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Ep. 9: Jenny* on Coping After Rape as a teenager
112 Plays4 years ago
*Trigger warning: Jenny (not her real name) tells me about her experience of being raped in her teens.
This is an incredibly personal interview. Jenny talks about what happened, how she felt about herself after the incident, and how it felt to go through legal proceedings afterwards.
She also tells me about how - with the support of her friends - she recovered from her experience, and believes it has helped make her who she is today - a business owner, a strong woman, and a better friend than she might otherwise have been.
I hope you find inspiration from Jenny's story, and especially from her recovery.
If you've been raped, or if your child is dealing with the trauma of a sexual assault, the NHS has lots of signposts to organisations that specialise in supporting you. Rape Crisis has a live chat helpline, and Victim Support helps you find ways to move beyond what has happened.
Thank you so much for listening! Subscribe now to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear all my new episodes. I'll be talking to some fabulous guests about difficult things that happened to them as teenagers - including losing a parent, becoming disabled, and being hospitalised with mental health problems - and how they overcame things to move on with their lives.
I'd love it if you'd rate and review the podcast on iTunes too - it would really help other people to find it. You can also find more from me on parenting teenagers on my blog Actually Mummy, and on Instagram and Twitter @iamhelenwills.
This episode is sponsored by Blue Microphones, who gave me the brilliant Yeticaster for the recording of the podcast.
For information on your data privacy please visit Podcast.co. Please note that I am not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice.
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Transcript
Introduction to Teenage Kicks Podcast
00:00:06
Speaker
Welcome to the Teenage Kicks podcast where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager. I'm Helen Wills and every week I talk to someone who had a difficult experience in their teens but came out the other side in a good place and went on to make a real success of their life. This week I'm chatting with Jenny
00:00:35
Speaker
I think it's important for me to be upfront here and say that what we discuss might be tough for some people to hear. Jenny isn't her real name and we talk about a very difficult experience she had as a teenager.
Jenny's Journey of Self-Discovery
00:00:50
Speaker
We discuss consent and how to support someone who's experienced a sexual assault.
00:00:57
Speaker
Jenny also had some really important things to say to anyone who is dealing with the aftermath of a horrendous experience like hers. And I was so inspired by her outlook on life after what happened to her. But I accept it as part of my story and you can get to that place and actually
00:01:15
Speaker
We learn a lot more about ourselves from the darkest parts of our stories than we do the happy times. If you or your child is struggling to deal with similar right now, I think this conversation might be really helpful.
00:01:38
Speaker
So I'm here with Jenny and I'm just having a cup of tea and I'm looking at my notebook now normally I write a ton of questions that I think I might want to ask but I've written until I just arrived I've written practically nothing because actually Jenny's story I don't know what to say so I think
00:02:04
Speaker
Jenny, what we'll do is I'll just ask you to explain. I mean, start by telling me a little bit about your family life growing up. Average, normal.
00:02:16
Speaker
Yes, yes it was. Lived fairly happily. I approached the boss when I was young but we had a fairly happy childhood. During my early teens, kind of 15, 16, I had a few problems at home and actually ended up moving out which was fine but still had a very good relationship with my mum and dad who were separated at that time. Right.
00:02:47
Speaker
So I moved out when I was about 17. Okay, where did you go? I was living at the time. Me and my boyfriend rented a room together. Right. Which was really nice actually. I grew up pretty quickly at that time.
00:03:03
Speaker
So yeah, what we're going to talk about happened when I wasn't living at
The Distressing Encounter and Assault
00:03:07
Speaker
home. Right, okay. So I was kind of, I'd been living away from home for a little while. Okay, but it's still with a good relationship with your family. Yeah, and I had a couple of jobs and attended college and was doing well, so.
00:03:19
Speaker
I was kind of happy in what I was doing. So you set up home with your boyfriend really young? Yeah. That's a whole other podcast. I bet there are a ton of kids interested in leaving home and setting up home with a boyfriend. Yeah, it's not as easy as you think. No, I'm sure. No. So this was a happy time then? Yeah, it was. I was doing well at college and everything was going well and me and the boyfriend I was living with, it was all going great. Yeah, and I'd been out.
00:03:48
Speaker
meeting a friend one night and was walking home and I'd spotted this chap who I knew because I'd worked with him walking towards me on the other side of the road, he crossed the road and I was a bit apprehensive because I
00:04:05
Speaker
what everybody was of him at that point because we knew that he'd been he was of an aggressive nature with his girlfriend and we'd all heard a few rumours so I was a bit like and it was gone midnight at this point and I was on my own and he came over and started chatting how are you and asked if he could come round for a cup of coffee
00:04:28
Speaker
And I was like, no, no, no, my landlords are in, you know, there's people there and it's late and blah, blah, blah. And they carried on walking with me and was asking more questions. And he kept asking different questions and then asked me one where I'd basically revealed my earlier lie, the house was empty. And he was like, oh, I thought you said that they were home. And I was like, how am I going to get around this? Anyway, so we ended up walking back and he came in for a coffee.
00:04:58
Speaker
In hindsight looking back I can remember, I remember feeling very, he obviously had an agenda that I was not aware of at the time but looking back it was clear. He was quite manipulative in what he was saying. I lived on a close and he was insistent on shutting the curtains because apparently he said that the police were after him and he didn't want to be seen and I was a bit like well
00:05:21
Speaker
So at this point he'd come home with you and you'd let him in. Not that I wanted to. When I was young I was 19, I was naive, wasn't as strong-willed as I am now but who is when they're 19? No and actually I've just scribbled down a question which I thought I'd ask you later but I'll ask you now.
00:05:42
Speaker
Why do we feel the need to make excuses to people? I remember saying things to people before to throw them off the scent and get them away from me without being rude. I don't wanna be rude to you. But is no being rude though? Like just to say no, I'm sorry. Yeah, exactly. Why do we feel the need to say, well, I would, but I can't because. No. But we do, we always feel pressured. Yeah, it's true.
00:06:11
Speaker
I think part of it is politeness. I think I was frightened of him as well so I didn't want to upset him. Although it probably would have been safer to have upset him in the street than in my house when I was at home. This pressure on girls and women though to do the right thing and be the polite person, I think that's a big issue. It's not what I came to talk to you about but I think it's a huge issue for girls.
00:06:38
Speaker
I think even now, I think as a grown woman, I feel that pressure to be polite and not, you know, to be. Not offend. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. God. Okay. So you're, you're in your home and you're on your own and he's with you. And this, he just attacked you at this point. Yeah. So he, he kind of leant forward and started kissing me and I pulled back and
00:07:07
Speaker
I can't remember the details now. My brain has probably erased them because of a survival thing. But yeah, I remember him being on top of me and my hands on his chest, pushing him and saying, no, no, get off. I don't want this. No. And he didn't stop for a little while. And then he did. And then he just got up and left. And I sat there and thought, what do I do now? I was a bit shaken. It sounds really silly.
00:07:37
Speaker
but at that time I actually didn't know what had happened and I knew that it was some kind of sexual assault. I didn't really understand or want to admit to myself at that point that it was the worst, it was rape. I still struggled to say the word actually and when I talk about it, I'm happy to talk about it but to say that word still
00:08:01
Speaker
It's an awful word. Yeah, it charged with me quite a lot. And I remember calling a friend who came straight over and he took me away from the house and I went to stay with him. In fact, I don't think I stayed at the house again because I just didn't want to go back understandably. Yeah. And this was the house you were sharing with your boyfriend. Yes. Yeah. And
00:08:28
Speaker
I recounted what happened to my friend and he said, we need to call the police. Unfortunately, I mean, they tell you not to do this. So that's a piece of advice. If this does, if you are unfortunate enough for this to happen, don't have a shower. It's the first thing you want to do. And it was the first thing that I did. But yeah, I had a shower and then he said, we've got to call the police. So the police came around and long and laborious statement. Cause there's lots of questions that they have to ask.
00:08:57
Speaker
and it was only an hour or so in, there was two officers, really nice officers actually, came and took my statement, and it was only as we got to the end of the story, one of them turned to the other and said, this isn't sexual assault, and they looked at me and they said, you do know that, don't you? I was like, well, what is it? This isn't sexual assault. Yeah, this isn't just a sexual assault, this is rape, and I was like, oh. Oh, okay.
00:09:25
Speaker
I was a bit taken aback. I kind of, maybe in my heart parts, I kind of knew what it was, but actually didn't want to accept it. I didn't want to be that victim. No. Didn't want to be that girl who'd let a guy into a house and he'd attack. I mean, how foolish did I feel at that point as well? Do you? You feel partly your fault, yeah. And I remember the boyfriend at the time. I mean, we're still in contact now and we're okay, but...
00:09:53
Speaker
we're not together but we didn't fall out but he couldn't understand he said well you let him in yes i didn't want to but yes and i can see i made a massive error there but that does not excuse what happened like not at all you know not once did i was i clearly given him any indication that this is what i wanted no he was trying to put him off before he came in which he knew but he still managed to you know
Challenges with Police and Prosecution
00:10:23
Speaker
It angers me now, you know, I've got a daughter and I don't want her to grow up with that fear but then you do at the same time because you want them to be safe, you want them to have an understanding of what could happen but, yeah, it's not right. On all this, what were you wearing? I was actually in jeans, I think at the time, and boots and nothing revealing whatsoever.
00:10:48
Speaker
past midnight had a coat on so but it wouldn't matter if I was walking across the street in my bikini no it still doesn't give a man any right no to do what they want with you you know it's not there's an art installation I can't remember where I saw it but it's an exhibit of clothes that people were wearing when they were attacked and sexually assaulted
00:11:12
Speaker
And it's clearly to prove that nothing anybody wears is ever any reason why they should be a target. There's a small child's stress. It's very poignant to say that it's not about what you're wearing, what you're doing.
00:11:38
Speaker
After you'd seen the police and the dark reality was dawning on you of what had just happened, where did it go from there? So they took me immediately to a safe house at that point because they have to do swabs and things. So they took me to a safe house and I was only there for a few hours just so they could do what they needed to do. But actually looking back,
00:12:07
Speaker
My experience with the police was actually far more degrading than the assault. Really? Yeah. So they were very dismissive of me. When they sent the doctor in to do the swabs, it was a bloke. And I was like, I'm sorry, I can't let him touch me.
00:12:28
Speaker
because it's internal swabs that they have to take. And they were like, really? There's no one else. I'm like, look, I'm really sorry, but given what's just happened, I'm not allowed to request a female. So they weren't very happy, lots of sighing and tutting. And the female came and took the swabs that they needed. And then another police officer, I can't remember how long afterwards, perhaps the day after or a couple of days after came,
00:12:54
Speaker
to my house and asked more questions. I don't know whether it was about what I wanted to do next, whether I wanted to prosecute or not, kind of a discussion about where it went from there. And I remember, I remember his name, but I'm not gonna mention it. I made a complaint afterwards. This chap sat on my sofa, on my friend's sofa, because I didn't go back home, so I was still at my friend's, and said, if you prosecute, just think about what this will do to this young man's life.
00:13:24
Speaker
And I looked at him and I just couldn't believe those words had come out of his mouth. I was like, what about mine? I couldn't believe it. I remember leaving the room and bursting into tears and just being like, I don't know what to do now. Cause he clearly has no care whatsoever for me. And clearly doesn't believe what happened happened. The way that I had explained it had. So I didn't know what to do. I was like, no, I want to prosecute because
00:13:54
Speaker
I don't want him to do it again. If we don't, he's going to do it again. And I knew him. He wasn't a stranger to me. So I went ahead with the prosecution. And then it got to the point where another police officer, another male, I can't remember where we were. I think we were in the police station. And he'd said to me, if you go ahead, you won't win. You might as well not bother.
00:14:25
Speaker
And I thought, do you know what? Do I really want to go into court and stand there and recount all of this in front of him, in front of a load of police officers who don't believe me? No. And presumably people who will say that you're lying. Yeah. Yeah. And that's almost... The thought of it was horrendous. And I just couldn't... I couldn't... I just couldn't bear the thought of having to do that. So I thought, do you know what?
00:14:53
Speaker
just drop it I'm gonna drop it and I went into the police station I said I'd like to close the prosecution the you know the case and he said we have to write on the form this was another police officer so not the same one the other two were a different person he said can I write on the form that you're dropping it because you weren't sure whether it was rape or no and I said absolutely not I said you could write on that form that I'm dropping this case because of
00:15:19
Speaker
None of the police force believe me and I've got no support in following this through and I've been told that I'm not gonna win So yeah that was it was in many ways harder than the attack itself Yeah, yeah, it's a bigger thing than just that short period of time yeah, well it was just this disbelief and that his life would be ruined and
00:15:48
Speaker
that I had somehow done something wrong, that I was the cause of it, that he was the victim somehow. And I didn't understand that. I still don't understand that. And I know, unfortunately, women still have that. They're still experiencing that now. I think it's got better, but I think it still does happen. And like we were discussing earlier about, what was she wearing? What time was it? Was she drunk?
00:16:17
Speaker
all those things play a part in the story but they do not allow a man, no, you know and also you know something that only last year I think I was reading something that said neither does a woman have to say no, you're not automatically
00:16:37
Speaker
available to any man until you say no. You have to say yes. It's not about saying no. It's not about your body's free for any man until you stop him. No. That's not how it works. You need to be a part of it. It needs to be consensual. You need to welcome it. There are signs that women do or don't want to do anything, kissing or any further than that.
00:17:03
Speaker
And it's not about saying no, it's about being consensual and actually actively saying yes. And I think that's a massive shift in mindset that needs to happen to you. I think that's a really important point to make as part of this this podcast for any teenagers who are listening, not just girls, but boys as well. Because they do teach consent in schools now and that's such a good thing. But
00:17:30
Speaker
knowing and reminding yourself to pick up on those and be responsible is just so important for teenage boys to think about and for girls to know that that is absolutely their right, that you should never feel pressured. No, we all own our own bodies, male or female.
00:17:48
Speaker
no one has the right to do anything that you don't want them to do. No, well I mean even a GP will, examining you for a problem, will ask you and ask your permission to touch you before they start. But there is this mindset with sex and consensual sex that in order for it to be non-consensual you have to say no, but that's not right. And that's legally not right? No, absolutely. I think that's really good to point out. Even with my children, if they don't want to kiss
00:18:16
Speaker
Grandad's goodbye, they don't have to. Absolutely, yeah. Do you want to give Grandad a kiss? I don't want to, just go, no. Okay, if you don't want to, that's cool. No, absolutely, it's totally your choice. You don't have to do it. I've said the same to my kids as well. I remember it was a thing that I had to kiss my parents goodnight every night and it went on until I was about 14 and I hated it. And eventually I just didn't say goodnight to them, I just started going to bed without telling them.
00:18:41
Speaker
because i wanted to avoid the argument over not doing so but it's absolutely right and you know protects relationships going forward yeah well i think it's just i mean it seems really small in comparison to what we're talking about here but actually
00:18:55
Speaker
forcing that hug or that kiss even to somebody, you know, family member who's teaching them that they don't have control over their bodies. It's a small thing but it's, you know, it's a little seed that if I'm told to do that I should do that. I saw someone talking about tickling as well and that actually if you're tickling a child and it's all fun and games, if they say stop, you have to stop.
00:19:22
Speaker
Yeah. And they're going to say stop straight away aren't they? Because it's a weird uncomfortable thing. Yeah but then if they go, oh no tickle me again, then that's the game right? That's fine, yeah but yeah, no if they say stop you stop. Yeah, it's a minefield, you know, it's a minefield and it goes further than just sexual assault and rape and you know, it goes further because it's all in the mindset of how we talk to each other and how we respect each other and it goes a lot further than that really but definitely, yeah.
00:19:52
Speaker
Okay, so talk to us a little bit about afterwards how you were in yourself. Did this change your outlook on life? Were you confident, not confident after? What did it do to you emotionally?
00:20:11
Speaker
I'd always been quite confident and quite grown up for my age I suppose in many ways. Well yeah, moving out at 17. Yeah, so it did knock my confidence and I became scared of going in on my own after dark and terrified for my friends.
Support System: Friends and Family
00:20:27
Speaker
who wanted to pop out for a packet of cigarettes. And I'd be like, I'll come with you. And then I had many an argument, don't be stupid, stay here. And I'm like, no. And they're like, I'm old enough. I'm like, look, please let me go with you. And we'd get really distressed about it because I thought, you know. So I found that quite hard. And then I suppose I just pushed it to the back of my mind. I mean, I did talk to my parents about it. It was difficult for them.
00:20:56
Speaker
Were they shocked? Yeah. My dad's extremely loving and I don't think could deal with it very well. Did you tell them who it was? Yeah, but they didn't know him. Oh, okay. Yeah, I think my dad, we had a short conversation about it and then when he asked me if I was okay and I said yes. That was the end of it, yeah.
00:21:23
Speaker
Which, I get it. You know, and it was fine. And I kind of didn't want to keep going over that with my dad. It's a hard thing to talk about with, you know, the most important man in your life, really, essentially. So that was fine. I remember my mum, we did have a brief conversation about it, but there was, I suppose I wanted, needed, expected a bit more support there, but there wasn't any really. Do you think they found it difficult to know
00:21:54
Speaker
what to do, how to support. I think so and I think because I had always been quite strong and independent they didn't want to muscle in and upset me further by you know insisting that I do things or not do things you know so I mean it's difficult for parents to I mean as a parent now it's difficult to comprehend isn't it? Yeah I mean I don't know how you're going to respond. I can't even think about it.
00:22:22
Speaker
But I kind of got on with it really and, you know, continued going to college and stopped working where I was working, obviously, because he was still there, was still in the town that I was in. Have you seen him since? Yeah. A couple of times. The thing that gnawed at me the most was thinking that he thought I was frightened of him, which of course I was.
00:22:48
Speaker
but I didn't want him feeling like, yeah, like, you know, I'd overpowered her. I mean, unfortunately a week after he attacked me, I found out he'd actually attacked one of my best friends who also worked with us the night after. So he was obviously quite prevalent in, he saw this as something, he did it regularly. Just the thing he did. Yeah. God.
00:23:14
Speaker
So almost like it wasn't a big deal to them. Yeah, not a big deal. Which annoyed me even more, the police's response to it because they could have stopped that. They could have stopped, Lord knows how many people he attacked, but it could have been stopped. And it wasn't because I had no support and I couldn't fight the whole system on my own. I didn't have the energy or the strength or the mental capacity at that time to be able to do that. But I remember it was New Year's Eve when I was in a pub.
00:23:43
Speaker
And he walked in. This was after. And I clocked him and he clocked me and the friends were like, let's go. And I said, no, he's not running me out of this pub. Absolutely not. And I'd gone up to the bar to get a drink and he happened to be standing there with his back to me. So I just stood there and he turned round and I said, oh, hi. And he kind of took a step back and he did look a bit like, oh, he wasn't full of ego and bullshit.
00:24:13
Speaker
hmm and I stood quite close to him and I just I said I'm not scared of you you know and he just looked at me again he didn't say anything I said I don't want to bump into you in pub so it would be really good if you could leave town and I walked off I said happy new year and then walked off and he left the pub and he did leave town for six months right which I
00:24:40
Speaker
I guess it tells you that you had an impact yeah which is what you needed and it was it was about again taking over I don't know whether power's the right word because I was powerless through it all really but I think I wanted him to know that I wasn't scared I wanted him to know what what he did was wrong and I wanted him to be frightened to do it again in case he came up against someone who wasn't
00:25:06
Speaker
overly frightened of him or not frightened enough not to say anything because of course I was got back to the table and was shaking like a leaf but you know I wanted him to think think about what his actions what he was doing and and you know think about if he would you know if I stopped him doing it once then great you know he did come back to town and I saw him a few times after that before I'd left town
00:25:33
Speaker
But yeah, you know. Did all your friends clearly knew? Yeah. You told them. My close friends knew it wasn't something I wanted people to know because I didn't want people to look at me as a victim. No. And when you tell someone, their faces change. Even now, when I tell people who I haven't told before, they look at you in a completely different way. I didn't want that. I didn't want everybody to know.
00:26:02
Speaker
So I kind of didn't tell people. If somebody asked me, I wouldn't have lied to have hidden it, but it wasn't something I was actively kind of talking about. And I think I did want people to know what he was capable of. Yes. So how were your good friends? Were they a source of support for you? Yeah, really supportive, really supportive. I don't think I could have got through it without them in all honesty. They let me talk and cry.
00:26:30
Speaker
That's so important. Yeah, really important. And quite often, if you've got a friend, you know, if you're a teenager and something awful has happened to your friend, they don't necessarily need you to talk to them. They just need you to sit there whilst they talk to you or sit in silence whilst they cry or hold them.
00:26:52
Speaker
They don't, it's not about, what do I say? You don't have to say anything, you just have to be there. And it can help so much with the recovery. Just to be that person who's willing to sit there in that uncomfortable space and be there for you is really important. No matter what that is. And it needn't be something as serious as this. It could be, they'll just have their heart broken or just to be there.
00:27:18
Speaker
You know, it's really important, really important. You just need to feel when you've been through something hard, you just need to feel like it's okay and you have permission to cry out loud and be heard. Absolutely. You don't have to hide it for the sake of others. Yeah. Because that's really hard. I think the problem is for other people. I think we are so conditioned to trying to solve problems for people. Absolutely. So when there is a problem that you absolutely cannot solve, the risk is that you jump in and with
00:27:48
Speaker
platitudes that will be insulting more than anything else. Yeah, I totally agree. And I've been guilty of that too. So have I. I think we all have. Because you want to help, you want to make it better. You want to solve it so they can move on and be the person that they are. Not for your sake, but because you want them to be happy. But actually there are times when you're not happy and you can't be happy.
00:28:12
Speaker
And the only thing that will ever get you on the road to happiness is time and knowing that people accept.
00:28:21
Speaker
you for what you're dealing with and we'll stick with you. You've got to be allowed to experience it properly because if it's anger or pain or grief you've got to you've got to let it out because if you keep it in it's it's actually really corrosive it's no good but if you feel like you haven't got permission by anybody because it hurts others your friend and family you keep it in even though they might be saying oh you can tell me you kind of get the vibe that actually they can't be there
00:28:49
Speaker
because they don't want to be but actually you're going to upset them so then you don't yeah so if you can be strong enough to be that person to sit in that uncomfortable space
Empowerment and Healing Process
00:28:57
Speaker
for your friend or family member amazing it means it honestly it was pivotal in in my recovery from it I guess and you know and being able to be the person I am now and being able to talk about it and understand that it's
00:29:14
Speaker
it's part of my story and I accept that it's part of my story and it wasn't many years after I was actually saying to my friends obviously I wished it hadn't happened but in many ways I don't regret that it did and they couldn't understand it and even now it seems there's part of my brain that doesn't understand it when I say it out loud but basically you know I became a different person when that happened to me
00:29:42
Speaker
and I became in many ways a better person, I became stronger. I had a better understanding of who I was and good or bad it's still part of my story and it's made me the person that I then thought I was and without that would I be the person that I am now? No. So you have to accept these things with good and the bad of life to be able to, if you're happy with the person that you are, all those things are the building blocks for that.
00:30:08
Speaker
So of course I wished it hadn't happened, but actually it gives me a greater understanding and empathy for others. It makes me grateful for what I do have. I'm able to go, well, do you know what? If something awful happens, well, it can be worse. It just gives you a bit more of a perspective on life. And I think to be able to get to that point, not everybody can, and I understand that, but I think everybody can go down that path.
00:30:37
Speaker
you know, fully or a little bit, but actually get to the point where they can accept that these things, whatever they are, are, you know, part of their story. It's just another chapter, right? You move on to the next one. Yeah. Absolutely. And it is. And, you know, it was for me, and I mean, even looking at it now, in many ways, it could have still been worse. He didn't beat me. He wasn't violent. He didn't hurt me.
00:31:06
Speaker
or you know in a kind of he didn't punch me or cut me or any of those and it could have been horrendously worse and it's horrendously worse for you know and I just think to be able to look at something like that is really important yeah I think I think you don't you don't understand
00:31:29
Speaker
that other people might be going through difficult things and how that might feel for them until you've experienced something difficult yourself. And I think once you have, you do become a more empathetic person, you do understand others' needs. So I do understand that there's a positive to something that is completely horrific. I think,
00:31:58
Speaker
What I'd like to ask is for somebody who is maybe just 15, 16, very young, or any age really, but as we're talking to teenagers here, what would you say? Because obviously that kind of acceptance and moving on comes in time. What would you say to that person who is in the pit of anguish over what's happened to them?
00:32:27
Speaker
I would say, I think no matter what it is, whether it is rape or whether it's something else that they're kind of feeling the despair about, is you have to feel it. You have to feel that pain, you have to go to the bottom of it, the deepest, darkest bit and feel it. Allow yourself to feel it because if you don't, it will never go away. And that was how
00:32:52
Speaker
That was how I overcame it really, was allow yourself to be angry, allow yourself to be sad, allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that you feel. Don't push any of them away. Some of them will surprise you. For instance, I remember going through a time when I actually felt really sorry for him.
00:33:12
Speaker
And people were like, what? Does it make any sense? And I was like, well, but what kind of life must he have had to be acting that way? And I felt sorry for him. Yeah, I get that. And when I first felt that, I was angry then with myself. Why would I be thinking...
00:33:34
Speaker
Let yourself think about whatever is coming out of your thoughts and your emotions. Just feel it. Write it down if you want to. Share it with others. It's really important. Talking's really important. Even if it's just one person, let somebody in. Somebody who can sit there in that space with you.
00:33:51
Speaker
and it might be a friend, it might be a family member, it might be a doctor, it might be, it can be anybody. I was going to ask, did you have counselling? No I didn't. Do you think that would have been useful? Yes I do and I think, I almost think that
00:34:06
Speaker
any woman who goes to the police whether they follow through with the prosecution or not should be offered that and I don't know whether that is the case now. I'd hope so. I'm going to do a little bit of research and I'll put it in the show notes actually if I find something just so people have the facts.
00:34:23
Speaker
Because even if it is a case, and I understand that this does happen, that sometimes women aren't telling the truth, that does happen. But even if that is the case, there's still some counselling that needs to take place. Absolutely, there's still something not right. Yeah, absolutely. So I think that support is really important. Yeah. And it would have helped me at the time just for someone to say, I believe you, you know,
00:34:49
Speaker
Yeah. Oh, totally. Really important. And that's why your friends were the most important thing, I guess, because they believed and they listened. Yeah, and they supported me through it. What would you say to the parents? I'm thinking that parents
00:35:05
Speaker
might also be listening to this point. In fact it may just it may be more parents than teenagers listening to this who've reached a point where they are searching for advice and struggling to find anything. I think it'd be really valuable for them to hear what you think would have been useful from your parents but also
00:35:29
Speaker
As a parent, what your take on something like this happening would be and how a parent might be able to best support a child, putting aside their own emotions. Which is hard. Yeah, but how they might help a child who's been through this.
Advice for Parents and Society
00:35:47
Speaker
If one of my parents could have been one of those people who could have sat in that space with me, that uncomfortable place and just been there,
00:35:56
Speaker
That would have been wonderful. But as a parent, it's probably the hardest for them to be that person because they're going through their own trauma. The child has just been raped. That's traumatic. It is. Yeah. In fact, that's nearly brought me to tears more than talking about. Yeah. That's hard. And that's something that they're going through that's linked with what the child's going through, but actually is their own trauma. They've then got to deal with that.
00:36:25
Speaker
You know, and that is a separate thing, but I would also say it's okay to show your daughter that pain.
00:36:33
Speaker
and to discuss that openly as well and say, look, I'm struggling because I want to be there for you, but I can't because I'm struggling with this whole idea myself. Like I'm in pain, a different pain, but I'm in pain too. And not try and take it away and kind of make it more about- Because that's what you want to do, isn't it? Your child, you just want to take it all from them and deal with it on your own. Yeah, but just to be open and honest and be honest about how you're feeling as a parent. Yeah.
00:37:02
Speaker
and let them offer them support. I mean, you know, I think there are a lot of places you can go to now as a parent, I mean, even the doctor, and go and explain what's happened and where can I go, what can I offer my child as by way of support. If she doesn't want to talk to me, I understand that. And again, that's probably another big thing, don't be offended. Don't be like, well, they don't want to talk to me, so they're fine. No, they won't be.
00:37:26
Speaker
So if they don't want to talk to you, you've got to accept that that's okay. And that's not a personal thing towards you. It's just how they're coping with it. Yes. But who can you, what can you offer in terms of the support that they could go to if they want to, whether they tell you about it or not? You know, don't pretend like it didn't happen. It must be tempting. Of course it is because you want to erase it. You want to go back to what it was before, but it will never be that. You can't forget it. You can't erase it.
00:37:55
Speaker
So don't, you know, if there's a storyline in a film or, you know, just... Yeah, what do you do in that situation? Yeah, I've been in situations like that and it is uncomfortable. Or we'll go to watch a film and...
00:38:10
Speaker
I've had this with my dad actually, we've gone to watch a family say, there's not a very nice bit in it, and I know what he means, but it's okay dad, so he kind of warns me, which is really sweet, but then I'm still like, it's okay, it's okay, but probably that bit is more uncomfortable for them to sit through with you there. Yeah, we don't need to sweep it under the carpet and I think the more we do as parents and as
00:38:35
Speaker
Oh gosh, I nearly said victims, but I don't like that word. But as parents and as women that this happens to, we do tend to push it under the carpet because it's horrendous and we don't want to talk about it. We don't want it to be part of our society, but it is. And I think the more we ignore it, the more we kind of let it happen, the more we deem it acceptable in one way, which again is probably not the right word, but the more we talk about it,
00:39:04
Speaker
you know, the more we can see the effect it's having on our society and the more we can try and change that. Yeah. I guess you don't want to normalise it. No, absolutely not. Because it could never be normal. But I know what you're saying. But by ignoring it, you are normalising it. Well, yes, or you're hiding it and allowing it to go on without comment. Yeah. It's a difficult topic. It's a difficult situation for everybody. Yeah.
00:39:33
Speaker
Jenny, I don't know what to say. As I said at the beginning, thank you for talking to me about it and for allowing that story to be out there. I think it will be helpful to families and kids who are facing something they never imagined having to deal with.
00:39:54
Speaker
Is there anything else that you want to add or anything you want to say that I haven't asked you about already? I mean, I guess we could talk all day. I suppose if anybody is currently experiencing this situation as a parent or as a young woman or middle-aged woman or anybody, you can get through it. You will smile again, life will be right again. It's possible. You know, I'm in a place now where
00:40:25
Speaker
I do accept it as part of my story. I do wish it obviously hadn't happened. But I accept it as part of my story and you can get to that place. And actually, you know, we learn a lot more about ourselves from the darkest parts of our stories than we do the happy times. And all of these things will make you the strong woman that you want to be. And I think to try and keep that in mind, that, you know,
00:40:54
Speaker
yes it would have changed you in some ways but actually you're still who you were before and you can still be that person again but you can be that person and better it is possible and to not lose sight of that because it is really hard you know when you're struggling and you know it can lead on to mental health issues and other problems but just an understanding that it doesn't have to be that spiral down and that actually you can survive it you can get through it and that's really I think that's probably
00:41:24
Speaker
and come out the other side even better. I love that. I love your point that the things that you learn the most from to carry forward come from
00:41:36
Speaker
Bad experiences, not good, and we're all gonna have some bad experiences. It's just hard when you're very young and you've been salt the fairy tale and you realise that the world is not Cinderella. No, but it needn't be the end. No. It needn't be the end. With the right support and with you giving yourself time, taking care of yourself, allowing yourself to be how you are,
00:42:02
Speaker
and thinking and feeling how you you know whatever is coming out allow yourself to be that you know give yourself permission if you need to stay in bed all day stay in bed all day so you don't have to justify that to anybody else it's part of your recovery you do it you do what's right for you and you put yourself first and and that's really important yeah I think that's fantastic note to end on thank you so much you're welcome really really good conversation important conversation
00:42:30
Speaker
It's been quite cathartic to share actually, it's been many years, many many years since I've actually spoken about it like this but yeah it's been an honour, thank you for the opportunity and I hope that this helps some people who are listening and if it's just one it makes it worthwhile so thank you very much.
00:42:50
Speaker
Gosh, I mean, I found what Jenny had to say about moving forward after being raped so incredibly inspiring. I feel like this was a really important conversation. Jenny makes some brilliant points about dealing with pain and I hope she gives you some inspiration to know that life afterwards can still be as fulfilling as you imagined it would be.
00:43:17
Speaker
Thank you so much for listening. If you enjoyed this episode, I'd love it if you'd subscribe and come back next week for another brilliant guest. If you feel like giving us a rating and review, that would be amazing as it all helps other families to find us too. This episode of the Teenage Kicks podcast is sponsored by Blue Microphones who gave me the brilliant yeti customer mic so I could record the series. Bye for now and I hope to see you next week.