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Dating While Fat
39 Plays3 years ago
Savannah takes us through her weight loss journey while the queens discuss the implications of dating while fat.
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Transcript
00:00:06
Speaker
What's up, queens?
Introduction & Episode Overview
00:00:07
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:11
Speaker
I'm Ro.
00:00:12
Speaker
I'm Savannah.
00:00:14
Speaker
And I'm Lola.
00:00:15
Speaker
And this is going to be a really mean episode.
00:00:16
Speaker
No, I'm kidding.
00:00:18
Speaker
Yeah, we're about to get canceled again.
Challenges of Dating While Overweight
00:00:21
Speaker
Today we are going to be talking about weight, so specifically being overweight and dating and the issues and challenges that may come with that as well.
00:00:34
Speaker
So I'll be completely raw, open and honest for probably the first time on the podcast.
00:00:39
Speaker
and say, I've had bariatric surgery myself.
00:00:42
Speaker
I've had what's known as a SASE bypass, S-A-S-I.
00:00:46
Speaker
And that is a new form of gastric bypass surgery.
00:00:49
Speaker
That's basically the gastric sleeve with an added bypass as well.
00:00:54
Speaker
So the added benefit of that is that you sort of get the restriction of the sleeve and the malabsorption of the bypass.
Lola's Bariatric Surgery Journey
00:01:02
Speaker
So I've had that.
00:01:03
Speaker
And you were out for weeks now.
00:01:05
Speaker
Yeah, it was my first like major, major surgery.
00:01:08
Speaker
Like even though I was overweight for a lot of my life, I never been in hospital.
00:01:12
Speaker
Like the last time I was in hospital overnight was when I was born.
00:01:15
Speaker
And I never really went to the doctor.
00:01:17
Speaker
I never really like took any medication.
00:01:20
Speaker
But in the lead up to the surgery, I had to do a lot of that.
00:01:24
Speaker
And that was when I was like, yeah, shit, it's getting real.
00:01:27
Speaker
And I was out for weeks, as Rose said.
00:01:29
Speaker
The anesthesia just really, really, like, I think it was more the anesthetic that did me.
00:01:34
Speaker
And I wasn't in much pain from the surgery, even though it was a major surgery.
00:01:39
Speaker
It wasn't actually that painful, but it was just the recovery.
00:01:43
Speaker
And this is sort of why I would never probably have an operation again unless it was life or death.
00:01:48
Speaker
I just wouldn't like willingly put myself through that again.
00:01:52
Speaker
Even though I had a fantastic surgeon, the operation, it went really well.
00:01:56
Speaker
I've had great results from it, but it was, yeah, it took a lot, a lot out of me, I would say.
Stigma Surrounding Bariatric Surgery
00:02:04
Speaker
And it's interesting as well in that I might get trolled for this because I was debating with the other ladies if I should say this on the podcast because people might say, oh my gosh, you've had bariatric surgery.
00:02:13
Speaker
Ha ha ha, you're lazy.
00:02:14
Speaker
You took the easy way out.
00:02:15
Speaker
And it's like, well, firstly, like I feel very fortunate that I was in a position where I could afford to pay for something like bariatric surgery.
00:02:24
Speaker
I mean, to address a really long and enduring issue for me.
00:02:28
Speaker
I'll be real and say I've struggled with my weight ever since I was a child.
00:02:31
Speaker
And it's something I still struggle with to this day.
00:02:33
Speaker
Like people say that bariatric surgery is the easy way out in quotation marks.
00:02:37
Speaker
And it's like, you know, yes, it makes it physically easier because you can't eat as much, but the surgery only works on your stomach and your intestines if you get the bypass.
00:02:46
Speaker
it doesn't work on your brain so you still have the same cravings even now like I still if I go to like McDonald's I will still try and order what I used to be able to eat in one sitting and only have like two bites and I'm full so I'm currently wasting like tons and tons of food and even if it was the easy way out like you wouldn't say to somebody who wears glasses oh you should have learned braille because like you need to suffer because you have this illness or disability like
00:03:13
Speaker
If modern medicine can get you the same result, but with way less effort and way safer and faster, why wouldn't you take that option?
00:03:21
Speaker
Why would you do things the hard way when you can do it the easy way?
00:03:24
Speaker
Gosh.
Societal Views on Weight Loss and Surgery
00:03:25
Speaker
Exactly.
00:03:26
Speaker
I feel like society, it just fetishizes suffering because we believe in the just world idea that if I suffer, then, you know, my victory is going to be sweeter and it's going to mean more.
00:03:36
Speaker
And in general life, like relationships, that doesn't work as we often shout about on this podcast.
00:03:41
Speaker
But even in the terms, in the world of weight loss, like the more you diet and exercise, the harder it is for your body to lose weight and successfully keep it off.
00:03:51
Speaker
Like one of the reasons why I went for bariatric surgery was because I can lose weight, you know, fine.
00:03:57
Speaker
Like that's the easy, I guess, side of it or the more simple side.
00:04:01
Speaker
It's maintaining it.
00:04:02
Speaker
That's really hard.
00:04:03
Speaker
It's maintaining it.
00:04:04
Speaker
And bariatric surgery, the long-term outcomes are much better than people who've just done it with traditional diet and exercise.
00:04:11
Speaker
But when I was like shopping or looking into surgery, there was so much almost like hatred.
00:04:17
Speaker
towards people, even from within the obese community, that you took the easy way out.
00:04:21
Speaker
You didn't suffer as much as I did.
00:04:22
Speaker
So you're lazy or that, you know, you're not getting up like me to go to the gym at 6am.
00:04:27
Speaker
You're not having to wait out of food, even though you still have to do those things to make the most of surgery.
00:04:31
Speaker
And it was always the people I found that couldn't get bariatric surgery that had the most negative things to say about it, which was interesting.
00:04:39
Speaker
It's like the people that already paid off their student loans being like, no, we're not going to support student loan forgiveness because I already paid off my loans and I want you to suffer as much as I did kind of thing.
00:04:49
Speaker
It's like, chill.
Judgment from the Obesity Community
00:04:50
Speaker
And it's not even the same because the people that were saying it's a bad idea, they were still very overweight themselves.
00:04:54
Speaker
So it's like, I mean, obviously, bariatric surgery is not for everybody.
00:04:58
Speaker
Like, you have to...
00:04:59
Speaker
to really be committed to it.
00:05:01
Speaker
And even if you are, there are some people who's just not going to be a possibility for them for numerous reasons.
00:05:06
Speaker
But I just think if the whole goal of, you know, weight loss, whether you do it through diet and exercise, taping your jaw shut, bariatric surgery, whatever, if the
00:05:14
Speaker
end goal is that you lose weight and you're healthier it shouldn't matter how you get there as long as you do it in obviously a healthy and sustainable way but if you have bariatric surgery or do it by traditional diet and exercise the end result is still the same and a lot of people don't realize that it's still a major surgery and there is a possibility that you might not wake up as well
00:05:33
Speaker
I mean, you're not going to, for example, die if you cut 500 calories a day from your diet, from the diet alone, but ultimately it's still a major, major surgery.
00:05:40
Speaker
And there are, even outside of death, there are so many issues that can happen.
00:05:45
Speaker
So my surgeon, he was very transparent and open because he said that...
00:05:50
Speaker
The only surgeon that has a 0% complication rate is a surgeon who isn't a surgeon.
00:05:56
Speaker
So he's not doing any surgeries.
00:05:57
Speaker
Like every surgery comes with a risk that you might die.
00:06:00
Speaker
Something can get perforated.
00:06:02
Speaker
I actually developed an abdominal abscess due to the surgeon that had me in hospital for three weeks getting antibiotics via IV, which was quite serious.
00:06:11
Speaker
And I developed sepsis after it as well.
00:06:13
Speaker
You know, so it's serious, serious stuff.
Self-Image and Dating Standards
00:06:15
Speaker
So that's my little preamble about, and this is definitely not an advert for weight loss surgery.
00:06:20
Speaker
Like if you are considering it, great.
00:06:22
Speaker
If you're not, that's also great.
00:06:23
Speaker
But I just wanted to be transparent.
00:06:25
Speaker
And I think we get a lot of criticism as well on the podcast that we are all girls who don't know what it's like to be unattractive, unwanted, unloved, whatever.
00:06:33
Speaker
And I can say I've definitely been there.
00:06:36
Speaker
I've struggled a lot with my self-image.
00:06:38
Speaker
I still do.
00:06:39
Speaker
And we'll talk about some of those aspects of dating whilst fat in this episode.
00:06:45
Speaker
Okay, so moving on to the next part.
00:06:47
Speaker
So that dating whilst overweight.
00:06:49
Speaker
I've always said that if you are overweight or even if you deem yourself to be unconventionally attractive, I think your standards should be even higher than people who are deemed conventionally attractive.
00:07:02
Speaker
Purely because unfortunately you will attract
00:07:06
Speaker
attract might be the wrong word, but I'll use it.
00:07:08
Speaker
Attract a lot of people who just see you as an easy target and who don't believe that you should have any boundaries or standards whatsoever because you're overweight.
00:07:17
Speaker
And I'm here to tell you, say no to that.
00:07:19
Speaker
I even think it's perfectly valid if you are an overweight woman or even overweight man to not be attracted to, you know, whichever sex you're attracted to if they're overweight.
00:07:28
Speaker
I think that's totally valid because ultimately attraction isn't always...
00:07:33
Speaker
I mean, ultimately you're attracted to what you're attracted to.
00:07:35
Speaker
And I don't buy this idea that if you're an overweight woman, then you should only go for overweight men.
00:07:41
Speaker
Because as we said in one of the previous episodes, there are some, you know, men who are conventionally attractive, who are slim, who are muscular, who prefer women who are heavier or who don't mind if their woman is heavier as well.
00:07:52
Speaker
So you don't have to just like limit yourself to other people who are overweight just because you think that's all I can
Societal Pressures on Women's Weight
00:07:59
Speaker
get.
00:07:59
Speaker
Also, a lot of overweight men are extremely hostile to overweight women.
00:08:04
Speaker
And so even if you are overweight, like just save yourself the psychological trouble.
00:08:09
Speaker
Like there are men who think that overweight women are attractive.
00:08:12
Speaker
So why not just date men who already think you're attractive?
00:08:15
Speaker
Right.
00:08:15
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:08:16
Speaker
And I feel like the media and a lot of society sets it up so that women feel like they can't be with a guy who's not fat or a guy who's fit because there's so much shaming that goes on in person, but also online.
00:08:31
Speaker
When you see a woman who's overweight with the guy and even women who weren't overweight previously, but maybe had a baby and gained weight, they're always doing like the weight loss watch or like the snapback watch, trying to make sure these women...
00:08:43
Speaker
are trying to see how quickly these women are able to lose the weight so that they're quote unquote still worthy of the guy that they're dating, which is really, really toxic and is perpetuated a lot by like celebrity culture.
00:08:54
Speaker
The idea that like every woman just after she has a baby, she doesn't snap back immediately is somehow like letting down her significant other.
00:09:03
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:09:04
Speaker
And again, a lot of these celebrities who supposedly snap back, a lot of them, that's why you don't see them during their pregnancy or like for months after.
00:09:13
Speaker
A lot of them get gastric bypasses and sleeves to lose it, you know, to help them shift the weight as well.
00:09:19
Speaker
They have access to all sorts of, I don't know, I guess like help to help them to lose the weight as well.
00:09:24
Speaker
So yeah, I completely agree with that.
00:09:26
Speaker
Liposuction.
00:09:27
Speaker
There's like the mommy makeover that a lot of them get, which is like lipo and all this other stuff.
00:09:32
Speaker
And that particular narrative is just, yeah, it's just so damaging and harmful as well.
00:09:38
Speaker
But I do believe as well, but if you are fat and you are looking to date, it's just so important for that reason to work on your body image.
00:09:48
Speaker
I know it is a lot easier said than done because the way society treats fat people is quite frankly horrific.
00:09:55
Speaker
Especially fat women.
00:09:57
Speaker
I feel like fat men don't get enough criticism.
00:10:00
Speaker
Fat men.
00:10:01
Speaker
Really?
00:10:03
Speaker
But fat women, so I was just telling the ladies beforehand that the number one candidate for bariatric surgery is a woman who has a BMI of 40s.
00:10:12
Speaker
That's about 100 pounds overweight.
00:10:13
Speaker
So if you think about it, just in a similar vein to how the plastic surgery works,
00:10:18
Speaker
industry is primarily marketed towards women it's the same with something like weight loss surgery as well women are more likely to have it done than men which just goes to show that you know the way in which society treats fat women if they are i guess willing to resort to such a drastic measure to lose weight and a bmi of 40 i'm not saying it's like super slim but it's also not like it's not death fat sorry
00:10:46
Speaker
Where are we going there now?
00:10:47
Speaker
It's not super obese either.
00:10:49
Speaker
It's not super obese either.
00:10:51
Speaker
So I think I just thought that was quite interesting.
00:10:54
Speaker
You can see the difference between the way that men and women are treated when they become overweight in the media as well.
00:11:01
Speaker
When men become overweight, they call it a dad bod and say, look at him.
00:11:05
Speaker
He's such a like devoted doting father.
00:11:07
Speaker
Even if he has no kids, even if he has no kids, they get a dad bod.
00:11:11
Speaker
I see men who were 21 saying, I've got a dad bod.
00:11:14
Speaker
I was like, you don't have kids.
00:11:15
Speaker
But even if they have kids, they always like make it seem like the extra weight is a feature of them being an involved parent, whether or not that's true.
00:11:23
Speaker
Right.
Media's Treatment of Weight Issues
00:11:24
Speaker
Or like, oh, he's like such an involved parent.
00:11:26
Speaker
But like for women, it's never it's always like she let herself go.
00:11:29
Speaker
She's stressed out.
00:11:30
Speaker
Oh, she's fat.
00:11:31
Speaker
Yeah, she's fat versus like a lot of women who are, let's be real, doing most of the caretaking anyways, and also had to push out the kid.
00:11:39
Speaker
They have a lot more of an excuse to put on a little bit of weight because of the fact that, yes, they're going to be spending a lot more time caretaking children, as well as like dealing with the hormonal and physical fluctuations of post-pregnancy.
00:11:50
Speaker
But like the men just get fat for no reason.
00:11:52
Speaker
They're just like lazy.
00:11:53
Speaker
It doesn't really make sense that the narrative is always like, look how cute this dad bod is for this guy.
00:11:59
Speaker
And then People Magazine are right.
00:12:00
Speaker
He's such a devoted dad right now.
00:12:02
Speaker
He doesn't have time to be in the gym.
00:12:04
Speaker
But then when it comes to women, it's like, when is she going to lose the weight?
00:12:07
Speaker
And then it's like, they'll show a close-up of their partner.
00:12:09
Speaker
They'll show a close-up of the partner saying like, oh, he's threatening to leave if she doesn't lose the weight, whether or not that's true or not.
00:12:16
Speaker
That kind of thing is just covert media sex or actually even covert, overt media sexism.
00:12:22
Speaker
Like, do you remember in, like, 2009 when Jessica Simpson wore, like, high-waisted jeans and everyone, like, fucking destroyed her?
00:12:28
Speaker
And she, like, disappeared from the public for six months after that because of the body shaving was so severe?
00:12:33
Speaker
She was a size four at the time, okay?
00:12:35
Speaker
She wasn't even that overweight.
00:12:37
Speaker
She wasn't overweight, actually.
00:12:38
Speaker
She was actually a completely, like, average, normal-looking woman.
00:12:41
Speaker
You know, the captions and the bullying that she got was so extreme, right?
00:12:45
Speaker
Whereas, like, people like Seth Rogen are allowed to have a career...
00:12:49
Speaker
So it's like, what the fuck?
00:12:50
Speaker
Like, you know, there's huge double standards in media.
00:12:53
Speaker
You know, people think I'm a horrible person and that I have double standards because I'm like nice to fat women, but mean to fat men.
00:12:59
Speaker
And it's like somebody's got to be there to out there balance score.
00:13:02
Speaker
Okay.
Body Image and Role Models
00:13:03
Speaker
There's like a unequal balance sheet here.
00:13:05
Speaker
We got to even those numbers, right?
00:13:07
Speaker
Got to get those.
00:13:08
Speaker
We got to increase the cyberbullying for men and decrease the cyberbullying for women.
00:13:12
Speaker
That's equality, bitch.
00:13:14
Speaker
To be honest, like the most famous fat, positive man is Jared from Subway.
00:13:17
Speaker
And he turned out to be a pedophile.
00:13:20
Speaker
Oh, yeah.
00:13:21
Speaker
I don't know if there's any positive fat role models that like every time we try to make one for men in the media, it's just I don't know what my point was.
00:13:29
Speaker
Doesn't turn out well.
00:13:30
Speaker
Yeah, it doesn't turn out loud.
00:13:32
Speaker
I just wanted to say that.
00:13:33
Speaker
I don't know what my point was about that.
00:13:35
Speaker
I just wanted to say that out loud, that like all the men's fat positive role models.
00:13:40
Speaker
There's something wrong with them.
00:13:42
Speaker
Actually, I guess he wasn't even fat positive because he lost the weight, huh?
00:13:44
Speaker
Yeah, he's not really a fat positive role model, I guess, because he lost the weight.
00:13:49
Speaker
Eating Subway is not the most health...
00:13:51
Speaker
I mean, going back to my point about body image is that I used to not really buy into the whole fat phobia idea because I thought it was a term, you know, coined by fat activists who were trying to shut down, you know, discussions around the health implications of being overweight.
00:14:07
Speaker
yeah I'm not going to get too much on my soapbox here but there can be health implications of being overweight and that is important to discuss however the reason why I say you know fat phobia is a thing is that society makes it so that especially if you're a woman that being fat is the worst thing that a woman can be when that's
00:14:27
Speaker
Absolutely not true.
00:14:28
Speaker
And so, yeah, trying to build a positive body image, you know, when you're overweight, it can be really, really tough.
00:14:35
Speaker
And especially if you aren't even overweight, but you're bigger than your peers.
00:14:40
Speaker
Like this happened to me in school where I was, I was like a size 10, a UK size 10, which was really small.
00:14:45
Speaker
But all of my peers, they were like a size 10.
00:14:49
Speaker
I guess like a four to six.
00:14:50
Speaker
And I remember just having like severe body dysmorphia, even at a UK size 10, I was constantly on like a liquid diet, like the Cambridge diet, because I just wanted to lose more weight to be smaller.
00:15:01
Speaker
And so that can set in as well.
00:15:02
Speaker
And it was weird in the sense that I guess for me, even though Instagram has sort of gone downhill over the years, I think,
00:15:09
Speaker
about my saving grace to some extent was actually Instagram and being able to follow women who had a similar body type to me, who carried the weight in the same places.
Body Positivity and Dressing Well
00:15:20
Speaker
And I think that was extremely positive for me personally.
00:15:24
Speaker
And also not trying to wear clothes that a slimmer woman would wear because it just wouldn't work.
00:15:31
Speaker
And I see sometimes a discourse in places where women are overweight is
00:15:35
Speaker
is that, you know, why can't I wear what a slim woman wears?
00:15:37
Speaker
I'm just like, because it won't always look nice.
00:15:40
Speaker
In a similar vein to, there are some things that a woman who has perhaps a smaller chest, she wouldn't be able to get away with, you know, wearing a particular, you know, top or a dress in the same way as a woman, in the same way as a woman with a bigger chest would, if you see what I mean.
00:15:56
Speaker
It's like, oh, I'm a size eight for my shoes.
00:15:59
Speaker
Why can't I wear the shoes that the size four women wear or some shit?
00:16:03
Speaker
I don't know.
00:16:03
Speaker
Or like, that's like children's size, actually.
00:16:05
Speaker
So like, yeah, I'm like, I'm adult woman.
00:16:07
Speaker
Why can't I wear children's shoes?
00:16:08
Speaker
It's like, it's just not your size.
00:16:11
Speaker
Like, it's just not going to fit.
00:16:12
Speaker
Like, it's not going to look good.
00:16:14
Speaker
And even if it is your size, so even if they say if they scaled up the dress...
00:16:19
Speaker
for women who are a size four to fit women who are a size 18, for example, it's things like the cut, it's things like where it sits.
00:16:27
Speaker
It may not be the same because it's being worn on a bigger body and that's okay.
00:16:31
Speaker
I think that especially plus size fashion, it's like come a really, really long way.
00:16:36
Speaker
I'd say within the past 10 years, really, because before all you could get was like the floral patterns and black and white, but they're really diversifying now, which makes it easier to find clothes that make you feel good and that fit you as well.
00:16:49
Speaker
And that's also like another thing as well is that we see a lot of people or like I came across a lot of women who were saying, I'm not going to wear this until I've lost X amount of weight, which is fine.
00:16:59
Speaker
If, you know, looking a certain way or fitting into a certain aesthetic is a weight loss goal for you, that's absolutely fine.
00:17:05
Speaker
But that doesn't mean that you can't dress well for your body as it is at the moment.
00:17:11
Speaker
And it doesn't mean that you can't look nice as well.
00:17:13
Speaker
So yeah, that was just my brief spiel about body image.
00:17:18
Speaker
I think that's interesting because that's something I never, I didn't think about because I remember the only, growing up, the only like alternative store for overweight people was like Lane Bryant or Torrid.
00:17:29
Speaker
Torrid's expensive.
00:17:30
Speaker
Even now, like I look at the price, I'm just like, if you're in the US, I don't know where you get, you plus ladies get your clothes on because Torrid seems really expensive, like super expensive.
00:17:40
Speaker
I mean, I'm lucky that, you know, I can use things like ASOS, Pretty Little Thing, and be kitted out nicely.
00:17:46
Speaker
But I don't know about the US.
00:17:49
Speaker
Like, Tori just seems like, and Fashion Nova seems like a lot of money as well.
00:17:52
Speaker
I mean, I don't know how they price it here in the States versus how they price it in the UK.
00:17:57
Speaker
It's the same because we don't really have it in, if you want Fashion Nova here, you ship it from there.
00:18:01
Speaker
So you pay the same price, pretty much.
00:18:03
Speaker
Honestly, most of their stuff just looks like Express, but for made for plus size people.
00:18:08
Speaker
So it's like, it's about the same price as that kind of stuff without the discount.
00:18:13
Speaker
I'm looking at this like a shirt dress is about 60 bucks.
00:18:16
Speaker
That's about right.
00:18:17
Speaker
So that seems like a lot for the UK, but the US that's about standard for like semi-professional or semi-business casual fast fashion.
00:18:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:25
Speaker
Cause that's about how much it would be on like the Express or Taylor websites.
00:18:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:18:29
Speaker
Because in the UK you can get that same dress for like 20 to 30 quid tops.
00:18:34
Speaker
That's wild.
00:18:35
Speaker
But well, I hope anyway that plus size fashion becomes more accessible for my ladies in the US, basically.
Plus-Size Fashion Accessibility
00:18:42
Speaker
Financially accessible as well.
00:18:44
Speaker
I think in the States, don't they mostly just like go to Walmart, get like the quadruple X like...
00:18:50
Speaker
I don't know, beige.
00:18:51
Speaker
Like the plus size fashion is not good.
00:18:54
Speaker
It's like a floral print, like burlap sack that they just, you know, to obscure their nudity.
00:19:01
Speaker
I mean, there's so many options now for plus size people in the States as far as clothing.
00:19:06
Speaker
I mean, the clothes I'm looking at these, they actually don't look that much more expensive than what it would be in a standard size store, at least not in the States.
00:19:14
Speaker
So maybe it's like more of a premium in the UK.
00:19:16
Speaker
And then, I mean, yeah, for working class people,
00:19:19
Speaker
I remember when like people of Walmart was a really popular website and blog and it was just pictures of like, it was generally like overweight or people are dressed pretty crazy at Walmart.
00:19:28
Speaker
But yeah, that's mostly for like working class people who probably wear a uniform and work and then dress casual at home.
00:19:33
Speaker
But for people that have professional jobs that larger size than they would shop it toward Lane Bryant, et cetera.
00:19:39
Speaker
But yeah, that's also my tip as well.
00:19:41
Speaker
And I think Instagram, at least for me, it was a great way to find the styles that would work for me as well.
00:19:48
Speaker
And if I like a lot of plus size influences are actually really approachable and friendly.
00:19:53
Speaker
So if I saw something I liked on them, I'd be like, where'd you get it from?
00:19:55
Speaker
And they'd happily tell me that I'd go and buy it.
00:19:59
Speaker
So that's quite, I suppose that's quite a nice thing to have too.
00:20:02
Speaker
And I guess on the topic of, you know, dating whilst overweight, you also, I think if you want to keep your sanity, so to speak, you have to get to a point where you are not concerned if your weight is a barrier to a man liking you.
Confidence in Dating and Rejection
00:20:17
Speaker
i.e.
00:20:17
Speaker
that you don't automatically assume or think that a man is rejecting you because you're fat.
00:20:23
Speaker
Like, in some cases that might be the case, but in other cases it's not.
00:20:27
Speaker
And I feel like within the community there is such risk because, you know, people that are so conscious about their weight, which is understandable, they just assume that every rejection is because of their weight.
00:20:37
Speaker
And that's not always the case.
00:20:39
Speaker
you know, people who are slim, conventionally attractive, they still get rejected by men as well.
00:20:44
Speaker
And you sort of, you know, your weight is, I guess, a part of you.
00:20:48
Speaker
And I guess if you just keep on thinking, they're not going to like me because I'm fat, or they rejected me because I'm fat, you will quickly burn out in the dating world.
00:20:56
Speaker
You sort of have to get yourself to a point where you just present yourself authentically.
00:21:01
Speaker
And if it doesn't work out, you're just able to say, okay, that didn't work out onto the next sort of thing.
00:21:06
Speaker
Because like Lilith and I have said, there are plenty of men who will either prefer bigger women or who won't mind if you're bigger.
00:21:12
Speaker
Like, you know, not every guy is like, I'm not going to date because you're fat.
00:21:16
Speaker
Can we talk about those guys though, actually?
00:21:18
Speaker
It's like, some of them are sketchy though.
00:21:20
Speaker
Even the guys that are into overweight women, like... Yeah, some of them can be.
00:21:24
Speaker
That's a good point, actually.
00:21:26
Speaker
That's actually reminded me of something in that when I was going through the process of getting bariatric surgery, one of the things that they said was
Impact of Weight Loss on Relationships
00:21:34
Speaker
that...
00:21:34
Speaker
careful about guys with feeder fetishes.
00:21:37
Speaker
Yeah, that.
00:21:38
Speaker
And also that the divorce and relationship breakdown rate after bariatric surgery is really, really high, much higher than the general population.
00:21:46
Speaker
And that tends to be because when the person is losing weight, the non-losing partner, they might feel threatened or the losing partner might realize that their partner was a barrier to them losing weight.
00:21:58
Speaker
So I saw it a lot of times in the forums I was in where a woman wanted to get bariatric
00:22:03
Speaker
surgery, but her husband was actively against it.
00:22:05
Speaker
The official reason in quotation marks was, oh, we can't afford it.
00:22:09
Speaker
Oh, it's dangerous.
00:22:10
Speaker
But I definitely believe in some of those cases, the husband just didn't want the wife to be slim because he would feel threatened.
00:22:17
Speaker
I've dated some of these guys where they specifically wanted to fatten me up.
00:22:21
Speaker
And like, it's complicated because like on the one hand, I love like when guys buy me food, right?
00:22:26
Speaker
Have I said, have I talked about this?
00:22:27
Speaker
How like, yeah, when a guy like buys me food, it's like in my brain, it's like Neanderthal brain being like,
00:22:32
Speaker
yeah, he's going to go like hunt me a deer or something.
00:22:35
Speaker
I don't know.
00:22:35
Speaker
It's just like kind of sexy.
00:22:36
Speaker
Like I like when a guy buys me food, right?
00:22:38
Speaker
You know, I'm not financially reliant on a man, but when a guy buys me food, it turns me on.
00:22:42
Speaker
Like, but I don't like the guys that take it too far.
00:22:46
Speaker
Right.
00:22:46
Speaker
Some of them are just like, they take it too far.
00:22:48
Speaker
It's like, if I say place any kind of limitations or boundaries, like, oh, let's try to get something healthier or whatever.
00:22:53
Speaker
They'll like give me a face.
00:22:54
Speaker
Or, you know, if I try to be healthy, they try to sabotage that or
00:22:57
Speaker
You know, like, it just feels like, yeah, it's a fetish, like, a feeder fetish.
00:23:01
Speaker
They want me to be so fat that I can't even move.
00:23:04
Speaker
And it's like, I'm not going to let this scrote win.
00:23:06
Speaker
Like, no.
00:23:07
Speaker
And that's actually, like, you see that on shows that My 600-lb Life as well, where it's clear that the non-losing partner has a vested interest in making sure that their partner remains... Essentially disabled, like, and reliant on them.
00:23:21
Speaker
Extremely obese, yeah.
00:23:22
Speaker
And that's really, really dangerous and quite sad, actually.
00:23:25
Speaker
Like, low-key abusive, honestly.
00:23:27
Speaker
And it isn't even just your partners as well, is that when you begin a weight loss journey, you find that even your friends and family, they can be unknown saboteurs.
00:23:36
Speaker
So a common one is, oh, just a single bite won't hurt.
00:23:40
Speaker
Or I've made you all this food and it's just like, I can't really eat a lot.
00:23:44
Speaker
And you know this.
00:23:44
Speaker
So it's like, so yeah, you do find that as well, unfortunately.
00:23:48
Speaker
This episode is brought to you by our sponsors, Athletic Greens.
00:23:51
Speaker
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Speaker
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Promotions and Health Supplements
00:24:33
Speaker
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Speaker
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00:24:42
Speaker
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00:24:45
Speaker
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00:24:54
Speaker
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00:24:54
Speaker
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00:24:58
Speaker
Again, that's athleticgreens.com forward slash FDS to take ownership over your health and pick up the ultimate daily nutritional insurance.
00:25:07
Speaker
So another angle I don't know that we've explored is that a lot of men who are quote down on their luck will use overweight women as a way for them to get back on their feet.
Economic Dynamics in Dating and Weight
00:25:19
Speaker
It's actually such a huge phenomenon that it's actually a meme in a lot of circles, especially among like formerly incarcerated, formerly incarcerated men and like specifically fat white women.
00:25:30
Speaker
Like, and they've explicitly said that a lot of times they try to befriend like fat women while they're on the inside so that they have a place to stay when they get out because these women are basically low self-esteem, low self-esteem.
00:25:42
Speaker
Right.
00:25:42
Speaker
That's another reason to increase your self-esteem because then you'll fall prey to these fucking predators.
00:25:47
Speaker
Like, God.
00:25:48
Speaker
And it's so true, like, that there's a really popular, I'm not going to say the name, but there's a really popular YouTube channel that has the exact dynamic that Ro just described.
00:25:57
Speaker
So what kind of, but who is it?
00:25:59
Speaker
I think it's called Life by Jen.
00:26:01
Speaker
And Foodie Beauty, the Canadian, also did one as well.
00:26:04
Speaker
Foodie Beauty is hilarious.
00:26:05
Speaker
Her voice reminds me of you, Lilith, because she's Canadian.
00:26:07
Speaker
So Foodie Beauty was in a relationship, quotation marks, with this African immigrant.
00:26:12
Speaker
And she always used to do mukbangs.
00:26:13
Speaker
And he always used to look like he didn't want to be there.
00:26:15
Speaker
And they split up a while ago.
00:26:17
Speaker
And Life by Jen, she is a super mobile Libby.
00:26:20
Speaker
So she's like well over 500 pounds.
00:26:22
Speaker
And she's with this ex-criminal who, I think he's a recovering alcoholic.
00:26:27
Speaker
And they just have a YouTube channel where they document their relationship.
00:26:30
Speaker
And I just think it's exactly like the dynamic that Roe described.
00:26:33
Speaker
Yeah, so then if you start to lose weight in that type of dynamic, then the guy looks at his gravy train drying up, right?
00:26:40
Speaker
So that's why they're going to try to keep you fat.
00:26:42
Speaker
I mean, literally, yeah.
00:26:44
Speaker
Literal gravy train.
00:26:45
Speaker
His gravy waterfall is drying up.
00:26:49
Speaker
The type of men that deliberately seek out overweight women are generally looking for women that they can be dependent on.
00:26:55
Speaker
I mean, they know this.
00:26:56
Speaker
And in fact, I've heard this out of men's mouths that they think that overweight women will like obviously cook for them, take care of them.
00:27:02
Speaker
They won't demand much and they'll let them stay in their house when they don't have...
00:27:05
Speaker
especially for former inmates who can't necessarily get a apartment.
00:27:09
Speaker
A lot of them, if you have a felony conviction, it's hard to get an apartment and a bunch of other services.
00:27:14
Speaker
Like they know all I got to do is find a fat woman and then she'll take care of all that stuff for me.
00:27:19
Speaker
So like fat women are like their lifestyle security plan.
00:27:22
Speaker
Well, not just that, but also like the ones with the feeder fetish.
00:27:25
Speaker
It's like what you're describing is where the man is dependent on the woman.
00:27:29
Speaker
But what I've seen or what I've experienced or like men attempting to experience with me is like where they want me to be dependent on them.
00:27:36
Speaker
Like they don't like the attention that I get from other guys.
00:27:38
Speaker
They want me to be fat so that I'm not getting as much attention or that I'm like, I don't know.
00:27:43
Speaker
Some guys have this like idea like, oh, if like my girlfriend is too pretty, then she's going to like leave me or whatever.
00:27:49
Speaker
I don't know.
00:27:49
Speaker
They just like the idea of like me being reliant on them and not just like physically, but like emotionally as well.
00:27:56
Speaker
Like they want like, you know, oh, my girlfriend, like, you know, loves me and like, wouldn't even look at another guy.
00:28:01
Speaker
And like, how do I say this?
00:28:02
Speaker
Like they want the idea of like me not being able to get with another guy and like me being solely like emotionally reliant on them.
00:28:09
Speaker
And it's kind of messed up.
00:28:10
Speaker
The guys that are into overweight women for nefarious reasons, ladies avoid them.
00:28:14
Speaker
But if it's just a preference, then that's not so bad.
00:28:17
Speaker
And sometimes it's not even a preference.
00:28:18
Speaker
They just don't really mind it in the sense that it might not be their first choice aesthetically, but as they get to know you, I don't know, they might just, you know, see you as a whole person.
00:28:29
Speaker
Maybe.
00:28:30
Speaker
I don't know.
00:28:30
Speaker
I think with men, it's like looks first, personality second.
00:28:33
Speaker
Yeah, I think men tend to like be into it or not.
00:28:36
Speaker
Yeah, they're into it or not.
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:37
Speaker
One or the other.
00:28:38
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:39
Speaker
Because especially with like, I think in general, the guys that are into fat women, I think most men are actually much more flexible when it comes to weight than society lets on and that then policing women's weight.
00:28:50
Speaker
That's what I was trying to say.
00:28:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:28:52
Speaker
Yeah, like women, the extent that they're trying to police women's way and like create a political issue is because they're just trying to force women's sexual compliance.
00:29:00
Speaker
And it's not to say that like every man prefers, every man doesn't have a preference or a preference for women who...
00:29:08
Speaker
It's not to say that a lot of men don't have a preference either way, but it's just that I don't think that in real life, men are as strict about weight requirements as they would have you think based on like the perpetually online weirdos who never actually get women in life and just spend all time screeching about having to look at overweight women.
00:29:25
Speaker
And you sort of know this when a guy says, I don't want to date a woman over 150 pounds, or as actually most women that they come across are over 150 pounds.
00:29:35
Speaker
They just don't look it.
00:29:36
Speaker
It's the same.
00:29:37
Speaker
Even now there was a TikTok that I saw of women who were over 200 pounds and just looking at them, you would never guess.
00:29:43
Speaker
You would maybe guess they were about 70 pounds lighter.
00:29:45
Speaker
So like weight isn't just a number.
00:29:48
Speaker
It's also about like distribution, you know, muscle to fat ratio.
00:29:52
Speaker
And I will say that if you're sort of, you know, like myself, where I have a smaller waist, I carry it quite evenly.
00:29:58
Speaker
It goes to my boobs and my bum.
00:29:59
Speaker
You are at an advantage as a woman over if you're like apple shaped and you carry it all in your stomach, because there are people who weigh less than me, who look heavier than me for that reason.
00:30:10
Speaker
And I'm above average in height as well.
00:30:12
Speaker
I mean, so there's just so many variables as opposed to just a number, if that makes sense.
00:30:17
Speaker
A lot of it to me has to do with lifestyle
Physical Health and Mobility Importance
00:30:20
Speaker
as well.
00:30:20
Speaker
And there's a difference between a person who's like overweight, but otherwise there's no type of physical limitations caused by their obesity.
00:30:29
Speaker
And then there's people that are so obese that they become like...
00:30:32
Speaker
you know, like you can't go anywhere because they can't like keep up with everybody else in the group.
00:30:37
Speaker
People that are actually like physically debilitated because of their weight.
00:30:40
Speaker
And sometimes they can be the exact same size, but one person maybe has like more muscle tone, the exact same weight at least.
00:30:45
Speaker
Like, but one person has more muscle tone and they just like carry their distribution a different way and such that like, it's not actually a big deal that they weigh more versus like sometimes people who are like, they're just not fit in any type of capacity, which might be a hindrance to people hanging out with them, including...
00:31:02
Speaker
someone they're potentially dating.
00:31:03
Speaker
I did find that a lot as well when I was bigger.
00:31:05
Speaker
Like when I used to go to like the gym for like a class, like the instructors would just like be like, I guess like mansplaining.
00:31:13
Speaker
It was always men.
00:31:14
Speaker
It was never women instructed, but they'll be like mansplaining to me, like how to do a squat.
00:31:18
Speaker
And then when they were like, okay, that go do your squat now, I would do it and I'd go like lower than them.
00:31:23
Speaker
And my technique would be much better.
00:31:24
Speaker
And they were like, wow, your hip mobility is really good.
00:31:27
Speaker
And I was like, yeah.
00:31:28
Speaker
So they would just assume that, oh yeah, the fatty can't squat.
00:31:32
Speaker
Have you seen Jack Black doing a squat?
00:31:34
Speaker
Like, I saw a video of Jack Black exercising recently, and I was like, damn, this guy's, like, a very portly man, but he's got a filthy deep squat for a guy that size.
00:31:43
Speaker
Like, honestly, good for him.
00:31:45
Speaker
But people would just be so shocked.
00:31:47
Speaker
His dancing is just amazing, actually.
00:31:50
Speaker
It's actually funny.
00:31:51
Speaker
But he's an example of a person who's obese, but also extremely mobile, extremely athletic in some respects.
00:31:57
Speaker
So that anybody hanging out with him, it's not like, okay, we can't go anywhere or we can't do anything because this person's not going to have the energy to do it.
00:32:04
Speaker
I think a lot of the aversion sometimes to dating overweight people is not even necessarily the aesthetic.
00:32:10
Speaker
Some people, once again, like the overweight, but like thicker people.
00:32:14
Speaker
It's just a matter of like, okay, is this person going to be able to keep up with me?
00:32:17
Speaker
Yeah, like there are some overweight people that are like secretly really strong, especially women.
00:32:21
Speaker
Like I was like this.
00:32:22
Speaker
I mean, I was like when I was like 40 pounds heavier, you know, people just thought I was like a normal, like slightly chubby girl.
00:32:28
Speaker
But actually, I've been like weightlifting for like 10 years.
00:32:31
Speaker
And so I'm like underneath that I'm actually like crazy strong.
00:32:34
Speaker
And so there's so many times where like, yeah, people just don't assume that I could lift something or don't assume that I couldn't do something.
00:32:40
Speaker
And I just like did it.
00:32:41
Speaker
And it's like, yeah.
00:32:41
Speaker
Yeah, you know, you always underestimate the slightly chubby girls, but, you know, we're secretly... Like, honestly, like, just when you look at, like, the overweight people who still walk everywhere and still go places and stuff, you know, they're not in, like, a wheelchair or anything like that.
00:32:55
Speaker
Those people are often, like, crazy strong.
00:32:57
Speaker
Because imagine, like, just having to carry around all that extra weight.
00:33:01
Speaker
Like, you're actually making your muscles underneath way stronger.
00:33:04
Speaker
Like, just every step you take is a farmer's walk.
00:33:06
Speaker
literally.
00:33:07
Speaker
So that's like more exercise.
00:33:09
Speaker
It's like resistance, just going for a walk is resistance training, right?
00:33:12
Speaker
They're a lot stronger than anything, you know, honestly good for them.
00:33:15
Speaker
I kind of respect that actually.
00:33:17
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:33:18
Speaker
So, I mean, so that was just talking about dating whilst overweight.
00:33:22
Speaker
And, you know, unfortunately, if you are overweight, you are going to get shitty people.
00:33:26
Speaker
Online dating may not be your best friend for this reason.
00:33:29
Speaker
And it just, you know, might be more fruitful to meet people offline.
00:33:34
Speaker
I found that people can be really friendly in gyms.
00:33:37
Speaker
I used to think I'd be judged when I went to a gym, but actually when I found the right gyms to go to, they were honestly like the best people.
00:33:44
Speaker
They were like my biggest cheerleaders.
00:33:46
Speaker
And they really shifted my focus from exercising to lose weight and exercising to feel better and for performance.
00:33:53
Speaker
And I think that the latter is more, is a healthier mindset to have because realistically, everything
00:33:58
Speaker
exercise, especially if you're weightlifting, it doesn't burn as many calories as you think.
00:34:02
Speaker
And if you don't get the numbers correct, so to speak, you can end up really fucking yourself over.
00:34:08
Speaker
If you are exercising in the gym, think that you burned 600 calories and it was 200 and then you eat those calories back.
00:34:14
Speaker
But what I would, or like what my personal trainers or the people around the gym would be doing was what they would be focusing on instead of weight loss was performance.
00:34:24
Speaker
So increasing your, the amount you can deadlift or the amount you can squat or the distance you can run.
00:34:30
Speaker
And that's a lot more fun than just trying to, I guess, exercise your way into being slim because it's just not going to work.
00:34:37
Speaker
Yeah, I think physical mobility, regardless of your weight, is something that is so, so, so important for your long-term health as well as your ability to feel good about yourself.
00:34:48
Speaker
Part of it, I actually gained, I was actually the biggest I've ever been because I got COVID and I couldn't taste or smell anything.
00:34:56
Speaker
And then when I was able to taste and smell everything, the only thing that tasted good was breads and starches because anything organic, like meats, food,
00:35:05
Speaker
fruits, vegetables tasted like rotting garbage in my mouth and would make me want to throw up.
00:35:09
Speaker
So I was eating really terribly and then unable to work out on top of it because the COVID recovery actually took me months.
Personal Experiences with Weight Changes
00:35:16
Speaker
I've read that it's because of like blood clots and everything that can happen when you get COVID.
00:35:19
Speaker
I would get randomly fatigued.
00:35:21
Speaker
I couldn't run as fast as I used to prior to catching COVID.
00:35:26
Speaker
I couldn't...
00:35:27
Speaker
exercise for as long.
00:35:28
Speaker
And like, sometimes it was actually a struggle to just get out of bed for long periods of time that I'd be like standing at my sink and just like suddenly be completely out of breath.
00:35:35
Speaker
Like I just ran an, you know, an hour.
00:35:37
Speaker
So I was experiencing like a lot of post COVID symptoms for months and months and months.
00:35:41
Speaker
And so because of that, like I gained like a lot of weight.
00:35:44
Speaker
And then the thing about gaining weight in that capacity, especially if you're like physically debilitated, like the physical debilitation of that was like so much more depressing to me than the actual fat.
00:35:54
Speaker
Like just being unable to like physically move myself and like not having the same kind of mobility because then you're like, you don't want to go anywhere, right?
00:36:02
Speaker
You're like, you're feeling like more and more like depressed.
00:36:04
Speaker
You're feeling more and more like isolated and you're feeling more and more like, okay, I don't even want to engage with people because I know I don't even have the energy to sustain it.
00:36:13
Speaker
So I'm like, if this is like where you're at in your fitness journey, regardless of like where you are as far as your weight, I feel like just investing in trying to little by little, like really increase your mobility, whether or not you focus on weight loss, like it just makes your quality of life so much better because you don't feel, yeah.
00:36:30
Speaker
So I don't want to like always parrot like the weight loss, you know, healthy weight at every size.
00:36:34
Speaker
Cause we know that like, obviously like a lot of excess body fat is bad for you.
00:36:37
Speaker
But like, I think the messaging should be somewhere around the idea that like, yes, like if you're overweight, but like still mobile, you can still have a really, really good quality of life.
00:36:45
Speaker
Right.
00:36:46
Speaker
And that like focusing on like fitness, even if you're overweight, focusing on something to make sure that you're able to just like participate is worth investing in and worth talking about.
00:36:55
Speaker
Even if like you never get to be like a size, you know, two or four.
00:36:59
Speaker
And that was one of the biggest, or that was one of the first changes that I saw after my weight loss surgeries that it was just so much easier to move around, like even to walk, even to do a spin class.
00:37:11
Speaker
Like I just couldn't believe just how much easier it was.
00:37:14
Speaker
And it also made me realize how people, you know, get to like 600 pounds in the sense that
00:37:20
Speaker
People who are bigger, they will burn more calories doing any activity because they are carrying more weight around.
00:37:26
Speaker
But because like Rose said, the weight eventually it gets to a point where it becomes painful to move around.
00:37:32
Speaker
It becomes more difficult.
00:37:34
Speaker
It just becomes more tired.
00:37:35
Speaker
You do less of it.
00:37:36
Speaker
And then if your calories are even remaining the same, that's how your weight starts to creep up.
00:37:40
Speaker
So that was definitely one of the first things I noticed that my flexibility improved.
00:37:44
Speaker
My stamina and endurance improved as well just by carrying around less weight.
00:37:50
Speaker
And that was really cool.
00:37:50
Speaker
So even before I saw like the physical changes, that was one of the, as in like in the mirror changes, that was one of the first physical changes that I noticed was that, you know, wow, I walked five miles and I'm not out of breath sort of thing.
00:38:02
Speaker
Yeah, you feel like you get your life back.
00:38:04
Speaker
And I mean, new research as far as like how COVID is affecting people long-term is coming out like every week practically.
00:38:10
Speaker
But there was like a time where I know I was questioning myself, like, am I ever going to be the same person physically or mentally?
00:38:16
Speaker
Because between the virus and then like the after effects of like trying to, you're basically in like slow rehab, right?
00:38:22
Speaker
Like trying to like get yourself to a point where you can just do like everyday activities.
00:38:26
Speaker
I think it's just important to like focus, you know,
00:38:28
Speaker
yourself on the idea that taking care of your health, regardless of what size you are, is going to be a long-term investment that's going to pay off dividends.
00:38:38
Speaker
And then not get discouraged because you feel like, okay, I'm not going to be skinny and no one's going to like me.
00:38:42
Speaker
Because I do feel like it's easy to really, really spiral.
00:38:45
Speaker
If you don't know what's going on with your body and you can't trust your body, right?
00:38:48
Speaker
So I think a lot of times with overweight people,
00:38:51
Speaker
If that's their experience, and it's like similar to my experience of gaining weight while recovering from COVID, is that like you do get to a point, yeah, you feel like you can't trust your body and that like making any type of like effort starts to feel like exhausting.
00:39:04
Speaker
It's almost like you have to just start small and then train your brain to think of your weight loss journey or your mobility journey as a way for you to actually keep participating in life and feel like a person who...
00:39:17
Speaker
has people around that value.
00:39:18
Speaker
And obviously, people who are really overweight, I know there's a lot of times trauma behind it that some people who are overweight, it's because, you know, they've experienced abuse or particularly sexual abuse.
00:39:28
Speaker
I think I read a lot of like extremely obese people that it's food addiction is a common coping mechanism for people who suffer, who've had sexual abuse.
00:39:37
Speaker
Like sometimes
00:39:39
Speaker
It's a manifestation of like a really terrible environment where you don't follow yourself because nobody else around you values you.
00:39:45
Speaker
And that's where like the mental health aspect of being overweight needs to be handled as well as like your physical health, because then you won't be able to date if you're like in a place where everything's toxic and it's causing you to self-medicate by overeating.
00:39:58
Speaker
And I think off the back of what Rose said, society in general, we need to reframe how we think about
Obesity as a Disease
00:40:05
Speaker
obesity.
00:40:05
Speaker
At the moment, obesity is seen as a personal moral failing when actually, as my surgeon put it quite bluntly, it's a disease and there's no cure for it.
00:40:15
Speaker
Bariatric surgery is not a cure for it because plenty of people gain the weight back and more and even diet and exercise.
00:40:22
Speaker
It's not even the physical part of losing weight that's hard.
00:40:25
Speaker
It's the mental battle.
00:40:26
Speaker
And, you know, that isn't something that can be overcome with the general weight loss advice that is eat less and move more.
00:40:31
Speaker
There are so many in, yeah, there's so many social factors to being overweight, possibly genetic factors as well.
00:40:38
Speaker
And I just think that we just need to see it as a disease that there is no cure for.
00:40:43
Speaker
because that's ultimately what it is.
00:40:45
Speaker
Even my surgeon described it as, you know, when you have the weight loss surgery and you're at a stable weight, 24 months post-surgery, it's in remission.
00:40:53
Speaker
And when in medical terms, when they say in remission, it means it can come back.
00:40:56
Speaker
Like, you know, you might get to the size you were again.
00:40:59
Speaker
And I just feel like, you know, food addiction, which if you are overweight to the point where you need surgery, or if you're overweight, you most likely have an eating disorder.
00:41:08
Speaker
And I will say that about myself.
00:41:10
Speaker
I'll say that because you don't get to
00:41:12
Speaker
to, I don't know, to two, three, 400, 600 pounds, having a healthy relationship with food, you just don't, you know, so there's disordered eating somewhere.
00:41:20
Speaker
But the way we see a food addiction is very, is very, very different to how we see somebody who is alcohol dependent, for example.
00:41:28
Speaker
So people who are alcohol dependent generally get more sympathy than people with food addiction,
00:41:33
Speaker
You need food to live, but you don't need alcohol to live.
00:41:36
Speaker
Exactly.
00:41:37
Speaker
You don't need alcohol.
00:41:38
Speaker
You can live your whole life without ever touching a drop of alcohol or drugs or tobacco and you'll be just fine.
00:41:44
Speaker
In fact, you'll probably be in better nick than people who even recreationally in quotation marks take those things.
00:41:49
Speaker
But you can't just not eat again.
00:41:51
Speaker
And it was interesting because after my surgery, I realised how much of our socialising now is centred around food.
00:41:58
Speaker
So, oh, let's go out for drinks.
00:42:00
Speaker
Let's go out for a meal.
00:42:01
Speaker
Let's meet up for lunch.
00:42:02
Speaker
And I noticed that because it was then I realised I can't eat at these places anymore because I'm too full.
00:42:08
Speaker
Or if I order something, I'll have to leave like most of it.
00:42:11
Speaker
And so it's not really a surprise that as we've become more sedentary, as we've become, you know, I suppose as we've begun to centre our entertainments and gatherings, even our major holidays, Thanksgiving, you know, Christmas, Easter, even Halloween is all centred around food.
00:42:27
Speaker
It's not surprising that the obesity rate is creeping up every year.
00:42:30
Speaker
But then we situate that problem within the individual saying you're not trying hard enough, you need to work on your mindset and all that completely.
00:42:36
Speaker
completely ignoring all the social factors and pressures that almost encourage us to be, you know, to be idle and to eat more, essentially.
American Food and Obesity
00:42:46
Speaker
And all the crap in our food.
00:42:48
Speaker
American food is so full of toxic crap.
00:42:50
Speaker
Well, I mean, American food, I mean, yeah, to be fair, Britain is not as bad, but yeah, American food is, yeah.
00:42:56
Speaker
I just saw a TikTok video of garbage fed pigs and it's just put me off pork completely.
00:43:02
Speaker
Like I love my bacon.
00:43:04
Speaker
I'm not a vegetarian.
00:43:05
Speaker
I'm not a vegan.
00:43:05
Speaker
I love bacon.
00:43:06
Speaker
Oh, don't say that.
00:43:07
Speaker
I love pork ribs.
00:43:10
Speaker
I don't know how they feed them in the UK, but they quite literally were giving these pigs whole packaged like Twinkies, like box and all, and just grinding it up into a paste.
00:43:20
Speaker
What?
00:43:20
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:21
Speaker
And this is why we're all full of microplastics, et cetera.
00:43:24
Speaker
Oh my God.
00:43:26
Speaker
There's a lot of really toxic things in the American food supply chain.
00:43:29
Speaker
I mean, there's pesticides, et cetera, that are supposed to be safe, but they find out later after the fact when people start getting sick that, oh, okay, maybe in certain quantities it's actually giving people cancer.
00:43:39
Speaker
There's a lot of things that are contributing to obesity in the United States, even if you do try to eat healthy, so to speak.
00:43:46
Speaker
First of all, our very car-centric culture and our car-centric planning for all our cities.
00:43:51
Speaker
So you have to get places using the car.
00:43:53
Speaker
And that's the reason why people say like,
00:43:55
Speaker
who come from the U.S. and, like, you know, come to Europe, they say they lose weight so quickly because you walk everywhere in most cities.
00:44:02
Speaker
You just walk everywhere.
00:44:03
Speaker
Right.
00:44:03
Speaker
And then two is food deserts, meaning that there are places where you can't get fresh produce, where everything that you get comes out of a bodega or a corner store, which is almost entirely prepackaged foods.
00:44:15
Speaker
Remember that white guy who went viral because he was criticizing the bodegas?
00:44:20
Speaker
And, like, everyone was, like, he was like, where's the Whole Foods?
00:44:23
Speaker
Where's the Kroger's?
00:44:24
Speaker
And they're like, welcome to food deserts.
00:44:27
Speaker
Welcome to New York kind of thing.
00:44:29
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:44:30
Speaker
It has to do with them not having access to those types of foods because of generally because of poverty and a lot of major grocery store chains, not especially in like inner cities, like the major grocery store chains,
00:44:41
Speaker
They don't think it's worth it if they don't have like a certain square footage.
00:44:44
Speaker
And then if it's a dangerous neighborhood is the other issue too.
00:44:47
Speaker
If like, if you're actually in a neighborhood that is, there's a high rate of stealing, sometimes the grocery stores will pull out of there.
00:44:53
Speaker
So, you know, things like community gardens have tried to spring up to take its place because of the fact that you literally cannot get fresh produce in some places.
00:45:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:02
Speaker
And the third reason is even if you are eating like healthy food, so to speak, it could be full of like pesticides and stuff like that that makes your body react in weird hormonal ways that there's now just trying to figure out.
00:45:15
Speaker
So I actually do think that there's something wrong with the food in North America and not just and I include Canada in this as well, because Canada's food safety laws are unfortunately like
00:45:25
Speaker
They're more strict than the States, but they're not as strict as Europe.
00:45:28
Speaker
You know, when I was living in Europe, I was losing weight without even trying.
00:45:31
Speaker
Like I was just eating normally, you know, same amount of food.
00:45:33
Speaker
I wasn't even eating healthy.
00:45:34
Speaker
I was still like partying and like drinking probably several times a week, but I was still losing weight.
00:45:39
Speaker
Like I couldn't explain it.
00:45:40
Speaker
I was like, how is it possible?
00:45:41
Speaker
I'm barely even trying to lose weight.
00:45:43
Speaker
I'm still losing weight.
00:45:43
Speaker
And then I come back to Canada and it's like immediately start gaining weight again.
00:45:47
Speaker
Or, you know, if in order to not gain weight, I have to try really hard to not gain weight, you know, and consciously diet.
00:45:53
Speaker
It's crazy.
00:45:54
Speaker
So what I think actually besides the toxic rockbinder food is that a lot of it is nutrient deficiency in the soil.
00:46:00
Speaker
And this is something that a lot of food companies have been aware for quite some time.
00:46:04
Speaker
So like every time you grow something out of a plot of land, you strip that land of its nutrients, right?
00:46:09
Speaker
So generally they try to like rotate...
00:46:12
Speaker
the soil that they plant on to allow the nutrient content of the soil to like build back up over a certain amount of times.
00:46:18
Speaker
But like that timeframe gets shorter and shorter when they're trying to mass produce.
00:46:21
Speaker
So I just think that probably our food is just less nutritionally dense, probably has less nutrients per like whatever gram.
00:46:29
Speaker
Like it has fewer micronutrients, but in terms of macronutrients like sugar or, you know, carbs and fat, it's very high in those micronutrients, but it's macronutrients, pardon me.
00:46:39
Speaker
So yeah, it's like empty calories.
00:46:41
Speaker
Exactly.
00:46:42
Speaker
So I think a lot of it's because even our produce probably has, not even probably, definitely has, like the nutritional content of like a banana today is a fraction of what it would have been like 40 years ago because of like the nutrient content of the soil being depleted.
00:46:55
Speaker
And it's just like another...
00:46:57
Speaker
side effect of one global warming to overgrowing over, you know, forestation or just like commercial farming practices.
00:47:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:05
Speaker
Commercial farming.
00:47:06
Speaker
You know, a lot of French agriculture is still actually very traditional and small scale.
00:47:11
Speaker
American agriculture is like agribusiness and it's all about like, yeah, maximizing profit, reducing overhead.
00:47:16
Speaker
You know, they don't get paid by, you know, the flavor of the tomato or the nutritiousness of the tomato.
00:47:22
Speaker
They get paid by, you know, they want tomatoes that are shippable, you know, can stay on the grocery store shelf for a long time without going bad and stuff.
00:47:30
Speaker
They don't really, you know, factors like flavor, quality or nutrition are not part of that business model.
00:47:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:47:36
Speaker
So Google soil depletion, and you can see a bunch of articles about like why our food, even the healthy food is way less nutritious than the food that you end up having to eat more of it just to have the same amount of nutrient content that they might've had 40 years ago, which contributes to obesity.
00:47:50
Speaker
Because if I have to eat three bananas to get the same nutrient profile as people used to have to get one banana, then you have to feel satiated because your body needs the nutrients.
00:47:58
Speaker
So like you're going to keep eating it until you get nutrients.
00:48:01
Speaker
So that's also obesity contributing to obesity.
00:48:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:48:05
Speaker
Take a multivitamin like Athletic Greens.
00:48:08
Speaker
All the bananas come from South America, from the banana republics that the state's created.
00:48:12
Speaker
So, I mean.
00:48:12
Speaker
And I just want to quickly, and so to quickly touch on a final point as well, in terms of, you know, one aspect of the aftermath of my surgery and subsequent weight loss is that
00:48:23
Speaker
The attention from men at large is still screwy.
00:48:29
Speaker
I will admit that there's like more of it.
00:48:32
Speaker
So men do more, I guess, like wild things to get my attention slash number.
00:48:37
Speaker
But generally speaking, it's still like low quality en masse.
00:48:41
Speaker
So I can empathize with women who feel invisible because they think they're unconventionally attractive or they're overweight or whatever.
00:48:48
Speaker
I empathize with that because that's not a nice feeling either.
00:48:51
Speaker
But becoming, I guess, you know, closer to being conventionally attractive is not all of a sudden going to make a decent man materialize.
00:48:58
Speaker
That's just not how it works.
00:49:00
Speaker
You get more attention, but all of it or like most of it will still be low quality and low effort.
00:49:06
Speaker
So that was a bit of a personal ramble, but it's nice to get that off my chest.
00:49:10
Speaker
So yeah, let us know your thoughts on that in the Discord or the comments or wherever you're watching or listening to this episode or on our website.
00:49:21
Speaker
Thefemaledatingstrategy.com forward slash forum.
00:49:25
Speaker
With a popping forum.
00:49:27
Speaker
Yes.
00:49:27
Speaker
So that's our show.
00:49:28
Speaker
Check us out on the website we just mentioned.
00:49:31
Speaker
Also on Twitter at fem.strat.
00:49:33
Speaker
Also on Instagram at underscore the female dating strategy.
00:49:37
Speaker
And if you enjoy the show, please support our Patreon where we have bonus content on a weekly basis, as well as a Discord.
00:49:43
Speaker
You can chat with us and you can submit a question for our roast to scrote, queen shit, et cetera.
00:49:47
Speaker
So that's patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:49:51
Speaker
Thanks for listening, queens.
00:49:53
Speaker
And for all you scrotes out there,
00:49:55
Speaker
Weeble wobble, but you don't fall down.
00:49:57
Speaker
Okay.
00:49:58
Speaker
See you next week.
00:50:02
Speaker
Random, but okay.
00:50:03
Speaker
See you next week.
00:50:03
Speaker
Bye.