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00:00:00
00:00:01
Its basically a sin... oh wait your married now!
30 Plays2 years ago
In this Episode I share my own personal story about how sex was like this locked door, that you only got the key to when you were married. Otherwise it was bad, naughty, and basically a sin. This, along with so many other things; lead me on a journey of self discovery so that I could change my harmful thought patterns, and the unhelpful emotions that went with it.
Are you ready? Let's talk Sister friend! This is Sex and Motherhood
Find me on IG @sexandmotherhood
music is by Mixalund - Brighter days ahead
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Transcript
Introduction to Podcast
00:00:02
Speaker
Hey sister friend, it's Heather Georgel, your certified life and NLP practitioner. And here we make doing the inner work not suck by talking about all things motherhood, womenhood, sex, and everything in between. Are you ready? Let's talk. This is the sex and motherhood podcast.
00:00:25
Speaker
Let me start with the struggle is real. There are so many things that I'd like to say about singlehood, motherhood, parenthood, sisterhood, the sexy hood, and any other kind of hood. But right now there seems to be a multitude.
00:00:44
Speaker
of resources for prenatal care, relationships, parenting, personality tests, and whatever your heart desires, really. But then, why does it feel like there are still limited resources and information about why all these things can feel like a tug of war between duty, responsibility, guilt, and a little joy if you're lucky?
00:01:09
Speaker
seems like work, a chore. And sometimes that your life is over kind of feeling leading to unhelpful thoughts that you're really not sure you can silence.
The Role of Storytelling
00:01:20
Speaker
Totally been there. And I want to share my story with you. I want to be vulnerable with you.
00:01:27
Speaker
Although it might not be every single detail right now, I can guarantee that through our time together, you will have a chance to hear every overshared detail that may feel like a part of your story too. But for now, will you allow me to share the Cliff Notes slash Heather Notes version? If I were to break up my life into four categories, they would be connection,
00:01:56
Speaker
Communication, commitment, and drum roll please, sex. I need connection, being with a group or just myself or my family. And I need communication. I love to talk, but I also love to listen. I need commitment. And with that, there is honesty and loyalty and compatibility.
00:02:22
Speaker
All of these things seem like common sense, right? You're probably like, duh Heather, this is nothing new. Well, there is one category that I didn't mention. This has been my biggest hurdle. I wonder if it's been yours too. Sex. So glad that I got that off my chest. Why though?
Sexuality and Shame
00:02:47
Speaker
Well,
00:02:48
Speaker
Sex as I knew it was a bad three-letter word. It seems to be a taboo topic within a lot of families and especially was in mine. I felt ashamed to say it, to talk about it, to think about it, to watch entertainment that had it in it. I would even use a black Sharpie and black out those parts in books that I read. Yeah. And then add a Y on the end to that and it's sexy.
00:03:16
Speaker
Okay, I thought if I'm afraid and ashamed of sex, how could I possibly be or feel sexy? Right? And since there was little talk about it, and if there was it, it was just naughty and wrong and bad, which led me
00:03:36
Speaker
to the belief that feeling sexy and being intimate was naughty, wrong, and bad. So that meant I was naughty, wrong, and bad for having feelings or thoughts that aroused me.
00:03:51
Speaker
Now, I know, now I know that sex is this full body experience that feels magical when you're committed to that one special person. It really is more than just sex. It's like giving a portion of your soul, your heart, your body that's shared with someone else. It's a piece of you, a piece of them, and it's always consensual. But before I knew that,
00:04:19
Speaker
I didn't know. I was scared to ask questions. It was uncomfortable and it's fabricated and choreographed in movies and media so that an ordinary gal like us already has all these expectations. And for me, sex was like this locked door that you only got the key to once you were married.
00:04:42
Speaker
So when I did get married, I got the key to the door, the kingdom of marriedhood. Okay. And it felt like all of a sudden it was all just supposed to be okay and it was good and it was right. And now I could talk about it and now I could do things and I could be sexy and I could do sexy things. And yet it was scary as hell. Okay. Because how could it not be when for so many years it was basically a sin.
00:05:13
Speaker
Now, now, okay, listen, I'm sure there are some things that I'm missing that I distorted and my young brain didn't catch all the details like they truly were.
Wedding Night Reflections
00:05:24
Speaker
I only have the version of the event of what I have and what I heard was what I heard. My mind filled in the blanks. It found evidence and it created the emotions and the feelings to make it a belief. After all, that is what the mind is designed to do.
00:05:42
Speaker
I'm sure if I asked you, you could remember the details of your first kiss or your wedding night, right? I'm sure your version of the story would be totally different than the person you kissed or your spouse on your wedding night. Same event, but different versions of the story. Well, I remember our wedding night so vividly.
00:06:07
Speaker
Let me start with my father-daughter dance. Our song, I Loved Her First. It was very popular when I got married and it's a beautiful, beautiful song. Well, while the song was playing, I just started to ball. I mean, ball. Crying, one for the fact.
00:06:25
Speaker
that I got this rite of passage with my dad and being the first daughter to get married, it was super special. And two, because I knew I was about to unlock the door of the married, like the Mary Hood
00:06:42
Speaker
kingdom of mystery, if you will. Plus, I knew everyone else knew what we were about to do and in the back of my mind, it was like I was being released from my parents to run off with my husband to do these bad and naughty things, right? And when the night started to come to a close,
00:07:06
Speaker
And it was time to leave for the wedding night. Everyone was giving us the eye and winking at us and making little jokes, which made me more and more nervous. Actually, I was terrified of what would happen. I didn't know what would happen. I was so not prepared for any of this. I couldn't do this. That is exactly how I felt.
00:07:27
Speaker
And I had heard horror stories about wedding nights from others and what expectations my new husband would have and that I needed to fulfill these things. And the only information that I had really about the male body was from a book called, tickle his pickle. All right. Um, tickle his pickle, which I was told to return by the way. And it was considered a naughty read, but it was the only information that I had.
00:07:57
Speaker
So when we reached the end, I was so self-conscious about my body and how to be sexy.
Body Insecurities and Marital Struggles
00:08:05
Speaker
I was all up in my head about what he would be thinking, and I felt I was doing something naughty, even though now I'm married, so it should all be okay.
00:08:18
Speaker
It was okay to unlock this mystery door of intimacy, sex, and being sexy, right? Well, as we entered our room, he had roses all over the floor, sparkling grape juice with chocolate dipped strawberries, and as I took in the scene, my heart started to race.
00:08:40
Speaker
Well, he kissed me lightly and then he walked away and like started filling up the tub with this bubble bath and the tub was shaped like it was like a heart. And I was like, well, all right, okay, this can't be all that bad. Wrong. I couldn't stop myself from thinking, what if I do it wrong? What if I'm bad at it? What if it hurts? What if he hates my body? What if I don't like his? You know, all the common things us sisters think about.
00:09:09
Speaker
Well, he came walking toward me and I just, I held my breath. But guys, he was so tender with me. He took things slow, unzipping my dress and sliding it down my body. And then he took my hand and he helped me into the tub. And as I sank in, like I couldn't even bring myself to turn around and see him undress. I had never seen a man naked, let alone had sex before. And it felt like, like it was all happening way too fast.
00:09:38
Speaker
Well, you know how the story goes. I woke up the next day, no longer a virgin, right? Well, I was told that making love was like making bread. The more you practice, the better it gets.
00:09:52
Speaker
Well, ladies, it is not like making bread. I mean, there was a rise in temperature, but to keep with the bread analogy, the bread didn't set, or it didn't rise, or whatever it is that bread doesn't do that you know it's not fully baked, okay? I now know that for most of my marriage, I had this internal tug of war around sex,
00:10:16
Speaker
sexual and sensual desires. I went from sex, being turned on, touching your body as not okay, naughty, dirty, wrong, evil, to, oh you're married, it's all good now, you just had to be married first. It was not how the movies portrayed. I mean, I was having this internal war that I didn't even know how to talk about.
00:10:43
Speaker
I even felt naughty when I googled once, how can I enjoy sex? And it felt even worse when sex felt like a chore. And it was something that I just had to do sometimes because it's what my husband needed and wanted. Sex was painful. It was not enjoyable. And I was beginning to feel like this mystery door sucked.
00:11:06
Speaker
It seemed to me that my husband loved sex, still loves sex. Well, I did not, which left me feeling even more guilty, even though I deeply desire to love sex, just like all these other sexy women that were out in the world. Was I doing it wrong?
00:11:26
Speaker
There would be times he would slide his hands down my sides as he kissed me on the neck. And all I could think was, ew, don't touch my fat rolls and love handles, please. I couldn't just be in the moment. My mind was always wandering and wishing he wouldn't do this or that. And I never spoke up and told him how I was feeling for like a really, really long time.
00:11:52
Speaker
Too long, really. If I had spoken up, maybe things would have been different earlier.
Pregnancy and Birth Challenges
00:11:58
Speaker
It wasn't until five years into my marriage that I learned about what lubrication was. Okay? Wow. I mean, and it helped with the pain factor, but I had a bigger problem. I didn't feel like I really knew my own anatomy.
00:12:13
Speaker
What gave me pleasure? Pleasure was okay. I mean, I knew kind of the basics, but it was 10 years into my marriage. When I found out what the clar... I can't even say it right. The Claridorus? Oh man, how embarrassing is that? I can't even say it. 10 years though, guys. And I just found out.
00:12:32
Speaker
what it did and what it was. I mean, we had two children by this point. How embarrassing is that? I struggled with being intimate and this tug of war inside me of I want him and I like that and I do feel sexy too. I'm bad for doing this. This is wrong. Back to, oh, it's okay. You're married. You're a wife now. Oh man, the struggle is real.
00:13:02
Speaker
Then we had new exciting challenges come when we did have our first child and we were excited and a lot of women out there say how much they hate being pregnant. I for one loved everything about being pregnant. I was blessed to not get super sick. I mean, I did have like migraines that I swear were from hell that made me throw up and I definitely could have done without those.
00:13:26
Speaker
Yet like all in all, I loved all three of my pregnancies. The movements, the tingles, the nudges, it was wonderful. And there was just one thing I wasn't prepared for. And that was giving birth and like the after birth phase, like that fourth trimester. Each birth story had its own crazy wicked ride. So I'll just give you the short versions.
00:13:53
Speaker
With my first, I made sure to read all of the books, because you know, that's what you're supposed to do. And with my second, I did hypno birthing. And my third, I did a planned c-section. With each birth, I was going in as like prepared as I could be, when in actuality, I wasn't prepared at all. And what I mean to say is, I wasn't prepared for the hospital, the nurses, the drugs, the pushing things on you so that you just progress more quickly, that feeling that
00:14:21
Speaker
my body and my baby were no longer under my control. It's like very disempowering and it felt like I didn't have choices. It was my first birth that really changed things up for the next two and yet my recoveries just seemed
00:14:38
Speaker
to get worse with each birth. So for example, my first birth, I would not have chosen to be induced with a drug that they use for abortions because it has a high risk of hemorrhaging and it was for abortion. Like, yeah. And like, you see, wow, I don't know what that noise is. If you hear that, I apologize. It wasn't like,
00:15:04
Speaker
I wasn't progressing as fast as they wanted me to progress by like hour 15 so they started hinting at like a c-section which made me feel more stressed because this this wasn't what I wanted and being more stressed wasn't good for me or the baby and
00:15:24
Speaker
Then like four hours later, I was confronted with the knowledge that her little heart rate was too low. She wasn't recovering after each contraction. And they told me my only option was to have a C-section. Thankfully I did too because the cord was wound like around her neck so tight that she entered the world like blue. Okay. And just an hour later, I had hemorrhage so badly, which I believe is because of the drug because the,
00:15:53
Speaker
first side effect listed is hemorrhaging and like they almost like they almost took me back guys to tie my tubes like I would have been done having kids and it was terrible luckily they did not and I just remember being so drugged and in pain that I don't remember really much of my stay after that and this was the first time
00:16:16
Speaker
that I really felt like an utter failure as a new mom. And that failure continued as I struggled with nursing. Because, you know, you hear that nursing is best, and I have a lot of beliefs about different things now. But at this time, I really struggled nursing. It was not easy being raw and bruised and, you know, always with your top off.
00:16:42
Speaker
Well, okay, like that part wasn't so bad, but I had thought that God had made a mistake and I was the mistake and I was not cut out for this and I wasn't good enough and I wasn't enough for my baby. My body didn't even know how to recover properly. I was in pain all the time and wow, like,
00:17:05
Speaker
Through a lot of prayer and trying some calming techniques and by the grace of God, I was able to nurse our new little addition.
00:17:14
Speaker
And then my first and my second, they're like two years and four days apart. And I was determined with the second birth that it would be nothing like the first birth. And I would make sure that I had choices and that I would speak up. So I took the best hypno birthing class ever. It was called the Curtis Method. And I felt so empowered for this birth. And I could say yes or no to recommendations as I felt necessary.
00:17:40
Speaker
It was the most amazing feeling. And it was after 36 hours though that my little guy's heart rate just plummeted and it wasn't, it wasn't rising and it was just staying really low. And I got to make the choice. Me, without really any recommendation of them trying to push it on me, I made the choice to deliver by C-section. So yet again, the cord was wrapped around his little neck, super tight. And my second baby entered the world.
00:18:08
Speaker
just like his sister before him. And I was like, what is wrong with me is what I thought. Why can't I just deliver properly? I had hemorrhaged again. I had a longer stay. I had blood transfusions. And my mind was like, see, you can't even recover right. Each birth is getting worse, like each one. And what does the mind do? Well, it's always looking for evidence to prove what you believe is true.
Marital Challenges and Personal Growth
00:18:38
Speaker
just like his baby sister, which now I guess would be his older sister. He came home with his nights and days mixed up. Oh my gosh, the uncontrollable crying. We went through that period of purple crying with both. Oh man, it was so rough. And I just still had this thought. I wasn't meant to be a mother. Why couldn't I comfort my children? Exclusively breastfeeding was a full-time job and it is a full-time job.
00:19:08
Speaker
Where was my husband though through all of this? Well, I was trapped by this expectation that I had put on myself that I could do this alone. And I'm the mom and I know best. So my husband would sleep soundly during the nights. And I don't think it's because he is deaf and he wasn't wearing his cochlear implant. I had set the expectation that I could do this on myself. And I would only wake him if I was like beyond frustrated and had a fountain of tears.
00:19:37
Speaker
And you know, you see like I had set this expectation as well though that he would just know when to help and when to step in and how to help and basically just like be this mind reader. That's not how it works. So I would yell for help and he wouldn't hear me and I would cry myself to sleep and he wouldn't hear me. And I knew that being married to a man who was deaf
00:20:07
Speaker
would have different obstacles and that we would both learn how to navigate our relationship and the new relationships that we'd grow with our children as well. However, with all the new mom feelings and expectations,
00:20:20
Speaker
I could care less about all of that. I was struggling and I was mad. I was mad that he couldn't see any of that and that he wouldn't help me and that he couldn't hear me and just take over. It felt like I was a single parent. At one point, I was a single parent. That's a story for another day, but it was rough.
00:20:44
Speaker
My state of mind was in trouble. My relationship was in trouble. And what I did know, based on my evidence that was piling up, is that it was all me and this was all my fault. Because what does the mind do? Always looks for evidence to prove what you believe is true.
00:21:03
Speaker
So over the next four years I became a personal trainer because I thought if I fix my body then everything else would just take care of itself. Still like I still had those unhelpful thoughts though because it wasn't working like it wasn't fixing all of the other things.
00:21:22
Speaker
I'm just not good enough. Something's wrong with me. I don't have any willpower and I just don't want this bad enough. I'm such a failure. These were the thoughts that I would have. Super unhelpful, super unhealthy.
00:21:37
Speaker
I was just like, no, there has to be something that I'm missing. So I set out again in that same four years. And that was when I certified as a transformational nutrition coach. So I could stop myself from emotionally eating and doing all of the wrong things that I thought personal training would like, just start like being better. And it would finally pay off for being a personal trainer if I could just stop emotional eating.
00:22:04
Speaker
But what happened was I got a glimpse while I was in school about how the brain and the mind worked. Just a taste of what I now know was really the root of my problem. I had to get out of my own head, but I didn't know how to do that.
00:22:23
Speaker
And it was during my third pregnancy that I came across something called NLP, which is neural linguistic programming. And what that meant was that I could understand my mind in a way that would allow me to let go of all of the thoughts and the experiences and even the negative emotions that were tied to childhood memories or
00:22:45
Speaker
Something that was passed down for generations and I was carrying this extra weight in my body and in my heart and in my mind Like every aspect of me it was like the root of who I was in my current life at that time And I have to tell you like I was actually skeptical of
00:23:05
Speaker
of it working. I mean, how could you really release for good the things of like your past easier than talking for hours with a therapist? Was it really true? And if so, could this be the answer that I desperately desired? To just love myself and to love my children and to love my husband and to just love and enjoy my life.
00:23:30
Speaker
And just before giving birth to my baby, I enrolled in the mind surgery method course to learn for myself and to become a certified practitioner. And little did I know that this would be the godsend I needed because this third pregnancy, this third delivery was my worst recovery.
00:23:53
Speaker
Our youngest daughter is the only one that I was not able to breastfeed, and I took that pretty hard. Yet, this time, my mind was more equipped. I was more mentally supported, and my marriage was working more like a partnership too, so it definitely improved.
00:24:13
Speaker
for this birth, which again was just a godsend for all of these things falling into place. And she by far was one of our happiest babies and is our happiest baby. Like she's one years old now. And I think that God knew. He knew that we would need her because of the extra week long stay
00:24:35
Speaker
recovery I had to have another surgery I had hematoma and hernia and a half a cup of blood just sitting in my abdomen I mean seriously the worst recovery and that story oh man oh man that story and it was it was then while I was recovering and my class had started I
00:24:57
Speaker
that the taste in to the mind that I had previously had was like such this small teeny tiny portion. And here I now knew that the root of my problem wasn't my physical weight and it wasn't the circumstances I was in and it wasn't me. It wasn't me when previously I thought all of this was my fault. It was all me.
00:25:21
Speaker
And it was really this virtual reality created by my unconscious mind. And this was when I fully jumped into a full self-discovery journey. I had finally broke through. It was mind weight, what was stored and kept in my unconscious mind. You see, this is when I learned that all change is unconscious.
00:25:47
Speaker
I had only been scratching the surface of what was really happening. I was doing affirmations and I was doing the mirror work and I was trying to talk to myself better and being more positive. Yet inside, I would still hear that voice in my head say, it's all a lie. No matter how many times you say it, it's not going to be true. And this challenge
00:26:13
Speaker
was like the challenge was that I was only keeping myself improvement on the surface because I was afraid of what would be lying underneath. And this is why I still would continually be triggered by family and friends and my little coworkers, AKA my children and my neighbors and strangers on the street. And it was rough. And on an unconscious level,
00:26:41
Speaker
I didn't know that what was actually happening was I wanted resolution. And I was trying to set myself free from this mental and emotional heaviness. And my unconscious was working with me so that I could let go and feel at peace with my past experiences, memories, emotions. And I was just fighting it. And that's why these triggers were happening.
00:27:08
Speaker
because I was being presented with this opportunity and my mind and my body were just trying to let it go.
00:27:15
Speaker
But I was resisting. I would shut down. I would hide it away. I would stop it so that I just wouldn't feel it. I would sweep it under that, let's be positive rug. And I knew that if I kept this up, I would just continue to get the same results, which really, they weren't results. They were just emotions of hurt and shame and fear. And I wasn't actually getting what I desired at all.
00:27:41
Speaker
And I wanted to seriously let go, like for good. I wanted change. And that is what neuro-linguistic programming did for me.
Purpose and Engagement Invitation
00:27:53
Speaker
NLP, it opened me up to what was possible. That I could lovingly embrace all of the versions of me and gain perspective. I could let go while keeping the positive learning from each event all the way back to now.
00:28:10
Speaker
And you can too. That's why I created this podcast. That's why I created my local Me Time Adventures so that you could take time to reset and recharge mentally and emotionally. And this is why I created resources to help other women to the other side of those unhelpful thought cycles and get out of the cycle. And if I was able to release the belief, like,
00:28:41
Speaker
I'm not enough. And now it will come up sometimes. And what I hear now is you and I both know that that's total BS. You got this. And it's such this empowering feeling to know that I am in control of what I'm able to perceive for my life.
00:29:05
Speaker
Imagine what could be in store for you. Imagine if you could understand your mind and create the outcomes that you desire for your life easier than you ever thought possible. If I can do it, you can too.
00:29:23
Speaker
you just finished another episode of the sex and motherhood podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Feeling inspired? Go ahead, rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to hear your biggest takeaway sister friend. So I invite you to skip on over to Instagram and leave a comment about your favorite part at, at sex and motherhood. Be sure to share with your sister friends too. Meet you here next week.