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From Quicksand to Firm Ground: An Emotional Guide to Parenting
34 Plays1 month ago
This week on On the Ground Parenting, hosts Sandy, Sam, and Kelly get into the emotional challenges that arise during new beginnings like the "September New Year." The conversation begins with a discussion on how children's behavior, like a "kick the cat mood," can signal an underlying emotional struggle. The hosts then share different ways to connect, including Sandy’s bedtime chats and Kelly's use of a journal to communicate with her children. Sam also introduces the use of text messaging as a tool for "neurodiverse" families to express feelings without verbal confrontation.
They share the value of tools like an emotions wheel to develop a richer vocabulary for feelings. They also reflect on the role of parent education, mentorship, and reading parenting books, highlighting programs like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen". The hosts conclude with a reminder that parenting is an ever-evolving journey, and being "on the ground" means there will be days of slogging through the mud as well as gaining firm ground.They also reflect on the role of parent education, mentorship, and reading parenting books, highlighting programs like "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen".
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On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio.
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Transcript
Introduction and Funding
00:00:00
Speaker
Today's episode of On the Ground Parenting is made possible by the generous donations of our listeners. To learn more, look in the show notes or listen to the end of the episode.
Meet the Hosts
00:00:33
Speaker
Welcome back to On the Ground Parenting podcast offered by Muskoka Family Focus. My name is Sandy and I'm pleased to be with my colleagues, Sam and Kelly.
Navigating New Beginnings
00:00:44
Speaker
Welcome everyone. We've launched into September and we're talking about beginnings, new years, things that may upset the apple cart, things that may be a rudder for us. so what arises for you whenever we think about all of these new beginnings, or maybe it's not a new beginning, but it's a new experience that we're having.
00:01:07
Speaker
Sometimes we started off and everything was okay. And then suddenly it's not okay anymore. And I think about with my kids, when those experiences happened, and I can remember saying that one of my children, i could tell that they were not at one with their skin.
00:01:26
Speaker
And it was just a bit of a jiggity joggity time for them that they were not so settled with things that were happening within relationships at school and friends and maybe even teachers.
00:01:38
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Has that ever happened in your family,
Children's Mood Swings
00:01:40
Speaker
Kelly? As you said that, you reminded me of this mood one of my kiddos would get in. And we in our family started referring to it as the kick the cat mood. And generally, my daughter was a fairly easygoing kid.
00:01:55
Speaker
But when she got into this kick the cat mood, she couldn't contain her energy. She would wipe the whole table off with one arm. She'd stomp everywhere.
00:02:06
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And often it was happening in a period of transition. So it would happen in September, it would happen in particular times. And I used to just give her a little bit more grace and a little bit more grace.
00:02:17
Speaker
And it would get worse. And I found that if i really hugged her, looked at her, made a firm boundary with her. She often sort of melted down, kind of then told me what was going on.
00:02:31
Speaker
and then the sun would come up behind her and she would have a complete mood change. And I've learned a lot from that kiddo about how important consistency is in my own parenting. And when she's feeling out of sorts and out of control with the world, she kind of pushes right at her parents and what she wants is a real firm space, not somebody to roll over and be walked on.
00:02:58
Speaker
But it took me a while to really learn that and appreciate that about her. What a great example of being in a relationship with your child, because you're learning from them, they're learning from you. It's just that whole cycle of of being together and learning how to navigate the world as a team. One thing that I think about too During that time of, you know, the upset and sometimes it's a mystery to me.
00:03:23
Speaker
can't really figure it out because sometimes um my kids wouldn't be able to articulate it. Like, you know, you could just tell as Kelly, you mentioned that sort of that energy that you could, you could tell the shift in the energy, but they weren't able to put a word to it. They were just, yeah, like the behavior was like kick the cat. Like they were just sort of creating havoc.
00:03:45
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It was a bit chaotic and trying to figure it all out.
Heartfelt Bedtime Conversations
00:03:49
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And i I know that bedtimes, was a great time for us to sort of sink in. and And my kids, you know, right up until they left home, we would always check in They're settling in at you know, for nighttime and I would just drop by the bedroom, you know, maybe knock on the door if they were older and go in and sit on the bed. Sometimes I'd end up lying on the bed beside them and that's when I would hear about all of the woes of the world that they were experiencing that were overwhelming them.
00:04:23
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um it was like the the safety and the security of the blankets and the bed and just everything would sort of be sloughing off of them and getting down to who they really were and what was what was problematic for them.
00:04:37
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And so I think that time, if anyone can afford that time, can find that time, can make that time, to be in that space. And really, as a parent, what I needed to do was shut up.
00:04:53
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I needed to close my mouth and give them the space to be able to talk without me either solving a problem, giving feedback or, you know, criticizing or giving advice. It wasn't about that. It was just about listening.
00:05:08
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So I really think that's an important thing to offer to our kids is, Just listening. So important. And it's so, I think it's taken, i mean, i don't know about you two, but it took me a while to learn that whole, just ask what they need. Do you need?
00:05:26
Speaker
suggestions? Do you need advice? Do you need someone to listen to and pick up on their cues to figure out what it is that they need if they aren't able to articulate that? ah And it really, there are times when I could just feel the advice bubbling up inside of me and I have to slam a lid on it and just keep that under wraps because it isn't what's needed in that moment. Down the road, there's probably going to be an opportunity to slip that in there in a way that's not as offensive or triggering. But um in that very moment, I just need to be the person who listens and absorbs the venting.
00:06:00
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However, on that topic, we do have a phrase in this house, where I can say to my children, if they're feeling particularly wound up about something and I've maybe had a crummy day and I don't have the bandwidth, I'll just say, I don't have the capacity to be your receptacle for venting right
Setting Personal Boundaries
00:06:16
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now.
00:06:16
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I need some time. So is there someone else you can talk to or can you give me 10 or 15 minutes to get myself settled and then I'm happy to listen to it? So ah that's been a great tool in this in this life that we're living here.
00:06:30
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i love that dance of boundaries, like looking after yourself. looking after them at the same time and just naming what's what's really there. My youngest would come into my room and lay on my bed and we called it our therapy sessions because I would go to bed early because I was tired and had a big day and the next thing I know he'd be there and three hours later i would hear all about what's going on in his world which was lovely but sometimes ill-timed as many parents will joke about.
00:07:00
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But my other two they're not verbal like that. It takes them a long time to really articulate what they're thinking. They're unlikely to offer what's closest to their heart.
00:07:12
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And so we started maybe when they were 12, I can't remember how old they were. They might've been a bit younger, but we started a journal that they could put on my bed. They could write to me whatever they wanted.
00:07:24
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And then I would write back and put it on their pillow. And as introverted souls, that communication in some tough times really, i think, just helped us connect, helped me know what was going on.
00:07:38
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i think one time they really wanted to wear makeup. I personally don't wear makeup. And they were really worried that I would be upset with them or disappointed in them. And it's it's your body, you can wear makeup. I have some criteria for makeup in terms of like safety and, you know, chemicals in it and that kind of stuff, but you can wear it.
00:07:58
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And that lifted their whole weight off their shoulder. And I was really glad we had created this other way to connect in the evenings.
Communicating Sensitive Topics
00:08:06
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that's lovely. And now that you mentioned that, it occurs to me that we do something similar here.
00:08:12
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But um with neurodiversity often comes difficulty with fine motor skills. So rather than a journal, it's a text message here quite often. If somebody is feeling some kind of way about something and they need to express it, but are concerned they're going to get heated, they'll send me a text message to let me know what's going on, which I think is perfect because then it's just there in black and white as if they had written it down, but it's accessible to them and attainable.
00:08:39
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And it really has helped navigate some situations that could have gotten pretty unpleasant, probably, if we had just gotten into it verbally and people's emotions got heightened. So I think having that opportunity to reflect before speaking or to speak in a way that isn't verbal can be very helpful for people, all people.
00:09:00
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Young, old, everyone. who You know, I'm thinking, so as both of you have shared about the way in which to communicate like and ah an another, an alternative means.
00:09:10
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And I think about how my memory is of my sisters communicating with my mom writing on the insert from a package of pantyhose.
00:09:21
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So I can remember that. I was a little girl and I can remember seeing, you know, that there would be this exchange of notes back and forth. And it was bewildering to me at the time. But so there you go over the age, the span of years that we're looking at here. It's gone from, you know,
00:09:38
Speaker
an insert from a pantyhose to an an organized journal to a text message. So different means of writing, communicating. and And I think that, and and also we've talked about how we could have these chats on, you know, at bedtime because it tends to be a time when children are able to let go of maybe these walls that have helped them to keep it all together.
00:10:04
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But I'm also thinking about, you know, when you're getting from point A to point B, whether you're walking or you're driving. And I know that many listeners might even be involved in transportation, like subways, buses, trains.
00:10:21
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So, I know that for my family, that often would be another way when all of a sudden I would, so I'd be driving and it might be nighttime.
00:10:34
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And all of a sudden I would be hearing things that I had no idea that were going on, that my children were dealing with and, It was really great that I had to look forward and focus on my driving because it kept that safe space for my kids that I was a bit distracted, engaged in another activity, but still present.
00:10:58
Speaker
Have you experienced that as
Car Conversations
00:11:00
Speaker
well? We've had some pretty deep conversations in the van around here. and not always about upsetting things or stressful things, but sometimes just, you know, different concepts. Or i can remember distinctly one very long conversation about the universe and black holes. I don't remember the content now, but I do recall Ryan saying to me, he was telling me about what happens if you get sucked into a black hole and how you, it's called spaghettification because you just like turn into this stringy. Anyways, it was this whole,
00:11:29
Speaker
thing. and It was really, really funny. um But then other times we were recently like, this is still, we still have these great conversations in the car. There had been a very loud discussion in the house between my older son and his girlfriend. And we're in the car driving and Ryan made the observation that he sees that his older brother often behaves like his dad does when he's upset about something. And I said, that's a really good observation.
00:11:58
Speaker
And then he said something about how he doesn't understand why people can be so loud and cranky. I'm like, well, that's a valid concern.
00:12:10
Speaker
And then he said, I don't know why people don't just talk honestly about their feelings. And I said, well, talking honestly about feelings can be really tricky because there's a lot of emotion involved in it. And he said, and I don't understand also why you adults don't just tell the kids in your life how you're feeling.
00:12:28
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And I said, sometimes we really feel like we have to protect our children from our feelings so that we're not influencing them and causing them to have a bad day or um influencing how they feel about a situation.
00:12:42
Speaker
He's like, oh, think it's pretty good that you just told me that. And I don't really understand why you couldn't have told me that much sooner, because now I understand. and Like, yep, you're right. I should have told you that a long time ago. But it was just this great little moment, which I mean, Ryan conversations are usually quite entertaining, but it was a good heartfelt connection and learning moment for both of us.
00:13:04
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It's quite inspiring to hear this type of feedback. And i think about how, you know, how we can be open to that, because at one point of my life, I know I i would have been more bristly.
00:13:18
Speaker
And I think that that was my hang up. And so I'm always contemplating what would I offer to someone else to help them be able to come into that place of being able to accept what's coming without fear, without judging, without, you know, and the fear might be, Oh no, my kid's going to be this way or, oh no, I've lost my, my handle on parenting in this family. yeah,
00:13:46
Speaker
What recommendations would you have about how to help someone come into being with their children, maybe being so forthright?
00:13:57
Speaker
Like we talk about wanting that, but are we really able to be present with that? Such a good question.
Emotional Honesty with Children
00:14:06
Speaker
It is a good question. i think once you start to acknowledge that your child is a little human being,
00:14:13
Speaker
who you want to have the skills to be able to manage life, it becomes a bit easier to have those open conversations. And you're not going to talk in detail about the most challenging concepts of mental mental illness with a small child, obviously, but as your kiddos get older, um they have a greater understanding. And I think The more I've noticed here, the more open I am about how I'm feeling about things, the easier it is for other people to articulate their feelings.
00:14:41
Speaker
And it really has just taken some learning on my part to be able to do that. So the work, you have to put in the work because... um I don't know about you folks, but I certainly grew up in the, I mean, I probably had a softer upbringing than some. My mom was quite in tune with her emotions, but there was a lot of stiff upper lip that was considered ah appropriate and important in our family. So if you were upset, you didn't show anyone you were upset and you kept your anger to yourself. And now when I'm feeling angry about something, I tell my family, like, I am feeling really angry about this. So I need some time to process it. Or
00:15:18
Speaker
um Just being just the honesty. I think that really, but it it is a learning thing. It takes practice. have to practice it like other skills, right? Like you have to, if you want to be open and honest with your kids about your feelings, you have to practice being open and honest with them.
00:15:32
Speaker
And that's the work. You know, when you say that, like you have to do the work, I'm involved in some things that I'm definitely doing the work. So I'm familiar with that. But I know that years ago, I would not have known what that meant.
00:15:43
Speaker
who Anything that you want to expand on that, Sam or Kelly, for you to add into
Understanding Complex Emotions
00:15:49
Speaker
that? Like, what is doing the work mean? For me, it's internal, honest conversations, but also conscious effort. So We have an emotions wheel that sat on our fridge for a long time. I'm sure a lot of folks are probably familiar with it, but on the inside of the wheel, it shows the most basic descriptions of emotions.
00:16:07
Speaker
And then the next level is little bit more in depth about some of the variables and then so on. And that was infinitely helpful because... there would be a lot of anger, which often happens. So, oh, I see you're feeling angry. Can you tell me a bit more about that? And they could look at the emotions wheel and pick what that really was. I'm angry because I feel like somebody's rights have been violated, or I'm angry because I'm jealous that this person got to do that, or that didn't seem fair. And it just was a better, more in-depth way of them exploring their feelings.
00:16:38
Speaker
um And it was a great learning for all of us. You're reminding me of a parent that I really admire who has that wheel by her front door and that's part of their daily practice and their daily routine as the kids go to school.
00:16:50
Speaker
What you're feeling, how are you feeling right now, which is just a moment of tuning in. and I think for me, that's been the work is developing a vocabulary that's bigger than happy, sad, mad, glad.
00:17:03
Speaker
And I've really appreciated Brené Brown's work in the Atlas of the Heart of really talking about what does that word mean? Like there's a difference between envy and jealousy. There's a difference between stressed and overwhelmed.
00:17:16
Speaker
And as my language has gotten more articulate, you can kind of get to the granular things, which also help with solutions.
Parenting Resources and Learning
00:17:24
Speaker
And for me, it's also been reading a lot of parenting books.
00:17:29
Speaker
What are the pieces that resonate with my values? What are the pieces that um really helped me treat my kids with the respect that I always wanted to be treated with?
00:17:40
Speaker
And at an age appropriate level, I think I want to parent my kids the way I would want my adult friends or my partner to say to me. So if I came home crying and my partner said, go to your room until you settle out, that would be the end of our relationship.
00:17:58
Speaker
But if they said, oh, sweetie, you had a terrible day gave me a giant hug and said, do you want to talk about it? I'd keep that one. And so I'm constantly doing that reflection, that inventory, the finding mentors, the watching parents who I think have really great skills, especially in the tough times.
00:18:21
Speaker
I'm not saying great parents with great skills who have perfect kids, but parents who speak respectfully about their kids, even though they're having real challenges with their kids in the moment.
00:18:32
Speaker
Those are the folks I kind of look for as little golden lights of how I might get better at this role and this job of mine.
Promoting Parenting Education
00:18:40
Speaker
Yeah. And I think this is a really great time to just mention that we are the parent education staff at Muskoka Family Focus. We're part of the team.
00:18:50
Speaker
And a great way to practice these skills is to take a class, take a course, take a workshop, call it whatever you want. We're all learning together. So if you are interested in taking some sort of parent education, please feel free to reach out to us or check out our website.
00:19:05
Speaker
And I know it's listed in the link tree with the episode. But also, if you aren't in our area, Please, please look for your local resources and still reach out to us. Absolutely. We do online stuff all the time. So if you just I know it sounds like a shameless plug, but the reality is, were it not for being in the role of a parent educator with Muskoka Family Focus, my children would not have the parent that they have now.
00:19:32
Speaker
Yeah, thanks, Sam. I, I made a note, actually, while we were talking, you know, the emotions we all and I said parenting workshops, Muskoka family focus and, and just the fact that we have, what is it that you're interested in? We have a range of spectrum.
00:19:46
Speaker
Is it that you want to over a period of time, like over 10 weeks, you want to dive into it, you want to do the work? We've got that. Is it that you want to just sort of dip your toe in or explore one session?
00:20:00
Speaker
We've got that. So definitely follow through and make an inquiry. Yes, our workshops, we do offer an emotions wheel. And I think it is great for you to mention it, Sam, because in 1983, I think it was, that was the first time I was introduced to How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, a parenting program by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlisch.
00:20:28
Speaker
And it's still ah parenting program that I reference because the content is just so rich and it's so applicable. And so many other programs in between then and now. So I started as a participant and then I became a facilitator.
00:20:44
Speaker
And this is the work that that we're talking about. It's that opportunity to self-reflect. And so for me, in another capacity in my life, I have mentors so that I can review the practices, the teaching that I'm offering and reflect on, you know, what's happening and how I'm responding to it.
Supporting Children Emotionally
00:21:07
Speaker
So I think as we take an overview or reflect of this particular session, we're looking at the ways that we're supporting our children, and noticing the emotions that they may be having, how they're dealing with different situations and circumstances and people, how we're supporting them, the different ways that we're able to be there with them. And I just wanted to offer that there's also even that mealtime. So during mealtime,
00:21:36
Speaker
And where is mealtime for you? Is it around the table? Maybe not. Is sitting on a blanket on the floor? Maybe. is it gathered on a couch? Wherever you are together that you're sharing a meal. And I know that some people are actually eating in a vehicle because the time when people are hungry is in transport.
00:21:55
Speaker
But what conversations can you have there that would be open-ended with inquiry, with prompts to invite your children to reflect, and even games? I think that's something else that we could offer my parenting team.
00:22:10
Speaker
It would be the inquiry, the prompts for, you know, games, for games night, mealtime, and let's do it. So as we wrap up from on the ground, what rose up for you from this session?
Impact of Parent Education
00:22:26
Speaker
Kelly? I think this conversation about parent ed in particular is a full circle moment. I took my very first parent ed course with two little kids and knowing that I needed a lot more skills. And that too was how to talk so kids will listen. And And so so you're just getting my brain going back in this whole flashback.
00:22:47
Speaker
What's really interesting too for me is I've heard that book now referred to in not only parenting circles, but also leadership and business circles.
00:22:58
Speaker
And I feel like being a parent ed mentor or a parent ed coach, facilitator, it's a full circle of having taken the course and now teaching the course. But there's also this leadership piece. And I was once at a very important meeting where there's very serious things going on.
00:23:15
Speaker
And the person um chairing the meeting, there was a lot of emotion directed at that person. And the next week or the next time we met, that person had brought in um a lawyer to answer all those questions. And I was like, there we go, back to parenting.
00:23:31
Speaker
that's chapter four and how to talk so kids will listen you don't need to know all the answers you can get the experts so join us for parent ed we're not the experts but we do love to have these conversations that's what's sort of circling around for me which isn't three or two or one but that's where i'm at
00:23:50
Speaker
um i think what rises up for me is just the the knowledge and acknowledgement that we're all still always learning. We're always learning. And some days we have better days than others. And I am by far not a perfect parent. There is no such thing as a perfect parent. But I do know that I am a more comfortable parent now than I was when I first started out because I didn't know what I was doing back then.
00:24:13
Speaker
I often tell my older children, i'm really sorry, but Ryan got the best of me. It's He gets the very best parent because I've had the most time to accumulate the skills for him. So sorry about your luck.
Ongoing Parenting Journey
00:24:27
Speaker
I did the best I could. I hope you can appreciate that I put in a lot of effort, um which is I think also just being able to acknowledge that is really a a good thing. And it's been I mean, we laugh about it, but I think they also see the reality of that. So.
00:24:40
Speaker
Yeah, I think my kids would say my grandkids, their kids get the best parent, pseudo parent. Yes, um practice makes perfect, um but never still achieving perfection, that's for sure, because it's an ever evolving beast being a human being.
00:24:57
Speaker
And I think that's what I would reflect on is that This podcast is called On the Ground Parenting and we're ah in the trenches as parents ourselves and we're dealing with the day-to-day stuff and there are some days when it's like the ground is firm and we're feeling like we're gaining lots of ground and there are other days I feel like I'm slogging through the mud and I'm wondering if I'm ever going to make it out um or it's like quicksand or something.
00:25:24
Speaker
So carry on everyone. Thanks for joining us the ground parenting. We'll see you next week.
00:25:50
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is a production of Muskoka Family Focus Parent Education Program. If you enjoyed this episode and want to sponsor or support the show, or even ask a question of our hosts, visit the Central Hub at linktr.ee forward slash on the ground parenting.
00:26:06
Speaker
On the Ground Parenting is produced, engineered, and published by Red Juice Studio. To learn more, visit redjuicestudio.com forward slash nonprofits. Thank you for listening, and we'll see you next Wednesday On the Ground Parenting.