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24. The One About Reclaiming Your Body, Boundaries & Better Sex (with Ruby Josif)
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Somatic sexologist and coach Ruby Josif joins me for a grounded, empowering chat on coming back to your body, redefining “good sex,” and raising tweens/teens with consent, language, and self-trust. We dig into nervous-system safety, shame, intimacy after kids, and how to actually start the conversation with your partner-vulnerably, not defensively.
What we cover
- Ruby’s mission: confidence, pleasure, and authentic expression—inside the bedroom and out
- Why needs, desires, and boundaries underpin satisfying intimacy
- Getting back into your body: tiny, safe somatic practices (outside the bedroom first)
- Nervous-system basics: moving from “fight/flight” to “rest/digest”
- Active presence for busy mums: walking, touch, self-massage, dance
- Talking to kids: correct anatomical language, everyday consent, being a safe parent
- Spotting shame: hiding, shutdown, judgment of others, the “gripping” in your body
- Redefining “good sex”: less goal/organism-chasing, more connection & nourishment
- From “obligatory sex” to desire: expanding what intimacy can look like
- Couples communication: lead with vulnerability & curiosity, not resentment
- Taking responsibility for your pleasure (and why partners aren’t mind-readers)
- How to work with Ruby: mentorship, focus sessions, therapeutic yoni massage (WA)
Key takeaways
- Start outside the bedroom: build safety and presence in small moments.
- If sex feels like a chore, widen the definition of intimacy and follow what nourishes you.
- Teach kids correct words and everyday consent early—make yourself the safe person.
- Desire grows when experiences feel good for you; obligatory sex erodes it.
- Lead tough talks with “I feel/I need/I’m desiring…” and genuine curiosity.
Try this (listener micro-practice)
When you park the car (or make tea), place both hands on your body, take three slow breaths, and ask: “What sensation is here? What do I need right now?” Thirty seconds. Daily.
Connect
Guest: Ruby Josif - somatic sexologist & coach (based in WA; mentorships, focus sessions, therapeutic yoni massage).
- https://www.ruby-josif.com/
- https://www.instagram.com/ruby.josif.sex.coach/
Host: Victoria R — The Mindful Educator: mindset, mindfulness, education & mum life.
- https://www.victoria-r.com.au
- hello@victoria-r.com.au
- @the.victoria.r
Recommended
Transcript
Introduction to Ruby Joseph
00:00:39
Speaker
All right, welcome everyone to the Mindful Educator podcast. I've got an amazing guest today and she's a woman that I have worked with personally. She is an absolutely beautiful human and she's just come back after being away traveling solo for a few months. So she's all refreshed and ready to go.
00:00:56
Speaker
so I'd like to introduce you to Ruby Joseph and Ruby is a somatic sexologist, a sex coach and a thera therapeutic massage practitioner. So thank you Ruby for joining me today.
00:01:09
Speaker
Thanks so much, Vic. It's such a pleasure to chat with you today. I'm so looking forward to it. Love it. So
Empowering Women's Sexuality
00:01:16
Speaker
Ruby, we'll start off. Can you just tell us a little bit about yourself and kind of how you've ended up in this, this work that you do, that which is absolutely amazing. So I'll hand the mic over to you.
00:01:26
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. So I've been, as you mentioned in my little introduction, so of a somatic sexologist, sex coach, therapeutic yoni massage practitioner. And my main goal in this life is to support and empower as many women as possible to feel wildly confident and empowered and liberated in their sexuality in their body, in their relationships, in their pleasure, and feel really connected to their authentic expression, not just inside the bedroom, but also in all areas of their life. Because these these things are so interconnected and our our sex life and how we show up in sex often mirrors how we show up in our life. And so my mission is to really just empower as many women as possible to feel really confident in those areas of their life.
00:02:17
Speaker
That's so good. So how do you like, how do you even go about this? So obviously you probably work with a lot of women, like single women, women in relationships, I'm guessing younger women, older women. is there like a certain range or is it just anyone that comes to you that you feel that you're able to help?
Challenges in Women's Sexuality
00:02:33
Speaker
So the way I work is i tend to work with women who have, I, who have like similar life experiences to me. So much of this work is, yeah so much of how I support women is through learnings from my own experiences. So I work with women of all ages, but I primarily work with women from sort of like the 25 to 45 age range um that almost sort of like just before women start to hit that perimenopausal menopausal age. And that's when I feel as though my expertise doesn't quite reach that far because I haven't had that experience myself yet.
00:03:09
Speaker
yes But yeah, I support women with a huge range of challenges and, um you know, issues and just things, even just deepening, even women who are wanting to just deepen their understanding of themselves, but primarily work with women who are I would say the biggest theme is women who are feeling disconnected to some aspect of their sexuality, whether that's they're not feeling sexually alive in themselves, whether they're single or in a relationship, or whether they're experiencing some kind of like physiological challenge or physical challenge, whether that's, you know, a lack of sexual desire or a change, a dramatic change in their sexual desire, or even things like, you know, physical challenges, like they're experiencing pain or numbness or discomfort.
Communication in Sexual Experiences
00:03:53
Speaker
But in saying all of that, probably the biggest thing I support women with is getting really clear and connected to their authentic needs, desires and boundaries. Because these over the past, it's been what, four years now of doing this work, I have really noticed that these are the things that underpin everything.
00:04:14
Speaker
When we are unclear about our needs, our desires and our boundaries, and we're unable to express those things in a really confident and clear way, it makes it really hard to cultivate sexual experiences and a sex life that actually really nourishes us.
00:04:31
Speaker
And these our needs, desires and boundaries underpin how we communicate what we want, what feels good for us. how we communicate our emotions, how we can work through any blockages that we're feeling in relationships, in dating.
00:04:45
Speaker
And I think that's a huge focus of my work with women often and also working somatically. So I work with women in feeling in the body. We do a little bit, there is of course aspects of talking and unpacking things, but we're really focusing on how can we come out of the head and come into the body and build a relationship of safety and presence within our body.
Cultivating Body Safety and Presence
00:05:11
Speaker
Yeah. So how would you go about doing that? So what are some simple things that you would suggest to people to actually get themselves back into their body, especially those perhaps that, you know, maybe they're kind of feeling a bit disconnected from their bodies or maybe they've had some sort of trauma in the past. Like how do you actually navigate doing that?
00:05:29
Speaker
Yeah, i think I think when we're working when we're working with a a disconnect, you know, at that mind-body disconnect, it's really important to start small and to first and foremost build a relationship of safety and and build a sense of safety within our body.
00:05:49
Speaker
If we don't feel safe to be present in our body, our body is just going to, that disconnect that we feel it's not going to budge. So it becomes incredibly challenging if every time we're trying to, you know, okay, you may have heard the term drop into the body.
00:06:08
Speaker
We can drop into our body if that's not a space a safe space to exist in. So starting to really cultivate that that that sense of safety in our body in in small ways, learning how to be present in our body,
00:06:26
Speaker
in the small moments of our day outside of the bedroom. And that's kind of, that's where, that's where work, the work begins is always outside of the bedroom. We can't ah throw ourselves in the deep end, so to speak, when we're not feeling safe and present and relaxed in our body, it it'll just
Active Practices for Body Connection
00:06:45
Speaker
blast us out. And if anything, it'll do more harm than good.
00:06:48
Speaker
So to circle back to your question, what are some, some small things we can do to start to feel safe in our body? but Safety is very much linked to our nervous system and how we regulate our nervous system, how we can activate our parasympathetic nervous system, which is our rest and digest, and essentially how we can relax, learning to relax and actually be in our body.
00:07:16
Speaker
So some really simple ways that we can start to do this are, you know, exercising, learning small meditation practices, embodiment practices that are bite-sized and small, taking moments of presence where we actually give ourselves the opportunity to to bring our awareness out of the head and into the body and and sit with what's there.
00:07:40
Speaker
And that's not to say that this will be a comfortable experience all of the time. It's actually often very uncomfortable if we haven't done this before, but taking those small steps to start to build that relationship, actually sitting with ourselves and bringing our awareness into our body and and noticing what's there and, and simply being with what is there.
00:08:03
Speaker
Sometimes that will be coming out of our head and, bringing our awareness down into our body and noticing that, oh, actually I'm, I'm feeling a lot of discomfort. I can feel my body wanting to, to freak out and actually seeing if we can sit with that. And if we can be with that and start to tend to those parts of ourselves.
00:08:26
Speaker
Yeah. Does that make sense? Yeah, definitely. Definitely. I love it. And it's, yeah, quite, quite similar to the work that I'm trying to do the children and women that I work with. So, yeah, just bringing it back that presence, definitely.
00:08:43
Speaker
Absolutely. And I think something that I noticed in a lot of women, particularly if we are people who have really full and busy lives and we're constantly on the go, we've got you've got kids running over here, you've got, you know, 14 things on the to-do list, actually coming into those moments of presence and stillness is really challenging.
00:09:07
Speaker
so finding ways and parts and and activities and practices in your life that aren't necessarily sitting in stillness. Maybe it's going for a walk. Maybe it's giving yourself a massage. Maybe it is putting your hands on your body and just connecting to the sensation of touch on your body. Maybe it's dance, maybe it's movement, but finding some sort of practice or outlet where you can actually be with yourself.
00:09:38
Speaker
And for for a lot of women that sitting in stillness is not the is not the practice because its there's too much else going on in their head. And while yes, we can learn how to meditate, we can learn how to to sort of quieten that, that those thought, you know, ongoing thoughts, the monkey mind in our brain.
00:10:01
Speaker
Oftentimes it can be a lot more effective to do things that are more active and movement based and body based. Yeah. And that's good. Yeah. That's good to know as well. And obviously, yes, I can relate but definitely to the 20 million things going on.
00:10:16
Speaker
And so, yeah, it is great, you know, going for a walk. So you still kind of, you know, you can still kind of drop in ah as much as you can during that time and focus on different bits and pieces. so Yeah, I love that you've given those suggestions as well.
Ruby's Journey to Sexology
00:10:28
Speaker
So thing I want to know, though, is how exactly did you end up doing this, Ruby? Like, how did you get in this line of work? There's not many people that go, oh, yeah, I'm going to become a sex therapist or, you know, like what made you go, yeah, this is the the career path for me? Yeah, look, I do i definitely wasn't like a seven-year-old who wanted to be a sexologist. I wanted to be a vet.
00:10:49
Speaker
ah But when I was, i didn't go to university straight away out of school. I did apply to university and I've always had a real desire to work with women. When I was in high school, I applied to midwifery and I got into a midwifery course.
00:11:04
Speaker
um in Melbourne and I decided that I didn't want to live in Melbourne so I had deferred uni and I didn't end up doing that but I've always had this desire to work with women to work with women in the birthing space or very much and now I see it as I've always wanted to work with women in the in the space of of feminine healing and ah exploration and womb work really it's all sort of under that same umbrella right um yeah but when I was in my sort of late teens early 20s I discovered embodiment tantra sacred sexuality and I had some really awakening experiences that showed me how much
00:11:48
Speaker
how much pleasure and aliveness is available within me and how life-changing that is and how much that builds confidence and clarity understanding empowerment and liberation and just just the liberation that I was experiencing, I really wanted to share with other women.
00:12:12
Speaker
I think the other piece as well is I've always been someone who has been drawn to the deep, dark depths of people. I've always been someone who just wants, i want to go deep. I've always, I've always been the friends that people come to when they have you know, when they're having issues in their sex life or in their relationships well before I was qualified in any capacity.
00:12:37
Speaker
And I've always really enjoyed and felt as though that's been my calling in this life in many ways, is to hold space for people to to bring those really tender and vulnerable and and deep parts of themselves forward.
00:12:55
Speaker
And I think the other aspect is I've always been incredibly sexually curious. I've always been curious about love and lust and romance and sex and connection and intimacy.
00:13:06
Speaker
I've always been someone who has been deeply moved and drawn to those aspects of our humanness. And when i discovered that when I discovered sacred sexuality and Tantra and Neo-Tantra,
00:13:19
Speaker
I loved that space, but I and it was incredibly there was a lot of growth in that space and a lot of really interesting new and experiences there. But I also found it often lacked at times integrity and it lacked boundaries and it lacked a groundedness.
00:13:36
Speaker
And that's where I started to look into sexology. And it was, and my work is very much merging the embodiment, the feminine arts, embodiment, neo-tantra, but also really anchoring it in with with sick with sexology and just the the practical, grounded, scientific side that, and they work really beautifully together. So I would say i have a really holistic approach and that's come through my own experiences of really wanting to
00:14:10
Speaker
really wanting to explore myself in more depth as well. Yeah. Oh, I love that so much. And I love, yeah, as soon as you mentioned like the midwifery and the um being a vet, I'm like, oh, that's like, you do have such a caring nature about you that I can see why you would have been drawn to those paths.
Talking to Kids About Sex
00:14:28
Speaker
But even just like, it's literally like having a warm hug when talking to you. Like you just got that, there's something about you that is just so caring. And you know, as soon as you talk to you that,
00:14:38
Speaker
that kind of flows through. So it makes sense that you're doing work like this, where you kind of bringing women back to themselves and, you know, i just, yeah, helping in that regard. So it's lovely. I'm glad that you kind of found this path for yourself.
00:14:51
Speaker
Thanks, Vic. Yeah. Like I said, definitely wasn't on my childhood jobs list. I can't imagine. Oh my gosh, that would be so funny. You know you've got to write it down in class, like what you want to be when you get up.
00:15:04
Speaker
I love it. If I ever have children, if I have a child that then like goes, my mum's a sexologist and then they to school at like age 10 and that's what they want to be. You always want to be what your parents are. So yeah.
00:15:15
Speaker
but I think it was like marine biologist when I was going through school everyone wanted to be a marine biologist yeah same same so maybe you can start a train where everyone's going to be want to be a sexologist I love it I don't know if the schooling system's ready for that quite well Not yet.
00:15:35
Speaker
Maybe, maybe when I have kids, maybe in the next five to 10 years, when I have children, they will be. Oh God, I hope it's not 10 years. i hope it's not 10. Oh, I love this.
00:15:47
Speaker
So speaking of kids, so obviously I've got my teaching background, all the rest of it. If, yeah. In terms of telling our kids about, you know, not necessarily sexuality, but kind of how to be even connected to their body, how to, like you said, have those boundaries, like our tweens and our teens as they're heading towards, you know, getting more, I suppose, sexually curious about different things. What are some suggestions that you may have for parents regarding that? Like, how can we approach this with them in a way that, you know, it means that they're empowered going into it means that they're not necessarily going to be saying yes when they really want to say no. Like how, how do we navigate that?
00:16:26
Speaker
Yeah. So a wonderful question. And I think it's so beautiful that there's so many more parents who are really open to having these conversations. One of the, there's a couple of things I'll touch on.
00:16:38
Speaker
One of the first things is, as As parents, it's really important to establish that you are a safe space for your children to go to to talk about these things.
00:16:50
Speaker
And that looks like really... managing your responses when kids come to you with curiosity, because at the end of the day, they're going to come to you with questions about sex or what's this, what's that? Someone was talking about this at school. What does that mean?
00:17:07
Speaker
And you've sort of got two options in that scenario. You can go, oh my God, you're too young to be talking about this. And then they're going to go and find answers elsewhere, likely on the internet, likely from their friends at school, likely from pornography. And at or you can choose to have open conversations that include information that's age appropriate, of course.
00:17:29
Speaker
But having these open conversations, even though your nervous system may be absolutely rattled that your child's coming to you, asking you what a particular thing is, um having some responses prepared, keeping your nervous system in check and establishing yourself as a safe space for them to come to.
00:17:48
Speaker
Because the reality is, out like children are going to children, hope, you know, teenagers, young adults, there they're going to have challenging sexual experiences through their life.
00:18:00
Speaker
And they are going to, they are that that is the reality of being a human is we are going to have, we're going to have heartbreaks. We're going to have hurt. We're going to have experiences that don't feel good at times and establishing yourself as a parent, as a safe person that they can come to and talk about these things with,
00:18:19
Speaker
is essential. I was so lucky as a teenager that both my parents were incredibly open, particularly my mom. I was able to go to her about anything and everything and any questions that I had. And she had this beautiful way of ah really empowering me, caring for me and ensuring that I was safe.
00:18:44
Speaker
So I think first and foremost, establishing yourself as that person in your children's lives. And there's lots of wonderful child psychologists and psychologists who specialize in these areas um of amazing, amazing communication tools that that you can, you know, dive into.
00:19:01
Speaker
yeah The other piece I would say is really being like checking as a parent, checking the parts of yourself that are holding shame and holding shame around your own body and your own, you know, sexuality and your own ah thoughts and beliefs surrounding sex and not projecting those onto your kids.
00:19:24
Speaker
A big, a really common thing that we, see that, that I see is, you know, parents referring to their kids' bodies or referring to genitals as, you know, like, for example, rather than calling a vulva, a vulva, calling it a hoo-ha or a front bum or like just of incorrect name that is actually reflective of their discomfort within calling a spade a spade.
00:19:47
Speaker
And so teaching our children, teaching children the the correct name for their anatomy is essential. It's empowering. And it also clears the way for a lack of shame surrounding their body. It's like, no, this is a vulva. This is a penis. This is a, these are my breasts. Like these, this is the correct name for these things.
00:20:06
Speaker
You know, I don't have to hide this thing behind some phony, you know, fake name. So that's a really kind of simple thing to start bringing in.
00:20:17
Speaker
um In terms of consent and boundaries, I think empowering children in their know from a really young age, reminding them that their body is theirs and they don't have to hug someone they don't want to hug.
00:20:33
Speaker
They don't have to say yes when they really mean no. They're allowed to, you know, teaching kids how to check in with their body, what does it, what does that feel like in your body when someone asks you that? Does that feel happy and good?
00:20:46
Speaker
Or does that feel a bit yucky and like, you know, you know, really starting to encourage those conversations from a young age. And of course, all of these conversations are going to be, you know, done over time in an age appropriate way. And we can start to um develop those conversations over the years. But, you know, if you've got young children, you know, teaching them about, you know, their yes and their no, and then these These conversations of consent and boundaries are already foundational in who children are.
00:21:17
Speaker
So when they get to the age of 14, 15, 16, when kids start to become sexually active and really sexually curious, those conversations surrounding consent are already present in their relationships.
00:21:28
Speaker
It's not a brand new concept.
Understanding and Addressing Shame
00:21:31
Speaker
It's like, you know how we had these conversations about yes and no? Well, now that you're starting to, you know, explore these areas, these other areas and, you know, getting curious, it's like this also applies to to sex, to kissing, to dating, to all of those those things.
00:21:47
Speaker
So really establishing those conversations early is such a powerful way to then carry them through um all the way through to adulthood. Yeah. Oh, I love that. That's such good, good advice to have as well, especially, um, I know for me personally, as we're heading into the tween and the teen, making sure, yeah, those conversations are open. And I really like how you said, making sure you're not carrying your shame on like, and projecting that onto the kids. Cause I think Yeah, like there there can be so much shame around sex, talking about it, you know people's bodies, all the rest of it. And i know that's obviously something that you help women work through as well, but I guess how how would you recognize that you actually are feeling shame about things? i know
00:22:34
Speaker
yeah i know you work with most people are quite self-aware, but for those that maybe haven't quite worked out that they're holding a lot of shame, how would they know? like what What are some things that might be happening? Yeah, so often shame presents as us wanting to hide a part of ourselves, us not wanting to be honest about a particular part of ourself out of fear of how we're going to be perceived.
00:22:58
Speaker
It can also, everyone experiences shame slightly different in the differently in their body, but noticing if you have that kind of gripping sort of sticky sensation in your tummy and in your body when you're talking about things,
00:23:13
Speaker
I think also shame can be quite silencing and it can make us want to shut down. So if you're someone who's noticing that whenever someone talks about anything in of a sexual nature that you really retract into yourself, that you're maybe judging yourself, that you're feeling a lot of um discomfort, that can be an indicator that that shame is is present.
00:23:39
Speaker
It can also manifest as us being really judgmental of other people, you know, being when we feel shame surrounding our own sexuality and our own sexual aliveness and and desires, we can be really judgmental to people who feel really open and liberated and comfortable in those parts of ourselves.
00:24:00
Speaker
Because people are always going to mirror back to us the parts of us that are, you know, that are, you know, uncomfortable, right? And then, you know, so it's noticing, noticing your responses and your reactions and getting really curious about, oh, is that, is that true? Or is that actually my shame kind of playing out there?
00:24:21
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Good to know. Cause yeah, I know that. Yeah. Obviously if you've done a little bit of self-development work, it's something that you probably are kind of more clued in with it even so we still have our blind spots for sure so yeah it's oh how do we know that we are holding that shame around it and i know a lot of the time it may not necessarily even be our shame we might be carrying someone else's shame around things as well so sometimes it comes from our parents if our parents that's where we learn it from so so often it's like oh there's you know sex is a taboo thing.
Normalizing Sex
00:24:53
Speaker
It's a shameful thing. It's something that we don't talk about, you know, and we we learn that if we're learning that from our parents, you know, and taking that on, it it's not actually ours. Right. And that's why having
00:25:05
Speaker
these self inquiries is so important when it comes to teaching kids about sex, because we don't want to be passing those sorts of things on, you know, sex is a beautiful, very natural part of our, of our life as humans. It's how we connect. It's how we ah build intimacy in relationships in, you know, we build intimacy in lots of ways, but it's, it's a really beautiful part of our life. And that,
00:25:31
Speaker
sort of, ah it's so important to to to model that for our children, you know? It's so important to for them to grow up learning that this doesn't have to be the shameful taboo thing, you know?
00:25:46
Speaker
we all have sex. Like, it's crazy. It's still crazy to me that it's such a taboo, right? Like we all, it's like pretending the sun doesn't exist, you know, because we're a product of sex. Well, most of the time, you know, yeah i maybe slightly different these days. yeah Yeah. Maybe slightly different IVF and all those things, of course. But, oh you know, we're, we are, the majority of us are a product of sex and and denying the fact that sex exists and,
00:26:16
Speaker
it is like denying that the sun exists. Like it's, It's crazy. yeah yeah and this line I do love that the conversations like it is getting a lot more normal to talk about it. Obviously, you know, maybe 50 years ago, it wouldn't have been, but you know, the fact that as we've been moving through, people are more comfortable speaking about it and not everyone is obviously, but I love the fact that, you know, you're able to be out here doing your work and sharing what you share. And, you know, probably so many years ago, people would have been like, Oh my gosh, like yeah getting burnt at the stake.
00:26:52
Speaker
thrown in a mental asylum. Yeah. and So I guess another thing, like most people think, you know, good sex means, you know, reaching orgasm or whatever it might be. Is that always the case though?
00:27:03
Speaker
Like what's your perspective on that?
Redefining Good Sex
00:27:06
Speaker
So my definition of, of good sex is going to be so different to every single person, every other person's right.
00:27:16
Speaker
Um, Sex is such a unique and individual experience. And for some people, yeah, like that is their that is their definition of of good sex is like, you know you know, experiencing orgasm every time and having that having that pleasurable experience.
00:27:33
Speaker
However, what I will say is this, for me personally, and the way I sort of view sex is, It's not about how often we're having it or i don't think a good sex life is defined by how often we're having it or how many times we orgasm or, you know, any of those kind of, ah what's the word I'm looking for? Benchmark type things. Yeah, benchmarks. It's not so much about ticking off a checklist and ticking off the goals within sex.
00:28:05
Speaker
It's about how alive we feel, how connected we feel, how... intimate and nourishing that experience is however that looks to people and i think what happens when we start to have orgasm focused sex is that it actually really limits the amount of pleasure that we can access the types of experience that we can have the the depth that we can go to because we're so focused on this one soul thing and And actually limits us from having other experiences.
00:28:35
Speaker
A really common experience, a really common sort of example of this is, you know, i work with a lot of women who have, who are, who are moms, who have really limited time and, and limited energy and who are touched out and defining sex as we come together, it's purely penetrational sex, ah penetration sex, and we are, you know, aiming to orgasm.
00:29:02
Speaker
That is not always what they want. Like that is not always what you have the energy for or the the availability for. So starting to broaden our idea of of sex and intimacy and saying, actually, we're just going to take the goals and expectations out of it. And I'm just going to lay here with my partner and we're going to cuddle for a little bit.
00:29:23
Speaker
And then we're going to kiss and maybe we'll just see where things go. And maybe it turns into orgasm, penetration, the whole, you know, the whole thing, or maybe it doesn't, but really asking yourself, how can I expand my view of sex and intimacy so i can feel most alive and most nourished and most connection and the most intimacy with my partner or with, or with myself. Right.
00:29:49
Speaker
And so it's that, that taking those goals and expectations out of sex really creates space for a div diverse range of experiences a...
Intimacy Beyond Goals
00:29:59
Speaker
i It really allows us to receive nourishment in the ways that we're needing it without the, it should look this way.
00:30:09
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. And I love that. and I think, yeah, what really stands out, obviously the at that connection, as you said, and that intimacy, like that's more often than not, I know for me as a woman, that's usually what is what I'm after is that connection, that intimacy with my partner. So, you know, I'm sure there's probably a lot of others that are feeling the same as well, but it's so true. he said When you've got limited time, you're touched out, like you're like, oh God.
00:30:34
Speaker
And I um still remember hearing some, like some women in my life talking about it sex, almost like it was something on the to-do list that they had to do with their husbands. And it made really sad to hear that. And like, I know that people still do say that, like, you know, oh gosh, yeah, you know, I better tick that off the list so that, you know, they're happy and blah, blah, blah. And it's like, oh, it's yeah.
00:30:58
Speaker
And I think that's a really common mentality for women is that having obligatory sex in order to, you know, make their partners happy and to, you know, tick it off the list. I've been a good wife. I've been a good partner this month or this week and I've had sex.
00:31:12
Speaker
And just going through the motions of it rather than actually taking responsibility and ownership of of your pleasure and going, what do I want?
00:31:25
Speaker
What do I need? What would actually feel good for me? And I can tell you this, our partners know when sex is obligatory. They can feel us.
00:31:36
Speaker
They know when we're just ticking something off the list. Okay. And it doesn't feel very good for them. Yeah. You know? And so when we can actually start to really connect to what we're truly desiring, the type of, you know, experiences that we actually are wanting and needing, and this is where it comes back to really...
00:31:58
Speaker
expanding our definition of sex and our expanding our definition of of what intimacy can look like, you know, um we can move away from that obligatory like, all right, going have penetrative sex once this week, tick, done, off the list, all good.
00:32:14
Speaker
And actually going... what would nourish me and my partner and our relationship most? How can we start to create experiences that actually feel good for us both that I'm actually desiring?
00:32:27
Speaker
Because when we have sex that we're not desiring, we're not training our brains to really want it either. You know, we're not having experiences that were like, oh yeah, I really want to go back for more on that.
00:32:38
Speaker
You know, i really want to do that. And that's when it really becomes that like chore on the checklist is, yeah you know, oh I forgot this thing I have to do. And it's like, you've got to go grocery shopping, right? like, yeah you have to do it.
00:32:50
Speaker
Whereas when we can start to actually create experiences that feel good for us, when we become connected to our needs and our desires and our boundaries, and, you know, we can then really, it really supports our desire for sex as well. When we're having sex that nourishes us, it makes us want more of it.
00:33:10
Speaker
Yeah. Because feel good afterwards. We don't feel depleted. Yeah. It's always like that sleep promotes sleep. And I reckon good sex promotes good sex. 100%. The more sex you have, the more, no, the more good sex you have, the more good sex you have, right? Yeah.
Unmet Desires in Relationships
00:33:25
Speaker
I love it and um Do you actually work with couples as well? Like, do you do any work ah like with couples or with men in any um aspect or how does that?
00:33:35
Speaker
I occasionally, I occasionally work with couples. I primarily work with women, but I do have, I have worked with couples in the past and I do, I do work with a few couples here and there, but I feel as though, yeah, I primarily work with women, but I do love working with couples. It's yeah beautiful. It's such a beautiful, um,
00:33:54
Speaker
such a beautiful part of my work, actually. I really enjoy Yeah, because it'll be quite interesting as well, hearing it from the other perspective and, you know, yeah, as you say, kind of what they pick up when different things are happening.
00:34:06
Speaker
um Yes, fascinating. really Something I really notice when I do work with couples, and this is the biggest thing that always surprises me in every one of the sessions that I have with couples, is oftentimes what will happen is uh in heterosexual couples um the woman will express a desire or a need that she has and goes oh i just really need you to do this thing or i really need this thing to feel safe or i'm really desiring this and the man will go you've never told me that oh i didn't know
00:34:45
Speaker
yeah And it's this theme and it happens every time. And they go, oh, my God, I've just, you know, and these are couples who have often been together for years, sometimes like 10 years, you know. yeah I didn't know that because you've never told me.
00:35:00
Speaker
and ah And this really comes back to a piece of.
Vulnerability in Conversations
00:35:06
Speaker
Our pleasure and communicating our needs and our desires and our boundaries is first and foremost our responsibility as women, as people, as individuals, for for men as well, right, for all of us.
00:35:20
Speaker
Yeah. We cannot expect people to read our minds. Yeah. We cannot, you know, if we're having obligatory sex that doesn't feel great, yeah, our partner might be able to feel it, but they may also be going, oh, she feels quite disconnected, but I guess this is what she wants. She hasn't said anything else.
00:35:37
Speaker
Yeah. so it's also our responsibility to be like, hey, our sex life is feeling a little bit like a checklist to me. How can we change that? This is what I'm really desiring.
00:35:49
Speaker
and And oftentimes what stops us from having these conversations and taking responsibility for our pleasure and having these challenging conversations is the fear of creating waves and and discomfort in our relationship.
00:36:04
Speaker
yeah But that's the thing. You're already in discomfort in your relationship if sex feels obligatory. So you can either blow it up a little bit and yeah, go in and have those hard conversations.
00:36:16
Speaker
And yeah, it might feel uncomfortable. And yeah, there's going to be some things that need to get spoken about and cleared and worked through. But I personally would much rather have those uncomfortable conversations than go the next or the rest of my life.
00:36:31
Speaker
Yeah. Not loving myself life. And how would you approach those conversations? Like, how would you suggest um women do approach these? Because it can feel like even though you've been with this person for however long, sometimes it's my gosh. like Or you're not sure how they're going to react or like, yeah, how do how do you kind of navigate that side of it?
00:36:52
Speaker
with curiosity and vulnerability, leading your own vulnerability. It can be so easy when we've had, it can be so easy to allow our resentment to lead in these conversations and to go into blaming and to blame the other person for what we're experiencing.
00:37:10
Speaker
So it requires a level of self-holding and ah and it requires a level of of vulnerability of us actually leading with what's in our hearts and what what we're feeling.
00:37:23
Speaker
You know, it's not you don't make love to me the way I want to be made love to It's a, you hey, i I really need to feel more connect. I really I'm really desiring to feel more connection with you.
00:37:35
Speaker
i This feels really vulnerable to share, but i I'm not loving our sex life right now and I want to work together to to to make it something amazing again.
00:37:46
Speaker
You know, it it's really leading from that place of of love and vulnerability rather than blaming and resentfulness. And it can be so much easier to...
00:37:59
Speaker
ah to move from that body of pain within us when we've been feeling that discomfort so long for so long, because we just want to throw that at the other person. We want to make it their problem and their fault because it's really uncomfortable looking at the part that we're also playing in it.
00:38:15
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. in know order to have those conversations and to make changes, if we've got a really ingrained pattern in our sex life, is to first and foremost, you've got to take responsibility for yourself and you need to take responsibility for your side of the street and the and the part that you're playing in perpetuating these patterns and pieces in your relationship.
00:38:36
Speaker
And that's uncomfortable. And you have to sit with that discomfort. You've got to work through that. I know, it's not great. But taking responsibility for that, And then leading these conversations with curiosity and vulnerability and love.
00:38:51
Speaker
And I think if you are then, this is easier done when we have a partner who is receptive and open and willing and who loves us. And- if we to be honest if we're in a relationship with someone who doesn't love us and who isn't willing to to work on things with us that that might be a whole different kettle of fish yeah um maybe a little red flag waving i don't know a little red flag waving there but i would also say you know there's so many people out there who you know including myself who can help with those sorts of challenges and and facilitating those conversations because they're not easy conversations to have necessarily
00:39:31
Speaker
so you know, reaching out for help as well. You don't have to do it all on your own. i love that. And um that leads me to my next question. How can people actually work with you?
Ruby's Services and Final Advice
00:39:41
Speaker
Yeah. So I currently offer a few different modalities. So I've got a four month mentorship between four and six month mentorship.
00:39:50
Speaker
And I also do hour long focus sessions and you can book it all on my website. And then I also offer therapeutic yoni massage, all of that information's on my website. So that's in Western Australia. So I'm based in Margaret River and Fremantle.
00:40:06
Speaker
Oh, I love that. Thank you so much. And before we finish Ruby, I have to ask everyone this. What is one piece of advice that you would leave um the listeners with today? oh that's a great question. It always catches everyone. Now they're like, one piece of advice.
00:40:27
Speaker
My piece of advice would be to
00:40:32
Speaker
Take a moment every day to connect to your body in some small way. Take a moment every single day to come back to yourself, come back into your own energy, feel your body, whether that is in just a small moment when you're in the car and you're place you you park your car and you place your hands on your knees and you just remind yourself that you're here and you're in it whether you're taking a small moment of of pleasure throughout the day but my advice to everyone would be you know don't let yourself get so caught up in the rest of the world that you forget you forget that you're here and that you have this beautiful you know sensation filled body that you can connect to at any moment
00:41:12
Speaker
I love that. Oh, thank you so much for joining me today, Ruby. I really appreciated it. And it's been so interesting to chat about all the different things. Thanks so much for having me, Vic. It was such a pleasure. I really appreciate you having me on here. Awesome. Thank you.