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Episode 2: Machete vs. The Accountant — Mayhem & Math
33 Plays2 months ago
It’s Danny Trejo’s machete-wielding folk hero vs. Ben Affleck’s neurodivergent number-crunching assassin in a matchup no accounting ledger could’ve predicted. We break down their battle résumés, signature moves, and swing (literally) into the moment one of them uses a guy’s intestines to repel down a building.
Plus: The MacGyver of murder. Hollywood’s A-listers... and then people like Steve. And a few detours into accounting puns, emotional trauma, and a few strays in the direction of Steven Seagal.
"You f***ed with the wrong podcast!"
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Transcript
Introduction to the Fictional Fighting Championship
00:00:07
Speaker
This is the fictional fighting championship podcast, the ultimate battleground where Hollywood's deadliest warriors collide.
Overview of the Tournament
00:00:15
Speaker
We're taking 48 of the most ruthless, skilled, and battle-hardened fighters from movies and TV and throwing them into a no-holds-barred tournament to see who survives.
00:00:26
Speaker
You've seen in the movies, you know the legends. Now it's time to settle the score.
00:00:40
Speaker
You could have at least texted me.
00:00:45
Speaker
Machete don't text.
00:00:49
Speaker
I'm Jordan Guerrero.
First Round Matchup: Machete vs. The Accountant
00:00:50
Speaker
I'm Christian Daugherty. And I'm Steve Sadler. And this is a podcast about the greatest fictional tournament in the history of the universe. And that's not even an exaggeration.
00:01:00
Speaker
Today we have a first round matchup between Isidore Machete Cortez and Christian the Accountant Wolf. ah you guys feeling? Feeling good. Muy bueno.
00:01:12
Speaker
Oh, nice. He's bringing the Spanish. the The guy with the British accent is bringing the Spanish. Spanish in a British accent. Nice. Nice. I'm wondering if we should start every episode, like a little gauge, like a scale where I ask you how you guys are feeling on a scale from one to 10.
00:01:29
Speaker
And then every week you say 11 just to get me hyped up.
00:01:35
Speaker
I'm at 11 right now. Okay. I got so much caffeine running through my veins. It's great. I am particularly hyped for this episode. um I won't tell you which one, but one of these movies is foundational as a favorite shitty action movie for me.
00:01:50
Speaker
Awesome. That's what this thing's all about. yeah You know what? It's funny. um This is, this will probably be our second episode that our listeners will hear. um the The first one is, was Dexter and Hannibal Lecter. So that one was pretty compelling, right? Because we had kind of some overlapping skills by those fighters, the high IQs, very cerebral, things like that.
00:02:12
Speaker
And this one couldn't be more different at all. Um, with one guy that's has like totally into process and the other one's just like a goddamn berserker.
00:02:23
Speaker
So this one's pretty interesting. For sure. I love that Jordan mentioned that it's a shitty action movie favorite of his. Like, I just, I hadn't, I haven't watched it. Sorry for not doing the research. This seems to be a theme every week that I just do not do any work for this podcast outside of editing and, you know, other stuff. But, um, yeah, I watched a few clips on YouTube and it was hilarious. Like the way that it's so over the top.
00:02:49
Speaker
ah you know seeing some of the best scenes and what Machete does is crazy. And it just makes me want to watch the film more, ah even though I already kind of knew that maybe it was she, but it's just, that's the reason it's good.
00:03:03
Speaker
It's outrageous. I like how no one mentioned what the movie was yet, but we all knew we were talking about Machete instantly. We were not talking about The Accountant, which if if you ask me, maybe was snubbed as an Oscar nominee in 2016. yeah.
00:03:20
Speaker
Hey, so so we're kind of we're kind of drifting into to um you know uncharted waters here. We don't want to get too deep into any of our opinions at the very beginning, but there is an opinion I want to get from you guys at at right at the start.
00:03:34
Speaker
Think back to a week or two ago before you started researching this this matchup at all. Who did you think when you saw the matchup would would be the favorite?
00:03:46
Speaker
And again, it doesn't it doesn't reflect who you think now, but who did you think before you did started researching? I thought it was going to be Machete and again, going to hold my opinion, but I did watch The Accountant 2 two days ago and still going to hold my opinion, but keep that in mind. too Okay.
00:04:02
Speaker
I just finished watching The Accountant 1 like minutes ago Uh, but I, I had seen it prior to that. So this was like my second or third time watching it maybe. yep And I was leaning towards Christian Wolf just because of his classical training as basically a Navy, you know, a Navy seal or like some kind of secret service agent or, you know, secret agent.
Initial Opinions and Film Research
00:04:28
Speaker
ye Yep. Yeah. I did too. Um, so, you know, I've seen this one multiple times. So, but, uh, As a as a civilian, not as a professional podcaster.
00:04:39
Speaker
So with from that view, I thought, you know what, he's pretty skilled. And I kind of thought um i caught I thought Christian Wolfe would be the winner then. Some some of my opinions have changed since then. And we'll get into that.
In-Depth Analysis of Christian Wolf
00:04:52
Speaker
But yeah, I thought very interesting.
00:05:02
Speaker
Let me start with this. Also, we're doing something different. this is ah This is a living, breathing podcast. We're going to start with the tail of the tape this time. It's ah it's it's a new intro, ah segment segment one, I guess you'd call it. So we can kind of recap these guys.
00:05:18
Speaker
um Let's start with Christian Wolfe, the accountant. um His debut, 2016. We saw him in the accountant movie, of course, ah portrayed by Ben Affleck. his His size, we're we're assuming the character's size in this case is similar to Affleck, so about six four Let's call him about 210, and his age probably about 40 or so um at that time. He's fighting out of Plainfield, Illinois, which is interesting, not too far from Chicago.
00:05:46
Speaker
And um in terms of signature moves, you know we know that he's got very precise marksmanship. He seems to be an expert at hand-to-hand combat and some other skills too.
00:05:57
Speaker
And let's roll this into our favorite segment, which is the kill count competition between you guys. I want to preface it really quickly. were For Wolf, we're only doing Accountant 1.
00:06:14
Speaker
We're in a touchy area here. Accountant two is brand new as we're recording this. We don't want to spoil this for our for our listeners. So we're going to try to avoid any spoilers, anything like that. um And most of my research, most of our research has been through through the accountant one. let's So let's draw the line right there on this on this kill count question.
00:06:33
Speaker
Who wants to go first? This is too much pressure. i Actually, no, maybe I should put the pressure on Jordan because I did guess, I think, 68 last week, and it came back as 66 for something like that.
00:06:48
Speaker
Unbelievable. And we learned a lesson last time, didn't we? It was not only kills that we saw happen, but implied And assumed kills as well. So i'll keep that in mind.
00:07:00
Speaker
All right. For this one, I'm going to go 45. Okay. I'm going to go with less.
00:07:12
Speaker
I'm going to 25. Okay. Uh, the winner is Chris. The estimate is 25 to 35 kills.
00:07:23
Speaker
Now this, and again, it includes kills that we see and implied or historical kills. So the the the tricky part is that this is probably very conservative because they don't, in this movie, they don't do one of those old tropes.
00:07:36
Speaker
where they rehash everything. Oh, he was a combat vet with 75 kills. you know They didn't do that, which was kind of refreshing, but we have to assume that he had more, even though we have no proof of it, but the estimated kills that we know about between 25 and
Exploring Machete's Combat Style
00:07:55
Speaker
35. So that's what we have to go up go by. Just real quick.
00:07:59
Speaker
Suck it, Jordan. Yeah. ah Agree to disagree on this ke kill count. Jordan Jordan's shirt was 45 based on his backstory.
00:08:10
Speaker
Vibe check on this guy. It's like if Jason Bourne did your taxes basically. And was autistic. Yeah. And might've hit his head. Yes. Yes. Uh, tale of the tape machete.
00:08:22
Speaker
What was his debut? Okay. We're going to talk more about this for sure. The character as we know him debuted in 2010. in the movie Machete. We'll talk more about what others may consider his rookie season.
00:08:35
Speaker
But yes, so that that that question was way more difficult than it should have been when he made his debut, but we'll get into that. He's portrayed by Danny Trejo. um The character's size, 5'11", 210.
00:08:48
Speaker
Probably in the sixty in his 60-year-old, somewhere around there. Anybody want to comment on 210?
00:08:55
Speaker
little chunky. Danny Trejo is 5'6 and about 170 pounds. But when they had, they held the screen on a computer screen and it had his, all his dimensions on there, all his, everything on there. And it said 210 pounds. So the character
00:09:15
Speaker
is taller than the real actor. I love that. Love it. That's funny. He's fighting out of Texas ah in a bunch of Mexican border towns. His signature moves. Jesus, just brutal kills with machetes, knives, all kinds of things like that.
00:09:29
Speaker
Kill count. Confirmed on screen. The two movies that you know about. um What do we think it is? I'm going to lose this one because it sounds like Jordan is a ultimate fan of machetes.
00:09:42
Speaker
And I haven't seen the movie, so I'm a complete disadvantage here. I'm going to go between the two movies. I'm going to say 125. right This man is a ninja blender for bad guys.
00:09:52
Speaker
I mean, we thought Dexter was a lot last year, but ah that you know sounds on par. And we we guessed that maybe Dexter's kill count was the highest of the whole tournament.
00:10:04
Speaker
But it sounds like this movie is pretty crazy. I'm going to go with 135 and I'm going to hope that it's over so that I win. What did you say, Jordan? 125? 125. one twenty five Approximately 155. Two and ah two and O, baby.
00:10:22
Speaker
God damn it, Chris. he's And and if you if you take this statement literally, it's even more. He's killed more men than the plague. So we would have to figure that out. In the millions. Is is that a tagline?
00:10:38
Speaker
it's ah It's a quote, yeah yeah. You bet your ass, baby. Do you feel a connection with Machete because you're part Mexican? That's exactly what it is. It really takes me back to my roots. Yeah.
00:10:53
Speaker
Yeah, your roots in the wine country, California, Santa Rosa, California. who Should we do the character breakdowns?
00:11:04
Speaker
Let's get into it. All right, let's do it. But first, a message from our sponsor.
00:11:13
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:11:59
Speaker
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00:12:15
Speaker
Now onto the battle resume, um, battle resume types of enemies for Christian Wolf. Guys in a pretty highly dangerous line of work for an accountant, wouldn't you say?
00:12:31
Speaker
fish show Absolutely. I mean, the cartels, you'd name it, the Yakuza, anyone who's into illegal stuff, cook the book, uncook the book, anyone all over the world.
00:12:41
Speaker
yeah And they described it pretty nicely. Like, first of all, it makes no sense that an account accountant would also be like a trained killer and assassin, but they did describe it in a way that, you know, when you have these high powered,
00:12:53
Speaker
ah criminal organizations. It's not like they can hire H&R Block to find out if anybody's cooking the books for you know and stealing money from them. So they have to get somebody else. And that's where Wolf comes in. So I think that they did a decent job at least explaining that.
00:13:10
Speaker
It's interesting that one of his clients turned out to be Living Robotics, which was supposedly a ah legitimate company. And we know what happened there.
00:13:22
Speaker
Um, let's talk about his background. Uh, does have training. He does have a ah skill set from, from, you know, years and years of training. His dad was, uh, arm is, it was in the, in the military and that's where he got it He was in a psyops, right? Is that what it was? So he was more a, had a psychological type background in addition to, um, kind of being a hardcore guy.
00:13:44
Speaker
For sure. I enjoyed, uh, seeing the two, brother two brothers, But as as younger kids, and ah when the mother left, at some point it it seems that the dad move had to move because of you know because of him working in the army.
00:14:02
Speaker
And they were in Jakarta. And it looks like the dad was there sitting there watching them train. And it was funny to me, because I do like martial arts and seeing it in movies, funny to me that a grown man was beating up two small children.
00:14:20
Speaker
Uh, and it was completely fine and he was fine with it. Just, I thought that was an interesting part of the movie, but, and it made me laugh a little bit. The fighting style I had never heard of.
00:14:32
Speaker
It's supposedly Indonesian pencak salat. Really? I don't know if I'm pronouncing it right, but that's, that's the fighting style that, that has been attributed to that. Very interesting.
00:14:43
Speaker
One thing I feel like is glazed over in the movies as part of his background, he becomes an absolute art enthusiast. So as he gets paid out in the movies, he starts accepting payment in, you know, Rembrandt's and Jackson Pollock's and things like that.
00:14:58
Speaker
And it's pretty interesting. Like when you watch his background there at no part, do you see his mom taking him to the moment as a child? It's just like, it's something that as a savant, it's an acquired taste for him.
00:15:10
Speaker
i'd I would like to know how that happened. Maybe, uh, is that a dress in number two? Yeah. In the second one, he does a dip and sip, a wine and paint class. He does one of those pottery classes where you paint the the ceramic bowl and then you give it for a Christmas gift that nobody wants.
00:15:27
Speaker
Yeah. The coffee cup for father's day. but Sounds like accounting two is a little slower. One, uh, no spoilers, but yes. the fact that he, collect the with the art collecting, um it seems like he doesn't live a lavish lifestyle at all, despite the money that he brings in, which I thought was interesting.
00:15:50
Speaker
um And it's... And they said he gives a lot of the money away. Yeah, yeah. So he it's almost like he enjoys he enjoys the math, obviously, and then maybe that's the biggest reason he's doing it but he also enjoys the danger. So he enjoys mingling with these people And so I think secretly he loves getting into altercations and you know combat. And he's obviously done it for a very long time and he needs these skills to survive and to to thrive.
00:16:20
Speaker
You know, the original screenplay for this thing um did say that he was Delta Force. so yeah So that's even more specific military training, even though we can see how obvious it is.
00:16:31
Speaker
But yeah, dude, looks like he's an expert at almost any kind of weaponry too. preferred weapons, hand to hand, firearms, sniper rifle. We see that. We see and what, ah i didn't I don't know anything about guns, but what is apparently an HK 45 for his closeup kills.
00:16:49
Speaker
So yeah, he's it's like, yeah, he's like Jason Bourne with with way way less emotion. The sniper rifle he uses, and again, I don't know any the amount guns either, but I would guess it's a 50 Cal or something, whatever those huge sniper rifles are.
00:17:05
Speaker
And then at the very end, when the, all of the, uh, investigators are on the stage with the reporters, um, they mentioned something about anti-aircraft artillery, uh, like
Highlighting Christian Wolf's Skills
00:17:18
Speaker
hole, like bullet holes, uh, being found. Yeah. So I thought that was crazy. That was, that was really cool. He's literally using anti-aircraft.
00:17:26
Speaker
and ah weaponry to try to kill people. And to blow up ah melons, cantaloupes. So I'll touch on that melon scene right there. So yeah he, as they said, he was shooting a mile away. So let's say he's shooting over 1600 yards away.
00:17:42
Speaker
Back of the napkin math here, he's shooting under half MOA accuracy 1600 yards with which if you're in the long distance shooting community is very challenging to do. It it makes you in the the top 1% of people who are super into it. So it makes him and an absolute savant at what he's doing.
00:18:01
Speaker
Most, most humans who are very into this and dedicated to the sport of long range precision shooting cannot shoot half MOA at that kind of distance. It is ridiculous. yeah it It is borderline.
00:18:13
Speaker
I mean, it's absolutely feasible and people do that. So it's not unrealistic, but it does show that he is absolute top in the world. Yeah, that's pretty awesome. And then his opponents, we know, well corporate thugs, hit men, mercenary types, um, organized crime muscle, um, well-trained, but, uh, as we see, he makes, he makes, um, you know, pretty easy work out of a lot of these trained, um,
00:18:40
Speaker
opponents, if you will. um Ray King tells us that, you know, and he calls him the accountant. So it's not like the equalizer. This is an actual nickname that they call him, right? This is the accountant that he's worked with cartels, warlords, terrorists, and things like that.
00:18:54
Speaker
And he seems to somehow survive.
00:19:04
Speaker
Shall we run the gauntlet? Should we run the gauntlet? Let's do it. You're reading my mind. The first one is keyboard carnage. It's kind of a favorite. and And I have one here. I went in expecting quick book tips.
00:19:17
Speaker
I left terrified of every man holding a trapper keeper.
00:19:24
Speaker
Nice. So good. And just as a reminder, the keyboard carnage segment, these are user reviews like Rotten Tomatoes, IMDB, where users give terrible reviews.
00:19:35
Speaker
In this case, it was an awesome review. Yeah. How about they've gone too far? Now, this is one where you think, okay, he should be dead. but he survived and now he's running at full speed with, you know, a terrible wound or an ax in his head or something like that. there I don't know that there's one in this for for Christian Wolf, but I do have something where I think they went too far in the plot that makes no sense to me. Let me run this by you guys.
00:20:03
Speaker
Why would a couple of thugs show up at that older couple's home while this guy is practicing shooting with a sniper rifle that he could shoot like an apple off someone's shoulder from a mile away.
00:20:18
Speaker
That seems stupid. Cause they're two dumb thugs, ah but like the fact that they roll up and they don't see him in the truck or something. And like, I think they knew he was there. Right. Because they said, go call him, go call call him in here. they So they knew he was there.
00:20:32
Speaker
Couldn't they have waited? I mean, if he was shooting baskets or something, that's one thing, but he's out there literally with a, a weapon that you just said would shoot down an airplane. Yeah. Okay. Just, just a thought. um One for me would be, and I love this part actually, was in the final fight scene in the in the house.
00:20:53
Speaker
And he is you know going around taking out all the mercenaries. One thing is that one of the mercenaries walks right up to the wall that he knows is he's he's hiding like behind and just like pokes his head over. And he's just already waiting there and just shoots him in the head. It's like, yeah what are you doing, dude?
00:21:10
Speaker
And then the biggest one is, and I love this part, was there was some jujitsu involved when he he was fighting the the very final mercenary before he ah meet you know reunites with his brother.
00:21:24
Speaker
And so, yeah, they're doing you know they're doing judo throws and you know kung fu and punching. And then they go to the floor. Again, more jujitsu. So I'm like, that's really cool.
00:21:36
Speaker
And he's kind of, the mercenary is on top of Christian and ah Christian uses some jujitsu,
Machete's Over-the-Top Action Sequences
00:21:45
Speaker
puts him in a clothes guard, hugs him to kind of subdue him and then pulls a grenade off of his back, off of the mercenary's back, unclips it and shoves it down his ah bulletproof vest.
00:21:58
Speaker
So, and then he closes him up in a triangle um and then waits for the grenade to go off and it, you know, goes boom. um And obviously the bulletproof vest stops any shrapnel coming out and just kills him.
00:22:13
Speaker
But, you know, the fact that he had him in a triangle and was like holding him really close and the grenade goes off. And I feel like that would have put some, ah you know, some kind of force into his nuts and hurt him a little bit. I guess he did kind of seem like he was hurt yeah um afterwards, but, ah you know, that was kind of a crazy moment. Yeah.
00:22:36
Speaker
He shook it off. It was pretty cool. Looked like Hoist Gracie back in UFC 1 where he was holding, you know, it was it was a very cool moment. So it was like in between ah craziness and yeah like, you know, enjoyment.
00:22:51
Speaker
For your collection, this is where you would maybe choose something you saw, like a cool article article of clothing. um that you'd want to display, maybe something you'd wear for a Halloween costume or an artifact from the movie, a piece of memorabilia, I guess, ah that you might want to keep on your shelf.
00:23:09
Speaker
You have a party and you can tell what it is. I feel like I'm stealing a lot of people's answers with this one, but the Stanley Thermos, the epic Stanley Thermos bashed in from beating a guy's face in with it.
00:23:21
Speaker
He didn't just beat the guy's face in with the Stanley Thermos. He continued to use it for his lunch on a daily basis.
00:23:29
Speaker
And never got the dent out. ah So badass. yeah Yeah. That's incredible. Yeah. That's a great one. And I didn't have that. That's like that's actually, ah that's better than the one that I had. Anna Kendrick even asks him about it and he stays quiet.
00:23:43
Speaker
yeah You know, he doesn't boast about it. He's he's a smooth, smooth guy. Incredible. I had his pocket protector. I thought think that'd be funny, but you can't really display that like you could a nice thermos.
00:23:55
Speaker
But let's be real here. If you're talking about actual memorabilia, I need that T206 Honus Wagner baseball card that he had in his drawer that you see glimpse for a second. The world's most sought after baseball card. It's from 1909.
00:24:12
Speaker
And I think the last one sold at auction for like $7.25 million. So he also, yeah, he also had an action comic number one, which I think was the first appearance of Superman.
00:24:22
Speaker
Yep. And he, of course he had a Jackson Pollock. He had all kinds other. I love that you, I love that you saw, saw that baseball card that like speaks to you for sure. A hundred percent. And, and I didn't see that. I didn't see that part. The the only thing preventing me from saying that's better than the thermos is that,
00:24:40
Speaker
It is a movie prop. I kind of doubt it's a real one. would be so if it would We can dream. Yes, we can dream. All right. This is our, one of our favorite segments. Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker.
00:24:52
Speaker
Any great lines that stand out? I have one that is actually great for this segment because it could be the only time that it's not actually spoken word that it's, uh, you know, one of the best lines from the movie.
00:25:08
Speaker
is after he beats the shit out of the guy in the pickup truck, ah they go over the hood and then he he wrings his neck with his belt. And then once he does, once he kills him,
00:25:22
Speaker
He looks at the two old, the old couple in the truck and then he just, he just waves and then walks away. And it's like super awkward. Like it's just his character to a T ah and just so nonchalant.
00:25:34
Speaker
I loved it. It was that, that cracked me up and yeah, he didn't have to say anything. It was almost like Dexter bringing donuts where Wolf killed the dude. And then he's like, Oh wait, I have to act more social. And he reminded himself. Okay. So he waves. Yeah.
00:25:50
Speaker
I have one that I thought was kind of funny. After a wild gunfight, there's a bunch of dead bodies laying around, and then he says, I have trouble socializing with people. Not bad.
00:26:00
Speaker
Let's see. Any other categories we have i have? I have one or two here that I could add, one main one. do you get Did you guys have another one? Anything off the like a wild card? Okay. um The only thing I'll add here, the mother's funeral was in Kankakee, Illinois.
00:26:15
Speaker
Big Illinois guy here. Something you want to share with the audience? Yeah, yeah. Well, I'm from Bourbonnet, Illinois, which is, there's three little tiny towns. Yes. Kankakee is one of the three. And so, yeah, very nice.
00:26:37
Speaker
Let's switch to Machete.
00:26:40
Speaker
Battle resume types of types of enemies. Yeah. As you'd expect, he goes after drug cartels, corrupt officials, um again, organized crime bosses. So there's some crossover there.
00:26:53
Speaker
I also like the term generic henchmen for some of these. ah But always people that have wronged him in some way. What about his background and training, like skill set type thing?
00:27:07
Speaker
I mean, Machete is an ex Fed Raleigh here, so I feel like he has his Mexican Fed Raleigh training. But I mean, even in the opening scene of the first movie, all the other federales are looking at him like he's batshit crazy. So clearly he did not get all of his training just from the federales. Clearly he is a born badass and everything that he's doing is stuff that is intrinsic or learned elsewhere.
00:27:31
Speaker
Agreed. i thought Coming into it, I had to be reminded that this guy isn't just a crazy Tasmanian devil. I do feel like he had more skills than I remembered. So I'm glad I did the rewatch.
00:27:44
Speaker
um He has some skills. I will say that. Where did he learn them? I don't know. He seems to be a MacGyver of murder. So I did see the one clip of him in the hospital, ah for example, ah taking the you know scalpels and knives and the bone cutter or whatever, yeah strapping it to ah a piece of cloth and just cutting people's faces open. Yeah. And then putting the Gatlin gun on the bike and then jumping. i don't know. It just, it was awesome.
00:28:17
Speaker
Did you come up with that MacGyver of murder? That's pretty damn good. I like it. Yeah. Yeah. On the spot. Well done, sir. um His opponents and the the people that he's faced is actually pretty impressive.
00:28:31
Speaker
um Torres is a Steven Seagal character. um who's an ex-Federali, he double crosses Machete, he he gets to that guy.
00:28:41
Speaker
ah There's a Mel Gibson character, Luther Vaz, in number two, who's a deranged billionaire who leads kind of a cult. He's also a weapons dealer, so this guy does it all.
00:28:52
Speaker
um He wants to start a new civilization in outer space. So yeah, this guy's got his hands full. um Robert De Niro. Is that one of the sequels? Sorry. That's not one of the sequels. Is one of the sequels Machete in Space? Because I did see something. It goes Machete, Machete Kills, Machete Kills again, Machete Kills in Space.
00:29:11
Speaker
And to my knowledge, the last two are completely made up, which is just they're not. yeah They only had two Machete movies, but they just leaned into the whole. It's part of the whole grindhouse genre of ridiculousness.
00:29:24
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Nice. Yeah. Love that. He also got, he also ah went up against Robert De Niro, who was a corrupt politician, kind of a racist, militia, asshole type, ah and kills versus Don Johnson, Sofia Vergara, Amber Heard. So this guy's racking him up.
00:29:44
Speaker
That's awesome. I had no idea. Robert De Niro, he's a legend. Pretty crazy. I know the cast of thousands. They have, only a listers in these movies it's pretty impressive and you can see that there are no b listers it's a listers and people like steve you know there's nothing in between oh my god i wish i was in this one
00:30:12
Speaker
let's run the gauntlet for machete keyboard carnage Did you guys have anything good? i found I found one that made me laugh. I want to hear it.
00:30:23
Speaker
The entire quote was, Steven Seagal ruined it. He ruins everything. One star.
00:30:33
Speaker
And then I did find another one too, which is also very, very perfect. And I feel for this. I have no idea. This this is the quote. I have no idea if this was supposed to be serious or a fever dream, but either way, I need three sequels and a coloring book.
00:30:50
Speaker
That's a great description. And this movie I feel is the definition of don't judge a book by its cover. ah I always saw ah the, the, you know, posters for it and it just looked so over the top. And I was like, that movie looks awful.
00:31:05
Speaker
ah But that's the point I think is that it's over the top and, and pretty, you know, stupid. So I'm definitely going to be, it's definitely lined up for me to, to be one that I'm going to watch.
00:31:18
Speaker
this This is not a movie that you recommend to people unless you know them well. ah Because one, it might not reflect well on you. And two, you have to know their taste well. It might not be one that we recommend to most of our significant others, most of our coworkers. But you're going to find that one weird guy who's really into this. like Not even that. like i Sorry.
00:31:35
Speaker
I feel like you could just watch it with your buddies and the whole time you're just going, and yeah, yeah. And you're just like, every time you get to kill, you know, you're all cheering, high-fiving. Yeah. Would this movie be a hundred times better if you were completely baked out of your mind?
00:31:54
Speaker
Wait, how did you watch this movie? Yeah, I watched it straight. the This movie screams it's 2 a.m. m and you're on the sci-fi channel and you're just curious what's on and it's machete and machete to coming next. Yeah. um You know, here's a strange segment here.
00:32:17
Speaker
The they've gone too far segment.
00:32:22
Speaker
Strange for this one for sure, because that's the entire movie. The entire franchise belongs in this category. um do We have to talk about, we just have to talk about this.
00:32:36
Speaker
um
00:32:38
Speaker
ah All right. All right. I'll do it.
00:32:44
Speaker
This guy is in a hospital in the middle of an escape.
00:32:51
Speaker
He cuts open a dude's stomach. Okay. Kills him. He reaches in and grabs the intestines. He then... runs the intestine out, jumps out of a second floor window, uses the intestine as a bungee cord. Sorry, not the second floor. I don't know what floor they're on, but the bungee cord is his intestines and it makes him fly through the window beneath him so that he could get on the lower floor and then...
00:33:18
Speaker
successfully escape. Have I described this accurately? Yes. Yes, for sure. i you did. I wrote that down too, as a favorite scene in the, in the small amount of research I did for machete, I typed into Google best machete clips.
00:33:35
Speaker
The first one that came up was him strapping the Gatlin gun to the bike and then doing that insane jump with the explosion behind him and just taking out like 10 guys at once.
00:33:46
Speaker
and then landing, a perfect landing, and then speeding away. And I was like, wow, that was fucking ridiculous. And then there was another clip. It was called Gutsy Jump. And I clicked on it.
00:34:00
Speaker
I was watching it. And then he escapes. He does the thing. you know He's trying to escape. He does the thing with the the knives and the cloth, and he's cutting up people's faces. And then he grabs the intestine and then jumps out. And I was just like, mind blown.
00:34:14
Speaker
It was incredible. And then I knew, and then at that moment I knew exactly what kind of movie this was. Unreal. The whole movie. I mean, we could, every week you go through every scene, which we're not going to do. I'll, I'll add a short one here, which is funny.
00:34:27
Speaker
um He was, he was shot in the head. I mean, we saw him, he got shot in the head. And the reason he survived, the doctor said was because there was another bullet lodged in his head where he was shot in the head before survived and it bounced off that bullet. And that's what saved his life.
00:34:48
Speaker
This man is bulletproof. For your collection, anything that you guys liked? Less of a single article, but I would absolutely rock the low rider.
00:34:58
Speaker
Like one of the low rider that he rolled out to when him and all the revolutionaries were going to go fight the militia in the last scene of the first movie. ah think it was badass. mean, you could take your pick of those. They were all bouncing down the street.
00:35:12
Speaker
Yeah, I haven't seen the film, but, you know, so I don't think it's fair necessarily fair for me to say, but his leather jacket, just like imagine that thing up with bullet holes in it.
00:35:23
Speaker
ah Blood on it, just like in a in a shadow box. That would be sweet. yeah One thing that I liked that I made a note of was there's like an old school walkie talkie that they were using in one scene, but it inexplicably had like a video screen on it.
00:35:41
Speaker
So I think it was like it was almost like they were talking FaceTime, you know, but on ah on a walkie talkie that appeared to be from like the nineteen seventy s So that would be an interesting conversation piece.
00:35:54
Speaker
All right. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. He's got a few. What do you like? Oh, Steve, I think you've got the audio clip from my favorite line.
00:36:05
Speaker
Where the fuck have you been? You could have at least texted me.
00:36:11
Speaker
Watch out the don't text.
00:36:17
Speaker
Machete don't text. It's so dumb, but I love this one. And this kind of dumb humor. If this doesn't connect with you, don't watch good movie. So good. um Yes, that's the most famous one, right? He also says, ah you fucked with the wrong Mexican.
00:36:32
Speaker
Love that. Very good. Do you say that to anyone, Jordan? I that one all the time. Yeah, all the time.
00:36:41
Speaker
yeah Unless they're Mexican, then I'm like, you fucked with the wrong Filipino. I was going to say, i feel like Lisa would say that lot.
00:36:50
Speaker
jo's Jordan's aunt and Steve's wife. ah um I have one here that I like that um was not the main character, but this is a good one.
00:37:03
Speaker
Please, Father, have mercy. God has mercy. I don't.
00:37:11
Speaker
Badass. Good one from Cheech. um I think we should do a Six Degrees of Steve, don't you? but i mean, if it's for Danny Trejo. Can we do it in six? was by far our most popular segment.
00:37:27
Speaker
Everyone loved it. Everyone's talking about it. No one's heard it yet. I...
00:37:35
Speaker
God damn it.
00:37:39
Speaker
Six degrees of Steve. Are you ready for this? This is crazy. Machete. like I'm saying it wrong. Am I saying it wrong? Is it machete? Machete.
00:37:49
Speaker
Machete. You have to say it with some anger. Danny Trejo, who played Machete, was in Natural Born Killers with Woody Harrelson. Woody Harrelson was the star of of White House Plumbers with me. The closest you've ever gotten to working with an actor on our show.
00:38:14
Speaker
I love it. That's two steps, man. I thought three last week was good. This is crazy. Two steps. I think you should try to make it six. Okay.
00:38:26
Speaker
fine you know Just to call out more people. All right. It'd be funny if you like it was enough you included Spy Kids in there. Yeah. You're probably close enough to where you could have called Woody Harrelson and just asked him to be on our podcast.
00:38:40
Speaker
Yeah. Speaking of being completely baked, he would be perfect for our podcast.
00:38:48
Speaker
Don't you need to have him? You can text him? Woody, don't text.
00:38:58
Speaker
Watch out the don't text.
00:39:02
Speaker
Here's a funny ah funny thing. um A hilarious shortcut that had no explanation. Jessica Alba, who was like the immigration, she worked for ICE or or whatever it was supposed to be called, right?
00:39:15
Speaker
um She phones this in. Run a search. Hispanic male scars tattoo. And then hangs up. Like, oh, okay. I'll get right on that.
00:39:30
Speaker
And then there's another thing that's just a hilarious side piece here. don't know if side piece is the right word for that, but. He's got a lot of side pieces in that movie. but I thought this was funny too.
00:39:43
Speaker
The very best the great state of Texas has to offer. Osiris. Amanpour. If a jet is captured alive, Osiris Amanpour in what appeared to be a TV ad for a hitman.
00:40:00
Speaker
Now it had, it actually had a number to call for a hitman 1-800-HITMAN, which is hilarious in itself because hitman 1-800-HITMAN doesn't even have the right amount of digits in it for an actual phone number.
00:40:16
Speaker
It's like the, but if the 1-800-Hitman doesn't work, you got to do a Better Call Saul or something to get out of it. Oh, man. Well, listen, that is a crossover because Danny Trejo was the Tortuga, right?
00:40:30
Speaker
ah In the... Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Okay. Here, here. Okay. So we got to talk about this, right? We talked about his rookie year being in 2010 for the debut of this movie.
00:40:41
Speaker
However, Machete... was in Spy Kids in 2001. He was their uncle, and that was him. He was Machete in 2001 in two thousand and one and Spy Kids, a children's movie.
00:40:54
Speaker
However, not the same character, right? ah It's been confirmed. They don't have the same backstory, anything like that. but So that's why it's a little bit fuzzy. We can pretend. Okay.
00:41:05
Speaker
He also, in 2007, they made a trailer for Machete, um and it was going to be placed in between a couple of Grindhouse films, right? Just like ah ah ah segue.
00:41:18
Speaker
That trailer did not exist. There was no movie for it. And then from that trailer, it goes straight to... the movie, which was unrelated. But yeah. So yeah, Danny Trejo, it went, it went from a fake trailer to a full blown franchise.
00:41:33
Speaker
So I guess you could say, uh, machete don't audition. Machete don't text.
00:41:41
Speaker
it
00:41:44
Speaker
I'm sure this has nothing to do with machete's bankruptcy settlement.
00:41:57
Speaker
let Let's do some open discussion here on this guy. Cause I don't want to leave this out. Cause we're talking about some of the funny things for machete, but we have to pick a winner. So we do have to keep that in mind. I think who the toughest opponent um that these guys have faced, should we start with Wolf?
00:42:12
Speaker
I think it was his brother. Yeah, definitely. Which is awesome. And we didn't discover it was his brother till the end. Right. Braxton. um and And for machete, oof man. Okay. Who's his toughest?
00:42:28
Speaker
It's gotta be Steven Seagal. Yeah. He was the arch villain. Right. And we'll talk about that scene in a second because another crazy one. But this, I'm going to say, even though I told you, I came in thinking Wolf was going to win.
00:42:41
Speaker
um And I am a fan of that, of that um movie. um But I have to say the fact that the machete character defeated Steven, a Steven Seagal character and a Mel Gibson character, both of whom are in this tournament, um,
00:42:58
Speaker
with other characters is pretty goddamn impressive, especially when you consider Steven Seagal is a notorious asshole and would likely refuse to lose to anybody, even legitimate fighters on screen.
00:43:13
Speaker
So I actually give Machete credit for being able to do that, the character to be able to do that, because those are two big name action stars, people who don't normally die. You keep dropping these huge,
00:43:26
Speaker
names and I am just shocked that all these people are in this movie. Yeah, this is amazing. Yep. I think the best part of Steven Seagal's defeat in that movie is he wasn't just, you know, it's not like he was decapitated like he did to a bunch of other people.
00:43:41
Speaker
He gave him a wound to his stomach and Steven Seagal looked at him said, I could come back from this. But then I would see you in hell. So I'm going to go there myself. And then he commits seppuku and he just kills himself out of respect for machetes fighting.
00:43:55
Speaker
And he's just standing there with the sword. The sword machete is right all the way through and practically he goes, this is nothing I could live. I could kill you right now. Look at this. And he's kind of dancing around almost.
00:44:09
Speaker
Movie's borderline Monty. state who stole Stole a kill from Machete. Does that count as um on screen skill? Yeah. ah Yeah, I also see a lot of Steven Seagal clips on social media and, you know, them breaking down his ridiculous Aikido style that, you know, a lot of jujitsu and other, you know, I would say real martial arts.
00:44:35
Speaker
ah practitioners definitely hate. How long have you been doing jujitsu? You already start talking about, oh, real martial arts.
00:44:47
Speaker
Yeah, maybe I should start doing some Aikido. Here you go. Maybe you should do that Indonesian sakat or whatever. Yeah, no one no one would expect that. That's right.
00:45:04
Speaker
So again, drilling down here, we have a goal. We have to come up with a winner here and it is tough. It's tough. It's going to be, it's way more difficult than I thought it was going to be at the beginning. um What makes, um you know, we always ask what makes this guy dangerous in the tournament, right? In this tournament tournament format.
00:45:20
Speaker
um You want to start with machete? I'll start with machete. Machete's greatest weapon is not his mind. It's not his body. It's not even his machete. It is his armor. And I'm not talking about the bullets lodged in his body that bounce other bullets off him.
00:45:34
Speaker
I'm talking about his plot armor. So... To even include Machete in this segment versus all of the other actors we have in here, this is such a different genre.
00:45:45
Speaker
And i mean, part of what makes him dangerous is the fact that there's a greenhouse film to where it is so over the top and ridiculous that it's almost unfair.
00:45:56
Speaker
Like this man can walk into a room with a knife tied as Chris said to a fucking piece of scarf and then slice a thousand people to death. It's absolutely ridiculous. There is nothing. This man can't survive. No human. This man can't kill.
00:46:09
Speaker
yeah So I think it's his plot armor that makes him absolutely impenetrable. And I've been saving this a little bit. Let me ask you guys, Chris, I want to get your thoughts on this too. I almost have to punish machete.
00:46:25
Speaker
for being too ridiculous and unbelievable. Because if, if he can win this round against somebody who's very trained and very, ah he's an assassin. He's a trained with great skills.
00:46:39
Speaker
Who could, who would beat him? Yeah. i I almost punish him for the ridiculousness. No, he's so ridiculous and gung ho that it, you know, it's feels as if he could just tear his way through every,
00:46:54
Speaker
other opponent all the way to the final of this tournament. And while that's ah certainly a positive or an advantage for him, I also think that, you know being too arrogant and too forward going into things, not thinking and just, you guns blazing, I think could be his downfall as well.
00:47:14
Speaker
Yeah. So we had last week we had two guys that were pretty similar. This one this week, very, very opposite, right? One guy is super emotional. The other guy's not emotional at all.
00:47:26
Speaker
One guy has very high high skill level. The other guy is more brute force. um well what's what's What's Christian Wolfe's path to victory here in this one? Quickly calling back to last week, Jordan, you had mentioned that you had somebody in mind that was equally as, ah you know,
00:47:45
Speaker
intelligent as Hannibal Dexter and more intelligent than Dexter. Was it Christian Wolf? It was not. i wasn't I was thinking of more of a planner. I mean, Christian Wolf is clearly more intelligent, but I feel like doesn't plan out as much. I feel like he's an expert synthesizer. He's less of a planner, but can break down something that's already happened. I would say that he's not a planner, but he's prepared.
00:48:11
Speaker
He's always prepared. for no matter what happens. So yeah, going back to Steve's question with, you know, what are his strengths and, ah you know, path to victory, I think that that is his. He's, you know, always ready for the worst. He has his trailer set up, you know, the storage unit, everything that he needs.
00:48:31
Speaker
um When, you know, they come knocking, he's ready to go. And, you know, nothing nothing can stop him if if he's thrown into the fire.
00:48:46
Speaker
This is where legends collide.
00:48:56
Speaker
So now we got to talk about the verdict. I came in thinking Wolf was going to win, right? told you that. After research, it was more difficult than thought.
00:49:10
Speaker
There's an argument that Machete squashes Christian Wolf. I'll give you that. However, I'll also say Machete killing those legends, also pretty impressive. I'm going to put that in the, chalk that up in the column for toward for Machete. Now for Wolf though.
00:49:30
Speaker
very even keeled. He's not going to get flustered. He can counteract the craziness that machete brings. And, you know, we talked about different categories for hand to hand and fighting and, uh, and, and training.
00:49:44
Speaker
Um, he has to be pretty close to the top and with the weapons too. So, um, for that reason, I think you can tell I'm leaning towards Christian Wolf, the accountant.
00:49:56
Speaker
Chris, what's your take on this? i At the beginning, i was also leading Christian Wolff. He's you know obviously more trained. He has more finesse.
00:50:07
Speaker
He is more prepared, understanding all of that, you know and and with all of his experience. And then with Machete being so you know rough around the edges, somewhat disorganized in his style.
00:50:23
Speaker
You know, I, thought I chalked it up to, to Christian Wolf being an easy winner here, but. After watching the clips and hearing about everything, you know, i do think that machete machetes, uh, gung ho style and just like absolute berserker type, you know fighting could overtake and put him above Christian Wolf, uh, where, you know, that there could be a point if they were to meet in a room.
00:50:50
Speaker
ah and be hand-to-hand, there's a chance that Machete could overpower him, despite Christian Wolfe's finesse. That being said, i at the end of the day, experience matters, ah technique matters, and so i i give this one to Christian Wolfe.
00:51:09
Speaker
Jordan, let's hear it. Okay, so here's my take. Machete would crush Wolf in a second. Machete has all of the plot armor. Machete can just blink at him. Christian Wolf doesn't matter how he walks in a room and headshots everyone. He will somehow miss Machete.
00:51:27
Speaker
But... In that same effect, I think it's a fallacy to give him that level of plot armor. I think what we need to do here, because every one of these characters exists in their own silo, we need to have them encounter in the same universe.
00:51:40
Speaker
So if Christian Wolf was existing within the same universe as Machete, I think that would be a completely different playing fields. If he had that same level of plot armor to where he could stab someone and then twist the machete around to have them drive a police car.
00:51:56
Speaker
You know, I don't think machete is taking it here. I'm going to give it to Christian Wolf for having. Much better hand to hand combat skills for having unquestionably one of the best firearm skills in probably the whole podcast here.
00:52:13
Speaker
ah His level of training, his commitment, his focus into everything here. Machete is a brute force killer. Machete is absolutely top tier, but I'm going to have to give it to Christian Wolf as topper tier here.
00:52:28
Speaker
He's going to take it from me. It's almost like Machete has supernatural powers with his ability to kill. So maybe he shouldn't have been in the tournament in the first place, because honestly, 3-0 for Christian Wolfe and Machete being knocked out kind of makes me really sad. It's like one of those fighters in the UFC that you absolutely love.
00:52:45
Speaker
I don't know, like a Tony Ferguson or something, and they just keep coming back and you know losing or whatever. And it just kind of is is a little upsetting for sure. yeah And now I'm going to watch this movie because I still haven't seen it. It's kind of crazy to say that.
00:52:59
Speaker
i think i think we I think we got the right winner, though. I think we got the right winner because, let's face it, um Machete is borderline superhero. at At worst, he's cartoonish.
00:53:12
Speaker
And could he have beaten Dexter? Yeah, probably.
Conclusion: Who Wins the Matchup?
00:53:17
Speaker
Right. He can, he beats Dexter every time. It's probably a squash, but Wolf is one of the most well-trained guys for sure. The most well-trained and and most deadly, um, skilled, um, uh, assassin that we've had so far in the two weeks that we've done it.
00:53:34
Speaker
Um, but so, ah yeah, I think we have the right one. Jordan, I think you should ah describe a final ah battle between Machete and Christian Wolf and how Christian Wolf comes out the victor.
00:53:50
Speaker
Maybe there's some antics that Machete can get up to before he dies. So I feel like if these two were to meet, this would start off Machete is not even aware that Christian Wolf is around. And then in classic Christian Wolf fashion, he snipes him from a thousand miles away.
00:54:06
Speaker
Now, As we've seen before, he's going to shrug this off like it's absolutely nothing. So then these two are going to meet in some kind of an abandoned warehouse and we're and we're going to have some kind of an absolute shootout where Christian Wolf is about about trying to headshot machete. And then machete is also equally accurately throwing little knives right at Christian Wolf, turning in into some kind of a Mardi Gras voodoo doll full throwing knives.
00:54:31
Speaker
But when it comes down to it and these two meet in hand to hand combat, Wolf's out of ammo, Machete is out. When they're getting down to it, I think the level of training that Christian Wolf has in hand to hand combat is going to take over the brute force and the ferocity that Machete has.
00:54:47
Speaker
In the end, this one goes to Christian Wolf. Love it. I like it. I like it. I think we picked the right winner. Guys, we did it. Another one is in the books.
Episode Wrap-Up and Next Matchup Teaser
00:54:57
Speaker
Another one in the books. We'll wrap this one up.
00:55:00
Speaker
We right now we're gaining at this point when this is when this goes live, we will have been gaining probably thousands of of new listeners every episode. So welcome everyone. Follow us on Instagram, Twitter, X, Facebook, LinkedIn, Instagram,
00:55:18
Speaker
TikTok. Only fans. Only fans.
00:55:24
Speaker
All right, guys. Great job. We can't wait for the next week. And we'll announce, listen and and listen, I have to say this. Everybody, pay attention to our social media because we will announce um the next matchup on social media so that you guys can get pumped up and actually vote on who you think will win.