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What Women Can Learn from Male Entitlement
68 Plays9 months ago
The Queens break down audacity of male entitlement—when it’s reckless, when it’s strategic, and how women can borrow just enough of that confidence to level up their own lives.
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Transcript
Introduction to Male Entitlement and Power Dynamics
00:00:00
Speaker
Welcome back to the Female Dating Strategy, the meanest female-only dating podcast on the internet.
00:00:05
Speaker
I am your host, Diana.
00:00:07
Speaker
And I am Rose.
00:00:08
Speaker
And today we are discussing the glory of what we as women can do in learning from the power of male entitlement.
00:00:17
Speaker
We're going to learn from the boys today.
00:00:19
Speaker
Wow.
00:00:20
Speaker
We're going to learn from the boys.
00:00:22
Speaker
We're going to use the boys as a case study in really kind of learning how assiduously they cultivate power, the entitlement they feel to power, and how they're able to get what they want, even when nobody even likes them.
00:00:37
Speaker
a la Musk or Trump.
00:00:39
Speaker
And honestly, there's a lot we can learn from these sick and twisted individuals that would be to our advantage.
00:00:44
Speaker
So as Diana was mentioning in the pre-talk, just like we look at Shunza and the art of war, we don't have to become our enemies, but we must study them.
Challenges Women Face in Negotiation and Entitlement
00:00:52
Speaker
And that's what we're going to do today.
00:00:54
Speaker
Exactly.
00:00:54
Speaker
And I think that, you know, there's something to understand about how the male audacity in general is something that benefits them to out earn us, outlive us, and just in general, be like much happier than us.
00:01:07
Speaker
And I think that there is some value in understanding why this works so well for them.
00:01:11
Speaker
Like, I think it was like Lean In or something, right?
00:01:13
Speaker
The book by Sheryl Sandberg years ago.
00:01:15
Speaker
Yes.
00:01:15
Speaker
I mean, of course, I have many problems with that book.
00:01:18
Speaker
But at the same time, there was an element of truth to it in terms of that a lot of women refuse to negotiate in general when they're working.
00:01:25
Speaker
And it takes them a lot longer to make the same level of money that men do.
00:01:29
Speaker
And they work much longer to reach that level if they ever do.
00:01:32
Speaker
Men in general out earn us.
00:01:34
Speaker
If they ever do reach that level, it takes them much longer to do that.
00:01:38
Speaker
But I think a big part of it is that
00:01:40
Speaker
Women in general are not taught to ask for what they want.
00:01:42
Speaker
Because again, it's associated with rootlessness and selfishness.
00:01:46
Speaker
And like, how dare you?
00:01:48
Speaker
How dare you have the audacity?
00:01:49
Speaker
How dare you have the audacity to ask for what you want?
00:01:51
Speaker
How dare you ask for an orgasm or for a raise or for better treatment?
00:01:57
Speaker
Because again, it gets pushed back against women as entitlement, but it's not entitlement.
00:02:02
Speaker
Entitlement is when you feel ownership over something that doesn't actually belong to you.
00:02:07
Speaker
But wanting to be treated fairly, wanting to be treated equitably by your partner, wanting to be treated affectionately by your partner, this is not entitlement.
Biological Differences and Rest Needs
00:02:15
Speaker
This is the basis of human connection.
00:02:17
Speaker
Damn, Diana.
00:02:18
Speaker
I love when you say this.
00:02:19
Speaker
Honestly, like if you stop and just think about what you just said, it blows my mind.
00:02:23
Speaker
Like it is not entitlement to ask for respect and dignity.
00:02:29
Speaker
And yet that is what we women have been taught.
00:02:31
Speaker
Think about how fucking crazy that is.
00:02:33
Speaker
That respect and dignity is like asking for too much.
00:02:37
Speaker
What?
00:02:38
Speaker
And that's the thing, right?
00:02:39
Speaker
Like we had this thing in the forum about no standard shaming because the truth is that there are some women who have much higher needs for what they need to get their life in order, right?
00:02:49
Speaker
Like I know I'm a very demanding high maintenance woman, but I also know that I'm able to provide a standard quality of life for myself.
00:02:55
Speaker
That is kind of hard for a lot of men who are middle-class to achieve.
00:03:00
Speaker
Okay.
00:03:00
Speaker
If they're not hardworking, if they're not hustling.
00:03:02
Speaker
And so I don't really tolerate laziness in my partner because I know that if I tolerate that, then I'm the one that has to work extra hard.
00:03:09
Speaker
And I'm kind of lazy too.
00:03:10
Speaker
There can only be one of us and it's going to be me this time.
00:03:13
Speaker
It's going to be me.
00:03:15
Speaker
Correct.
00:03:17
Speaker
I can grow on as close to the sun and recognize that I'm also deserving of rest.
00:03:21
Speaker
And in general, women need rest more than men do.
00:03:24
Speaker
Yeah, because we lose blood every month.
00:03:26
Speaker
We bleed every month and we don't die.
00:03:27
Speaker
That automatically translates to we deserve and we must have more rest each
Case Studies of Musk and Trump
00:03:33
Speaker
month.
00:03:33
Speaker
Right.
00:03:34
Speaker
And when you look at men in leadership, right, like, again, you know, I was getting really pissed off watching Elon Musk parade his little child around with Trump and trying to pretend to be father of the year when it's like very obvious that like all of his baby mamas are like attacking him on X being like, when are you going to start sending child support?
00:03:48
Speaker
And like, why are you dodging my calls?
00:03:50
Speaker
And our child is sick.
00:03:51
Speaker
And like him sitting and acting like his father of the year, you know, to essentially perpetuate an image that's false.
00:03:56
Speaker
Yeah.
00:03:57
Speaker
Right.
00:03:57
Speaker
But it's effective with an audience because the two of them are very essentially masters at commanding narratives and even false narratives that people are very willing to buy.
00:04:05
Speaker
Because let me just like share this little anecdote of mine.
00:04:09
Speaker
So I was once at like a networking event with a classmate of mine from a school.
00:04:13
Speaker
Okay.
00:04:14
Speaker
And I remember when we introduced ourselves to the people, you know, she said something like, oh, you know, Diana is like this deity.
00:04:22
Speaker
She's like, you know, a beautiful goddess.
00:04:24
Speaker
And I'm like the raccoon you find in a garbage can.
00:04:27
Speaker
And I remember pulling her aside and I was like, oh, no.
00:04:31
Speaker
Look, first of all, I wanted to be like, I wanted to give her my tough Diana talkster and talk to and be like, that shit was cute in high school.
00:04:39
Speaker
It's not cute anymore.
00:04:40
Speaker
But what I told her was I was like, look, these
Confidence in Networking and First Impressions
00:04:42
Speaker
are strangers.
00:04:42
Speaker
This is the first time you are meeting them.
00:04:45
Speaker
The impression that you give them at your first meeting is what they're going to walk away with and what they're going to remember about you the next time you come.
00:04:51
Speaker
And I remember the next time we had the same event, people were like, oh my God, it's the raccoon.
00:04:56
Speaker
And I remember telling her, I was like, this is why when people meet you for the first time, they have no idea what you are.
00:05:02
Speaker
Projecting an image of strength only works in your favor, even if you think you're a weak ass.
00:05:06
Speaker
If you think you're a weak bitch, that's okay.
00:05:09
Speaker
It's okay.
00:05:10
Speaker
Don't show it.
00:05:11
Speaker
Yeah.
00:05:12
Speaker
You can feel it.
00:05:13
Speaker
It's about having a good poker face, right?
00:05:15
Speaker
Like, okay, you might have shit cards to deal with.
00:05:18
Speaker
That's fine.
00:05:18
Speaker
That's life, right?
00:05:19
Speaker
Like you might not have all your cards together.
00:05:21
Speaker
But to perfect that image of projecting strength, people will not try to rattle you because they don't think you're easy to intimidate.
00:05:29
Speaker
If you portray I'm insecure and I am weak and I don't know myself that well, the most malicious people in the world will try to find cracks because they already know there's a crack.
00:05:38
Speaker
They're just trying to find exactly where they can place an effective kick and completely have you crumble internally.
00:05:44
Speaker
Don't forget, women are automatically seen as weaker and more vulnerable.
00:05:49
Speaker
And so, you know, it's only a matter of time.
00:05:51
Speaker
So use the initial time up front to sort of secure and buttress your position from the jump.
00:05:58
Speaker
Because the sooner or later, it's going to come down the pipeline, right?
00:06:00
Speaker
And you're going to have to face it then.
00:06:01
Speaker
But like, don't be kicking off with that.
00:06:03
Speaker
That makes me so sad to hear that.
00:06:05
Speaker
But you know what, that was me too.
00:06:06
Speaker
Like, oh, I'm just, you know, this little nobody from nowhere.
00:06:10
Speaker
And that's the thing, predatory men, they look for women who lack self-esteem, but that's why they go for younger women.
00:06:15
Speaker
Because in general, younger women don't have such a fixed sense of self-worth.
00:06:19
Speaker
Like they're still figuring themselves out.
00:06:20
Speaker
They're still developing their self-image.
00:06:23
Speaker
And when you're at a very vulnerable stage in your life, these men come along, they're like, well, I know what it's like to be a young person, to be a person who's not as sure of myself, who doesn't know what the world looks like, who hasn't experienced much of life.
00:06:34
Speaker
And they take advantage of that person's inexperience.
00:06:36
Speaker
But if you're an older person, you're like, I'm struggling with projecting a sense of strength.
00:06:40
Speaker
I don't feel strong.
00:06:41
Speaker
It's okay to not feel strong.
Internal Validation in Creative Pursuits
00:06:43
Speaker
There's some truth to fake it till you make it.
00:06:45
Speaker
But you don't have to feel like you're faking it internally all the time.
00:06:49
Speaker
But it's important that when you make first impressions of people, remember that they don't know whether you're faking it or not.
00:06:54
Speaker
This is the thing I think it was like a euphoria quote or something, or one of the characters was like, the thing about confidence is nobody really knows whether you're faking it or not.
00:07:01
Speaker
Nobody knows from the outside.
00:07:02
Speaker
Nobody has any idea.
00:07:04
Speaker
You know, this is something I want to bring up.
00:07:05
Speaker
Like we call these sorts of males predators or abusers, and this is all accurate.
00:07:10
Speaker
But when I was growing up, the common parlance that was, we referred to them as con men.
00:07:15
Speaker
And con, of course, is short for confidence.
00:07:18
Speaker
It refers to confidence men.
00:07:19
Speaker
These men would embroil you.
00:07:21
Speaker
They would make you believe everything.
00:07:23
Speaker
And it was simply based on how confident they appeared.
00:07:27
Speaker
And that is still the case in this day and age.
00:07:29
Speaker
I mean, Musk and Trump both are like the most inconsequential, untalented people in the room, but you never know it from looking at how confidently they portray themselves, you know.
00:07:38
Speaker
And again, we're not saying that this is something that you have to fake in the sense that you feel like you're putting on a lie or an illusion.
00:07:46
Speaker
This is in the sense of we have to protect ourselves and project as much strength as we can in the world because men are always going to be coming for us.
00:07:54
Speaker
That's never going to change.
Influence of Early Life and Mentors
00:07:56
Speaker
But what can change is how we portray ourselves and how we position ourselves from the jump in order to have as much advantage as possible.
00:08:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:04
Speaker
And you know what?
00:08:05
Speaker
I always think about the fact that like, I mean, I'm sure these men have some rituals or something that they use to help themselves feel confident.
00:08:11
Speaker
Maybe Trump is like, oh, I have a beautiful wife.
00:08:13
Speaker
And maybe Musk is like, I don't know, I have a car.
00:08:15
Speaker
So I have no idea what Musk's whole thing is.
00:08:17
Speaker
Musk seems to be like the king of Dulululand.
00:08:19
Speaker
So maybe, you know, I think he's like the king of Dulululus, this is a Lulu.
00:08:22
Speaker
So...
00:08:24
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:08:25
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:25
Speaker
He might have started that shit.
00:08:27
Speaker
But I always think back to movies.
00:08:28
Speaker
But I always think about this part in Legally Blonde when like, what's her name?
00:08:31
Speaker
Elle Woods.
00:08:32
Speaker
Reese Witherspoon's character, Elle Woods.
00:08:34
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:34
Speaker
She gets hit on by that professor, right?
00:08:36
Speaker
And like she finds out that he just gave her the internship because she's hot.
00:08:40
Speaker
And then she leaves and like she runs into one of the Wilson brothers in like the lobby.
00:08:45
Speaker
And he's like, whoa, where are you going?
00:08:46
Speaker
And she's like, Luke Wilson.
00:08:48
Speaker
Yeah, Luke Wilson.
00:08:48
Speaker
I was like, one of the Wilson brothers.
00:08:50
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:50
Speaker
Thank you.
00:08:51
Speaker
Thank you.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:52
Speaker
And she leaves and she's like, I'm going to stop trying to pretend to be someone I'm not.
00:08:55
Speaker
And he's like, well, what if you are trying to be someone that you are?
00:08:59
Speaker
So when you first start doing the stuff, like when you first start trying to project confidence, it's going to feel phony because you're not used to it.
00:09:05
Speaker
You're not used to having to project an image of strength, you know?
00:09:09
Speaker
And I think recognizing that, well, what if I'm just trying to be someone that I am?
00:09:13
Speaker
Maybe this is who I am.
00:09:14
Speaker
And this is what I want to be.
00:09:15
Speaker
And I've been scared to be this person.
00:09:17
Speaker
It's a muscle, right?
00:09:18
Speaker
Like you don't just go to the gym one time and then walk out with like a six pack.
00:09:21
Speaker
It takes dedication and time.
00:09:23
Speaker
I wish, right?
00:09:24
Speaker
I mean, I really wish that's how it worked.
00:09:25
Speaker
I know.
00:09:26
Speaker
In our pre-talk, we were talking about this as well.
00:09:28
Speaker
I was saying to Diana that one of the part-time jobs I had didn't end up working out, which is disappointing for my ego.
00:09:34
Speaker
But at the same time, I wasn't liking the job anyway.
00:09:36
Speaker
And I was saying to her, you know, my life as a musician in the city has only ever been amazing.
00:09:44
Speaker
I mean, I've had to do no advertising.
00:09:46
Speaker
I haven't had any website.
00:09:47
Speaker
Literally, simply through word of mouth, I've created a successful career in spite of myself in the city as a musician.
00:09:54
Speaker
And I told her, I was like, when am I going to start believing enough in myself to just accept that, like, I'm an amazing musician.
00:10:00
Speaker
And this needs to be something that I pursue, you know, not just part time, but like, this is something that brings me so much joy, so much gratitude, I connect with people in ways that I can't otherwise, I shine in ways that even if I'm competent in other realms, there's nowhere where I am as much a rock star as I am when I'm on the stage, right?
00:10:18
Speaker
Like, I tend to be very Midwest humble.
00:10:21
Speaker
And it was literally beaten into my head to be modest.
00:10:25
Speaker
But honestly, when I'm on the stage, it's amazing what happens.
00:10:28
Speaker
I don't even know.
00:10:29
Speaker
It's like an alternate person comes out of me and I just fucking kill it, you know, but it's taken me this long.
00:10:34
Speaker
I'm in my early forties now.
00:10:36
Speaker
And it's like, maybe I can be successful as a musician.
00:10:39
Speaker
Maybe I really am just that good.
00:10:41
Speaker
And if I hadn't kept at it, even disbelieving that I was that good, I just kept at it because I loved it so much, you know, and now here we are.
00:10:49
Speaker
And I'm on the cusp of realizing like, I can live an amazing life and simply be the musician that I always have been.
00:10:55
Speaker
And that is mind blowing to me.
00:10:57
Speaker
And that's the thing, right?
00:10:57
Speaker
I think that when you learn to source your validation from internal validation, it's a big game changer.
00:11:03
Speaker
Because when I look at people like Trump and Elon Musk, right, let's take their early life, for example, it's very obvious that both of these men had incredibly unstable relationships with their fathers.
00:11:13
Speaker
And part of their drive and part of their desire to be seen as successful was in many ways to please their dads, right?
00:11:20
Speaker
Yes.
00:11:21
Speaker
Talk about daddy issues.
Crowd Psychology and Power Maintenance
00:11:23
Speaker
Diana, I'm sorry to look at everything that men says is projection.
00:11:27
Speaker
The clearest evidence to me is this daddy issues thing that they're always trying to like pin on women.
00:11:31
Speaker
And it's like most of these men I know that are so tortured that have such fucked up lives.
00:11:35
Speaker
It's because they're trying to prove something to daddy even after he's dead.
00:11:38
Speaker
Exactly.
00:11:39
Speaker
And I think that with Trump, I think he was really close to Roy Cohn early on, you know, and like, I think Roy Cohn really shaped his life a lot and like gave him the kind of paternal affection and mentorship that allowed him to kind of sharpen some of his skills a little bit.
00:11:55
Speaker
And I think that he had like a guiding hand in a way that maybe Elon didn't.
00:11:59
Speaker
Of course, I don't know much about Elon's personal life to know, but it seems like he was always more of like this reclusive nerd who had a point to prove to society and was like kind of like a Mark Zuckerberg kind of figure where he was like, I want to stick to society and prove that I'm much smarter than all of them.
00:12:11
Speaker
And like, again, coming from an external validation point of view, right?
00:12:14
Speaker
With Trump, I think he actually did have some amount of mentorship.
00:12:17
Speaker
I don't think he was completely devoid of that.
00:12:18
Speaker
If there's anything I take from that, I'm like, I would say finding good mentors can help a lot with your esteem as well.
00:12:24
Speaker
When you are being failed by your parents, and when you're being failed by your father, obviously, we can't control the kinds of parents that we have and what kind of role they take, you know, in our lives.
00:12:33
Speaker
But what we can do is be like, okay, well, I had shit mentors, I had shit role models, how can I actively find role models that will help me succeed and will help me give advice?
00:12:43
Speaker
Like, I'm still very close to my old boss and like many, many jobs ago.
00:12:47
Speaker
And I can always count on her because I trust her so much.
00:12:49
Speaker
I can always count on her for a phone call to give me advice about different kinds of litigation, financial stuff, tax stuff.
00:12:54
Speaker
Like I can always count her because she's done this before.
00:12:56
Speaker
She's run her own company.
00:12:57
Speaker
She's done her own thing.
00:12:58
Speaker
And so I can always count on her for, you know, advice.
00:13:01
Speaker
And like, she's always rooting for me, even if I don't work for her.
00:13:04
Speaker
And like, again, I'm taking his negative shit to something positive.
00:13:07
Speaker
But again, men who are successful, I think it's kind of like, I'm thinking of mean girls where they're like, they have their army of skanks.
00:13:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:13:15
Speaker
They're technically hot physique.
00:13:17
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:13:19
Speaker
You know.
00:13:20
Speaker
They've got the cadre, you know, of the sycophants, right?
00:13:24
Speaker
How do you get cut off a dictator?
00:13:27
Speaker
You cut away their resources.
00:13:28
Speaker
Regina George would be nothing.
Adopting Audacity for Success
00:13:31
Speaker
Donald Trump would be nothing without his technically hot physique.
00:13:34
Speaker
Army of skanks.
00:13:35
Speaker
I love that Mean Girls and Elle Woods are providing these blueprints because honestly, they're very savvy sort of psychological profiles of crowd psychology, really.
00:13:50
Speaker
Yes, and how power manifests in general, right?
00:13:53
Speaker
Like, you know, like the scene about Regina George, like when they cut open her tank top, and like she has like the bra poking through, and they're doing it to humiliate her.
00:14:00
Speaker
But that's a very Trump moment for her.
00:14:01
Speaker
Because she walks away, and she's like, I'm just gonna own it instead.
00:14:04
Speaker
I'm gonna own this fault, like this mistake, and act like it's not a fuck up.
00:14:08
Speaker
And just like pretend like this is what I intended all along.
00:14:10
Speaker
Everybody in the school starts doing that, because she's a trendsetter.
00:14:13
Speaker
And because she doesn't allow herself to be phased.
00:14:16
Speaker
And that's the move of a boss, right?
00:14:18
Speaker
And honestly, that's how Trump moves.
00:14:20
Speaker
even if he fucked up, he doesn't act like it's a fuck up.
00:14:23
Speaker
And so people are more likely to believe you because you're not acting like it's a fuck up.
00:14:28
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:14:29
Speaker
He projects this image of like, I know exactly what I'm doing, even when he isn't.
00:14:32
Speaker
And people buy into it.
00:14:33
Speaker
People buy into it a lot.
00:14:35
Speaker
Take a note from the Pope and act like you are infallible.
00:14:38
Speaker
I mean, in private, among your personal, intimate people, you can own up to things.
00:14:42
Speaker
But like,
00:14:43
Speaker
The crowd doesn't like somebody who acts all apologetic when they make a mistake.
00:14:48
Speaker
You know, they like the strongman approach a lot of the times.
00:14:51
Speaker
And I'm not saying, again, I'm not saying that we don't have a lot of work to do as a society to move the needle in this manner.
00:14:57
Speaker
But that doesn't mean it's going to happen in our lifetime.
00:14:59
Speaker
And in the meantime, we need to succeed.
00:15:01
Speaker
Okay?
00:15:02
Speaker
We need to maximize our female benefits.
00:15:04
Speaker
Yep.
00:15:04
Speaker
When it comes to how it serves men, right?
00:15:06
Speaker
Like when you look at people who tend to be successful, but humble, again, I'm not including Trump or Musk in this because this is not relevant to them.
00:15:12
Speaker
But there's one part of seeking good mentorship.
00:15:15
Speaker
And there's another part of keeping people around you that will keep you grounded.
00:15:18
Speaker
People who are with you when you were nothing.
00:15:20
Speaker
You know, like the thing is, more people I think are scared of success than they are a failure.
00:15:25
Speaker
I think that when most people, you know, come close to success, they find ways to self-sabotage.
00:15:29
Speaker
Having people in your roster who are people who will hold you accountable is really important.
00:15:33
Speaker
And I'm not talking about people who will diminish you and people who will belittle you and be like, you're not capable of doing that.
00:15:37
Speaker
But people who will warn you and let you know if you're getting a big head.
00:15:41
Speaker
Yeah, like an honest accounting.
00:15:42
Speaker
They'll hold you to an honest accounting of your behavior and your choices, right?
00:15:47
Speaker
Yeah, yeah.
00:15:48
Speaker
And this is just in general with leadership, right?
00:15:50
Speaker
Because with leadership comes a lot of monies, a lot of prestige, sometimes fame.
00:15:54
Speaker
You know, like when you are in a position in life where you're able to live well beyond your means, like compared to before, you know?
00:16:00
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:16:01
Speaker
A lot of people, they end up making a lot of money and then they don't live as per their lifestyle.
00:16:05
Speaker
The lifestyle costs increase as well.
00:16:08
Speaker
They have a very untenable kind of situation because they don't live in reality anymore.
00:16:13
Speaker
Having people who are grounding you is really important.
00:16:16
Speaker
I think Musk and Trump have been rich for a really long time.
00:16:19
Speaker
So this is not applicable to them because they can just always file for bankruptcy or buy another company or sell an emerald mine or something.
00:16:26
Speaker
I don't know.
00:16:28
Speaker
Yeah, Saudi Arabia can float them a $3 billion trust.
00:16:32
Speaker
Exactly.
00:16:32
Speaker
Or sell another arms deal to another country.
00:16:35
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:16:35
Speaker
Like there's avenues to their wealth that is not accessible to the average person.
00:16:39
Speaker
So but when it comes to like the power of male entitlement, a lot of men get farther in life just purely because they have the audacity to ask for more.
00:16:47
Speaker
And I think a lot of women don't do that.
00:16:49
Speaker
The audacity is something I've been pushing ever since I first came on this podcast.
00:16:53
Speaker
Do you recall, Diana?
00:16:54
Speaker
I'm always like, we need to have the audacity of an Elon Musk, of a Donald Trump, because first of all, we women are never going to get there.
00:17:00
Speaker
OK, we have not been bred with the entitlement from before birth, even to actually have that sense of entitlement and audacity.
00:17:08
Speaker
So no matter how audacious you think you're getting, you might be a little worried like, oh, am I overreaching here?
00:17:13
Speaker
Am I getting a little too big for my breaches?
00:17:15
Speaker
No.
00:17:16
Speaker
Society is going to tell you yes, because anytime we step out beyond like being a little wraith or phantom of a person, because God forbid we be whole people, society is always going to come down on that.
00:17:25
Speaker
So you have to understand that like it has to be exaggerated.
00:17:28
Speaker
It has to be a disproportionate effort.
00:17:30
Speaker
It's like, OK, when I am trying to teach students that,
00:17:34
Speaker
how to crescendo, how to make more sound on an instrument.
00:17:37
Speaker
What I found is I have to tell them to go way beyond what they think they need to do to even get them a percentage of the way to where they need to be.
00:17:45
Speaker
Like it's unreal.
00:17:46
Speaker
They think they're louder.
00:17:47
Speaker
It's like 1% louder.
00:17:48
Speaker
So I tell them they have to do 100% louder.
00:17:51
Speaker
And they get to 2% louder with that in mind.
00:17:54
Speaker
We are so self-limiting.
00:17:56
Speaker
Our beliefs are so self-limiting.
00:17:57
Speaker
We don't even understand how self-limiting they are.
00:17:59
Speaker
So this idea that everything has to be outsized in order to even move the needle a little is something I think would be very helpful for us to internalize.
00:18:06
Speaker
Yeah, because the truth is, I mean, it's very hard for most people to be entitled because people are so excited to humble you in general.
Mindset of Entitled Men
00:18:12
Speaker
Like people are always looking to bring a woman down to size and cut you down to size.
00:18:16
Speaker
I mean, I try to understand like the psychology of like these really entitled men.
00:18:21
Speaker
And I wonder if they wake up every morning like this is my birthright.
00:18:24
Speaker
Like I deserve to be the king of the world, you know?
00:18:27
Speaker
Yes, they do.
00:18:29
Speaker
I mean, I honestly wonder.
00:18:30
Speaker
I have no idea what they actually think internally, but I presume it's something of this nature.
00:18:34
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:18:35
Speaker
Of like, I've been given this divine birthright and I'm just like better than other people.
00:18:39
Speaker
And so I deserve this.
00:18:40
Speaker
I feel like every time they go to the bathroom, like every time they go to pee and they hold their penis in their hand, they're like, that's right.
00:18:46
Speaker
I'm the best because I have a penis.
00:18:49
Speaker
I have a feeling it's something like that.
00:18:50
Speaker
Even if it's just like a vaguely inchoate idea, I seriously think every time they touch their dick, they're like, that's right.
00:18:58
Speaker
I'm the best.
00:18:59
Speaker
I have a dick.
00:19:02
Speaker
Yeah, I mean, who knows?
00:19:04
Speaker
Who knows what goes in their little brain?
00:19:05
Speaker
But whatever it is, like, it works for them, right?
00:19:07
Speaker
I think that's the thing, right?
00:19:08
Speaker
Like, I don't think any woman or most women would not be comfortable with thinking that way.
00:19:12
Speaker
Because I don't think women want to work in cohesion with our surroundings.
00:19:17
Speaker
Men want to conquer their surroundings.
00:19:20
Speaker
They want to command people.
00:19:21
Speaker
Yeah, there's a difference between ownership and collaboration.
00:19:25
Speaker
And the thing is, we don't live in a society that's collaborative.
00:19:28
Speaker
We're in a society where the loudest man, the most assertive man wins.
00:19:32
Speaker
So sometimes there are some men who are soft spoken, but have incredibly profound, insightful things to say.
00:19:37
Speaker
Because they're not the most boisterous man in the room, they're ignored.
00:19:40
Speaker
A truly wise man, like this is why kings had advisors, right?
00:19:44
Speaker
A truly wise king is someone who takes in the advice of other people and is able to assess based on these like deferring opinions, what exactly is useful to him and what isn't.
00:19:53
Speaker
And the thing is, I don't think that Trump has enough checks and balances to be that kind of leader.
00:19:58
Speaker
I don't think he has enough people to push back against him and be like, hey, this might be a bad idea.
00:20:02
Speaker
Because we live in a culture that validates that level of ego, like validates that level of boisterousness, you know?
Quiet Strength and Respect
00:20:09
Speaker
And so I think that like in our own lives, what we can learn from this is there's a fine line between
00:20:15
Speaker
just talking smack and talking shit and being loud and really being intentional and deliberate about what you choose to say to people and how it affects their image of you.
00:20:24
Speaker
I'm not just saying this about women.
00:20:25
Speaker
I'm saying this in general, actually.
00:20:26
Speaker
I find that the less I say to people, the less they have to weaponize against me.
00:20:32
Speaker
This is true.
00:20:33
Speaker
You know, this is interesting because when I was younger, well, of course, my family of origin is like literally nightmare fuel, but I was the youngest.
00:20:40
Speaker
And, you know, anytime I dared to speak up and say anything, I was just met with a lot of ridicule.
00:20:44
Speaker
Like, what do you know, little miss know-it-all?
00:20:46
Speaker
La, la, la, la, la.
00:20:47
Speaker
And so I grew up thinking that I talked way too much.
00:20:50
Speaker
And coming from the farm background as well, coming from that sort of neighborhood, the teachers weren't any better, right?
00:20:56
Speaker
So anytime I was really excited about a topic or a subject and I wanted to contribute to the conversation in school, I was met with a lot of, it's time to give other people their turn now rose, blah, blah, blah, blah.
00:21:06
Speaker
So just dealt with a lot of that growing up.
00:21:08
Speaker
And I really kind of quieted myself.
00:21:10
Speaker
But as I've gotten older, I've realized that it was a good check to me because now when I speak, which is not at length, I'm not speaking to hear the sound of my own voice.
00:21:22
Speaker
Now when I do speak, people really listen and they really pay attention.
00:21:26
Speaker
And that is a different kind of power as well.
00:21:28
Speaker
Yeah, and I think like, you know, I always think about the way that Meryl Streep carried herself in like Devil Wears Prada.
00:21:32
Speaker
And like, I think with women, it's very different for men, because with men, when they're loud and boisterous and assertive, it's taken as the norm, and they're seen as leadership material.
00:21:42
Speaker
If a woman was as boisterous and loud and just like taking up space, they'd be like, who is this shrill harpy?
00:21:48
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:21:49
Speaker
Like, they'd have an issue with that woman.
Mystery and Composure in Dating
00:21:51
Speaker
And I think part of that quiet power that she exudes in the Devil Wears Prada is part of what I'm trying to get to where it's like,
00:21:57
Speaker
Because she doesn't say that much, they can't weaponize anything against her.
00:22:00
Speaker
But she commands the room without raising her voice at all.
00:22:04
Speaker
And that's a power of its own right.
00:22:06
Speaker
I think if you're able to command a room without having to say much and people cater to, man, a hell of a power, especially when it comes to dating.
00:22:12
Speaker
I found that when I was maybe in my early 20s when I was dating,
00:22:16
Speaker
I felt like they need to fill silences a lot, which was weird because I didn't come from a culture where people do that.
00:22:20
Speaker
When I came to America, people talk a lot more than they do in my home country.
00:22:23
Speaker
And so I developed this habit of being like, maybe I need to fill these silences because maybe they'll perceive me as rude for not filling the silences.
00:22:30
Speaker
And so I'm a chatty person, but I felt like I was over, even I felt like I was over talking because I was like, okay, it's awkward.
00:22:36
Speaker
Like there's nothing being said until I realized that like nothing's being said because these guys have empty coconuts for brains.
00:22:41
Speaker
But that's a different thing.
00:22:42
Speaker
I mean, like, that's a different matter.
00:22:44
Speaker
What ended up happening is because I was quieter, they were a lot more concerned with what was going on in my noggin than me thinking about their empty
Financial Bragging vs. Generosity in Partners
00:22:51
Speaker
noggin.
00:22:51
Speaker
And so they would divulge things to me that they wouldn't have if I was taking up all that time speaking.
00:22:57
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:22:58
Speaker
If I was talking and trying to fill the silences and being like, oh, so what do you do?
00:23:01
Speaker
Where do you go?
00:23:01
Speaker
Blah, blah, blah.
00:23:02
Speaker
If I was doing all of that, I would be wasting valuable time listening to them and paying attention to what they had to say to me.
00:23:10
Speaker
And because I was more thoughtful and more measured and slower in my responses, taking in what they were saying, they were more eager to fill the silences now.
00:23:17
Speaker
Because again, with women, I think it's actually a power to not say that much, to leave them thinking, to be more enigmatic.
00:23:24
Speaker
Because they are looking for you to come with that audition energy.
00:23:28
Speaker
You're auditioning for his approval.
00:23:31
Speaker
And it's very clear when you're trying to be this like conversational, you know, goddess, that you're not actually there to audition him.
00:23:40
Speaker
Yeah, you're there to audition him.
00:23:41
Speaker
And that's the thing, right?
00:23:42
Speaker
Like, I'm very aware of what men say to try to look impressive to me.
00:23:46
Speaker
And like, I have like some standard responses that I give them when I feel like, okay, this guy is getting a little too cocky, he needs to be brought down to size, right?
00:23:53
Speaker
I'll listen to him.
00:23:54
Speaker
And I'm very quiet in measure.
00:23:55
Speaker
And I won't respond immediately.
00:23:57
Speaker
I'll take my time to consider it.
00:23:58
Speaker
And like, that usually makes them want to like jump right in.
00:24:00
Speaker
And like, if he's like, Oh, what are you thinking?
00:24:02
Speaker
I'm like, I know, I'm just considering what you have to say.
00:24:03
Speaker
I'm just like, you know,
00:24:05
Speaker
I think what you have to say is pretty interesting.
00:24:06
Speaker
I'm just mulling it over.
00:24:08
Speaker
But when they start saying things like talking about their finances and their income and how much they make and stuff like that, this is a girl tip.
00:24:14
Speaker
It doesn't matter what he makes.
00:24:15
Speaker
Okay, he could say he makes $20 million a year.
00:24:17
Speaker
Just assuming.
00:24:19
Speaker
Always say, oh, is that all?
00:24:22
Speaker
Nothing gets to them more than you being like, oh, that's it?
00:24:26
Speaker
Diana, you're so ruthless and diabolical.
00:24:28
Speaker
I love it.
00:24:29
Speaker
I'm diabolical.
00:24:31
Speaker
Yes, yes.
00:24:32
Speaker
Didn't you say our task as women is to cause them pain at least once a month?
00:24:35
Speaker
Like ask that question at least once a month.
00:24:38
Speaker
We're contributing to their health.
00:24:39
Speaker
Okay, we're contributing to their good health.
00:24:41
Speaker
But I think like the point of him mentioning his finances is to impress you.
00:24:44
Speaker
And also, I prefer a humble man.
00:24:46
Speaker
Good for you if you make that kind of money.
00:24:47
Speaker
But I don't think it's appropriate conversation for someone I just met.
00:24:51
Speaker
I was going to say, if I may, if I may, and this is maybe my old fashioned nature summing through, but I find it very uncouth to be bringing up your salary when I don't know you.
00:25:00
Speaker
Like, why, why, why?
00:25:04
Speaker
I don't want to know at that point.
00:25:06
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:07
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:25:07
Speaker
This can sometimes be a cultural thing because in a lot of Eastern cultures, it's a pretty openly spoken about thing.
00:25:12
Speaker
Like people will ask you what you're making and stuff like that.
00:25:14
Speaker
What I usually say when like when strangers ask me what I make is like, don't worry about it.
00:25:18
Speaker
I'm doing okay.
00:25:19
Speaker
Because I try to frame it as like, oh, you're concerned about me as opposed to what it is, which is a very nosy and intrusive question.
00:25:25
Speaker
Yes.
00:25:25
Speaker
It's none of your business is what it is.
00:25:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:28
Speaker
I don't have to say, mind your business and fuck off.
00:25:31
Speaker
What I'm saying is, don't worry about it.
00:25:32
Speaker
I'm doing okay.
00:25:33
Speaker
You know, I don't give them room to pry because I'm like, you're not entitled to know that.
00:25:38
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:25:39
Speaker
Nobody is.
00:25:40
Speaker
Nobody's entitled to know that.
00:25:41
Speaker
I don't even think my own mother knows what I make and that's
Challenging Male Bravado in Social Situations
00:25:43
Speaker
fine.
00:25:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:44
Speaker
You know, as long as she doesn't care, as long as the bills are paid and, you know, she's looked after, she doesn't care.
00:25:48
Speaker
Like she doesn't care where it comes from, what I do.
00:25:51
Speaker
The taxman gets to know what I earn because it's mandated by law.
00:25:54
Speaker
Apart from that, nobody else needs to know.
00:25:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:25:57
Speaker
And the only time that my chartered accountant ever worries about my money is if he thinks I'm spending too much.
00:26:02
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:26:03
Speaker
Like, that's the only time I get a call from a man being like, what are you making?
00:26:05
Speaker
But that's the thing, right?
00:26:09
Speaker
Like, it's conversation that is led purely to impress you.
00:26:13
Speaker
Even if you're impressed by the amount, you have to act unimpressed, nonplussed.
00:26:17
Speaker
First of all, I'm somebody who loves vulgarity.
00:26:18
Speaker
Like I love the F word.
00:26:20
Speaker
Actually, I love to say fuck, but my number one F word is free.
00:26:24
Speaker
That's my absolute favorite F word.
00:26:26
Speaker
But that being said, think about somebody bringing up money as a very vulgar move.
00:26:31
Speaker
Because honestly, it's not done with good faith.
00:26:35
Speaker
It's done as a power move.
00:26:37
Speaker
And that's what women really need to understand.
00:26:39
Speaker
He's not telling you that so he could be like, I'm a provider.
00:26:42
Speaker
He's doing that to position himself as superior to you in another way, in addition to already being a man with a penis.
00:26:48
Speaker
So it's important to understand this from their mentality, why these games are
Handling Unwanted Conversations
00:26:52
Speaker
games that they play and to what ends, because that really gives you an idea about how you might need to move in the world and how you might consider what they're telling you as opposed to why they're telling you, right?
00:27:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:27:05
Speaker
And the why they're talking is really important because even when you look at like, that's the thing, like Donald Trump is all about talk as well, right?
00:27:10
Speaker
Like he talks about a lot of things he's choosing to implement.
00:27:12
Speaker
People are like, oh, he's definitely going to do that.
00:27:14
Speaker
Whether he does it or not is not the point usually.
00:27:16
Speaker
And I think a lot of people buy into talk.
00:27:19
Speaker
I put men in a position of having to prove their shit.
00:27:21
Speaker
Like I remember when I was in, I think when I was in college, when I graduated, there was this one guy that we met in like a reunion from high school.
00:27:28
Speaker
And he was telling everyone, he was like an engineer and like, you know, engineers make like a standard, like they start out earning like six figures, right?
00:27:34
Speaker
Not like a high six figures, but like six figures.
00:27:36
Speaker
And he was just telling everyone about this.
00:27:38
Speaker
And I just found it really strange.
00:27:40
Speaker
I was like, we haven't met you in years.
00:27:42
Speaker
And the first thing you talk about is how much you're making.
00:27:44
Speaker
And it's so weird because it's like, you're not the only engineer here.
00:27:47
Speaker
None of the other engineers are doing it.
00:27:48
Speaker
So it just felt really weird to me.
00:27:51
Speaker
So at one point, you know, cause he was like, oh my God, you know, I make this, I make that.
00:27:54
Speaker
And I was like, uh, hey everyone, drinks are on him.
00:28:04
Speaker
and I turned to him and I was like you're so generous thank you so much for doing that oh my god Diana every time I learn from you every time I learn more just because I wanted to shut him up because I was like if you're going to talk this much about money like you better be worth spending it too I don't care about a man who talks about money I care about a man who spends his money
00:28:20
Speaker
Okay, you spend your money on me.
00:28:22
Speaker
I don't care about what you make.
00:28:23
Speaker
You can make whatever the hell you want.
00:28:24
Speaker
If you're spending it on me, that's the only thing I care about.
00:28:26
Speaker
Are you spending your money on me?
00:28:28
Speaker
That's what I care about.
00:28:29
Speaker
I don't care about what you make.
00:28:30
Speaker
We've talked about this too.
00:28:32
Speaker
It's not necessarily that he needs to be a wealthy man.
00:28:34
Speaker
He needs to be a generous man.
00:28:36
Speaker
Because if not, it doesn't matter if he has money if he's not willing to share it and be generous with it.
00:28:41
Speaker
This is like me saying delusionally that Rihanna is my best friend.
00:28:44
Speaker
But no, you can't talk to her.
00:28:47
Speaker
Right.
00:28:48
Speaker
Yes.
00:28:48
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:28:49
Speaker
Like at one point, someone's going to be like, you know, get the speed dial up, call Riri.
00:28:53
Speaker
Like they're going to want you to prove it.
00:28:55
Speaker
So I always put men in the position.
00:28:57
Speaker
Like if you're going to make a claim, I'm going to make you back it up.
00:28:59
Speaker
That's the lawyer in me.
00:29:00
Speaker
I'm going to make you back that shit up.
00:29:02
Speaker
I'm not going to make you get away with saying statements because the thing is I always call their bluff.
00:29:05
Speaker
That's the thing you need to start calling and you need to do it in a flirtatious way.
00:29:08
Speaker
Don't do it in a mean, aggressive way.
00:29:09
Speaker
Do it in like the friendly, fun way that I did where I was like, ah, drinks are on him.
00:29:13
Speaker
Isn't he so cool?
00:29:14
Speaker
Yeah.
00:29:17
Speaker
Because these are the games they play.
00:29:20
Speaker
And if we don't start understanding that these are games that they play and that we too can play, then we are continually going to be at a disadvantage in this world, even more so than we already are.
00:29:28
Speaker
And that's the thing with big yapper men, you have to start asking about the cost benefit analysis of like, what is the point of having this man in my presence?
00:29:35
Speaker
Is he doing anything for me besides yapping?
00:29:37
Speaker
Unless he's yapping is paying his bills.
00:29:38
Speaker
It's not a valuable skill.
00:29:40
Speaker
Unless he's like a professional yapper.
Valuing Time in Dating Scenarios
00:29:44
Speaker
Unless he's paid for all that hot air.
00:29:47
Speaker
I mean, and that's the thing is like, so many times you're doing unpaid labor as a captive audience.
00:29:52
Speaker
He's not even talking with you.
00:29:54
Speaker
He's just talking at you.
00:29:55
Speaker
You may as well be, you know, a radio listener.
00:29:59
Speaker
And he's like the DJ, you know, in his mind, that's all he needs.
00:30:02
Speaker
That feeds his ego.
00:30:04
Speaker
And they go back restored and renewed from that energy and attention you've paid them while you walk out feeling like, you know, you've just been hit by a semi because you just listened to a whole bunch of bullshit.
00:30:12
Speaker
This is another way in which we need to learn to be more assertive, learning how to, I love this idea, Diana, of like challenging it and calling the bluff in a fun, friendly, playful manner.
00:30:21
Speaker
Brilliant.
00:30:22
Speaker
Also learning how to shut down these conversations and walk away.
00:30:26
Speaker
I mean, I've talked before about how like I have the kind of face that everybody wants to have a conversation with.
00:30:31
Speaker
It's, I don't know if it's my vibe, what the hell ever it is.
00:30:33
Speaker
It's a real thing.
00:30:34
Speaker
I've had it too long in my life to doubt it at this point.
00:30:37
Speaker
The experiential data is in.
00:30:39
Speaker
However, what it's meant is that I've had to sit through so many unsolicited monologues and laments and venting sessions from all these men who are just like, you know, their problems aren't actual problems.
00:30:52
Speaker
It's just they have shitty ass attitudes and entitlements.
00:30:55
Speaker
And so one thing I've really had to learn how to do is like, just shut down these conversations and get out of them.
00:31:00
Speaker
And in fact, it's, we've turned my last name into a verb amongst my friends.
00:31:05
Speaker
Like you got, because, you know, I'll say things like, let me get back to you on this.
00:31:10
Speaker
Or, you know, if I could, if you could just excuse me for a moment, there's one thing I've got to do.
00:31:14
Speaker
And then I go and I do it and then I disappear.
00:31:16
Speaker
Like what I do is I leave them with the impression because honestly, sometimes you don't know how people, especially men are going to react.
00:31:22
Speaker
If you're like, Oh my God, I'm going to tear my hair out.
00:31:24
Speaker
If I have to listen to one more fucking word from your idiotic mouth, obviously you can't say what you really think.
00:31:29
Speaker
But if you approach it in this diplomatic fashion, like, you know what, there's actually an appointment I have to get to, or I have a phone call that's been pending.
00:31:36
Speaker
Please excuse me.
00:31:37
Speaker
All of these ways in which I've learned how to shut down these conversations and escape.
00:31:41
Speaker
This is another really, really valuable tool in learning how to be assertive as a woman.
00:31:46
Speaker
Yeah, and this is also like a polite thing.
00:31:47
Speaker
Also, the thing is, when you mind your time, it teaches men to value it more.
00:31:54
Speaker
Like if you have intended to go on a date for an hour, don't extend it to two to three hours and go to a second location.
00:31:59
Speaker
Like this is obvious stuff.
00:32:00
Speaker
Because you tell them that you have the free time.
00:32:03
Speaker
And like, again, they start having this expectation that your time is not that valuable.
00:32:07
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:32:08
Speaker
Or that your friendship belongs to him because everything belongs to him, right?
00:32:12
Speaker
If he wants your company, then he should have it.
00:32:15
Speaker
This is the same thing with dates, why we advise like, you know, don't make plans on the day off.
00:32:19
Speaker
Because again, it doesn't matter if you're free.
00:32:21
Speaker
Here's the thing, like exclusivity, the kind of time that like the fact that you value your time is what signals to him that he can't waste it.
00:32:28
Speaker
If you act like you don't value your time and all your time is his time, guess what?
00:32:31
Speaker
He starts to take it for granted because he realizes you don't value your own time.
00:32:35
Speaker
That's the thing, even with like, when you're a CEO, you're running a business or something, right?
00:32:38
Speaker
You can't just tell every single person I'm available anytime from like, and it's like basically the whole window of like Friday, you know, Wednesday to Sunday.
00:32:44
Speaker
It's like anytime, any place I'm here for you.
00:32:47
Speaker
Because you're not a 24
Energy Dynamics and Relationship Reciprocity
00:32:49
Speaker
hour service.
00:32:49
Speaker
You're not a hospital.
00:32:50
Speaker
You're not a 7-Eleven.
00:32:52
Speaker
It's so true.
00:32:52
Speaker
You do not want to be a 7-Eleven.
00:32:57
Speaker
Yeah, you're not a convenient store.
00:32:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:01
Speaker
But it's true.
00:33:01
Speaker
I mean, people take, especially men take for granted that women are to be at their beck and call.
00:33:06
Speaker
They are to be at their leisure and at their whim.
00:33:09
Speaker
So you putting down your foot from the jump and being like, well, I've got this time, but after that, I've got to be on my way.
00:33:14
Speaker
Like, oh, what do you have to do next?
00:33:15
Speaker
What's so important?
00:33:16
Speaker
I've got something else.
00:33:18
Speaker
Like, first of all, the fact that they even feel entitled to ask that question that they think they should have to know and hold you to account to what your time is for.
00:33:26
Speaker
Like, do you hear the ludicrousness of this situation?
00:33:29
Speaker
But that's how absurd it is when we think about how men feel entitled to our time and our attention.
00:33:33
Speaker
Like I actually have a nephew who I've been struggling with.
00:33:36
Speaker
He's the oldest and he's been my godson.
00:33:38
Speaker
And so I've always given him a lot of leeway, a lot of attention and encouragement and love.
00:33:44
Speaker
But what I've noticed lately is like every time he calls me on the phone, he's like, Oh, hi, auntie.
00:33:49
Speaker
How are you?
00:33:51
Speaker
And then that's the only question he asked for the entire conversation.
00:33:53
Speaker
I'm supposed to lead the whole conversation.
00:33:56
Speaker
I'm supposed to ask him all the questions.
00:33:58
Speaker
I'm supposed to be the grandmaster of ceremonies.
00:34:00
Speaker
And at the end of it, like he has not, you know, asked anything about me.
00:34:04
Speaker
And I know with children, even though he's in his twenties now, I know with children and adults, there's a different dynamic, but honestly, at this point, it's just like, it's poor manners, young man.
00:34:13
Speaker
You're supposed to engage in the conversation.
00:34:15
Speaker
You're supposed to ask questions.
00:34:16
Speaker
You're supposed to follow up.
00:34:18
Speaker
You're supposed to demonstrate interest in the other person.
00:34:21
Speaker
If they are not doing these things, you have to ask yourself to what end are they coming to you for this conversation?
00:34:27
Speaker
And honestly, it's mostly just they want love.
00:34:30
Speaker
They want affection.
00:34:30
Speaker
They want your energy.
00:34:31
Speaker
They want your adoration.
00:34:33
Speaker
And then they're going to go on their way feeling happier than ever while you're just like, what did that do for me other than make me feel bad?
00:34:38
Speaker
Honestly.
00:34:39
Speaker
You feel drained.
00:34:40
Speaker
You feel drained.
00:34:41
Speaker
This is an upcoming conversation that I'm like planning on how to have with him because I think it's up to me as his aunt to try and educate to try and continue to like help him better himself.
00:34:52
Speaker
But at the same time, if I don't see any change, at a certain point, it's going to be like, Okay, well, this is going to be a two minute call.
00:34:57
Speaker
Glad you checked in.
00:34:58
Speaker
Love you.
00:34:59
Speaker
Let me know if you need anything and talk to you later.
00:35:01
Speaker
I still think sometimes these techniques of like gray rock and stuff help because I think that at the end of the day, when you don't give people too much, then it forces them into position of having to talk to you or the conversation dies.
00:35:10
Speaker
Like when you feel compelled to do something and you're like, okay, I need to chat because this guy won't.
00:35:14
Speaker
Like sometimes it's a good idea to just let the conversation die.
00:35:17
Speaker
Like, and like, that's what I've realized also what people like, I mean, I don't always go into a date assuming it's going to be the worst thing ever, but when I have, and I've realized maybe 15 minutes in that I'm like, oh my God, this man is the worst thing ever.
Exiting Uncomfortable Situations Diplomatically
00:35:28
Speaker
Like, why did I do this?
00:35:29
Speaker
I'd rather eat like 10 bowls of muesli right now.
00:35:31
Speaker
You know, I make up a thing in my head that requires a deadline.
00:35:36
Speaker
I'm like, I have to get back to this.
00:35:37
Speaker
And I have about 20 minutes left.
00:35:38
Speaker
I'm like, I'm so sorry, I have to do this.
00:35:39
Speaker
And usually I'll be really honest, I haven't been in a position where people have been hostile.
00:35:42
Speaker
I've been like, what's more important?
00:35:44
Speaker
I haven't personally experienced that myself.
00:35:45
Speaker
I'm trying to think actively like what I would do if I was in that situation.
00:35:49
Speaker
Again, you can use these kinds of things to your favor because I usually just say something like, well, you know, a very popular girl, lots of people want my time.
00:35:55
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:57
Speaker
Yes, exactly.
00:35:58
Speaker
I don't ever answer their questions directly if it's a question I don't want to answer.
00:36:02
Speaker
That's something I've realized.
00:36:03
Speaker
That's something politicians do really well.
00:36:04
Speaker
You ask them a direct question and they never respond with the direct answer.
00:36:08
Speaker
They're always like, well, you know, in theory, I would love to be the person who dates you.
00:36:12
Speaker
But in practice, I'm popular and I have to go elsewhere, you know?
00:36:16
Speaker
Yeah.
00:36:18
Speaker
It's so true.
00:36:19
Speaker
I mean, these are tactics and strategies that really do serve us well.
00:36:22
Speaker
And I think, honestly, Diana, a lot of times we don't try it because we're like, we catastrophize and we imagine the worst case scenario happening.
00:36:30
Speaker
But most often that never happens.
00:36:32
Speaker
That's the thing.
00:36:32
Speaker
You can do it in a friendly way.
00:36:33
Speaker
Look, even if it's a guy that I'm not interested in, but I want to flatter him and I want to move the hell on because I don't want him to like stalk me on my way home and murder me.
00:36:40
Speaker
Even if I pull that like kind of, oh, I'm a popular girl line.
00:36:42
Speaker
And I mean, if he says something like, I'm just like thinking it out, like I'm doing a thought experiment in my brain right now.
00:36:47
Speaker
And I'm like, what if he said something?
00:36:48
Speaker
Oh, you're gonna ride the cock carousel or something outlandish like that.
00:36:51
Speaker
First of all, that's the biggest red flag.
00:36:52
Speaker
You never meet him again, right?
00:36:53
Speaker
Again, men's egos are so fragile, you can validate it any old way.
00:36:56
Speaker
But I'm like,
00:36:57
Speaker
But don't miss me too much when I'm gone.
00:36:58
Speaker
Okay.
00:36:58
Speaker
Like, I'm usually very like friendly with them.
00:37:00
Speaker
We're in the sense that like, I'm like, I know, I know, I know you want me to stay because you're gonna miss me so much.
00:37:05
Speaker
I know I'm just that charming.
00:37:07
Speaker
Unfortunately, unfortunately, I do have to go.
00:37:10
Speaker
But it was lovely talking to you.
00:37:11
Speaker
Like leave men.
00:37:12
Speaker
I do this with other people who I'm like, I need to find a way to exit this conversation in a diplomatic way without hurting their feelings, right?
00:37:18
Speaker
Because nobody wants their feelings hurt.
00:37:19
Speaker
And it's fine.
00:37:20
Speaker
Look, sometimes you can be
00:37:22
Speaker
like brusque and you can be brutal and you could be like, fuck you and I'm leaving.
00:37:25
Speaker
But sometimes you don't want to do that because it doesn't warrant.
00:37:28
Speaker
Yeah, it's not a stone-cold bitch approach.
00:37:29
Speaker
You're not going out like burning.
00:37:31
Speaker
No, no, no.
00:37:31
Speaker
Burning shit down, you know?
00:37:33
Speaker
The thing is, sometimes I exit gracefully and diplomatically because sometimes it does not warrant that level of reaction.
00:37:39
Speaker
You have to decide when it's worth being measured and when it's worth going full nuclear, right?
00:37:44
Speaker
And not everything deserves a full nuclear response because, again, I might want to exit the situation diplomatically because I don't want this crazy person blowing up my phone and acting in titles.
00:37:53
Speaker
And this goes back to our episode about boundaries in general where it's like, you know, sometimes there are things I want to do that people will push back on and be like, well, why do you have to go to the gym?
00:38:00
Speaker
Why can't you spend more time with me?
00:38:01
Speaker
And so people don't take it seriously when you have to like when you have goals, like, you know, you want to work on your body, you want to work on your mindset, you have like these people always try to find ways to prevent you from doing those things that
Recognizing Red Flags and Narcissistic Behavior
00:38:10
Speaker
you want to do.
00:38:10
Speaker
And I found that in general, a vague, I have an appointment works much better than saying I have to go to the gym.
00:38:15
Speaker
You know, the appointment means I'm going to go take a nap.
00:38:17
Speaker
And I just I don't have time to people.
00:38:19
Speaker
But again, this is about like people who don't want to offend people, people don't want to hurt people.
00:38:22
Speaker
Yeah, sometimes through life, you just end up hurting people, you don't mean to do it, it just happens, right?
00:38:26
Speaker
Sometimes you have to hurt people because men don't understand no, and you have to be direct, right?
00:38:31
Speaker
But sometimes when I first meet a person, I know it's not a vibe.
00:38:33
Speaker
You know, I sometimes I don't want to sit through the whole day.
00:38:36
Speaker
That's just me.
00:38:37
Speaker
I don't want to sit through the whole thing knowing that I'm not going to enjoy this.
00:38:40
Speaker
This is the thing.
00:38:40
Speaker
Men say they want brutal honesty.
00:38:42
Speaker
They don't.
00:38:43
Speaker
If you were to tell them what you actually felt in that moment, they would probably go to bed and cry about it or they'd shoot you.
00:38:47
Speaker
Right.
00:38:48
Speaker
One of the two.
00:38:48
Speaker
So and I don't want to get shot.
00:38:50
Speaker
I like living.
00:38:51
Speaker
So I usually exit in a way that's diplomatic without hurting their feelings.
00:38:54
Speaker
And I just try to keep it friendly.
00:38:56
Speaker
I try to keep it like, oh, what do you have to do?
00:38:57
Speaker
That's so important.
00:38:58
Speaker
I've never been asked that.
00:38:59
Speaker
If I was asked that, I'd be like, I mean, sometimes I just guilt trip them.
00:39:02
Speaker
You know, I make up something that sounds really serious.
00:39:04
Speaker
And I'm like, I'm so sorry, I have to take my chihuahua to the vet because I have to put him down, whatever.
00:39:07
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:39:08
Speaker
I don't even have a chihuahua.
00:39:09
Speaker
I don't have a chihuahua.
00:39:13
Speaker
No, it's true.
00:39:14
Speaker
I feel like we imagine the worst case scenario in their response to us, but also something we don't realize is like, they are also so brutally vulnerable in their ego.
00:39:22
Speaker
They don't want to be hurt.
00:39:23
Speaker
And so they're not going to push a lot of the time.
00:39:25
Speaker
And if they do, and this is something that we were going to wrap up this conversation with.
00:39:28
Speaker
If they do, these are red flags that are indicating that this is a potential cycle.
00:39:33
Speaker
Okay.
00:39:34
Speaker
So a man who's not going to act, even if it's a plausible lie.
00:39:37
Speaker
Okay.
00:39:38
Speaker
Even if you're like, oh man, this does sound like a lie.
00:39:40
Speaker
Like I really can't get away with it.
00:39:41
Speaker
In polite society, everybody knows, even if it's a polite lie, you just let him get away with it.
00:39:47
Speaker
There's no benefit to challenging somebody on it.
00:39:49
Speaker
Just let them be on their way.
00:39:51
Speaker
But if a man does and grows quarrelsome, run the fuck the other way.
00:39:56
Speaker
This is absolutely a red flag.
00:39:57
Speaker
Run.
00:39:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:39:58
Speaker
Yeah.
00:39:59
Speaker
Sometimes a well-timed family emergency is also something that he can't question.
00:40:03
Speaker
It's like, oh, what do you have going on?
00:40:04
Speaker
Family emergency.
00:40:05
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:05
Speaker
Doesn't need to know.
00:40:06
Speaker
He doesn't need to know what's going on.
00:40:08
Speaker
He doesn't need to know what's happening, right?
00:40:10
Speaker
I think that even with red flags to watch out for, like overconfident men are scary.
00:40:14
Speaker
Watch out for those kinds of men in general.
00:40:16
Speaker
Like insecure men or overconfident men, like there's a difference between being self-assured and knowing what you're worth and like being overconfident.
00:40:22
Speaker
And a lot of overconfident men are sometimes hostile and aggressive.
00:40:26
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like this is the dividing line between a covert narcissist and a full blown narcissist.
00:40:33
Speaker
Like the full blown narcissist is absolutely overconfident.
00:40:36
Speaker
But there's also the covert narcissist who's like, oh, he's so humble.
00:40:40
Speaker
And he's so modest.
00:40:41
Speaker
He couldn't dare to trouble you for a date.
00:40:43
Speaker
But these are also techniques they use.
00:40:45
Speaker
These are further games that they use.
00:40:47
Speaker
So that you're like, oh, no, no, I'm going to prove that I'm a nice person.
00:40:50
Speaker
I'm going to go on a date with you.
00:40:51
Speaker
And like men will literally entrap you into whole ass marriages with this technique.
00:40:55
Speaker
And by the time you realize that, you know, you've like combined finances and you're basically like chained at the hip, you know, and they know this.
00:41:02
Speaker
They will use our good natures, our better natures against
Dealing with Arrogance and Building Connections
00:41:06
Speaker
us.
00:41:06
Speaker
And this is why I'm always encouraging Diana to teach us more about what she calls her ruthlessness.
00:41:12
Speaker
I think it's really just good common sense that we haven't been taught because too many of us would remain single if we actually employed it.
00:41:18
Speaker
And that's the thing.
00:41:19
Speaker
Sometimes you can't employ the ruthless direct strategy for many reasons, right?
00:41:25
Speaker
Rarely can you.
00:41:26
Speaker
Sometimes it's worth it.
00:41:27
Speaker
Sometimes it's not worth it.
00:41:28
Speaker
It really is on a case-by-case basis.
00:41:31
Speaker
But I find evasive tactics are much more effective in general.
00:41:35
Speaker
Being evasive and not being committal.
00:41:37
Speaker
men are not stupid either.
00:41:38
Speaker
They know when you're not into them.
00:41:40
Speaker
But the kind of guy who's hostile about it, who's like, how dare you, you let me on.
00:41:43
Speaker
We were together for 20 minutes eating KFC.
00:41:45
Speaker
And I can't believe you know what I mean?
00:41:46
Speaker
Don't go on these dates.
00:41:47
Speaker
You know what I mean?
00:41:47
Speaker
Like the kind of person who's like overreacting to something in itself shows some instability, right?
00:41:53
Speaker
Because he is overtly attached to a person he just met.
00:41:55
Speaker
And that's not a healthy way to go through life.
00:41:57
Speaker
Like start reading people for what they are and being like, this is an unhealthy person.
00:42:01
Speaker
The instability, I think is important to
00:42:03
Speaker
And you need to leave them where they are.
00:42:04
Speaker
Yeah.
00:42:05
Speaker
You need to leave them where they are to cope and deal and like figure out what it is in their life that's not working for them.
00:42:10
Speaker
But like in general, like this is why we say things like, like, you know, negging and all these other things like these very overconfident men who think that like, okay, I finally met somebody who is more than my match, but I can't get her by being an equal.
00:42:20
Speaker
I have to like neg her and bring her down as a peg so that I can get her.
00:42:23
Speaker
We already know these things as like, we don't need to repeat this because you've repeated this on this platform many times.
00:42:27
Speaker
It's like, avoid these people.
00:42:29
Speaker
But the thing is, a lot of people think just because somebody is loud and confident that they're suddenly extremely educated, good people are really smart, you know, like deserving of your time and energy.
00:42:38
Speaker
And the truth is, unless they treat you personally well, and they treat the people around them with respect, they're just loud.
00:42:44
Speaker
Right.
00:42:44
Speaker
I was just going to say, you know, I've always liked the Teddy Roosevelt quote, which is to walk softly and carry a big stick.
00:42:50
Speaker
Honestly, that's my dream man right there.
00:42:52
Speaker
I mean, I definitely want him carrying a big stick.
00:42:55
Speaker
I get it.
00:42:56
Speaker
I like the quote for women.
00:42:57
Speaker
It's like a velvet glove on a, you know, around an iron fist or something.
00:43:00
Speaker
Iron fist.
00:43:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:43:01
Speaker
That's my approach to teaching actually, because all the kids love how friendly and warm I am.
00:43:05
Speaker
And then there comes a point where I'm like, all right, the iron fist is coming out.
00:43:08
Speaker
They're like, oh shit, I really believe her now.
00:43:10
Speaker
Because it's a weird psychological line that you're walking, but they respond really well to it.
00:43:15
Speaker
And so we don't have to act like these loud confidence con men.
00:43:20
Speaker
We can learn from their tactics, we can observe what the game is, and we can call the game when we don't want to play it.
00:43:25
Speaker
But really what we're trying to advocate for is that you become assertive and an advocate for your own best life.
00:43:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:34
Speaker
I mean, that's the thing, right?
00:43:35
Speaker
These men, they throw around corporate words and things like synergy and whatever else.
00:43:41
Speaker
It's like Six Sigma.
00:43:42
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:45
Speaker
All these things made you laugh so hard you're coughing.
00:43:48
Speaker
Well, just made up.
00:43:49
Speaker
It's all bullshit.
00:43:50
Speaker
It's I'm laughing so hard I'm coughing.
00:43:52
Speaker
It's true.
00:43:52
Speaker
It's all balderdash.
00:43:53
Speaker
All this made up stuff to make them sound important,
Learning Confidence Tactics and Empowerment
00:43:56
Speaker
right?
00:43:56
Speaker
But the truth is, like, if you hear what they say, they're rarely direct when you ask them a direct question.
00:44:00
Speaker
And they know the art of answering evasively.
00:44:03
Speaker
And sometimes if you are speaking to a man, especially in a dating situation, to answer evasively when you've already determined that this is not a good fit.
00:44:10
Speaker
Of course, this is why we have like pre-vetting strategies, like, you know, do a video call and all those things.
00:44:15
Speaker
Sometimes even that can be deceptive and you might not gauge like, you know, that person is a good person or not.
00:44:19
Speaker
And then you go on the date, you're like, I'm not physically attracted to them.
00:44:21
Speaker
They're a little weird.
00:44:23
Speaker
They're giving me seriously.
00:44:24
Speaker
Whatever.
00:44:25
Speaker
Whatever.
00:44:25
Speaker
Ted Bundy energy, whatever it is, right?
00:44:27
Speaker
You trust your instincts.
00:44:28
Speaker
Like that's the most important thing.
00:44:29
Speaker
Once you determine that it's not a fit, you're not obligated to sit through the whole thing.
00:44:32
Speaker
This is one thing that women need to understand as well.
00:44:34
Speaker
You don't need to sit through the whole thing just because you're like, well, I agree to sit down dinner now.
00:44:36
Speaker
I have to sit through it the entire hour.
00:44:38
Speaker
It's the sunk cost fallacy.
00:44:39
Speaker
From micro to macro, this is how women are most often entrapped.
00:44:42
Speaker
It's the sunk cost fallacy.
00:44:44
Speaker
And it's also this desire to be polite, right?
00:44:45
Speaker
It's like, I need to be polite.
00:44:47
Speaker
And it's like, well, this is a stranger.
00:44:48
Speaker
You don't owe politeness.
00:44:50
Speaker
The politeness was already done by you agreeing to go to the dinner.
00:44:52
Speaker
Having to sit through the entire dinner when you know it's not a fit, like don't waste this time.
00:44:55
Speaker
Don't waste your time either, right?
00:44:57
Speaker
Of course, they can't handle you being like, I don't like you and I don't think this is a fit.
00:45:00
Speaker
So if you have to make up an excuse, you have to make up a lie to bounce, that's okay.
00:45:04
Speaker
Dip.
00:45:04
Speaker
That's okay.
00:45:05
Speaker
And just remember, I just had this Shakespeare quote come to mind.
00:45:08
Speaker
It was like, you know, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.
00:45:12
Speaker
You know, this is basically like all these men that bluster and cape and monologue, etc.
00:45:18
Speaker
They are often the emptiest men you'll ever meet.
00:45:21
Speaker
This is who you need to avoid.
00:45:22
Speaker
Yeah, empty vessels make the most noise.
00:45:25
Speaker
That's right.
00:45:25
Speaker
They're the ones who need to die mad.
00:45:27
Speaker
Period.
00:45:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:45:29
Speaker
Die mad.
00:45:31
Speaker
Until next week.
00:45:32
Speaker
Until next week.