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How To Stop Being A Femcel
44 Plays3 years ago
The queens give ruthless (but true) advice on how femcels can change their quality of life. Shoot for average, sistren.
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Transcript
Introduction and Overview
00:00:06
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:00:07
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female only podcast on the internet.
00:00:11
Speaker
I'm Ro.
00:00:12
Speaker
I'm Savannah.
00:00:13
Speaker
And I'm Lilla.
00:00:14
Speaker
All right.
00:00:14
Speaker
So today I wanted to do a follow up to our previous episode that we did about the article in Atlantic detailing the secret lives of fem cells.
00:00:24
Speaker
It seems like we're harping on this subject somewhat, but I think it's important to talk about the struggles that women face that are sometimes a little bit invisible.
00:00:33
Speaker
I know we mostly talked about that article in the context of like who they are, what they believe, et cetera.
00:00:39
Speaker
But I think that it would be great to actually have some strategies for women who identify as femcells.
00:00:45
Speaker
It's debatable whether they actually are fem cells, but for women who identify as fem cells or women who feel like they have difficulties dating because they're not physically attractive, what can you do?
00:00:54
Speaker
And why it doesn't matter?
00:00:56
Speaker
And then what are the alternatives?
00:00:57
Speaker
And I think this is a good discussion because I think it'll give practical strategies for women who otherwise feel marginalized from the dating scene and to go ahead and find some kind of tools to move forward if they are really seeking out relationships.
00:01:09
Speaker
Cool.
Understanding Femcel Challenges
00:01:10
Speaker
Sounds good.
00:01:10
Speaker
And I'm going to be somewhat skeptical.
00:01:12
Speaker
I am going to be a little skeptical this episode just because I don't know if themselves even like want to date.
00:01:18
Speaker
And if they do, like, I don't know if like the strategies and advice that we would give, I don't know if they would actually want to do those things, but we're going to try.
00:01:26
Speaker
Well, I'm making the assumption that they do want to improve because so many of them are focused on like lookism and then trying to look smacks.
00:01:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:01:35
Speaker
Right.
00:01:36
Speaker
And trying to make themselves more attractive.
00:01:38
Speaker
But as we've discussed in previous episodes, like most of it is actually psychological.
00:01:43
Speaker
Some of it may actually be physical things that they can change, but most of the time it's actually an attitude issue or just the circumstances of where they're born and maybe them not having like a good and healthy environment for them to be.
00:01:57
Speaker
And I just want to say that just because you're not conventionally attractive, that doesn't mean that you're not attractive.
00:02:03
Speaker
I think people conflate the two.
00:02:05
Speaker
If you don't fit and narrow or if you don't like fit and
00:02:09
Speaker
the beauty standard then you're completely written off and that's just not the case and it's not how men work as well because you see men partnered up with women I hate using scales but if you want to use scales we're just going to run with it just for just for ease but you see men partnered up with women from one to ten on the scale so to speak on the look scale like you see it all the time and I want to
00:02:29
Speaker
preface the rest of this episode by saying this is going to be real advice, not necessarily nice advice, like advice people want to hear.
00:02:36
Speaker
And I think that's definitely a 180 pivot away from the traditional advice, which is what the fem cells were complaining about in the Atlantic article is that the idea that everyone is beautiful and like so much of femme body positivity, feminism focused on making women feel quote, beautiful women who don't internally feel beautiful.
00:02:54
Speaker
And then not acknowledging that some women actually really do struggle in no amount of like
00:02:58
Speaker
Girl bossing and power positivity
Femcel Culture and Self-Perception
00:03:00
Speaker
and like toxic positivity is going to change that.
00:03:03
Speaker
So I kind of want to acknowledge the fact, okay, if you're a woman and you're starting to feel like, okay, I'm really getting locked out of the dating scene and being taken seriously as a romantic partner, what's wrong with me?
00:03:13
Speaker
Here's some things that might be wrong and there might be nothing wrong, right?
00:03:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:17
Speaker
Yeah, I think we should do an episode on the body positivity movement because I have a lot to say about that.
00:03:22
Speaker
Yeah, that's a controversial one.
00:03:24
Speaker
That may be bonus content or a main.
00:03:26
Speaker
It's not controversial to me.
00:03:28
Speaker
I think it's bollocks, but I will go into that.
00:03:31
Speaker
No, the stuff that I want to say about body positivity is controversial.
00:03:37
Speaker
Oh, okay.
00:03:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:38
Speaker
Oh, fair.
00:03:39
Speaker
As always, Lilith.
00:03:40
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:40
Speaker
We'll do an episode on that coming.
00:03:42
Speaker
I offend everyone on all sides.
00:03:45
Speaker
So I want to start off by splitting the fem cells or the self-identified fem cells into two groups, which are fake fem cells, women who aren't really fem cells, who are average or even above average looking, but have some kind of issue versus the women who like will legitimately have struggles because they have some kind of serious deformity, et cetera.
00:04:04
Speaker
Because those are actually two different groups.
00:04:05
Speaker
And like we discussed in the last episode, we talked about with femcells.
00:04:09
Speaker
People are using the word femcell to mean anything nowadays.
00:04:11
Speaker
Like they'll be like, oh, I'm a femcell because I have a messy room or I'm a femcell because I listen to like Marina or Melanie Martinez or some shit like that.
00:04:19
Speaker
You know, like that's fake femcell shit.
00:04:21
Speaker
Or that's femcell culture or like femcell memes, but like memified femcell culture.
00:04:27
Speaker
But they're not real femcells, in my opinion, anyways.
00:04:31
Speaker
Right.
00:04:31
Speaker
Or like we even said, a lot of them would post their selfies and they would look fine, if not great.
00:04:36
Speaker
And so it seems like it was majority of them had some kind of alternative issue.
00:04:40
Speaker
Body dysmorphia.
00:04:42
Speaker
Yeah, body dysmorphia or just alternative social issue that wasn't actually their looks that was perhaps causing them to be singled out, to be bullied and or, you know, just feeling less than their best.
00:04:52
Speaker
So just like incels, when you look at the fem cell demographic, it's mostly young women.
00:04:57
Speaker
So you're talking about women who are in
Societal Expectations and Grooming
00:05:00
Speaker
their teens and early 20s who are going through, for the most part, some kind of awkward phase are just not yet like secure in their body because they're still growing, etc.
00:05:09
Speaker
And a lot of them were bullied.
00:05:11
Speaker
So a lot of the women who are self-identified femcels, like the Atlantic article discusses, they were singled out among their peers to say like, oh, this person's ugly or this person's undesirable in our social group.
00:05:22
Speaker
So we wanted to talk about like why sometimes women like that end up femcels and like what could be realistically done, especially if you're a teenager and you're in high school and
00:05:32
Speaker
And after that, if after you graduate, like what you can do to put yourself in a place where you'll be able to rebuild your self-esteem and learn to like yourself.
00:05:40
Speaker
So one of the first things that comes to mind, and I'm going to do this in like a numbered order.
00:05:44
Speaker
One of the first things that comes to mind when we talk about fem cells is poor grooming.
00:05:48
Speaker
And like, just like Lilith said, it's become a meme where a lot of them, like they have dirty rooms, they don't take care of themselves, et cetera.
00:05:54
Speaker
You're not ugly.
00:05:55
Speaker
You're just dirty.
00:05:56
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:05:57
Speaker
And I see what's mean, but once again, this is going to be the real advice and not the nice advice.
00:06:02
Speaker
But a lot of them, when you look at them, it just seems like it's a case of like their grooming standards are below their peers, which is causing them to be singled out unfairly.
00:06:11
Speaker
They're not uglier than their peers.
00:06:12
Speaker
Their grooming standards are below their peers in some kind of material way.
00:06:17
Speaker
And sometimes it's not their fault, right?
00:06:18
Speaker
Sometimes it's just a matter of like, they're poor.
00:06:21
Speaker
You know, if you're poor, you might not be ugly.
00:06:23
Speaker
You might just be poor, meaning like you can't afford like nicer clothes.
00:06:26
Speaker
You can't afford makeup, et cetera, things to make yourself look nice in comparison to some of your peers.
00:06:32
Speaker
So that's one of those times where you have to just have some kind of awareness to know that like people are shitty and people are jerks and you're not actually a fun sell.
00:06:39
Speaker
You're not actually ugly.
00:06:41
Speaker
You just, for whatever reason, aren't being singled out because your grooming standards are below that of your peers.
00:06:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:45
Speaker
And to be fair, like it gets a little complicated, I find with like radical feminism and stuff, because, you know, things like shaving your legs, you know, a lot of girls, for example, will get like bullied for having hairy legs or something like that.
00:06:56
Speaker
Right.
00:06:57
Speaker
You know, the rad femme discourse, I guess, is like, don't shave
Personal Identity and Beauty Standards
00:07:00
Speaker
your legs because it's a patriarchal expectation.
00:07:02
Speaker
And, you know, you're oppressing women by shaving your legs and stuff.
00:07:05
Speaker
And honestly, if you don't want to get bullied for having hairy legs, just shave your legs or cover your legs.
00:07:10
Speaker
I know it's like harsh, but or just like accept that you're going to get bullied.
00:07:13
Speaker
I don't know what else to say.
00:07:14
Speaker
It's like, it makes me wonder like how much of this like rad femme, like, you know, anti beauty standard stuff is actually just like hope for women who either don't want to do those grooming things or like they feel like they're so ugly that even if they did do the grooming things, there'd be like no point.
00:07:29
Speaker
And then it's like, you know, for me to participate in grooming would be to participate in my own oppression.
00:07:33
Speaker
I'm gilding my own cage kind of thing, right?
00:07:36
Speaker
I don't know.
00:07:36
Speaker
I kind of just roll my eyes at people like that.
00:07:38
Speaker
I'm like, if you don't want to do those things, then don't.
00:07:40
Speaker
But like, you know, it probably would...
00:07:43
Speaker
make your life better if you did do them, unfortunately.
00:07:45
Speaker
That's just reality.
00:07:47
Speaker
Yeah.
00:07:47
Speaker
And I talked about this in the discord, but this is a particular area of like sensitivity for me because of the fact that my parents were really, really heavily religious.
00:07:57
Speaker
So they like, didn't want me to like shave and didn't want me to wear makeup, et cetera.
00:08:01
Speaker
Even my hairstyle was really, really controversial because I thought some hairstyles would look too adult for my age, et cetera.
00:08:08
Speaker
But like the reality of that is it was worth the fight I have with my parents.
00:08:11
Speaker
And then eventually me getting a job and just getting money and sneaking around and like buying all my grooming stuff myself.
00:08:16
Speaker
Because of the fact that like in high school, if you are significantly less groomed than your peers, you'll stand out.
00:08:23
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:23
Speaker
And that can cause you to be bullied.
00:08:25
Speaker
So if it's like an issue with your parents because they're like weirdly controlling, and this happens a lot to girls, especially, they're really controlling over your looks.
00:08:34
Speaker
It's worth actually fighting for.
00:08:37
Speaker
I hate to say it.
00:08:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:40
Speaker
I really relate to that, actually, because like for different reasons, like yours was for more religious reasons.
00:08:44
Speaker
But my mom was just a narcissist and she made me ugly on purpose just because she didn't want me to outshine her or whatever.
00:08:51
Speaker
So like growing up as a child, she like never bought me like
00:08:54
Speaker
You know, we had money like she could have put me in like nice clothes, but she chose to put me in like hand me downs, like sweatpants and like baggy t shirts and stuff, anything to like hide my body.
00:09:04
Speaker
I looked like under the age of like 12.
00:09:05
Speaker
I was like so ugly, just honestly.
00:09:07
Speaker
And then I started like baby.
00:09:09
Speaker
babysitting, getting my own money.
00:09:10
Speaker
Like for me, like grooming myself, putting in hair extensions, dressing more fashionably and stuff like that, that was an act of rebellion against my parents.
00:09:18
Speaker
Right.
00:09:18
Speaker
Like from my starting point to me, that was an act of rebellion.
00:09:22
Speaker
Right.
00:09:22
Speaker
And so some of these women who harp on the beauty standard stuff, they honestly kind of remind me of my mom, like, just make yourself ugly so that I feel better about myself, like kind of thing.
00:09:29
Speaker
Right.
00:09:30
Speaker
So like, it is unfortunate that people bully you for being less attractive.
00:09:34
Speaker
But for me, I just, you know, I would say just do the cost benefit analysis.
00:09:38
Speaker
If you think it's going to be worth it for you, then why not?
00:09:41
Speaker
It looks like the femtiles have acknowledged some of that because they have like these looks maxing manuals.
00:09:46
Speaker
And Gen Z, you have it kind of lucky because you have just like a lot of tutorials online, right?
00:09:51
Speaker
You have the internet and there's just like a million.
00:09:54
Speaker
My makeup when I was a teenager was so ugly.
00:09:56
Speaker
Right?
00:09:57
Speaker
Exactly.
00:09:58
Speaker
Like we had to like read books
Navigating Social Expectations
00:10:00
Speaker
about makeup before the internet.
00:10:03
Speaker
Exactly.
00:10:04
Speaker
Back in our day, we had to figure out the hard way, which was like trial and error and just like looking stupid a few days.
00:10:10
Speaker
Like every time you would try some new style versus like now where you can go online and you can see there's so many beauty gurus now.
00:10:17
Speaker
So you just have to find someone who looks kind of like you and then follow exactly what they're doing.
00:10:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:22
Speaker
Find a beauty guru who has a similar appearance as you.
00:10:26
Speaker
And then like get some tips and tricks, right?
00:10:29
Speaker
Don't imitate them exactly because that's also fucking weird.
00:10:31
Speaker
Like we said in the previous fem cell episode as well, a lot of women who are considered beautiful are actually average women who just put in a lot of work in their grooming because grooming is also like a class signifier.
00:10:43
Speaker
Yeah, definitely.
00:10:45
Speaker
Sometimes it has less to do with what you look like and more to do with like the effort and the effort you put behind your looks as well as like the kinds of designers you can afford.
00:10:54
Speaker
And it's part of the reason why, even though we have things like Instagram and, you know, Pinterest and you have that representation, but it also gives people, I think, a very, very warped idea of what's attainable for most women.
00:11:06
Speaker
Because a lot of these Instagram people, they're very, very good at, you know, showing off the clothes that they're wearing.
00:11:11
Speaker
But what you don't see is just like Rose said, the amount of, for example, like effort and the amount of money that goes into them looking a particular way.
00:11:21
Speaker
So this is why I'd always say to women, don't feel bad if you can't essentially match up to that, because it takes a lot of effort.
00:11:28
Speaker
Even if the person is, I want to say, for example, like plus size, we often, you know, correlate that with people that don't make any effort.
00:11:35
Speaker
But even plus size models, they have to put in a lot of effort to maintain the way they look and to look a certain way.
00:11:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:42
Speaker
So you don't have to be like the most fashion forward of all your peers.
00:11:45
Speaker
But the goal is to just not be noticeably significantly less groomed than your peers are.
00:11:51
Speaker
I want to say it's okay to be average.
00:11:53
Speaker
That's actually the other thing is like too many people right now we're striving for exceptionalism.
00:11:58
Speaker
You know, we look at beauty on Instagram, we're trying to be like a 10 out of 10.
00:12:02
Speaker
I think that is unachievable for most people.
00:12:05
Speaker
It's okay to aim for six, right?
00:12:08
Speaker
It's okay to be average, right?
00:12:09
Speaker
Like, you know, if you look at like a group of high school kids and stuff, like they all kind of look the same.
00:12:14
Speaker
They're all kind of average.
00:12:15
Speaker
The ones that get bullied are the ones that really, really stick out.
00:12:17
Speaker
And so, yeah, like stop striving for impossible beauty standards.
00:12:20
Speaker
Just strive for average.
00:12:22
Speaker
Okay.
00:12:22
Speaker
Like then your life will be happy enough.
00:12:24
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:12:26
Speaker
Like for fitness, don't starve yourself trying to be a size zero or whatever, right?
00:12:29
Speaker
Like, you know, you're never going to be an Instagram fitness model unless you're like genetically gifted or just live that kind of lifestyle already, right?
00:12:35
Speaker
And a lot of them have had surgery as well.
00:12:37
Speaker
They just don't tell you.
00:12:39
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:12:39
Speaker
Right.
00:12:39
Speaker
Like unless you're willing to spend tens of thousands of dollars on surgery, like you're probably never going to look like an Instagram model.
00:12:45
Speaker
And that's OK.
00:12:45
Speaker
You can still live a perfectly happy life having like an average body fat percentage or having like an average body.
00:12:52
Speaker
Right.
00:12:53
Speaker
You don't have to be super skinny.
00:12:54
Speaker
You can just be normal.
00:12:55
Speaker
That's OK.
00:12:56
Speaker
Yes.
00:12:56
Speaker
So that brings me to my second point, which is a lot of women consider themselves
Influence of Parental and Peer Dynamics
00:13:00
Speaker
fem cells because they're significantly overweight.
00:13:02
Speaker
And this is so regional.
00:13:04
Speaker
And I've had this discussion with some other FDS members where, you know, the emphasis on your weight and like what's an acceptable weight range so that you're not, again, significantly outside your peers' weight.
00:13:17
Speaker
really, really differs depending on like where you are in the country.
00:13:19
Speaker
Like obviously if you're in a city or a country that's really, really fashion forward in the States, that would be like New York, LA, Miami, Vegas, places where there's like huge fashion industries or entertainment industries, hospitality industries.
00:13:33
Speaker
Then there's a ton of emphasis on women's weight as far as like being skinny because like part of the economy there is the women there, right?
00:13:41
Speaker
because they are part of the fashion industry or they're part of the hospitality industry, which tends to put a premium on how women look.
00:13:47
Speaker
Whereas there's other places in the country where, and we already know this, that the United States is one of the- Like Ohio?
00:13:52
Speaker
United States is one of the fattest countries.
00:13:55
Speaker
Just move to Ohio.
00:13:56
Speaker
That's why other piece of advice for FebCells, move to Cleveland or something where you can just be a Cleveland 10.
00:14:03
Speaker
You might be in LA too, but you'll be a Cleveland 10.
00:14:08
Speaker
That was going to be my legit advice that like try to get to a healthy weight, like realistically for your own sake, for your longevity, try to get to a healthy weight.
00:14:17
Speaker
But if you're just like, man, I either don't want to put in the effort.
00:14:21
Speaker
I like to eat or you have some kind of conditions such that like it's really, really hard for you to get down to a healthy weight.
00:14:27
Speaker
Then I actually think it might be beneficial to move to a place where like the culture is more surrounded around food.
00:14:34
Speaker
Move to Louisiana and get some
00:14:38
Speaker
Swear to God.
00:14:39
Speaker
In the South, like I think most of the quote fattest cities in America are in the South or Midwest.
00:14:44
Speaker
There's barbecue, there's Tex-Mex.
00:14:46
Speaker
And everyone is fat there, right?
00:14:47
Speaker
So you won't stick out.
00:14:48
Speaker
You'll be average, right?
00:14:50
Speaker
Everyone's fat.
00:14:51
Speaker
Exactly.
00:14:54
Speaker
So what if somebody can't actually afford to move?
00:14:57
Speaker
These places are cheaper to live.
00:14:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:14:59
Speaker
LA is super, they actually will be saving money.
00:15:01
Speaker
Okay.
00:15:02
Speaker
LA, New York, the places where it's most important to be hot is also the most expensive place to live.
00:15:07
Speaker
I mean, I get that, but also this isn't just like, we don't just have like people in the US.
00:15:11
Speaker
It's also Europe and around the world as well.
00:15:13
Speaker
And moving, even if it's cheaper is fucking expensive.
00:15:16
Speaker
Like even if you're moving from one place that is, you know, more expensive to another, like,
00:15:21
Speaker
In the UK, people take out personal loans to move because, I mean, you're looking at around at least three grand if you want to move somewhere.
00:15:29
Speaker
Isn't the UK also one of the most obese countries in Europe, though?
00:15:34
Speaker
In Europe, yeah.
00:15:36
Speaker
So if you're English-speaking, chances are you're probably from the UK, so you're probably fine.
00:15:40
Speaker
So, no.
00:15:41
Speaker
But even still, like, I mean, like, what is the advice if somebody can't move or if they have, for example, isn't even just about moving just, I know, to be average.
00:15:49
Speaker
It's also there could be things keeping you in that particular area as well.
00:15:52
Speaker
I'm just conscious of the advice that we just tell people to move when moving isn't that straightforward of a decision and it may not even solve their problem.
00:15:59
Speaker
It may not solve their problem, but honestly, as a person who's traveled a lot, like cities have cultures.
00:16:05
Speaker
And so if you are in a city where you don't fit the culture, it's honestly uphill climb.
00:16:09
Speaker
And it's actually, I think, worth for your mental health to move to a city where you'll be around your tribe, right?
00:16:14
Speaker
If you're a person that just knows you, like you want to be a big party animal.
00:16:18
Speaker
You want to eat a lot.
00:16:19
Speaker
Go to the South.
00:16:20
Speaker
Eat all that barbecue.
00:16:21
Speaker
I'm dead ass.
00:16:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:23
Speaker
And I know that sounds horrible, but like I said, I actually think that's worth, I think that's better than doing things like plastic surgery, to be honest with you.
00:16:29
Speaker
And be landed with their lack of abortion rights.
00:16:31
Speaker
But that's a different issue.
00:16:34
Speaker
True.
00:16:35
Speaker
Oh yeah, shit.
00:16:36
Speaker
Be stuck with their lack of abortion rights.
00:16:39
Speaker
That's it.
00:16:40
Speaker
And we basically move from like LA where it seems pretty liberal to the South for man.
00:16:45
Speaker
But by the way, if you need an abortion, you're fucked.
00:16:47
Speaker
No, no, no, not for a man.
00:16:49
Speaker
It's not for a man.
00:16:50
Speaker
It's for your quality of life.
00:16:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:16:52
Speaker
All quality of life.
00:16:53
Speaker
But then what's the point if your reproductive rights are just...
00:16:57
Speaker
I mean, if you're like eating yourself into a coma,
Empowerment and Authenticity
00:17:00
Speaker
like, are you going to be having sex?
00:17:03
Speaker
I mean, that's pretty far though.
00:17:04
Speaker
Like when you talk about eating yourself into a coma, you're talking about like 600 pound life.
00:17:08
Speaker
I'm talking about the people.
00:17:09
Speaker
I assume you're talking about the people that are maybe chubby, overweight, like not necessarily like by 600 pound life.
00:17:16
Speaker
Are there blue states that have a good food culture?
00:17:19
Speaker
Let me Google this.
00:17:20
Speaker
Fattest cities in America.
00:17:23
Speaker
answer yeah i'm just conscious of the advice that we're giving like just move to a red state but if their rights are going to be worse off then we shouldn't really be encouraging them to that maybe you move to a purple state then yeah move to a purple state like i don't know what a purple state is it's usually a politically diverse state oh okay yeah the most obese cities are all in the south so calin texas memphis tennessee knoxville tennessee mobile alabama jackson mississippi so they're shit out of luck basically so well
00:17:51
Speaker
Yeah, but there's some slightly purple cities in here and states in here.
00:17:54
Speaker
So like Winston, Salem, North Carolina.
00:17:57
Speaker
Yeah, like Oklahoma, I think it's reddish purple.
00:18:00
Speaker
It's like reddish purple.
00:18:01
Speaker
Can I just say that the hottest American men I've ever met were always from Raleigh?
00:18:06
Speaker
Is that North Carolina?
00:18:07
Speaker
Like every single hot American man I've ever met was from Raleigh.
00:18:10
Speaker
So this is completely unrelated.
00:18:12
Speaker
But if you're looking for a hot country boy, move to Raleigh.
00:18:14
Speaker
Like, honestly...
00:18:17
Speaker
That's my type.
00:18:19
Speaker
Okay.
00:18:19
Speaker
So the other option too, I've noticed is that usually outside of the central hub city.
00:18:25
Speaker
So if you go outside of like New York, then you, and you go outside of LA and some of the farther out cities and counties, they're like not exactly the suburbs, but they're a little bit farther out.
00:18:36
Speaker
Like they're a little bit more like I'm working class.
00:18:38
Speaker
Then you'll see a lot more obese people as well.
00:18:41
Speaker
So sometimes you don't actually have to move states.
00:18:42
Speaker
You could just move a couple of cities over.
00:18:44
Speaker
Fair.
00:18:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:48
Speaker
I want to point out that like, you know, when it comes to like, I'm feeling insecure about my weight type of discourse, you know, the existing dialogue generally be like, oh, here's how you can lose weight, you know, telling women to lose weight.
00:18:59
Speaker
Or they'll be like, you're beautiful just the way you are.
00:19:01
Speaker
And anyone who doesn't think so is like fat phobic or whatever.
00:19:04
Speaker
Just point out that FDS is like, our advice is completely away in the left field.
00:19:09
Speaker
It's mean, but honest.
00:19:11
Speaker
It's like, if you don't want to lose weight, then don't.
00:19:13
Speaker
But just move to a place where instead of you being fat,
00:19:16
Speaker
The average compared to other people.
00:19:18
Speaker
Where it's not a social liability for you.
00:19:20
Speaker
Yeah, where it won't be as much of a social liability.
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:19:22
Speaker
And like I said, it's not the nicest thing to say, but it's also honest.
00:19:25
Speaker
It's like, why keep like, you know, torturing yourself trying to fit a beauty standard that you either can't commit to because you just don't want to, or it's a medical condition that you can't.
00:19:35
Speaker
I actually think it's important to find your tribe for your own mental health.
00:19:38
Speaker
I actually think it's actually better rather than trying to be like, I don't fit in here.
00:19:42
Speaker
Like, obviously, if you live in like Beverly Hills and, you know, you want to like wolf down barbecue ribs every weekend, like you're going to be outside of that culture, right?
00:19:51
Speaker
Because like that's like the sushi and green juice culture.
00:19:55
Speaker
And you want to eat differently.
00:19:56
Speaker
You want to live differently.
00:19:57
Speaker
So if you want to live differently, I don't even think you should feel bad about
Building Healthy Relationships
00:20:00
Speaker
it.
00:20:00
Speaker
I think you should just go to a place that makes you feel good.
00:20:03
Speaker
Embrace this is the lifestyle that I want to live.
00:20:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:06
Speaker
Just own that shit.
00:20:07
Speaker
Right.
00:20:07
Speaker
I feel like that's way healthier than like the fitness culture and like lying to yourself.
00:20:12
Speaker
Yeah, it's healthier than lying to yourself.
00:20:14
Speaker
And it's healthier than expecting other people to lie to you.
00:20:16
Speaker
That's the other thing about like the forced body positivity or like obligate body positivity stuff.
00:20:21
Speaker
Like, I don't know.
00:20:22
Speaker
It's like just embrace your body the way it is.
00:20:24
Speaker
You don't want to lose weight.
00:20:25
Speaker
I will say like, yeah, losing weight is really hard.
00:20:27
Speaker
And a lot of people just don't want to do that.
00:20:29
Speaker
And that's fine.
00:20:30
Speaker
Like, that's okay.
00:20:31
Speaker
Like we all have different priorities, right?
00:20:33
Speaker
And as someone from the Midwest, you can have a great quality of life and be very, very obese.
00:20:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:20:38
Speaker
And a lot of cities.
00:20:40
Speaker
I actually also want to say again, in terms of like reframing, like standards for what is like a healthy body and stuff.
00:20:46
Speaker
Like I want to say in my personal opinion, the ideal female body, again, my personal opinion, if you don't fit this, don't get offended.
00:20:55
Speaker
I'm not calling you ugly.
00:20:57
Speaker
In my personal opinion, the best or most ideal female body is between 30 to 35% body fat, which is a little on the higher spectrum, actually, like, and then as much muscle as like, you can reasonably achieve without steroids.
00:21:09
Speaker
That's what I think is, in terms of health, the most beneficial to women.
00:21:13
Speaker
Because first of all, having a little bit of extra body fat is good to like throw around in a fight.
00:21:18
Speaker
Like if you ever get in a physical confrontation, like it's better to have that extra weight, you know, if you weigh like 150 pounds, a guy could just like pick you up and like throw you, right?
00:21:25
Speaker
Right.
00:21:25
Speaker
Like it's better to have that, you know, on your side.
00:21:28
Speaker
Secondly, you actually need some body fat to like regulate your hormones and stuff.
00:21:31
Speaker
Like a lot of women think they have to get like under 25% body fat if they want to be seen as attractive or if they want to be seen as healthy or whatever.
00:21:38
Speaker
And I find like, you know, the lower the body fat percentage you go, the harder it is to maintain and the harder it is to regulate your own hormones.
00:21:45
Speaker
So just for like an overall like day to day, like quality of life, having like an average to slightly on the higher end of average spectrum of body fat percentage is like is acceptable.
00:21:54
Speaker
So at the beginning of your weight loss journey and you actually do want to lose weight, again, I'm not saying you have to lose weight, but if you are overweight and you want to lose weight, it's okay for your goal to be like 30% body fat or 35% body fat.
00:22:05
Speaker
I think that's very achievable and you can live a great quality of life with that.
00:22:09
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:22:09
Speaker
So it all comes down to how much effort you want to put into either of these areas.
00:22:13
Speaker
And the goal is always to not be so noticeably below your peers that it causes you to be socially isolated or bullied.
00:22:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:21
Speaker
So if you can't move, then it's like, it's a little bit tougher, like Savannah said.
00:22:26
Speaker
So try to move a couple of cities over if you can, if you're still in high school.
00:22:31
Speaker
I think actually do your best to, like Lilith said, get down to like 35% body fat, like get down to good enough, right?
00:22:37
Speaker
It doesn't have to be amazing.
00:22:38
Speaker
It just has to be good enough.
00:22:40
Speaker
Like 35% body fat is just like an average...
00:22:43
Speaker
woman.
00:22:44
Speaker
You just look at a normal non-obese woman and you're like, she's probably 30 to 35% body fat, maybe even slightly curvy.
00:22:50
Speaker
So I think that some women are genetically just like that actually, in which case I'm a little bit jealous, you know?
00:22:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:55
Speaker
If you live in a house where, you know, it's very difficult to eat healthy because your family eats unhealthy, just like the poor grooming situation, like this is a time where it's actually worth investing in your health and trying to eat healthier.
00:23:08
Speaker
I mean, like spending your own money on like healthier foods, if you can get a job, et cetera.
00:23:13
Speaker
We're mostly talking about high school because this is like the time when you're starting to socially transition and where these types of things kind of matter.
00:23:19
Speaker
Junior high is just sort of a crapshoot.
00:23:21
Speaker
That's like the age that femcels are also is like, you know, teenage and like young 20s.
00:23:25
Speaker
Generally, I find women over the age of 25.
00:23:27
Speaker
They're not femcels anymore.
00:23:28
Speaker
They just don't give a shit.
00:23:29
Speaker
Like, yeah, they find their lane.
00:23:31
Speaker
Yeah, they figure it out.
00:23:32
Speaker
But we're talking about like, yeah, women under 25 generally is the femcel demographic.
00:23:37
Speaker
Where you're stuck in a social environment you can't necessarily control, like, or you're just learning how to leave.
00:23:42
Speaker
So like in your teens, you're obviously in high school, you may not be able to control where you live.
00:23:47
Speaker
But as you start to, when you graduate, and as you start to move out in the world, this is what you can do.
00:23:52
Speaker
And this is what I've seen women do to increase their quality of life after being labeled, quote, femcells.
00:23:57
Speaker
And if we're talking about men as well, because, you know, assuming
Dating and Self-Worth
00:24:00
Speaker
that every fem cell wants to be noticed by men, the older you get, the more you realize that a lot of men just don't care as much as women think they care about stuff like, I don't know, for example, cellulite or a back roll or something like that.
00:24:12
Speaker
They just don't care in my experience anyway.
00:24:15
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:15
Speaker
So the caveat to all of this advice is that no matter how bad you think you are, there's always a man that's worse off.
00:24:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:28
Speaker
Quite frankly, if you have a pussy, you won.
00:24:30
Speaker
That was not what I was expecting, but I can't.
00:24:35
Speaker
People think that fem cells don't really exist to a certain extent.
00:24:38
Speaker
Or that they're all vol cells, voluntary celibates.
00:24:41
Speaker
I would say they're vol cells, but like, well, they want romantic relationships, which are hard for everybody right now.
00:24:47
Speaker
But and we'll get into that as well.
00:24:48
Speaker
But the idea that like you can't can't get any guy to pay attention to you is just not true.
00:24:54
Speaker
I'd say probably say for about like maybe 90 percent of women.
00:24:57
Speaker
Perhaps that's not true.
00:24:59
Speaker
I don't know.
00:24:59
Speaker
I feel like this episode is going to be like tone deaf as hell because I actually don't know what it's like to be ugly.
00:25:03
Speaker
Like, I just can't relate.
00:25:05
Speaker
I'm sorry.
00:25:06
Speaker
I've never experienced that.
00:25:08
Speaker
It's just... I've never experienced that.
00:25:11
Speaker
I mean, I thought I was ugly growing up because my sisters were... I had two sisters and like one was a model and then I thought I was, but I think I'm just...
00:25:20
Speaker
I don't know.
00:25:21
Speaker
I'm not ugly.
00:25:22
Speaker
Like now I know that I'm not, but I don't know.
00:25:25
Speaker
I sort of remember sort of the mindset because I went, I think we're going to come on to it in a bit actually, or we might just skip ahead.
00:25:30
Speaker
Because I went to like a high school where I was like the only black person in like the whole school, maybe
00:25:35
Speaker
there was like one or two and like naturally I stood out like a sore thumb as well especially when I was surrounded by white girls who were tall they were very skinny and I just wasn't that at all so I get it you know when you stick out like a sore thumb and then you're comparing yourself constantly but even then I wouldn't I wouldn't say I was ugly because I was in a relationship at the time and I could still and I still had men wanting to date most in a relationship so yeah maybe I can't relate either
00:26:01
Speaker
There's lots of average men, right?
00:26:03
Speaker
So like, even when we talk about, when we talk about this, it's like your life isn't over if you're not like top tier attractive.
00:26:10
Speaker
And average doesn't necessarily mean unattractive as well.
00:26:13
Speaker
Like I feel like there is this dichotomy between ugly and not ugly.
00:26:16
Speaker
And it's not true.
00:26:17
Speaker
Like there are average, you know, looking men who I found really, really attractive, like personally attractive.
00:26:22
Speaker
Because it's not just about the way they look, it's about the way they speak, the way they carry themselves, their thought process, like looks.
00:26:28
Speaker
I just feel like with themselves, like just focusing on the exterior is just missing so much of what makes a person actually attractive.
00:26:36
Speaker
And it's not just the way they look in most cases.
00:26:38
Speaker
I mean, I think it's fair in the case of fem cells.
00:26:41
Speaker
I think it's more fair because like for women, our attraction is more holistic.
00:26:45
Speaker
It's like, yeah, it is important for the men to be facially gifted and have like a nice body.
00:26:50
Speaker
And like, you know, we also care about personality and is like general vibe.
00:26:53
Speaker
Right.
00:26:54
Speaker
I think men, again, like they're much more simple minded.
00:26:57
Speaker
And so they tend to just think of it like hot
Final Thoughts and Feedback
00:27:00
Speaker
or not.
00:27:00
Speaker
For men, it's men's attraction.
00:27:01
Speaker
I feel works much more.
00:27:03
Speaker
It's like a light switch.
00:27:04
Speaker
You know, whereas with women, it's like more of a spectrum and more complicated.
00:27:08
Speaker
But in terms of like a long lasting relationship, though, of all the couples that I know, it's not just looks that brought them together.
00:27:15
Speaker
If you're looking for a shag, then yeah, I think it's light switch.
00:27:18
Speaker
But in terms of long lasting relationships, I mean, obviously they want to find, I think a high value man, he'll want to find his woman attractive.
00:27:24
Speaker
But that's not the only thing that will keep him there at all.
00:27:27
Speaker
I mean, it's not the only thing that'll keep him there, but it is one of the requirements.
00:27:31
Speaker
Like, so generally.
00:27:33
Speaker
It's important, but this is what I'm saying.
00:27:35
Speaker
It's holistic, just like, you know, women's are.
00:27:37
Speaker
If we're looking for the long term with a high value man, he will also see you as a fully holistic human being and not just a shell.
00:27:44
Speaker
If a guy is only like with you for your looks, he's low value because he doesn't see you as a fully realized human being.
00:27:50
Speaker
Yes.
00:27:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:27:51
Speaker
So number three reason why you might be a fem cell, poverty.
00:27:54
Speaker
So there's an old adage that there's no ugly women, just poor.
00:27:59
Speaker
This is true.
00:28:00
Speaker
You're not ugly.
00:28:00
Speaker
You're just poor.
00:28:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:02
Speaker
You're not ugly.
00:28:02
Speaker
You're just poor.
00:28:03
Speaker
Like so many videos on this, but yeah.
00:28:05
Speaker
This is just an unfortunate side effect of any type of capitalist society.
00:28:10
Speaker
There are people who cannot afford to groom themselves or take care of themselves in the same way that other people can, which again, causes you to stick out.
00:28:18
Speaker
So I think we've already made a suggestion in the
00:28:20
Speaker
the previous points to if you can get a part-time job, it is worth at this stage using your money to... Again, the rad fums aren't going to love us, but it is worth using money to invest in your physical appearance, both internally because of your health as well as externally as well as your grooming.
00:28:36
Speaker
But if you're in a situation where...
00:28:39
Speaker
As a person who grew up poor, who also felt who's had to figure out a way to like get, be somewhat stylish, like by thrifting clothes or going, getting clothes from the Salvation Army.
00:28:49
Speaker
Like you also have to be somewhat resourceful.
00:28:52
Speaker
Even if you can't afford like the best things, there's lots of fast fashion and there's lots of places where you can get like clothing that you can kind of like self-style, right?
00:29:01
Speaker
Like you can still make yourself look presentable.
00:29:04
Speaker
Or just shoplift, honestly.
00:29:07
Speaker
Results criminally.
00:29:09
Speaker
petty theft honestly oh my god okay i'm not gonna i'm not gonna go okay never mind i'm not gonna go down that path but like i will say that like we live in a capitalist system were you the klepto friend what so were you the klepto friend in high school maybe okay we all had one klepto friend i did go through a phase actually like a compulsive stealing phase like a
00:29:32
Speaker
Tea leaf.
00:29:33
Speaker
Tea leaf alert.
00:29:34
Speaker
Tea leaf.
00:29:35
Speaker
I didn't go through a compostable steely face.
00:29:39
Speaker
A lilip with a tea leaf.
00:29:44
Speaker
Okay, so there's this thing.
00:29:46
Speaker
It's like the stupidest thing.
00:29:47
Speaker
Okay, so there's this thing for like, bored white women where it's like, we don't even like, how do I say this?
00:29:55
Speaker
It's like, we're not even like poor anything, you just steal for fun.
00:29:57
Speaker
But I actually think that that is less okay than people who steal like, because they can't afford it, right?
00:30:02
Speaker
So I'm saying like, the stealing that I did, I feel was not like ethical.
00:30:06
Speaker
But if you're poor and you live in a capitalist society and you can shoplift and not get caught, I support that.
00:30:12
Speaker
I think it's like them putting you in prison for stealing after you shoplift that that's wrong.
00:30:17
Speaker
Eat the rich.
00:30:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:30:20
Speaker
Like do it as a form of protest against our city capitalist society.
00:30:25
Speaker
Protest stealing.
00:30:27
Speaker
I mean, I would say though, if you are a woman, if there is like one piece of advice, I'd say it's non-negotiable in terms of improving the way that you look is get a proper fitting bra.
00:30:38
Speaker
Like 90% of women are in the wrong bra size and it will honestly transform the way that you look.
00:30:44
Speaker
It makes your posture bad too.
00:30:46
Speaker
It makes it bad.
00:30:47
Speaker
And also your clothes won't fit the way they should if your bra is shit.
00:30:51
Speaker
So I would honestly recommend getting professionally measured and doing it that way.
00:30:55
Speaker
Don't buy bras in shops off the rack because they often don't fit the way they should.
00:31:00
Speaker
And they're very, very generic sizing.
00:31:02
Speaker
Even if you buy two or three that fit really, really well, you can make them last a long time.
00:31:07
Speaker
And that'll be my biggest, especially if you are busty.
00:31:10
Speaker
It's
00:31:11
Speaker
like non-negotiable that you have a bra that fits you well.
00:31:13
Speaker
Because even in high school, I remember when the boys would always notice if a girl's bra didn't fit properly, because she'd have like the quadra boot and it'll be like visibly too small.
00:31:22
Speaker
So yeah, definitely, definitely invest in a good quality bra and bras.
00:31:27
Speaker
Well, a good point that was brought up by one of our Discord members is that putting in this effort when you're young is actually worth it.
00:31:35
Speaker
Because actually, as you get older, as you start to go out into the world and you start to get jobs, et cetera, certain levels of grooming start to be expected as the norm.
00:31:44
Speaker
And so sometimes for kids that didn't have the money or didn't put in the effort into their grooming and their health standards when they were young, it gets harder unless you obviously get come into more money when
00:31:56
Speaker
you're older, it does make you a little bit behind like your peers.
00:32:00
Speaker
So it's important, I think, to think of investing in your grooming and your looks as part of your general self-care, part of your general mental and physical health maintenance.
00:32:09
Speaker
And that it's actually a skill that you can learn and that a skill you should try, you know, you should try out in high school because a lot of times that's, regardless of the fact that people get made fun of, like that's sometimes the best place to make all your mistakes, right?
00:32:22
Speaker
Than trying to make them when you go out to the working world.
00:32:25
Speaker
Yeah, go through all your weird phases when you're high school.
00:32:28
Speaker
Then again, kids these days, they film everything.
00:32:30
Speaker
So even their shitty fashion choices are going to be documented forever.
00:32:34
Speaker
So I kind of feel bad for kids.
00:32:36
Speaker
Like anything that's on the Internet now, all the mistakes they made as a teenager are on the Internet for life.
00:32:40
Speaker
So that's one thing to keep in mind.
00:32:42
Speaker
But yeah, it is true that when you're in high school, it's the best time to make mistakes.
00:32:45
Speaker
Or college.
00:32:46
Speaker
Okay.
00:32:47
Speaker
So the next couple of points are more social issues that we're going to talk about that may make you a femcell.
00:32:54
Speaker
So like Savannah touched on a little bit earlier, if you are a racial minority in an area that's like predominantly white.
00:33:04
Speaker
Or even just in general, like let's be real.
00:33:08
Speaker
Yeah, in general, but like, especially that.
00:33:10
Speaker
So for myself, we moved around quite a bit when I was young.
00:33:13
Speaker
So I've lived in a lot of different neighborhoods with like different racial components and going from like a place that's either a lot of people of your same race or at least racially diverse to a place where like you are the minority, where you're like the lonely only can be kind of a mindfuck.
00:33:29
Speaker
It can be.
00:33:29
Speaker
So there's a lot of women who, especially on the fem cell boards, who are, they really obsess about like beauty standards as it pertains to race in particular and saying like, oh, I'm never going to be attractive because I'm not a blonde white woman.
00:33:44
Speaker
And there's even a pretty funny comment by a comedian, a pretty infamous Twitter comedian.
00:33:49
Speaker
I think it's Dana Donnelly, if I'm not mistaken.
00:33:51
Speaker
But she said like, when did you discover you weren't ugly?
00:33:53
Speaker
You're just not white.
00:33:54
Speaker
That for a lot of women.
00:33:55
Speaker
University for me.
00:33:59
Speaker
So for a lot of women, like if you're in a country where you are the minority and you're not like, that's another situation where you stand out, right?
00:34:06
Speaker
Like you are somewhere that's outside, so far outside of the norm that it's noticeable, which may cause you to be bullied or at least make you feel really, really insecure.
00:34:14
Speaker
This is why I'm kind of...
00:34:15
Speaker
I'm on the boat that representation actually really matters.
00:34:17
Speaker
And I think Gen Z is very lucky because of the internet now that like you can go online and see other people who look like you and create a beauty standard that's realistic for yourself.
00:34:28
Speaker
So you're not so like reliant on the beauty standards of the people in your immediate vicinity.
00:34:33
Speaker
Because if you try to look like someone you're not, like you're just going to end up frustrating yourself and like feeling like, well, I don't look like this type of person.
00:34:41
Speaker
I don't look like this
00:34:42
Speaker
I'm a racial minority and I can't live up to this standard and therefore I'm ugly, which is going to make you feel bad.
00:34:47
Speaker
And that's exactly what I did.
00:34:48
Speaker
Like when I started going to uni and I started having my own money, I just followed a bunch of content creators that that looked similar to me.
00:34:56
Speaker
And I just looked at the way they dress, what worked for them, what didn't work.
00:34:59
Speaker
for them as well and just essentially curated like my own style based off women who looked like me and had a similar body shape as well and also that's a life hack as well so when you're shopping online if you clothes shop online try and look for models who basically look similar to you because those are the clothes that will fit you best
00:35:17
Speaker
If it's being, for example, modelled by a tall, skinny white woman and you're not that, it's going to look different.
00:35:23
Speaker
And that's where you see those TikToks or those stories about women being disappointed about the dress that they ordered from China.
00:35:30
Speaker
That looks totally different when they wear it.
00:35:32
Speaker
It's also, I find also saves a lot of time and I end up sending a lot fewer items back is if I just look at the model and
00:35:39
Speaker
and think, do they look like me?
00:35:40
Speaker
It also requires a bit of honesty as well, because if you are looking at the curvy hourglass plus size model, and you're not that as well, it also requires a bit of, I guess, internal honesty, and also knowing that, okay, yeah, she's got a really banging figure, but it's just not my figure.
00:35:55
Speaker
Do you know what I mean?
00:35:57
Speaker
Yeah, that takes, that's trial and error too.
00:35:59
Speaker
And you'll have to cycle through a couple of clothing phases, I think, to start to figure out what actually fits your body.
00:36:04
Speaker
I'm very much the return queen.
00:36:06
Speaker
If I don't love it, I take it right back.
00:36:08
Speaker
So I generally will go online.
00:36:10
Speaker
Didn't you get banned from Nordstrom Rack because of that?
00:36:13
Speaker
We're not going to talk about that, Lilith.
00:36:20
Speaker
But yes.
00:36:21
Speaker
Yes.
00:36:24
Speaker
I feel like it was their fault.
00:36:26
Speaker
That's not the return queen.
00:36:27
Speaker
That's not the return convict, but never mind.
00:36:33
Speaker
For the record, so there's an online retailer that I like.
00:36:37
Speaker
So if you ever shopped at Nordstrom Rack, the store, everything's all over the place.
00:36:40
Speaker
So I always used to prefer to purchase things online.
00:36:43
Speaker
And I just decided to completely redo my wardrobe.
00:36:45
Speaker
But the problem is, at least originally, when you would order things, like we said, it would not look the same when I tried it on as it would look on the picture, right?
00:36:55
Speaker
So when you get something in person and trying it on, it just doesn't fit right.
00:36:58
Speaker
So I'm like, well, I'm not going to sit here and just have this thing in my closet I'm never going to wear because it doesn't look...
00:37:02
Speaker
look right.
00:37:02
Speaker
So I would return, I would sometimes just buy things in multiple sizes or multiple colors and then try them all on at home and then return them back to the store.
00:37:11
Speaker
But I did this so much that eventually they blocked my account.
00:37:16
Speaker
I think it was a lot of money.
00:37:21
Speaker
Like tens of thousands of dollars worth of returns.
00:37:24
Speaker
It was.
00:37:24
Speaker
It was honestly tens of thousands of dollars worth of returns.
00:37:26
Speaker
But like part of that was like, it's different from other retailers like Macy's because like Macy's, you could buy stuff and then ship it to the store and then try it on in the store.
00:37:34
Speaker
Like I had a Nordstrom rack.
00:37:36
Speaker
I was like, I hate going to the stores.
00:37:38
Speaker
I'm just going to order everything online, which means I was just like, I'll just order everything in every size or everything, every color and then like return part of it.
00:37:44
Speaker
But it means like I would order four things and then return like three of them.
00:37:48
Speaker
I think you got to keep your returns under like 75% within a certain amount of time.
00:37:54
Speaker
But yeah, I don't know.
00:37:55
Speaker
All I did was create a new email account and keep shopping.
00:37:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:37:58
Speaker
See, we're both rebels like that, Rowan.
00:38:00
Speaker
No, just kidding.
00:38:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:01
Speaker
I just created an email account.
00:38:03
Speaker
Clothing rebels.
00:38:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:38:05
Speaker
Right.
00:38:05
Speaker
That's what I'm saying.
00:38:06
Speaker
Sometimes it's worth doing.
00:38:07
Speaker
So trial and error, like don't keep anything in your closet you don't want.
00:38:11
Speaker
Try different things on, you know, if that fits your body type, you know, look at the colors and the color scheme and see if they flatter your body type.
00:38:16
Speaker
And there's so many resources online about beauty at this point.
00:38:19
Speaker
That's why we don't really focus on it.
00:38:21
Speaker
But like, I think the point was like, if you're a racial minority to seek out, like deliberately seek out brands, influencers, et cetera, that look like you.
00:38:30
Speaker
that have more realistic standards so that you're not beholden to whatever the standards are in your local area.
00:38:36
Speaker
Which again, lucky for you, Gen Z, because in millennials, we didn't really have representation like that.
00:38:41
Speaker
So you were kind of left on your own to figure it out, which I think really did a number and a lot of women's self-esteem.
00:38:48
Speaker
And like, you'll see this kind of stuff where there's a lot of women who feel like, oh, I was bullied because I was too hairy or I was bullied, you know, because I, you know, whatever, I had dark hair, dark skin, and they didn't see anybody like themselves.
00:38:59
Speaker
And so they didn't learn how to value themselves because everyone around them was different.
00:39:03
Speaker
And that's like, I think the benefit of being the digital age is that like your scene is now global for better or for worse.
00:39:08
Speaker
So you don't have to feel like, okay, because I don't like fit in here, so to speak, that I'm necessarily ugly or that I can't have a social life, et cetera.
00:39:17
Speaker
It's just a matter of like finding what works for you and makes you feel good and looks good on you.
00:39:21
Speaker
All right.
00:39:21
Speaker
So the next...
00:39:23
Speaker
reason you might be a femcel, poor social skills.
00:39:26
Speaker
This also goes for incels as well, I find, as well.
00:39:29
Speaker
I think all of these goes for incels, to be fair.
00:39:32
Speaker
Femcels and incels, yeah.
00:39:35
Speaker
No, because men aren't held to the same beauty standards, so I think it's different.
00:39:38
Speaker
True, okay, true.
00:39:39
Speaker
Yeah, like a fraction of this is true for incels.
00:39:42
Speaker
Just wash your ass.
00:39:43
Speaker
That's the idea.
00:39:46
Speaker
Yeah, just wash your fucking ass, you losers.
00:39:48
Speaker
And get outside the basement.
00:39:51
Speaker
Exactly.
00:39:52
Speaker
And I used to lurk incel selfie and like incel selfie, most of them, like I said, it was all about the grooming for them.
00:39:58
Speaker
Most of them are just like young guys who either hadn't completely grown into their bodies yet or just like terrible at grooming.
00:40:04
Speaker
And like men's grooming is bare minimum.
00:40:07
Speaker
It's literally like shave your unibrow, keep a beard line up and cut your hair.
00:40:11
Speaker
That's it.
00:40:12
Speaker
That's it.
00:40:12
Speaker
And they can't even do that.
00:40:14
Speaker
And then they want to cry about being fems or being incels.
00:40:16
Speaker
Anywho, back to the poor social skills, poor social skills for women.
00:40:20
Speaker
I want to say, first of all, the way that you learn good social skills is you're going to have a lot of moments where you exhibit bad social skills in the process.
00:40:30
Speaker
And so I feel like a lot of women, first of all, like social skills are learned.
00:40:33
Speaker
They're not something you're born with.
00:40:35
Speaker
You need to practice it.
00:40:36
Speaker
And it is very much use it or lose it.
00:40:38
Speaker
I feel like a lot of women, they, you know, they'll have a socially awkward interaction or, you know, feel have a moment of feeling socially uncomfortable and then like get traumatized by that and like get so much social anxiety that they just find it really, really hard to compel themselves to go and get more practice.
00:40:53
Speaker
socially and that just makes it much worse right just makes your social skills much worse and it's going to just add and compound to the trauma over time because you're going to have to interact with socially you know humans are social creatures we live in a society going to have to socially interact with people right so i think it's better to just like get the practice with you know over with as much as you can in high school like honestly most of these people you're never going to talk to anyways right so it's okay if you burn a few bridges like
00:41:17
Speaker
It's okay.
00:41:18
Speaker
Right?
00:41:18
Speaker
Exactly.
00:41:20
Speaker
You have to have the mentality throughout high school that like, fuck all these loser ass people.
00:41:24
Speaker
Like, honestly, it's the best way to survive that situation because you're stuck there.
00:41:28
Speaker
You can't do anything about it.
00:41:29
Speaker
A lot of people are shitty.
00:41:31
Speaker
You should not internalize anything that happened in high school ever.
00:41:34
Speaker
And honestly, like that literally the day you graduate is going to be the last time you've seen 99.99% of them anyway.
00:41:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:41:41
Speaker
So I don't know, just go out there, socially interact with people.
00:41:44
Speaker
If you have some, so I have a lot of like socially awkward moments in high school that, you know, I cringe about years later and probably the people there don't remember me or don't remember that moment at all.
00:41:55
Speaker
But I don't let that stop me.
00:41:56
Speaker
I still go out there.
00:41:57
Speaker
I still talk to people and like, you know, I don't know how to say this.
00:42:00
Speaker
Like practice makes perfect.
00:42:01
Speaker
Just fucking do it.
00:42:02
Speaker
Even if it's hard.
00:42:03
Speaker
That's all I have to say.
00:42:04
Speaker
I mean, to be fair, speaking as an introvert, it can be a cycle of almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy.
00:42:11
Speaker
So if you have a bad interaction, that will actually make you want to retreat.
00:42:15
Speaker
It's not always just a case of just, you know, pick yourself up and try again.
00:42:21
Speaker
But what I would say...
00:42:22
Speaker
as an introvert and what helped me is just to find your tribe of people.
00:42:26
Speaker
It doesn't have to be a huge crowd of people because I remember when I went to, like, what do you call the education period when you're like 16 to 18 in the US or Canada?
00:42:35
Speaker
What do you call that?
00:42:36
Speaker
Is that still high school?
00:42:37
Speaker
Yeah, so high school.
00:42:38
Speaker
Okay, so yeah, so basically in my late high school, I went to a different school and all the cliques had been formed.
00:42:44
Speaker
I was the only black person, but I managed to find a group of other misfits, so to speak.
00:42:49
Speaker
That's what we called ourselves because we all joined in like the 12th grade and we just stuck together throughout the whole time.
00:42:54
Speaker
And so you can just find your circle and everybody can find a circle, I think.
00:42:58
Speaker
And it doesn't have to be huge as well, but that can really, really help take some of the edge off.
00:43:02
Speaker
Even if it's just one or two people, if you just stick together, it will make high school so much easier.
00:43:07
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:07
Speaker
And I think you have to figure out if you are being socially ostracized because you're just into things that are not as popular among the people you're around.
00:43:15
Speaker
Or if you have like legit poor social skills, meaning like the things you say offend people, you're awkward in conversation, you never have anything interesting to say.
00:43:24
Speaker
Like those things are more skills to work on versus like your social skills are okay, but like you just are into something niche, right?
00:43:30
Speaker
Whatever.
00:43:31
Speaker
Like what if you're into like
00:43:33
Speaker
some kind of niche anime.
00:43:34
Speaker
And I see a lot of like the anime kids feeling persecuted online, even though like anime is huge now.
00:43:39
Speaker
But I remember like when I'm back in my day, but like a lot of the kids that were into like these niche interests, so to speak, like they weren't weird, so to speak, but they just weren't like, there's a lot of people that are just not into it.
00:43:52
Speaker
And so then they were
00:43:53
Speaker
more isolated because they had unique interests, in which case it is so worth finding your tribe.
00:43:58
Speaker
Just find the people who are interested in the things that you're interested in.
00:44:00
Speaker
You don't have to feel bad because you're not like the crowd, right?
00:44:03
Speaker
If you just have like interests that differ from other people.
00:44:06
Speaker
And I think that's different than like poor social skills, meaning like you're a drag to be around.
00:44:11
Speaker
I almost want to be the devil's advocate to this section just because like, yes, it is important to find your tribe.
00:44:17
Speaker
But I think you also need to look at your tribe and ask yourself, like, is this a tribe that I want to be socialized by?
00:44:23
Speaker
Because I too often I meet like, yeah, if you're a weird kid and you hang out with all the other weird kids, I know in past episodes I've said, like, even if you're a misfit, hang out with other misfits, like, you know, you're stronger together.
00:44:34
Speaker
And that is true.
00:44:35
Speaker
I would caution you being overly reliant on the misfit crowd because they're going to make you more socially incompetent.
00:44:41
Speaker
If you're like in one of those groups where there's like in-group lingo that only that group understands, you still need to be able to communicate with normies.
00:44:49
Speaker
Yeah, I would say find your tribe, but also, yeah, learn how to communicate with normal people.
00:44:53
Speaker
I mean, when I say misfit, I don't mean people.
00:44:56
Speaker
I think you're talking about something that's quite extreme.
00:44:58
Speaker
I'm not saying people...
00:44:59
Speaker
I'm talking about like the blue haired, like I'm Libra sexual, like, you know, although the weird queer kids on TikTok who reinforce each other's weirdness and then they go out into society and realize that society is not like this and they're traumatized by the fact the real world isn't like they're, you know, socially weird in group.
00:45:15
Speaker
And here's another thing that you don't really understand in high school is that you don't actually have to be that different before you're marked as different.
00:45:21
Speaker
So, for example, in terms of the group I eventually formed, a lot of them were tall, pretty thin, you know, white girls, but they also didn't fit in with the main in crowd as well.
00:45:31
Speaker
So even if you don't fit in with the main crowd, that doesn't necessarily mean that you're a misfit or that you're socially awkward.
00:45:37
Speaker
It could just be that you just don't fit in.
00:45:39
Speaker
And I suppose this is a longer episode as well, but I sort of almost feel like this drive towards inclusivity is almost a backward step because people naturally form groups as humans.
00:45:52
Speaker
And that's not necessarily a bad thing.
00:45:53
Speaker
But we get pushed in this whole everyone has to accept everybody.
00:45:56
Speaker
You have to be everybody's friend.
00:45:57
Speaker
Like in, for example, sports days in the UK, everybody gets a medal, even if you come like, you know, 301 place, like, for example.
00:46:04
Speaker
And it's like, it doesn't have to be that way.
00:46:05
Speaker
It's perfectly okay to not fit in with the main group.
00:46:08
Speaker
It's not necessarily an indictment on you as a person, but it's just sometimes them's the brakes, basically, and it's fine.
00:46:16
Speaker
I mean, it's not a problem.
00:46:17
Speaker
Like for myself, I didn't realize this until later when I started recounting like all of my closest friendships.
00:46:23
Speaker
But so many of my closest friends had immigrant parents.
00:46:26
Speaker
I had an extremely racially diverse group of friends.
00:46:29
Speaker
But the thing that actually was a common thread is that all of us were first gen.
00:46:33
Speaker
Mm hmm.
00:46:33
Speaker
So at least like we had an immigrant parent.
00:46:35
Speaker
And so like, I almost feel like we gravitated towards each other because we had certain mindsets at looking at things, even though we came like our parents came from vastly different countries.
00:46:43
Speaker
So even something like that, where like, OK, you're a white person, but you're an immigrant, right?
00:46:48
Speaker
Well, your parents are an immigrant.
00:46:49
Speaker
And that's enough to sometimes get you or even if you grew up in a different part of the country or you went to a different sort of school like that, you know, that can be enough to take you outside of the in-group.
00:46:59
Speaker
Again, that's nothing to do with you as a person.
00:47:01
Speaker
It's just how it is sometimes.
00:47:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:03
Speaker
So be mindful that just because you don't fit in with like what's popular there doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
00:47:08
Speaker
And to really try to figure out if it's like your social skills are lacking or you just haven't found your tribe.
00:47:15
Speaker
The last portion of this is if you have religious or overbearing parents, slowly raise his hand in the background.
00:47:21
Speaker
So a lot of parents cripple their kids because they don't allow their kids to do fucking anything.
00:47:27
Speaker
Right.
00:47:27
Speaker
And so
00:47:28
Speaker
I feel like a lot of my other first gen friends, they were similarly raised where they had parents from somewhere else.
00:47:34
Speaker
And like, I don't know if it's just like fear or whatever, you know, some of their parents didn't speak English.
00:47:38
Speaker
My mom speaks English and everything, but like some of their parents didn't speak English.
00:47:41
Speaker
So their parents were really, really reliant on them.
00:47:43
Speaker
So then like they were really crippled socially because so much of their social interaction had to revolve around their family or like their parents were like paranoid of like letting them have any freedom.
00:47:53
Speaker
So you see a lot of this happen where,
00:47:56
Speaker
It's like, you know, the kids that are really, really restricted in high school and then they go crazy in college because they have no idea of their limits and like they're just trying to rebel against really overly strict guidelines.
00:48:05
Speaker
I think it's worth like asserting your freedom from your parents at this age.
00:48:11
Speaker
No, don't get yourself kicked out the house, I guess.
00:48:14
Speaker
I mean, weigh your options.
00:48:16
Speaker
But for me and for my younger siblings, like there's so many fights that I had with my mom and my father that my younger siblings didn't have to have because like, and their lives were a lot socially easier that sometimes it's just worth, it's worth actually pushing back on.
00:48:31
Speaker
So yeah.
00:48:32
Speaker
I think if you're at the point where their parents are like, you have to come home straight after school and you can't go anywhere and you can't hang out with your friends anywhere, that will socially cripple you.
00:48:40
Speaker
Like social learning is actually a big part of learning as well.
00:48:43
Speaker
So I do think it's... Granted, everybody's inside on their phone now anyway.
00:48:48
Speaker
So maybe this is like starting to get passe because now you can just talk to your friends like on your smartphone versus like...
00:48:53
Speaker
in my day people don't go to parties these days row like they don't go to physical parties like i remember when i was a teenager like sneaking out the back to go to parties or go to like most of them wouldn't even be good parties they'd be like bush parties just out like drinking like fucking floodlight out in the bush or whatever right like whoo canada anyways but like do kids do that nowadays do they go do they sneak out at night to get in trouble i don't know i think more kids should do that honestly i support
00:49:18
Speaker
Small acts of rebellion.
00:49:19
Speaker
Like don't do anything stupid.
00:49:21
Speaker
Don't like drive drunk or try to do like, don't get yourself in trouble.
00:49:24
Speaker
But like, you know, I did little small acts of rebellion, even though my parents are really religious.
00:49:28
Speaker
Like I told you, we used to go to the teen clubs.
00:49:30
Speaker
So go to the teen clubs, dressed up in all my body glitter and grind on random strangers.
00:49:34
Speaker
But listen, we did the whole thing.
00:49:36
Speaker
I used to do the whole thing with my friends where like you say I'm sleeping over that person's house and they say they're sleeping over your house.
00:49:41
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:49:41
Speaker
I did that with my friend once.
00:49:42
Speaker
And then my dad literally like drove past as I was like on my way to a party one time.
00:49:48
Speaker
That was like definitely a low moment for me.
00:49:51
Speaker
Definitely like one of the most embarrassing moments.
00:49:53
Speaker
Me and my friend lied for each other.
00:49:54
Speaker
And then I was like walking to this party.
00:49:56
Speaker
My dad fucking drives by and he's like, was that Lilith?
00:49:59
Speaker
And he picks me up.
00:50:01
Speaker
Oh man, I was toast.
00:50:02
Speaker
It was fun.
00:50:04
Speaker
Small acts of rebellion against like overbearing parents and understand if they are overbearing, it's a them issue, right?
00:50:12
Speaker
So like small acts to get yourself some social experience is worth doing.
00:50:17
Speaker
So much of like why, and I feel bad even having this conversation because when you talk about like what's quote unquote wrong with femcels, a lot of times it's their parents.
00:50:24
Speaker
Right.
00:50:25
Speaker
It's out of your control.
00:50:26
Speaker
So basically we're trying to teach people who are starting behind the eight ball as far as like their social skills, their grooming, their ability to find their tribe and like what to do in an environment where you don't have a lot of control and then how to start to exert control so that when you do become an adult, you have the freedom to make these other choices that can vastly improve your quality of life.
00:50:46
Speaker
And you know how to.
00:50:47
Speaker
Yes, you should rebel against your overbearing parents.
00:50:50
Speaker
I know for a lot of people that is like scary and it's intimidating, especially if your parents are like abusive, that can be very, very, very tough.
00:50:57
Speaker
A piece of advice I've been wanting to share that's like kind of related to this might be shoehorning a little bit, but I'm going to be bringing it up in the future, in a future episode, which is like one of the lessons I've learned from my abusers is to never back down.
00:51:10
Speaker
And in fact, like if someone's giving you a hard time for something, don't acquiesce.
00:51:14
Speaker
You should double down.
00:51:16
Speaker
This is something that I feel like, you know, I don't think it's inherently abusive, but it is something that abusers do tend to do, which is like, you know, if they don't like something that you're doing, they'll like punish you for it essentially by, or, you know, if you voice like discontent to the abuser, they'll like be extra harsh on you to like make you think twice about bringing it up with them again.
00:51:34
Speaker
Like as soon as I learned as a kid that like I could,
00:51:37
Speaker
make it costly for my parents to punish me.
00:51:40
Speaker
That was like a game for me.
00:51:42
Speaker
That was like learning independence.
00:51:44
Speaker
That was like how I learned independence, basically.
00:51:46
Speaker
So like my parents, for example, the narcissist, they care a lot about public image.
00:51:49
Speaker
And so one of the ways that I got my parents to like stop oppressing me so much is basically by like threatening to like expose them and like doing like little acts of like public humiliation.
00:51:58
Speaker
Like if my grandma tried to take me to church, I'd like scream and like cry and like...
00:52:02
Speaker
really humiliate them.
00:52:04
Speaker
My grandma tried to beat me and I would just scream harder.
00:52:06
Speaker
Okay.
00:52:06
Speaker
Like, and that would humiliate them.
00:52:07
Speaker
I'd be like, my grandma's abusive.
00:52:09
Speaker
She's beating me.
00:52:10
Speaker
And like, again, public humiliation, like that would discourage them from doing that more.
00:52:14
Speaker
Right.
00:52:14
Speaker
So, you know, if your parents are oppressing you, like find out what's important to your parents, whether it's like their public image or like whatever, and threaten them with that.
00:52:24
Speaker
And I think...
00:52:25
Speaker
That's my message to kids out there.
00:52:26
Speaker
Play power moves on your kids, on your parents.
00:52:30
Speaker
And honestly, like, and for the kids that like, that's really, really dangerous and they can't do that because there's like actually real risk involved, then it's important to recognize that you're in that kind of environment and to prepare yourself for the reality that you should as soon as possible move away.
00:52:43
Speaker
Yeah, if you think your parents might kill you for disobeying you, like if you live in a family where like honor killing is a possibility, then yeah, OK.
00:52:50
Speaker
Yeah, my parents are dysfunctional as fuck and they've called the police on me because I didn't go to church.
00:52:55
Speaker
So.
00:52:55
Speaker
So my mom also called the police on me.
00:52:58
Speaker
I had to talk to a police officer about why I wouldn't go to church.
00:53:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:53:02
Speaker
About why you didn't go to church.
00:53:05
Speaker
I'm actually surprised the police officer actually came out.
00:53:07
Speaker
If that was the UK, they would just say that's a civil matter and just hang up.
00:53:11
Speaker
Like legit.
00:53:12
Speaker
No, they would come and they would talk to me and be like, well, I don't know.
00:53:15
Speaker
I feel like the cops themselves were like semi rolling their eyes at my parents when they came.
00:53:20
Speaker
And my parents were separated by the time.
00:53:22
Speaker
So like they each called the cops on me separately for not going to church, which was like the wildest shit.
00:53:27
Speaker
The police here wouldn't even come out though.
00:53:29
Speaker
Like that's not a crime.
00:53:30
Speaker
Like no crimes been committed by not going.
00:53:32
Speaker
That's so, America's just weird.
00:53:34
Speaker
Like I cannot imagine calling a police officer for somebody not going to church and them coming out.
00:53:40
Speaker
My mom also called the police on me, but it was when I had snuck out to go to a party and actually it was like to see my boyfriend at the time.
00:53:47
Speaker
My mom like locked me out.
00:53:49
Speaker
She like changed the locks while I was gone so that I couldn't get back in.
00:53:52
Speaker
So I tried sneaking out like in through my bedroom window and then she called the police saying like, oh, someone's trying to break into my house.
00:53:59
Speaker
And so police come like thinking this is like a break and enter and they find it's, oh, it's just the teenage daughter.
00:54:04
Speaker
And my mom refused to let me back in as like a weird power move.
00:54:06
Speaker
And they're just like, ma'am, it's illegal to like abandon your minor daughter.
00:54:11
Speaker
Do we need to call child protection services or something like that?
00:54:14
Speaker
Right.
00:54:14
Speaker
So find out if your parents are really oppressing you, like find out their weak points.
00:54:18
Speaker
If your parents are mentally unstable, like use that against them, actually.
00:54:22
Speaker
The mental instability can make them seem crazy to other people, especially other authority figures.
00:54:27
Speaker
Like, you know, the people, the counselors at the school, for example, had my parents figured out, you know, like, I know it can be really scary if your parents are mentally unstable, you know, it can make them their behavior more erratic and more scary and potentially more violent, but also understand that that's a weakness in its own way.
00:54:42
Speaker
It's either that or basically gray rock your entire high school experience and just prep for the idea that like you're going to be miserable for that entire four years until you have the ability to move away from your parents and the environment you're in.
00:54:53
Speaker
Especially for parents are embarrassing, right?
00:54:55
Speaker
Like if you have a parent that's got a problem of some sort, that can also be a social myelovity.
00:55:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:55:00
Speaker
And you're getting teased for it.
00:55:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:55:02
Speaker
That could also be a social liability.
00:55:03
Speaker
Like I'm a big proponent of moving away from wherever you grew up.
00:55:07
Speaker
If there's like trauma involved there, because I think just the perspective of moving somewhere else will help you to heal as well as like realize like you're not limited by the circumstances you grew up in.
00:55:17
Speaker
If your parents are suffering from, I mean, I've had relatives that like had like very public episodes of
00:55:22
Speaker
It's embarrassing, right?
00:55:23
Speaker
And like, it's one of those things where I was like, okay, I could stay here and suffer the embarrassment of like having family issues, or I could just move somewhere else and kind of wash my hands of it and be judged solely by myself, right?
00:55:33
Speaker
Rather than like how the community perceives my family because of certain members.
00:55:38
Speaker
So I'm still a team move the fuck away and go find a place that's better suited for your self-esteem.
00:55:43
Speaker
Okay, so the last two issues are more social issues when it comes to dealing with friendships and then dealing with relationships, meaning some women are considering themselves femcels because of how other people have treated them.
00:55:56
Speaker
And they've internalized the treatment of other people as like a statement in who they are.
00:56:01
Speaker
For example, one of the femcels in the Atlantic article mentioned like poor treatment by guys of like them just trying to be nice and to have sex and then like never wanting to like be publicly their girlfriend, never want to publicly claim them, etc.
00:56:13
Speaker
To be clear, like a lot of that stuff that fem cells think is unique to them is actually not unique to them.
00:56:19
Speaker
Yeah, even average and attractive women experience men who are scrothed like that.
00:56:23
Speaker
Who are absolute shitbags.
00:56:25
Speaker
So sometimes I feel like what the fem cells take that to mean that they're ugly and unattractive and they internalize the behavior from men and don't understand it.
00:56:33
Speaker
Like that's just shitty behavior that happens to men and it would still happen to you if you were average to attractive.
00:56:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:56:39
Speaker
And this is why I always say that if you think you are not conventionally attractive, then your standards, they should be absolutely sky high.
00:56:48
Speaker
Forget what society tells you that you have to settle, that you have to find your level be great for the scraps.
00:56:53
Speaker
That's nonsense.
00:56:54
Speaker
Because ultimately, these men, they prey on women who have low self-esteem and who are not conventionally attractive because they think they'll be low hanging fruit.
00:57:03
Speaker
So actually, if you deem yourself a fem cell or if you don't think you're conventionally attractive,
00:57:08
Speaker
yeah, your standards, they also need to be sky high as well.
00:57:11
Speaker
They'll be too low and you'll start to reinforce the poor treatment and then internalize people's behavior because it's like blood in the water.
00:57:17
Speaker
Like the sharks will find you repeatedly.
00:57:19
Speaker
And this is why I get so annoyed at society when they just basically tell women who think they're unattractive or they're not conventionally attractive, oh, just lower your standards because actually that's not going to help them.
00:57:30
Speaker
And ultimately, it's essentially not going to protect them from the shit bags in the male sex because they also treat attractive women like shit as well.
00:57:38
Speaker
I mean, so not having any standards or boundaries is the worst thing you can do.
00:57:42
Speaker
And that basically goes if you're attractive or not or conventionally attractive or not.
00:57:45
Speaker
So yeah, that's what I'd always say.
00:57:47
Speaker
If you believe that you are conventionally not attractive, that's all the more reason to have sky high standards and boundaries.
00:57:53
Speaker
Yeah, don't make the mistake of being like, oh, I'm ugly.
00:57:55
Speaker
Therefore, I should accept like poor treatment from men.
00:57:58
Speaker
Because yeah, that just creates a self like endless negative feedback loop that just reinforces the idea that you're, you know, it's acceptable to be treated badly by men or that it's something that you have to put up with, which you don't.
00:58:09
Speaker
And you also don't have to date men you don't find attractive either.
00:58:12
Speaker
That's another thing as well.
00:58:13
Speaker
You are also allowed to have your own physical standards for men.
00:58:17
Speaker
And don't internalize.
00:58:18
Speaker
The other thing I saw, especially on the TikTok meme about girls who were late bloomers and who never got asked out in high school, et cetera.
00:58:24
Speaker
Like once again, that has to do with men and that's not behavior you should internalize.
00:58:28
Speaker
Like I'm undesirable because no one like asked me out in high school.
00:58:31
Speaker
Like there could be a million other reasons that that's the case.
00:58:34
Speaker
That's not just like you're ugly.
00:58:36
Speaker
It could just be like, once again, like
00:58:38
Speaker
The particular social scene of where you are, a lot of guys who might have liked you may have never like made a move.
00:58:44
Speaker
And a lot of the girls who are like popular just put out a lot, right?
00:58:47
Speaker
It's not even like a secret and it's not like a particular skill.
00:58:51
Speaker
Sometimes like women look at women who just like sleep around and then think like, oh, well, that person like that person's more liked and like guys like her more.
00:58:58
Speaker
But like literally in high school, like if you're just putting out like you can just get a lot of attention from men.
00:59:02
Speaker
That's just the reality.
00:59:04
Speaker
So that sounds horrible, but...
00:59:06
Speaker
It doesn't necessarily mean that that person's prettier than you.
00:59:09
Speaker
I wouldn't recommend it, right?
00:59:10
Speaker
Because there's a lot of women who are on the other side of that who like, I had sex with a lot of guys because I wanted attention from men and I wanted to be part of a social scene and then they have to deal with that trauma, right?
00:59:20
Speaker
So you have to like, remember that like,
00:59:21
Speaker
take a step back and like realize that like your boundaries are actually important for your own mental health and self-esteem and like trying to quote keep up with the joneses as far as like just doing whatever you can to get attention from guys just so you won't be like a quote late bloomer that you're not left out of the social scene like comes with its own risks and its own like kinds of trauma yeah don't expose yourself to unnecessary trauma
00:59:41
Speaker
Yeah, don't internalize if you're not always getting like asked out.
00:59:44
Speaker
Don't think there's necessarily something wrong with you because it may not be at all.
00:59:48
Speaker
Like I said, it could just be that social scene and don't feel like, oh, everyone else is like having sex.
00:59:52
Speaker
And then like, I feel like I have to have sex to get a guy to be interested in me.
00:59:56
Speaker
Also, keep in mind, real life is not like TV.
00:59:59
Speaker
It's like real life isn't like euphoria where like, you know, a girl is walking down the aisle in high school and every single person like turns their head to look at her kind of thing.
01:00:09
Speaker
Right.
01:00:09
Speaker
As she walks in slow motion and like the wind is blowing on her hair.
01:00:13
Speaker
Like I feel like some fem cells go through life like thinking that real life is like that and thinking like, oh, like the pretty girls have it so great.
01:00:20
Speaker
They walk down the hall and there's like, you know, their hair is so perfect and everless.
01:00:24
Speaker
You never know what they're going through or what they're doing to like maintain being popular.
01:00:28
Speaker
That's the thing.
01:00:29
Speaker
Also, quite frankly, no one cares.
01:00:31
Speaker
Like people in high school, like the hot girls would walk down the aisle and like, yeah, maybe some people would look, but it's not like every head is turning to look at them, right?
01:00:39
Speaker
Like, you know, just, I don't know.
01:00:41
Speaker
You know, just because your life isn't like what you see, how you see teenagers in TV, you know, doesn't mean you're like a femme seller that your life is somehow like not worth living or inadequate.
01:00:52
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
01:00:53
Speaker
I think that's the tough part.
01:00:55
Speaker
Like Hollywood really does a number on people because it sets up these expectations and these hierarchies that are not necessarily true to life.
01:01:02
Speaker
Be the main character in your own story.
01:01:05
Speaker
The other side of that is like female relational aggression.
01:01:09
Speaker
So don't internalize it if you have a shitty friend group.
01:01:12
Speaker
If they try to make you the quote Duff, which is the designated ugly fat friend, if you've ever heard of that acronym.
01:01:18
Speaker
Some women are kind of like they have poor self-esteem.
01:01:21
Speaker
So they go out of their way to like go with women they think aren't like sexual threats.
01:01:25
Speaker
And so they'll purposely do things to kind of undermine your self-esteem.
01:01:28
Speaker
And even if you are like as attractive as them, they'll just keep doing that and try to make you feel unattractive because they have poor self-esteem.
01:01:34
Speaker
So a lot of women who I feel like are fem cells or have low self-esteem, they actually just have shitty friends.
01:01:39
Speaker
Friends that don't like make you feel good about yourself, but friends that go out of their way to make you feel bad about yourself so that you think like we're going out and I'm not getting attention or I'm not like one of the more popular girls, but it's really because of like
01:01:51
Speaker
your low self-esteem is being broadcasted because your friend is constantly treating you like shit.
01:01:55
Speaker
In which case, once again, that comes down to recognizing a social situation that's going to be happy and good for you.
01:02:00
Speaker
And then moving on from that kind of friendship, because that kind of friendship is toxic and will make you feel like a femme cell.
01:02:05
Speaker
Yeah, I think that is an often understated and isn't even necessarily about your looks again as well, why they target you.
01:02:12
Speaker
Some women also
01:02:13
Speaker
you know, I like to call it befriending downwards as well.
01:02:16
Speaker
If they just perceive any aspect of your life to be beneath them.
01:02:19
Speaker
And that can be in terms of career, that can be in terms of your background.
01:02:23
Speaker
It's not necessarily, again, the way you look.
01:02:25
Speaker
And the common theme I find with themselves is that they tend to attribute everything about the way they're treated to just the way they look.
01:02:34
Speaker
And it's often a lot deeper than that.
01:02:36
Speaker
And in a lot of cases, sometimes it's just nothing to do with them.
01:02:38
Speaker
There's also shitty people as well.
01:02:40
Speaker
And yeah, friends can be a huge part of that.
01:02:42
Speaker
And you see that the most, like, if you've ever seen a woman who has lost a substantial amount of weight, myself included, even the way your friends treat you is really, really different.
01:02:50
Speaker
All your so-called friends treat you as really different.
01:02:53
Speaker
Like, they start actually seeing you as almost like a sexual threat.
01:02:57
Speaker
I remember I was out, like, going out with a friend after I'd lost quite a bit of weight.
01:03:01
Speaker
And this guy, he was really rude, to be fair.
01:03:03
Speaker
But he literally pushed one of my old friends out of the way to come up to me and actually say, oh my gosh, you are so gorgeous.
01:03:10
Speaker
And I was a bit like, can you fuck off?
01:03:12
Speaker
And I walked away.
01:03:13
Speaker
But then afterwards, my friend said something, which I thought was a bit of a backhanded comment.
01:03:18
Speaker
And she was like, oh, well, you know, if I... What did she say?
01:03:21
Speaker
I think it was something like, it's only because I didn't make an effort that he didn't say it to me as well.
01:03:25
Speaker
And I was a bit like, okay.
01:03:28
Speaker
So yeah, do watch out for that as well.
01:03:30
Speaker
Yes.
01:03:31
Speaker
So that's the show.
01:03:33
Speaker
Let us know what you think on our website in the weekly thread on the female dating strategy.com.
01:03:39
Speaker
If you're a fem cell, did you find any of this advice helpful?
01:03:43
Speaker
Do you think any of these things are actionable?
01:03:45
Speaker
And just let us know, like, let us know your experience with feeling like, you know, you're unattractive and how that affects your dating life as well as your overall quality of life.
01:03:53
Speaker
Yeah.
01:03:54
Speaker
So check us out there.
01:03:55
Speaker
As always, you can check out our bonus content on Patreon, patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy, as well as follow us on Twitter at FemDatStrat and our Instagram at underscore the female dating strategy.
01:04:07
Speaker
Thanks for listening, queens.
01:04:08
Speaker
And for all you incels out there, fix your struggle beards.
01:04:11
Speaker
Die mad.