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CATFIGHT!!! Overcoming Conflicts With Other Women
39 Plays3 years ago
The Queens discuss their strategies on how to deal with jealous, competitive, and high-conflict women. Lilith tells us how she wins at office politics. Savannah flexes on a toxic former boss. Reaux discusses the merits of working from home and staying above all the drama. Defeat toxic political pickmes by being a benevolent Queen, not a tyrant.
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Transcript
Introduction and Podcast Overview
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey there, all you true crime fans.
00:00:01
Speaker
We have a new podcast to recommend for you.
00:00:03
Speaker
It's True Crime in the 50, a podcast that takes a look at serial killers, murders, and disappearances and frauds that rocked each and every state across the country.
00:00:11
Speaker
Every two weeks, host Katie Ocardo brings you the craziest crime from each state, starting with Alabama.
00:00:17
Speaker
She covers it all from more well-known criminals like Illinois' Drew Peterson and Arizona's Jodi Arias to lesser-known crimes like Hawaii's missing women, Diane Suzuki and Lisa Au, and the quadruple mansion murders in Maryland.
00:00:30
Speaker
Or tune in to hear about the true crime epidemic of Montana's Indigenous women.
00:00:35
Speaker
If you like fraud cases, she's got those too.
00:00:38
Speaker
Listen to Iowa's huge hot lotto scammer Eddie Tipton or Florida's famous Miss Cleo and the Psychic Readers Network.
00:00:44
Speaker
True Crime in the 50 has something for everyone.
00:00:46
Speaker
So take a road trip across this country and check out the True Crime in 50 podcast available on Apple Podcasts, Stitcher, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Engagement and Community Building
00:00:54
Speaker
Hey, queens, are you ready to level up?
00:00:57
Speaker
Then join our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy where you can find
00:01:02
Speaker
weekly bonus content and FDS commentary on all the latest pop culture relationship and dating news.
00:01:10
Speaker
If you just want to listen to the extra bonus content, we have the lurker mode tier on our Patreon.
00:01:14
Speaker
If you want merchandise, access to the private FDS Patreon discord, which also includes a monthly book club with FDS and feminist themed books, as well as FDS merchandise, t-shirts, mugs, and the opportunity to discuss topics with the FDS podcast queens live.
00:01:31
Speaker
as well as submit stories for our Rose to Scope Queen and Nasus discussions on the podcast itself.
00:01:38
Speaker
So if you'd like access to all this and more, visit our Patreon at patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
Women and Conflict Resolution
00:01:50
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:01:51
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:01:56
Speaker
I'm Ro.
00:01:57
Speaker
And I'm Savannah.
00:01:58
Speaker
And I'm Lilla.
00:01:59
Speaker
And today we are going to be talking about a much requested topic, how to resolve conflict with other women.
00:02:07
Speaker
And I actually want to say, in terms of terminology, this episode is actually going to be about overcoming conflicts with women not resolving, okay?
00:02:14
Speaker
This is not a sit down with your bully and talk about your feelings type of episode, okay?
00:02:20
Speaker
This is about how to set up social situations in such a way that you will come out on top.
00:02:26
Speaker
So there's this problem under patriarchy where women are encouraged to be cooperative with men and
00:02:32
Speaker
and competitive with women.
00:02:34
Speaker
And in my view, if we want to defeat the patriarchy, we need to do the opposite.
00:02:38
Speaker
We need to cooperate with other women whenever possible, and be less cooperative with men.
00:02:43
Speaker
And I got the idea for this episode when I was, it was just offline.
00:02:46
Speaker
I was talking with Ro and Elle for the Political Strategy Podcast.
00:02:51
Speaker
Ro, do you want to like plug our Political Strategy Podcast real quick?
00:02:54
Speaker
Yes!
00:02:55
Speaker
Every Monday, new episodes!
Critique of Power Dynamics Literature
00:02:59
Speaker
Female political strategy.
00:03:00
Speaker
It's basically the same ethos of FDS about ruthless female self-interest from a broader perspective.
00:03:06
Speaker
So we get to talk about a lot of the subjects that are outside of sex and dating that affect women on that podcast.
00:03:11
Speaker
So highly recommend you check it out.
00:03:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:14
Speaker
So while we were in the war room for female political strategy, me, Roe, and Al, we were talking about how do we build alliances with women?
00:03:22
Speaker
How do we sow discord between men so that women can rise and defeat the patriarchy and so on?
00:03:28
Speaker
So as I was talking about these strategies, Roe was like, you know what this really reminds me of?
00:03:32
Speaker
This reminds me of Robert Greene's 48 Laws of Power.
00:03:35
Speaker
And I hadn't, I had at that time, I had not read it
00:03:38
Speaker
I actually still haven't read it.
00:03:38
Speaker
I just looked at the wiki summary.
00:03:40
Speaker
It's very long.
00:03:41
Speaker
It is.
00:03:42
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:42
Speaker
It's pretty good.
00:03:43
Speaker
But and there's also there's also laws and tactics that contradict each other.
00:03:47
Speaker
So it's really it's really interesting as a concept, but hard to apply.
00:03:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:52
Speaker
And I have to say, I've read just the laws and a brief summary of each one.
00:03:55
Speaker
And to be honest, I was actually pretty disappointed because it really did not match up with my own personal experience.
00:04:02
Speaker
As I'm reading this, I'm thinking, this might work if a man was using it on a man or if a man was using it on a woman.
00:04:08
Speaker
But I find in my personal experience, I mean, first of all, a lot of the strategies in the 48 Laws of Power are coercive or abusive.
00:04:17
Speaker
And if a man ever treated me like that, I'd probably run for the hills.
00:04:20
Speaker
If a woman treated me like that, doubly so, right?
00:04:23
Speaker
And I just find in my personal experience in work and in school, that women tend to have a very negative reaction to other women who use these sorts of coercive and abusive strategies.
00:04:34
Speaker
The unfortunate thing, the sad thing is that a lot of women, if a man was using these strategies on them, they'd be like a total pick me for him, but they don't
00:04:44
Speaker
respond the same way when another woman uses it.
00:04:46
Speaker
Well, it's a lot of like dark triad stuff, right?
00:04:49
Speaker
Yeah.
00:04:49
Speaker
I don't necessarily think everyone responds positively.
00:04:52
Speaker
In fact, if you read a lot of the comments to the book, it's, I mean, it's a sociopath manual.
00:04:56
Speaker
I kind of looked at it as a means to understand the types of political machinations that people do to gain power, right?
00:05:04
Speaker
It helps you understand why people do certain things, but it's really hard to pull off if you're not yourself a narcissist or a sociopath.
00:05:11
Speaker
True.
00:05:12
Speaker
So I feel like a lot of people who criticize the book criticize it for that reason where it's like, man, this is actually horrifying that there are people out there like that.
00:05:18
Speaker
But it's like, you might as well know the Devil's Playbook, right?
00:05:21
Speaker
I actually appreciate it for that.
00:05:22
Speaker
True.
00:05:23
Speaker
That's a good point.
00:05:24
Speaker
But I do feel like this, because we talked about like the red flag books, I kind of feel like that's somewhat of a red flag book, at least a yellow flag.
00:05:31
Speaker
If a man's read it.
00:05:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:33
Speaker
Not if he's read it.
00:05:34
Speaker
But if he likes it.
00:05:35
Speaker
But like the guys that, yeah, the guys that like a spy
00:05:38
Speaker
to that like they basically treat it like it's their bible run from those guys it's a fuckboy manual and they they aspire to unnatural levels of uh control and power yeah and you also don't need to resort to levels of like sociopathy to get the respect and power that you want as well as this episode will explain in more detail
00:05:58
Speaker
Exactly.
00:05:59
Speaker
So that's actually such a good point, because I feel like 48 Laws of Power, it's very good for understanding when people are trying to have one over on you.
00:06:08
Speaker
So like understanding your shitty sociopathic boss, understanding, you know, shitty sociopathic political pick me's and so on, right?
00:06:16
Speaker
It can be useful in that area.
00:06:18
Speaker
But like, for me personally, yeah, it is really hard to pull these off if you have a conscience.
00:06:23
Speaker
And unfortunately, I do have a conscience.
00:06:25
Speaker
So kind of have to work with what you've got.
00:06:27
Speaker
Or it's just a lot of energy if it's not second nature to you, right?
00:06:30
Speaker
Like with narcissists and sociopaths, it's second nature for them to be like that versus a person who's not socialized that way.
00:06:36
Speaker
It becomes an effort.
00:06:37
Speaker
It takes more brain power.
00:06:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:39
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:39
Speaker
And it's like, man, fuck this.
00:06:41
Speaker
Like I don't want to do it that bad.
00:06:42
Speaker
And that's why the psychopaths always went.
00:06:44
Speaker
Yeah.
Personal Conflict Experiences
00:06:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:06:45
Speaker
So here's the thing, though, with this episode, my hope is that we're going to talk about how to deal with women who are like that, right?
00:06:52
Speaker
Because I find with men, there's a there's one way to deal with it.
00:06:55
Speaker
But with women, I have a I think it plays out a little bit differently, like, you know, female social hierarchies and so on.
00:07:01
Speaker
But in my personal experience, I find that anytime I've ever tried to be sort of like bossy, so to speak, around other women, they tend to see me as a threat.
00:07:10
Speaker
And that just makes me a lot of enemies and ends up backfiring massively.
00:07:14
Speaker
So I think with women, if women as a collective want to gain power, like as a class of people, like as a sex class, we need to use a different set of strategies than what is outlined in the 48 Laws of Power.
00:07:26
Speaker
So
00:07:26
Speaker
Yeah, it's not fair.
00:07:27
Speaker
But you know, if you want to win, you got to learn to play the game.
00:07:30
Speaker
I just want to have a few caveats before I get into like the meat of this episode, which is that to be honest, I actually don't experience a ton of conflict with women because whenever possible, I try to prevent it from happening in the first place.
00:07:41
Speaker
And that's actually one of the core messages of this episode is it is very difficult to fix a relationship once you're
00:07:49
Speaker
Once you've made a bad impression with someone like first impressions matter, it can be difficult to patch things up once you've gotten off on the wrong foot.
00:07:56
Speaker
And so as I go through my five main strategies, it's going to progress from prevention to more and more active conflict.
00:08:03
Speaker
The ones earlier in the list are going to give you more bang for your buck, so to speak.
00:08:06
Speaker
And the ones later are like may have limited application.
00:08:10
Speaker
The first step before we get into five strategies, I want to say it is important to identify the problem if you're in a conflict with another woman.
00:08:17
Speaker
When you're having conflicts with people in general, whether it's with a man or a woman, it's important to have strategic empathy.
00:08:23
Speaker
And by strategic empathy, I mean understanding the motivations of the other person in a conflict.
00:08:28
Speaker
I find often when people get in fights with others, they just sort of demonize the other person, go like, oh, they're just like catty bitches who hate me for no reason.
00:08:35
Speaker
Although that can happen.
00:08:36
Speaker
Like there are women who are like that.
00:08:38
Speaker
I find in most cases, conflicts between women can be usually like either circumstantial or because of there's some kind of power struggle.
00:08:46
Speaker
There's four common scenarios I wrote down that I've personally experienced a lot of, which is like a power struggle, like Queen B versus Queen B. Scenario two is higher status woman or multiple higher status women.
00:08:57
Speaker
And by higher status, I mean, like, they're either older than you, more powerful, or they've been working there longer, bullying one woman because she's either, like, a rising star and they see her as a threat or they just think she's, like, easy to pick on and so they all kind of, like, gang up on her.
00:09:11
Speaker
The third scenario is ankle biters.
00:09:12
Speaker
So, like, lower status person who's jealous, undermining, wants to, like, they get a sort of, like, sadistic sort of pleasure from, like, taking down, you know, a person who's more successful than them.
Office Politics and Conflict Management
00:09:22
Speaker
Jesus, free us all from all of these people because it's just such a waste of your energy.
00:09:26
Speaker
I mean, I know...
00:09:27
Speaker
Not to interrupt, but I hear what you're saying and I've experienced all of these things.
00:09:31
Speaker
And then I'm like, at some point you have to just think about how much of your life are you wasting doing this?
00:09:39
Speaker
But people, I guess, I guess there's office politics and people get sucked into it, but I hope to God, and this is why I kind of love the work from home thing is like, you just don't have to give a fuck about that.
00:09:48
Speaker
That's why I, I partially never want to go back to an office if I can avoid it.
00:09:52
Speaker
Yeah.
00:09:53
Speaker
But you just don't have to deal with the shit.
00:09:55
Speaker
Like I,
00:09:55
Speaker
you know, but go ahead.
00:09:56
Speaker
Sorry, Loth, my little rant.
00:09:58
Speaker
Oh, yeah, yeah.
00:09:58
Speaker
I'll just say my fourth point and then respond to what you said.
00:10:01
Speaker
So fourth scenario that I find really common is where this happens to me a lot, actually, sadly, where I think someone is my friend or my ally, but it turns out she's actually been secretly undermining me behind my back.
00:10:11
Speaker
And that's always sad when that happens, because it can be really hard to detect.
00:10:15
Speaker
But we'll get into how I've managed to, you know, resolve that.
00:10:19
Speaker
But in terms of like office politics, I got to say before the pandemic,
00:10:22
Speaker
I hate to admit this, but I was actually really good at office politics.
00:10:26
Speaker
So that's one of the things I kind of miss.
00:10:27
Speaker
That's one of the things I kind of miss before the pandemic.
00:10:31
Speaker
It's like, goddammit, I can't... It does make it harder to network, though.
00:10:36
Speaker
I'd also just like to add as well, there's another common scenario to conflict with other women that I've encountered, and that's just a general misunderstanding.
Strategies for Conflict Resolution
00:10:45
Speaker
And...
00:10:45
Speaker
How you handle that can be the difference between it just remaining a misunderstanding that you get over or just becoming absolutely nuclear.
00:10:54
Speaker
I mean, I personally haven't really been on the receiving end of the other four that Lilith set out.
00:10:59
Speaker
I mean, and like when I was, I just got myself out of that situation.
00:11:03
Speaker
And when I see that person, I just, not going to lie, I do like to flex.
00:11:07
Speaker
I'll tell the story later on, but I do flex that.
00:11:11
Speaker
I won in the end.
00:11:12
Speaker
Sorry.
00:11:12
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:13
Speaker
It's hard because some industries are like that, period.
00:11:18
Speaker
So some industries, you can jump out of the frying pan into the fire because it's just...
00:11:23
Speaker
the culture pretty much everywhere.
00:11:25
Speaker
It's really hard.
00:11:25
Speaker
With regards to Savannah's point about the misunderstanding, that's actually why it's so important to understand strategic empathy or to have strategic empathy.
00:11:34
Speaker
Because, you know, if you have a misunderstanding with someone and you immediately go like, oh, she's just like a catty bitch who hates me for no reason kind of thing, it can really blind you to other options to resolve the conflict.
00:11:43
Speaker
That's actually one of the few situations where it can be easy to resolve a conflict after the conflict's already happened or while it's happening.
00:11:49
Speaker
Because if you just like talk it out and like, oh, I thought you meant this when you said this and like come to some kind of a common understanding often, like I've had situations actually where we'll have a misunderstanding, we talk it out and then we actually become friends after that.
00:12:00
Speaker
So yeah, that's like the one scenario I think it is possible to solve it after the fact.
00:12:05
Speaker
Anyway, so on to I want to present my five laws of female power.
00:12:09
Speaker
These are the five strategies that I've used in my life that have been beneficial to me and that have really served me well over the course of my lifetime.
00:12:15
Speaker
So rule number one, rule number one is find your tribe.
00:12:19
Speaker
And that's because with women, there is strength in numbers.
00:12:23
Speaker
We don't have the physical strength or the socialization that men have had where they can just like dominate situations.
00:12:29
Speaker
Your strength as a woman, your power as a woman is found with other women, generally speaking.
00:12:34
Speaker
And so whenever possible, try to make alliances instead of enemies.
00:12:37
Speaker
And the reason why it's important is because the more supporters you have, the more likely other people will support you in the event that you do find yourself in a conflict.
00:12:45
Speaker
You know, don't sneer at like, oh, like it's just a popularity contest or something.
00:12:49
Speaker
you know, oh, I don't do popularity contests, that kind of stuff.
00:12:52
Speaker
Like, popularity does matter, unfortunately.
00:12:54
Speaker
Yeah, you can never escape it.
00:12:56
Speaker
That's like the black pill of life, is that you can't often escape popularity contests.
00:13:02
Speaker
Yeah, I don't even see it as a black pill.
00:13:04
Speaker
I mean, like... Although, I will caveat, though, that being popular, and this is well known at UK University, this is also known as being really bait.
00:13:13
Speaker
As in like B-A-I-T.
00:13:15
Speaker
I don't pronounce my teens, so, but I say bae, but it's bait.
00:13:19
Speaker
Bait.
00:13:20
Speaker
Okay.
00:13:20
Speaker
You're British.
00:13:22
Speaker
Who's mispronouncing words now?
00:13:28
Speaker
Joel L. Price.
00:13:29
Speaker
I mean...
00:13:33
Speaker
Um, so there's this and like being bait can actually really work against you in my personal experience.
00:13:39
Speaker
So it's one thing being popular, but... What is bait?
00:13:42
Speaker
What does that mean?
00:13:43
Speaker
Oh, being bait basically means that you're well known and popular basically.
00:13:47
Speaker
But in my experience that the people who were like the baitest people, they were popular for the wrong reasons.
00:13:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:54
Speaker
And I noticed this firsthand.
00:13:55
Speaker
I remember when I was in college, I went for election.
00:14:00
Speaker
I wanted to run for an elected student leadership position.
00:14:03
Speaker
And at the time, I was quite unknown.
00:14:06
Speaker
And I only had like three friends who came to support me on election day.
00:14:09
Speaker
It was really sweet of them.
00:14:10
Speaker
And I was up against a girl.
00:14:13
Speaker
She knew everyone in the room, like absolutely everyone.
00:14:16
Speaker
And so we both gave our speeches.
00:14:18
Speaker
I think there was about maybe 100 people in the room and like 90 of the delegates voted for me.
00:14:23
Speaker
So I won by a massive landslide.
00:14:24
Speaker
Wow.
00:14:25
Speaker
Nice.
00:14:26
Speaker
Yeah.
00:14:26
Speaker
I think it was like literally only, I mean, she voted for herself, but it literally must have been only her campaign team who voted for her.
00:14:33
Speaker
All her friends like snaked her completely.
00:14:37
Speaker
But then when I spoke to her friends afterwards, they were like, yeah, I know her really well, but I knew she'd be crap.
00:14:43
Speaker
for the job.
00:14:44
Speaker
So sometimes actually being like, not being well known, especially in places like the workplace or if you ever run for office, that can actually work in your favour because people won't judge you on what they know of you.
00:14:57
Speaker
They'll judge you on what you say and how you present yourself.
00:15:00
Speaker
That's true.
00:15:00
Speaker
So that's just a caveat there that sometimes being popular isn't always the strategy.
00:15:05
Speaker
What you want to be is you want to be known as being competent and
00:15:07
Speaker
And sometimes the most competent people are not necessarily the most popular people, depending on the situation that you're in.
00:15:14
Speaker
And that's why I've heard from multiple people that job hopping is actually a lot of times the better option than trying to work your way up to a company, not just for the pay raise, but because of the perception, right?
00:15:25
Speaker
Like everybody, the new shiny person is always more competent than the existing person that they have.
00:15:30
Speaker
Even if that's not even close to being true, it's just a perception thing.
00:15:33
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:15:34
Speaker
And if you if you job hop and you've been promoted in that organization, you're instantly seen as someone who is valuable from the get go.
00:15:41
Speaker
That might have diminished in your or that sense of appreciation and that sense of value from your old company might have diminished over time as well.
00:15:50
Speaker
What you're describing sounds like a different strategy.
00:15:52
Speaker
There was one strategy in the 48 Laws of Power where he's like, oh, be mysterious.
00:15:57
Speaker
You know, don't overshare.
00:15:58
Speaker
You know, conceal your intentions, I think was another one.
00:16:01
Speaker
Having less information about you out there is good.
00:16:04
Speaker
What I'm talking about with popularity is I mean, like, and there are people who are, like, popular or who are well-known but aren't necessarily, like, a queen bee.
00:16:10
Speaker
Like,
00:16:11
Speaker
um you know being popular and being a queen bee are not necessarily the same thing at least at my high school for example like there was this clique of like underachieving blonde women who mostly got pregnant at 16 or 17 and they were this is a crowd that like thought that they were popular and there's like maybe 20 of them and they'd like go to each other's parties every weekend and stuff but like they thought that they were popular but like everyone else in our high school hated them like the actual popular kids were like
00:16:35
Speaker
the overachieving... I had like three cliques that I hung out with.
00:16:39
Speaker
It was like the theater kids, the sporty kids, and the like nerdy kids.
00:16:43
Speaker
And so, yeah, it's possible to be well known and for people to like you, but it doesn't necessarily... I don't know how to say that.
00:16:49
Speaker
Like the people who think that they're popular are not always the people who are the most well-liked, let's just say.
00:16:55
Speaker
But anyways, my point being that the other thing about like strength in numbers or find your tribe is that it's also a preemptive defense against smear campaigns.
Reputation and Alliances
00:17:04
Speaker
So often like a narcissistic or sociopathic person will try to attack you by damaging your reputation.
00:17:12
Speaker
And if you already have a good reputation, that's like a sort of like herd immunity, it makes it much harder for that seed of smearing that smearing seed, so to speak to grow.
00:17:22
Speaker
Like there have been times where I'll be like in an office, for example, and like, I'm generally like well liked, and then
00:17:28
Speaker
someone who's like my work rival or whatever tries to like talk shit about me and then they'll accidentally say it to someone who's actually one of my supporters and then my supporter will be like oh that's not true and then they'll come back and tell me like hey so-and-so was saying this about you kind of thing right
00:17:46
Speaker
That's an example of office politics working in my favorite.
00:17:48
Speaker
That's the other thing is like, if a lot of people like you, they will report back to you and tell you when other people are talking shit about you.
00:17:54
Speaker
So that's also useful.
00:17:56
Speaker
Anyways, that's a side side bit.
00:17:57
Speaker
But anyways, my lesson here is like, if you're entering a new workplace or social situation, be kind and friendly to other women, be helpful, but not a people pleaser.
00:18:05
Speaker
I find a lot of people do this thing where they try to like curry favor by just doing other people's work for them or by just being too like giving too much of themselves.
00:18:14
Speaker
A better strategy is to just support other women.
00:18:16
Speaker
An example, I was in a meeting once where there was this woman trying to make a point and this guy kept talking over her and I just cut him off and it was like, Samantha didn't finish her point.
00:18:24
Speaker
Can you let her finish?
00:18:26
Speaker
And then me and her, we kind of looked at each other and had this look like,
00:18:28
Speaker
nice look of understanding, you know.
00:18:31
Speaker
And then she went on to defend me in other situations going forward.
00:18:35
Speaker
So yeah, that's an example, like kind of being on code and standing up for other women.
00:18:38
Speaker
And they'll stand up for you if you stand up for them kind of thing.
00:18:41
Speaker
When you're joining a new social situation, be assertive, but don't try to one up or put down other women.
00:18:45
Speaker
That's another thing I see a lot, especially if they're hyper competent, and they really want other people to know how amazing they are, they'll just maybe talk too excessively about their accomplishments and other people
00:18:54
Speaker
women start to like see them as a threat.
00:18:56
Speaker
Don't downplay your achievements either.
00:18:57
Speaker
But like, you know, don't try to like one up people or like put other people down, you know, basically, what I'm saying is like, try to establish like a quid pro quo kind of relationship with other women where it's like you scratch my back, I scratch yours.
Navigating Toxic Environments
00:19:08
Speaker
And if they don't reciprocate,
00:19:10
Speaker
hold back.
00:19:11
Speaker
Don't do this thing.
00:19:11
Speaker
Like some men will do this thing where like they'll do a favor for you and then expect something in return and like use that as an excuse to like try to demand something from you.
00:19:19
Speaker
I don't do that.
00:19:20
Speaker
If I do a favor for someone and they don't reciprocate, I just don't do any more favors for them.
00:19:24
Speaker
I won't try to like force a favor out of them, you know, like that's just kind of weird and it will make you more enemies than friends.
00:19:30
Speaker
The other thing here's, here's actually the important lesson is if you're currently in a social milieu or workplace where you're being bullied or mistreated, leave period.
00:19:40
Speaker
Find a community where you are loved and where you are accepted.
00:19:44
Speaker
Even if you're kind of like a bit of a misfit or something and you don't fit in with other women generally, like find a group of other misfits that you can hang out with.
00:19:51
Speaker
Okay.
00:19:52
Speaker
It's really not worth it.
00:19:53
Speaker
And I wish I could just like go back and tell young me about all the times I was like fighting for my space.
00:19:59
Speaker
And this is like partially also...
00:20:02
Speaker
a conversation about racial microaggressions as well, it can be very, very difficult for people of color or people who are non-traditional candidates, especially for management, trying to fight your way up in that system.
00:20:13
Speaker
So you feel like you're on the defensive all the time and you feel like, well, every place sucks and I have to just always fight for my space because it does feel like that.
00:20:20
Speaker
And I can say that
00:20:21
Speaker
for myself that's been true in some places, but there are better places than others.
00:20:26
Speaker
And sometimes it's just better to fight your way off that team, fight your way off that, you know, that situation.
00:20:31
Speaker
But it's, um, it's an uphill battle.
00:20:33
Speaker
It's an uphill battle.
00:20:34
Speaker
And I would say like, if you are a person like that, who's like a quote, non-traditional candidate, make sure you indulge in a lot of self-care and like,
00:20:42
Speaker
balance between your ambitions and taking care of yourself because you will run yourself ragged trying to fit into a mold that's not really made for you, if that makes sense.
00:20:52
Speaker
And this goes for just about anybody who's, I think, even female in general, but doubly so for non-traditional female candidates.
00:20:59
Speaker
If you're disabled, if you're a person of color, if you're a person who's LGBTQ, like these things can affect the way you see yourself.
00:21:06
Speaker
And so, you know, indulge in a lot of self-care and really if it gets like bad, then just leave.
00:21:10
Speaker
Yeah.
00:21:11
Speaker
And definitely, if you're in a workplace, it can be hard to avoid if you're like a minority, for example.
00:21:15
Speaker
So in that case, I would say, make sure that on your own personal time that you are spending time with people who love and who accept you.
00:21:22
Speaker
If you can't get that from your workplace, that is.
00:21:24
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:21:25
Speaker
I mean, you should be doing that normally, but you know.
00:21:27
Speaker
Yeah, because you spend a lot of time at work.
00:21:29
Speaker
And this is why, I mean, overwhelmingly people, a lot of people said they like to work at home, especially people of color, because they don't have to deal with a lot of those daily microaggressions, which are hard to... They're like little paper cuts all the time, and they're really hard to quantify to people how much it can be exhausting.
00:21:46
Speaker
At the same time, you know, there are there are better workplaces than others.
00:21:50
Speaker
And if you are just legit stressed out, like I would make the argument that it's not worth the fight anymore.
00:21:55
Speaker
Like you can probably do a lot better for yourself to just move to another job and try to get even better pay.
00:22:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:02
Speaker
Just abandon ship.
00:22:03
Speaker
Like go for work for a company that isn't racist, basically.
00:22:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:06
Speaker
Or a team or at least, you know, it's not racist.
00:22:08
Speaker
It's it can be it's just not worth your mental energy.
00:22:11
Speaker
Let me put it that way.
00:22:12
Speaker
And especially like in like the capitalist hellscape that we live in, these companies will try and make out like this is the best you can do is working for them.
00:22:22
Speaker
And it's absolutely not true.
00:22:24
Speaker
And sometimes I think if I think back to my first job in retail, I think that
00:22:30
Speaker
Some of the animosity that came from the female managers stemmed from the fact that I wasn't going to be around in retail for very long, whereas they had been in the same position for 30 years.
00:22:41
Speaker
I'm not going to be like, oh, they're so jealous of me.
00:22:43
Speaker
But I remember one of them said to me, oh, if we fired you tomorrow, I doubt you'd get another job in this town.
00:22:50
Speaker
And about six months later, I got a better job with a much better company.
00:22:56
Speaker
And they were all really shocked.
00:22:57
Speaker
That's an example of a coercive strategy that they use.
00:23:00
Speaker
So yeah, when I go back into that shop in my hometown, I do like to flex.
00:23:03
Speaker
So yeah, that was just her way of just trying to keep me in a box.
00:23:07
Speaker
And it was complete bullshit because I managed to find a much better job with a company who actually valued me while she's still stuck in her position.
00:23:15
Speaker
I just wanted to chime in and say that, or just to wrap up this point about
Building Alliances Among Women
00:23:19
Speaker
building your tribe.
00:23:19
Speaker
There is a corresponding law in Robert Greene's Law of Power.
00:23:23
Speaker
That would be Law 18, which is do not build fortresses to protect yourself.
00:23:28
Speaker
Isolation is dangerous.
00:23:29
Speaker
And I really, really, really want to emphasize to women that if you are a woman, being isolated is dangerous.
00:23:37
Speaker
An isolated woman is like a little baby buffalo without its herd.
00:23:40
Speaker
She's extremely dangerous.
00:23:41
Speaker
vulnerable to predators.
00:23:42
Speaker
It's really unfortunate.
00:23:44
Speaker
I find this, again, with hyper-competent women tend to do this a lot where, you know, if you don't really get along with other people or other people are just being stupid or whatever, it's too easy to fall into this trap of trying to be a lone wolf and trying to go at it on your own.
00:23:55
Speaker
That is a losing strategy.
00:23:57
Speaker
Always try to find supporters.
00:23:58
Speaker
Well, damn, Lilith, call out my whole life.
00:24:00
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:03
Speaker
It's also really sad when women, you know, say things like, I just don't get on that well with other women.
00:24:09
Speaker
And it's like, Try to get along better with other women.
00:24:11
Speaker
It's also true.
00:24:12
Speaker
And also women are the best protectors, honestly.
00:24:14
Speaker
Like, the people that have come through the most for me when I really needed it, as in gone above and beyond to help me out, have always been women.
00:24:23
Speaker
Always.
00:24:24
Speaker
Also, it's just crazy as fuck when people say, I don't get along with other women.
00:24:27
Speaker
Like, really?
00:24:28
Speaker
There's, like, what, six, seven billion people on this planet, 3.5 billion of which are female, and you don't get along with any of them?
00:24:35
Speaker
That's a you.
00:24:35
Speaker
Yeah.
00:24:37
Speaker
That's just weird.
00:24:38
Speaker
I actually get along with most women.
00:24:40
Speaker
You don't get along with every woman.
00:24:42
Speaker
Like, of course not.
00:24:43
Speaker
But, like, just me, like, it's categorically, I don't get along with women.
00:24:46
Speaker
That's crazy.
00:24:46
Speaker
Here's, that's actually, we're going to talk about red flags of toxic women.
00:24:50
Speaker
That's one of them.
00:24:51
Speaker
If they say...
00:24:52
Speaker
I don't get along with women.
00:24:53
Speaker
That's a massive fucking red flag.
00:24:55
Speaker
But yeah, we'll get into that later in the episode.
00:24:57
Speaker
But yeah, so my point being that even if you are amazing and hyper competent and talented, and I mean, first of all, like, doing all the work yourself is just like, you're gonna waste a bunch of time.
00:25:07
Speaker
It's so much better to try to what's that saying, like, many hands makes the task lighter or something like that.
00:25:14
Speaker
Many hands make light work.
00:25:16
Speaker
Many hands makes light work.
00:25:17
Speaker
Exactly.
00:25:18
Speaker
So even if you are really strong and amazing, you know, going at it alone is much, much harder than trying to share the burden of life with other women.
00:25:27
Speaker
That's my strategy.
00:25:28
Speaker
Anyways, so number two, if you meet a woman more powerful than you, and she's a generally good person, pledge allegiance to the queen.
00:25:36
Speaker
I'm not kidding.
00:25:37
Speaker
You can avoid a lot of conflicts with other women who are more powerful or who are more established than you by just simply being loyal to her.
00:25:44
Speaker
I mean, I've said in other episodes like, oh yeah, I like to be in control.
00:25:48
Speaker
I like to have power.
00:25:49
Speaker
This is one of limited circumstances where I feel safe giving up power.
00:25:53
Speaker
Like if I meet another woman who is more established than me, but she's like a good person.
00:25:58
Speaker
She's got like this nice like maternal energy.
00:26:00
Speaker
And especially if she has skills that you want to learn or that you can benefit from, try to see if she'll take you under her wing.
00:26:06
Speaker
That's such an underrated strategy with women because I feel like men more naturally know how to do this.
00:26:11
Speaker
And a lot of it has to do with the way they're socialized around athletics.
00:26:16
Speaker
One of the reasons why I actually like to watch sports is because you can kind of see the way that men politically organize themselves.
00:26:22
Speaker
And if you're a role player, you're a role player at that.
00:26:25
Speaker
at that point and you're not the star player on the team and you have to learn how to recognize when you're that and not try to play hero ball.
00:26:32
Speaker
Exactly.
00:26:33
Speaker
So some women, I feel like a lot of women, because we maybe don't have the same, I don't know.
00:26:38
Speaker
I mean, there are obviously a lot of female athletes, but the way that women socialize tends to be like flat organization.
Leadership and Team Dynamics
00:26:45
Speaker
more or less, unless you're doing like a toxic queen bee hierarchy that sometimes creating a benevolent hierarchy or a hierarchy that's effective can feel very, like very antagonistic.
00:26:54
Speaker
And a lot of women have like negative reactions to having female leaders.
00:26:58
Speaker
And also female leaders can be kind of like horrible to their underlings too, because they haven't figured out how to create a benevolent or effective hierarchy.
00:27:07
Speaker
But like, if you're, if you watch sports, that's all sports are besides these like freak athletes or like freak, you know, physical,
00:27:15
Speaker
gifts.
00:27:16
Speaker
It's also organizing people based on their personality and their individual unique skills.
00:27:21
Speaker
And then people who are not the LeBron Jameses of the world need to know when to sit the fuck down.
00:27:27
Speaker
And that's a really hard thing to learn.
00:27:29
Speaker
But if these grown men can do it, like women can do it too.
00:27:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:32
Speaker
I mean, part of the problem is that there are so few female, I wouldn't actually know, I'm not going to say there's few female leaders, but there's a problem in a lot of workplaces, especially male dominated workplaces, where the women who are leaders tend to be massive, massive pick me's and throw women under the bus.
00:27:46
Speaker
And they see themselves as like, oh, there's only room for one woman at the table.
00:27:51
Speaker
And that's going to be me.
00:27:52
Speaker
And I'm going to cut all you other bitches down kind of thing, right?
00:27:54
Speaker
And so we're going to get to that type of woman later in the episode.
00:27:57
Speaker
That's not the type of woman I'm talking about here.
00:27:59
Speaker
I'm talking about
00:28:00
Speaker
I want to talk about an example of a woman who has been a mentor to me for many years, Maureen from HR.
00:28:05
Speaker
She listens to the podcast, by the way.
00:28:07
Speaker
So shout out to Maureen from HR.
00:28:08
Speaker
She's a director of HR at a company that I work for.
00:28:11
Speaker
When I got my first leadership role, what had happened is like,
00:28:15
Speaker
She's a magnificent woman.
00:28:16
Speaker
Okay.
00:28:17
Speaker
She has this like maternal energy.
00:28:19
Speaker
When she speaks, people listen, even men, like we would be in meetings.
00:28:23
Speaker
And like, if a man was talking, she would just interrupt him and start talking over him or like men didn't dare interrupt her.
00:28:29
Speaker
Right.
00:28:30
Speaker
And I remember just like looking at her and being like, wow, like, I want to be just like Maureen.
00:28:35
Speaker
She is dope.
00:28:37
Speaker
Yeah, so I, you know, ended up sort of like, you know, just being like, oh, like, you know, I'm new here.
00:28:43
Speaker
Like, you want to be my mentor kind of thing.
00:28:45
Speaker
And so like, and she was so happy to like, take me under her wing.
00:28:48
Speaker
And she actually helped me get a promotion.
00:28:50
Speaker
Like, so it can pay off.
00:28:52
Speaker
Like, it really can.
00:28:53
Speaker
It's a, it's one of those things of like a future investment thing where like, if you invest in pledging your loyalty to her and being one of her minions kind of thing, she'll lift you up.
00:29:02
Speaker
It's like a rising tide lifts all boats kind of situation.
00:29:06
Speaker
But yeah, like the first scenario, try to establish a quid pro quo.
00:29:11
Speaker
Make her look good.
00:29:12
Speaker
She'll raise you up.
00:29:14
Speaker
The corresponding Robert Green law here is law number one, never outshine the master.
00:29:19
Speaker
I mean, it's not an exact one-to-one comparison.
00:29:22
Speaker
It's a little bit different.
00:29:23
Speaker
But yeah, basically, don't try to...
00:29:27
Speaker
I've noticed this problem where like some women they'll enter a workplace and there's a woman who's better than her and they're like, I must destroy her.
00:29:32
Speaker
That's a bad reflex.
00:29:34
Speaker
You know, it's better if you find a woman who's better than you and she's a generally decent person.
00:29:38
Speaker
Instead of being like, I need to take her down or I need to be the queen, shift your mindset to I want to learn from her and I want to and I want her protection kind of thing.
00:29:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:29:47
Speaker
And it can also be like, it doesn't always have to be like a queen-servant relationship.
00:29:53
Speaker
It can also be like a lateral relationship as well.
00:29:56
Speaker
I've been quite fortunate to have, for most of my career, only worked in all female teams, which I would 100% recommend.
00:30:05
Speaker
If you can, get into a team that is just like full of women, ambitious women.
00:30:10
Speaker
There's just nothing like it.
00:30:11
Speaker
But anyway...
00:30:12
Speaker
All-female workplaces are always bomb.
00:30:14
Speaker
I've never worked in an all-female workplace that sucks.
00:30:17
Speaker
Granted, I've heard some horror stories from nurses, but generally... Apart from retail, retail might be a bit dodgy, but I think that might be more because of the retail environment as opposed to the actual women, possibly.
00:30:30
Speaker
Yeah, I find like an all-female environment is much better, but I find like a mixed sex, that's when it kind of gets dicey because a lot of women, even women who are generally nice and like good people are not malicious, a lot of women do unfortunately still have that female socialization of trying to pander to men and... Yeah, the pick me, the workplace pick me.
00:30:49
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:30:50
Speaker
Like some women, you know, even if they're not a horrible person, some women will still like throw other women under the bus.
00:30:55
Speaker
I know some people will be like, if she throws under the women under the bus, she's a horrible person.
00:30:59
Speaker
But like, even then I'll try to, I try to give women the benefit of the doubt.
00:31:02
Speaker
I'm much less forgiving with men.
00:31:04
Speaker
But even with women who make mistakes or who do things I don't agree with, I try to be as like, again, strategic empathy.
00:31:09
Speaker
Yeah, I just wanted to rant real quick, because I've been on both sides of this coin, where either I'm the more powerful woman, and there's a woman who's like, I want to destroy you, or where I'm the less powerful woman.
00:31:20
Speaker
So when I'm the less powerful woman, and I see a woman as a good leader, yeah, I pledge allegiance to the queen.
00:31:25
Speaker
And it's unfortunate, when I'm in a leadership position, and I have a female subordinate who is like, oh, I have to destroy you, or like, is constantly trying to like, undermine me.
00:31:35
Speaker
I just want to rant about those kinds of women because I want to say that is a losing fucking mentality.
00:31:40
Speaker
Okay.
00:31:40
Speaker
If you look at a woman who is better than you and you think I want to destroy her, you are a loser and you will always be a loser.
00:31:47
Speaker
Okay.
00:31:48
Speaker
Like, so if you see a woman who's better than you, you're much better off.
00:31:51
Speaker
It is a much more winning strategy to try to emulate her, to try to be on her team and reap the benefits of that relationship.
00:31:59
Speaker
Yeah, I agree.
00:32:01
Speaker
And also, just to add another perspective as well, it's also knowing what you bring to the table.
00:32:06
Speaker
Just because you are a subordinate in the organisational structure, that doesn't mean that you can't teach her things as well.
00:32:14
Speaker
So an example I can think of is when I was working on a project relating to race equality.
00:32:20
Speaker
It's like a company that I worked for and my line manager was white.
00:32:24
Speaker
And she would often defer to me for insights into racial issues, into how to word things.
00:32:30
Speaker
And that particular exchange, it deepened our relationship because it also made me realise that, like, hey, I've got something unique to add.
00:32:37
Speaker
It also meant that she trusted me more as well because she knew that I had a skill set that she didn't have.
00:32:43
Speaker
Just because somebody is higher up in the organisation to you, especially if you're a younger person, a lot of senior managers, they start to lose perspective.
00:32:51
Speaker
on different things, especially if it's relating to young people or if it's relating to people from a different racial background.
00:32:57
Speaker
So you don't have to act like a peasant as well to get people to like you.
00:33:02
Speaker
You can also know your own value and your own experiences and own perspectives because that is also really, really valuable to people that you work with, even if they're senior managers.
00:33:12
Speaker
You can also tap into your own skills and see how you can be of benefit to them.
00:33:16
Speaker
So it can also be a lateral relationship as well as giving them the respect
00:33:20
Speaker
of you know someone who's senior and who can teach you things too that's actually such a good point and in fact i'd say this is a good vetting strategy to identify good leaders because good leaders know to have people on their team who have a variety of skill sets including skill sets that they might not have and so yeah like that's what i mean about quid pro quo it's not like you're being a servant and being a peasant it's like you're actually adding value to her life and when you do that she will add value to your life
00:33:46
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:33:46
Speaker
And if they get funny about you knowing more than them, that's a red flag.
00:33:49
Speaker
Exactly.
00:33:50
Speaker
So we'll get to toxic female leaders in rule number four.
00:33:53
Speaker
Yeah, because the strategy for if a woman is more powerful, you and toxic, it is a completely different strategy.
00:33:59
Speaker
But we'll get there.
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Speaker
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00:35:06
Speaker
And back to the show.
00:35:09
Speaker
Rule number three is influence other women by leading from example.
00:35:14
Speaker
Now, again, in my personal experience, I find women tend to respond very negatively when other women are being bossy, you know, quote unquote bossy.
00:35:24
Speaker
We were talking to Elle and Elle was talking about how, you know, often when she enters a workplace environment, sometimes she'll have conflicts with other women because she's
00:35:33
Speaker
Elle, you know, she's very, she's a very strong woman.
00:35:35
Speaker
She, you know, she's, I like, I like these qualities in her.
00:35:38
Speaker
I like how she, you know, takes charge.
00:35:40
Speaker
That's something I admire.
00:35:41
Speaker
But some women will look at that and see that as a threat, basically.
00:35:44
Speaker
Even in cases where I have like a female subordinate, I try really hard not to be too like authoritarian or like,
00:35:52
Speaker
you know, commanding or bossy, I rely much more on social contagion.
00:35:57
Speaker
And I've actually had really great success by it's basically leading from example, right?
00:36:02
Speaker
So the paver that you want to see in your female subordinates, you have to be that, right?
00:36:07
Speaker
And then if you are what other people, you know, admire, then they'll just naturally want to follow you, you know, no coercion, no
00:36:14
Speaker
threatening anything needed.
00:36:16
Speaker
The thing with management though is so often people get promoted based on the fact that they're good at one position, but they're not necessarily good as management at management.
00:36:25
Speaker
And that's why you get so many people who are in management who nobody really admires, everyone like hates working for, they're tyrants, they're condescending.
00:36:32
Speaker
And then they, you know, they start to react negatively to everyone.
00:36:36
Speaker
So just, just
00:36:38
Speaker
putting my two cents in.
00:36:38
Speaker
I mean, again, that's a toxic leader.
00:36:40
Speaker
So I'm of the view that leadership is a skill just like any other.
00:36:45
Speaker
And some people might be better at it than others.
00:36:48
Speaker
Like some people might just be naturally more suited to the, you know, the specific skills that good leaders tend to have.
00:36:56
Speaker
But that doesn't mean that it's impossible for people who might not be as naturally gifted to learn them.
00:37:02
Speaker
It's the same as learning an instrument, right?
00:37:03
Speaker
Like,
00:37:04
Speaker
anyone can learn how to play piano, right?
00:37:06
Speaker
Like, even if you're not naturally good at learning piano, you can still learn how to play piano.
00:37:09
Speaker
Yes, there will be some people who are just star piano players, and they go on to become, you know, famous.
00:37:15
Speaker
But that doesn't mean that, like, you know, if you're not naturally gifted, it's impossible to learn.
00:37:18
Speaker
And I think these kinds of leadership skills, more women need to learn these kinds of positive leadership skills.
00:37:23
Speaker
I think that would serve you in not just your workplace, but also in your friendships and your family and so on.
00:37:29
Speaker
I was going to say, I think a good leadership strategy is, and one that I found really, really good success with is Primus Interpare, which is first among equals.
00:37:42
Speaker
It's how the British government should operate, but we know there are...
00:37:45
Speaker
hot mess.
00:37:46
Speaker
But yeah, that's the concept of the British government is that the Prime Minister is the first among equals.
00:37:52
Speaker
And that means everybody, you know, feels like they are part of the team and that their contribution is valid.
00:37:58
Speaker
I think the traditional leadership structure of I'm the boss and you're the servant is quickly becoming redundant, especially as people begin to see or especially as people begin to expect their workplace to provide basic things such as a sense of well-being and sense of community.
00:38:13
Speaker
So I would definitely recommend looking into that, into that style of leadership.
00:38:17
Speaker
In fact, that's the only, that is to me the only good style of, I mean, there's other, maybe there's other styles of leadership that are fun, but that's my favorite.
00:38:24
Speaker
But to wrap up point three, like, I know it's like cliched, but like, be the change you want to see in the world.
00:38:28
Speaker
Lead by example, lead by social contagion, which by the way, women are more susceptible, I find, to social contagion than men just in general.
00:38:36
Speaker
So yeah.
00:38:36
Speaker
That's a pro tip.
00:38:37
Speaker
But yeah, to wrap that up, like basically, don't be a tyrant.
Dealing with Toxic Individuals
00:38:40
Speaker
A good queen knows to grant favors to her supporters, let's just say.
00:38:44
Speaker
So rule number four, and this is about toxic women.
00:38:47
Speaker
Okay, rule number four is all about toxic women.
00:38:49
Speaker
So it is stay friendly, but distant from toxic women.
00:38:53
Speaker
And by toxic, I mean, competitive, jealous, they get you wrapped up in their drama, or on the extreme end, some are just straight up like narcissists and sociopaths.
00:39:03
Speaker
The problem with
00:39:04
Speaker
narcissists and sociopaths and psychopaths and so on, is that they lack a conscience and they will do things and they will go to places so low that any normal person, like they will go to places that you can't even think of or that you don't want to go, right?
00:39:18
Speaker
Here's the problem.
00:39:19
Speaker
It's like you cannot win against them unless you yourself also lack a conscience.
00:39:23
Speaker
And even then it's high risk, very low reward.
00:39:26
Speaker
What's the saying that never try to fight with sociopaths because they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience?
00:39:33
Speaker
No, that's stupid people.
00:39:35
Speaker
Yeah, don't argue with... I mean, it's a similar principle.
00:39:39
Speaker
Don't argue with stupid people.
00:39:40
Speaker
They'll drag you down to the level and beat you with the experience.
00:39:43
Speaker
Same thing with sociopaths.
00:39:44
Speaker
It's like, unless you yourself are also a sociopath, and even then, I find the most explosive conflicts tend to be, with the most collateral damage, tend to be between two sociopaths or two narcissists.
00:39:55
Speaker
And those I generally avoid because, again, the harm vastly, vastly, vastly, vastly
00:40:02
Speaker
outweighs the reward.
00:40:04
Speaker
The other problem with these types of toxic people is like, the closer you get to them, the more in danger you are of being their target.
00:40:12
Speaker
With narcissists, especially like my strategy dealing with narcissists is to remain an audience member.
00:40:17
Speaker
Narcissists, they care a lot about their image.
00:40:20
Speaker
And so, you know, a lot of women who've been subjected to narcissistic abuse, they point out that, you know, why is he so much nicer to
00:40:27
Speaker
to people in public and then behind closed doors, he treats me like shit.
00:40:31
Speaker
That's because narcissists are very concerned with public image.
00:40:33
Speaker
They want the rest of the world to have a very high opinion of them, but their victim is someone that they can offload all of their abuse and all their mistreatment onto, right?
00:40:41
Speaker
So if in the workplace, for example, or in like a social situation, try to stay an audience member.
00:40:46
Speaker
That is the best way to get a narcissist to treat you well, unfortunately.
00:40:49
Speaker
Okay, so maybe discussion about that a little bit further.
00:40:52
Speaker
So let's say you just have, because for whatever reason, sometimes I trigger the fuck out of these people.
00:40:57
Speaker
probably because i say things yeah you know y'all know how i am um i find these people target me no because i'm a very compassionate person deep down honestly i think narcissists prey on me and always have like my whole life like they're just drawn to me as like a target and use emotional manipulation on me and until i found fds i would fall for that shit every fucking time yeah okay so yeah sorry go ahead bro
00:41:21
Speaker
No, no.
00:41:21
Speaker
I mean, it's a discussion because I've had the opposite problem where, well, I had a similar problem where it just, I have no, like, I just don't know what it is about me that sets some of these people off.
00:41:30
Speaker
But then it's just like a massive, like constant over-focus on everything I'm doing.
00:41:35
Speaker
And I'm like, and it could be jealousy.
00:41:38
Speaker
See, probably because they see you as a threat.
00:41:40
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:41:41
Speaker
I don't want to sound like I'm trying to flex, but a lot of times you're just like minding your business, right?
00:41:44
Speaker
And then what do you do with people like that?
00:41:46
Speaker
Because it's like, I had a crazy coworker like told people I was stealing from her.
00:41:51
Speaker
What?
00:41:51
Speaker
At one point, I was new on the job.
00:41:54
Speaker
Not to mention beyond fucking racist.
00:41:55
Speaker
And then I'm like, first of all, I don't know why I would steal shit off your desk or whatever.
00:42:00
Speaker
It was really dumb.
00:42:01
Speaker
I don't know.
00:42:02
Speaker
I ended up just leaving that job because my manager was clueless at the time.
00:42:05
Speaker
I was like, okay, we're supposed to work together.
00:42:09
Speaker
And he's just a clueless dude who just does not see any type of female microaggression.
00:42:13
Speaker
And she had him all the way wrapped around his finger.
00:42:15
Speaker
And I met his wife and I figured out, yeah, this dude's clueless.
00:42:17
Speaker
I mean, narcissists will do that sort of like that what the whole accusing you of stealing, I consider that like an extension of the smear campaign that they do.
00:42:25
Speaker
And narcissists generally will use that against someone that they perceive as a threat.
00:42:28
Speaker
So I'm not sure what you what you did before that, or like, you know, even if you're minding your own business, it's like sometimes if you get off on the wrong foot with a narcissist, and they're like, they can just sense like, oh, she has too much power, I have to take her down kind of thing.
00:42:38
Speaker
She hated, like, all of the rest of the coworkers, too.
00:42:41
Speaker
Like, I don't know, for some reason, like, she got everyone outside of our department to like her, but everyone, all of the people who worked with her directly hated her.
00:42:48
Speaker
So it was really weird.
00:42:49
Speaker
We're like, the people outside of the department thought we were bullying her, and then people in the department...
00:42:54
Speaker
No, but that's the thing.
00:42:55
Speaker
Narcissists are very good at manipulating social situations like that.
00:42:58
Speaker
And that's what I mean.
00:42:58
Speaker
Like the closer that you are to a narcissist, the worse you are.
00:43:02
Speaker
True.
00:43:02
Speaker
It's true.
00:43:03
Speaker
So all the people within your team went to work with her closely.
00:43:06
Speaker
They all knew what she was actually like.
00:43:07
Speaker
They all saw the dark side of her.
00:43:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:10
Speaker
But narcissists do this weird like performance and dance so that outsiders looking in...
00:43:15
Speaker
It was to the point where she bought herself a birthday.
00:43:17
Speaker
She didn't tell anybody it was her birthday.
00:43:18
Speaker
And then she bought herself a birthday cake and didn't invite anybody in our department, but then only invited people outside of the department.
00:43:23
Speaker
Like, because she was like, we were bullying her.
00:43:26
Speaker
It was the craziest shit I've ever seen.
00:43:28
Speaker
Like, this is a grown adult person.
00:43:30
Speaker
I mean, that's another bully tactic is like, and Lundy talks about this in his book, how people with like an abusive mentality are very good at reversing
00:43:39
Speaker
aggressor and victim.
00:43:40
Speaker
And so they'll try to make themselves seem like the victim.
00:43:43
Speaker
They'll attack someone.
00:43:44
Speaker
And then if the other person fights back, that's when they go, Oh my gosh, like, why are you attacking me and like play the victim.
00:43:49
Speaker
So that sounds like at least that's what you're saying there kind of echoes that.
00:43:52
Speaker
That's what happened.
00:43:53
Speaker
I left that job.
00:43:54
Speaker
Thank God.
00:43:55
Speaker
But yeah.
00:43:56
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:43:56
Speaker
If you're in a workplace where a narcissist is ruling the roost or a sociopath is ruling the roost, get the fuck out of there.
00:44:02
Speaker
Okay, you cannot win.
00:44:03
Speaker
The closer you get to them, the more you will lose.
00:44:05
Speaker
The more you succeed, the more they'll try to tear you down.
00:44:09
Speaker
The only way in their mind to the only way to avoid their wrath is by just like not threatening them or just like, you know, keeping your head down.
00:44:15
Speaker
But then you're not going to advance your career.
00:44:17
Speaker
So that's why it's not worth to be around them.
00:44:19
Speaker
Facts.
00:44:20
Speaker
But here's the thing, like, it can be really hard to detect narcissists, sociopaths and other toxic people, other than like the usual, like, say no, and then but here's the thing, the usual, if I'm dating someone, and I say no, or I have a boundary, and the other person gets angry about that.
00:44:33
Speaker
The problem is, if you use that in the workplace, you have say no, or have a boundary, that's when you've made an enemy of the narcissist, right?
00:44:38
Speaker
So I find like, in my personal experience, at least the best way, or the best red flag of a sociopath, narcissist or other toxic person, without getting on their bad side,
00:44:50
Speaker
is the Cartman drama triangle.
00:44:53
Speaker
Now in the show notes, I'm going to link a video that does a really good job explaining the Cartman drama triangle, because I could do a whole episode just on that.
00:45:00
Speaker
Is this South Park?
00:45:01
Speaker
I'm dying.
00:45:02
Speaker
No, no, no, no, this is different.
00:45:03
Speaker
Oh, no, no.
00:45:05
Speaker
So Cartman drama triangle, it's like, it's a triangle.
00:45:08
Speaker
So there's three participants.
00:45:10
Speaker
There's the aggressor, the victim and the rescuer.
00:45:14
Speaker
Or the villain, the victim, and the rescuer.
00:45:17
Speaker
So very often, if I'm entering a new social situation, I'll have a woman approach me and she'll give me some kind of sob story about how someone else in the office is bullying her.
00:45:26
Speaker
You know, she'll try to rope me into her drama, basically, and try to get me to be her rescuer.
00:45:31
Speaker
Or in other cases, they'll like, this is worse, actually, is they'll label you the aggressor, even if you haven't done anything, and themselves the victim and try to get other people to gang up on you and have other people be the rescuer.
00:45:43
Speaker
Don't get caught up in other people's drama.
00:45:45
Speaker
Like, this is a red fucking flag.
00:45:46
Speaker
If a woman approaches you and tries to get you involved in some kind of like drama triangle where there's one person who's the villain, like they're trying to villainize someone and you don't even know who they are, or, you know, trying to make a victim out of someone who's kind of shitty, or they're trying to get you to be their rescuer, anything like that.
00:46:01
Speaker
fucking run that is like that's when i when someone tries to do that that's when i put up a wall between them and just be friendly but distant because yeah like the the danger in that is that the drama triangle has constantly shift shifting roles and so i find a lot of women will get caught up in the sob story and they'll be and they'll you know
00:46:19
Speaker
It's how toxic people often make allies.
00:46:22
Speaker
And so they'll try to get you to do their dirty work, basically, where like they have a conflict with someone else and they try to get someone else to gang up on the other person, right?
00:46:31
Speaker
The reason why it's dangerous is that the roles are constantly shifting.
00:46:35
Speaker
And so even if you come in as a rescuer and you think that you're being the good guy, she will not hesitate to make a villain out of you if it suits her.
00:46:43
Speaker
So avoid people like that who try to get you caught up in these kinds of drama triangles.
00:46:47
Speaker
Now, okay, so I want to talk about like the limited circumstances where it may be worth it to engage in a conflict with these sorts of women.
Power and Manipulation in Professional Settings
00:46:56
Speaker
One, political pick me's.
00:46:58
Speaker
So, you know, I don't want to like, I don't know if I want to name names, but you
00:47:02
Speaker
You know, there are certain women in politics who gain considerable influence and power by throwing women under the bus and advancing male interests, where they basically, it's like a female face for like a male agenda.
00:47:15
Speaker
An example actually would be like the female family court judges in the Lundy Bancroft episode.
00:47:19
Speaker
A lot of women like that will rise to the highest echelons of power by serving male interests.
00:47:25
Speaker
That's one situation where it can be worth it to basically form an alliance of other women who also hate her to take her down because the harm that she's doing is so high that it may be worth it to take down someone who's really powerful and oppressive like that.
00:47:41
Speaker
But it's hard.
00:47:42
Speaker
It can be done, but it's hard.
00:47:43
Speaker
I want to talk about the three main weaknesses of this type of woman, the type of woman who gains power and influence from men by tearing down other women, also known as like the, you know, Queen Bee, like office tyrant.
00:47:54
Speaker
That's another example, actually.
00:47:55
Speaker
So they have three weaknesses that I've identified.
00:47:58
Speaker
One, her success is usually dependent on giving men sexual access.
00:48:03
Speaker
And it's kind of unfortunate.
00:48:04
Speaker
And like, I think it's actually very unfortunate that men gatekeep positions of power on the basis of like, women sucking their dick or whatever, you know, like Harvey Weinstein.
00:48:13
Speaker
Yo.
00:48:14
Speaker
I'm trying to think I could tell this story without too many identifying details.
00:48:17
Speaker
But yes, I had a similar situation where a woman on a team rose to the ranks seemingly overnight.
00:48:26
Speaker
And we found out later it was because of sexual favors to a very...
00:48:32
Speaker
influential man on said team.
00:48:34
Speaker
And she was straight up, she was a political operator, like a straight up narcissist, like exactly the type of people we're talking about.
00:48:42
Speaker
Like when we say a fake kind of girl boss, that is very microaggressive to all the other women in the office.
00:48:46
Speaker
So like the way she started in on this was like doing little things to antagonize women or so discord between the powerful men in the office and the other women.
00:48:57
Speaker
And then she swooped in with the sex.
00:49:00
Speaker
It was fucked up.
00:49:01
Speaker
But yeah, but it was successful for her.
00:49:02
Speaker
But it was, I mean, it was a short lived project.
00:49:04
Speaker
Yeah, but go ahead.
00:49:05
Speaker
I'll go into why that's a weakness, actually.
00:49:07
Speaker
I mean, it's a it's one of the it's a short term strategy, like short term, she might be able to get a few promotions out of that.
00:49:13
Speaker
The reason why it's a weakness is because as soon as she ages out of being fuckable, and if she has no other redeeming qualities, she loses her power.
00:49:20
Speaker
So I'll give you an example, actually, of a manager that I had, she
00:49:24
Speaker
It was basically like the female equivalent of like the Peter principle, you know, like the Peter principle where a man like gets promoted to the level of incompetence and like can't get promoted any further than that because they're not actually that good at their job.
00:49:37
Speaker
There's like a sort of like a female equivalent of it.
00:49:40
Speaker
I don't know if we want to call it like the Patricia, the Patricia principle where...
00:49:45
Speaker
Not her real name, by the way.
00:49:46
Speaker
But basically, this particular manager, she had basically gotten to the manager that even though she was like bad at her job and not a good leader, she'd gotten this managerial role basically because yeah, she was, you know, had previously been sleeping with the CEO.
00:49:59
Speaker
But she basically like aged out of being fuckable.
00:50:03
Speaker
And so I found it really like cringy and painful, you know, seeing her like interact with the CEO and being like, haha.
00:50:09
Speaker
Brian, you're so funny, kind of thing.
00:50:10
Speaker
And him just sort of being like, ugh, like, you know, get away from me kind of thing.
00:50:14
Speaker
Like, he's trying to... It's like, ugh, it's cringy.
00:50:16
Speaker
Anyways, but this particular woman, she'd reached... She'd, like, peaked.
00:50:20
Speaker
And to be fair, like, she actually was still quite attractive, but she was 40.
00:50:23
Speaker
And so, like, again, men... Male sexual depravity.
00:50:26
Speaker
Basically, this woman, she...
00:50:28
Speaker
she did this thing where she would just like bully any women who were like rising stars or who she saw as like competition.
00:50:35
Speaker
She would like just believe women who were like either like more pretty or more successful or more talented or, you know, anyone that she saw as like a potential rising star, potential threat.
00:50:43
Speaker
So she, uh, and I was one of those, I was one of those women that she bullied.
00:50:48
Speaker
So, um, I'm not, I'm not bitter about that at all.
00:50:51
Speaker
Still.
00:50:51
Speaker
Um,
00:50:52
Speaker
But yeah, so the reason why this is a weakness, again, is because once she's no longer of like sexual use to the men who, you know, to her male patrons, so to speak, that's when she loses her power.
00:51:02
Speaker
The second weakness of these types of women is that other women usually hate her.
00:51:07
Speaker
And we'll jump at any opportunity to join forces with you to take her down.
00:51:11
Speaker
And that was actually pretty much what I did in this case is like, actually, let me get to strip weakness three, because we we used all three strategies.
00:51:19
Speaker
So weakness number three is that her power comes from men who tend to only support women when they serve their interests.
00:51:26
Speaker
And as soon as that woman is no longer useful to them, they'll again, she loses her protection.
00:51:30
Speaker
What was weakness two?
00:51:31
Speaker
So the first I thought weakness one was the sleeping around thing.
00:51:33
Speaker
Yeah, so weakness one is sleep around.
00:51:35
Speaker
Actually, I just want to sidebar.
00:51:36
Speaker
I think it's unfair how any successful women, men often accuse them, oh, she's like slept her way to the top.
00:51:41
Speaker
Not all successful women sleep their way to the top.
00:51:43
Speaker
I just want to be very clear about that.
00:51:45
Speaker
But there are some women.
00:51:46
Speaker
Most don't.
00:51:47
Speaker
Most don't.
00:51:47
Speaker
But there are some cases of women who are...
00:51:50
Speaker
You know, not very good at their jobs, but who do get promotions on the basis of granting men sexual access.
00:51:56
Speaker
But anyway, so yeah, just to recap, weakness one, her power is dependent on sexual access.
00:52:02
Speaker
Weakness two is other women usually hate her and will jump at any opportunity to join forces with other women to take her down.
00:52:08
Speaker
And three, her power comes from men.
00:52:11
Speaker
And these sorts of men, they tend to only support women on the condition that she is serving their interests.
00:52:16
Speaker
So for example, like she's like a female face for like a male agenda.
00:52:21
Speaker
But as soon as they, these men decide that she's more of a liability than an asset, they will withdraw support.
00:52:26
Speaker
And so that was basically how in this particular office, she ended up, she didn't get fired, but she was pretty much like pressured to resign on,
00:52:36
Speaker
And left that job basically because me and all the other women that she was bullying, we just sort of like formed our own little clique to... I feel bad admitting this, but yeah, we basically like joined forces and started undermining her.
00:52:48
Speaker
And then the men at the top basically was like, ugh, like we're going to get a lawsuit if we keep letting this woman be a manager.
00:52:56
Speaker
Yeah, she ended up leaving.
00:52:57
Speaker
So...
00:52:58
Speaker
But again, like limited circumstances where you can take down some of these kinds of women.
00:53:03
Speaker
And if you do decide to go that route, understand the weaknesses of these kinds of like political pick me's.
00:53:08
Speaker
Does that make sense?
00:53:09
Speaker
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
00:53:10
Speaker
Cool.
00:53:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:53:12
Speaker
And so my final point, rule number five is exclude women who betray you or other women.
Friendship and Social Circles
00:53:18
Speaker
Now, this is the meanest one of all the five.
00:53:20
Speaker
But hear me out, hear me out.
00:53:21
Speaker
I know that the word to exclude is like a dirty word.
00:53:24
Speaker
You know, I've often been told like, oh, you know, you're excluding people like that's girl bullying.
00:53:29
Speaker
In fact, in high school, there was all these like anti-bullying campaigns.
00:53:33
Speaker
And one of the points I remember was like, oh, boys tend to like bully others like physically by beating each other up and girls tend to bully others by excluding them.
00:53:41
Speaker
I think it's delusional when people say like, oh, everything, people have to be inclusive because even the most inclusive organizations aren't inclusive of everybody.
00:53:48
Speaker
Like everybody excludes something.
00:53:50
Speaker
The issue is, is that it used to be based on really arbitrary mean factors like race, sexual orientation, things like that, that are not bulliable things.
00:54:01
Speaker
They're just a variation of human experience.
00:54:03
Speaker
But like, if it's based on behavior, fuck them.
00:54:06
Speaker
Exactly.
00:54:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:54:09
Speaker
The reason why I'm bitter about this is because in high school, there were times where there was a girl who was either being mean to me or just rude or just like unsociable and like not fun to be around was just a vibe kill.
00:54:18
Speaker
And I just didn't want to hang out with her.
00:54:20
Speaker
Other people didn't want to hang out with her.
00:54:21
Speaker
And there were times where like school admins will like sit down and be, oh, I hear you're bullying people by excluding so and so.
00:54:27
Speaker
I'm like, I'm not doing fucking shit.
00:54:29
Speaker
I'm just hanging out with my tribe.
00:54:30
Speaker
You know, I don't like being forced to include people that I don't like.
00:54:34
Speaker
You know, and it's I know that it's seen as a dirty word or it's seen as girl bullying or whatever.
00:54:38
Speaker
But I want to be very clear as women, you are allowed to have boundaries and you are under no obligation to create space for people who treat you badly.
00:54:45
Speaker
And the other thing is when you include these sorts of toxic people, you're actually excluding good people because good people want to leave situations where there are toxic people.
00:54:54
Speaker
It's true.
00:54:54
Speaker
True.
00:54:55
Speaker
And these boundaries, you know, we often talk about that you need to vet people or vet, for example, men in particular on FDS.
00:55:04
Speaker
But this also applies to women as well.
00:55:06
Speaker
It's completely okay to vet women and to build your circle based on particular qualities and essentially values that you want your friends to have.
00:55:14
Speaker
And that's not a bad thing as well.
00:55:15
Speaker
You don't have to entertain people who aren't engaging with you in good faith, regardless of if they're a man or a woman.
00:55:23
Speaker
And sometimes I'll even go as far as to say some women, especially when it comes to relationships with other women, they could probably do with being a bit more ruthless as well in that regard.
00:55:34
Speaker
Because the impact that your friends or the people that you keep around you has on your development and wellbeing is immense.
00:55:41
Speaker
And ultimately, especially if we are, if everyone's in this whole take down the patriarchy thing together, you really, really want people who are, you know, 100% backing you in this.
00:55:53
Speaker
Yeah.
00:55:54
Speaker
Oh, and the other thing is like, understand that if you're a high value woman, it should be exclusive.
00:56:00
Speaker
Like there should be some element of exclusivity for people to have access to your time and your attention.
00:56:06
Speaker
I have this problem with like, patriarchy often defines a good woman, quote unquote, good woman is like someone who's endlessly self-sacrificial and always giving everything of herself to other people and so on.
00:56:16
Speaker
And I don't think that's a good thing.
00:56:18
Speaker
I think that's really self-destructive most of the time.
00:56:20
Speaker
It is okay to gatekeep
00:56:22
Speaker
which people have access to you.
00:56:23
Speaker
And in fact, like if you're a really high quality person, you should gatekeep.
00:56:26
Speaker
Okay, not everyone's entitled to your time.
00:56:30
Speaker
Yeah, so my problem with my one problem with excluding and the same thing with cliques, like, you know, I feel like exclusion and cliques are two things that women tend to like complain about with other women.
00:56:43
Speaker
I think they get kind of a bad rap mainly because my problem with cliques, for example, is that they tend to exclude or punish women who don't deserve it a lot of the time.
00:56:52
Speaker
And the cliques tend to remain small in number.
00:56:54
Speaker
Like it's just a small group of people, you know, small group of like maybe three, four, five women who are like excluding another woman.
00:57:01
Speaker
And so my, the way that I want to fix this is like, first of all, like excluding people on the basis of like, I don't know.
00:57:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:06
Speaker
Like race, like Rosette or like, um,
00:57:09
Speaker
Or just like, I mean, it could just even be some people like to have an aesthetic, right?
00:57:14
Speaker
I mean, that's basically the sorority thing.
00:57:16
Speaker
Yeah, true.
00:57:17
Speaker
It's just it's class, it's race, it's gatekeeping, cultural types of things.
00:57:23
Speaker
It's just that a lot of this is often very shallow based on nothing.
00:57:26
Speaker
And yes, they bully people for not conforming to.
00:57:30
Speaker
For no reason.
00:57:30
Speaker
Yeah.
00:57:31
Speaker
Or for not a good reason.
00:57:32
Speaker
Yeah, for basically no reason.
00:57:34
Speaker
And it's just toxic and it doesn't help anybody.
00:57:36
Speaker
It doesn't help you grow.
00:57:37
Speaker
It doesn't help you be a better person.
00:57:39
Speaker
It doesn't help your community be better by any stretch of the imagination.
00:57:42
Speaker
And then you end up – I feel like humanity as a whole loses out on quality advancements and quality people because people get bullied for no reason, right?
00:57:52
Speaker
If you're a very competent person, very smart person, but you're disabled, so then people don't want to hire you.
00:57:58
Speaker
Like you could be missing out on like a, you know, a Stephen Hawking level genius or something like that.
00:58:02
Speaker
There's just a lot of times where people start to take people's aesthetics or their outsides.
00:58:06
Speaker
Stephen Hawking's a scrub, but like their outsides and they don't focus on literally the insides.
00:58:10
Speaker
Like what are your values?
00:58:12
Speaker
I think it's, I think, and yeah,
00:58:14
Speaker
As God is my witness, especially with FDS, like we've tried so hard to really be like diverse in the way that we talk about a lot of different issues, but even like economically diverse, racially diverse, etc.
00:58:25
Speaker
But like the values are the things that should bring you together.
00:58:28
Speaker
I want to say, I'm sorry to cut you off, but I want to say like my ultimate dream with cliques is that to create a clique that includes literally every woman on the planet.
00:58:35
Speaker
That's my dream.
00:58:36
Speaker
That's the idealism.
00:58:37
Speaker
But unfortunately, that's not always possible.
00:58:39
Speaker
Like not all women are allies to the female cause.
00:58:42
Speaker
Next best thing that I'm willing to settle for is like create a large clique.
00:58:46
Speaker
That's the other problem with cliques as a small group, right?
00:58:48
Speaker
But there's strength in numbers.
00:58:49
Speaker
My next best goal, realistic goal, is to try to create a clique that...
00:58:54
Speaker
includes all of the like based queens you know fds minded or you know female advancement minded women i think will become a political force to be reckoned with if we ally with each other and not like exclude women on the basis of stupid shit like oh i just don't like your face or you know you're not rich or uh you know your race that i'm racist
00:59:14
Speaker
against or shit like that right like we should be yeah like rose said like we need to be including competent people include people who forward our cause of female advancement but i do think that excluding women who betray you and other women is very important because first of all unfortunately there's just some women where no matter what you do it's just not possible or even worth it to win them to your side i do try to win people to my side as much as possible but it's not always possible or even worth it so excluding women who betray you or other women first of all like
00:59:43
Speaker
you know, protects you.
00:59:44
Speaker
So there's like the self preservation aspect.
00:59:46
Speaker
Secondly, it sends a message of like, I think that social exclusion is actually very powerful consequence for people who'd like transgress the community.
00:59:57
Speaker
So if you're in a community, and there's someone who's like, who's just taking advantage of others, who's not contributing, who's undermining others, who's just being like a shitty person, I think casting them out of your community is a perfectly rational thing.
01:00:09
Speaker
And I hope that other people look to that and go like, oh, like, I don't want to be like that guy.
01:00:12
Speaker
So I should like contribute and not be a fucking freeloader or not be a fucking traitor.
01:00:16
Speaker
And even if you can't kick them out of the community, because sometimes that's not always possible, but you can personally distance yourself.
01:00:22
Speaker
And for me personally, even if I distance myself from somebody, especially if it's a woman, I still see all women as my kinfolk.
01:00:29
Speaker
And I'll still on a wider level still argue for her rights and her autonomy, even if we disagree vehemently on certain issues and on things like,
01:00:39
Speaker
politics or whatever but that's on a wider scale but in terms of like my own interactions I will just like limit my own personal interactions with them while still advocating for them sort of related to this is self-exclusion actually in some situations can also work to your benefit so for and I do this in so
01:00:57
Speaker
I do this in social situations more than I want to admit, basically where, and this relates to rule one, like find your tribe.
Impact of Self-Exclusion and Leaving Toxic Environments
01:01:03
Speaker
So if you're in a social group where you're having a conflict with someone and the people in the group like you more than the person that you're fighting with, one way that you can come out on top is self-exclusion.
01:01:13
Speaker
So like, oh, there's an event.
01:01:16
Speaker
I asked my friend, oh, is so-and-so going to be at that event?
01:01:18
Speaker
And they say, yes.
01:01:19
Speaker
I'm like, oh, okay, you know, sorry, I'm not going to come then kind of thing.
01:01:22
Speaker
And then if they don't like that person that much, or if they like you more, the other guy or the other woman is like the reason why actually most of the time I use this against a man, if they like me more than they like the other person, and I leave because of that person, and it's known that I've left because of that person, that group of people will turn on each other like a pack of hyenas.
01:01:38
Speaker
It's really entertaining when that happens.
01:01:40
Speaker
Yeah, so that's another example of like self exclusion or like, you know, another example be like out of work.
01:01:45
Speaker
This happened again, also, where I was in a workplace where I was being bullied.
01:01:49
Speaker
And when I eventually quit the my manager, the person who was bullying me, got fired like eight weeks later.
01:01:55
Speaker
Isn't that always the way every time I've left a toxic work environment, it literally implodes.
01:02:00
Speaker
It's so validating when the time you're like, am I crazy or are they crazy?
01:02:03
Speaker
And it takes a couple of like circumstances for me to realize, oh, no, no, no, it's them.
01:02:06
Speaker
I mean, especially if the other person is like your manager in the workplace, this is a very another sign of bad leadership is some managers, if they feel that their subordinate is a threat to them, they'll try to undermine them and put them down to the point where that person, if that person leaves, it's like, it's just stupid to bully your top performer, right?
01:02:25
Speaker
Like it just makes it's bad leadership, right?
01:02:27
Speaker
if you're a good manager, you'll want to guide that person, try to, you want to keep them on your team if they're a top performer and not otherwise like unproblematic, right?
01:02:36
Speaker
I find some toxic people just like, they're just small minded.
01:02:39
Speaker
So they just think about like them versus like you as a threat.
01:02:42
Speaker
They don't think about the greater community.
01:02:45
Speaker
And that kind of sucks when that happens.
01:02:46
Speaker
But yeah, if you leave that kind of environment and in a way where it makes them look bad and you make it known, that's the other thing is like,
01:02:52
Speaker
I've made it very well known that I was leaving because of this specific person.
01:02:56
Speaker
So that ended up, of course their numbers dropped that month, duh, because like, if you're the top salesperson on that team, obviously, you know, your numbers are not going to be as good if you're like, I was actually twice as good as the second best salesperson in this particular environment.
01:03:11
Speaker
The sales targets, like a very large chunk of that was just my work alone.
01:03:15
Speaker
And so when I leave, like, obviously they're not going to meet their targets.
01:03:18
Speaker
Right.
01:03:18
Speaker
So, um,
01:03:20
Speaker
Yeah, so self-exclusion, that's another, if you're in a situation where like, you can't come out on top, and you're valuable, just leave and then let the other people suffer the wrath of your absence.
01:03:30
Speaker
Yeah, that's pretty much it.
01:03:31
Speaker
Do you guys have anything else you'd like to say?
01:03:32
Speaker
No, I think that's really good.
01:03:34
Speaker
I mean, that's really, really what FDS is all about creating practical strategies and ways forward.
01:03:39
Speaker
Yeah, thank you.
01:03:40
Speaker
Well, in conclusion, basically, I want to create like, almost like a feudal system of queens.
01:03:46
Speaker
Yeah.
01:03:50
Speaker
Lay out your manifesto.
01:03:51
Speaker
This is my manifesto.
01:03:53
Speaker
I want to take over the world with FDS queendom.
01:03:56
Speaker
And the way we'll do that is by all the other queens influencing other women in a positive way using non-toxic strategies.
01:04:04
Speaker
And that's how we're going to take over the world, basically, is through these five points.
01:04:08
Speaker
So yeah, thanks for listening, queens.
01:04:11
Speaker
Thanks for listening, queens.
01:04:12
Speaker
And please check out our website at femdatstrat, as well as our Instagram at underscore the female dating strategy.
01:04:19
Speaker
and our patreon patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy for weekly bonus content thanks for listening queens and for all you politically operative pick me is out there your reign of terror shall soon be ended your reign of terror is coming to an end yay see y'all next week