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00:00:01
I'm not okay, are you?
46 Plays2 years ago
Have you ever found yourself on the shower floor wondering is this really my life? You're not alone sister!
Join us as we talk about some taboo topics surrounding motherhood and the over sensory overload of it all.
Listen in now and be sure to tag us on instagram @sexandmotherhood.podcast with your biggest take away.
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Transcript
Introduction and Setting the Stage
00:00:00
Speaker
Hey sister friend, it's Heather Georgelli, your certified life and NLP practitioner. And I'm Cynthia Fields, your CBF, certified best friend and mother of three. And together we want to make doing the inner work not suck. By talking about all things womanhood, motherhood, sex, and everything in between. Are you ready? Let's talk. This is the Sex and Motherhood Podcast.
Stresses of Parenting
00:00:22
Speaker
Hey girl, Cynthia and Heather here. Today we are so excited. We are going to be talking about how it is okay to not be okay. I mean, do you ever feel like you have the urge to strangle your kids? Yes. Or to, you know, fall apart in the middle of the grocery store? Yes. I've done that. Same. I've seen other moms do that and then they look like they're so shameful and I'm like, no girl, like it's okay, right? Yeah. Or like you want to disappear?
00:00:52
Speaker
Yes. Yeah, like today during our workout. We worked out with all our kids today. Well, I mean. Well, the babies. The smallest ones. The hardest ones. All under two. I mean, it was three. There's some super moms out there though that it's like, meh, I can work out with my kids no problem.
00:01:09
Speaker
And Cynthia is a little more like that but I think her anxiety went up because I'm so not like that. It's like this is my time to work out and I don't want you here and I love you but I'm supposed to be bringing my cortisol levels down and you're increasing them which is only making me angry and this workout is supposed to help me not be angry. And I'm over here like holding my one year old doing jumping jacks. I felt really bad guys. I was not very nice about it. Please forgive me. It's fine. I forgive you. I love you. Thank you. I love you too.
00:01:37
Speaker
Being a mom and a woman is hard and it's okay. I mean, we're not mind readers. We can't read everybody's mind to what they want. So how can they read what we want? That is stupid. Just in like friendships or relationships, do you ever feel that when you're around someone long enough, they're just supposed to like know you and they're supposed to know your needs and your wants and what frustrates you and what makes you happy and
00:02:07
Speaker
You're like, oh wait, but they're not a mind reader. And you forget that you need to tell them what you want, what you need, what's working, what's not working. I feel like we're pretty good at knowing each other, but there's still times where we definitely don't. We can't be mind readers. I know. My husband, Jordan.
00:02:28
Speaker
He always, he's like, I can't read your mind, lady. And I'll be like, what do you need? Like what's wrong? I'll be sitting there crying. Like he comes home and I'm sitting there crying. He's like, what's wrong? What can I do? What's wrong? I'm like, how do you not know what's wrong? And then it makes you cry
Communication Challenges in Relationships
00:02:45
Speaker
more. Yep. And then, and then he calls it my ugly, Ken K cry. Um, and then he's like, I can't, I can't look this.
00:02:52
Speaker
He's like, I don't know what you need or what you want. You're not telling me what you need and what you want. But to be fair, he also doesn't do that. Just like my husband doesn't do that. See how the circle goes. Like it's, it's definitely, I think sometimes as women, especially women, however they, you could say the same thing about men. That's true. But with women, we, I feel like we can be coupled up into two different categories. The woman that asks,
00:03:20
Speaker
for exactly what she needs when she needs it and she is not afraid to ask for help. And then you have the woman that doesn't feel like she deserves to ask for help or she's not allowed to ask for help because maybe there's been rejection there. And I'm more on the second half, but I'm slowly being able to feel more on the first half of things. I think it depends on my mood because I'm pretty much in the middle, I feel like, but there are days where I'm just like,
00:03:48
Speaker
I don't want to talk to anybody.
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
00:03:51
Speaker
Nobody needs to know what's going on in my head. I'm feeling my feelings. Um, and you know, that's that. But then there's other days where I'm like, listen, I need this. I need that. I guess I'm being real needy and that's okay too to feel needy. It is okay. There's so many things that have us as women feel repressed or you have to fit like this certain
00:04:17
Speaker
mold. And when you don't fit that mold, I think that that's when real inner conflict becomes outer conflict. Yeah, 100% agree. I remember when I had my first baby, I had really bad postpartum, really bad. I was, you know, literally hiding under the covers in my room. And my husband came in and he's like, Hey, I have to go do this.
00:04:45
Speaker
He's like, do you want me to take the baby or do you want to leave the baby? And I was like, I don't want you to leave. And he was like, what in the world? I was like, don't leave me. I want you to go, but I don't. And I was like, I want her to stay, but I don't want her to stay here if I'm alone because I'd had those thoughts of throwing her against the wall, shaking her, putting my hand on her mouth. I mean, obviously I didn't do any of those things.
00:05:16
Speaker
But the thought was in my head. And it took a long time for me to realize that at least 20% of women after they have a baby have some type of postpartum. Whether it's depression or anxiety, they have it. And it needs to be talked about more because it's normal. It's okay.
Societal Expectations of Motherhood
00:05:36
Speaker
And I feel like there's this mold that society puts out that a mother is so happy when her baby is born and they're so attached
00:05:46
Speaker
and they just have so much love right away. And I'm here to tell you that that did not happen until my third baby, like no lie. My first, she was, both of my girls were taken right away, and to the NICUs, and I didn't get that immediate bond.
00:06:06
Speaker
And for weeks, it took me like, I had to learn to love them. Like when you meet somebody, you don't just automatically like, I love you so much. It's like my husband always says. I'm like, babe, our six year anniversary is coming up with being married. He goes, only six years? Gosh, it feels like an eternity. You could take that so many ways. I know. I'd always try and be like, it's so positive. We've been through so much. But I know he means it differently.
00:06:36
Speaker
Probably, but you know what, you just gotta like flip that. I'm gonna look at that as a compliment that the time just hasn't. He can't imagine his life without me. A time where it wasn't just him and me.
00:06:49
Speaker
I can still imagine a time when it was just me and my husband. For sure. But it's really blurry now. Yeah, but you guys had like six years before you had kids. That's true, we did. We celebrated our one year anniversary with a one month. That's also very true. I mean, so we literally have only had nine months of our marriage. Without a kid. Without a kid, basically.
00:07:11
Speaker
Yeah. Yeah. So when you were suffering from the postpartum severely, more severely with your first two, it probably didn't feel very easy to actually be like, I need help because it was so new. And I think that for me, when I first became a mom, my daughter was so colicky that she would cry so much. The period of purple crime, like I even got a DVD. I got a DVD from the hospital explaining this to me.
00:07:41
Speaker
And I had those thoughts that I was just like, no, like if I just drop you, you'll stop. Or if I just like cover you with the blanket, you'll stop. Or, you know, different things. And I just was like, no, I just need to like walk away. I need to walk away. But there was this internal struggle of, but I'm the mom and I should know how to calm you, how to comfort you, how things should be okay. So why is this not working? Am I not meant to be a mom? And I would find myself being in the shower
00:08:09
Speaker
sitting on the bathroom, like in the shower bottom. What do you call that? The tub? I would find my, yeah. Yeah, the tub. Man, when you have kids, you lose brain cells.
00:08:20
Speaker
Your brain literally shrinks. Pregnancy brain is real and it lasts for up to 18 months. But your feet grow. Yeah, but your feet grow. Yours didn't. Mine did not. Lucky. Yeah, I am pretty lucky. I started out as a size 10 and now I'm a smooth 11 and a half. For reals, like just crying on the floor of the shower and just being like, I can't believe that we did this. I'm not meant to be a mom.
00:08:46
Speaker
But then again, I still had episodes of that when I was not a mom and crying over things that other people would say to me and how they would affect like my worth and that I didn't think that it was okay to be me. If I wasn't okay, I seem to like make everyone else uncomfortable because I'm a pretty animated person. You really know how I feel by looking at me.
00:09:12
Speaker
And I tried really hard not to be so animated, but now I just decided I just need to embrace it. And it's just part of who I am, and I got waves. I came to that conclusion in my early 20s, because all throughout my childhood and high school especially, I just tried so hard to fit in, to not be me.
Personal Acceptance and Authenticity
00:09:34
Speaker
And I think that's why I'm not really close to a lot of people that I went to high school with. Like I get on social media and I see a lot of these girls that I grew up with and they're all still really close friends. I'm close with one person from high school and
00:09:51
Speaker
she knows the real me she's like the next thing i have to a sister and like you and like you guys are like kind of the only people that like she got to see cynthia before she like came out of her shell and like reborn i mean i've always been a little kooky and fun and stuff but i was a very big people pleaser i did not want anybody to know who cynthia was because what if they didn't like her
00:10:22
Speaker
or what if they didn't want to hang out with me anymore? Like I was totally not okay with not being okay. Do you ever feel that sometimes there's just this part of life where you get so used to being in the darkness and like you can be so comfortable with the uncomfortable, like being so sad or depressed or anxious or not being fully yourself that then that's when you start to feel like you have no purpose, you feel completely lost, you feel completely stuck,
00:10:52
Speaker
it almost feels intangible to not ever see the light again. And will people accept me? But what it really comes down to is being able to accept yourself and those that don't want to accept you in your now are not going to accept you when you're in your future. If you can start to like accept your past and love the parts of you from your past, the more you'll be able to live in your present,
00:11:18
Speaker
and prepare the way for your future. That's what I've learned, especially doing what I do. Love the parts of your past because you gained so much more experience at this present time that you can look back and re-evaluate it in a whole new light. Your brain has filled in these gaps and created this so-called evidence of you not being a good mom or you not being enough.
00:11:44
Speaker
And when you can go back with this new information that you have of all of the experiences.
00:11:50
Speaker
you get to reevaluate that and make a new decision and carry that with you into your present and into your future. But there's healing that takes place. And I don't think that your past self needs to die. I think that she needs to be loved and she wants to feel seen and she wants to feel understood. And she wants to know that she is enough. Did she do enough? Because we have been constantly feeling that maybe we aren't. I mean,
00:12:17
Speaker
Not that I'm sharing from personal experience. What? Of course I am. That's what I found for myself. It's really deep. It's rooted and I think it's important to be honest and true to yourself.
00:12:31
Speaker
so that you can't ask for that help and so that wanting to cover your baby's mouth when they're screaming and you're like, oh wow, like these feelings are intensifying and it's okay for me to ask for help. I remember when I asked for help the first time. It was that night that my husband couldn't call me out of bed. We went for a drive and I looked over at him and was like, I think I have to postpartum. And he was like, I mean, I was going to mention something. So I'm really glad you said it first.
00:12:59
Speaker
But, um, and I went to the doctor the next day and I just kind of like laid my heart out and the nurse looked at me and she said, you know, we all suffered through it at one point or another. And she made me feel like I was not alone and like everything was going to be okay. And like how proud she was of me for reaching out. And I'm not a type of person who likes to take, you know, medication, but at that time I needed to be medicated or something really bad was going to happen.
00:13:29
Speaker
I just remember feeling like, okay, I'm just gonna let go of any preconceptions that I have for what taking a medicine is. I'm just gonna accept I have PPD, postpartum depression, and I'm going to do my best to be healthy because if I'm not okay, my baby's not okay. And my husband's not okay if I'm not okay. And so I think it takes a lot of strength, inner strength, to be like,
00:13:58
Speaker
I need to be okay so that those around me can be okay. But to also acknowledge, like, it's okay that I'm not okay right now. I can always go forward. Well, I think, you know, it's important that you found support.
00:14:10
Speaker
from this nurse that understood there's nothing worse than when you do reach out and it's not reciprocated.
Healing from Postpartum Depression
00:14:18
Speaker
And it's, well, you just need to put on your big girl panties and like pull them up and get it together. And you're like, whoa, thanks for making me feel completely invalidated and making it worse. I really appreciate you. And that's when you don't say, I'm just going to internalize it. That's when you say this person is not here to support me.
00:14:34
Speaker
I need to find a group, another person, a nurse, like someone that will support me through this time because sometimes it's just a season of your life and other times it might be longer, but either way, it's okay. It is okay. And I will say, you know, it did, like taking the medicine and taking care of myself did have some side effects. I mean, I had no sex drive, Heather. None.
00:15:03
Speaker
And my poor husband, he powered through it. I remember being like, I get it now because we, and when we first got married, we had very different sex drives. I had a very high drive and his was just pretty average. And I just remember being like, I get it. Wow, this is weird. This is different. But at the same time, like I was healing emotionally and physically because my brain was so out of whack I needed to get those chemicals in my brain balance. But it came at a little bit of a cost.
00:15:34
Speaker
doesn't almost everything. Everything. But it was in the end so much worth it because I was able to move past that and things got better. You know, like I said in my intro to season two, I really like talking about sex and having sex and doing all fun things. But when you're going through a hard time, that's like kind of the last thing you want to do. This is why I'm like, yes, it's okay not to be okay.
00:15:58
Speaker
because as moms, being touched all day by my kids, them hanging on me, me trying to, oh, please don't fight with this person and please stop. Can you please stop? They're breathing my air. Okay, well, it's fine. We all breathe the same air. Like it's really fine. And like, it's terrible. She touched me. He did this. And it's like, I'm constantly doing things all day and maybe you don't have kids and maybe you're a teacher and it's the same thing. Like those are your kids when they're at school.
00:16:26
Speaker
Or maybe you're in the workforce and you have those annoying employees or coworkers that are like children that you're doing those same things. I mean, it's, it's just what happens. And by the time that you get home, it's like, I just want to do nothing. And then, you know, your significant other is like, Hey baby. And you're like, don't touch me. And it's hard because it's like, like, I don't want you to feel rejected.
00:16:53
Speaker
My husband used to say to me, like, why do you hate me so much? And I'm like, I don't hate you. It has nothing to do with you. And it took him a long time to realize like it didn't have anything to do with him. It was me, especially now I have a four year old, a two year old and a one year old.
00:17:10
Speaker
They are constantly on me. Oh, I've seen it guys. I mean, like she'll be doing something and they're totally fine. And then as soon as she's like, okay, I'm going to make these, I'm going to make this cake. And all of a sudden it's like, mom, hold me. Like they were just fine until you said you were going to do something. Or they're like, I want to be a chef too. I'm like, okay, let's do this together.
00:17:34
Speaker
Or I'm literally laying in my bed trying to have a moment to myself after my husband is done working.
00:17:41
Speaker
go play with daddy for a minute. All of a sudden, I have three kids laying on top of me. Honestly, womanhood, so many things intertwine. Whether it's having postpartum problems, actual pregnancy problems, life problems, fertility problems, relationships, whether it's spousal, friendship, familial, there's so many things that everything just intertwines, I feel like. It so does. And it's honestly why I think a lot of us feel like we're going to cook bananas.
00:18:11
Speaker
Yeah, but it's okay that you're going cuckoo bananas because it's okay not to always be okay. Being positive all the time is hard. Well, it's not realistic. It's not. It's not realistic. I think that it's okay to be like, I'm having these negative thoughts. I'm having these negative emotions and to sit with them for a minute and really investigate what it is that you're feeling. Journal it out. If
Support Systems and Friendship
00:18:32
Speaker
you want to go on a drive and listen to your favorite songs and blare them out and scream them out while you're singing them, you know, full blast and lose your voice been there.
00:18:40
Speaker
and like yeah like do something. Keep an eye out for your sister friends. Yeah like honestly like the other night Heather was not having a good night and I literally was like I'm coming over and you're getting in my car. True this is fact. We were gone for three hours. Yes we were and I do not regret it one bit. No. Not one bit. Somehow we ended up at Walmart. Of course we did with socks and sandals and no bras. I had no bra on it was great.
00:19:02
Speaker
We're like only at Walmart. But like it was one of those moments where if you were to see us, you'd be like, who are these crazy ladies? But I felt supported and that's what was important. I think that really the takeaway of it's okay to not be okay is allowing yourself the time that you need to see where you are, see how you're feeling. Is it the time to ask for help?
00:19:28
Speaker
Give yourself space. Don't just go out and do things with other people or invite people over because it's quote unquote what you're supposed to do or what I should do. You could should all over it. And then allow yourself grace.
Progress, Perfection, and Self-Care
00:19:42
Speaker
It's not being perfect that matters. It's being able to progress.
00:19:46
Speaker
It's being able to be that 1% better than you were the day before. And sometimes it's 0.0001% better than the day before. And it's progress. It's progress. I mean, forward is forward and also seek help.
00:20:01
Speaker
When you need it, whether that's another sister friend, whether that's, you know, a sibling, whether that's a doctor, whether that's reaching out into some, you know, forum that supports you in what you need, because there's no lack of information, but there's a lack in if it's actually information that's best for you. And it is not we to ask for help, to need help, to want help, to feel supported. As women, I think we all just want to feel significant.
00:20:30
Speaker
seen, understood, and heard. Amen. And a part of that is just being honest with yourself. And honest with others. And just allowing yourself to feel it. And I think it's so important to have that, you know, that tribe. A tribe of somebody or people who don't really care about whether or not you'll look a fool. Or you had to freak out that somebody else would play off as ridiculous. And it's like, oh, she just like freaked out and you just listen. And then you're like,
00:20:58
Speaker
Yeah. Wow. Like I think I overreacted and I did speaking of this morning. It's fine. I totally overreacted now that, you know, my levels are down and I feel more normal. I'm like, wow, you really like took it to a next level that didn't need to be a next level, but it's fine. Like I am not perfect and I'm okay not being perfect and I'm okay to not be okay. I'm never okay.
00:21:19
Speaker
I mean, I'm okay. Well, never. But I'm like, I'm okay. But I feel like I'm in that season of life where my life is just not okay a lot of the time. But I mean, I think that's what happens when you have three small children, four and under. Like, there's so many things that you can do to make today and tomorrow better than it was today or yesterday. And so, you know, we're here to tell you that we're not perfect.
00:21:45
Speaker
No, but I definitely progress and I'm good with progression. And every day is different, but at the end of the day, like those clouds are going to go away.
00:21:54
Speaker
and the sunshine will come out eventually. And that's just how I had to think about it. It'll get better. It's true. I just have to work for it because if you don't work for it, nothing's going to change. True. But just because you know something and don't do anything about it does not mean that you're progressing. That means you're staying stuck. And to progress, you've got to take a little bit of action each time. And if you don't, then you're going to fall apart and you're going to find yourself under the covers and you're going to want to be secluded and you're going to be crying on the shower floor.
00:22:21
Speaker
all the time. And even when you're not like that, sometimes you still cry on the shower floor because a good cry is a good cry. It's therapeutic. All right. It feels good to cry sometimes. And it feels even better to laugh. So please today, find something to laugh about. I hope that you were laughing with us. I hope that you felt heard and seen today. Matt, we didn't just sound like a bunch of rambling, tired moms. Because that's also a little bit true. True.
00:22:49
Speaker
But we understand, we get it, and there's a lot more people in your life who will get it and understand it than you really believe or know. And sometimes it's about you being brave to speak up how you're feeling because it could make that sister next to you, that friend next to you, finally be like,
00:23:05
Speaker
If they can say it, it gives them the strength to say, hey, I'm not okay either. And we're all in this together. We really are. Take time for yourself. Create space where you feel supported. And please, oh please, give yourself some grace and others grace. You got this.
Call to Action
00:23:23
Speaker
You just finished another episode of the Sex and Motherhood podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Feeling inspired? Go ahead, rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to hear your biggest takeaway. So skip on over to Instagram and leave a comment about your favorite part at at sexandmotherhood.podcast. And remember to share with your sister friends too. Meet you here next week.