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Forkers 1-11: Dino Saw'r Us!
149 Plays1 year ago
Steggoland, here we come! The dinos are on the rise and looking to push human ancestors into extinction! Will the Forkers bring balance to this war-torn land? *shrugs*
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Transcript
Improvisation and Pain in '40 Year Old Virgin'
00:00:00
Speaker
You ready for a theme song? Hang tight. 12 to belong. Hold up and keep your socks on. Get ready for the fork and theme song. All right. What I mean, do you have to break the pond? No, get ready for the fork and theme song. No, can't remember if I left the oven. No, get ready for the fork and theme song. No time to run, America. Gotta end the mother fork and theme song.
00:00:24
Speaker
Did you know he improvised that? That wasn't a line he was supposed to do. That whole thing, the part where he was all waxing was all improvised. Yeah, that was all real too, man. Oh my god, damn hand, man. Oh my damn hand, hell. Yep, they were like, you can only do one take of this, so.
Introduction to 'Forkers' and Game Talk
00:00:42
Speaker
What are you talking about? 40 year old virgin. 40 year old virgin, yeah. There's a scene where he goes to get his chest wax and his whole...
00:00:54
Speaker
midsection is very, very hairy. And they actually waxed his chest in the scene. And like the characters are kind of breaking in the background and he's just improvising shit to stay. And he's actually getting hurt. Like at the end, they waxed his chest. Yeah, you can see the blood. I'm thinking of that right now. Yeah, it's pretty, it's a pretty great movie. We should watch it sometime, Adrienne. I think you'd like it. Yeah. Anyway, good morning, good afternoon and good evening.
00:01:22
Speaker
Oh, for show. Looky looky, I can see through your shirt. Nice. Anyway, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, ladies, gentlemen, non binary folks of universes known and unknown. And in the 40 year old Virgin, this is role players. Well, well, well, I didn't start my local recording yet.
00:01:38
Speaker
I didn't either pick the whole bouquet of oopsie daisies. Good morning. Good afternoon. Good evening, everybody. This is Justin from role players. I'm going to tell you about something today. We are playing a game called something.
00:02:04
Speaker
Forkers. We're playing Forkers. We're playing Savage Worlds in the universe of Forkers. So. Goblins in the game. Yeah. This one. Are we in my hug a dragon game? Yeah. Yeah. We have to go back to the goblin planet. We're go to a goblin universe. I'm sure there's one. Yeah. Forkers everything is possible.
00:02:28
Speaker
Um, so last time I haven't edited the episode that we recorded last, so I don't know if this one's going to come out before that one or not. So I don't know what to say what happened last time. But I do know that officially the dungeon dive incorporated episode came out before this one because it's already up. Hell yeah, brother. So what happened last time? That happened last time. You remember the last episode of this? Let's do it again. Pump those numbers up.
00:02:56
Speaker
Yeah, pump those numbers up. Go listen to it.
Mission Chaos and Beach vs. Dinosaurs Debate
00:02:58
Speaker
We don't need to tell you what happened. Oh no, we went to the Stardew Valley planet last time. Right. I just don't know if I'm going to have it edited in time before I feel like posting this one. Oh, okay. I didn't put a number on any of them yet, so I don't know if I'm going to post that one proper or not. I don't know. Okay.
00:03:15
Speaker
But yeah, you know what, but for sake of brevity, we did record a nice, peaceful, very chill episode. It was relatively fine until it was relatively fine. Something bad happened. Something bad almost happened. But yeah, other than that, it was a pretty chill episode.
00:03:31
Speaker
Anyway, so you guys are back on Chorgan Meman after something happened. Wait, that has to come first because we bought some shit at the store, though, at the end of that episode. Oh, you did. Fuck, I have to put that one up first. Oh, that's right. Okay, so you guys went to- People will understand why I have infinite banana grower now.
00:03:47
Speaker
That's true. Yeah, this is a very important part of the plot. You guys went to Cropitor to go help someone, a cat person named Cassandra, to help get a big rock out of the way. You guys barely interacted with her. You guys ended up going on a mission for pies and a mission for fucking a giant industrial drill or some shit. You got ambushed by some spud cannon launching wub wub boys and monkey boy almost died.
00:04:16
Speaker
I almost died to a potato. I almost died to a potato to the gut. And then the other two were just having like a stoner's dream and we're like, yeah, I'll go beat some meat for a pie or whatever. I stole meat for a pie. I couldn't follow that storyline. Yeah. I stole meat for pie. That's all McDonald was sitting on a bench beating his meat with a monkey wrench. That's all you want, but it makes no sense to me.
00:04:43
Speaker
Anyway, what of our episodes really do we expect most of the time until we get to the end? Normally, we meet the actual important people like this time, like on our end, we were like, Sunny, oh yeah, there was a person you were supposed to talk to. The other way, we're here to help you. She's like, what? She's like, who the fuck are you? Just listen, just so you know, I was not in a great headspace that day. I don't know what everybody else was on that day.
00:05:11
Speaker
I'm still recovering from being a little ill. It was just a weird day. Some parts were really ill. Some parts were just like we were all fucking high and just really mellow and shit was happening. It's fine. Adam got into my stash. I got into her stash. Yeah, we just kind of like, yeah, fucking yeah. It was a Cassie Vibe day. It's fine. All right, you guys, you know what? I'm picking today's where we're going because you guys picked last time to go to that place and I almost died there.
00:05:39
Speaker
I want to go to the fight. Look here. What did you say, BX? Didn't you also pick the foreign planet last time? I think we all... I did. It was a consensus kind of agreement. It was supposed to be vacation. Nobody ever asked me what I want to do. Nobody cares more chugging me, man.
00:06:01
Speaker
You wanna go to a nice beach planet, so be sure to go on the beach. I'm just gonna go crash into a space iceberg. Oh my god, children, are you still talking? No one talks to me anymore when I get a little lonely up here. But crash into the biggest sand castle. Yeah, let's do that. Listen, I saw they just put a new one on here about fighting dinosaurs or something with laser beams. I want them to do that.
00:06:27
Speaker
You want to fight dinosaurs by which? I want to hug dinosaurs. Dave, no, look here. It says, um, I've closed my, my, I've closed the screen where Chorgan had a joke. Dinos have somehow learned to create advanced technology slash laser weapons. And they're running the cave folks out of town and out of business. I guess they have been. I don't know that, but that's kind of crazy. Um, we must bring balance back to this world before the time we're up here sucks in all surrounding planets.
00:06:53
Speaker
I wonder how they did that. That's so crazy. Like, dinosaurs are so cute and they just go like, rar, rar, rar all over the place, you know? If they develop thumbs and it's all downhill from there. Oh my goodness, that's so crazy. Maybe we could like, maybe we could talk them out and be like, hey, listen, you don't need to be so mean. Well, maybe we cut off their thumbs. Yes, that's a good way to solve it.
00:07:21
Speaker
That doesn't sound so nice though because maybe they need those thumbs because have you ever tried to like use a spoon without a thumb? I use my feet all the time to eat. I chose it to eat it. I can do it without thumbs.
00:07:37
Speaker
Anywho, don't ruin my vibe. Have you ever tried to use a spoon without a thumb? Forget about it. Forget about it. I want to fight time so the structure is lost. That's the end of it. Yes, make that a t-shirt. I'm going to. Have you ever tried to use a spoon without a thumb? Forget about it. Forget about it. We should have a whole thumb collection. Thumbs, they're great. Who has two thumbs and a really cool shirt? This guy.
00:08:07
Speaker
Okay, I misunderstood. I thought you said we were going to collect thumbs. That's something BX5 would say too. It's like, you know, I'm trying to understand how thumbs works. I'm just collecting a bunch of different ones. Okay, this is great. Everything we're talking about. But Chorgan, set a course for Dino Planet Stiggle Land. All right. Guys, we're going to Stiggle Land. I can't wait to go see the dinosaurs.
00:08:35
Speaker
We're here. I can't wait to slay them. Shoot us down there, Chorgan. Close as close as possible to where we need to be, as always. Do you need do you need to grab anything before you go? Oh, shit. Swasha is going to go grab her T-Rex costume out of her trunk. Can Cass, since I asked that in character, is that Sasha saying in third person, Sasha is going to go get her dinosaur costume? Yep.
00:09:02
Speaker
She's doing it. BX, have you noticed she's been talking about herself in the third person lately? Has she been always through that? I honestly don't. Every time I wake up in the morning, I kind of block out what I heard from you guys last time. I get that. I kind of do a sister reset as well. Yeah, BX is like every day I process her the same way, so it's all the same. I'm going to get my jet pack.
00:09:28
Speaker
I'm gonna bring my little orb robot companion. He's gonna be attached to my belt for now, I guess. What was his name? Orbe? Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe. Orbe.
00:09:56
Speaker
BX5, are you grabbing anything for the road? Bring my thumb knife. Your thumb knife? It's a normal knife, a suitor will be for thumbs. It looks like one of those cigar clipper things where they clip the end of the fucking cigar. You know what, BX, I'm going to say that your thumb knife does double damage against thumbs. Nice.
00:10:23
Speaker
You have to you have to roll a higher accuracy roll to hit them But if you do you automatically get to roll a bonus die and if you roll bonus die already from your crit Then you get to roll double bonus dice You get double or whatever bonus whatever number you roll will just multiply it by two and you get to have that damage against We're gonna single-handedly de-evolve this whole planet Yeah, let's do that whatever damage you roll is always gonna be times two if you roll high enough to hit a thumb and
00:10:50
Speaker
Okay, there actually is a function like that in savage roles. I can't remember how it works. It's called like called shots or something like that. You can like focus different parts. Yeah, focus on a certain part. It's at a certain bonus negative, but like if you hit it... Which we kind of do because we say like I'm gonna throw my sting at this guy's chest or I'm gonna turn and slash him in the head, but we just don't really put the thing. Call that shot. It's more for narrative than it is for...
00:11:12
Speaker
Right. OK, so you guys are ready. Sasha's got her was it a T-Rex or a little reptile costume on or some shit? Yeah, a little T-Rex costume like they have in like a blow up ones nowadays. But you just see like this little halfling. She's like three and a half foot tall. She's like she's like bumping in everything because she doesn't fit through doorways and shit. He's like all blown up like we.
00:11:40
Speaker
She's not used to being so big. Do you guys think they will mistake me for a caveman since I'm hairy and ugly? They may have monkeys down there, you never know. Oh, come on Baxter, you're not that hairy. Do you think? Thank you.
00:11:57
Speaker
Oh no, I take pride in being hairy, damn it. Megapethicus is a giant monkey you fight.
00:12:25
Speaker
What's the name of the little monkey you can ride on? Is that not the peksta? I don't know. What's the Bigfoot thing? And you can skip past it. I'm just really, now I want to, now I want a whole other thing. You know what? Just go ahead and Google it while Jorg and Miman throws you guys down on the planet. Oh, are you talking about Mothra and Godzilla? No, I'm talking about Jigantopithecus. No, he's talking about something completely. It's Jigantopithecus, what you're talking about. Oh, sorry. I was like, what? All right, down you go. Bye. Pew, pew, pew. Bye.
Exploring Stegoland and Dinosaur Dynamics
00:12:51
Speaker
Sheesh.
00:12:52
Speaker
If I can just toss you guys a little hairy. You're evolving back there, just deal with it. So you guys go to the place, you guys go down to Stegoland. Justin, since this was kind of your brainchild at first, what does Stegoland look like? Nice. Well, if you ever play nice, it's nothing like that.
00:13:17
Speaker
It's, you know, it's kind of got like, you know, it's still sort of semi-tropical with all the trees and everything and stuff, but there's like these, you see a bunch of big facilities all over the place and like really crazy sort of futuristic dinosaur city out and like, it's got like the old, you know, sci-fi movie look where it's like over like a big water, it's got the weird big bridges and shit and all the buildings are like white or silver or shiny and shit and the dinosaurs are down there going, where are the dinosaurs? Where are the dinosaurs?
00:13:44
Speaker
Did the dinosaurs look like dinosaurs or are they like are they anthropomorphized in some way? Like what what do you imagine? I think mostly for fun. They're mostly normal dinosaur looking. They just can use their hands better. But maybe there's some that are like higher than either through genetic experiments or whatever are more like the like they're better, but they are weird looking. I imagine there's some out in the world are like as ugly as the Goombas from the original Mario movie.
00:14:09
Speaker
They have the big bodies and a little reptile head. Oh, yeah. But they're really smart. They've been genetically engineering themselves to be really smart, but they just look good. What about the quadrupeds? There's some that are more or less, I don't know, they've assimilated. That's you can decide that, Adam, if they have stegosaurus. You call it a stegoland, so I guess stegosaurus would have to be important. I just wanted it to sound like Legoland, really.
00:14:39
Speaker
It was Professor Dr. Stego who invented all of that. Yeah, Professor Dr. Stego. I mean, I imagine that since they're so technologically advanced, maybe their brains develop, they were able to build contraptions that if they can't have hands- Oh, they have cataractuses. Yeah.
00:14:57
Speaker
They like that kind of things and shit like that. Yeah. Or like, or like the little, the little head, the heads from Futurama, when they get like those little things. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay, cool. And BX5, what would you say is the first thing that he processes when he comes to this planet? All the, there's still plants around. It's not all just city, right?
00:15:25
Speaker
Yeah, definitely. Then firstly, like all the cream plants and like the crazy floor. Green plants? Is there a particular one that you're looking at? There's one in front of us that's like huge and it's like gigantic clays and there's like some caveman trying to eat the plant. Yeah, there's a there's a there's like a little partially hairy boy. He looks like Baxter, but with far less hair.
00:15:57
Speaker
And he's kind of like picking at it and kind of chewing on it and you see that as he chews on it and he takes a big chomp out of the leaf he kind of starts his eyes kind of like roll back into his head a little bit and he just kind of sits on the ground and goes like We got their work cut for us in advancing these dumbasses
00:16:16
Speaker
I mean, you don't really need to do anything with them. You just need to do stuff with the dinosaurs, right? Yeah, we bring them. We either bring the cavemen up or we bring the dinosaurs back down a peg. I think that could be both difficult, but I would find it more fun to take the dinosaurs down. Yes, me too. I think that would be a good fun time. Yeah. Wait. Wait. You hate dinosaurs?
00:16:48
Speaker
I hate a lot of things, buddy, but today, yes, I hate dinosaurs. Me now have an house now, Cosdino. Oh, no, gosh, man. They took your house? I cannot afford house. They take my job. They scare me out of your house.
00:17:07
Speaker
No, me no afford. They jack up rent price. I smack you lose job. I smack BX on his metal chest. Oh, geez. BX, Sasha, it's just like that freaking cleaning planet. They invented capitalism again and it's fucked everything up. Not again.
00:17:22
Speaker
Every time. Do you know how to write? Go squeeze those berries and write on a thing. Beware the communist monkey. You're going to want to have this man like that. Same thing again. It worked last time. We're going to throw some people into some glass. It's going to be fine. We'll figure it out. How did BlubBlub do this? I forgot. Chorgan, send BlubBlub down, please. BlubBlub.
00:17:49
Speaker
Oops. Sorry. That was him getting shoved into the electro tube to be shot out. He comes down. He looks like Nacho knows. Mr. Caveman, this is my son, Blub Blub. Blub Blub. I will have him devour as many dinosaurs as he can. OK. Me no. Me no. I know what coming them in them would mean. You will. What does coming them in the monkey mean?
00:18:16
Speaker
Oh, it means, I don't really know what it means, but it means I'm going to fuck you up if you fuck up.
00:18:24
Speaker
It means let's burn down the system. Let's go. Yeah. He like the little caveman dude like rubs his eyes when he and like his vision kind of comes back into focus and he looks at Sasha. Oh, God. Oh, no. Me. No. Me. No. Me. No. Eat you. Leave me. No. Eat you. Leave me. Sorry. Me. Sorry. And he starts. He starts running away from Sasha. Hold on, dude. Where are you going? No, me dinosaur. No, you fake. You fake news. Me run. He saw you. You freaked him out, Sasha.
00:18:53
Speaker
We're too advanced of a human for him to see. Well, not human, you're a halfling, but, you know, humanoid creature. He's dressed in a balloon dinosaur outfit. Oh, I forgot. Oh, I forgot what you're wearing. We're trying to do diplomacy here with the local humanoids and you're fucking it up. Well, you know, I just thought that maybe if they saw like a friendly dinosaur, that maybe they wouldn't be so mean. Well, very clearly they are stupid. They're humans aren't being mean, they're being oppressed.
00:19:21
Speaker
Oh, I mean the dinosaurs. They'd be like, oh, look at that cute little dinosaur. She's so nice. Maybe we need to be nice too. Well, would you like, we have our communication link. Would you like to go to the city we see over there? You can try and do some dinosaur talking to people. And me and BX can go follow this fucking idiot to where his people live if they live somewhere in the woods or something. Well, I think they can do that. Yeah. There's some scouting in town for us and figure out what's going on.
00:19:51
Speaker
Yeah, I'll be the bestest dinosaur ever. Um, Sasha, I think Blubba wanted to go with you. But I don't know how to understand Blub Blub. Um, just, you know, tell him, I mean, he's basically like, just treat him like a house cat. Don't get on that. Get down from there. Um, don't put your mouth on that unless it's a dinosaur. Oh, you have a spray bottle with you? No, I don't like to get that on him. He's, it's not really. I watched a video on, on Goo Tube and said that it's not right.
00:20:19
Speaker
Ugh, fine. Let's go blub blub. Also, Sasha, make sure that you don't dig up some kind of ancient weapons again. That's very dangerous last time. Actually, well, it helped out a lot. Buzzkill!
00:20:32
Speaker
Blah, blah, blah. Before they go away, I go to blah, blah, blah, blah. He's probably as tall as me, but I kneel down like he's going to school. I start like, I pat his little gooey shoulders like, all right, blah, blah. Be good with Sasha. Be careful in the dinosaur city. Don't let anybody take advantage of you. They are not really trustworthy in this big city. It's like, you know, it's not just like the protosphere. And listen to Sasha. She knows what is best for you. Well, actually, keep an eye on Sasha, kind of, too. She tells you something really dumb to do. Don't do that, I guess.
00:21:09
Speaker
He pulls out from his gooey form.
00:21:13
Speaker
Uh, like a very gunked up, um, piece of cardboard that has like an outline of a monkey face on it with macaroni making the smile. Uh, and he hands it to you. Oh my, why did you not show me this sooner? Blah blah blah. It might get ruined down here. Oh man, this is great. Chorgan, can you suck? No, he's going to fuck it up. I'll keep it. I'll put it somewhere.
00:21:34
Speaker
Throw it in the ship and then we go after this guy. Thank you my son. Put it in BX's safe compartment. BX, can you put this in your chest cavity, please? I mean, if you open it, it's not really open and it's more complicated to store stuff in me.
00:21:55
Speaker
What? I threw the kapatman in your butts! And she like walks over and she slides the fucking tray out from his butt. This is only for cake, not for... I'm going to put my picture, this is very important to me now. Put it in there and close it. Be careful. Tell me the cake. Don't get hurt, BX, because if you do, my macaroni art from my son is going to get destroyed, and now we're very sad.
00:22:20
Speaker
So you need to protect me. Yes with my life. I will let out my life, but I'm the best I can do I'll protect you Let's follow this fucking idiot. That's really funny that he's like hey man. That was for cake He has like 8,000 compartments, but they're for very specific things that one's for peanuts that one's for cake this one's for thumbs thumbs only Good luck Sasha be careful I love you
00:22:51
Speaker
I love you too, Baxter. I'll see you later. No, I'm not going to be excited. Let's just go. All right. So, Sasha, you are headed towards the dino city with blub, blub and toe. You're both kind of like greenish, I guess. So blub, blub kind of fits in a little bit. And
00:23:18
Speaker
He kind of puts his arms out in front of him, his little nacho nose arms out in front of him, tries to imitate like your little T-Rex arms you have on your costume. And he's trying to blend in. And as you get closer into the city, you see that there are like...
00:23:35
Speaker
Like again, like as Justin described, like really tall, like silver and white buildings and stuff like that. Like you see, like there's a big old billboard, like in Times Square, like one of those big old light up. Um, I forget what they call those things, but they're pretty much electric billboards.
00:23:49
Speaker
Um, yeah, they're just big electrical billboards. Yeah. You see, you see, uh, doctor, what, what did, Adrian, what did you say? Profunktery Professor Stego. Professor Dr. Stego. Professor Dr. Stego. He's up there. He's got a, what, what does Professor Dr. Stego wear BX5? What does he look like? He wears a doctor's, uh, coat, like a white one. I hear there's nothing on the jacket.
00:24:18
Speaker
He's just wearing a white jacket. That's it. OK, nice. And he's got like he's like on all fours and he's got a jacket custom for him. And he has like these little apparatuses on his body. They're giving thumbs up.
00:24:28
Speaker
It just got a corn pop corn pop pipe in his mouth. Yeah, he's got he's got a corn cob pipe and a button nose and two eyes medical. And he he see him up on the big screen. It's like a big old banner that goes across his face and it says, never forget to thank Dr. Professor, Professor, Dr. Stego. What was his name again? Oh, Professor, Dr. Stego, Professor, Dr. Stego.
00:24:56
Speaker
for everything you have here.
00:24:59
Speaker
Um, and so, um, yeah, and you see that there's different, uh, flavors of dinosaurs, uh, cherry dinosaurs, strawberry dinosaurs walking around. Um, uh, different types is what I meant to say, not flavors, different types of dinosaurs. I mean, it could be handy. Whoa, these guys look amazing. Yeah, I was just leaning into the stupidness of what I said.
00:25:27
Speaker
Um, so yeah, you guys, you do that. You're, you're walking around, you see different flavors. Damn it. I said it again. Different kinds of dimes. Fuck me. Fuck. I don't mean to say flavors. I don't know why I'm saying flavors. Shit.
00:25:38
Speaker
Somebody hungry. Yeah, somebody wants some ice cream. So you see different box of dinosaurs walking around. There's a there's a dinosaur brothel. That's what you see. The dinosaur brothel there. And you see that there is a there is a diplacotic diplodial diplodial dangle kiss standing outside.
00:26:03
Speaker
Um, and they have like a metal arm and a metal leg and like, uh, like a little water pack on their back. And yeah, it says, uh, Matt Matt matching raw pits on it. Um, and among other businesses, where would you like to go though? You don't have to go to the brothel. That's just what my brain says there.
00:26:33
Speaker
Oh, I'm going to the brothel. What? I'm going to the brothel. Uh, detour to the brothel. Blub, blub. You're going to show blub, blub. Matching rabbits? This place looks amazing. I wonder, blub, blub, do they have, um, like, Roriquantes? I bet they do. Blub, blub. She runs in up to the, to the person with the metal arm.
00:27:02
Speaker
Welcome to matching raw armpits. My name is Flynn. I am the proprietor of this establishment and also the creature. How would you like to be pleasured this day? Do you guys have like raw contests here?
00:27:23
Speaker
Sure, we have something like that. I would say go in and ask for a Paley. Paley will show you the roaring contest.
00:27:34
Speaker
Hailey, oh, she sounds awesome. Yeah, she's hot. Oh, she sounds hot. I mean, so hot right now. Look at this booty. She starts doing like some little shaking of her little T-Rex booty. Wow, it's almost unnatural how jiggly that thing is. Wow. I know, right? Look at it. It's so beautiful. Are you looking for a job? We could call you, we could call you Wiggly.
00:27:57
Speaker
Oh, I wiggle the bestest. Blub, blub. Yeah, sure. And we'll call you Blubby, I guess. Too often in looks for daily.
00:28:12
Speaker
Um, uh, yeah, you walk in and there's a, there's a lot of neon colors in here. Um, and like some cool, like kind of abstract dino art and shit. And there's like one of like, um, a bunch of humans kind of like banded together to turn into a butt plug to go into a place of a dinosaur, um, stuff like that. Um, and you see that, uh, there was, there was a front desk in there.
00:28:40
Speaker
And you see a girl in there, a female dino. She's one of those little, I forget what they call them, but those, those really, really rinky dinky little guys are probably like a foot and a half off the ground. They look like little baby fucking like bipedal dudes. Yeah, I know exactly what we're talking about. I can't think of what they're called right now. They're called tinasauruses. And tinasauruses. And there's a tinasaurus that's on the desk and he's like, welcome back to the carpet. No, Robert, what can I do for you?
00:29:11
Speaker
Hi, so like I was told that there's like rowing contests in here and like I would like to sign up for that and also I like had a question for you. What's your question?
00:29:26
Speaker
So, like, I was wondering, like, what is up with all of your, like, lasers around town? I was, like, trying to figure out how to, like, do that at my house so that I could do, like, a laser show.
00:29:44
Speaker
And I noticed that there was some people around here that had like lasers on their heads and like some like robot arms and stuffs and like I was just wondering how you guys did that. I wouldn't know. I don't work on this stuff. I just work here at the front desk. All I know is that ever since we got those installed, those stupid humans can't come and bark at around our establishments anymore.
00:30:11
Speaker
Is there, like, somebody who, like, is in charge of all, like, a big company or something that did that? Because, like, I would really like to talk to them because they must have, like, the secret behind the best laser shows. You must not be from around here, Lola. I'm not. I just came into town just now. Oh, well, you're gonna want to
Cavemen and Dinosaur Conflict Escalates
00:30:32
Speaker
go talk to the great and fabulous Professor Dr. Steggo.
00:30:37
Speaker
Professor Dr. Staco? Okay, so I'll come back for the roaring contest later because that sounds amazing because I am the best Roarer in the whole world. Okay, can I at least get a little demonstration of Roar? Yes, all right. Are you ready? Roar!
00:31:03
Speaker
Oh my, that's so scary. I know, right? It freaks out when we make them have to watch later. I know, right? It's going to be so fun. I'll see you later, okay? Blub, blub. Oh, did you want to cry, little guy? Rawr! Oh, that's okay. Don't get there, little guy. We'll let you practice on the way to Dr. Professor Stego Man or something. Blub, blub.
00:31:31
Speaker
And she runs out. OK, so Dino Dino Sasha and Blub Blub run out. We got a BX five and Baxter one, almost Baxter two. You guys are doing what now? You're following the cavemen who ran away? They're following the cavemen. Cavemen. All right. He's very quick. He got out of dodge real quick because that dinosaur Sasha is so that Sasha wrecks. I want to use my monkey tree climbing abilities to jump from tree to tree, nimbly, bimbly like.
00:32:01
Speaker
Oh, wow, that sounds like an athletics role. Boy, howdy. Let me do it. Hold on. Oh, let's see if that ever works. He's trying to go, hey, me know what dino, me, me, me dino worship. Hey, idiot. We are, we sent the dinosaur away. We can, we're pretty good at fucking with the dinosaurs, bro. Me no want to be captured. Me no. I'm running so fast. Me no capture. We came up, BX.
00:32:29
Speaker
He stops after a few minutes of running, he gets tired again. You, you quick, you quick monk. I hang upside down from a tree in front of him. You're damn right I am, fucker. Um, where's your, where's your, where do you people like hide out when, uh, like, where's your, where's your like, um, where's your like shanty town? You have a shanty town or something you guys live in? Me no, no shanty town, but me no house. Oh, you have house? I thought you said you lost house. You have new shit house? I mean, it house, but with many,
00:32:59
Speaker
Many people then. All right, take me to many people. Are you ever like a leader? We know that word. What leader? Is there a person, is there someone like you, but smarter, bigger, stronger, who tell you what to do? Oh yes, you want meat brick.
00:33:16
Speaker
Oh, yeah. But yeah, let's talk to this. Yeah. He puts his hand, he puts his hand under his butt and shits out a perfect sphere and then holds it up because you want this get in. I sometimes do that, too. I didn't know. Yeah, you know, after I processed my cake in my processor, it comes out as a perfect sphere. I think I take it in my hand, I look at it and give it a sniff.
00:33:44
Speaker
That's pretty good. For a guy living in the wild, you know, struggling, you're just a pretty good poopy out there. I throw it in the woods. Yeah, me eat many. We the kiss marijuana kiss. That's great for you, buddy boy. All right, take us to your leader. Yes, we need to talk. We are aliens. Take us to your leader. You know Dino? We are N-O Dino. We do not K-N-O-W any dinos either.
00:34:11
Speaker
What's that KNO? That means no. KNO. And then, no, we are not dinosaurs. That's a cool name. Me want name. KNO. That sounds pretty, um, like tribal. That's pretty cool. Yeah. Oh, me thanks. You didn't have that before? No, me name. Me name whatever dino call. Oh, man, it's pretty fucked up society, ABX. It kind of is, yeah. Maybe we should just go dang if all of them names.
00:34:39
Speaker
Maybe we try it. All right, Prick, take me to see Prick. If only ProtexGull were here to give everybody names. He looks at you as you guys are walking, he kind of taps on your metal frame BX. He goes, what this? What you? You dino? I am BX5. I am here to save your people from the dinosaurs. You Rockman? No, not quite Rock, but something along the lines. Oh, me like, me lick?
00:35:26
Speaker
I'm so clean now.
00:35:35
Speaker
BX, I grabbed that guy's shit out of his hand and I still think what you did was gross. I could quit licking and lead us to prick your leader. Me teach you language of people. Oh, you fluent. You fluent in me language. I'm pretty smart, so I mean, it's pretty easy for me to pick up new language. Me pretty smart, too.
00:36:00
Speaker
You what? You flute in a language. Flute. Flute. Fluten. Fluten dog. OK, let's move on. He leads you guys to like essentially like a series of kind of bent over trees, like bent over palm like trees and fronds and stuff like that that have been just weighed down by rocks and stuff to create kind of like a bit of an arch.
00:36:27
Speaker
Almost like a dome almost, but it's not very big. It's probably maybe seven by seven. It's not a very large place. That's seven by seven feet, Adrian. I don't know how many meters that would be. I don't really care. Okay, just checking. It would be about the size of your room, Adrian. It is A size. Yeah. Probably two meters by two and a half meters or something. I don't know.
00:36:51
Speaker
Um, so you, um, you guys see that like, there's, um, like a couple of like big leaves that are covering up the front of it. And he pulls them out and he goes, hello, me home. Me have friend who say they killed Dino. And then people were on out. Me killed Dino. Who? No, he killed Dino. Me no killed Dino.
00:37:14
Speaker
And a bunch of different people of varying sizes and evolutions come out you see one You see a few come out that are very much pretty much chimpanzees still but just kind of a little less hair on them You see that there are some that are kind of more kind of knuckle draggers there are some that are kind of a little bit more kind of upright in there and
00:37:37
Speaker
The one that comes out last is this real big beefy boy that's fully Homo erectus. And he's a big, big boy with kind of milky tan skin and kind of like braids in his hair and some rocks that were hollowed out to kind of look like there's little beads and stuff in there. And he cracks his knuckles and he goes,
00:38:06
Speaker
He goes, well, hey, it's so nice to have visitors. What are you guys? Are you guys here to help us with the dino thing and get our jobs back? Yeah, Daddy. I go up to him and press my thumb knife in his hand. This is the weapon you need to take back this world from the dinos. Whoa, what is this? It's so tiny in my hands.
00:38:30
Speaker
It's a thumb knife, and if this you can cut off the thumbs of the dinos, then they will have no chance to use the weapons. Well, can I keep this?
00:38:38
Speaker
No, I want it back afterwards. Oh, okay. I thought it was a gift. There's something I didn't really bring up earlier, BX and Prick here. If we are going to truly de-evolve the entire dinosaur species, we also have to chop off the thumbs of all the baby dinosaurs and any child dinosaurs so they cannot also grow into adults. And then it's not really going to help any that get born after this. So maybe we don't chop all the thumbs off of everybody, but that's kind of fucked up.
00:39:08
Speaker
When did we care about doing fact-of-things, Biaxta?
00:39:12
Speaker
Yeah, maybe children. Wait, is that your plan? Are you guys you guys want to cut off all the thumbs of the of the dinos? You ran us out of town. Yes. To be honest with you, I'm sorry to blow your bubble, BX. I don't think that's really going to solve the problem. It could be a fun little thing we do during the thing, but I don't think it's chopping their thumbs off. It's going to stop just, you know, going to go right in the city. You find the bus diner there, cut his thumbs off and then the whole problem resolved.
00:39:42
Speaker
Hmm. Well, yeah, you know, I don't know if this is relevant information or not, guys, but they had learned to make lasers. I don't know if you guys know that, but they have guns that shoot like really hot rays of light at us. And they use one. They used a really big one to blow up a giant sky rock that was going to come and blow up the town. I mean, it's good. Oh, that's how they did. Because they were supposed to get extincted like on planet Earth. Do you know Earth PX?
00:40:11
Speaker
I do know. I have heard of it. Okay, we asked where I'm from. Kind of a shit play. They should have like did it again with the humans and blew them up too with a rock. But anyway, there's some guy made a flood and they didn't really take either. He let people live and fucking stupid idiot. That's god guy. Maybe we can, that'd be a cool way to try and do it too. We can have a comet come down and smash them and fucking, fuck it all up. But then you guys made time prick too.
00:40:38
Speaker
Do you want to do like a rain dance with like me to us? Yeah, I don't really know how. It would probably be a lot of moving parts. We probably have to go find like some sort of gravity, like giant gravity machine. Just scrap chugging me, man, and pretend he's a rock. You paint him gray.
00:41:13
Speaker
What's paint? I got a question for you. How far spread are these dinosaurs? We saw the big city. Have they expanded themselves beyond that on this planet, or what's the dealio here? All I know is we're not allowed in the big city, so I assume most of the jerk ones are there. Okay, maybe at BX, we maybe just go do a big bomb situation, blow up the whole city.
00:41:15
Speaker
I'm sorry, what are you guys talking about?
00:41:37
Speaker
That would probably, as you said, BX, you seem pretty keen on doing terrible things to children and babies. That would probably kill the children and baby dinosaurs as well, so I mean... I mean, if that's commission, then we gotta do it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, we're not... We just want our jobs back. We just want our homes back. What are you talking about? What?
00:41:58
Speaker
Well, there needs to be, there needs to be balance is what I'm telling you, me fella. And um... And balance is only achieved by completely annihilating one side. We're time cops, basically, and there's a lot of moving parts involved here. Roll persuasion against brick. I'm not actually trying to persuade you, I'm just kind of partially being an asshole.
00:42:20
Speaker
Uh, I mean, that's a five. I mean, if you think that's what's best, I mean, we weren't, we just wanted them to stop shooting. Giant light at us so we could go have our houses, our jobs back. Well, at least want to try and kill a couple. I want to have a little bit of a fuss. Why I came here. I want to have a fight with the dinosaur with a laser gun. Totally. Yeah. Some of them deserve to just get their, their, their, their dicks cut right off. Thumbs. Thumbs. Right.
00:42:46
Speaker
But I mean, we kind of did the whole political uprising thing once before, and it was kind of good not to do it violently, but I kind of wanted to do it violently, a little bit more pleasing. Sometimes it's just a violent phase. Maybe we tried to make them see the error of their ways. I don't know. It was a lot of work the last time to try and convince people.
00:43:05
Speaker
I just went to like 20 minutes, you know, kind of breeze through it. We did we last time with those balloons. You see KNO is like, he's like, these, these have dino friend. They make dino friend. They slave dino. They enslave all dino. Right? Enslave dino? Yeah. I actually sent, I told that dinosaur because it does a lot of bidding. I said, go to the town and do some reconnaissance for us. And it's going to, she's going to go over there and find out what's going on in the town for us. And she's going to report back on the radio. Watch this.
00:43:36
Speaker
Sasha, do you have any news to report? Or? So like, I found out that like all of a sudden the professor doctor guy like showed into town. And then like, then that's when all the lasers happened. Thank you. Don't forget to say over when you're not over.
00:44:00
Speaker
I love you. So we just need to find this professor doctor guy and then eliminate him over. That you talking to Sasha over? Yes. I mean, that's what it sounds like. But like, I'm already on the way there. Well, damn, we'll be careful over. I got this. Don't even worry. Blub blub over.
00:44:27
Speaker
Bye. Bye. Well, looks like you guys have any sort of vehicle or like gliders you've made out of the skins of animals you've killed? We have Ford Raptor. Oh, damn. Well, show us the way, brother. Let me go get it. And he runs out and he runs over to like another little like hovel made of sticks. And then he walks in. He walks out like a little Raptor. It's probably like maybe four feet high.
00:44:58
Speaker
Uh, and he's all green and painted with purple stripes and shit. And he goes, this me Ford Raptor, his name Ford. Hey, you got some, you subjugated some dinosaurs too. Pretty good, man. Good job. No, he might, he me friend. He only good friend. Oh, well, um, do you mind if I ride him into town? Uh, that's okay. Make sure to guess it up first. Um, all right. Or make sure to return with full tank of gas.
00:45:26
Speaker
Do you want to join us? Take your homos back or do you want to stay here? Oh, I am not a fighter. I know my wonderful physique may lead you to believe that I enjoy cracking butts as well as these nuts. But I got to tell you, I've had a lot of time to reflect and I just realized I am not a violent homo sapient.
00:45:50
Speaker
Well, there's a lot of people, Jim, that little cabin you got there. I mean, we could do a sit- we did a sit-in the last time and it worked pretty well. I don't know. I'm not a violent homo anything. You know, no sapien.
00:46:06
Speaker
No, you know, I just I'm just not a or no no erectus. That's all right. That's fine. Would you know what? We'll walk. Put your wrap. I don't want to get shot. You know who might want to help you fight? Who's always just been itching. We actually usually have to tie him down with some with some seaweed because he's always trying to get up to no good. Yeah. You want to meet Neander Paul? Oh, you had me. You had me. You have to tie him down. Yeah, brother. Show me how we this freak. The reason I asked is that I would like my knife back if you're not going to fight.
00:46:37
Speaker
No, I I just was gonna use this to help get my toenails a little bit better. But um knife is too important to use in toenails Oh, hey guy. Oh, yeah. No here. So of course here take it back. I appreciate the thought though I Love your shiny skin. By the way, what's your skincare routine?
00:46:54
Speaker
And, you know, that's like the skin care routine that I watched on Paris Schmeckle's YouTube channel. And I really showed my spindues some leashes. Don't even show their beards. Oh my god, okay. See, Louise. Show us to the Paul guy. And Neander Paul, he's right over here. Leish him.
00:47:13
Speaker
And you walk over and there is Probably like he's only like three foot tall He's definitely still mostly hairy on the arms on the legs and maybe in the chest area His face is mostly clean aside from like a little beardy thing going on Spraggly little hair He says this is neanderpaul He he just always wants to rip shit up. So, you know, just be careful when you When you know when you take him places because he's really uncouth and doesn't really do well around people
00:47:42
Speaker
Why don't we tie him down with seaweeds and various vines and things like that? Whenever we can get our hands on, yeah. We'll give me some of that. We'll lash him to a little harness. We'll keep him a little leash, and if we need to fuck shit up, we'll untether him and let him... We'll unchain him and let him loose. How about we take him, then drop him off somewhere so he can cause a distraction, and then you'll go to this Professor Doctor guy?
00:48:10
Speaker
Put him on a leafy doe so he doesn't run away from us. Yeah, sounds good. Yeah, here's here's what we got so far and he hands you like a little string of seaweed and vines and miscellaneous like rubbery rised woods and stuff like that. And then he says, all right, now, Paul, are you going to behave for these nice people? They're trying to help us get our livelihoods back. He's like, yes, God, just let me out. Fuck.
00:48:35
Speaker
He's okay, he seems like he's okay. He releases the restraints and the enderpaw gets up and he kind of like just brushes himself off a bit and adjusts his loincloth a little.
00:48:49
Speaker
Um, he says, um, okay. So like, uh, we doing this or what? Let's go. Yeah, let's go fuck some dinosaurs. That's dinosaurs. Hey buddy. Hold on a second. Paul. Um, let me, uh, are you going to pull something out? Paul, hold on. What'd you do there? Oh yeah. I was just wanting to show you any shotguns of beer. Oh, cool. Um, I got, I got an idea for you, Paul. Orbeez, uh, hello Orbeez. Hey.
00:49:16
Speaker
Hey Orby, Paul, what do you want? A gun? A smashing weapon? I'm going to order it off of Amazon. I don't know. A blade, a spear. Do you have anything that just would make things flat? A big freaking giant smashing hammer or something?
00:49:39
Speaker
I don't know what a hammer is, but sure, let's see it. Orby, find that the most mid-range price middle quality hammer for this guy to use, big, big hammer. You forgot to phrase your question as a question.
00:49:56
Speaker
That's not how you did. That was part of the thing, Orby. Orby, can you please go to Glamazon.com and you order us a hammer of medium range quality and price and have it immediately teleport delivered. I'll pay extra for the immediate teleportation delivery. That'll cost you 95 Darby bucks. Oh, that's fine. That's pretty good. You found me a good deal there. Good job, Orby. Thank you. Oh, you're welcome. I'm here to serve. I'm here to help. Thank you. You're damn right you are.
00:50:25
Speaker
Bleep, bleep, blarp, blarp. And the fucking thing comes crashing down beside you guys and out pops whatever it is that you asked for. I just remembered what I got from the store last time. I forgot what you got. What did you get? I got myself a personal chef. He bought a person. Oh yeah, he did. That's where I get a chef. I fucking forgot all about that chef. Jesus Christ. I don't remember anything about them at all. You bring her down in the middle of dinosaur combat.
00:50:55
Speaker
They have a name maybe was it chefy? I can't remember my natural name Well, don't make me remember it cuz I don't remember new dry There you go buddy take this up and What does a hammer look like? It's probably just like a pretty standard sledgehammer
00:51:22
Speaker
Oh, it's a sledge. Okay, cool. He goes, Oh man, this club is so cool. He just starts fucking swinging it around instantly, like helicoptering with it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy. I love that energy. He clocks one of the monkey people like that are like one of the lesser evolved, like just like breaks her neck. I love it, but save it for save it for when we say something with scale. I can't stop, dude. I'm just going to spin towards town.
00:51:51
Speaker
All right, he's a bit of a wild one. I'm sorry about that It's all right as long as he gets the job done even he's gonna go up there and smash something I suppose I'm gonna go get him on a leash cuz he's not gonna quit He didn't give me one but I'm kind of I'm kind of cool with seeing where he goes, you know what he gets All right
00:52:13
Speaker
Uh, so he continues tornadoing towards back towards town as you, uh, as, as, uh, after you get him his hammer or he's like, is there anything else that you require from me today? Uh, that's it. Or we go back to sleep. Okay, cool. Um, and you get to sleep. Let's get back to Sasha rocket. Sasha rocket. You're, you're doing what now? I forgot already. Um, she was like going to find the professor doctor guy.
00:52:40
Speaker
Dr. Professor Stego. Well, he's easy to find. All signs point to Dr. Professor, Professor Dr. Proctor Stego. And you see as you're walking through town, there's a bunch of cool little shops and game stores and recreational facilities and stuff like that. You see like there's a big old tennis court where a couple of T-Rexes are trying to play tennis and they have extra long rackets so they can hit the ball.
00:53:10
Speaker
And you see as you're as you're running through town, you get a lot of whistles that you like. Hey, hey, hey. Wiggle, wiggle. Oh, my God.
00:53:26
Speaker
And you hear some female dinos that are like, who does she think she is? What a batch. We don't like her already. You're going to love me in a few seconds. As you walk past a guy and a girl that are coupled together and they walk past, and then the guy turns around and goes, oh, damn, as he watches you. And then the girl turns and looks at him and is like, what the fuck?
00:53:56
Speaker
So, you know, somebody takes a picture of it and they put a bunch of memes of you guys on their internet. So what do you do? She's going to go up to the doctor's office and she's going to like, bling it open and she's going to go up to the receptionist and she's going to be like, hi there, like, I'm like Swasha and I was like hoping to see the doctor.
00:54:25
Speaker
You see receptionist as a cute little triceratops lady with some cute blonde hair and some little arm apparatuses that she's using to write a bunch of notes. And she says, oh, hello, like Sasha, I don't know if he has an appointment available. So let me check the books, shall I?
00:54:50
Speaker
It wasn't so much of like an appointment. I just had like a question. Well, all questions can be sent via the mail or to our direct email. Would you like our office's email? No, I mean I'd like to talk to him directly, really. Well, I am checking the appointment book and he's booked up until February.
00:55:17
Speaker
Right, would you like a pencil and an appointment for February? That's too far. I would like to see him, like, I'm just gonna go in, it's fine, and she just starts walking in. Oh, ma'am, please, you and your other green friend, it's not, it's not, he might be busy doing other things. It's fine. Alright. Alright, I was on my lunch break when you went up there, okay?
00:55:45
Speaker
So you see an elevator and you see some stairs. Which do you take? Definitely the elevator. Right, you get on and you see it goes all the way up to floor 9.9. What floor do you go to? Let's see, she gets in and she goes to the highest one that she can reach.
00:56:08
Speaker
The highest one that you can reach. Like Blub Blub tries to climb on top of you to reach higher numbers. It's like Blub Blub Blub Blub Blub Blub. Teamwork wise you can probably reach floor 8. Oh to the 8 number. Okay let's go to 8. Hit the 8 button Blub Blub.
00:56:42
Speaker
Squeeze in and like as the door goes to shut, you see like a long claw like stops it from shutting. And then you see a bipedal Wolverine also gets on. I don't know if they existed, but that's OK. It's a different universe. They also get on and the door goes to shut. And then you see a tail stops the door and opens up. And you see weirdly another halfling person. In a dinosaur costume.
00:56:46
Speaker
bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla bla
00:57:11
Speaker
and gasps and robot. And they get on and their face is pretty obscured through like the black cloth in the mouth of the dinosaur outfit. And then they just see that just kind of like linger on you for a second. And then they then they climb in and they squish it up against the ankle of sources and then they shut the door. You guys all right in silence up the rest of the way to floor eight.
00:57:38
Speaker
So, like, is there, like, a really hot spot around here that we could, like, go and, like, hang out sometime? You look like you're very, like, strong and capable. She's talking to the Wolverine guy. Oh, I mean... I mean, the pool. There's the hot springs in the pool. They're really nice this time of year. I mean, you wouldn't be interested in going to that with me. That's a dinosaur wouldn't want to go to the Wolverine to it. Come on, I could fucking around with me.
00:58:08
Speaker
No way. You're so handsome and look at you. You're so... I bet you you could lift a lot of things. Oh, Ivy, whatever. And he starts like swinging his little claws around a bit just to kind of like flex and like, oh, come on, guy. What are you doing? Then he accidentally gets one of his claws caught in your little balloon outfit. Oh, ouch. Oh, I'm so sorry. And you hear, wee.
00:58:33
Speaker
He's like, well, you're flying here. Oh, God, I hate those things. Who here? Shit in the elevator again. Come on. You gross. What date is off? Oh, no, that wasn't me. Come on. No. Oh, man. Who dropped the dookie and blamed it? I wasn't me. We're stuck in here anyway for another few floors. Let's just come on. Give me another chance. God, that B is getting really loud.
00:59:01
Speaker
God that is annoying. Is it a fire alarm? I'm not sure. Like she's all like going over to the like where the buttons are and she's all like hitting the button like, hurry up, hurry up. See, blub blub like Hoxa Lugia where the whole is. Thanks, blub blub.
00:59:24
Speaker
You know, it's like a temporary patch, like you're like partially deflated on your left side a little bit. I think I'm having a stroke, guys. I got to get to the doctor. Oh, everybody make some room. And you see the you see the the other tiny person in the dinosaur office, like, rawr, I'm a doctor. Oh, are you like the stego guy that I've seen on the like billboards or whatever?
00:59:52
Speaker
Rawr, nope. No, no, nope. That's not me. I'm a doctor from this world. I'm a doctor. Oh, um, well, I was looking for the other doctor, but like, I'll see Alita. She takes over. And you get the four ages runs out.
01:00:12
Speaker
Yep. And you see the you see the other one in the costume like runs behind you and blub blub as you're bolting towards the stairs to head up to the next level. He's like, he's like, wait, what are you doing? Stop. And they're like chasing you up the stairs trying to get to you before you get to floor nine point nine. Can you stop? Nope.
01:00:34
Speaker
So while you're sprinting all the way up there, he's running behind you and then you see a big red velvety looking floor, carpet, gold line, walls and ceilings, vaulted ceilings. And you see the whole floor is just this guy's office and way down at the very end of the hall, flanked by probably
01:00:57
Speaker
I'd say probably like five on each side triceratopses and ankylosauruses that are like dressed in like these really nice kind of armors like red and yellow armors and stuff like that standing there at attention. You see like the ankylosauruses are holding their tails in their hands like clubs. Cool. And you see there is somebody sitting in a chair across from this guy with the corncob pipe and the white jacket.
01:01:26
Speaker
And you hear like, please, please, I really need this small business to take off. And he's like, I don't care very much for your small business. We have plenty of tiny businesses. I want a big one. The biggest, like again, he says then be gone from you wench. And then one of the triceratops is like picks picks up this little turtle lady, uh, up onto their three horns and like starts walking her out towards the front door towards you guys.
01:01:56
Speaker
What do you do, Sasha? Uh, hi, I'm Sasha. Who are you talking to? Are you talking across the room? Yeah, like across the room. They all look like ching, ching, ching, ching, ching, ching. And he's like, I do not have a blood blub or a Sasha on my docket for the day. Please remove yourselves before we throw you out the window.
01:02:21
Speaker
Well, see like I'm like famous and stuff and so like I figured like, you know You would want to see me anyways and like I just had like a quick question anyways So like it's fine, you know, like it was just gonna be like a few minutes of yet sign Why would I do that when there are people booked all the way through February to come to see me I
01:02:45
Speaker
Well, because they're not as famous as I am, I could pay you, like, lots of money for whatever you need, you know what I'm saying? Like, but I just had, like, some questions about your, like, lasers and stuff like that, because, like, I have- LASERS PASTRATION. Because, like, I have, like, this party coming up, and, like, I feel like your laser part- like, lasers would be perfect for my party, and I got a five. All right, you got two minutes to tell me about how you can give me lots of money.
01:03:15
Speaker
Everyone make sure that the turtle of a tortoise, the tortoise has been removed. And who is your other dinosaur friend there? You're a little rapture friend behind you. Um, this is like my friend Blub Blub and like, um,
01:03:34
Speaker
See, he and I, we're like best friends and like we were going to have like a birthday party. And so like, that's why we needed your lasers because like we're going to do like a laser show because he will not tell anybody this, but he's like the best DJ in the world. And he's just so modest. He won't tell everybody that, but we just pick it like with your laser.
01:04:01
Speaker
Excuse me, child. A simple, this is blub blub, would do. What is wrong with you? What's wrong with you? I'm talking about the I'm talking about the raptor standing in the doorway awkwardly trying to whisper to you. Oh, I don't know who that is. I never saw that guy before. Don't go in there. Just come back here. There's nothing. Just come out here. Don't go in there. Should I have this guy removed?
01:04:28
Speaker
No, I think he just has a crush on me. It's okay. I, I must still like, you know, shaking my booty just a little too hard on the way here. It's fine. I'll go talk to him. Yeah, I know. When, when you've got like a booty like that just goes pop, it just happens. One time my booty popped so hard, I shit all over my bed. She walks over to the raptor in the doorway. That's when I knew to become a doctor.
01:05:00
Speaker
Like, what are you guys doing here? This is our turf. What are you talking about, turf? You're the forkers? Yeah? Well, we're also forkers. We're just from a different subsection from the Chronosphere. What are you doing here? This is our turf. We're trying to stop this guy from, like, running the cavemans all the way.
01:05:23
Speaker
Well, we already have a plan, and we really like what the dinosaurs are doing, so we're gonna go and help eliminate the rest of the underdeveloped humans. What are you doing here? That's rude! Why would you do that? Oh, what are you doing? You're trying to do something with the lasers, I imagine? Yeah, I'm trying to, like, stop them, because they need to be nice and hug everybody.
01:05:47
Speaker
No, uh, that's crazy. We were told that we were supposed to find balance, and if there's only one superior race here, then that's the balance. How does that make any sense to you? Like, everything's gotta be, like, you know, equals. Because I don't think the humanoids are supposed to be here yet. But, like, that's what balance is for, is, like, everybody is equal. Well, but I mean, like, in the timeline, I don't think the humanoids are supposed to be here yet.
01:06:17
Speaker
So we're gonna eliminate them? That way everything's all hunky-dory. We're gonna be heroes. That's just... That's just the weirdest thing I've ever heard. What are you even talking about? You gotta have people so that we could like, you know, still exist. Oh wait, you're the stupid one of the group, huh? I heard about you, uh, Rocket Girl, right? You do not call me stupid, sir. I am very smart. Thank you very much. She slaps him. Right, of course. Ow! Come on, don't... You're gonna pop my costume.
01:06:48
Speaker
I see you're kind of deflated. Good show, by the way. Oh, my God, you were so annoying. Fine. I'll get out of here, but I still want my laser show. And she points back at the doctor. She's like, you can come and talk about lasers. I want to know how to make money. Shall I have this vagrant removed?
01:07:09
Speaker
No, he's fine. It's just my ex-boyfriend. I just didn't recognize him right away. He's just like obsessed with me, but it's fine. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever. Yeah, you wish. Anyways, I'll come back in just a minute. Just a second. She starts kicking his butt. What the fuck? You fucking asshole. You're an asshole. I hate you. You're a fucking asshole.
01:07:34
Speaker
I hate you guys. No, I fucking hate you. So as you're having that scuffle, it's going to be X5 and Baxter. Baxter, your friend, Deander Paul is swinging a hammer in a big old circle, spinning around towards the city. What do you do?
01:07:53
Speaker
This is pretty convenient, baby. He's kind of clearing the path through the jungle for us to get to the city. Yeah, we're seeing the same thing. It's like a wonderful one. It's like a wonderful one to the city. Yeah, it's kind of a nice little nature walk we're having here. Did you see that really colorful bird up there in the trees? Colorful bird, colorful bird. Aw, shit, man. I think it repeats what you say. Repeat what you say. Repeat what you say. Oh, hey, man. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. What's the bird call again that repeats things we say? Repeat the thing you say.
01:08:22
Speaker
On planet Earth, there's parrots that do that. Oh, yeah, parrots, right. I forgot about that. Yes. All right, parrots, I forgot about that. Well, let's keep moving. Let's keep moving. Let's keep moving. And it starts flying alongside you. I shoot that thing with your gun. Yes. Shoot that thing with your gun. Shoot that thing with your gun.
01:08:43
Speaker
Where's my shooty thing? Where's my shooty thing? I'm, I'm BX5, I'm dumb. Oh. He didn't say that, you fucker. He's gonna mind him his own. That's 13 damage on the bird. Jesus Christ, you fucking blast that fucking bird into oblivion. Oh my God. There's a bunch of little green and purple feathers just come raining from the sky. Um, and then, uh. Hopefully they won't keep any feathers.
01:09:13
Speaker
And you hear, whoa, that was fucking crazy, dude. Hey, hey, let's talk more chopping, buddy. Keep spinning. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He keeps spinning wrecking trees and stuff as he goes down. You think Sasha's all right? We haven't talked back for her yet, so I imagine she's some, you know, probably does, you know, probably, she's probably found some like weird berries she could eat or like, she's like talking to some squirrels or like a radio. Sounds very much like her thing to do. Yes.
01:09:39
Speaker
probably gonna get there if she's like done nothing productive at all yeah I worry about what she's doing with blub blub you guys make it into the city and you see all the things I described to Sasha that are in the city but now as you guys are walking in you see
01:09:58
Speaker
Like this dude is like smashing up fucking like he's creating like such a high wind vortex with his constant spins They're like he's shattering windows as he goes past them And you see immediately there's like a couple of ankylosaurus as I come running out like whoa hey no humans past this perimeter, sir Hey
01:10:16
Speaker
You know what they say? You fuck around with how society is supposed to work and broken glass. What happened last time we broke glass, guys? Hey, you better not walk on that glass, buddy. There was a lot and then there was a revolution and then I don't remember. Give me that monkey macaroni picture.
01:10:36
Speaker
Shakes out of your butt. I open my butt and I give it to him. I hold it up like that and let me be that guy who holds up stupid signs. I'm like, beware the communist monkey. You got to let humans be humans, bro.
01:10:49
Speaker
And then you see the ankylosauruses pull out laser guns from their backs. I walk over to BX, I'm like, carefully BX, put this back in your butt and it goes up, please. And I pull back, pull my molecular sword out. I'm going to go first, Fums. I'm going to go first, Fums.
01:11:12
Speaker
Yes. Okay. Well, Baxter's first in the turn order for this particular bastard. There's two ankle sources. I got to do a card for Neander Paul as well. I'll put it over here. I'm sorry. Neander Paul. You know, when Neander Paul goes first, actually, I lied. He's just spinning. He's got some momentum going. He's ready to... Yeah. He's just continuing to spin and spin and spin. He's like, it's time. It's time for the time's time. I got to come up with something better. He's like, woo. And he starts spinning around and he's going to do... I'm just going to use...
01:11:43
Speaker
These guys, he's not a wild card, he's just a little shit, so. We'll just have him do a fighting role as well. He misses totally completely. Fucking just like, just kidding. He gets to swing and swing and swing. And that fucking hammer, he lets go of it and it goes fly and fucking like across the room and you hear, oh god, he's dead, as it smashes to a building through the other side. And he's like, ah, man. You got somebody there, I guess.
01:12:12
Speaker
Now go and use your fists. Sweet. I'm going to run up and I'm going to try and jump on the head of one of them and kick, kick, kick with my foot. Are you going to do a jump and kick? Yeah. I want to do a kick, kick, kick. I want to do more like a kick where I'm like jump kicking off of his head so I can get higher up so I'll be keyed up to like come down again later and slash him.
01:12:35
Speaker
Okay, so let's make that then just uh, I guess that's You're kind of running technically savage rules. That'd be two actions because running is one, but I don't like that rule So we're just gonna call that one action. We're just gonna call it an athletic. Yeah, rule of cool, baby Yeah, rule of cool always beats rules as written
01:12:53
Speaker
And what, what am I wrong? Fighting athletics, athletics. Okay. Yeah. 15. Uh, yeah, you do that thing. You run up, you scare you up. I'm like a goddamn bill, a constrictor, and then fucking jump off that motherfucker. You're up in the air now for a while for this turn. I guess. Nice pause. Pause me there. And then he goes, wow. Um, the X five you're up.
01:13:21
Speaker
I'm gonna... How many are there? There's just two. Okay. I'm gonna run up to both of them and cut one of their thumbs off. At least I'm trying to. You're gonna run up and try to cut... I'm gonna call that a minus three because thumbs are a little bit harder to pinpoint than larger parts of the body. If you're gonna try to swing a fighting roll, it'll be a minus three to pass their parry. Whoa.
01:13:48
Speaker
That's a 9. Minus 3, which is a 6. And a 6. Which is a 3. Why are you rolling two fighting rolls? Because I'm attacking both of them. Do you get dual with melee attacks as well? Yeah, for additional action, it's like a robot thing. Oh, is it? Yeah.
01:14:12
Speaker
I don't know I haven't looked at any of your fucking skills to know if any that is real or if you're doing anything appropriately So I don't fucking all I know is he has in for a vision and I've enhanced reflexes
01:14:23
Speaker
Additional action you just wrote this being a sexual appendages He may ignore two points of multi-action penalties each turn. Okay, cool. Perfect. Great. All right, then you do that So I don't know if you declared that you're going to punch both of them or you're just trying twice up to both them and I'm gonna cut the tough ones Okay, so you do you cut off their thumbs? Are you are you while you land the attack on the thumb? So now you have to roll your damage to see if you do enough damage to cut off the thumb. I
01:14:53
Speaker
That's seven, and you said it's double, so that's 14. That's true. I did say that. Double damage on thumbs. That's 14 on one. He literally typed in thumb knife. What a fucking nerd. All right, roll your damage for your second thumb knife.
01:15:12
Speaker
That's a freak. That was six. So you definitely chop off thumbs of one of them. Well, at least I'm going to say a thumb of one of them. They have two thumbs. Yes. You chop off the thumb of the one. I'm going to assume that his gun hand. And so he drops his little laser on the ground. We're all not cool, dude. What the fuck?
01:15:33
Speaker
And the other one's like, oh, oh, oh, yeah, that's a little cut into my scales. Oh, man, that's gonna burn every time I wash my hands with hand sanitizer. You now have an ankylosaurus thumb. First you want to see toes and I want to see your thumbs.
01:15:58
Speaker
So, and he's pretty banged up. You've wounded him pretty hardcore. So, I'm gonna roll for these guys now. The Ankylos, it's their turn. One has to roll to un-shake from that terrible thing that happened. He did not do it. He's just taken aback by the fact that his Ankylo thumb, he just got this thumb. He just evolved to it. And it's already been chopped off.
01:16:23
Speaker
Um, and the other one's like, Oh, thank you, Terry. Um, and he's going to try to shoot you. He's going to try to shoot you BX five whenever he's got a big old fucking laser gun. Oh, that is a four to shoot. That is legit. I don't have, um, legit to quit. I don't have a laser guns queued up for what that damage would be, but I like to imagine it's, uh, probably four D six damage.
01:16:52
Speaker
That's a lot of rules. He might be dead. I think he might be okay. I'm about four. Holy fuck. That dude's a good Adrian. You're dead. Adrian's got a high... Well, don't shoot me with one of them. I ain't got a high enough. Adrian, BX5 has high damage threshold, I think. Laser rifle has 3d6 of damage. Well, this one does 4d6 of damage. I just already rolled it. Dinosaurs are mad. They got advanced dinosaur laser guns. They do four. We actually have more damage than we thought. I have 12 toughness.
01:17:21
Speaker
So you have been shaken. So that's pretty good. So you're not you're not super hard. He just blast you and kind of knocks you backwards a little bit with the force of the laser gun. I imagine it's like my feet are still standing like on the ground, but my body is actually on the ground. Oh, you hear like a little bit of like crumpling as like the cardboard Mac, you hear like some of the macaroni falls loose from the thing in your back or in your butt as like you got shaken a little bit and it goes in your butt.
01:17:49
Speaker
Oh, no, you're just here. But you're nuts and bolts falling apart. I don't have anything else. Damage back there. Yeah, I just because I forget how like multi shots work and like machines guns, I'm just going to say these are more like shotgun laser guns. It just goes, oh, it's go just because I don't feel like looking that up right now. All right. So we go with cats again. Oh, dang. Fucking Neander Paul got a fucking joker.
01:18:17
Speaker
Nice he is a jokester that guy crazy though everybody gets a Benny everyone in the party plus two on anything he wants to do so he's gonna try to do I'm just floating up in the air Seconds, but I'm like, I'm still up in the air. I do have a jet pack So I guess I'm like, yeah, you're like up in here and you're like, I better not have heard that something break inside of you
01:18:46
Speaker
So he's going to try to trip the one with a gun with a tripping action. So I'm going to have him roll a strength roll against this guy to see if he can do it. And he gets a plus one against the role. Whoa. Or plus two, I mean, with the with the Joker. That's an 11 versus that guy. And the other guy has to roll. I'm going to have him roll. Damn, Paul. Let's call it we'll call it athletics to try to keep himself upright.
01:19:16
Speaker
Um, fuck. He rolls a four. He doesn't have a wild die. So yeah. Fucking Neander Paul uses joker action and fucking does like a sweet, sweet ass, uh, like a scorpion mortal combat fucking scissor takedown with his feet. Fucking some jujitsu style shit, but beyond fucking this thing falls in a loud thud on the ground. He goes, yeah. Um, and that's his turn. He did his thing. Um, the X five. You got a King. I got a King.
01:19:49
Speaker
I'm going to shoot the one on the ground.
01:19:57
Speaker
And then we're going to use my thumb knife on the one that's standing like. You're going to try to cut off his other thumb? Yes. Oh, my God. Is this somebody's borderline torture? Jesus Christ, this is pathological. Fucking OK, so you're going to shoot the one on the ground with your laser gun. I'm just going to say roll your damage. Ain't no way he's going to avoid that. He's on a great trip.
01:20:26
Speaker
That's 10 damage. That's 10 damage. You shake them up real good. These guys have a pretty high threshold because they're big old chunky Ankylios. But you shake them up real good. It goes, oh god, it hurts so bad. Oh my scales. And then you're going to try it too. It's going to be a minus three to cut the other guy's thumb. That's seven. Seven minus three.
01:20:50
Speaker
You don't hit the thumb, BX5. You miss it. Because I really need that thumb. That's a 13. That's a 13. You hit the thumb, BX5. Is it the same guys the first time? Yes. Poor guy. He's taking the other thumb. That's 10 damage. 10 damage. He was already hurt from the first time. You cut his thumb off and he just lets out like a really loud
01:21:20
Speaker
fucking just horrific scream and then just drops to his knees and just as his thumbs bleed all over him, he just kind of passes out from blood loss. And you took one down, BX5. Good job, you freak. That's how we save this planet. And the other one's on the ground. He's going to do like a breakdance spin and spin his giant ankylo club tail and try to take you all out. Well, technically, backs are still in the air, so he's fine.
01:21:49
Speaker
But he's going to try to take Neander Paul and BX5 out with his spin move. I guess I'm just going to make that into... I guess it'll be a fighting role, but he's spinning. I'm just going to say it's you guys... You know what? I'm going to make you have to dodge it. I'm going to do that. How about that? Let's have you guys do... I'll do a roll for that.
01:22:10
Speaker
Let's have it be agility to see how well you guys dodge the The the role and we're gonna say cuz you guys are right up on them I'm gonna say it's gonna be at a minus one for both of you. Okay, that's a six He rolls at a minus one you yeah, he was nice there agent 16. Well, that's not his that's the other guys But he doesn't have a lot of dice. So but he rolls just enough to avoid the tail And it would have been really cool, but he missed
01:22:40
Speaker
So, and then Baxter, you're up. You're up in the air, literally. I want to imagine, since, uh, uh, I'll make it a little, make more sense. Even though it's been a quick succession of things happening here, I grabbed onto like the side of the building they just came out of. And, um, is that guy standing up now? Are they still laying? That guy who did the spinny thing. Spinny guy.
01:23:01
Speaker
He's probably, I'm sorry, I muted myself for a second. He's probably still on his knees from spinning around and trying to sweep people. I'm going to say to him, hey, buddy, just back down, pal. You see, we already reduced your friend to a lump without thumbs on the ground over there.
01:23:20
Speaker
Um, I'm up here. I'm going to, I'm going to throw this damn sword into your top of your head. If you don't chill out. Um, Oh, clearly who you fighting and who you dying for today, bro. Dr. I see this poster here. Dr. Stego man. Who's that fucking guy? Huh? Who's our fearless leader. And he got all of the, all of the humanoids out of town. What's why, why you got to get them all out of town, bro? I say bro a lot now, bro. Because they, because they're, they don't fit in with the way of our society.
01:23:51
Speaker
Well, I mean, I know you're just one random guy, but why? I mean, why not, dude? Because everything we have is big and they're all little. Well, I mean, let them like have their own like that. I mean, you know, they can they can still fit here, dude. Nope. I disagree. I'm Richard Nixon now.
01:24:12
Speaker
I was going to intimidate you to make you not fight me anymore. I don't really like you, so I'm just going to go ahead and throw my molecular sword at the top of your head. All right, go ahead and roll a fighting roller. I forget what we said for that. I think we used fighting or athletics or agility or something. Let's make it athletics.
01:24:31
Speaker
Throwing style. I fucked it. I'm going to do a Benny on that one. He's a Benjamin. He did get a free one from the Joker. I fucked it again. He sure did. I'm like, I throw it. Damn it. Hey, you ever think about backing down or something? You ever think about backing down or something after you see my cool yo-yo tricks?
01:25:01
Speaker
Do I look like some sort of, uh, no one calls me yellow. That's what he says. Um, and he says, I don't need this. And he tries to run away. Um, which has to go get back up. I need to call for back up. Uh, and he leaves. He runs away from you guys. Uh, that was the stupidest interaction we ever had. BX pick up that guy's rifle. That's really fucking good. Use that instead of your pistol.
01:25:25
Speaker
I want to try and shoot the guy who's running away. Go ahead, go for it. He's going to be a tough shot because he's a running, running, running like a constipated wiener dog. And the back of his shell is to you. And the back of his big old lump. You miss, it bounces off the hard part of his shell and goes, bink! And you go, you're an idiot, you're dumb.
01:25:47
Speaker
Everybody about there. It's not worth it, BX. Like, what are we going to do? Kill all the little grunts on the ground? Convince all the little guys in the town? What I should do is hack into, like, the computer systems and, like, start on all these big advertisement screens. I should start, like, telling them I should start spottin' propaganda. Yeah, Neander Paul's like, yeah, do that. I don't know. Isn't a propaganda what a British person does when they want to look at something really closely? How do you know what a British person is? Shut the fuck up, Paul. You don't know shit. I take a propaganda.
01:26:14
Speaker
BX, I'm going to start hacking into these things here. I'm going to try to connect to their system. Why don't you call Sasha and see if she's figuring out how we can stop all this shit. I don't have the patience to deal with this anymore. I thought it'd be fun to come fight that. They're starting to piss me off. Everything else pisses me off all the time. I'm going to try and hack you. Talk to Sasha. I'm going to run my hack. Hey, Sasha.
01:26:37
Speaker
Oh my god, I told you, you just gotta get away from me. I swear, I just like, I will do this. It's fine. What? What? Oh, sorry, BX. I was arguing with this guy over here. What's up? Okay. Who are you talking to? This like really annoying guy who's apparently also another forca, and apparently they already have a plan in motion for this. I don't even know.
01:27:06
Speaker
I mean they want to take out all of the fucking peoples here and I just don't think that that's okay because like they say they want to create balance but like how could you create balance if there's only one race here?
01:27:21
Speaker
I mean, we kind of had a similar plan to that, that we just delete all of the dinos, but we didn't really do that. BX, that's what the timeline said it needed, though. It said that the Kurosphere said that it needs the humans to be back on the same level as the dinos, right? These guys are... Sasha! I go and grab BX's. I guess you just talk through your body as I go and talk. I was like yelling to BX's face. I'm like... Oh, for my ass.
01:27:46
Speaker
I'm like, talk through my ass. I go near his ass. Sasha, what are these guys thinking? They're not going by what the timeline needs. I hate to crawl through as much as the next guy, but we got to at least keep the timeline. I mean, that's kind of the whole point. Was that Baxter? Not that dumb monkey that you work with? I hear that. I say, fuck you, buddy. I'm going to kick this guy's ass in a second. It's fine, Baxter. Are you in a tall building throwing him out the window?
01:28:13
Speaker
I'm going to here in a second once I get off the phone with you guys. I'm just kicking the guy down the hallway with my foot, just like, oh my God, just get out of my way.
Strategic Moves and Propaganda
01:28:25
Speaker
And she's like, well, I mean, I guess whatever you guys decide is I'm fine with whatever because these guys are dicks. Do you happen to know where this Professor Dr. Steglers? Yeah, I'm in his building right now. Okay.
01:28:43
Speaker
So I'll see you in a couple of minutes. Oh, you guys are going to meet me here? Yeah.
01:28:51
Speaker
Okay. Well, if you see a dinosaur fall out of the window, it was me. It wasn't me falling out of the window, it was me kicking this guy's ass out the window. It was I who perpetrated the action of throwing someone out the window. Yeah, don't worry. I wouldn't worry, but thanks for the information. Which building are you in? We'll keep an eye out.
01:29:15
Speaker
It's like a big tower building. You'll be able to see it. Like all of the signs for the doctors on the way here. Okay. All right. Hey, while you're throwing them out, look out the window. I'm going to put my face on the screens in the like downtown area. I'm going to try and spread some propaganda that hopefully people will listen to and not want to be assholes to humans anymore. Yeah. Well, he was kind of an asshole. So, you know, I'll see you guys in a minute. Bye. All right. Get out of here. Click.
01:29:45
Speaker
Hey, hey, hey, listen, I heard what you said about throwing me out a window. And I mean, we're on the same team here. OK, let's just, you know, let me go get let me go get Chuck and Bubba and, you know, we'll. Oh, excuse me. I'm I'm Danny Shuttle, by the way. You know that I'm just kind of like that. I'm kind of like the the adventurous one of the group. The silly guy. OK. Yeah, silly. You sure? Let me tell you. All right. Whatever.
01:30:15
Speaker
Yeah, so, uh, you know, we're just gonna, um, I think they're in the middle of planting some sort of bombs over there in the little village that those guys live in. Um, and I just want to come and see what the whole laser technology was about. We might take some back to the Chronosphere. Um, I mean, if that's the plan, then I'm down for that because I totally like, I, I want a baddie. Oh yeah. Yeah, sure. We can totally party. We just have to blow up the humanoids real quick and then we can get out of here. Sounds good to me.
01:30:44
Speaker
You're fine with blowing up the humans? No. You just said you sounded good to you. I mean... Fine. We gotta wait for Baxter and BX to get up here because they're gonna be the ones that are in charge. Oh, wow. Are they here? I'm gonna go see him and he runs over towards the winner and says, where are they at? Put me out to where they are.
01:31:11
Speaker
They're over there. You see the monkey and the robots? No, which side of the city are they on? I don't know. They just called me. She's not even looking out the window. She's just pointing and not even looking. She's like, it's the monkey and the robot that's coming up the walkway up here. Just watch for them. Oh, wait. I think I see him. He's huge. At any point, can you see, like, on one of the big Titan Tron things, you see Baxter's face shows up.
01:31:42
Speaker
Baxter, what do you say to all of the people of Stegoland? I'm going to hope you let me roll. I was thinking about it as I was hacking, and I know I'm going to... I guess my perception is the same. It doesn't really matter. I'm going to say before I get in, I'm like, what do you think they call it? I was going to say people of... What's the city called? Do I see a sign for what the city's called? Stegoland. Stegoland the city? Okay. I guess that makes sense. Everything's always called the same thing.
01:32:10
Speaker
Um, people of Stegoland, I am, I am the Megamind monkey from the future.
01:32:18
Speaker
And if you keep on this path of subjugating and dehumanizing humans and not living in harmony with them, you will go the way of these dinosaur species from another planet. And I've punched in feed from like educational movies of like dinosaurs on Earth getting extinct, a big meteor coming down. And your lasers will not defend you when space sends more things that are not good for you.
01:32:43
Speaker
and humans will rise up. I show a bunch of war from the victory of Earth. I'm like, humans are pretty shitty if they don't like you. So be really careful with that. So you probably should want to get on their good side and get along with them. I felt like you were on a good roll, then showing that. Now they're like, oh, maybe we should kill them while they're still small.
01:33:03
Speaker
I'm looking around and I hear people go, maybe we should fuck with them now. But also, they look at all the really good things they can do as well. I show them Lenny Kravitz and I show them Foo Fighters. Oh, look, Yondu Reeves. He's one of the nicest guys. I show him pet and puppies.
01:33:20
Speaker
Oh, that Keanu Reeves, he sure is cute. And I come back on screen, but if you do not let the humans grow along with you, you will not have your own Keanu Reeves to give you wholesome warmth energy in your life. You will only get tanks and mustard gas instead. What do you think?
01:33:41
Speaker
What are you recording yourself on, by the way? My little, my little, my little device. Okay. I'm going to do a Benny again. Cause that sucks. Yeah. Five at least. I'm five. Yeah. I'm going to say that you got a few people listening and there was like a giant brachiosaurus. That's kind of like leaning over the big screen, like, you know, looking at you up close with their little close lenses. And they're like, you know, I don't, I don't know if I want to face wars, but you know, it would be kind of cool to have a little,
01:34:11
Speaker
Keanu Reeves. I don't know what that means, but it made me feel all warm and tingly just thinking about it. Let me see if you other people of the Dinu folks are all kind of like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Rubble, Rubble, Rubble, yeah, I guess that's okay, Rubble, Rubble, Rubble, Rubble. What about Professor Dr. Dinu Birdstager guy? Rubble, Rubble, Rubble, will you hear? Am I allowed to talk again on the mid screen?
01:34:37
Speaker
And as for Professor Dr. Daino, I don't really know all of his doctrines that he has put upon you, but if he is a totalitarian dictator ruling over you, it's kind of messed up if he doesn't let you do what you want to do. So, I mean, he's kind of subjugating you as much as he's subjugating the humans. Look at that. How's that to smack you on the face, huh?
01:35:01
Speaker
I'm looking at you, buddy. You're so big. Do you feel small or do you feel big? Let me ask you that. Sasha, as Danny Shuttle was looking out the window watching this, do you see that Professor Dr. Stego comes out?
01:35:22
Speaker
Um, and he's like, how dare that insignificant pre-human son of a bitch. Um, and he says, gentlemen, get me my armor. And then you see like, you hear like, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. And you see like, they're starting to like strap a bunch of like silver armor on him. Um, and there's, they're mounting like a giant fucking Gatling gun on top of his back.
01:35:47
Speaker
Oh, geez. So what do you do? She's going to try to rig up like a trip line so that she could be like, come over here. This is the best vantage point. And then he like trips and falls out the window. You're going to try to get into fall out the window. Mm hmm.
01:36:07
Speaker
Hmm. You're gonna have to be sneaky because there's a bunch of guys in that hallway with you. How about a stealth roll to see if you can do it without being caught? Okay. Five. That's a five. It's it'll do. Let me just do a really quick notice roll for our friend Professor Dr. Stago.
01:36:30
Speaker
Oh, you know what? All the other guys, they're just continuing their work. But like Professor Dr. Stago is kind of like his eyeball and he goes, wait, weren't there two weren't there two dinosaurs over there a second ago when what's going on? And like, you see, Danny's just like, don't be hiding beside me. What the fuck are you doing? They're going to think I'm doing this. Stop it. Just shut your mouth and just be quiet and let me do this because this just needs to happen. OK, just
01:36:59
Speaker
And then you see, um, all of a sudden you see like the Gatling gun on his, uh, on his back light up real red and he goes, just like fucking just fills Danny and his dinosaur costume full of fucking blazer holes. And fucking he staggers out the window. He goes, Oh, that's better. I looked like he was trying to stage an uprising, but not like you, upstanding citizen with the party ideas and the money making.
01:37:29
Speaker
Yes, totally. And I totally found a good vantage point for you over here. Oh, well, I suppose that's pretty good. I need to charge up my big lasers so I can fire it from distance. Let me let me see what you've got over there. Yeah, come here. And he comes and looks and he goes, I don't know. I mean, I see the screen, but I don't really see where the monkey is to shoot him. So you got to get closer. Come here.
01:37:57
Speaker
Fine. I mean, I'm sure I can only get so close to the wall. I know. But Kamiya and then she goes over and goes behind him and pushes him out the window. All right. You are a little half girl at a fucking dino outfit and a balloon outfit. So we're going to see. I'm going to have this be a contest because he's in heavy armor and you're in a balloon.
01:38:21
Speaker
She uses the bounce for the balloon and like basically you see her like use the dino head to like bop his butt and you just see like just the bouncing feature off of her head as she shoots him out the window.
01:38:40
Speaker
Well, we'll see if that happens. You're just going to ram your balloon head into his armored bum and see, you know what, stranger things have happened. We'll see if it happens. So let's do, let's have that be. What would that be? Um, let's have it be a strength off, uh, strength or athletics. I'll take either one is fine.
01:39:04
Speaker
Okay. All right, so he rolled a five for his athletics. Oh my god, I'm gonna roll a Benny. You rolled a two because you did not roll a five. Nope. I'm gonna roll a Benny. Okay. A ten. That's a ten. He's also gonna roll a Benny. He's gonna roll a five. He's gonna roll another Benny.
01:39:25
Speaker
All right. Well, he goes out the window, but somehow this fucking balloon outfit fucking pushes this armored boy with a mounted machine gun on his fucking back out the goddamn window. He goes, oh, my, I appear to have tripped over a string of swords and a headbutter. Do I do? And I will narrate the whole fall as I fall 9.9 stories down to the top.
01:39:54
Speaker
My giant face on the screen turns, looks like off to this one. Holy shit, does that think that guy was a forker? He's fucking big. I thought I would be the grand-
01:40:16
Speaker
Got him! I'm still alive, but I'm very badly hurt. Bloon smells a bit like almonds. I would rather towards him and cut off his thumb.
01:40:44
Speaker
Like I can see some bone sticking through the armor
01:40:50
Speaker
It's very gruesome. Oh, there appears to be some bipedal citizens coming to aid me. Hello there, shiny man. Well, they've got the implement to cut me out of my armor. Oh, he's got some sort of blade to cut my armor off to help staple my poo's. Yeah, I'm going to tell you. Why are you taking my hand?
01:41:12
Speaker
Oh, hello, kind stranger. What can I do? Are you here? Let me wait. What are you doing? Why are you grabbing? Give me your hand. I don't have hands. I'm a quadruped. Give me your whatever's closest to your hand.
01:41:29
Speaker
Oh, here, take my nub. It's mostly broken. As you can see, it's dangling from the bone. So you're telling me he doesn't have a thumb? I mean, they have, like, kind of like how cats have little toe beams and dogs have, like, little, like, you know, like how paws are structured, like that little cloggy. So he probably has something. It's more like a toe than it is a thumb.
01:41:51
Speaker
you'll hear a BX angle. BX did that was like the really bad guy and he's got like a really big gun on his back and like we need to get it away from him so like he doesn't like you know accidentally fire it off or anything. No, first I'm going to get like his dino farm.
01:42:09
Speaker
You had a really big gun. Big gun, Trump's thumb, BX, just get it done. I've already rolled the damage. You've done 20 damage to his thumb. You take it off. Oh, God! Oh, dear. That was not aiding at all. You missed the armor completely. You buffoon. Oh, God. That's all I've wanted. What? What do you mean?
01:42:39
Speaker
And I run over, I start, like, I lean over his gun, I'm like, Paul, come over here and help me pull this gun off, I'm gonna start saunas with my medical ear blade. Oh, are you taking it off so you can do surgery on my backside? Yes, sir, I'm going to make sure you don't write this rain there, big boy. Oh, I'm so happy to be aided, and the ender Paul is just like, what's going on? Are we stepping on this guy's throat or what?
01:43:01
Speaker
I put the gun off his back, Paul, so he doesn't have a gun on his back anymore. Oh, right, Wankie goes, oh, maybe I was wrong about the humanoids. Look at them helping me in my time of need. They're not always the brightest, but they do have good hearts. Look at them as they try to aid me. One cut my tail off my mistake.
01:43:22
Speaker
I put my camera towards, I put my, I hold my wrist camera towards me and I'm like, say this one more time, what do you like about humans? I'm so sorry. Oh, I was just saying how they must have good hearts. They're not very bright. They're so smart. I just started recording. Who has good hearts? So everybody knows. Oh, the humanoid people, they have good hearts. They're just not very bright, you see. Look at them trying to aid me right now. Look, look at Paul smile. Hey.
01:43:49
Speaker
Um, I, I kind of point my, I don't turn the thing back to me. I saw him pointed towards Paul. I pulled my mouth in the camera a little bit. I'm like, he's not like the best example. Cause he's kind of crazy, but there are good people out there in the woods. Be nice to them. He's like ripping out his own ass hair while you're saying that. He's like, the gun, the gun, Paul, you're freaking. He rips the thing off. Um, and, uh, you rip the gun off and it falls off of them. And, um, BX, you taking another thumb?
01:44:16
Speaker
No, I'm pretty content after one and a half. You got what you needed? You guys also see like a fucking splattered corpse of a guy dressed in clearly like a deflated fucking dinosaur balloon outfit like on the ground next to him. Well, I missed that. She threw him out too. Yeah, like he fucking he we filled him full of fucking holes with the laser gun because he thought that he was setting a trap for him because Sasha inadvertently framed him. So like he shot him out the window. So we just like we got like smoking laser holes coming out of him.
01:44:48
Speaker
And he says, oh, well, thank you so much for your aid. Can somebody please take me to a medical facility? Yeah, sure, buddy. Are you serious about not being addicted to humans anymore? Oh, I'll probably give them at least a weekend and then we'll go back to, you know, subjugation, slaughter, you know, the things. You know, I just entered.
01:45:13
Speaker
Oh, yes, and my pain? I would love that. Please, any painkillers you have would be lovely. Okay, I have the best painkiller right here. Oh, what would that be? Let me see it. That is a gun he's pointing at you, big boy. Yes, and I'm banging my gun into his face. Oh, is that some sort of like pill injector? Yes. Close your eyes, cut to five, and the pain will be over.
01:45:38
Speaker
Oh my god You've seen a gun before right you've you guy you go on you're the smartest guy in this place Oh, yes, you know, I just I don't know what humanoid weapons look like So I thought that might have been what you weirdos used to do medicine or something It is smaller than the giant things you guys got to carry around. Oh indeed. Yes No, but I'm stepping on his chest. I'm standing looking at him like um like
01:46:05
Speaker
We came here to overthrow your whole tyrannical government. I was about to let you, I thought you were going to be cool about it, but now we're probably going to viciously kill you and probably blow your city up or something. I'm trying to change hearts and minds out here, but if it doesn't take, I need you to back up the people, buddy. Look, this guy, he's kind of stupid, like you said, but he's trying to do the right thing, right, Paul?
01:46:28
Speaker
Yeah, whatever so should I step on his neck or on his dick first? Hold off for now if he deserved if he's depending on how he sways I mean look here dr. Proctor MacArthur Like this is not sustainable people are hating what you're doing eventually You're gonna have like, you know them knocking at your door with some kind of clubs and they're probably kill one or two of you before they stop them It's not right kind of a dick move
01:46:54
Speaker
Um, well, perhaps, but, you know, I saw some of the videos you posted of the wars and the bombs and I feel like it's, you know, I actually, the associate I just shot out the window told me he had friends that were going to take care of the humanoids for me. So any moment now, we're just going to hear them blow up. So it's already too late. Oh, they were already, they already had their plan in motion? Over. Yes, they did.
01:47:24
Speaker
Um, that would have been nice to know over. Like you guys gave me any time. I called you a bunch of times. You guys came up here talking and then that's what got him all riled up. You were supposed to meet me up here and now I have to deal with this and I pushed him out the window so that you guys wouldn't get hurt. You're welcome. Blah, blah.
01:47:53
Speaker
Thank you. Oh, I love you, blub blub. You see, blub blub like jumps out the window and he hooks his toes to the windowsill and then he stretches all the way down and makes like a little slide. Sweet! She slides down. I tell Paul, Paul, you can step on this guy's throat now. Done. And I say, OK, buddy, do you know where those guys are? You're not stepping hard enough. My neck is very thick.
01:48:21
Speaker
Good partner, buddy. One, two, three, four, five. I'm ready for my medicine now, sir. You see a sword, BX. I don't know if he saw it. Hey, guys, we're going to do a tow-up. And you shoot his head off, BX5. BX, why did you shoot him already? Because he's done. I was going to find out where the other guys are. Joshua, do you know where the guys are?
01:48:49
Speaker
No, I don't. I didn't get that far into the information. I see blood, blood like his belly flops on top of the dinosaur or the guy in the dinosaur costume, and he like inflates it and then he pulls the body out and then just engulfs the body. And then he turns into that little halfling, but like a little green when he goes, Hey, what's up? How's it going? Hey, I'm blood lover. What's up? Oh, my God. Well, I blood blood. I don't I don't like this new look for you, dude.
01:49:19
Speaker
Oh, I was just trying to help. I know what this guy knows. Oh, you have that power bubble. Oh, hell yeah. That is highly convenient. What does he know? I know everything that Nacho knows, too. Oh, man, what did Nacho know? Probably Nacho Nacho. Oh, dude. Dude, he is such a little perv. He loves putting that Nacho nose in places he's not supposed to go. Don't do that, please. Anyway, where's his buddy's at?
01:50:02
Speaker
Everybody, Dr. Professor, what's his name, guys? Stegosaurus is dead. He's kind of a dick. Don't be dicks to humans. We'll come back and blow your whole planet up. Bye. No, kind of, whatever you say, guys. Humans. And then Blub Blub kind of like ejects the skeleton of that guy, like, out of his body and turns back into that-to-nose. Nice. Nice Blub Blub. That's such a cool ability after.
01:50:14
Speaker
Back at the Neanderthal Village getting ready to pull the trigger.
01:50:32
Speaker
And he chases with you guys down to the human village, where you see that there is another robot. He's pretty sizable, probably eight feet tall, real big chunky boy. He's got a big old fat, what do they call them? A big old zweihander sword in his hands.
01:50:56
Speaker
And then there's another, there's another guy there, just like a little, a little dwarven fellow with a big old beard, and he's got like a little button in his hands. And he says, all right, listen, we didn't want it to have to be like this, but everybody kind of shove in line. Everybody get inside the house. That way you can die where you lived, okay? And you know what, this isn't what we wanted to do, but this is just how we have to save the multiverse, okay? So no hard feelings, right guys? He goes, right, Chuck? And then I think that's what I called the other guy.
01:51:28
Speaker
Can I see, do they have a button he's already pressed? It's like a dead man switch? Or is he using a button he's waiting to press? No, he's waiting to push it. His thumb's kind of like caressing the button, and he's just doing his monologue that he likes to do. Okay. I wonder... Yes? Sorry, BX. When we arrive there in time, I want to use my telekinesis. Oh.
01:51:48
Speaker
I'm gonna chop his hand off, but you can do that too. Maybe you can use telekinesis to chop his hand off. Maybe you can do like a... I was gonna say, we didn't discuss, so maybe we both just do our thing, and if one of us fails, the other one will succeed. Yeah, you're just gonna run up and try to chop off a hand. I'm gonna try and use my bungee string and shoot it over at him. Okay, what's your... I think it's spirit to do your telekinesis, right? Psyonix skill.
01:52:15
Speaker
Right. So do you have to roll spirit for that? Oh, I don't know how that works. That's good to know. But what are you doing? Like what are you trying to like pull this switch that does like the explosion thingy to me? Oh, I see. You know what? I don't know enough about how that works to dispute it. So you what does it look like when you do it?
01:52:41
Speaker
I basically do like a fast pull. I switch on my hand and want the switch to like fly into my hand.
01:52:51
Speaker
You do that. Whoa, that's crazy. I was hoping you'd paint me more of a word picture about like what it looks like when you cast a spell or like what your body's doing. But, you know, maybe that's it. Maybe it's just like Darth Vader. It's also not a huge thing that doing it just like hand force. Yeah, I know. But, you know, we have the we have the we have the budget for higher graphics in the show. So you could like, you know, step it up a little bit as fireworks going off behind me while I reach out my hand.
01:53:19
Speaker
And then, like, fire shoots out of my ass and the switch flies into my hand. Oh, no. The fire shoots out your ass. You're going to ruin the macaroni picture. I know it's ruined. You pull the thing and he goes, well, what the hell? What's going on here? Just as he says that, my molecular sword comes in. I'm going to say you get the drop on him. He doesn't know you're coming. He doesn't know. I got a four. Well, it's an eight with the drop. Nice. And you get an additional four on your damage when you hit it.
01:53:49
Speaker
Hells yeah, I want to chop this guy's hand off so I hate him. Do it. Um, damage. 12. Oh nice. Dang. Uh, you do 12 damage, you chop his hand off. Um, so he goes, AHHH! AHHH! And then the big robot turns around and he kind of starts flexing and goes, beep beep bop bop bop.
01:54:13
Speaker
Don't even fucking start with that shit, buddy. That's only you. Not room for a wrong robot on this planet. And he pulls out his big Zweihander and starts pointing it at you, BX-5. Don't point it at me, that's dangerous. And he starts working a little dial on his chest. And he goes, all right then, I challenge you to a duel. Oh, you cannot deny a robot duel by your code of programming, you must accept.
01:54:42
Speaker
I accept. And he charges after you with a giant sword and he tries to take a swing at you right away with his big fat sword, his big fighting sword. Whoa. And he rolls a fucking nine. What's your parry? My parry is six. My parry is shmeckel. My parry is shmeckel. My parry is shmeckel. My parry is shmeckel.
01:55:13
Speaker
I also well-caught. Yes, he is. Oh, damn. Because they're forkers like you guys. So he rolls 16. What's your parry? Got to be six. Your parry is six. Okay, so he didn't get a raise on your parry. That's good. So you rolled 16 damage on you, BX. I think you were still shaken from both. Did you ever unshake from before? I mean, let's just say I did.
01:55:38
Speaker
Alright, well now that you're shaken and you're wounded. I want to use a penny to soak the damage. Alright, let's see it. Let's see a Benjamin roll. Slurp it up. How many bennies do you have left? I have one left now. You have one left after using that?
01:55:56
Speaker
Yeah, because we got like an extra one in front of a choco, so I had three. Right, okay. So that is one. So you've been shaken, but you are no longer wounded. So he just claps you across the side with the flat end of the blade and kind of bonks you silly for a second. And he says, Why do you bring a sword to a counterfight, you idiot? Because my sword is bitching! I'll show you it's bitching.
01:56:27
Speaker
Uh-huh. You have to unshake first. Is it my turn? Yes. He's opening up just a little bit. He's not going full ham yet. He just wants to see what you can do. That's a failure. Oh my gosh. You are unshaken, so you can't take any major actions. You can just move. Okay, then I want to move.
01:56:52
Speaker
away from the big robot. Alright, so you move away from the big robot. I want to climb up out of three. Was that way too much for you to handle BX? The fight is not over. This is a strategic withdrawal. Alright, so you did a strategic withdrawal and I've given you cards now just so that we're not losing out on that and you got a Joker. Yes.
01:57:21
Speaker
So now everybody gets another Benny and you get a plus two to something that you do. No, it's your turn. You've run up a tree. It's my turn after Choker. Right. Well, I'm not going to see you run all the way up a tree because you're shaking. So, but you probably made your way a little bit up a tree. I will take my blaster and I will shoot twice at the metal bastard.
01:57:45
Speaker
I think he's muted. Oh, shit. Sorry. I muted myself. I'm still getting over. I'm still getting over a cough. And so sometimes I mute myself so I don't call you a microphone. Sorry about that. No. Yeah. So that would be. Yeah. Those are both correct. Sorry about that. Hmm. Okay. Roll your Durvage. I'm rolling my damage. That's a six and an eight. Well, unfortunately for you, BX5, none of those fucking hurt him. I want to roll a penny.
01:58:13
Speaker
You only have, okay. I just got a new one, so I'm gonna just spend it. You can only use it on one of those rolls, you can't use it on both. Yeah. All right. Go ahead. This isn't any better. It's not any better. So the laser just like plink off and plink, plink, plink, plink. And he goes, oh, my turn. Now I'm gonna show you what I'm really made of and why you guys are the least liked crew in all of the Chronosphere.
01:58:41
Speaker
Um, and he is going to take multi actions as well. Um, and he's going to try to slice you out of that tree. Um, are you still in the tree? Are you still like hugging onto the tree trunk or some shit? Like what are you doing? All right. He's going to try to swing, um, uh, with his big old beefy, cause he's a big boy. He's really fucking big. Um, he's just going to try to swing up and try to bat you out of three, like a pinata. And he's going to, he's going to take a little swingy poo at you.
01:59:11
Speaker
Uh, so far, I like that everybody's honoring the duel. No one's jumped in yet, so that's nice. Uh, fight...ting. Um, does a... Well, he has to roll, that's a minus, so hang on a second. He's rolling twice, he rolled a seven both times. Does a five hit your parry? A five does not hit, I have a six. Oh, then he fucking misses both hits! Oh, no!
01:59:35
Speaker
I don't know enough about a lot of the wild card things to give him anything cool off the top of my head. So I just don't know what he would have. He probably has extra bonus damage or something. But okay, he misses. Your turn. Right now, actually, I lied. We gotta see. Never mind, it's his turn again. He's gonna do it one more time. He's gonna try to multi-whack you one more time, VXY.
01:59:59
Speaker
And then we'll see what happens after that. Multitack, he's like, I'm going to smack you so hard in your little metal taint that no one will recognize your taint anymore. My metal taint will rub on your face. What? Wow, he fucking beefed both of those again. So, okay, your turn. I'm like a cat on a tree that's like dancing all of this. Yeah, he's just like swinging. I was like, get down here, you son of a bitch.
02:00:24
Speaker
Uh, and like the dwarf that like you cut off his arm, he's like kind of like cupping it underneath his armpit Baxter. He's like, that was really fucked up, man. That was a, that was fucked up. And it was going to take a while to get that report back on when I go back to the Chronosphere.
02:00:37
Speaker
Well, first of all, you're welcome because cybernetic parts are bitching. Second, you're going against time code, fuckface. It's not against the time code? This is what they said? I didn't know you guys were going to choose the same job we chose. Not about doing the same job. I don't give a fuck about that, dude. You're just fucking doing it wrong.
02:00:56
Speaker
Hey, they said we could do what I didn't really want as long as we do it, as long as we get it done. That's true. We do a lot of crazy shit. Last week I stole a gigantic drill out of a store to give to a lady, but that's not the point. The point is you're supposed to make balance here and put it back to the right because the dinosaurs are too advanced and you're supposed to put the humans back to where they're supposed to be or whatever, even without. Maybe they're not supposed to be here yet. I don't think they're supposed to be here yet.
02:01:23
Speaker
It's not for us to interpret, bro. It's just to take the paper. You need to be better. That's why everybody hates you guys. You guys don't understand how any of this job works. We've successfully saved many planets from destruction and saved the timeline on many occasions. I was in a film. I'll have you know. You guys get all the easy ones. No one believes that you or your stupid robot or your malfunctioning half person can do any of the jobs properly. But just give you all the easy ones. We were just trying to get this one off our docket to get out of the way.
02:01:53
Speaker
Sasha hears him insult her and she like looks over and glares and just shoots like a fireball at him.
02:02:08
Speaker
Okay impulse control she has none Yeah, I'll do it roll your damage plus he's not expecting to be shot so that's also the drop again he doesn't know That's 14 plus an additional force that's 18. Yeah, you just cook his face right off his fucking neck Yeah
02:02:34
Speaker
Oh my god. I'm like, oh, so I always maybe gonna kick his ass, Sasha, but damn. Fuck that guy. I don't know if I'm supposed to kill people that work in the company. You see like Chuck's like, what the hell? Why would you do that? We're all on the same team. He was an asshole. I did you guys a favor. Now let's get back on the fucking ship because I'm over this shit.
02:02:56
Speaker
I know, we have to press the bomb button. We have to blow them up. We know. If anything, I'm moving the bomb to the dinosaur city and blowing those fuckers up. How big is your bomb? I go in the hut to see how big the bomb is. It's the size of the hut. They all barely fit in there. It just looks like a little warhead. I lift the little palm front flap like, Sasha, maybe these guys are right. They got a giant, these guys got a giant bomb in here. We have not got anything like that. We are the shit team. Fuck's sake.
02:03:27
Speaker
We have, like, the secondhand shitty ship. I mean, maybe we are the fucking shit team. I mean, you never swallow my skills yet, you don't know. Well, I don't think you can shit out a giant bomb, can you? No, but the fire I got in my body is my bomb, bitch. I mean, I guess, but do you know what I did earlier? I ordered a sledgehammer from Glamazon and gave it to a guy. These guys have a fucking nuclear warhead over here or something.
02:03:54
Speaker
You can't get more nuclear than this, and she starts shaking her booty. And the other Paul's like, yeah, she's pretty cool. I like her. All right, BX, finish your duel with that guy so we can leave, I guess. BX, you still have to unshake if you want to take any more shots. Well, you should unshake big time. Yeah, pretend.
02:04:22
Speaker
He's like, you know what? I don't even want to fight anymore. You've killed my friend. Wait, wait, where's Danny? Danny, what happened to Danny? No, Danny's the one who fixes me. Well, tough shit now. Sorry.
Resolution, Reflections, and Farewell
02:04:42
Speaker
And he just kind of like he he kind of has like a bit of a crisis And he just kind of you see sparks kind of flying out from under his neck and he goes I can't I can't Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny Danny
02:05:07
Speaker
Uh, that's a mouth damage. You just, you toast him. He dies. We'll just say he does. He's malfunctioning. He can't, he can't function. His head rolls off his shoulders. I'm here. Danny. I want to take a side of the trophy. Thumbs and heads. BX five is turning into a sociopath. Okay. So you guys did that. The nuclear warhead is now in your possession. Um,
02:05:34
Speaker
And all along and I just hit it. I mean, that's what I'm saying. It's just it's just coming out more and more and more. So what do you guys do? You guys have successfully taken down the other forkers and you save the humanoids from being blown up by a nuclear warhead. What do you do to finish your mission?
02:05:56
Speaker
So like you guys can like take this bomb and go bomb the dinosaurs I guess because they were just a bunch of dicks and I just you know I was expecting so much more I wanted to go hug all the dinosaurs but I guess they're just not gonna want to hug me so you guys take this and you go put it in that city and bomb it I don't care and like walks over talking I'm ready
02:06:21
Speaker
I don't know if terrorism is the best thing to offer. As you see Sasha get sucked up to a tube. Maybe those people already got the message that they shouldn't attack the humans. Yeah, hopefully they learn. We're going to take this bomb prick if you don't mind. Yeah, you know what? Just take it as far away from here, guy. That's great.
02:06:49
Speaker
I kind of do a little gentle attempt at seeing how the dinosaurs are going to be. We killed that dickhead that was in charge, and I tried to convince him that it's not right, just to be mean to you guys. He even said himself that humans are pretty cool. We got him on film before we killed him, saying you guys are cool.
02:07:07
Speaker
Oh, that's great. Maybe we'll just play that over and over again. Nobody will love us. Exactly. That's nice. I'll send it. I guess I can't really send it to you. It's all like their things. You'll find it somewhere, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, now I can go get my gorilla girlfriend out from hiding and bring her back into town. Damn right, brother. Yeah. I put my fist out. He fist bumps you. He leans down and fist bumps you. Nice. Oh, yeah. You and the gorillas too? I'm not. I mean, not particularly. It's kind of like I'm just saying you're good on you, but they're forgetting it.
02:07:36
Speaker
Oh, yeah, I get it any way I can, upside down, sideways and in the water. I hear you, brother. Anyway, I'm going to go make sure this ball is stable and I'm going to have Chorgamim and suck it up. You don't know who that is, but it's fine. Nope. Don't know anything about anything you've talked about. Most of the time we talked. It's cool. But hey, that was a cool duel and everything. So, yeah, I guess it's been a pleasure. It would have been to call Chorgamim and to pants fight him.
02:08:02
Speaker
Oh, I don't know what that is, but I know what penetrate means. Yeah. Atration can be deadly. Indeed. And then KNO shows up and he goes, you leave? Me leave. Hey, what happened here buddy? Nice meeting you, friend. Fredo, I felt the guy. Yes, me make me make for you. And he pulls out like a little like
02:08:26
Speaker
What do you call it? Like a little piece of driftwood that has like some of his poop that he's smushed down and he made a little smiley face in it. This is nicest thing I have ever seen made for me. I do like a little slight head shake right now. He goes, me make out of me for you, so you always be member me. Yeah, it's great. I'm going to put it in special place when I get up in space, don't you worry. You're so happy.
02:08:55
Speaker
I have a present for you as well. And I like grab from like grass or something on the floor and make like a necklace of the dino farms for him. Oh, wow. Me wear blood of enemy on me. Yes. Oh, he takes, he takes one of the biggest thumbs and puts it in his mouth so I suck it on it. That does, that does always give you people hope that the dinos aren't invincible. Me take more time if me need. Yes. Okay. Well me, me miss you.
02:09:25
Speaker
Me miss it too. Bye bye. And then a fucking tube comes and sucks BX-5 up into it. Baxter, do you also want to leave? Well, we've got a bomb for you to suck up Chorgon. Be careful with it. Oh, why do you want me to touch such a thing? Those things are filthy. Filled with nuclear energy.
02:09:44
Speaker
You're filthy. I don't want to hear it. Maybe it'll clean up some of the nastiness in you with the radiation. Get this up there. Suck it up, you son of a bitch. I'm going to suck you up in the same tube. That's like him a fuck. And he sucks you up into the tube, and he sucks up the warhead. And you guys are back on the ship, and he goes, oh, I forgot blood blub. I don't know where he is. Well, can't tell me your fuck face. Ah, man, who knows how much time has passed since I sucked him up. I sucked you all up. I don't know what's happened down there. It's been five seconds. Get him. Five seconds for you.
02:10:15
Speaker
Yeah, we're still above orbit. We haven't done any time shooting fucker yet, man. I'm telling you that time is very fluid on these planets. Years passes the moment we're back on our ship. Y'all don't know that? Did you not read the focus handbook? We'll send it back down then, buddy. I'll see what it's like down there. It was a handbook?
02:10:35
Speaker
Are you guys serious? Why do they why did I have to be the ship that got stuck with y'all? Sure. Is there anything in the handbook about killing fellow girls for the employees? You guys killed other fuckers. No, just send me down. I want to see what's going on. He shoots you back down. Does anybody else go back down to the planet? No, I'm putting up my trophy in my room. Nice. I say you shoot you back down and you say, oh, hey, blah, blah.
02:11:04
Speaker
Oh, and there's like statues erected to look like Blub Blub is like nacho nose. And there's like fucking like all there's fucking thousands of humans in this in this city. Many of the dinosaurs are missing now. There's still a few that are kind of walking the streets, but they kind of keep it themselves. They give the humans a wide berth.
02:11:24
Speaker
The humans already have like they've evolved so fast that they've got like fucking you know like they look like more modern they have pistols they got like their nice clothes and jeans and all shit there's cars driving everywhere and But you see like like just signs commemorating blub blub and like all sorts of banners and blub blub appreciation days coming up next week Yeah, that's what you see I run to him you run to who? What are you?
02:11:54
Speaker
Oh, you're looking for blood. Blob. I just get him on his app. I got it. Tell me what I'm on. I shake him. Oh, just it's on the app. Just download the blob app. I push him away. You see, it says, welcome to blood, blood corporations. Hey, next, next, next, next, next, next. Yeah, please create your account. Next, next, next, next. I just start mashing shit in. Welcome. How old are you?
02:12:25
Speaker
I put like, what are these? I don't know what the years are. I put like, uh, is February 60th, 75th, 18th, 75. You are 45 years old. Um, uh, and you get it and it says, Oh, you can get one free message to send to our Lord blood blood before you have to pay for additional messages. Blood blood. It is daddy. Chorgan is a fucker and left you here. I come back. Send. Um,
02:12:52
Speaker
You get a message back that says, meet me in the town square. I run. You run to the town square and you see a helicopter land.
02:13:06
Speaker
I shield my face. And Blub Blub climbs off and he looks like at this juncture, he's flanked by a couple of guys in business suits. They're carrying a couple of briefcases. And then he immediately latches onto one of them and absorbs them and then becomes a green version of that guy. And he walks up and he kind of slicks his little green hair back and he goes, Dad, it's been a long time.
02:13:32
Speaker
Yeah, Chorgen, fuck, he's an idiot. I was like, come on, we're going up. Are you like, how many years has it been down here, buddy? Oh, gosh, 30, 45,000. Gosh, I don't even know. Jesus Christ! What the fuck? Chorgen, you're a fucking idiot. I just, I didn't even, I figured he would suck you up. I just said, suck me up, suck, we'll take us with the bomb. Yeah, I heard what you said. You said me and the bomb. You didn't say, blah, blah, did you?
02:13:59
Speaker
Well, I just assumed he would get you. Yeah, well, you assumed wrong. And I had to survive here and teach all of these people how to coexist. And wars happened and evolution went away. I didn't understand and I had to adapt to it. And it was really, really hard. It took me thousands of years to get to this point where, you know, I could get some broke or some peace. And you weren't here for any of it to see anything that I was doing. I don't know if I like the person you've become, dad.
02:14:31
Speaker
That's fair, son. I'm proud of you, boy. Do you want at least come see my mansion? If you'll have me. Well, I mean, obviously you can come and see it. Like, I mean, I haven't seen you in forever. I thought you were dead, but.
02:14:52
Speaker
I was only on the ship for like five seconds before I came back down. I did not know it was 45,000. It was only 45 seconds up there. Oh yeah, is that how that works? I always wondered how the time travel thing worked. This first time I heard about it, so I mean, cut me some slack. I didn't know this shit happened. You know, I did some, I did some schmuggling and I found out that there's like a forker's handbook that's readily available for free online.
02:15:16
Speaker
He just said it up there 45,000 years ago to me. So I mean, who they didn't give us a tutorial. We got there. Yeah, it took me a while to really understand that. Didn't really talk about the dilation as much. I guess it depends on the world. But I guess that makes sense. If you're up there for 45 seconds, it translates to years. Every second on your ship is a is a is a thousand years here. Apparently so, man. That's fucking crazy, right? That is my language, but that is fucking crazy.
02:15:46
Speaker
You've grown up now. You're 45,000 years old, but you can say what you want. Oh, good. Piss-ass dick and balls. Titties. Yeah, that felt good. That felt good to say. I'll come see what you've got for yourself, buddy. I'm really happy for you. Yeah. Okay. Well, you know, I was kind of thinking like you could just come visit me sometimes here because I kind of have a life now. I've been here for so long.
02:16:13
Speaker
Yeah, I thought I'd approach you, buddy, if you like it here. Yeah, can you just swing by and see me? I mean, if I come back, it'll probably be like a million years. You think you're going to still be how much life do you have? As far as I'm aware, I'm an immortal being, I think. Damn, buddy. It would probably been really cool to have you with me for a longer time, but we fucked up. I mean, I fucked. I admit it, buddy. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. I mean, just come see me whenever you want. I mean, we can hang out. I can come up on the ship and hang for a little bit. All right. Well, they can wait like... I guess if I come up on the ship, then like...
02:16:41
Speaker
Then the time's gonna dilate. I might lose my... But just come here. Just come hang out here. You know what? If Torgen comes down to the ship, or down through our atmosphere, we can hang out on the ship there, you know?
02:16:54
Speaker
We don't I'd rather listen if you lived in a shithole hut, I would rather be there than on top of Morgan Morgan frame Let's just say it. Okay. Well, he's a freak. All right. Well, you know, why don't we know unless you miss it? We can bring them down you can see it But otherwise, you know, I kind of like him. I think you guys treat him kind of mean sometimes I mean, don't forget you guys are the ones that made him mean
02:17:13
Speaker
Yeah, I know I should I know I can find I know I shouldn't have told you that because now you always hold that they always remind me that even up Steven 45,000 years ago, you used to remind me you say blah, blah, blah, blah. I say I know blah, blah, blah. I know. I know. And that's why I always felt close to you because you could understand what I was saying. Yeah. Anyway, let's let me go see your house. We'll hang out for a bit and I'll go back up and you know, you know what? You know what? I'm going to send you back with a bunch of money because I have loads of treasure I don't even know to do with.
02:17:40
Speaker
Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, that's cool. Thanks. I mean, yeah, absolutely. So what kind of you like rubles, diamonds, rubies, sapphires, mummified beings? Like, what do you like? I have so much stuff in here. I don't know how to do with it. I'd be pretty cool to get some mummies.
02:17:55
Speaker
Yeah, absolutely. Here, I'll just send a bunch of stuff up with you from Oregon to pick up. And then I'm just going to turn him into Darby Parks. That's pretty funny. Yeah, that's hilarious. I love how that that system works. OK, cool. And then he takes you to his house. He has a giant mansion with like 89 rooms in it. And, you know, he had like a bunch of staff and there's a few dinos that still work in there. They're still left from the great human dinosaur war. And, you know, he introduced you to his friends. He's got a girl that he has a crush on, but he hasn't had the courage to ask out yet.
02:18:26
Speaker
And, you know, and then he takes you to his treasure room and it's pretty much the size of 15 football fields with just heaps of, you know, like we're talking duck tails, like fucking piles of gold. And all sorts of cool shit in there. He goes, yeah, Bob, just take whatever you want. Go ahead. Just go nuts. You know what, you keep it blub blub, you earned it, buddy boy.
02:18:48
Speaker
No, I insist. You know what? Like, I really just need to send you with something. Like, please, just, I mean, it'll free me up some more room to like, you know, put a pool in here. I go and touch like a shortcut. Maybe I just take one mummy. You know what? I'll send a bunch of mummies up. I bet you Sasha and BX would like something. Oh, yeah, I guess so. I mean, I would have shared it, split the mummy money between them, but yeah.
02:19:07
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah, take as many as you want. And he sends back home with you through the Jorgen Memen tubes. Fifteen D100s worth of Darby Buck material that you can that you guys can all have. Wow. Fifteen Ds. And he says, he says, and he says, I love you, dad. And then he ejects a skeleton from his body and he goes, blah, blah, blah. I love I give him a big old hug. He gives you a blah, blah, hug hug.
02:19:38
Speaker
and then send you on your way. And you guys have finished the land in World 15. Yeah, you did. You pulled an Adrian right there. Try that one again. So BX5 gets $685 worth of treasures. Baxter gets $768 worth of treasures. And what does Sasha Rocket get?
02:20:01
Speaker
This one went a bit long. I didn't realize how long it would have been. 842 Darby bucks. Holy fuck. Yeah. That is fantastic. I put my money in my little Darby buck credit card machine thing, and then you see very sadly Baxter tapes up all his little crumpled up shitty picture, his little peccary thing. Half the peccary has fallen off, but it says blub on the bottom. He puts it above his little table and his little bunk, and he goes,
02:20:30
Speaker
I miss you son. It's all right. So you have me. He's like, yeah, okay. Thanks. Thanks. I just need some time to alone right now. I'm going to lay in my bed. You also have me back there. I do. Thanks. Thank you. Chorgan for always flying us around. You're a good guy.
02:21:14
Speaker
It's a good job, guys. You finish. You got all your derby bucks. We'll find a way to spend that next time. We're a little bit long. Yeah, best forkers
Listener Engagement and Humor
02:21:22
Speaker
team, the best, worst forkers team. And so thanks for everybody who's listening. This one went a little bit long and I'm sorry, but you know what? It's just what happened sometimes and we're really get into what we're doing. Yeah, we're having fun.
02:21:25
Speaker
Thank you, that's all I needed to hear.
02:21:36
Speaker
Yeah. So, you know, and this one just counts. This one is two episodes. Just listen to what an hour of it now and then wait a week and listen to an hour of it. Exactly. You know, just like it gets me through my like two hour in between bells. There you go. Or just listen to it for two and a half hours and then listen to it again for two and a half hours.
02:21:55
Speaker
Yeah, it's fine. That's even better. Listen to it twice. Let our stuff play on repeat every night. Yeah, let's do that. I just get confused. Hey, listen, if you would, as we've been saying, please go to podchaser.com slash role players and leave a review. You can leave a review for the whole show or just for individual episodes that you really like.
02:22:18
Speaker
That really helps us get some more traction. We have gotten a few more reviews. You don't even have to say words. You can just do a star rating if you want. It would really help us out a lot. Also, Spotify and iTunes have their own little star rating system now.
02:22:31
Speaker
We also still have voicemails you can send us, and we want to hear your voices. It's true. And we have a merch store. We really should try to. We do have merch. We really do have merch. We do. We just haven't fucked with it for a long time. But we're going to get on it. So go to the merch store, funinstallers.com. And then there's the merch right there. You'll see Marion pointing to it. That's where the merch store is. He's telling you where to go. And I've got three weeks coming up soon. So we're going to be hammering down on it.
02:23:01
Speaker
That's nice. Yeah. Yeah. And then of course, go to, go to dry throw RPG to go see Justin's maps. It's under fun installers as well. And then, um, listen to Adrian, uh, wherever Adrian go to all new robots to see nudes of BX. Yeah. Good. Yeah.
02:23:17
Speaker
Show us your sexiest pictures of VX5. Send them in to contact the role players at gmail.com. Go ahead and expose wiring, you guys. There's a lot of places you want to see a little extra wire. You want to see some sparks from VX5.
02:23:38
Speaker
Oh, he's showing his circuits. Oh, baby. Oh, wow. Damn, I'm gonna I'm gonna plug in so hard. My USB is flipping.
02:23:49
Speaker
So, yeah, anyway, you can or our fun installers Ko-fi. We've been getting some more people signing on to that, which has been really great. We'd love to see a few more subscriptions to our Ko-fi if you want to support us just for a couple of bucks a month. That's great. And, you know, it allows us to support other people in our creative network for like a secret society, the role players, guild, dungeons and pop. Who the fuck else am I missing? There's probably three besties and a guesty, but it's like the same people. But that too.
02:24:17
Speaker
And I feel like there's someone else I'm missing that I'm sorry that I can't think of who else is there. But those are the main guys. I think that's most of us. And, you know, we use that money to support us. We use that money to like if we want to do some more different kinds of edits or if we want to get some different types of commissions done for art. And we also use it for like subscriptions for website pages. We use it for.
02:24:38
Speaker
subscriptions for like art things that we're doing or maps or we use it to help support other creators in the network if they want to do like marketing or if they want to try to get some people to do editing for them and stuff like that. So we use it to support a bunch of people. So even a small donation to us goes to a bunch of other people too that we love and support and that you have heard on our show multiple times.
02:25:00
Speaker
please consider if you can. And if it's not gonna hurt your bank, help us out. We really appreciate it. I think the smallest thing on there is like $5.00. Yep, it's five bucks.
02:25:11
Speaker
your coffee for the morning. You're fine. You can do you can do a one time donation or you can do a subscription if you like. They're all appreciated. Whatever. If we help fill the void in your loneliness for once, two hours period. Yeah, I think I think it was five dollars. Yeah, I'd say two and a half hours of a recording for this one. Definitely worth it to fuck up if you're being lonely. Come on.
02:25:34
Speaker
Thanks. Thanks for listening. We love us. We love you. Thanks for listening. That's right. Does anybody want to do a question today? Yes. Did you pick one already? I did. All right, go for it, Adrian. Okay. Good fruits to eat in the shower. Question mark. Is that the title of the question? Yes. What's the question?
02:25:58
Speaker
I know the question is good foods to eat in the shower. I'm looking for some good waterproof foods that could be eaten in the shower. I've already thought of the obvious like various fruits and vegetables and maybe a nice bit of ham.
02:26:21
Speaker
So here's one here's one that I know you can do. I don't know if you guys have this in Germany, but there's a food called there's a candy called Laffy Taffy. And Taffy is very hearty and takes a long time to dissolve. Probably not healthy for you and not terrible for your teeth because you have to really bite into it and pull. I feel like I have a whole bag of just banana or a fresh banana. But they said fruits and vegetables are already kind of obvious. So they they already know they can eat fruits or a hamburger.
02:26:50
Speaker
If you like your ham, yeah. Yeah, hamburger. Listen, put your soup into a bottle and drink it. Ooh, there you go. Not your soup into the bottle. Take a bag, put soup in it, a fish, and you even have some protein.
02:27:07
Speaker
Or put some bullion cubes in your shower head and then you'll just be bathed in soup. Yes, you will be the soup. You will be. I mean, I have a shower bowl, so I don't know what these people are doing eating in the shower. You have a shower bowl as in one that you take hits from? Yeah.
02:27:25
Speaker
Oh, okay. I, I just want to make sure that's what you meant. It wasn't a ball that you needed. Listen, we don't discriminate against eating weed, right? We think we should be legal to eat for anyone who wants to eat weed, right? You gotta get into something. Smoking is bad for you.
02:27:49
Speaker
You put it in brownies. I mean, it is that it's actually true. Yeah. Or put it in a salad or eat it in the shower. You know what? I would put a little ranch in some weed, man. For real. I've never partaken in this stuff, but I think that if it were, you know, schmeared with some ketchup and presented to me in the shower, I might give it a try. I mean, why not?
02:28:16
Speaker
Yeah, so there's a lesson today, guys. Listen, the best thing you can eat is weed in the shower. Yeah, that's the Cassie PSA for the day. Cassie Pissa. Yeah. And don't worry, guys, because it's not the size of the boat nor the motion of the ocean. It's whether the captain can stay in for long enough for everyone to get off. You're welcome. Sex joke. Nope. Not the size of the ship is the motion of the ocean. But if you put it in your dock, you'll put it what?
02:28:47
Speaker
It's the weather the captain can stay in port long enough for everyone to get off. For everyone to get off. Why would he not be able to get off? Let's wait a few more seconds and end the episode unless you edit things out because it's almost 2.30. Oh yeah, we're at 2.30. We'll see if it's going to be longer because I have to put in the intro. The music in the beginning, yeah.
02:29:09
Speaker
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's already passed now. Now, OK, we've been recording for two and a half hours. We're already past the threshold that we're going to edit out something really stupid that we do. It doesn't work. Definitely some material you can cut out. By 15, 14, 13 hours. We have to record until two and a half hours, guys, even though it's going to be a little longer now with the intro. Oh, fuck. I only have six. Everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Bye.
02:30:41
Speaker
Does it look good already?