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Shining Bright in the darkness
24 Plays2 years ago
In this episode we talk about crossing the threshold between fear and love. Understanding your own inner shadows and how they manifest through others.
Finding opportunities for growth when you come out of the darkness so you shine brighter.
Get clarity when you change your unhelpful thought cycles with this FREE Downloadable tool here
Music by: Mixalund studios – brighter days ahead RAIN method: Institute of Transformational Nutrition
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Transcript
Introduction to Embracing Light and Shadows
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the opportunity that comes through the darkness, the shadows, and when you lovingly let them go, you shine brighter.
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Hey sister friend, it's Heather Georgel, your certified life and NLP practitioner. And here we make doing the inner work not suck by talking about all things motherhood, womenhood, sex, and everything in between. Are you ready? Let's talk. This is the sex and motherhood podcast.
00:00:34
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Okay. I am like super excited about today's topic and it's kind of interesting because the way that my day has panned out has not been according to plan. And I've really had to adjust and allow myself some time and some space and some grace to really get back into a mindset.
Impact of Comparison on Self-Worth
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of doing and being. And it's really funny because today's topic is all about comparison and being in darkness and identifying your shadows and your light. So have you ever noticed how easy it is to compare yourself and then punish yourself when expectations aren't met or achieved?
00:01:18
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What about the feeling of being in the dark? That place where you feel lost, stuck, overwhelmed, full of doubts and fear, and it feels impossible to get out of, right? I'm sure this already feels a little familiar, doesn't it? There is a lot of talk about comparison and how it robs you of joy, happiness, enthusiasm, and sets you up for punishing yourself in a variety of ways.
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Just one example, you know, you eat four slices of pizza and you're like, oh my gosh, I should not have done that. I have no willpower. I am terrible. So you go out and you punish yourself through exercise and you work your guts out until you almost get to that feeling of vomiting that used to be me. So the punishment and comparing yourself to what you think is good or bad or wrong.
00:02:11
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And there's also a lot of talk about how you're supposed to like avoid the darkness and the shadows that you sometimes feel and to make sure that you move like away from the darkness or jump out of it and find the light instead so that the light can make the darkness retreat or be defeated. And while it's true that light is the place that you really want to be, I want to offer you a chance to gain a new perspective.
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towards these type of statements of comparison, light, and darkness. And maybe you have even begun to realize that there is a pattern between them already, a pattern and a cycle of self-sabotage, and if you have not,
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You can learn this now. Let me begin by saying, comparison is not all bad and neither is darkness. Comparison is really great for seeing how far you've come in a personal struggle. It measures distance from one point to another. And it even is something that we greatly use on the internet to determine what to buy, right?
Cycle of Negative Energy and Self-Sabotage
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Compare, contrast, what are we buying? What are the reviews?
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But then there's the comparison you're probably most familiar with personally and you know it on such a personal level. And it's the kind that you've been punishing yourself over. And I'm definitely guilty of doing this as well. And it creates those feelings of defeat and being alone, which is where shadows start emerging.
00:03:42
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And then it feels like they set you adrift into this abyss of the doubt and the fear and the shame. And this is the darkness. And this type of comparison starts to create a cycle, a pattern of what I like to call the unhelpful thought cycle. And these unhelpful thought cycles and the unhelpful emotions that fuel them, if not acknowledged and released,
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lead to changing your energetic code and what I mean by that is everything is energy. Everything has a frequency. So when things start to go wrong or we have one thought and we don't stop it and it spirals and you may have even heard some of these phrases before like what can go wrong will go wrong or when it rains
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It pours, right? And the problem with these types of statements and this type of thought cycle that spirals is that it sends out the frequency that's going to match your frequency and your energy. So the universe doesn't know the difference between the energies.
00:04:50
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It's going to reflect and receive back the energy that you're focusing on. So what you're internally feeling, what you say to yourself, what you think of yourself, the circumstances, the actions that you're taking.
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It's sending out more of that energy towards you. Like you're projecting it and it's reflecting back to you. So if you are in a state of the discomfort or shame or guilt or anger, and you have thoughts around your worth or your capability, maybe even being less than or feeling not enough, or you don't have enough, you're going to get more of that energy.
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which consequently creates additional discomfort and that feeling of being stuck, lost and overwhelmed. And you're going to be looking for a way out, but not really know where to start. And I'm sure you're thinking, yeah, this has really been a problem, right?
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What comparison and darkness have in common though, is that while they do create discomfort, and we know that the discomfort comes with who you are, what you do, what you look like, if you're talented enough, smart enough, capable enough, I mean, the list could go on and on.
Comparison in Everyday Life
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And if you get sucked in and pulled down by this discomfort, this low grade energy long enough, you can miss the opportunities
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that are going to rise from it. So let me ask you, how many times have you judged or compared yourself to someone at the store, the gym, the park, a restaurant, even while you were driving? I'm sure there's a slew of other places I know that I have. And then you have like those unhelpful emotions set in.
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and it triggers your own doubt and shame and fear and an unhelpful thought starts to form and now you're just down the rabbit hole, right? So let me give you three different examples of how this comparison and the darkness really start to come together.
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So let's say you're going for a walk or you go to the gym and you look around and you see that one person that seems to be having it all together. They look super cute in their coordinated outfit and they're looking smoking hot with their cute little messy bun, maybe even a little bit of makeup. They already look like they have that bikini body.
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and then you look like you just rolled out of bed and so you start adjusting your top a little you you start smoothing your hair and you're thinking why on earth am i here oh my gosh i didn't even brush my teeth and i didn't put deodorant on
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Oh, could this get any worse? I will never be like her. I'm not capable of achieving that. Right? Do you see the comparison within that? Or maybe, you know, you're at the store and you see a child freaking out and causing a scene and they're screaming at the top of their lungs and it makes your anxiety spike.
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while you look around and the parents are like all calm and they're like navigating this outburst with like seriously precision and they're making this scene like not a Broadway musical which is probably how it would be if you know you or maybe I was going to do things because sometimes we these are cool and that's okay but like you look at these parents and then you start wondering well why why are you
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not being able to control yourself. Why can't you be that calm? And I would not have been able to handle this situation. And then the guilt sends in that you're not a good enough parent and, you know, you, you feel a little shameful, right? Or let's say that you're out to dinner and you're out to dinner with, you know, your, your spouse, your partner.
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And you're looking around at other couples because who doesn't like to people watch, right? And you notice that this one couple just hasn't stopped laughing and having this really engaging conversation over dinner. And you kind of start to wonder why your relationship isn't like that. Why you're just sitting here not really saying anything to each other. You're scrolling your phones or Instagram and you're not, you're not talking. And so you start to doubt your relationship. You start to doubt yourself and your relationship, your partner and
00:09:17
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And you're looking at this other couple thinking, are they prettier? Are they smarter? Are they leaner? Whatever it may be. This type of comparison will always trigger the unhelpful feelings of doubt and shame and hurt. And then we start to punish ourself and those around us. So how do you know if you're really punishing yourself? Well, when you're punishing yourself,
00:09:43
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through a comparison, it's going to leave you angry. It can leave you feeling more hurt, deflated, and even sometimes empty, which is where that darkness really resides. And your unconscious mind starts to send up memories or experiences, past events that provide evidence and what it believes is logic to what you're thinking and feeling in those moments. And it's going to help you
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believe it. After all, that is what the mind is designed to do, but that doesn't mean that it is you. You are not your thoughts or your feelings and you always have a choice. So when you're comparing yourself to others, what they're successful in doing, what they have strength in, it's going to keep you stuck in a pattern of unhelpful thoughts and emotions. That's just going to keep triggering you because on an unconscious level,
00:10:38
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Your wanting resolution from those past events, those past experiences, those past negative emotions that you felt that are connected to those experiences and events and memories. This is the opportunity I was talking about.
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the opportunity that comes through the darkness, the shadows. And when you lovingly let them go, you shine brighter. So if you continue to compare yourself to others, you are inevitably inevitably, right? Is that how you say it? We'll continue down the path that has you feeling those defeated feelings or those less than feelings for
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them, whomever them is for you. And then you're going to spend your days finding ways to continue to make that true. Just like I did when I was younger, probably around 12 to like 15. That's kind of gap. But I really started to compare myself to my sisters because they seem to have this metabolism of a cheetah and they were thin and they could wear whatever they wanted. And it felt like
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I couldn't do that because I didn't have a figure like them and I am curvier than them and I have a much larger chest than them which my husband loves by the way but I found that I wouldn't even really want to eat in front of them and if I did like go back for seconds when we were eating I felt like I was being judged if I ate more than them I didn't want to be in pictures with them because I was bigger I didn't want to wear you know clothes that would draw too much attention to myself
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even though my personality really loves the bright colors, but I didn't want to be the star, right? And to add an extra layer of defense, I would add humor to cover up my insecurities.
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And like now I can see that this was definitely all in my head, um, all in my head. And what I mean by that is it's like when I would start to work out and I'd start to eat better and they would support me and say, Hey, we'll do it with you. We'll do it with you. Because I was so stuck in this cycle of unhelpful emotions and thoughts.
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I saw it as proof because my unconscious was providing me with proof that I couldn't do this alone and that they're only doing it because they know that you're the overwrite sister. Right. And I was like the, the deaf girl, like in that movie, the designated ugly fat friend or, you know, whatever it is. And it really solidified that. And every day I lived my life and my unconscious mind would help me in making the story more true by providing more
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evidence from past experiences and memories.
Facing Darkness to Reignite Light
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And when I didn't make progress in my health, I would think, well, I'll never be good enough. This is just the way that it's going to be. And I just, oh, the emotions would rise and then I would emotionally eat and then I'd feel worse and I'd pretend like I was doing good and I wasn't doing good.
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And I bet really I wasn't fooling anyone, I bet, but I couldn't see it. And I would compare myself day in and day out and emotionally eat. And I really helped to feed this story like my life depended on it. And that's why I'm here. I am sharing this with you so that you can gain a new perspective around comparison and your light and even the shadows that are lurking. Because if you continue,
00:14:06
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the way that you're continuing in comparison, you're going to lose it. You're going to lose the opportunities. You're going to just keep feeling stuck, lost, overwhelmed, insecure, and just set yourself a drift into the darkness, not even knowing how you got there or how to get out. I missed opportunities that were being presented
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through every single one of these instances in my life. But here's the best part that I've learned. The best part is, is that it's not too late to grab hold of the darkness, look it straight in the face and say, no, I am going to reignite my light. And I'm going to keep reminding you that the mind will always look for evidence to prove what you believe is true.
00:14:50
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So now is the time to get up off the floor, cross the threshold between love and fear. And the fact that you're here listening means that unconsciously you are ready now.
00:15:03
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So how do you change the story? Well, it starts by knowing your shadows, right? I've talked about the comparison and now there's underlining shadows in the darkness. Within each of us, we have light and we have shadows, okay? And sometimes in some areas of our life, light shines bright.
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And it comes through as like confidence and we're capable and it's enthusiasm and we really know who we are. But then you can also have shadows, that part of you that has the doubts and the fear of your abilities. You go back to, I don't know who I am. What do I stand for? What do I believe?
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Plus, the shadows trigger unhelpful thoughts, which then provide evidence that you're not enough, and show you those same shadows in other people so you're triggered by their behavior as well. You see how things are coming together now, right? Remember, I said that the darkness and the shadows provide opportunities.
00:16:08
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Well, have you ever recognized how you experience a breakthrough when you cross over from the darkness or how you've grown in some way? That's because with the shadows and the darkness, you have the opportunity to reevaluate, reset, realign, like your path in life course correct,
00:16:31
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because of the opportunities of the shadows and the darkness. Life isn't always hunky dory. And no matter how much we want it to be, real growth comes from dark places. And while I do believe in shining your light, there's a lot of people that believe that you need to just shy away from the darkness and eliminate it and just always be in the light.
00:16:57
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But there's power and growth that comes from the darkness and the shadows that are casted. Now I'm not saying like go and build your dream home and get all comfortable and reside in this darkness of this
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unhelpful emotions and thoughts. That's not what I'm saying at all. But what I am saying is that it's possible to change in an instant. And the dark, the shadows are waiting to find peace and resolution and a way to reevaluate so you can love all of you. And if you aren't loving all of you, then maybe you're shying away from your shadows because you're afraid of the dark. What lies beneath? Think back if you will.
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to how you used to do shadow puppets on the wall. You know, like there's a lamp and you're like, oh, let's make a bunny. And, you know, it was really fun. It was exciting. What if you were to have that same creativity with your own inner shadows, too?
Understanding and Engaging with Personal Shadows
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How would that change? What if instead of being afraid of the darkness, allowing the doubts and the fears to pile on so you feel like you're falling again into this abyss that you just can't find your way out of? What if you could recognize
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acknowledge, investigate, and now lovingly let it go. Because if you continue not to acknowledge your shadows, there's going to be a disconnect within yourself. And according to psychologist Carl Chung, he says, the shadow is a hidden repressed and guilt laden personality. Let me repeat that. The shadow is a hidden repressed, guilt laden personality, and it lurks in the dark corners of yourself.
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Okay, shadows are primitive human emotions that many of us probably have been trained to hide or at least we try to. Emotions like the shame, the guilt, the anger, we see it as weakness and sometimes we feel even more guilty for having desires to be better than these emotions. Without identifying our shadows and acknowledging them, how can you truly embrace and love yourself or even others like
00:19:05
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you won't or you at least struggle trying to, but you're going to feel disconnected and stuck. And then you're just going to keep comparing. So let's put this into, into perspective. If I were to ask you whom do you most dislike, struggle with, feel the most judge by, I'm sure a person comes to mind. Yeah. Okay. Now,
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The same would happen if I asked you, who do you most admire? Wish you could be like, you're a little envious of. Someone comes to mind, right? Well, did you notice that the person you dislike came a lot easier than the person you admire? Okay, this is because it's easier to see the negative, the shadows of others, than it is to see the positive, the light. Why did I have you think of these two types of people?
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Let me tell ya. Okay. The person you dislike, all those things that just drive you crazy and just get right under your skin. They're also a part of your own shadow. The very things that you have repressed or you dislike about yourself.
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is your shadow. It's known as your negative shadow, which is why it's easy to spot them in other people because it's reflecting back to you the things that you really don't like. But then the person you admire, all the things that you wish you could be or to have, the traits that you're envious of,
00:20:36
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These are also shadows, but they're positive shadows. So they're more like sparks that just haven't been lit. So you are capable of achieving and having what you admire in or about this person and you gravitate towards it because it's possible for you to achieve it.
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You can see now that you wouldn't know light if you didn't know darkness, you wouldn't know kindness if you didn't know meanness, or you wouldn't know love without knowing pain.
The RAIN Method Explained
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So let me ask you, are you ready to look at your shadows and change your thought cycle that's keeping you feeling stuck and missing the opportunities that are within your reach?
00:21:20
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Uh, yeah, I was too. And I think that you will find it easier than you ever thought possible. I do have a tool and it's called the RAIN Method. I learned this tool at the Art Institute of Transformational Nutrition and I use it. I've had clients use it and love it and it can be quite powerful.
00:21:43
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Everything takes time and it's going to need space and allow yourself grace because you're not going to get it perfect. And it's not about perfection. It's about progress. It's about moving forward. So the RAINN method is recognize, acknowledge, investigate, now lovingly let it go. So first recognize it isn't true.
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It may feel real in the moment, but recognize that the thoughts and the emotions are not your truth. They are not you. They may not even be happening. It may just be your mind filling in the blanks, providing you evidence from your stored memories.
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Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel. Feel the pain, the discomfort, the anger, and stay with the feeling because it's going to help you find resolution and there's going to be an opportunity for you to release it and gain clarity. And that's by number three, you're investigating.
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there is a message in what you're feeling and thinking. And as you acknowledge the emotions and allow them space, you will become more receptive and open to receiving the clarity that you need and allowing it to pass through.
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And number four, now lovingly let it go. Did you know it takes 90 seconds for an emotion to leaf? And the only reason that you could continue to feel triggered is if you have a deep rooted belief that is tied to the emotion and the thought and it's seeking resolution, remember? But otherwise it's really easy and quick to just lovingly let it go.
Embracing Personal Growth and Closing Remarks
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So use the four step process of the RAINN method. Use it every day. Use it in a pinch. Recognize it isn't true.
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Acknowledge and allow yourself to feel what you feel. Investigate the message of the thoughts and the feelings. And then like, now lovingly let it go. Because change isn't about hiding from the negative thoughts or emotions. It's not about covering them up either. It's about crossing the threshold between fear and love and embracing each and every part of you. And that means the light, the shadows, and the dark.
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Only when you own your own unique wisdom and even the blindness will you really begin to trust yourself. You'll intentionally choose paths of growth and opportunity and love to embrace every aspect of yourself with a little more grace.
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you just finished another episode of the sex and motherhood podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Feeling inspired? Go ahead, rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to hear your biggest takeaway sister friend. So I invite you to skip on over to Instagram and leave a comment about your favorite part at, at sex and motherhood. Be sure to share with your sister friends too. Meet you here next week.