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Realigning Relationships - A chat with my hubby
21 Plays2 years ago
In this episode Heather chats with her husband Troy about the struggles they have faced, the expectations they had about marriage and the seperation that changed it all.
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Transcript
Introduction to Heather Georgel & Discussion Themes
00:00:02
Speaker
Hey sister friend, it's Heather Georgel, your certified life and NLP practitioner. And here we make doing the inner work not suck by talking about all things motherhood, womenhood, sex, and everything in between. Are you ready? Let's talk. This is the sex and motherhood podcast.
00:00:24
Speaker
Okay,
Realignment in Relationships & Introduction to Troy
00:00:25
Speaker
so I really want to be able to talk about realignment. Realignment with yourself, realignment in your relationships, realignment in your marriage, and that is why I have my husband Troy on the podcast today. Hi guys, how you doing? We just wanted to have an open conversation about the different things that we've both been through together separately and how we've really became more aligned, not perfect, but more aligned in our relationship with not only
00:00:54
Speaker
ourselves, but also together as partners and also with our kids. Usually people don't like to hang out their dirty laundry.
00:01:02
Speaker
and have people know all of the nitty gritty, but we all know that I am mostly an open book.
Marriage Roles & Responsibilities
00:01:08
Speaker
So with that said, with that said, I just really feel heavy on my heart about how we as women or even men, you'll get Troy's perspective, have this expectation of what we think marriage is supposed to be and not everyone's is the same. I grew up thinking that
00:01:32
Speaker
The man was the one that needed to be the red winner of the home, that there were certain responsibilities that he needed to take care of. And I just believed that everything had to go this exact perfect way. And when it didn't,
00:01:47
Speaker
I blamed Troy for all of our marital problems. Anything that did go wrong was his fault. And there was a lot of name calling on my part, which definitely did not supply our marriage with love.
Equal Partnership in Marriage
00:02:03
Speaker
It was not very loving.
00:02:04
Speaker
yeah it all depends on everyone has their own situations different kind of examples but for us it was you know we had to be partners equal and at that moment we were not equal and so that's why it felt like we were we have each other's right of throat and not being on the same level so that's one of the hard parts of having a marriage
00:02:29
Speaker
because you feel you're like higher about the other and by doing so then things happen so you really want to make sure that you are both equal so that way you have a loving home. If you have kids they're gonna see it. A loving home is something that we strive for. There was a time where we did split up and it was really rough.
Contributions to Marital Issues & Solutions
00:02:51
Speaker
I remember writing
00:02:52
Speaker
a note and leaving it on the front porch with a bag packed and I ran away and didn't tell him where I was and I told him not to contact me and then he didn't and that made me even more mad and I honestly believed that
00:03:10
Speaker
everything was his fault. Everything was his fault. The way that our marriage wasn't progressing, I had to do everything for the kids. I never had any time for myself. He didn't make enough money. He didn't have time for me. Nothing that he did was good enough and I definitely made that known. But now looking back, I can see that I helped create the problem and that it took
00:03:39
Speaker
two of us to create the problem, which meant that it takes two of us to find a solution.
Money vs. Love in Marriage
00:03:47
Speaker
Even if you do make enough money, you're still not able. If you're still not on that level with your partner, you're still going to have that same issue. Money does not have to do anything with it. It's just a matter of seeing eye to eye and just being in love. If you're just going to be one of those people who's just very prideful, you're not going to get very far. You're going to have to humble yourself, whether you like it or not.
00:04:13
Speaker
Yeah, I definitely, definitely had to humble myself in seeing that I was part of the problem, which meant that I needed to be a part of the solution and seeing that some of the things that I was saying that I was actually enabling him to be the man that I knew that he could be. I was definitely not giving him words of affirmation. I was giving him words of negativity and hurtfulness and it really
00:04:43
Speaker
Really troubled our marriage a lot like it was a struggle. Yeah That was the worst part of my marriage I guess we've developed I mean with kids you tend to learn a lot more about each other because you're raising other human beings but now you know, I used to I used to feel like everything had to be a
00:05:06
Speaker
me that put the kids to sleep, I did exclusively breastfeed with our first two. And I remember crying at night when he couldn't hear the kids cry and how I felt like it was all on me. And that's what I thought motherhood was and I didn't want it. It was really difficult to not be angry. And I was, I was really, really angry. And so I took that out in very unhelpful, unhealthy ways.
Parenting Challenges & Teamwork
00:05:33
Speaker
I didn't know how to handle my emotions then.
00:05:54
Speaker
You make it sound so brutal. That is not what I do. I lovingly rub his arm, but apparently that is brutally punching him in the stomach. Nice. The way people perceive things. I think it's more of the kids who come in the bed who punch me in the stomach. Probably.
00:06:15
Speaker
No, it's definitely been a change. I remember lots of times where we would pretend like one of us didn't want to do something and like sitting on the couch and we know we can smell the poopy diaper.
Expectations vs. Adaptation in Marriage
00:06:31
Speaker
But we're waiting for the other person to go and change it rather than, you know, just changing it and helping each other do that. Or, you know, times where I just wanted to sit down and watch a movie because I'd been with the kids all day and I needed 20 minutes to myself. And it was like right when he walked through the door and hand him the kids and be like, yeah, I'm checking out for the night. But I think that there's an understanding.
00:06:55
Speaker
that you come to that you start to align more of what you want and in order to align together to know what you want and desire you need that open communication and being able to speak to each other with love but also be able to speak to each other honestly to convey
00:07:15
Speaker
what you really desire for your relationship and even the time that you want for yourself. And sometimes some things get more of your attention and others don't. But I think it's really important that you try not to create so many expectations because the more we had expectations for each other, I feel like the more problems we actually ended up having.
00:07:39
Speaker
all we thought about was this is my expectation and if you don't do it then the controlling part of you well maybe not you you're not as controlling as me but but then you start to control the situation and you i don't know if any of you are like this but you you kind of back off and you just wait to see what they do like you're forcing i would try to force you into taking
00:08:02
Speaker
responsibility for things that I felt that you had to take responsibility for because I had this expectation of how it should go and I tried to control that by waiting it out until you did what I wanted you to do which really just created more problems. For marriage, I really had no expectation of what things would be. You know, I had maybe a tad idea of what things to go but I sort of played things by ear or what they should be like
00:08:32
Speaker
You know, but everyone is different. Everybody has their own problems, every relationship, everybody has their own personalities, but everyone has to work through it. Now they adapt. I like that. Adapting.
00:08:47
Speaker
Yeah, so it's sort of like the quote from Jurassic Park. I don't know if it's relative or not, but it's like Ian Malcolm says in there that life finds a way.
Communication & Growth in Marriage
00:08:57
Speaker
But I put that in the relationship status. You'll find a way how to improve your life by humbling yourself, adapting, and working as partners. Speak to each other with love. Go from the heart, not by a peer pressure or just be yourself. You know what I mean?
00:09:16
Speaker
I totally know what you mean because I've been talking about that on the podcast about being 100% yourself. And if you're only giving your partner, you know, small portions of you because you're afraid that they might find you unworthy or you're afraid that you won't be good enough, then I suggest that you start asking questions and creating a space of safety to have those open conversations because
00:09:43
Speaker
The only time that you don't feel comfortable enough to be 100% yourself is when you don't feel safe. And being in this space that feels safe for you to communicate your needs and your desires, whether that's in intimacy, raising your kids, what jobs you should take. I mean, we talk about everything now. We can go out on dates and
00:10:12
Speaker
I don't feel like there's really a lull in conversation and we don't only ever just talk about the kids. Like we talk about the things that we'd like to do and really like what we both desire and sometimes our desires are different but I think that that's exciting because we both want to still grow individually and I think that that's important.
00:10:34
Speaker
Growing is good for you. So like what she was saying about eating out and we're just sitting there. I mean you can go and talk about anything. You know, just the kids as she said. But I mean if you want to talk about food, talk about food. How delicious it looks. I don't know. Just talk.
00:10:53
Speaker
No? So just sit there and silence. I'm not saying that silence is bad. Sometimes it's good because you want to enjoy your food. You want to drink your water. And you're thinking, you know, mentally. You know, it's just good to have each other's company. And if you have kids, you've got to admit it's good. It's nice to be kid free and just sit there and silence like, oh my gosh, it's so good.
00:11:16
Speaker
Do you hear that? No, I know it's because we don't have kids. Yeah, it's true. Because there's times that we definitely sit in silence and we're just with our own thoughts. But it's taken us, we've been married working on year 15. And when we really started to find each other and and be more of 100% ourselves, but also growing together to be 100% a couple, I would say.
Unique Parenting Approaches & Insights
00:11:43
Speaker
Yeah.
00:11:44
Speaker
probably came five, six years ago. We really started to figure out how we could help each other. And that's when we started to try to find ways to communicate better.
00:11:58
Speaker
we were growing into our relationship. I mean we're not perfect obviously because nobody's perfect but I mean she still does stuff that drives me nuts by not putting away her own laundry. It drives me insane. You don't like that I keep it on the bed and then put it on the floor and then the next day I'm supposed to fold it or I try to fold it and I put it back on the bed and then put it on the floor when it's bedtime again you don't like that? No.
00:12:23
Speaker
And I did things that drive her insane still, but yeah, at the end of the day, love each other, wanna cuddle, watch a movie on Netflix, whatever, and go to bed, you know? But, I mean, you're gonna have your own issues. I mean, you just got to adapt to what fits you guys. Obviously, you're two different people. You have your own perspective.
00:12:46
Speaker
you're a woman and you're a guy you know a guy has to adapt to the woman's level the woman has to adapt to the guy's level you just have to humble yourself there's like some there's just some situations where you have to go in and put yourself in their shoes just surrender your pride you're saying it's not just straightforward sometimes sometimes it's messy
00:13:09
Speaker
And it's okay that it's messy. That's what I mean by adapting. Reason of kids has been a challenge as well. Parenting is a learning curve for the both of us. Because no child is the same. Just like no parent is the same. Yes, the first kid is always the learning curve. The test child. Yes, the test child. The test subject. Really, I think that we've decided that we need to
00:13:37
Speaker
not safe for college, but safe for therapy for our kids because I'm sure we've messed them up. We're doing pretty good with the third.
00:13:46
Speaker
because we've really grown since then. All our kids might need therapy. You know, don't save for college. But one thing for sure all the kids love is being one-on-one. So they love spending time with the mom and dad. And so take them on dates, have fun, enjoy video games, play Barbies, dress up, do your nails, dads.
Realignment with Self & Family
00:14:10
Speaker
They keep asking us for a yes day. And I'm like, no, ever since that movie came out. I'm like, no, I'm not mentally ready for that yet. Maybe if our youngest was older. Yeah, maybe that would be something that I would want to do. But I mean, we can always try like a mini yes day. I think yes days might be good in the winter that we have to go outside so much.
00:14:32
Speaker
Oh, that is true too. Yeah, that is true. I used to think that motherhood was the lack of sleep, that it wasn't having time for myself, that it was about sacrificing everything about my desires and my goals and my dreams for my kids. As I've continued to grow in my own mental and emotional journey,
00:14:56
Speaker
That's so not the case. I want to be able to teach them to be resilient and to know how to manage their emotions and to understand their thoughts and how to be able to change them and do those things and how can I teach them, how can we teach them that if we're not building those relationships with ourselves on a level that creates safety for our kids to do that because
00:15:22
Speaker
I want to have a relationship with them. I don't want to just think that I have to sacrifice everything about me for my kids. Yes,
Handling Emotions & Communication with Kids
00:15:31
Speaker
sometimes you are tired, but it's like that realignment I was talking about where it is taking the time and the space for yourself so that you can create
00:15:42
Speaker
time and space in your relationship with your spouse and a relationship of alignment with your kids. Really, that's where struggles start to lessen. Not that my kids don't throw tantrums and they're sassy and
00:15:59
Speaker
don't want to listen but I mean really our kids are pretty patient considering how many times do your kids ask for your attention while you're looking at your phone or watching a show and they want you to come see something and to you it's not very important you take forever but then you turn around and they're watching a show and if they don't clean their room the first time you ask all of a sudden all hell breaks loose.
00:16:22
Speaker
a son. He asked for ice cream. I was cleaning up the laundry. He asked me twice. And I said, well, it's when I'm done. And then he's being very patient. So we're going to get him some ice cream, but he couldn't take it anymore. So he asked sisters and get him ice cream. So I could have stopped and just done it. They want your attention. I guess you can say just stop what you're doing and just go have fun with your kid. I mean, sometimes you want to, but there are like pressing things that maybe
00:16:48
Speaker
really need to be done. So I would say that there's a difference between the need to be with your kids and the want to be with your kids or you need, I should say, if you need to go to work,
00:17:02
Speaker
you're creating income for our family, having there be that desire that you plan time to go out with them individually. And we have big goals for our kids to definitely feel loved. We want them to feel heard and seen. And you know, we're still working on us. And the more that we work on us, I think the more that that trickles into
00:17:23
Speaker
how we raise our kids because I don't want to mess it up. I don't
Common Goals & Partnership Alignment
00:17:28
Speaker
want to mess up raising our kids, but I don't think that that is just one parent's job. And I think it's a lot to ask, especially because there are so many single moms out there that the spouse does work.
00:17:40
Speaker
and there's lots of single dads and the parent works and it's difficult and emotions can run really high and sometimes it feels like you just you just can't control those emotions anymore and they pile up and they pile up then there's just this explosion I guess you could say like imagine a soda bottle that's just slowly being shaken and at one point it's just gonna burst
00:18:07
Speaker
like Mentos. Oh yeah like Mentos and the Cola. Yeah like not being able to deal with those emotions because we experience strong emotions as human beings and I think that there's a purpose for that. All emotions are messengers. They are there to help
00:18:24
Speaker
you find the alignment that you want for your life and I think that it's important to sit with those feelings and especially allow your kids to feel what they feel to allow your spouse to feel what they feel and to allow yourself to feel what you feel because sometimes you can have strong emotions and you react but when you have the space to reflect and re-evaluate what happened it's a lot easier to come in more level-headed and figure out where to go from there.
00:18:52
Speaker
Just remember to be kind, be respectful, and just sleep a little bit. And remember, think before you hash out. And remember, the other person has feelings, and yourself as well has feelings. Treat others like you, like, treat yourself. Just work together in common goal and as partners. I think when you have a common goal, and something that you are both working toward individually and together, I think can really create alignment and camaraderie.
00:19:20
Speaker
in your relationship are able to speak what your desires are and how you're gonna navigate those challenges that come up not disrespecting each other front of your kids in front of family unless obviously there's a need you feel that there's a need for that but
00:19:37
Speaker
I think that it's just important that you work together to find alignment in your relationship. Throw out
Focusing on Desires for Solutions
00:19:45
Speaker
the expectations because I know for us all they ever did was create more problems and we found much better solutions when we come at struggles and challenges. Talking our way through it and just letting there be space to talk freely about it and not getting upset about what the other person says.
00:20:03
Speaker
Really putting your humble ears on to hear what the other person has to say so that you're coming at it with no judgment for what they're feeling or what you're feeling so that it really does create that safe space to find the solutions and resolution for what you need, what they need, what your family needs, and really just going from there.
Conclusion & Listener Engagement
00:20:23
Speaker
So reevaluate your relationship and find ways that you can realign if you don't feel aligned in that relationship and grow together
00:20:32
Speaker
and throw out the expectations and start living a relationship where you focus on the desires of where you want to go together. I hope you really enjoyed this episode and I just loved having you on, Troy. Thanks for having me on the podcast, Evan. I can't wait to have you as a returning guest. Looking forward to it.
00:20:57
Speaker
you just finished another episode of the sex and motherhood podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Feeling inspired? Go ahead, rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to hear your biggest takeaway sister friend. So I invite you to skip on over to Instagram and leave a comment about your favorite part at, at sex and motherhood. Be sure to share with your sister friends too. Meet you here next week.