, sort of getting underneath the purpose of the holiday.
00:12:20
Speaker
And is it games? Do you like to play games? Well, maybe... put someone in charge of a different game, a different activity, so that not all the pressure is again on the parents.
00:12:30
Speaker
I'd love to circle back for a second to the idea of decorating because I always felt like, okay, the getting the tree has to be a big deal. So we would like go to a Christmas tree farm and we would do this and we would do that.
00:12:43
Speaker
Well, then one Christmas, Christmas vacation started really close to Christmas. Like it was really hot on the heels and we had not had an opportunity to go get a tree And then all of a sudden, my youngest is sick.
00:12:58
Speaker
And he's too young to leave at home by himself, or even with his brother for me to run out and get a tree. So I'm worrying and worrying. And it's, you know, the 23rd, and we don't have a tree yet.
00:13:09
Speaker
And it was an ongoing joke that every year we get a little later and a little later. And then So we have no tree. There's no tree in the house. I don't have a fake tree. There's nothing. My stepdad, love that man so much, drove from his home to drop off a tree for us to put up. So we go to take it out of the box and we realize that he brought the wrong box and it was the tree that he used outside the previous year. So it was very rusty and the stand wasn't actually the stand for the tree. And I didn't have a tree stand And John, my oldest, he's like, I'm certain that on this property, we have a tree that we can use for Christmas.
00:13:46
Speaker
And I said, I'm certain that we don't because we have all deciduous trees on this property, no coniferous trees at all. And he said, I'll make you a deal. I'm like, oh, I can't wait to hear this deal. And I was...
00:13:57
Speaker
so frustrated at that point that I just really had to give it a second. And he said, if I can find a tree before you can find a way to put that rusty one up, we're going to use the tree that I pick.
00:14:09
Speaker
So he goes running around the whole property and he lands on, we have these cedar trees at the front of our house and they were small when we moved in. And he's like, the cedar trees!
00:14:21
Speaker
like But those were planted purposefully. And he said, but mom, they weren't planted purposefully by you. Are you really attached to having these cedar trees right where they are? said, you know what? I'm not.
00:14:32
Speaker
So he wanted to cut down the cedar tree, but we'd already had snow and all of our camping gear, including our folding saw, was packed snugly away in our tent trailer, which I then would have had to shovel off.
00:14:43
Speaker
So we came up against another hurdle. So then he... got the dog's shedding blade out of the bin of dog grooming tools.
00:14:54
Speaker
And we went out there and we cut that tree down with that shedding blade. And do you know that was our favorite Christmas tree ever? It was leaning off to the side in a curve because it had no strength.
00:15:04
Speaker
And it just was this ridiculous situation. But we loved it so much. That still remains my favorite Christmas tree because it was Just an exercise and everybody coming together.
00:15:15
Speaker
And Ryan got up long enough to help us decorate it. And he attached our squirrel tree topper, which is a story for another time, and took a picture and then went right back to bed again. Like that kid was not feeling well.
00:15:28
Speaker
So anyways, that's my story about decorating. And now I don't feel the same pressure. We just, I mean, we have a fake tree now because it just is easier and whatever. But it was it was a wonderful lesson and a wonderful memory. Thanks, Sam. Anything like that happen with you, Kelly?
00:15:44
Speaker
I know you've moved the emphasis for you is on solstice celebration, but anything about letting go of traditions that you had been given to you that you had been exposed to decorating or trees or...
00:15:56
Speaker
Anything like that?
Adapting to Traditional Expectations
00:15:57
Speaker
For sure. i think I feel so much pressure. My mother-in-law does a beautiful house. Like in another world, she would have been the local Martha Stewart. She's just not that self-promotional at all.
00:16:11
Speaker
And she's never judgmental. She's nothing but kind to me. I have nothing but good things to say. But her house always looks like a storybook. And I always dream of my house looking like a storybook.
00:16:24
Speaker
And so far, I've just been sleeping through that because it's not happened yet. So I think I've just... I think I wanted it all. I think I wanted to make all the cookies.
00:16:35
Speaker
I think I wanted to make the beautiful dinner. i think I wanted breakfast to be special and lunch to be special and dinner to be meaningful. And for us to have things to do that weren't opening presents. Like I think I had all of that stuff.
00:16:47
Speaker
And slowly, we've set more boundaries. We've set some limits. We've thought a little bit about what do we want to do for Christmas dinner even. And a couple years ago, don't tell my mom. I don't think she listens to this. So it'll be fine.
00:16:59
Speaker
We cooked the turkey the night before. cut it all up and we had everybody for turkey dinner but we cooked the turkey a whole day before and I know my parents would have been horrified to know that and I said to my kids do not tell them they like hot food that's freshly made that's wonderful It's amazing, isn't it? All of these, yeah, the traditions, but the rules that come with the traditions, right? It's, yeah, there are laws.
Sharing Holiday Responsibilities
00:17:28
Speaker
Yeah, I think sometimes that's a mission is to undo these laws and and free us from ah these restraints. Well, I think this podcast is all about starting the conversation.
00:17:42
Speaker
And, you know, from your perspective on the ground as a parent, and Sam, I know you're grandparent too, what would you offer up to another family about an approach that you stumbled on, that you realized later on, that you might like to give to them earlier on with wisdom?
00:18:01
Speaker
Probably for me, I would look at things, if they're causing me to have anxiety, I would assess their value in our life. If there's something that I'm doing or I feel needs to be done around the holidays that causes me to feel anxious or stressed out,
00:18:18
Speaker
Then I really need to look at that and see, is that something that we need to continue doing? Is there some way that I can change how we're doing this so that it is a more enjoyable situation for all of us?
00:18:29
Speaker
Because the bottom line is, is that if I'm stressed out, I'm probably not the nicest mom or grandma. that I maybe would like to be. And that's not fair to anyone, including myself. So there certainly are things that I've let go of.
00:18:42
Speaker
And it has been very freeing, which is wonderful. So I don't kill myself baking a bunch of things before Christmas. If we bake something, we bake something. If I need to put something together quickly, I have a couple of recipes that are really easy and fast that I can just throw together and we can go to whatever function we might need to go to.
00:19:00
Speaker
And generally, i try to keep my expectations of other people reasonable so that hopefully in turn, their expectations of me will also be reasonable. I love that, Sam. Like, just, you know, scale back a little bit on all of this have-tos.
00:19:15
Speaker
And in our house, I think I've thought lots about not doing it all myself. Like, there's a simplicity piece, but even when my kids were sort of medium age in that 10-year-old range, we started to talk to them about what elements of Christmas or whatever holiday you celebrate are important to them and who's going to do what job. So sometimes my kids do all the baking and this year I'm going to be away for most of December. And we were talking about Christmas and Lillian's like, mom, you never decorate anymore. i always decorate. So big deal that you're not home.
00:19:49
Speaker
It'll be done when you get home. What's different this year. So you'll be in Labrador, you know, different postal code, but the event won't change. And I do like that idea that we're a family. We work together as a team. So if you want special cookies, who's going to make the special cookies?
00:20:04
Speaker
If you want a table that looks beautiful, which I really do love, then maybe that's the piece I can take on. And often it's actually my husband who cooks the turkey dinner. So just sharing the load. And I think when everybody contributes, they feel more ownership and more pride in how this holiday
Flexibility and Communication in Holiday Planning
00:20:22
Speaker
went. And then there's our tradition is just to share the work.
00:20:26
Speaker
For me, I know I've shared before the expectations of parents that, you know, we were, I was owned and that I had a responsibility to be with them at their home for family Christmas.
00:20:40
Speaker
So that has really influenced me. So I think the conversation about how do we want to spend our Christmas? So do we want to pack up our kids and drive somewhere to be with other people?
00:20:53
Speaker
Does it have to happen that day? And also, how can I be flexible and adaptable? like i can remember when my son said, to me, hey, mom, we we're wondering about Christmas happening at our house, then we wouldn't have to pack everything up for my grandson, Emerson, and I was very amenable to that. I thought that was a great, I thought it was great that they came forward and they proposed that, that they offered their home. And so that's what we do. um Every time we just keep checking in to find out, is it going to work at this location or is it going to work at another location? And so just try and get together and as well consider that there are other families.
00:21:35
Speaker
My kids have partners and spouses and there are in-laws and, you know, we somehow need to work together to make it all be right. And I guess that's bringing Kelly, what you were talking about, having the conversation about what are you conjuring up in your mind?
00:21:54
Speaker
for what will be occurring. Because what I'm conjuring up in my mind, there may be a collision with what you're conjuring up and neither one of us is wrong and maybe neither one of us is right, but somehow we have to find that middle ground.
00:22:06
Speaker
So that's what I would really encourage everyone to do. So that's our beginning topic of what's coming up for the season. And we are going to continue that with our next session as well too, the next pod Before we go, we really want to thank
Closing and Call for Support
00:22:24
Speaker
everyone for listening. We want to encourage you to reach out to be a sponsor.
00:22:28
Speaker
It helps us to keep this podcast going. If you have any questions, check below. you can get the link below to ask us questions for emails, to communicate with us. It's all there ready for you.
00:22:41
Speaker
See on the next podcast.
00:22:54
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus's parent education program. It is made possible by the generous donations of listeners like you. If you'd like to make a donation, sponsor an episode, or just ask a question of one of our hosts, go to linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:23:12
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced and published by Red Juice Studios. To learn more, go to redjuicestudio.com. Thanks for listening.