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Feminist Sex: What Is It & How Do We Get It?
39 Plays2 years ago
The Queens define and discuss the future of feminist sex.
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Transcript
Introduction to Feminist Sex Series
00:00:06
Speaker
What's up, queens?
00:00:07
Speaker
Welcome to the Female Dating Strategy Podcast, the meanest female-only podcast on the internet.
00:00:11
Speaker
I'm Ro.
00:00:12
Speaker
And I'm Savannah.
00:00:14
Speaker
All right, here's our long-awaited episode about feminist sex, more than likely a multi-part episode.
00:00:20
Speaker
Let's talk about sex.
00:00:22
Speaker
Let's talk about sex, baby.
00:00:26
Speaker
And this was in response to, well, a few things, but primarily the depictions and discussion of what feminist sex is that's coming from what we would call libfem media.
Critique of Mainstream Definitions
00:00:39
Speaker
Even the term, even the term just makes me cringe, like feminist.
00:00:43
Speaker
It gives me like the same reaction when they say like feminist porn, it's like...
00:00:49
Speaker
Yeah, because it's so misguided and fluffy.
00:00:51
Speaker
And I feel like they don't want to say the thing.
00:00:54
Speaker
They don't want to define the real problem.
00:00:56
Speaker
So if you are subscribed to our Patreon, we did an episode that we just released on Friday about an article that was posted in Vogue that was trying to define what feminist sex was.
Vogue's Take on Feminist Sex
00:01:09
Speaker
And to recap, here's a couple of their answers.
00:01:12
Speaker
The first one being...
00:01:14
Speaker
Feminist sex is about having a sex life that is free of expectations.
00:01:18
Speaker
That was definition number one.
00:01:20
Speaker
Definition number two was, Feminist sex is about having the sex you want to be having rather than the sex you think you should be having and getting maximum pleasure.
00:01:28
Speaker
And then definition number three was, Feminist sex is essentially good sex.
00:01:33
Speaker
Learning how to ask really good questions and listening to the answer you receive is key.
00:01:39
Speaker
I'm here to tell the audience today why all of that is horseshit.
00:01:42
Speaker
Now...
00:01:44
Speaker
Oh, shit.
00:01:45
Speaker
Oh, shit.
00:01:45
Speaker
Allow me to tell the entire audience today why all that is collectively horseshit and they are not focusing on the actual problem.
Power Dynamics in Media Narratives
00:01:53
Speaker
OK, so one of the things that they don't address in here is the male half of the equation about why we're not having good sex, because that is the entire reason why we're not having good sex.
00:02:04
Speaker
And I don't understand.
00:02:06
Speaker
how we can talk about feminist sex and not talk about the inherently unequal power dynamics between men and women currently and historically that have contributed to us not having the sex that we want.
00:02:18
Speaker
It's like they do everything but name the actual problem.
00:02:21
Speaker
Name the problem.
00:02:22
Speaker
If you read the article itself, they direct a lot of advice, in quotation marks, towards women.
00:02:28
Speaker
And then there's two sentences towards men, even though they are the problem.
00:02:33
Speaker
So I have an idea that perhaps they know.
00:02:37
Speaker
They just don't want to say what the problem is in order not to alienate their audience or whatever, or piss off men, or I don't know.
00:02:44
Speaker
But it's just mind-boggling that all this advice, that they'll talk around the problem, they'll direct...
00:02:50
Speaker
the solution towards women, but men will maybe get a sentence or two, like max.
The Role of Men in Feminist Sex Discussions
00:02:56
Speaker
Any article that talks about feminist sex that doesn't mention men is completely missing.
00:03:02
Speaker
It's garbage, right?
00:03:04
Speaker
It's like, we're not having good and feminist sex because men don't want us to have it.
00:03:07
Speaker
And that is the only reason they don't want us to have it.
00:03:10
Speaker
That's it.
00:03:12
Speaker
And again, men will admit this as well.
00:03:14
Speaker
Like they all admit that they're selfish in bed or that they're not really invested in getting the woman off or they think it's too much work.
00:03:22
Speaker
Men will say this with their own mouths and women still won't pull them up on it.
00:03:27
Speaker
Right.
00:03:28
Speaker
So if you're not focusing on men,
00:03:31
Speaker
You're not focused on the problem because the only thing stopping us from having good sex is one, the lack of education about our bodies, understanding how our bodies work.
00:03:39
Speaker
And once again, men don't want us to have that.
00:03:42
Speaker
And also men's failure to comply to our sexual desires because they don't want to.
00:03:46
Speaker
So I feel like when we're talking about this, if you don't address those two huge factors and why women aren't having better sex, and it's pretty much primarily straight women, by the way, almost entirely a problem for straight women, not really a problem for...
FDS's Definition of Feminist Sex
00:04:00
Speaker
other variations of same-sex couples or straight men.
00:04:03
Speaker
So it's clearly not just about in any way, just about like these specific acts in the bedroom.
00:04:09
Speaker
And there seems to be this over-focus on whether certain acts are feminist or not within the bedroom.
00:04:14
Speaker
But I'm like, overall, what determines whether or not we're having feminist sex starts far, far, far before we ever get into the bedroom.
00:04:22
Speaker
And if we don't talk about that aspect of it, then we're not actually talking about feminist sex.
00:04:26
Speaker
You're just talking about like specific sex acts and then like the inherent dynamics behind it.
00:04:32
Speaker
So I would like to posit an FDS definition of feminist sex.
Cultural Influence on Women's Sexual Expression
00:04:36
Speaker
What is feminist sex?
00:04:38
Speaker
So let me put forth the FDS definition of feminist sex.
00:04:41
Speaker
So this is what we came up with.
00:04:43
Speaker
And you heard it here first, ladies.
00:04:44
Speaker
You heard it here first.
00:04:45
Speaker
The ability for women to express and exert compliance to their sexual desires from men and in the culture, and the ability for women to make informed, healthy decisions about their body free from male social, economic, legal, and political influence.
00:04:59
Speaker
That's our definition of feminist sex.
00:05:00
Speaker
So are you able to exert compliance to your sexual desires from men?
00:05:05
Speaker
Are you able to express them freely?
00:05:07
Speaker
Does our culture support women expressing them freely?
00:05:10
Speaker
Does our culture support women having enough education about their body and their sexuality in order to understand and express their desires outside of men's influence?
00:05:21
Speaker
You have to almost think of it like there's two polarities here.
00:05:25
Speaker
There's men in the sexual desires that they want, and then there's women in the sexual desires that they want.
00:05:29
Speaker
And there's some overlap and there's some spectrum, but a lot of it can be actually competing interests.
00:05:37
Speaker
And I feel like everyone wants to tiptoe around the fact that there are competing sexual interests between men and women because people don't like to.
00:05:43
Speaker
At least this lip femme shit.
00:05:45
Speaker
They don't like to talk about that aspect of
Equality vs. Equity in Sexual Dynamics
00:05:47
Speaker
it.
00:05:47
Speaker
I get annoyed because I feel like they don't really want power.
00:05:49
Speaker
They don't really want to fix it.
00:05:51
Speaker
Yeah, and it's also the fact that they would have to then acknowledge that the men they are seeking to engage with are not looking to engage with them on the same level.
00:06:00
Speaker
Like this whole idea of equality between the sexes is nonsense, as I've always said, because men aren't interested in being equal with women.
00:06:09
Speaker
This is why equity is a better goal for women.
00:06:12
Speaker
They're just not interested.
00:06:13
Speaker
And so when we talk about sex, it's like men aren't actually interested in
00:06:17
Speaker
in making like sex equal in quotation marks for women.
00:06:20
Speaker
They don't care about it.
00:06:21
Speaker
And this is where the LibFair media is so misguided.
00:06:23
Speaker
And this is why a lot of women who follow the so-called, if a man can shag around, I can do it too.
00:06:29
Speaker
If a man can do this, they end up very, very disappointed because they are almost being led into a game or a trap where there's no way of them winning.
00:06:38
Speaker
Right, because they have no ability to exert sexual compliance from men, right?
00:06:41
Speaker
That's why so many women that end up having a lot of sex are never having a lot of good sex because there's one lack of education about their bodies.
00:06:49
Speaker
They don't necessarily know how their bodies work in the first place.
00:06:52
Speaker
So they're just out there guessing with a lot of different sexual partners.
00:06:56
Speaker
And then also when they're having these sexual encounters, they're often not able to get men to comply to the things they actually want, right?
00:07:02
Speaker
And it could be because they just don't have the equipment, meaning they dick too little or...
00:07:08
Speaker
teeny teeny little short dick man you are going to hell but so am i i mean but facts right or the guy just doesn't have the patient's equipment and skill or he doesn't care about them enough to do it yeah he doesn't care that's a huge part of it that's the main thing they just don't care they think sex exists to service them primarily and they operate like that
00:07:31
Speaker
And any encounter you have with men starts with that, more than likely, unless they're a particularly aware and skilled and mature sexual person.
00:07:40
Speaker
For the most part, men go into sexual encounters with a high degree of selfishness because they haven't been taught not to, or there's no consequences for them not doing it, or very little consequences.
00:07:50
Speaker
And a lot of men's eyes, if they have sex, whether or not it was good for you or not, they don't particularly care.
00:07:55
Speaker
It doesn't cost them anything to give you bad sex.
00:07:57
Speaker
Right.
00:07:57
Speaker
And the informal gossip network, which I think is a great thing for women to try to exert power, like if a guy's really bad in bed and that gets around.
00:08:04
Speaker
But like often that never really gets around.
00:08:07
Speaker
So a lot of men just feel like I had sex or they'll just call the girl a whore.
00:08:10
Speaker
And then like she gets slut shamed.
00:08:11
Speaker
So then they don't care.
00:08:13
Speaker
Yeah, it's the thing.
00:08:15
Speaker
It ends up backfiring on the woman because, again, equality, it ends up looking bad on the woman if it gets out that she had a sexual encounter with a man, especially a casual one, more so than the man.
00:08:27
Speaker
Right.
00:08:27
Speaker
So once again, if we're not talking about these factors and we're talking about why we aren't having good sex or what feminist sex is, then you're just wasting your time.
00:08:35
Speaker
Everything after that is just like feel good fluff about like, we always want women to have sexual pleasure and the joy of sex.
00:08:42
Speaker
Like, yes, all of us want that.
00:08:44
Speaker
We are all in agreement there.
00:08:46
Speaker
The question is, why aren't we having it?
00:08:49
Speaker
And no one wants to talk about the problem.
00:08:51
Speaker
Yeah.
00:08:52
Speaker
Yeah, you can't really talk about the liberation of the oppressed class without talking about the role of the oppressor.
00:09:00
Speaker
It would just be like talking about liberating the slaves without talking about the role of the slave masters.
00:09:06
Speaker
Like, it doesn't make any sense.
Strategies for Achieving Feminist Sex
00:09:08
Speaker
So the purposes of discussion for the rest of this episode, FDS is going to focus on the two points that we bring up about women's ability to exert our influence on men as far as sexual compliance and the ability for women to make informed, healthy decisions about their bodies free from male social, economic, legal, and political influence.
00:09:28
Speaker
Because we look at it like a strategy, right?
00:09:31
Speaker
Right.
00:09:32
Speaker
So I feel like liberal feminism, they have so much focus on what it should be ideologically and not on a tangible, granular level.
00:09:39
Speaker
So our focus on feminist sex for this episode and the episodes to come about feminist sex are going to be about strategy to exert sexual compliance from men to your sexual desires, to discover your sexual desires, to get education about your body, and then how to exert sexual compliance for men.
00:09:57
Speaker
Because if you don't have that, then you're not going to be able to have good sex.
00:10:00
Speaker
If you can't figure that out.
00:10:01
Speaker
Yeah.
00:10:02
Speaker
So, and also assessing your risks and rewards with sex with men.
00:10:06
Speaker
So, okay.
Sex Education Before the Internet
00:10:07
Speaker
So first point, first, we're going to talk about the biological aspects of feminist sex.
00:10:11
Speaker
The first point is the ability and resources to understand the biological mechanisms of our bodies.
00:10:16
Speaker
So AKA sex education.
00:10:18
Speaker
So this is a huge controversy, especially for us who grew up prior to the internet age, or at least like had most of our childhood without the internet.
00:10:28
Speaker
All of your sex education used to come from your parents and or from your health class at school or through the informal network of child bullshit, of child lies and fairy tales that you would make up and tell stories to each other because you didn't know any better.
00:10:44
Speaker
It was so bad as well.
00:10:45
Speaker
I remember sex ed was basically, at least when I was growing up in the UK, it would be like women menstruate and boys have wet dreams.
Impact of Abstinence-Only Education
00:10:54
Speaker
That was pretty much it.
00:10:56
Speaker
In the States, we had something called abstinence-only education.
00:10:59
Speaker
What?
00:11:00
Speaker
Okay.
00:11:01
Speaker
That was Bush era.
00:11:03
Speaker
Yeah, Bush era.
00:11:08
Speaker
Yeah, there was a push towards schools.
00:11:10
Speaker
And let me actually Google this real quick because I want to make sure I'm talking about
00:11:14
Speaker
Was it Baby Bush era or H.W.
00:11:16
Speaker
Bush?
00:11:17
Speaker
Baby Bush era.
00:11:18
Speaker
It was Baby Bush.
00:11:19
Speaker
Oh, God.
00:11:20
Speaker
That's quite recent.
00:11:21
Speaker
Damn.
00:11:22
Speaker
Yeah, I know.
00:11:23
Speaker
No, this is not ancient history.
00:11:24
Speaker
This is from when I was a kid, right?
00:11:27
Speaker
Abstinence only education.
00:11:30
Speaker
I mean, I got that in the church, but I didn't know that was an actual, like, an approved curriculum in the U.S.,
00:11:36
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:37
Speaker
So during the Bush era, the government would only fund these abstinence only programs.
00:11:43
Speaker
So basically, if you wanted money from the federal government for your school, the... Oh my God.
00:11:51
Speaker
Let me actually read the actual...
00:11:52
Speaker
So in the US, states could apply for federal funding of abstinence-only sex education programs from either Title V, the Adolescent Family Life, AFLA, or the Community-Based Abstinence Education, CVAE.
00:12:06
Speaker
To be eligible for funding, programs must satisfy requirements given under the Social Security Act, which is reproduced here verbatim.
00:12:13
Speaker
So this is actually a federally funded initiative to push abstinence only education.
00:12:18
Speaker
So for the purposes of this section, the term absence education means an educational or motivational program, which has its exclusive purpose teaching the social, psychological and health gains to be realized by abstaining from sexual activity, teaches abstinence from sexual activity outside marriage as the expected standard for all school age children, teaches that abstinence from sexual activity is the only certain way to avoid out of wedlock pregnancies, sexually transmitted diseases and other associated health problems.
00:12:42
Speaker
Teaches that a mutually faithful monogamous relationship in the context of marriage is the expected standard of human sexual activity.
00:12:49
Speaker
Teaches that the sexual activity outside the context of marriage is likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects.
00:12:56
Speaker
Teaches that bearing children out of wedlock is likely to have harmful consequences for the child, the child's parents and society.
00:13:02
Speaker
Teaches young people how to reject sexual advances and how alcohol and drug use increases vulnerability to sexual advances.
00:13:08
Speaker
Jesus Christ.
00:13:09
Speaker
This is bad.
00:13:11
Speaker
AH teaches the importance of attaining self-sufficiency before engaging in sexual activity.
00:13:16
Speaker
So these are the bullet points that were part of the federal requirements in the United States in order for you to get funding under Title V, for states to get funding for their sex program under Title V. So the funding, which began in the 1980s, I guess it did actually begin under George Bush Sr. So the funding, which began under the 1980s, has continued to increase since its inception.
00:13:37
Speaker
For example, the George W. Bush administration increased federal funding for abstinence-only programs, the only type funded even under the previous Clinton administration, while the Obama administration reversed the emphasis and provided more federal dollars for comprehensive sex education.
00:13:51
Speaker
President Trump cut grants to comprehensive sex education and proposed increased funding for abstinence-only sex education.
00:13:58
Speaker
So it wasn't reversed.
00:14:00
Speaker
So this abstinence-only education as it pertains to getting federal funding was not reversed until Obama.
00:14:07
Speaker
And then it was nullified by President Trump.
00:14:10
Speaker
Oh my gosh.
00:14:11
Speaker
And not semi-surprising, but that's wild.
00:14:15
Speaker
I thought that was only a church thing because I got that when I went to Sunday school and pretty much the church is like abstinence only.
00:14:22
Speaker
No.
00:14:22
Speaker
I mean, most schools, what they did is they would give you like the basic biological mechanisms of how your body works and then also do abstinence education as part of the curriculum because they wanted federal funding.
00:14:34
Speaker
But like they basically have like it both concurrently, but like the only type of social dynamics they were really allowed to talk about if they wanted this federal funding was abstinence only.
00:14:46
Speaker
So once again, why do they want to push this abstinence only?
00:14:50
Speaker
And it's always been about controlling female sexuality.
00:14:52
Speaker
And because we've had birth control since the 60s now.
00:14:56
Speaker
So it's not about like preventing out of wedlock pregnancies so much as it's about coercively pressuring women to see themselves as sexual beings for the existence of male pleasure.
00:15:08
Speaker
And in this case, their quote, future husband's pleasure.
00:15:10
Speaker
Right.
00:15:11
Speaker
And the problem with this is that like, I mean, besides the obvious, like the problem with this is that the lack of focus and comprehensive aspect of sex education is more hurtful to women than to men and specifically girls and boys, because women's reproductive system, as well as our sexuality, is extremely complex compared to men.
00:15:30
Speaker
Right.
00:15:31
Speaker
Just physically, biologically.
00:15:32
Speaker
Men's sexuality is essentially point and shoot, whereas like all of our organs are internal, except for like our vulva and our clitoris.
00:15:39
Speaker
So then like it's not intuitive how everything works, right?
00:15:43
Speaker
Like in the same way with men.
00:15:46
Speaker
Yeah.
00:15:46
Speaker
Isn't it like only recently that they realized that the clit is actually like much bigger than they thought it was?
00:15:51
Speaker
It's like a whole internal system.
00:15:53
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:15:54
Speaker
Like it's a whole, an internal nerve network to your clitoris, right?
00:15:59
Speaker
So science hasn't even really been seriously studying it for all that long.
00:16:04
Speaker
But again, that only serves the male imperative, which is basically to keep women ignorant so that we are forced into a
00:16:10
Speaker
some kind of sexual compliance to them.
00:16:12
Speaker
So this once again, only hurts women because the lack of ability for us to get educated and have the resources to educate our bodies like means that we don't have the ability to make informed decisions about our bodies, about how things work in order to know how to have the sex that we want, even if we want to have it.
00:16:28
Speaker
And even if we do have a compliant partner.
00:16:30
Speaker
So this is where I feel like a feminist sex education really needs to focus on
00:16:36
Speaker
And I mean, focus on it on like a real clinical educational way and not this like crazy lip thumb shit where it's all about like, I like to get choked out and punched in the face during sex.
00:16:46
Speaker
Like, no, I mean, understanding like our legitimate biological mechanisms for arousal, like, you know, whatever dopamine, serotonin, understanding, yeah, the actual physical mechanics of how our hormones affect our sexual cycles.
Medical Industry's Approach to Women's Sexual Health
00:17:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:17:01
Speaker
Yes.
00:17:02
Speaker
This is something actually, the one you touched on, this is why I think birth control massively fails women because I remember when I was prescribed birth control and several of my friends, we were saying like, I don't feel any desire at all.
00:17:16
Speaker
But we were told, no, it's not because of the pill, it's not because of that.
00:17:19
Speaker
Then the minute I came off them, it came back and it's literally like clockwork when I'm horny and when I'm not.
00:17:26
Speaker
Like, and that, like so many women aren't told that when they are prescribed with contraception, that it massively fucks with your cycle and with your desire and your hormone levels.
00:17:35
Speaker
And so they think that the problem, the reason why they're not interested in sex in quotation marks is because of them when it's not.
00:17:41
Speaker
Right, exactly.
00:17:42
Speaker
So that's another example.
00:17:43
Speaker
So the medical industry has a vested interest in downplaying women's concerns about how our sexuality works, because obviously the pill is an extremely, extremely profitable type of medication.
00:17:54
Speaker
So understanding that there are conflicting forces and conspiring forces to keep women ignorant about how our sexuality works and to be dismissive of it in order to focus on men's sexuality and to ensure our compliance
00:18:10
Speaker
in accordance to men's sexuality because it's not necessarily a problem for men that we're not enjoying the sex because of our birth control, right?
00:18:16
Speaker
Because our birth control makes us feel hormonal or bloated, etc.
00:18:19
Speaker
or lacks our sexual desire.
00:18:21
Speaker
You know, outside of just medication, like even things like the position of your cervix, like one thing I didn't know for a long time and now that I read it, it makes sense about like how where your cervix can be can sit in different spots during different parts of your ovulation cycle and so sex feels different, right?
00:18:38
Speaker
There's just like little things like that are important for us to understand physiologically, as well as understanding the interaction of medications in the medical industry and the different types they try to do.
00:18:50
Speaker
And also not even just the medical industry, but like the sex toy industry, them trying to offer us solutions that don't necessarily benefit us, but help them sell a product.
00:19:01
Speaker
Yeah, exactly.
00:19:03
Speaker
So I feel like the next generation of feminists really needs to be focused on truly understanding women's sexual mechanisms from like a biological granular level.
00:19:14
Speaker
Like we should have a lot more research on this by now, but we don't because of lack of funding, lack of interest.
00:19:20
Speaker
Well, we know why, right?
00:19:21
Speaker
The lack of interest, yeah, in science, like majority of the funding is obtained by male researchers.
Call for More Research on Women's Sexual Mechanisms
00:19:28
Speaker
Right.
00:19:28
Speaker
And since we have federal initiatives not promoting it and promoting things like abstinence-only education, then there's no financial incentive that they can draw a line to to create these products.
00:19:39
Speaker
So I'm hoping as we get more female scientists, biologists, doctors, anthropologists,
00:19:44
Speaker
that these women who are educated enough can start to put forth more female-centric hypotheses, research, narratives based on their experience of treating female patients and studying women so that we're not just out here in the dark and the way that we've been for so long.
00:20:01
Speaker
about how things work, right?
00:20:02
Speaker
Obviously, we know more than our ancestors did.
00:20:05
Speaker
But just understand that like in the absence of knowledge about how women's bodies work, the culture always tends to blame us.
00:20:11
Speaker
You know, before we understood about DNA and gametes and how sex is determined by the sperm, if you couldn't produce a son, the woman was blamed, right?
00:20:20
Speaker
Even though we know now that
00:20:22
Speaker
whether or not a woman has a son is determined by the man's, whether or not a baby is a boy is determined by the man's sperm.
00:20:28
Speaker
But in the absence of that kind of knowledge, it was just thought that some women couldn't produce sons.
00:20:34
Speaker
So I feel like having the ability to really like force the education in science into a place of a female-centric narrative only serves to benefit us so that men aren't allowed to exert a lot of ignorant assumptions in the absence of information.
00:20:52
Speaker
Yes, exactly.
00:20:54
Speaker
So with that, so number two is understanding our mind-body connection when it comes
Impact of Trauma on Sexual Behavior
00:21:01
Speaker
to sex.
00:21:01
Speaker
So are we having sex because it's pleasurable to us?
00:21:04
Speaker
We want to have sex.
00:21:06
Speaker
Are we having sex or the sex you want to have a result of trauma or mental illness?
00:21:11
Speaker
So this is a bit controversial because this comes down to the discussions we've had over and over again about a lot of the people that get into BDSM or why BDSM is pushed.
00:21:20
Speaker
And they've even had people advocate for things like BDSM therapy.
00:21:24
Speaker
They do have that.
00:21:25
Speaker
They actually have that as well.
00:21:26
Speaker
Like if, say like, somebody's a BDSM and they're in therapy and their therapist kink shames them, i.e.
00:21:33
Speaker
expresses concern over it, they'll be like, I'll just find a kink-friendly therapist.
00:21:37
Speaker
When it's like, sometimes the self-harm is the BDSM.
00:21:41
Speaker
Right, exactly.
00:21:42
Speaker
So I think, once again, when you're talking about the element of just having the element of choice, and you're not talking about the mind-body connection of sex, and how a lot of times women through trauma, or through social coercion, or otherwise, will have experiences of sex that are actually harmful for them, even while we're calling it empowering.
Self-Awareness in Sexual Choices
00:22:05
Speaker
It's just like how people in the BDSM world can never tell you why like 99% of subs are female and 99% of doms are male.
00:22:14
Speaker
They'll always throw in the whole, well, female doms exist.
00:22:17
Speaker
I'm just like, well, yeah, no one's denying that.
00:22:19
Speaker
But the gender split is massively in favour of the women being the subs and the men being the doms, which tracks general gender stereotypes and gender dynamics in the wider world.
00:22:33
Speaker
Yeah.
00:22:34
Speaker
And understanding your sexuality sometimes is a function of your self-esteem.
00:22:38
Speaker
I mean, truthfully, sometimes when you don't have a good relationship with your body, you'll seek out sexual experiences that reinforce that kind of thing.
00:22:48
Speaker
And I feel...
00:22:48
Speaker
I feel like it's important for us to talk about that from an education standpoint.
00:22:52
Speaker
So if our first point was about just the physical, biological components, this would be the psychological components, which a lot of times is biological as well, but also like socially enforced.
00:23:01
Speaker
So understanding those narratives, creating a mind body connection and for women to understand the
00:23:08
Speaker
when they're seeking out sex or having sex or having sex is not making them feel good or like articulating things that aren't making them feel good because there's actually a connection to how bad they feel about themselves and their body.
00:23:18
Speaker
So the idea is to raise women's self-esteem so that the sexual pleasure that you're having is not a function of you just not having the self-esteem to ask otherwise or feeling you deserve crap, you know?
00:23:31
Speaker
Yeah.
00:23:31
Speaker
And another thing in general, more broadly, is that a lot of people struggle to articulate the why when they do something, right?
00:23:40
Speaker
So I've worked in recruitment a lot of the times, and lots of candidates fall down.
00:23:44
Speaker
They have the experience, but they can't articulate or they forget to articulate the reason why they've done something, which is where...
00:23:52
Speaker
the higher marks come in because it tracks the applicant's thought process, right?
00:23:57
Speaker
It's the same with sex.
00:23:58
Speaker
People think it's a bad idea to ask themselves why they're doing something, right?
00:24:02
Speaker
They just think, I enjoy it, therefore I enjoy it, and I'm just going to move on.
00:24:06
Speaker
But really, really ask yourself, you know, what is it you're getting out of your sexual encounters?
00:24:10
Speaker
Why do you have sex in a certain way?
00:24:13
Speaker
You can either understand yourself better, and then, you know, when you have a better understanding of yourself and your wants and your needs, it's easier to go for that.
00:24:21
Speaker
Or...
00:24:22
Speaker
you might actually find, well, hang on a minute, I don't know why I'm doing this or the reason why is rooted in some sort of trauma.
00:24:29
Speaker
And you can act accordingly.
00:24:30
Speaker
But asking yourself why is not doubting yourself necessarily, or it's not anti-sex or whatever.
00:24:36
Speaker
It's just getting a better understanding of yourself and
Sponsorship: Manscaped
00:24:39
Speaker
your thought process.
00:24:39
Speaker
Because once you have that, it's then a lot easier to advocate for yourself because you'll know what you need to have good sex.
00:24:48
Speaker
Exactly.
00:24:48
Speaker
This episode of The Female Dating Strategy has been brought to you by Manscaped.
00:24:53
Speaker
And it might be the most FDS-aligned advertiser of all time.
00:24:57
Speaker
Absolutely.
00:24:57
Speaker
Let's go ahead and read this whole ad copy from top to bottom, because Scroats, let us learn you how to be attractive to your woman this Valentine's Day season.
00:25:07
Speaker
Breaking news, ladies.
00:25:08
Speaker
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00:25:11
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00:25:14
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00:25:14
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00:25:20
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00:25:22
Speaker
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00:25:27
Speaker
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00:25:29
Speaker
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00:25:30
Speaker
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00:25:32
Speaker
Unless he has skid marks and then we can't help you.
00:25:34
Speaker
You're on your own with that.
00:25:36
Speaker
Plus he can sculpt his look however his heart desires to fully unlock his bearded confidence this Valentine's.
00:25:42
Speaker
Even better, you can save 20% off and free shipping by going to manscaped.com and using the code FDS.
00:25:48
Speaker
Damn, I just really, really love a guy with a good beard along with good hygiene.
00:25:53
Speaker
I mean, this is our 100th episode, is it not?
00:25:56
Speaker
We're 100 episodes in.
00:25:58
Speaker
For 100 episodes, we have begged you to trim your beard and pubes.
00:26:03
Speaker
For all our male listeners, this Valentine's Day, surprise your woman with very neatly trimmed beards by going to manscaped.com.
00:26:12
Speaker
getting free shipping and 20% off by entering the code FDS.
00:26:16
Speaker
And if you're a woman and you want to give your man some explicit hints about what he needs to do, that'll make him feel good, make him look moisturized.
00:26:26
Speaker
And let's face it, it's also kind of a gift to yourself because you're helping him look more attractive to you.
00:26:31
Speaker
Then go to manscaped.com, enter code FDS for 20% off and free shipping.
00:26:37
Speaker
The Beard Hedger Pro Kit is the ultimate Valentine's Day present to give his Cupid an arrow from Manscaped this V-Day.
00:26:46
Speaker
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00:26:52
Speaker
And along with having only one guard, which leaves little mess, it's also waterproof, which means he can shave in the shower whilst he's washing his ass to avoid all that hair in the sink or on the bathroom floor.
00:27:04
Speaker
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00:27:06
Speaker
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00:27:08
Speaker
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00:27:12
Speaker
Manscaped and Valentine's Day are the perfect pair and the new Beard Hedger Pro Kit doesn't end there.
00:27:18
Speaker
So what comes in the Beard Hedger Pro Kit?
00:27:20
Speaker
So you have a beard shampoo and conditioner.
00:27:22
Speaker
It's specifically designed to moisturize, reduce ingrown hairs and replace natural oils and promote beard health.
00:27:29
Speaker
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00:27:34
Speaker
Okay, so get that shampoo and conditioner and moisturize your beard every day.
00:27:40
Speaker
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00:27:42
Speaker
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00:27:43
Speaker
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00:27:44
Speaker
The Manscaped beard oil relieves dryness both on the beard and on the skin beneath while adding a little shimmer and shine, making him look extra fine.
00:27:54
Speaker
And the kit also comes with a beard balm, a pomade that shapes and styles and moisturizes and tames your beard for a sculpted look.
00:28:03
Speaker
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00:28:09
Speaker
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00:28:10
Speaker
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00:28:23
Speaker
Nobody likes a weird beard.
00:28:24
Speaker
And for women...
00:28:26
Speaker
This is a great gift to get them to get their hygiene together.
00:28:30
Speaker
So women, if you have a man who has a beard and he doesn't know that there's all these products out there to help him get his hygiene together, this is the perfect time to broach this discussion during Valentine's Day under the guise of a gift.
00:28:43
Speaker
Tell him he needs to moisturize that struggly, scruffily, scruggly, smuggly beard.
00:28:48
Speaker
The one that like scratches up your whole face when you go to kiss him.
00:28:52
Speaker
Makes your badge feel like it's on fire when he's eating the box.
00:28:55
Speaker
Head over to Manscaped.com today using the code FDS.
00:28:59
Speaker
Beard Hedger.
00:29:00
Speaker
One stroke, one guard, 20 lengths.
00:29:02
Speaker
Manscaped.com.
00:29:03
Speaker
Code FDS.
00:29:05
Speaker
So third bullet point, are you aware of, educated about, and free to choose sexual partners based on favorable
Identifying Attractive Traits
00:29:11
Speaker
physical traits?
00:29:11
Speaker
So physical attraction triggers.
00:29:13
Speaker
No.
00:29:16
Speaker
Okay.
00:29:16
Speaker
So there's a lot of women and I've seen this over and over in the form where women are like, I thought I was asexual.
00:29:22
Speaker
A lot of women legit, I think I went through an ace phase where I thought I was asexual too, because I just, but it was really that I thought a lot of the men around me were ugly and unattractive.
00:29:31
Speaker
Like I just was not attracted to them.
00:29:33
Speaker
Does not mean I was asexual.
00:29:35
Speaker
And a lot of that comes down to women blaming themselves when they don't encounter men that they find sexually attractive because men in a lot of ways are not socialized to do things that women find sexually attractive.
00:29:48
Speaker
So I think this is actually...
00:29:51
Speaker
huge.
00:29:52
Speaker
Like a lot of women, their sexuality is so shaped by men because a lot of our first introduction to what sex is comes from porn, that they don't have the ability to connect with themselves enough to realize like, what types of things am I actually attracted to?
00:30:06
Speaker
Like think through about, like legitimately think through and think about when you look at a man, what turns you on about him?
00:30:13
Speaker
Yeah, it's like almost the reverse in that episode when you said like people should move to different locations as well.
00:30:22
Speaker
I'm taking that advice in terms of men.
00:30:23
Speaker
Literally, I thought I was like asexual until I go on holiday to Europe and actually every other man is like, like wood, wood, wood shag, wood shag, wood shag.
00:30:35
Speaker
But in Britain, my radar doesn't go off ever.
00:30:38
Speaker
like maybe once every five years.
00:30:41
Speaker
So I'm literally like, honestly, like I'm not saying other women should do this, but I'm trying to get out of England for that reason.
00:30:48
Speaker
So I can see more men I'm attracted to generally.
00:30:52
Speaker
Dead ass.
00:30:53
Speaker
And it's just nice.
00:30:54
Speaker
And even if you're partnered, like it's just nice to have like men that you find visually appealing just to look at, you know, I think that keeps your sexuality in check.
00:31:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:31:04
Speaker
They say that there's plenty of fish in the sea.
00:31:06
Speaker
Sometimes that sea is full of dead, rotting anglerfish.
00:31:09
Speaker
Honest to God, like location does make a massive, well, at least in my experience, location makes a massive, massive difference in terms of sexually attractive men or visually sexually attractive men.
00:31:20
Speaker
Yeah, fish in different waters.
00:31:21
Speaker
Like you don't have to keep putting your, dipping your toe and pulling out.
00:31:25
Speaker
In the Dirty Thames, go to the Atlantic.
00:31:29
Speaker
In the Dirty Thames, pulling out like ugly ass blobfishes and stuff.
00:31:33
Speaker
I think that's actually a huge under a steady part of women's sexual attraction mechanisms is that a lot of the men around us don't do enough to actually be sexually attractive
Asexual Perceptions and Preferences
00:31:42
Speaker
to us.
00:31:42
Speaker
And so it's not that you're asexual.
00:31:45
Speaker
It's that the men around you just aren't attractive.
00:31:47
Speaker
The ability for women to recognize that and then start to articulate why a man is not sexually attracted to us is so important.
00:31:53
Speaker
So I'm actually huge on body shape.
00:31:56
Speaker
I have a whole diagram.
00:31:57
Speaker
Yeah.
00:32:01
Speaker
Because I would look at men's bodies and I would be like, I'm not attracted to his body.
00:32:05
Speaker
And I don't know why, especially if they're fit.
00:32:07
Speaker
Sometimes I would be like, well, he's fit.
00:32:08
Speaker
I should be attracted to him.
00:32:09
Speaker
But men have body shapes too, like women.
00:32:12
Speaker
Yes, exactly.
00:32:14
Speaker
Yeah, they have body shapes like women.
00:32:15
Speaker
And then I realized like, oh, I like a man with broad shoulders and an itty bitty waist, like in a big old dump chunk ass.
00:32:20
Speaker
I like guys with like thick glute muscles, but not like a peach, but like a guy that has like, he works out his glutes, like aerodynamic thrusting power.
00:32:32
Speaker
Look at that bonus episode on the Patreon.
00:32:35
Speaker
like flat bums on men just piss me off.
00:32:37
Speaker
I've spoken about this in the Discord, but it just pisses me off, especially when like men don't really have to do a lot to have a decent bum.
00:32:44
Speaker
They can literally play basketball or, you know, ride a bike every so often to grow their grips.
00:32:49
Speaker
But when it's like totally flat, it just annoys me and it's not attractive.
00:32:53
Speaker
Yeah, I want a man who's shaped like a Dorito, like broad shoulders, itty bitty waist.
00:32:57
Speaker
Upside down Dorito, I was thinking.
00:32:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:00
Speaker
upside down Dorito.
00:33:02
Speaker
Yeah.
00:33:02
Speaker
Like the inverted triangle or the trapezoid.
00:33:05
Speaker
I like the trapezoid as well.
00:33:07
Speaker
And some guys are square.
00:33:08
Speaker
But if you look at like men who are really into fashion, like some like male celebrities, like I know, for example, Kings used to do this a lot.
00:33:16
Speaker
They would have the, like a paole as they call them, like the shoulder pads for that reason to give the illusion of broad shoulders.
00:33:24
Speaker
Like men can also, I guess, in the sense that
00:33:27
Speaker
in sort of the way that women can almost manipulate their features to appear like they have a smaller waist.
00:33:32
Speaker
Like, men can do the same thing, they just can't be bothered.
00:33:34
Speaker
And it's like, this isn't new information.
00:33:36
Speaker
Like, the reason why, for example, military dress is the way it is, is to accentuate things like the shoulders and to give the illusion of a narrow waist.
00:33:44
Speaker
Like, men in the 1800s got the memo.
00:33:48
Speaker
Like literally, honestly, these men, they would wear corsets as well to make their shoulders appear broader and their waist narrower.
00:33:55
Speaker
They would literally wear corsets.
00:33:56
Speaker
Super tight corsets.
00:33:58
Speaker
Yeah, men today have given up.
00:34:00
Speaker
They're not doing any of that shit.
00:34:03
Speaker
Yeah, I do remember like those old timey muscle bodybuilding guys and they'd always stick out their chest.
00:34:09
Speaker
But in comparison today where they can get really, really lean, those guys look all flabby and sick.
00:34:12
Speaker
The guys with the handlebar mustaches.
00:34:14
Speaker
What's this?
00:34:17
Speaker
And like the slick down middle part, like, uh.
00:34:20
Speaker
They had drip.
00:34:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:34:21
Speaker
Good day, sir.
00:34:23
Speaker
Might I say your muscles are quite dashing today.
00:34:27
Speaker
They are drip.
00:34:28
Speaker
For me, it's like the voice.
00:34:30
Speaker
I think like, honestly, a guy can literally look like Lutz out of Lord of the Rings, like Google it, ladies.
00:34:35
Speaker
But if he has like a smooth voice, it's a wrap for me.
00:34:39
Speaker
Smell is so huge.
00:34:40
Speaker
Like for me, it's smell.
00:34:42
Speaker
Smell turns me on.
00:34:43
Speaker
There's times where if you're on an elevator or some guy that just walks past you, the smells good.
00:34:47
Speaker
It always makes me do a double take.
00:34:49
Speaker
So I feel like if you're a woman and you're trying to figure out if you think you're asexual,
00:34:54
Speaker
Actually, like watch a bunch of different sports and look at the men's bodies.
00:34:58
Speaker
I'm serious.
00:35:00
Speaker
And try to figure out which group of men's bodies you like.
00:35:03
Speaker
Because I feel like if you watch enough sports, you'll start to figure out like... You'll start to get an idea.
00:35:08
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:09
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:09
Speaker
Which body type is for you?
00:35:11
Speaker
Basketball players are built one way.
00:35:13
Speaker
NBA players are built one way.
00:35:15
Speaker
Baseball players are built one way.
00:35:17
Speaker
Cyclists are built another way.
00:35:18
Speaker
Cross-country runners, footballers.
00:35:21
Speaker
They have different sizes and shapes as well as different types of conditioning.
00:35:25
Speaker
So their muscles grow in different places.
00:35:27
Speaker
So when I think of men who I'm generally viscerally sexually attracted to, as far as their body type, it's almost always NFL or baseball players.
00:35:35
Speaker
Especially baseball players because I like thicky men.
00:35:37
Speaker
But because I like men who are a little thick, but for other women, I know it might be like that tall, slender look of like a diver, right?
00:35:44
Speaker
Yeah, like a swimming body.
00:35:45
Speaker
Yeah.
00:35:46
Speaker
Or as I always suggest, go to a different, if you can afford it.
00:35:50
Speaker
I mean, I always recommend travel generally, but I understand it's not accessible for many people, but also go to different places and locations just to see different, experience different cultures as well.
00:36:01
Speaker
If you can, I find travel is also a good way to reignite your...
00:36:06
Speaker
sexual drive, especially if you're living in an area where there is like a drought of good looking men.
00:36:12
Speaker
Sometimes just hopping over a border can help to remind you that you are heterosexual.
00:36:18
Speaker
Yeah, I feel like gay men have this figured out because they have different types of men's bodies, like bears, jocks, twinks, fairies, right?
00:36:27
Speaker
And that is a description of different types of bodies that men can have that are attractive to other men.
00:36:33
Speaker
So I feel like it goes to say that for women, we also have sexual preferences as far as like men's physical body types.
00:36:41
Speaker
We haven't really categorized it and we haven't really like cataloged it in a real way.
00:36:46
Speaker
Right.
00:36:46
Speaker
So I feel like that's once again, part of what should be part of feminist sex, which is like understanding and cataloging
00:36:54
Speaker
men's body types and understanding how and what turns us on about it, about the different body types.
00:37:01
Speaker
So the physical body type aspect, but also things like Savannah said, their voice, their smell, obviously their penis size, their height, hair.
00:37:10
Speaker
body hair.
00:37:11
Speaker
There's all sorts of things that can turn a woman on.
00:37:15
Speaker
And obviously, every woman is different.
00:37:17
Speaker
But I don't feel like there's any discussion in our culture of like really actually putting a name to different body types that men have.
00:37:23
Speaker
Because I think if we do that, then women will stop talking about how they're demisexual or asexual and shit and start like...
00:37:30
Speaker
Start paying attention to like the actual physicality of men.
00:37:33
Speaker
But I think that once again, it's on purpose.
00:37:36
Speaker
Men would feel bad about themselves if women actually talked about men's bodies, the way men talk about our bodies.
00:37:41
Speaker
Right.
00:37:42
Speaker
And so they are always going to fight against us recognizing and cataloging that men have different body types and that women have different body type preferences, not just penis size, which we do talk about, but just actual physical body type.
00:37:54
Speaker
Because like then if they don't meet that standard, let's
00:37:56
Speaker
Because, you know, women's body types go through seasons of being like popular.
00:37:59
Speaker
So like right now, the hourglass look is really in.
00:38:02
Speaker
But like, what if, you know, the bodybuilder type for men becomes really big?
00:38:06
Speaker
We're like the big, huge muscles and a bunch of guys who don't have that body type are going to start to feel bad.
00:38:10
Speaker
And that's why they don't want women to have like collective consciousness about what we find sexually attractive, because then they would have to comply and they don't want to comply.
00:38:17
Speaker
So feminist sex needs to focus on cataloging men's bodies, telling women to focus on and know that it's okay to have physical preferences and to recognize when if you're actually asexual or if you just think dudes are ugly, you just think the men around you are sexually unattractive because those are two different things.
00:38:36
Speaker
It's just annoying though, like a lot of the libfem media and liberal feminists, I mean, more so liberal feminists mean well when they say that we shouldn't body shame men, but it's like, it's not the same.
00:38:48
Speaker
And it's not the same.
00:38:49
Speaker
And it could even be a woman saying like, I don't find X guy attractive or I think X guy is ugly.
00:38:55
Speaker
Like I'll say we should body shame men.
00:38:57
Speaker
I'm just like, stop.
00:38:59
Speaker
Like it's not body shaming to not be attracted to something or to a feature or a certain feature.
00:39:04
Speaker
And again, like Ro said, it's just not the same.
00:39:06
Speaker
I think it has different connotations when women say something like that versus when men say something like that.
00:39:11
Speaker
But voice your preferences.
00:39:12
Speaker
Be loud and proud about your preferences, ladies, because men are doing exactly the same thing, is what I'd say.
00:39:18
Speaker
Yeah.
00:39:18
Speaker
And recognize that you have preferences.
00:39:20
Speaker
You don't have to be attracted to a guy just because he's nice to you and he's not like ugly, right?
00:39:24
Speaker
Because sometimes I think women feel bad because they look at a guy and he's like, well, he's not ugly, but they don't feel viscerally sexually attracted to him.
00:39:30
Speaker
But there's a such a massive difference between a guy that you like, but you're not viscerally sexually attracted to and a man you are viscerally sexually attracted to.
00:39:40
Speaker
It's totally different.
00:39:42
Speaker
And also, as I always say, I might get this printed on a T-shirt, but pussy is not socialist.
00:39:47
Speaker
It's not open.
00:39:49
Speaker
It's not like everyone who can't get it needs access.
00:39:52
Speaker
No.
00:39:53
Speaker
Exactly.
00:39:54
Speaker
So, which brings us to our next point, which I think we don't want to just focus on things we find attractive about men that are physical, but also behavioral.
00:40:03
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:04
Speaker
And where this comes into play in our culture and in women's sexuality is in the form of erotica, because erotica relies very heavily on certain behaviors and sexually attractive behaviors that men can exhibit that women like.
00:40:19
Speaker
Yeah.
00:40:20
Speaker
And you can see the difference between erotica and porn.
00:40:23
Speaker
So erotica is mainly geared towards women in that there is like, besides, because I read a lot of erotica, as you all know, and a lot of women say like, oh, this erotica isn't FDS aligned.
00:40:34
Speaker
And I personally don't think that's necessarily the point.
Erotica vs. Porn: Catering to Women's Desires
00:40:38
Speaker
But what I found consistent across all the erotica that I've read from, you know, period romance to BDSM erotica is that the woman's wider needs are being met.
00:40:48
Speaker
So the guy is handsome.
00:40:49
Speaker
The guy has money.
00:40:51
Speaker
Usually the guy's affectionate, the guy cares about her.
00:40:53
Speaker
The guy cares about her sexual pleasure.
00:40:56
Speaker
You know, versus porn where, you know, we just see there's no storyline, there's no plot.
00:41:01
Speaker
And that is very deliberate because it's marketed towards men who are then conditioned into not caring about the other aspects of romance that are present in erotica novels usually.
00:41:13
Speaker
And so that's a massive difference between the two.
00:41:17
Speaker
I'll probably do a special episode on my favourite eroticas, but even though they still pick me, a lot of them, in fact, all of them, but they do hit the mark on the woman's wider needs being met.
00:41:26
Speaker
So, for example, one of my favourite eroticas of all time is a BDSM one.
00:41:30
Speaker
And in it, she meets a dom and they begin a relationship.
00:41:34
Speaker
And he made sure all of her financial needs were taken care of.
00:41:38
Speaker
He was always available to her.
00:41:39
Speaker
He was always interested in her as a person.
00:41:41
Speaker
And even though it had that overarching BDSM storyline, but the point was that, I mean, you could understand, you know, why there was a deeper sexual connection because she felt taken care of by this man.
00:41:53
Speaker
Yeah, I think erotica is a good place to start when we talk about what women's sexuality would look like if it was somewhat free of male coercion.
00:42:04
Speaker
And if men showed up and actually fully did their part as well.
00:42:08
Speaker
Yeah, because it's really, really comprehensive in comparison to gonzo porn, right?
00:42:12
Speaker
Like just like Savannah said, gonzo porn, there's no plot.
00:42:15
Speaker
It's just a woman and a man or a woman or multiple men, multiple people have sex in a very out of context way.
00:42:25
Speaker
That's not necessarily how women's sexuality works.
00:42:28
Speaker
That seems to be primarily how men's sexuality works.
00:42:31
Speaker
And so I feel like it's really important to recognize that women's sexuality has a much more comprehensive set of factors that we need to feel sexual attraction.
00:42:40
Speaker
And I feel like we need to fight for that and push that forward as just as equally valid and as a sexuality as what our porn culture has turned us into.
00:42:49
Speaker
So a couple of points to back up what Savannah is saying about erotic novels.
00:42:54
Speaker
I never really read BDSM, but like I did go through like my trashy romance novel phase like everyone does.
00:42:59
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:01
Speaker
So yeah, a couple of the tropes that I liked of the books that I read, and you see this over and over, the guy's always handsome, right?
00:43:07
Speaker
He's always tall and handsome.
00:43:08
Speaker
So I feel like universally, at least I've never read an erotica that was about a man who was shorter than the woman.
00:43:14
Speaker
I don't think I've ever seen it.
00:43:16
Speaker
Or a guy who was admittedly unattractive.
00:43:19
Speaker
Like they always go to great detail about how, you know, he's got washboard abs or he's tall or he's got a clean cut jaw, full head of hair, stuff like that.
00:43:28
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:29
Speaker
Yeah.
00:43:30
Speaker
So women's sexual attraction universally seems to be tied to height.
00:43:35
Speaker
So sorry.
00:43:36
Speaker
Doesn't mean that like it's women won't find shorter men attractive.
00:43:39
Speaker
I just think it's not as common.
00:43:41
Speaker
I think, yeah.
00:43:42
Speaker
most commonly women are sexually attracted to men who are, doesn't have to be super tall, but at least taller than them.
00:43:47
Speaker
I mean, ultimately like erotica is based on the authors and the author's pick and they're aware of this too.
00:43:53
Speaker
Also bearing in mind that a lot of erotic novels are actually written by men, but they're released under a female name.
00:44:00
Speaker
Interesting.
00:44:01
Speaker
I think all the people that I read were actually women because they had like photos and would do book tours and stuff.
00:44:08
Speaker
But, okay.
00:44:09
Speaker
So another thing that you'll see in a romance novel is there's usually some kind of journey.
00:44:13
Speaker
And the entire journey is part of the sexual awakening itself.
00:44:17
Speaker
So this is why, once again, it's such a contrast to the grounds of porn.
00:44:20
Speaker
And I think this is why men don't understand our sexuality because they want it to be like, if I plug in X and Y factors, it should spit out Z. But it's actually...
00:44:30
Speaker
The journey of discovering the sexuality with another person is part of our sexual turn-ons.
00:44:35
Speaker
And men always want to skip past that part.
00:44:37
Speaker
And I'm not even talking about just foreplay.
00:44:39
Speaker
I'm talking about the getting to know that person.
00:44:41
Speaker
And it's part of the intimacy as well.
00:44:43
Speaker
Like in, you know, recognising that there will be sometimes barriers that need to be overcome.
00:44:48
Speaker
There'll be shyness, there'll be nerves, but it's also navigating through that together.
00:44:53
Speaker
And the man in this instance, in a lot of the rest, because I read, he was always very supportive or had some further insight or scaled back.
00:45:01
Speaker
Do you know what I mean?
00:45:01
Speaker
And it's just stuff that doesn't really play out in things like porn or even heterosexual relationships more generally when they want sex by the third date before they even know when your birthday is.
00:45:10
Speaker
Yeah, that's why we always say pushing off sex is better.
00:45:13
Speaker
And it's not just because of us trying to put an arbitrary date in place to test men or whatever, but even though it is a good test, but it's also because like you need time to build sexual intimacy.
00:45:24
Speaker
I just think that a lot of women's sexuality is slower, right?
00:45:28
Speaker
Meaning the entire process of discovering that person is a sexual being is what builds sexual attraction and builds sexual tension for women.
00:45:37
Speaker
And men don't understand that, which is why they're always trying to rush it.
00:45:39
Speaker
But I think, again, this might be a place where women's sexuality, men's sexuality is somewhat at odds.
00:45:44
Speaker
I'm not saying it's always like this because there's some guys who are just like hot as fuck.
00:45:47
Speaker
And I get like, it's a struggle to not want to fuck them.
00:45:50
Speaker
But like sometimes a lot of our sexuality does need a little bit more of a time to grow, right?
00:45:57
Speaker
Right.
00:45:57
Speaker
The other thing that you'll see in romance novels is the man makes some kind of sacrifice or act of fealty or does an amazing feat, an
Physical Achievements and Female Attraction
00:46:09
Speaker
amazing feat.
00:46:09
Speaker
And I really feel like this is an understudied part of female sexual attraction as well, is that male...
00:46:16
Speaker
competition, male sacrifice is actually sexy to women.
00:46:20
Speaker
And it's actually not just us.
00:46:21
Speaker
It's like sexy to female mammals.
00:46:24
Speaker
Because when you look at the sexuality of a lot of other female mammals, and this is why, you know, male moose will grow big antlers and fight each other.
00:46:33
Speaker
you know, male hippos are really like aggressive towards each other during mating season.
00:46:37
Speaker
A lot of that is because both for sexual dominance against the other man, but also like sexual display for the female.
00:46:45
Speaker
So I feel like when we talk about why certain men are sexually attractive to women and not others, a lot of it comes down to like,
00:46:52
Speaker
their ability to do things that make them look like they're going to be good protective partners for your offspring, right?
00:47:00
Speaker
On a very primal level.
00:47:02
Speaker
So this is why athletes pretty much get whatever they want, right?
00:47:04
Speaker
I mean, seriously, they're like, they're super paid.
00:47:07
Speaker
They have all the money in the world.
00:47:08
Speaker
And also they're the best physical offerings of our species, the best physical examples of our species.
00:47:15
Speaker
So
00:47:16
Speaker
Essentially, it's because on a very primal level, we recognize, at least for the thousands of years that humans were developing, that a man who has physical prowess is able to navigate the world a lot easier, as well as like, it's just sexy to us to watch a man do shit, right?
00:47:33
Speaker
This is why a lot of women also like men who work in blue collar professions, right?
00:47:37
Speaker
They like a man who works with his hands.
00:47:39
Speaker
They like a man who...
00:47:40
Speaker
Like has those type of jobs because sometimes watching men do these type of physical feats, especially because like they're stronger than us is actually sexual.
00:47:49
Speaker
Like it's sexy to watch a man chop wood, right?
00:47:51
Speaker
It's sexy to watch a man mow lawns or, you know, anything.
00:47:55
Speaker
it can be sexy to watch a man like pick up a baby, right?
00:47:57
Speaker
It's just about men doing these both pro-social, useful things, physical things, using their body for good.
00:48:06
Speaker
I feel like that's also part of women's sexuality that's not talked about because there's not really like... I think we're kind of talking about it because now with... Especially on TikTok, you're starting to see guys get a lot of attention and
00:48:18
Speaker
on their TikTok for doing things like chopping wood with their shirts off, cooking meat in a sexy way, chopping up meat.
00:48:27
Speaker
I feel like we're just in the precipice of recognizing this because of things like TikTok, where if you're a man and you're reasonably attractive and you're also doing some kind of physical activity, you'll get a ton of followers from girls on TikTok.
00:48:41
Speaker
And I feel like that's a very primal sexual thing for women is hot men doing useful things is a whole sexual trope.
00:48:48
Speaker
Like if I were to design porn for women, that would be the first thing.
00:48:51
Speaker
It'd be hot men doing useful shit.
00:48:54
Speaker
Hot men doing useful shit for society.
Feeling Special in Relationships
00:48:59
Speaker
The other part of women's sexuality, when a man makes you feel unique and special.
00:49:03
Speaker
So that's also a trope that's always in the romance novel.
00:49:06
Speaker
So there's always a guy and a lot of it glorifies toxic relationships, unfortunately, but there's always some kind of...
00:49:15
Speaker
problem for them to solve for which why the man can't fully be there for her.
00:49:20
Speaker
Right.
00:49:21
Speaker
And a lot of it has to do with like, he's emotionally unavailable that he learns to love because of her, right?
00:49:28
Speaker
Like the whole beauty and the beast trope.
00:49:30
Speaker
But the sexual trigger behind that is that he opens up for the right woman that she's special to him in some type of way.
00:49:39
Speaker
And because she's special to him, that changes to him.
00:49:41
Speaker
That's a problematic theme for a lot of reasons, but it does help to explain why so many women are attracted to toxic men or end up in relationships with toxic men because of the eroticization of a man treating you like you're special, right?
00:49:55
Speaker
Because women want to be treated like we're special.
00:49:58
Speaker
You don't necessarily want to feel like you're just another person.
00:50:01
Speaker
So if you can get a guy to be vulnerable with you in a way that he's not with other people, that makes women feel special.
00:50:06
Speaker
And that can be a sexual attraction trigger.
00:50:08
Speaker
The key to that is having it be with a man who's high value and not a completely abusive scrote.
00:50:12
Speaker
And I feel like there's a marked difference between a man who is more reserved with women until he gets to know them and a man who's a psychopath who tries to control you through emotional...
00:50:25
Speaker
withholding and abuse, right?
00:50:27
Speaker
Totally different.
00:50:28
Speaker
But I feel like in romance novels, that line isn't always drawn clearly in our culture that isn't always drawn clearly.
00:50:33
Speaker
And so you have a lot of women that end up being turned on and sexually coerced by these like emotion abusive men because they think it's going to, you know, they have low self-esteem.
00:50:41
Speaker
So they feel like this thing, if I just prove to him, I'm different than he's going to treat me like I'm special.
00:50:46
Speaker
But the truth of the matter is you have to treat yourself like you're special.
00:50:49
Speaker
And then the man who will treat you like you're special will come along.
00:50:52
Speaker
And I feel like that's just as good than doing things to try to prove yourself that you're special.
00:50:56
Speaker
So I guess it depends on the romance novels too, because there's some where the man like thinks the girl is special right away, but there's some reason why she's reluctant.
00:51:04
Speaker
So you'll see both because it's a book.
00:51:05
Speaker
It has to have some kind of conflict, but again, it's a fairy tale.
00:51:10
Speaker
Yeah, with romance novels, I think more broadly, women can take a lot from them, positives, but we also have to sometimes leave the underlying storyline because even that storyline is often problematic because it ends up, the man ends up wearing the woman down into dating him, which isn't ideal either.
00:51:28
Speaker
But yeah, you know?
00:51:30
Speaker
So I just think just take the good bits, like the sex scenes and the intimacy and the sexual build-up and just leave the rest is what I do.
00:51:37
Speaker
And oftentimes the conflict is, you know, one of them doesn't want to commit.
00:51:40
Speaker
basically.
00:51:41
Speaker
Yeah.
00:51:41
Speaker
Or they can't commit because my family will disown me if I marry a simple, stable boy, you know, stuff like that.
00:51:51
Speaker
So that's some of the key takeaways we can glean from romance novels, from erotica novels about women's sexuality.
00:52:00
Speaker
So I think
00:52:02
Speaker
that's a good place to start when we're talking about like, what are women's sexual attraction triggers when it comes to social interactions with men?
00:52:09
Speaker
Is that erotica really provides us with a framework that seems to be pretty consistent about the types of behaviors that men can exhibit that turn us on, in addition to just being tall, dark and handsome.
00:52:21
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:22
Speaker
Yeah.
00:52:23
Speaker
So that's the first part of our feminist sex series.
00:52:28
Speaker
Let us know what you think.
00:52:29
Speaker
You can discuss this on our website on the female dating strategy.com.
00:52:33
Speaker
Also on our discord from the Patreon, patreon.com forward slash the female dating strategy.
00:52:38
Speaker
You can also follow us on Twitter at fem.strat and also on Instagram at underscore the female dating strategy.
00:52:44
Speaker
Thanks for listening, Queens.
00:52:45
Speaker
And for all you scrotes out there, all the women around you are not asexual.
00:52:49
Speaker
You're just ugly.
00:52:51
Speaker
Dime bad.
00:52:53
Speaker
See you next week, ladies.
00:52:54
Speaker
Bye.