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34. The One About Victim Mentality vs Radical Responsibility
14 Plays10 days ago
In this powerful solo episode, Victoria dives into a topic that has been coming up again and again in conversations lately - the difference between living from a victim mindset and stepping into radical responsibility.
This episode is not about dismissing real experiences, pain, or trauma. Instead, it’s about gently bringing awareness to the patterns that can keep us stuck and exploring how we can shift back into an empowered state where we take ownership of our responses, emotions, and choices.
Victoria shares honest reflections, personal insights, and practical mindset shifts to help you recognise where you might be giving away your power - and how to begin reclaiming it.
In This Episode, We Explore:
- What “victim mentality” really looks like (and why all of us can fall into it at times)
- The subtle signs you might notice in yourself or others:
Blame shifting
Constant complaining
Feeling powerless or helpless
Defensiveness and guilt-tripping
The “woe is me” mindset
Resistance to change - Why playing the victim can feel safe — and the hidden secondary gains behind it
- The difference between honouring your experiences and staying stuck in them
- What radical responsibility actually means and how it puts you back in the driver’s seat
- Emotional ownership and recognising that we control our responses
- Powerful mindset reframes:
Moving from “Why is this happening to me?” to “What can I learn from this?” - The role of boundaries, self-care, and self-reflection in breaking negative cycles
- How resentment and anger drain your energy — and how forgiveness can create space for growth
- Teaching children emotional responsibility, resilience, and empowered thinking through modelling and conversation
Reflection Questions:
- Where in my life might I be giving my power away?
- What lesson could be hidden within a challenging situation?
- What is one small action I can take today to move into an empowered state?
Loved This Episode?
If this conversation resonated with you, share it with someone who may need a gentle reminder that they have more power than they realise. Your support helps this message reach more women, parents, and educators navigating their own growth journeys.
Get in touch - hello@victoria-r.com.au; www.victoria-r.com.au; @the.victoria.r
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Transcript
Understanding Victim Mentality
00:00:37
Victoria R
Hello everyone, welcome to this week's episode of the Mindful Educator podcast. I'm so glad that you're here joining me. So I'm doing a few solo episodes this season, which I am actually quite enjoying and I'm really wanting to focus on kind of bringing that mindset side of things into it a little bit more. So Today, I'm going to be talking on a topic that has actually come up in conversation a lot the last few weeks. And it's quite an interesting one in that it could be something that you perhaps notice others doing, or perhaps you're noticing it in yourself as well. And so this is where I'm talking about like that victim mentality. Okay, so the person that always plays the victim. And what I mean by this is...
00:01:25
Victoria R
understanding that um there's some people that feel like everything is against them, that everything bad is happening to them all the time. um You know, things aren't changing. Why is my life like this? Why do these things keep happening?
00:01:45
Victoria R
And it's quite interesting because when you're standing on the outside and you're looking in at someone who has perhaps expressed this, It's very easy for us to see that, you know, if you just do something about it, you probably wouldn't be having half these issues.
00:02:03
Victoria R
But it's not as easy as that. And there's a reason why people kind of get stuck in these loops and stuck in these um sorts of patterns.
From Victim to Empowerment
00:02:12
Victoria R
So, You may also recognize some of this in yourself because we all have the ability to play the victim, all right, or every single one of us. And there will be times when we decide to play on this a little bit more than others.
00:02:28
Victoria R
And I just want you to know, first of all, that it's not diminishing the experiences that you have. It's not diminishing the pain or the trauma that you may have experienced or be going through, all right?
00:02:43
Victoria R
But it's trying to get you back into an empowered state. All right. It's trying to get it back so that you are in charge of what you do next instead of letting it all happen to you.
00:02:56
Victoria R
And I think this is where it's really important that we recognize that difference, that when we are playing the victim, we're just letting things happen to us in that regard. We're just letting life lead us to wherever it may lead us.
00:03:09
Victoria R
Whereas when we choose to take that radical responsibility, it puts us back in the driver's seat, right? It means that we then get to decide how we are going to manage whatever it is that has happened.
00:03:23
Victoria R
So, When I talk about like that victim and so mindset, that victim mentality, there's a few things that will probably come up and it's it's things that you may recognize, like I said, in yourself or in others.
00:03:37
Victoria R
So one of the biggest things is blaming other people for things that have happened, right? And kids are great at this. cri Kids are amazing at doing this because they don't want to get in trouble. So of course they're going to blame like their brother or their sister or, you know,
00:03:53
Victoria R
their friend down the road or whatever it might've been. But what we realize is when we keep shifting the blame, we're not then taking responsibility for our own actions. so it's important for us as adults and also to try and teach our children that shifting blame to someone else, right, isn't the way to do it. Um,
00:04:14
Victoria R
it's It's then, yeah, it's it's just shifting that problem along, isn't it?
Impact of Victim Mentality on Relationships
00:04:18
Victoria R
So that's kind of the the first sign. So if you've noticed in conversations that there's certain people you may hang out with or that you may know that are always blaming circumstances or other people or whatever it might be for things that have perhaps not gone so well in their life, all right? That's kind of like your first, hmm, okay.
00:04:40
Victoria R
I think I sense a little bit of a victim mentality going on here. So that's one of the things that may come up. Another one is the constant complaining. Okay. When they complain about everything, everything's kind of really negative. And you know, like you might avoid trying to be around these people because whenever you are around them, they just bring the vibe down, all right? Because they're always complaining about something, all right? Or when you try and offer solutions, it's, oh yes, but, and they're either blaming someone else or they're coming up with more complaints, right?
00:05:17
Victoria R
Right. Also, they will often feel quite helpless or quite powerless, um which is to be expected when you're giving your power away by blaming others and when you're constantly complaining about it. But if you yourself are noticing that you're feeling these feelings yourself, then you might go, OK, am I playing the victim a little bit here? And it can be a little bit of a a wake up call for you.
00:05:43
Victoria R
Often it's when you may get defensive or when ah guess you're you're trying to guilt trip others or maybe you're feeling guilt tripped yourself.
00:05:55
Victoria R
And I know all of us can experience these at different times and it might be your go-to. I know for me, that's my defensiveness is mine. I immediately am like, oh, I feel like I'm getting attacked when someone says something to me.
00:06:11
Victoria R
But then I'm like, oh, okay, let's take a moment and let's actually hear what it is that they've said. And it's usually those that are really close to you that will bring these things to your attention. And you probably don't want to hear it.
00:06:26
Victoria R
and But i strongly suggest you listen. and i'm I'm taking my own advice here as well. It's really important that we listen because usually there is something to it as well. All right. There's a reason that we're reacting with this anger or this defensiveness. So what is that? Why are we getting so about what has been said to us? And it's usually because there's an element of truth to it.
00:06:49
Victoria R
Another one is that whole woe is me mentality. Okay. So oh everything bad happens to me. That was so unfair. um You know, oh of course, I'm not going to get the job that I applied for. No one ever chooses me for a job. Like that sort of language and that sort of attitude is going to what's come through when you're talking about that victim mentality as well.
Challenges in Overcoming Victim Mentality
00:07:13
Victoria R
It's also a person that is not able to sit there and reflect on themselves, their actions, their words, and the impact that these have as well. Self-reflection is a wonderful, wonderful tool. And it's actually something really easy that we can teach our children as well.
00:07:30
Victoria R
And I know... um In the classroom, it's done in different ways, like reflecting on things that you have produced or done. All right. But it's also something that we as adults can do and also teach the children in our lives as well.
00:07:44
Victoria R
And another big one is that reluctance to change. All right. For a lot of people, playing the victim is safe. It is safe for them, all right? It means they don't have to change. It means everyone else around them is the problem, all right, and they can just keep on doing what they're doing. There's lots of secondary gains when people are choosing to play the victim, all right, and when they're not wanting to change, all right? And it's is very frustrating when those that perhaps have put some effort into kind of
00:08:18
Victoria R
confronting their issues and making changes and all the rest but when they're seeing people play the victim and and they're trying to communicate to them it can be very frustrating because they don't want to listen all right they don't want to hear that all right that's that's not of interest to them at all And it can be like, oh my gosh, if you just did this, your life would be so much better. All right. But they don't want to listen. And that is such a hard thing to try and come to terms with when you can see that someone is playing the victim, when you are aware of it and you're having to deal with it, yet they are not going to listen to any suggestions that you have.
00:08:59
Victoria R
And you You would know. You would know we people aren't interested. It's almost like the the lights go off. that They get that vacant look or they're like, yeah yeah yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then nothing happens, all right? They're all false promises and then nothing actually comes and They don't, that there's no changes that are made. And I always love the quote, um if nothing changes, nothing changes, right? Because it is so true. It is such a true quote. Like it it really is that if you're not willing to change anything about your life, your circumstances, what you're doing, then nothing will change.
00:09:38
Victoria R
It's just, it's not going to happen. It's not possible. So if you are wanting to change your life for the positive, then you actually need to start making some changes. All right.
Taking Radical Responsibility
00:09:51
Victoria R
when we're talking about this, what I mean is starting to take that radical responsibility for ourselves, for our own actions, for our own life. And I'm, I'm very passionate about all of us making sure that we're living the best life that we can. And it like I said, it can be very frustrating when people aren't willing to see that they're actually the problem. You know that song, hi, it's me. Hi, I'm the problem. It's me.
00:10:17
Victoria R
Good old Taylor Swift. um It's so true. you know, so many of us are in our own ways. We're the problem. We're the reason why we're not getting what we want or we're not, you know, having the jobs that we want or the money we're needing because of the the things that we are saying and we are doing and because of our approach to things as well. So this is where we kind of really need to check ourselves and we need to go, right, am I am i taking responsibility or am I playing the victim?
00:10:45
Victoria R
All right. And you need to do it like actually kind of evaluate yourself and your own responses and reactions and work out what it is that you're doing. So if you've kind of gone, oh, okay, yeah, I do a lot of those things.
00:10:58
Victoria R
ah Or you know someone that does, you can gently lead them to this episode. What do we then do? How do we then move out of that victim mentality and start taking responsibility for ourselves, for our life, for what we're doing?
00:11:14
Victoria R
And pretty much when I say radical responsibility, it's taking 100% ownership of our life, of our actions, of our emotions, of our responses. All right. Regardless of what is happening, regardless of those external circumstances, all right, regardless of whether we're at fault or not. Okay. It's taking responsibility for ourselves. Okay.
Emotional Responsibility and Growth
00:11:38
Victoria R
Okay. And so it means that we have to stop blaming others for things, right? Yes, people can say things to us. And this is something I try and teach my children. And and it's like I said, it's a hard thing for a lot of adults to get, let alone children.
00:11:53
Victoria R
If someone stands there and says something we don't like or yells at us or does something that we don't really agree with, no, we cannot control what they have done, but we can control our response to that situation.
00:12:07
Victoria R
We can choose whether we're going to turn around and hit them in the face. We can choose whether we're going to yell at them or scream at them. Or we can choose whether we're going to walk away or just say, I'm not doing this right now. i will speak to you when you're a little bit calmer. We have those choices. We have the choice on how where we're going going to respond in those situations. And like I said, this is extremely hard for adults to get. And so when we're trying to teach children whose brains are still developing, of course, this is going to be something tricky for them as well. But it's really important that we bring awareness to them that that they do have a choice in that moment, just like we do.
00:12:46
Victoria R
So when we are taking radical responsibility, it means we're taking ownership. We're taking full ownership of what we're doing, all right, what we're saying for the outcomes that are a result of our life, recognising that we're in control of our responses here, all right. No one else can control how we respond to a situation, all right. Yes, they can definitely influence the situation that we're in and they can definitely do or say things that maybe we don't agree with. But as I mentioned, how we respond is 100% our responsibility. All right, then we've also got the the emotional ownership. And this is, I'm a very emotional person. but quite like i'm I'm not gonna sugarcoat that. I am emotional person. And I know I'm a very emotional person. And it has taken me so long to realize that no one else can make me feel something. All right. It is only me that is in control of my feelings. All right. And growing up, that was very, very hard for me to go. I didn't, I didn't know that. and as an hour, I was like, oh, okay. So,
00:13:53
Victoria R
they they didn't make me feel that I that was me making me feel that that was me making that into something that then got me really upset or really angry or whatever it might be I am the one in control of my feelings and I'm not going to say that you're never going to have an emotional response because as I've said we're humans we this is all part of human nature but when we're aware of this we can kind of go oh okay, I'm not going to let them upset me or if they have upset me, I'm choosing not to let them see that or I'm going to just respond in a way where they are not aware of what they have done. All right.
00:14:31
Victoria R
And then it's also – the questions that we're asking ourselves to kind of get us in that empowered state instead of asking, oh, why is this happening to me? Why? Why? Why why is my life so crap? Why is everything so bad? Blah, blah, blah. It's going, well, what can I learn from this?
00:14:47
Victoria R
How can I grow from something that has happened that perhaps wasn't ideal? right. Is there a lesson in there for me? right. Was there something I was meant to learn from this? Was there something i was meant to take away from this?
00:14:59
Victoria R
right, because shit things are going to happen. All right, that is life. All right, we're going to have things that aren't ideal. We're going to have people say and do things that we're just like, oh my gosh, what the, it just happened. All right, but how we're choosing to respond to that is up to us. All right, so instead of asking why is this happening to me, let's start asking, okay, what can this teach me?
00:15:24
Victoria R
What am I meant to learn from this? All right, because there will be a lesson in every single thing.
Setting Boundaries and Redirecting Energy
00:15:30
Victoria R
It's also a case of how you're choosing to live as well and the boundaries that you're willing to put in place.
00:15:42
Victoria R
ah Good old boundaries. And, what did, um my sister said something the other day actually. oh I'm probably going to get it wrong. What did she say? It's boundaries are, was it not to keep people out but to keep the safety in? i hope I got that right, Shaz. And I was like, ooh, I love that. I love that so much. All right. And it's it's a case of setting those boundaries for your own safety, for what feels safe for you and your body.
00:16:12
Victoria R
right. And it's also, you know, how are you taking care of yourself? If you know that if you've had no sleep, if you're not eating properly, all the rest of it, that you're then going to catastrophize everything,
00:16:26
Victoria R
well, perhaps you need to actually make sure that you're looking after yourself better so that when a small situation arises, it doesn't feel like it's the end of the world for you, right? so making those conscious choices to live a life that is aligning with your values, right? That's aligning with looking after yourself. That's aligning with making sure that you ah have got those boundaries in place to protect yourself and protect your energy.
00:16:50
Victoria R
ah And It's just moving beyond that blame. We're not sitting there blaming everyone for everything that's happened. Yeah, like I said, there's going to be some things that happen. It's going to feel really crap.
00:17:02
Victoria R
There might be things that have been said and done, including things that we've said and done ourselves. But are we going to keep playing this blame game? but Playing that blame game is not going to get you anywhere. It's just going to keep you in an endless loop, all right, of just...
00:17:18
Victoria R
Blaming people, blaming yourself, going round and round. You've got the guilt, you've got the resentment, you've got the anger, all the rest of it. And another thing that was brought up in the conversation um that I had with people the other day was how much energy it takes to be resentful and to be angry at others.
00:17:37
Victoria R
It's a lot of energy. It's a lot of your essence and your life force and your energy going into maintaining that anger and that resentment.
00:17:47
Victoria R
And is that really where you want to be putting that energy? Do you really, really want to be putting your energy into that? Or do you want to be putting that energy into something positive, something that makes you feel good into putting it back into yourself and improving your own life?
00:18:05
Victoria R
right? Why keep giving away your power and your energy to others? Why? What is that getting you? all Like I said, all it's going to get you is ah feeling just that constant heaviness, just feeling like, oh, of course, it's probably going to keep you in a victim mentality loop because you don't you can't really see a way out.
00:18:27
Victoria R
So you might just need to look at Where do you need to perhaps forgive others or forgive yourself for things that have happened? And find a way to move on. I'm not saying that you need to forget what's happened. I'm not saying that you need to be best friends with you know these people. But how long are you going to hold on to those negative feelings of anger and resentment and let it stop you from living an amazing life?
00:18:55
Victoria R
You know, just another kind of angle to consider there as well, because, yeah, as as this conversation mentioned, like it it's a lot. It's a lot to do that. It's a lot to hold that um and be constantly thinking those thoughts. And, of course, if you're holding that much anger and resentment, it's going to affect the the thoughts that you have. So they're going to be quite negative. And like I said, again, it's keeping you in that negative loop, that negative spin, that victim mentality. All right. And we want to try and move away from that.
00:19:26
Victoria R
right? So if any of this resonated with you,
Teaching Accountability and Emotional Intelligence
00:19:31
Victoria R
it's okay. yeah If you've kind of gone, oh, oh that hit a bit close close to home. Yeah, I think I've been playing the victim in some areas of my life. That is okay. All right. It's now bringing awareness to perhaps a situation that you didn't have awareness of before and you can go, right, what's what's this something I can start doing today to kind of move out of that victim mentality and into being radically responsible for my own life? And as I've mentioned to you, like for me, it's definitely the emotional side for me. That's something that I still get caught up on at times and it's something I'm still working through and probably will be forever. And that's okay, I'm able to recognise it though.
00:20:13
Victoria R
And I've got those tools and those strategies where I can then move through it. So like I said, if you have heard something that I've said today and you've gone, don't be alarmed. Well done for recognising it for a start. And so when we're looking at the children in our lives as well,
00:20:34
Victoria R
Trying to teach them these things is so important as well. We want them to grow up being well-rounded adults, to being people that have this emotional intelligence, to people that are able to not play the victim. And if we can start teaching them, you know, that they are responsible for their their responses and their reactions, to get them to question instead of saying, why is this happening to me? You actually say to them, well what have you learned from this? Or I actually show them that, demonstrate that questioning to them as well, because it will start getting them to go, oh okay. You know, I've had that modeled to me. i now know
00:21:17
Victoria R
Instead of saying, why is this happening? i can say, what have I learned from it? All right, because like I said, that they're not going to know unless we actually explicitly teach our children. And it's really important that we do try and do this. Okay, by also helping our children learn to set boundaries for themselves, understanding what that means. If something's not feeling right, if something doesn't feel good in your body,
00:21:39
Victoria R
right Putting a boundary in place or whatever it might be. right Also making sure they've got time to actually look after themselves too. you know This is something that as adults, we we seem to put ourselves on the back burner and it shouldn't be that way. We don't want our children growing up the same way as well. So there's quite a lot that we can do to help our children move through this. And if you're learning there right alongside them, that is great. Right. And it's also really good for them to see that, too. If they say you kind of do something like, oh, you know what? Mum's not really taking responsibility for our inactions here. All right. I need to go and apologize for that.
00:22:18
Victoria R
that's great for them to see. It's not a bad thing. All right. Gone are these days where we we can't show our children that we're human and we're vulnerable and we make mistakes. We totally can. And it's such a good thing for them to see as well. So please keep that in mind as well. We're not perfect. we're None of us ever will be. And our children need to see that too.
Reflection and Call to Action
00:22:39
Victoria R
So i would love to hear if any of this has resonated with you. If you have recognized where perhaps you might be playing the victim a little bit, if you can, ah if you know someone that may benefit from listening to this episode as well, please just send them the link. And it's all done with such love as well. We are human and all we can do is learn and improve on what we already know. So I hope this has helped in some way. right, everyone, I hope you have an amazing week and i will speak to you next Wednesday.