Become a Creator today!Start creating today - Share your story with the world!
Start for free
00:00:00
00:00:01
20. The One About Difficult Conversations With Our Kids
10 Plays1 day ago
In this heartfelt episode, Victoria shares her family’s experience of saying goodbye to their 15½-year-old golden retriever, Bella, and the important lessons it brought about navigating tough conversations with children. From loss and grief to puberty, consent, and body safety - she explores how to approach sensitive topics with honesty, calm, and compassion.
Victoria also shares some of her favourite parenting and mindfulness resources to help guide children through big emotions, curiosity, and growing up with confidence.
In This Episode:
- Supporting children through grief and loss
- Talking honestly (and gently) about death and big emotions
- Age-appropriate ways to discuss puberty, consent, and body awareness
- Encouraging empathy, kindness, and respect between boys and girls
- Why using correct body terminology matters
- Helpful resources to guide tricky conversations
- How mindfulness books can support mental health and emotional resilience
Resources Mentioned:
Grief & Loss: The Invisible Leash and The Invisible String by Patrice Karst; Because My Dog Is in Heaven
Puberty & Growing Up: A Girl’s Guide to Puberty, A Boy’s Guide to Puberty, and Where Do Babies Come From? by Michelle Mitchell
Body Safety & Consent: No Means No! and Body Safety series by Jayneen Sanders; Safe4Kids
Mindfulness & Emotions: Hey Warrior, Hey Awesome, and Dear You, Love From Your Brain by Karen Young Instagram educator and ex-police officer Kristi McVee
Connect With Victoria
💌 Email: hello@victoria-r.com.au
📸 Instagram: @the.victoria.r
🌐 Website: www.victoria-r.com.au
✨ Victoria is also offering a limited number of discounted 1:1 coaching sessions before Christmas - reach out to learn more!
Recommended
Transcript
Starting School Holidays
00:00:37
Victoria R
Hello everyone, welcome back to the Mindful Educator podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. so we have got school holidays about to start here, which I'm actually, I love school holidays, I'm really looking forward to it. it'd be nice just to slow down a little bit, not have to rush out of the house in the mornings.
00:00:57
Victoria R
I just can't believe it's the end of another term already. Don't know where that's gone. ah so yes, whatever you guys are doing, because while you're listening to this, it will be in the middle of school holidays in WA. So I hope that whatever you're doing and wherever you are with your children, you're having an amazing time.
00:01:12
Victoria R
If you're a teacher, enjoy the time off. um if you If your um your children are older or you don't um have children of your own yet, Just patience during this time as well because there are a lot of people around.
Navigating Difficult Conversations with Kids
00:01:27
Victoria R
ah So today i just wanted to have a little bit of a chat about having those difficult conversations with our children and just also some resources that we might be able to use. so oh hopefully I can get through this without crying. So we um we've had to recently say goodbye to our 15-and-a-half-year-old beautiful golden retriever.
00:01:50
Victoria R
um which has been very difficult for all of us um this past week. But it just kind of got me thinking because it it's one of those things where it is such a tricky conversation to have with our children um amongst some other conversations that we do have to have and things that we need to talk to them about. So just kind of wanted to touch on that a little bit and just share some of the stuff that we have decided to use in terms of resources and books and also how we've approached these conversations. Now, I'm not saying that the way we've done it is the way to do it. It's just what's worked well for us.
00:02:25
Victoria R
um So in terms of um saying goodbye to our girl, sorry, try not to get too emotional here as I talk about it.
Dealing with Pet Loss as a Family
00:02:34
Victoria R
um We had to make the decision to say goodbye to her. So it was a case of we we knew it was coming. um You know, the fact that as a retriever, you know, I think their normal lifespan or expectancy is kind of 10 to 12 So We've had an extra three and a half years with her, which we were so grateful to have.
00:02:54
Victoria R
And there were a few times there where we thought we might have to make the call a bit earlier. She had kind of a few funny little turns and whatnot, but thankfully she pulled through those. And it was just a case of her body wasn't really able to to go on much more. We could see that she was kind of deteriorating lot quicker than what we'd hoped.
00:03:15
Victoria R
um But we'd actually started speaking to the kids about this a long time beforehand because we knew that this day would come. So it was a case of letting them know that, you know, we we won't have Bella for much longer. We've got to kind of make the most of this time that we do have with her, you know, explaining that, you know, we we will have to say goodbye to her and what that will involve.
00:03:37
Victoria R
And um once my husband and I made the made the call literally like a few weeks ago where it was a case of, okay, we do need to let the kids know that this is what's going to happen. And um probably one of the hardest things we've had to do is the this whole process. It's been quite challenging for all of us. sorry it was a case of letting the kids know and and obviously very different responses based on the children, the child that we told, which is understandable as well because, you know,
00:04:11
Victoria R
we've all got our own ways of coping with things, of taking things in Also, ah age is a big thing as well, knowing that, you know, obviously we've got um three different children at three different ages. So kind of explaining that. And then it was also explaining what was actually going to happen as well.
00:04:30
Victoria R
And this is where the vets were amazing on the actual day too. They helped explain everything um to us as well. But it was a case of Giving them that choice too, as to whether whether they wanted to come in and be with Bella right until the end or whether they wanted to say their goodbyes and wait in the waiting room, like there was no pressure on them whatsoever.
00:04:52
Victoria R
And we said to them, it's okay, whatever you decide is completely okay. um Just see how you're feeling on the day and do what you feel is right for you.
Family Decision-Making in Tough Times
00:05:01
Victoria R
And they were also amazing. but They really were like, I just, yeah, hats off to the way that they handled themselves. Um,
00:05:09
Victoria R
during that. And since then, obviously things have been a little bit emotional too. her There's been lots of tears and lots of cuddles and lots of talking about her and and remembering her and kind of recognising what a big role that she has played in our lives.
00:05:23
Victoria R
And I think it's good that we have these conversations with our children though, that we help prepare them for these things because sometimes if we know something's coming, we build it up more in our minds than what it has to be. Whereas if we just have a simple conversation about it,
00:05:38
Victoria R
And just say, you know, this this is what will happen. Like these are the steps that will, is going to occur. And it kind of helps them understand it a little bit better, helps their, um their bodies kind of, um you know, accept what's going to be. And instead of them building up to be bigger than Ben-Hur, they're like, oh, okay this is what's going to happen next and this and this this. And, you know, we, um,
00:06:01
Victoria R
we pulled them out of school a bit earlier on the day. So we all went down to the beach together, which was lovely. And, you know, she had a final swim, all the rest of it. So it was all really um just what we needed for our family, which worked really well. And, you know, if you're having to go through something like that, understanding that you do what's right for what your family is needing at the time.
00:06:21
Victoria R
And also, like I said, ah a big thing is to do with the age of the kids too. So It was um what we felt was right at the time and that was a decision my husband and I, we made together and we we worked with what we thought was going to to work for them too.
00:06:36
Victoria R
and it was just, it was good for us as well because it also helped us work through the process of what was going to happen, um you know, and explaining, you know, this is this is when we have to be there, this is what, you know, all the steps that were involved and,
00:06:52
Victoria R
um you know, not babying them about it. Like they actually, kids are really resilient in that regard. They actually can handle things a lot better than what
Introducing Puberty and Sex Education
00:07:01
Victoria R
we give them credit for. And I think this is where we we need to make sure that we are giving them that opportunity um to be able to do these things and make up their own mind about stuff as well.
00:07:10
Victoria R
So that has been one of the things that one of the really, probably one of the hardest conversations we've had to have ah um in a while. so it was,
00:07:22
Victoria R
Like I said, it's a real credit to them with how they've um responded to that as well. and you know, letting them see the fact that, yeah, we have been really upset about this, you know, mum and dad have been crying and that's okay. Like, you know, we're, we're okay to feel those emotions and it's okay for us to cry because we do love her this much and we are going to miss her this much and, you know, letting them um be a part of that as well. So lots of family cuddles with all of us bawling our eyes out, but it's actually, it's been really nice and just being able to support each other that way as well.
00:07:55
Victoria R
And, I know another conversation that has come up recently in our house is the whole, um you know, understanding about babies and where they come from and all the rest of it. And we've we've always spoken about puberty. Like i've always been very open with things that have happened in regards to puberty and with menstrual cycles and all the rest of it.
00:08:15
Victoria R
And some of the great resources that my sister actually got me onto are by Michelle Mitchell. And she does um a puberty book for girls and one for boys as well. And they're really great in how she explains everything.
00:08:28
Victoria R
And it's at a level that's kind of not going too far ahead where, you know, like, oh that seems a bit inappropriate, which I i have come across some resources where i'm like, oh, that's a bit too far.
00:08:39
Victoria R
um Whereas these ones have actually been really kind of spot on for the kids and the age that they need. And the recent one that I've actually brought is the Where Do Babies Come From book because we're kind of heading into that next level of conversation and explaining where where things come from and they're getting curious as to, you know, their own birth stories, like how did they come into the world?
00:09:01
Victoria R
um So explaining all that to them in a way that, again, isn't, isn't, you know, sugarcoating it. we're We're being honest with them because they, like I said, they can handle a lot of it.
00:09:12
Victoria R
But it is also a case of letting them know that the conversations that you have like this as a family don't necessarily leave the home as well. Like these are ones that, you know, we might have at, you know, at the dinner table at night or you know, while we're having a chat before bed or whatever it might be.
00:09:27
Victoria R
And it's not necessarily playground talk and stuff that As a family, we discuss these things and we are informing you, but some other families may not be ready to tell their children this yet. So that's where we don't won't necessarily encourage them to go out and tell everyone about these. We just try and, you know, encourage them that this is just a family conversation for us.
00:09:48
Victoria R
So we're kind of, like I said, we're we're heading up into that, um you know, the whole conversation. sex talks and all the rest of it, which we will get to when the time comes. And we already have kind of started touching on a lot of that.
00:10:00
Victoria R
um But
Teaching Respect and Kindness
00:10:01
Victoria R
puberty is definitely something that is totally covered in our house, especially as, you know, my kids are getting older. We've got two, you know, in that puberty stage at the moment.
00:10:11
Victoria R
um So it is important that they do recognise also what happens for the the opposite sex as well. So, you know, if you're a girl, what's happening with the boys as well? And if you're a boy, what's happening with the girls? And being able to...
00:10:22
Victoria R
um you know, what's the word? Just have that awareness and also have that understanding. um And one thing that we are trying to teach our children as well is that, you know, if you if you do see um a young girl struggling or whatever it might be, if it, you know, she's got a period at whatever time, help her out. Like don't make the situation worse. Be be that person, that kind person that goes and helps or, you know, offers a jumper if need to be or whatever it might be. Because, you know, I still remember when I was in high school,
00:10:52
Victoria R
And I think, yeah, one time, you know, i obviously, you know, he had a bit of an accident. when I had my period and didn't realise and I still remember one of the guys very, very nicely. Like he was, it was great. He was like, oh, Victoria, just letting you know. and i was like, oh, thank you so much. Like he didn't make a big deal of it. He didn't do it to embarrass me. He was just being really respectful in how he let me know.
00:11:11
Victoria R
And I think that in itself was a real credit to to him and his parents and his family for the way that they kind of re- um yeah, raised him in that regard. And I'm like, oh, you know, if if we can do that with our own children, that would be great. You know, that that tells me that, you know, we're raising good kids here.
00:11:29
Victoria R
So just like I said, having these conversations, having that awareness, because as much as it can be very confronting for us as parents to go, oh, no, they're too young for this. Like they're not ready for these conversations.
00:11:41
Victoria R
If ah the way I've always thought about it, do we want them to learn it from us? Or do we want them to learn it from the playground or someone and get that misinformation? Whereas at least if we know it's coming from us and we're not necessarily controlling the narrative, but we we've got a lot more control over the narrative, like we can help kind of guide them in the direction that we want them to go in.
00:12:06
Victoria R
Wouldn't you prefer that? like that That's the way I kind of like to think of it. So, That's kind of how we've approached the puberty and the sex talks and all the rest
Understanding Body Boundaries and Consent
00:12:15
Victoria R
of it. And then the other one that um we also do talk about is like your consent and your body boundaries and um that protective behaviours type thing, which obviously is a very big thing.
00:12:29
Victoria R
you know, especially when your children maybe are going, you know, to so be up with other people's care, um you know, when they get older and understand sleepovers, all the rest of it, like just being aware of what is okay and what's not okay. And if something does happen,
00:12:45
Victoria R
who they can talk to and well what their steps are that they need to take. And there are so many great resources about this as well. So i know ah I've got a lot of books. It's by Janine Sanders, not Saunders, Sanders.
00:13:00
Victoria R
And she has a lot about, you know, no means no and body boundaries and body consent and body respect. And these are really great just to have and to read. And I did actually have a few others and I think I lent them out to someone who can't remember.
00:13:14
Victoria R
I can't remember who had them, but I did have some other great resources, but I, um yeah, they've they've kind of gone AWOL at the moment, but that's okay. And these have been really good. And we've started reading these to our kids from a younger age as well, because they're never too young to know.
00:13:28
Victoria R
And a lot of the time I would suggest, especially when it does come to protective behaviors, read the books yourself beforehand, make sure that you you are comfortable with what the book is saying.
00:13:39
Victoria R
If you're not, just put it aside and you can come back to it later. But We definitely need to let our kids know. And using proper names, please use the proper names when it comes to their genitals and, you know, using bottom and all the rest of it. We need to have the correct terminology because that's so important, especially when it comes to if they don't necessarily go and tell you something, they might tell another trusted adult and that trusted adult may not know that they've got a nickname for their genitals or whatever it might be. So they might not, it it may not ring the alarm bells for them.
00:14:12
Victoria R
So this is where you do need to use that proper terminology wherever you can because it is ah kind of a key piece in making sure that there's that transparency there.
00:14:24
Victoria R
um And when it comes to protecting our children, We want to do whatever we can to make sure that they are safe. So just by making sure that we are using that correct terminology, please do it.
00:14:34
Victoria R
ah right And, you know, letting them know, like understanding with the names of their body parts, as well as the fact that they know that these are their arms and their legs. You know, I know that that that is your penis and that is your vulva and whatever it might be. Use that terminology when you're speaking to them as well.
00:14:50
Victoria R
ah not Not these nicknames. Okay, that's that's definitely my teacher side coming into play here. um It's something that, you know, is very important that we make sure our children know. um And the thing that I love, there are so many great resources out there. So um I'll try and name in the show notes. There is, I'm trying to think of what her name is. There is a lady on Instagram who I know she's the next police officer. um I will put it in the show notes, but she's a great one.
00:15:18
Victoria R
um for talking about all this as well. ah There's also, I think it's Safe for Kids is another one. I'm pretty sure she's on Facebook and I think she might be on Instagram as well.
00:15:29
Victoria R
So they've got lots of great resources um and they can also recommend some good resources too when it comes to protective behaviours. But please, please definitely make sure that you're doing this from day dot.
00:15:40
Victoria R
ah It is super important, okay? we want We want them to be able to be protected in that regard, okay?
Books and Resources for Complex Topics
00:15:48
Victoria R
ah Some other great resources in terms of other things, um ones that I love to use in my mindfulness sessions, which are awesome for understanding kind of mental health, the way our minds work.
00:16:01
Victoria R
ah Lots of books by Karen Young. So she does that Hay Warrior book, which um is quite popular, but she does have quite a few in her repertoire of books. um And so I like to refer to a lot of them.
00:16:14
Victoria R
um So she's got Hey Awesome, which is another one. what were the other ones that we have for her? I've got some here next to me. Oh, Dear You, Love From Your Brain. and so lots of things that are kind of understanding anxiety. So what anxiety actually is, what it feels like, things that we can do, understanding how our brains are working. So she's got a book that really explains so well kind of about like your habits and how new like your pathways are formed and the language that she uses is so easy to understand and it's so great for adults as well because it helps us to understand like so that we can then you know speak to our children about it too so make sure check her out because she's got lots of good ones um i'm just looking through the ones that i've got next to me at the moment i went and raided my shelves before i jumped on oh this is another one so this is this is a book that we um
00:17:12
Victoria R
or I purchased not too long ago because I knew about our puppy won't be with us for so much longer. So we've got um The Invisible Leash is a good one and we also got one because my dog was in heaven.
00:17:27
Victoria R
Try not to get upset. um So these are the first one, The Invisible Leash, is also the one that has done The Invisible String, which is a really good book as well. um That's quite a popular one.
00:17:40
Victoria R
kind of about love and yeah being connected it's really cute so patrice cast is the name for that uh and these are really sweet ones as well and these kind of are story books that yeah help tell the story about yeah one's about being loved like being separated or being away from your children or they have to go off and do something um and the visibly she's obviously about um the loss of a pet so They're really good books to refer to in regards to those things as well.
00:18:09
Victoria R
And this is what I love. Like there are actually so many great books and great resources out there which help with these types of things. ah And stories and, um you know, talking about it, all that is great for children. it really helps them learn to understand and it gives them that chance to kind of process it in their own way, whatever it is that we're discussing with them when it does, oh, my gosh, or when it does come to these trickier topics. So definitely, you know, quick Google search can usually help with a lot of this as well if you're after a particular topic.
00:18:43
Victoria R
If you can, if you're near a bookshop, actually go in and physically check the book out beforehand if you want to um If you're like me and you don't have a bookshop down the road, this is kind of when you rely on a lot of the reviews bookshops Sometimes I might give you a bit of a sample page or something that you can look at um on the web. So try and do that as well. Because some books, you know, you think they're going to be good and then they're really crap and vice versa. So this is where we want to rely on those, those that have already kind of seen it. And also recommendations. So like I said, i my sister recommended um Michelle Mitchell books to me and they've been amazing. So they've been really good for our puberty talks and our
00:19:21
Victoria R
understanding where babies come from talks. So lots and lots out there. um So if you have any other great resources that you guys know of, please let me know. I'm always open to hearing, um you know, great books or, you know, great accounts to follow or whatever it might be that help with these different topics that come up that we find a little bit like, oh, oh gosh, what do I do about this one? and so let us know. And yeah, I might even try and put look at putting a list or something together so that we can easily refer to it because it like I said, there's so many wonderful things and people are always coming up with stuff as well, which I love.
00:19:55
Victoria R
I love how creative as humans we are and how we can put that creativity is to such good use when we do these things. So that's it from me for today. um Let me know if you've got any other great resources that you think need to be shared. I will put the ones that I've got here in the show notes.
00:20:12
Victoria R
Other than that, I hope you guys are having a great week. Oh, I almost forgot.
Community Engagement and Support Offers
00:20:18
Victoria R
It is getting closer to Christmas, definitely. And next year is going to be a pretty big year for me in terms of some things that I'm creating. But before that, what I wanted to offer for those that are interested um are some reduced price one-on-one sessions just to help me kind of get clear about some things that people might need. So it's a bit of like almost, so wouldn't say market research, but it kind of helps me understand maybe some areas where people are struggling a little bit or where you might need a bit more assistance.
00:20:47
Victoria R
So if this sounds like something that you're interested in, in please let me know. um Shoot me an email or send me a DM. I'll have all my data details in the show notes as well. But if this if you would like a one-on-one just to kind of help me before Christmas um or in the lead up to Christmas, please let me know.
00:21:04
Victoria R
And I might even be putting like a sneaky little package of like three one-on-one sessions together that we can do in these workshops. the next three months before Christmas. Where's the year gone? ah So if that's something you're keen, send me message and I'll send you through the details. I'd love to um be able to help you out and also so um you'll be helping me out as well.
00:21:23
Victoria R
So yeah, that is it for today. Have an amazing rest of your week and I will be back on the mic and chatting to you next week. See ya.