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00:00:01
Scared to be 100% yourself?
24 Plays2 years ago
In this episode Heather shares a personal story about a toxic friendship and what she learned from it.
- How not being 100% you is a diservice
-Building walls to keep out what we are ashamed of YET, it isnt helpful
-Defining what friendship or relationship you desire
Show notes:
You will want this amazing book by Jennie Allen. Get it here.
JOIN the MINUTE TO WIN IT - Realignment through mindful movement! Learn more here.
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Transcript
Introduction to Sex and Motherhood Podcast
00:00:00
Speaker
And I have found that the more that I've built those walls, the less my friends actually know all of me. Hey sister friend, it's Heather Georgel, your certified life and NLP practitioner. And here we make doing the inner work not suck by talking about all things motherhood, womenhood, sex, and everything in between. Are you ready? Let's talk. This is the sex and motherhood podcast.
Authenticity in Friendships
00:00:29
Speaker
Okay so I really want to be able to talk to you today about some things that have just really been on my heart and in my mind and it's almost been a little bit scary to talk about and it's kind of ironic because what I've been wanting to talk about is friendships and relationships and how when you are not 100% yourself how you're actually doing a disservice
00:00:54
Speaker
to those around you. I really want to get this right and I really want this podcast to be a place where women can take the time and create a space for their mental and emotional health so that they can gain clarity around
00:01:13
Speaker
the thoughts and emotions and the struggles that you know have been happening in life and it's it's been difficult it's been difficult um and i really hate saying those words difficult it's been difficult recently i was talking with a friend and we were chatting about how with certain friends and in certain relationships
00:01:40
Speaker
how you are able to be 100% you and being able to speak your whole truth and not walk on eggshells and how then there's other relationships where it feels like all you're doing is walking on eggshells and that there's no way for you to just be yourself.
Lessons from a Challenging Friendship
00:02:00
Speaker
And it brought up a past friendship that I had had
00:02:06
Speaker
It was a tough friendship for the both of us, for both parties. And we really struggled trying to make this friendship work. And it was really hard to see it end. There was a lot of hurt feelings on both sides. And now looking back after, you know, years have passed and so much growing on my own part, I have realized that this really tough relationship that left me feeling
00:02:33
Speaker
drained and exhausted and unappreciated and really hurt and in a space where I really felt that everything that I did was not good enough and if I did try to do something like help clean you know the house to help support my friend that
00:02:53
Speaker
they didn't find that to be something that was helpful. It was more of I was invading their space and that was really difficult for me because my natural habits is to to help where you know I see a need and I feel it and sometimes I forget that not everyone is like that and that sometimes there needs to be an invitation and while this relationship has ended and it had its season
00:03:17
Speaker
I never once have wished ill for my friend and I have grown so much because of this relationship. I have grown to be able to see people for who they really are and not try to change them.
00:03:34
Speaker
I was able to see myself in a different light and realize that I needed more humility in my life and that I didn't need to control every aspect of my life. And how when I allowed this person and their thoughts and what they thought of me to really take up space in my mind was all my own doing. I was in this misery, this unhappy state, and I was choosing
00:03:57
Speaker
to allow my unhappiness and my struggles to just be something that I complained about because it made me feel better to complain about them and it was all my friend's fault and little did I know of it, you know, I was letting her have free reign in my mind and letting the thoughts and the emotions spiral and it kept leading me down this this really harmful path and if it wasn't for this season in my life
00:04:27
Speaker
with this friend that would test me and would push me to be really seeing it now more than I am. Not that I would want this friendship back, it was not a positive
00:04:42
Speaker
relationship that could really thrive for the long term. But it was a relationship that really allowed, I would hope for the both of us, to see different aspects of who we are and to really come into our own of who we wanted to be.
00:04:58
Speaker
I just I feel really inspired to talk about this because sometimes there are relationships or friendships you know like me where they're just so toxic and you're trying to be someone that you're not and you are walking on those eggshells it stresses you out there's lots of anxiety whenever you see this person whenever you're with this person the environment that you're in just creates more unhelpful thoughts and
00:05:25
Speaker
It triggers emotions. And even though it does all of those things, there is still so much room for growth and for reevaluation.
Fear, Overthinking, and Relationship Growth
00:05:36
Speaker
And until you're in a space, like a head space, to really work
00:05:41
Speaker
through that and to see it as separate, that everything that's happening is a circumstance, it's an event, and it doesn't need to be the truth. And I believe that there's so many of us that
00:05:56
Speaker
would rather choose to be unhappy because it gives us something to complain about. We would rather have struggles because it gives us something to complain about. We get really good at complaining, but when was the last time that you took a situation and you were able to see it for what it was? Just a circumstance and you were able to check in
00:06:20
Speaker
and see what the emotions were that you were feeling because emotions only last 90 seconds or less unless they're tied to a thought or a belief. 90 seconds, it's really not that long.
00:06:32
Speaker
to process how it is that you want to feel, how you want to come out of the conversation, how you want to come out of the relationship. Is this relationship good for you? Is it good for them? And to be brave enough and courageous enough to speak and say what it is that you're feeling and what it is that you're thinking.
00:06:55
Speaker
I think a lot of times we are so afraid of what the other person is thinking that we allow what we think that they're thinking to become our own thoughts. And it creates our own actions because we're overthinking what they're possibly thinking. And what's interesting is they're doing the exact same thing. What you're afraid of, they're probably afraid of too. And I just think it's ironic.
00:07:24
Speaker
that the relationship that I had with this sweet friend
00:07:29
Speaker
If it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have known what friendship, I wouldn't have known what kind of friendship I really wanted. I wouldn't have known how to be a better friend. I wouldn't have been able to see what it was like to have someone that did care, but yet you still collided. And I wouldn't have known what it felt like to remove myself
00:07:57
Speaker
from a relationship that I worked really hard at making successful and to have it not be successful and how that led me down this journey of healing and I'm so thankful for her. Like even to this day I want what's best for her and for her family and it took some time to get there and it's okay
00:08:23
Speaker
to have hurt feelings. It's okay to feel what you feel. And there is something to be said when you allow yourself to be 100% you.
00:08:35
Speaker
A lot of us seem to be 98% us around certain people, family, friends, coworkers, teachers, schoolmates, at work with our boss, or even with our kids, you're just the certain percent of you. There's times where I wanna say something, but I feel so ashamed that I'm even thinking it or that I even wanna say it. And what would they think of me if I was to say what I was really thinking and feeling?
00:09:04
Speaker
and that fear sets in and it's like I can't actually say what I want to say so I'm just gonna have to like try not to agree because I disagree and feel really guilty and I deal with like those emotions but then there's this other part of me that I'm coming to this realization that I can be nice about it and I can being 100% myself rather than just 98% of myself
00:09:29
Speaker
And to say the things that I'm trying to hide from other people, those things that I'm ashamed of, that I don't want to say. And that's kind of how I feel about social media. I want to be on it so desperately, but there are still little triggers that pop up for me that I'm not doing enough.
00:09:47
Speaker
to express how I'm feeling. I'm not being portrayed the way that I want to. How is it going to be received? And I start to really get in my head about it. And I always, even now, it's silly to me because I have these thoughts and I'm like, but you know, you know that that's not true. Like you know that if you just speak your truth, that those that need to hear it, those that are waiting for you are going to be inspired. And it's okay to repel
00:10:15
Speaker
those relationships that really aren't meant for you. I mean, do you really want to spend years and years and years cultivating a relationship that you're only 50% yourself, that you're only 60% yourself, that you're only 98% yourself? I mean, no, I would hope that your answer is no.
00:10:32
Speaker
and that you'd be able to grow into the version of yourself that you truly desire and that you gather your tribe around you, your close-knit friends, a sisterhood, a partnership to where you can express the hard things, the easy things, the struggle, that there is space that is allowed to be able to be 100%
00:10:56
Speaker
you and that there is no judgment.
Impact of 'Get Out of Your Head' on Self-Discovery
00:10:59
Speaker
I mean it is human to judge but there is a difference when you are able to see someone for who they are and you love them but can still disagree in a respectful way and I have just really been thinking about that and I guess it was interesting to me because I have been reading this amazing amazing book
00:11:20
Speaker
It's called Get Out of Your Head and it's by Jenny Allen. She is just speaking to me like I need to be spoken to. And she talks about the lies and the truths and how the enemy of your mind is fear and is doubt. It's this low grade energy that keeps you feeling lost and in the dark and unworthy and breaking down in tears and building up walls
00:11:47
Speaker
to keep yourself from being hurt. I have found that the more that I've built those walls, the less my friends actually know all of me. Their view of me, whom they believe that I am, I am helping them create that version of me.
Perception vs. Reality in Self-Image
00:12:02
Speaker
Sometimes it's a beautiful version of you. It's like that surface person that you want everyone to see yourself as and then other times It's not all of you. And so then you feel guilty that your house isn't clean Because your friends coming over but your kids have marked up the walls with the crayons. There's food on the floor You've shoved it underneath of the entertainment center. You have shoes everywhere. You forgot to take out a few poopy diapers There's graffiti on
00:12:30
Speaker
you know, a couple of the mirrors because the kids drew on the mirrors. The dishes are chuck full to the brim of the sink. The floor hasn't been swept in what looks like years, even though you swear that you swept it like just yesterday. And the laundry has piled up and you feel like, does my house smell? What if someone comes and all they smell is my house and they're gonna judge me. And this perfectionism that we set on ourselves to be that perfect somebody.
00:12:58
Speaker
so that nobody will really see that last 2% of who we are, that part that we're guilty and we feel shameful about. I have noticed that the friends that love me for that extra 2%, even though there's things that I feel ashamed about, but that I can still talk to them about, and all I feel from them is love and understanding and they are there for me, that is a relationship worth having.
00:13:28
Speaker
That is a friendship worth cultivating.
Mutuality in Relationships
00:13:31
Speaker
And for it to be about giving and receiving, and that it's not a take, take, take type of friendship, type of relationship, because it is exhausting to be the giver in a relationship. It is exhausting to feel like you are the only one contributing to the relationship, to the friendship, to making things be
00:13:56
Speaker
how you envision them to be. Do you really want to feel mentally and emotionally exhausted when you leave your family's house? When you leave a friend's house? When you leave having a date with someone? Do you really want to feel mentally and emotionally exhausted in that way? I hope you're like, no! I do not want to feel that way anymore!
00:14:22
Speaker
And it's about being brave and courageous and showing up with that extra 2% that we like to hide. Because if you lose friendships along the way, maybe they really truly weren't the friendships that are for life. They're there for a season. They were there for you to learn something. They were there to humble you. They were there to build you up. You were there to build them up. And it's okay if they only last a season. It's okay.
00:14:49
Speaker
to let friendships or relationships go. The longer you hold on to something that is actually hurting you, it's harmful to your thoughts, it's harmful to the way that you feel about yourself, it's harmful
00:15:04
Speaker
for your emotions and it sends you in this spiral of anxiety and doubt and fear and all you do is complain about it. It's time to take some space and definitely allow yourself some grace and allow the other person grace.
Evaluating and Ending Toxic Friendships
00:15:18
Speaker
Be brave. Find the friendships that help you be 100% of the person that you desire to be and those parts that you feel ashamed about, those parts that you
00:15:30
Speaker
feel guilty about have friends that look past who they think that you are so that they can see who you truly truly are and when you start to align yourself with friendships and relationships in this way to where you focus on how they make you feel you focus on the type of thoughts that you have with them you are going to see that they are aligned relationships and that they build you up and that you
00:15:59
Speaker
giving is also you receiving and that it is together in harmony that it works and it's beautiful and that you don't have to spend all of your time complaining that you can spend your time motivating the other person but having humility and seeing in yourself who you truly are and who they truly are
00:16:21
Speaker
I don't know if this is something that you needed to hear today. And if this wasn't meant for you, that's okay because I still said what I felt needed to be said. And I hope that you find friendships and relationships that build you up that
00:16:38
Speaker
you build them up and that it creates an alignment of harmony and confidence and empowerment and joy and that it just is abundantly overflowing into all aspects of your life. And that if there isn't a relationship that is doing this for you, that you really take the time to evaluate and to see where your place is in that relationship. And it is only up to you to make the choice of whether or not to stay
00:17:07
Speaker
whether or not to seek the help that you might need to make the relationship work. Or maybe it's about being brave enough to end the toxic relationships that really are causing you more pain, more anxiety, more depression, more of all the things that we're ashamed to say. And it's time to focus on having the courage to do what is best for you so that you can show others to do the same.
00:17:37
Speaker
you just finished another episode of the sex and motherhood podcast. Thank you so much for listening. Feeling inspired? Go ahead, rate and subscribe so you never miss an episode. I want to hear your biggest takeaway sister friend. So I invite you to skip on over to Instagram and leave a comment about your favorite part at, at sex and motherhood. Be sure to share with your sister friends too. Meet you here next week.