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Facing What We Try to Escape: How Pain Teaches & Moves You Closer to Yourself
51 Plays4 months ago
Hitting rock bottom isn’t the end—it’s the beginning. Two years after my divorce, I’m closing the chapter on that part of my story, not because it didn’t shape me, but because it’s not who I am. In this episode, I get raw and real about the struggles that cracked me open, the lessons that rebuilt me, and the shift from just surviving to truly becoming. From drinking to escape to learning to sit with the hard stuff, from questioning my worth to knowing it fully—I share the honest truth about how we find ourselves in the mess and how we rise from it. If you’ve been waiting for a sign to let go of an old narrative and step into your next version—this is it. Let’s move forward together.
And if you need a daily reminder that you’re stronger than you think, grab my affirmation cards at wanderingthewildmess.com
Alexa play Morgan Wallen, "I'm the Problem"
Stay Connected
- Website: www.wanderingthewildmess.com
- YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@utahgirlinnash
- Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/heatherdyann
- TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@utahgirlinnash
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Transcript
Finding Strength in Rock Bottom
00:00:01
Heather Morgan
Often we have to hit rock bottom before we find the strength to rebuild. But the good news is that's where the real journey begins.
Podcast Introduction
00:00:15
Heather Morgan
Welcome to Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. I am so happy that you're here.
00:00:23
Heather Morgan
Hello everyone and welcome to the podcast.
Embracing Vulnerability
00:00:28
Heather Morgan
I want to come in with this episode and be really vulnerable with y'all in saying that I know a lot of this podcast and I appreciate all of you for being here has about been about my journey.
Shared Struggles and Connection
00:00:46
Heather Morgan
And I want to share that because I truly do think that sometimes when we understand we're not alone in the messiness and the struggles and the challenges of life, it makes us feel a little bit more prepared or okay with taking it on because we don't feel like we're in a silo trying to figure it out. And we realize other people have felt that way or had those trials. And it just gives us a sense of like, we're not doing this life alone.
Self-Improvement and Divorce
00:01:16
Heather Morgan
But I also am very aware that there has been a lot of work that I've done on myself. And I don't know if my whole tune is, you know, to be divorced and kind of speaking of that all the time.
00:01:34
Heather Morgan
And so as I'm figuring out what makes the most sense for me, I do want to kind of wrap a little bit of a really vulnerable story as I reached just barely on the 30th of January. It's been two years since my divorce.
00:01:55
Heather Morgan
And I feel like people, if you've been through a heartbreak, you know, I hope you're not still holding on to it all these years later. And I know a lot of people do. And I wouldn't say I'm necessarily holding on to it in the sense I'm happy where I am, but it was just such a transformative part of my life that it and it impacted me in ways that I never even knew would become. Like it's completely changed my soul in a lot of ways.
Transformation Through Challenges
00:02:32
Heather Morgan
And that's why it's been such a theme because it's such a transformative aspect of my life.
00:02:40
Heather Morgan
And I want others to see, just as I started this podcast, that when we hit those really, really challenging parts in our life, that is when we find we dig deep and we get the strength to really start the journey of where we want to go and who we want to be. We have nothing left anymore.
00:03:06
Heather Morgan
We've exhausted everything and we're just our identity is changing. Our life is changing. Everything is changing. So we have kind of this clean slate to start anew. And so when we look at it that way, as painful as it is going through that process, we can really make our life be whatever we want.
00:03:26
Heather Morgan
And that's the beauty and the mess of it. And I want to kind of reflect back a little bit of closure
Anniversary Reflections
00:03:35
Heather Morgan
for me. I was just in Salt Lake and it was for work. And at the time when I was learning that I was going to be out there,
00:03:46
Heather Morgan
I didn't really connect that it was going to be the week of when my divorce would have been finalized for two years. And I'm a big dates girl, so I'm in numbers like as far as like the significance in your life.
00:04:01
Heather Morgan
And so for me, realizing that was like, Whoa, I'm gonna be in Salt Lake, because I still remember the day that I was notified that it was finalized. And I've told the story before another and the podcast early on that I had already had plans to go to sushi with my friend at the same place my ex and I used to celebrate. And it was just weird that I went there.
00:04:24
Heather Morgan
I already had plans to be there and that was the day we got divorced. So two years, I've really had a lot of self-reflection because I always, I think it's just like anything like we do with the new year or you do on your birthday, you kind of look back and been like, okay, what has happened these last two years since that day that I remember all too well of looking and getting that email where it's like your divorce is finalized?
00:04:54
Heather Morgan
And for those of you that are like, well, okay, divorce, but it it's, I never would have known it myself because when you get married, you're just not thinking that that's even going to be a thing. And so it's, it's just really weird to like have a document in front of you being like, Hey, remember that plan you made and that commitment to someone? Well,
00:05:20
Heather Morgan
The government just said, nevermind. Now you don't owe that person anything anymore unless you get audited and then you owe them back taxes. If you know, you know. So, uh, anyhow, I'm okay. I'm trying to make it funny, but, uh, there's just a lot of things that it kind of just,
00:05:43
Heather Morgan
came to my forefront of my mind and I wanted to get a little bit more vulnerable before I somewhat close some of the the door on that part of my life because there's so much. And what I will say is that looking back, it's crazy to think about what really prepared me.
00:06:07
Heather Morgan
And in the strange timing, because you know how I think if you listen to the podcast about life, music is significant. Morgan Wallen song I'm the problem came out the midnight of the day that I've died of divorce. And when I first heard it a year ago, when he teased it, I was like, Oh, wow, did my ex husband write this song about us? Because it really sounded like it.
00:06:36
Heather Morgan
And then it just is in the abyss for eight a year and then it comes to fruition here now. And I'm listening to it like, that is exactly what I heard um in this whole, so it's just flashing back to the divorce. So what I'll kind of tell you that's interesting about,
00:07:01
Heather Morgan
life and when you're making these changes. And this doesn't even just have to be a marriage. This can be with setting boundaries or changing ways that you interact with people. It triggers people for you to want to do something different. Obviously, when you want to end a relationship or get a divorce, likely if that person
00:07:27
Heather Morgan
wants that life at all, then they're going to come and be upset at you for changing your mind because they don't want to change their mind about the relationship. And that was what I experienced so much.
00:07:42
Heather Morgan
There's a line that's like, um obviously you probably know the song, but if I'm so awful, why'd you stick around so long? If it's the whiskey, why'd you keep on pulling off the shelf? And then it says, um you hate that when you look at me, you halfway see yourself.
00:08:01
Heather Morgan
And all of that really resonates with our
Drinking and Marriage Issues
00:08:06
Heather Morgan
relationship. And I've talked about it before, just high at a high level, just there was issues with drinking. And I kind of just want to give a little bit more into that, not to like air out dirty laundry, just to kind of maybe help someone see why that was a significant part of why the relationship couldn't be.
00:08:32
Heather Morgan
And so I've said before that during my separation and divorce, I probably was more messy and drink more than I really had in my whole life.
00:08:44
Heather Morgan
I didn't drink until I was 21 years old. And I wouldn't say like once I was 21, I was like too wild and crazy with the drinking. I mean, there would be times from here and there, but I had kind of a number of maybe like less responsible friends or friends that would get really drunk. And so I would kind of have to like step up and you know, be the DD or stop drinking. So like I never was the girl that was just blah, blah, blah.
00:09:11
Heather Morgan
And then when I got with my ex husband, like, I again was playing that role of being the more responsible one. So it was very rare that like, we were out and I was more drunk than him. And so, which, you know, again, we're going through a 20s doing our thing. But into our marriage, I realized that I started learning and not just, this isn't even per se, just about him. I really started realizing and being open, leading my mind to, you know, okay, sure, in our 20s, we're getting drunk because it's fun.
00:09:51
Heather Morgan
But when you're like a grown ass person with a family, and I'm not saying anything bad about drinking, i I did dry Jan. So I'm out of that out of the woods. Y'all are you out of the woods? Anyways, but ah I'm not like this is not like this. Oh, drinking awful, but drinking to cope with life or escape reality.
00:10:15
Heather Morgan
is became apparent to me. So I started realizing drinking obviously takes us out of our heads. And the usually we're drinking to escape. And the more we love ourselves in our lives, the less likely we want to escape, right? And I started learning all these things. But at the time I started realizing that and I think I subconsciously and knew this and that's why the drinking was challenging in my marriage. It wasn't just the drinking. It's not like he was this angry drunk. It was that I knew that there was things inside that needed to be fixed so that the drinking didn't have to persist so frequently.
00:11:04
Heather Morgan
And I think knowing that, that there was pain that needed to be healed and not knowing how I could help heal it was hard for me to digest or hard for me to talk about or explain or whatever.
Hardships as Life Lessons
00:11:19
Heather Morgan
So I just kind of went with it because I never was like, I felt like I wasn't drinking for pain.
00:11:28
Heather Morgan
in my life up until like for a lot of time I wasn't and even when my dad passed away, I think I mentioned this like I did not drink because I Knew I would just be so miserable So there was a period of time in that really traumatic grief and loss that I just wasn't drinking because I knew I would literally not be able to manage my own emotions so I was kind of the opposite but in 2019
00:11:56
Heather Morgan
The fall of that year, I think I mentioned this, like something really significant to my life happened because of my excess drinking, excessive drinking. And it put me in a grief period.
00:12:19
Heather Morgan
And then I mentioned this before, then COVID came and we were, I mean, it was just at such a weird time that then I took that grief from 2019, brought it into 2020 and just really masked and drank. And then because of what happened, it put my whole life turned upside down at that moment as well. And now I look back and realize it was just a prereq for everything that needed to happen. And I'm saying all this because I hope that you can also connect to realizing that in our lives when there's really hard things that happen and they feel devastating, they are 100% I promise you the lessons you need to get to where you need to be.
00:13:10
Heather Morgan
They're the lessons you need and there's also a piece of this that when something that is not for you is shown to you, you will get shown and told and reminded over and over until you finally learn that that's not for you and you need to leave.
00:13:29
Heather Morgan
And so I'm not saying that everything is perfect. And if something, one little thing goes wrong jet, but when you get these large signs that are just so overwhelmingly, how does that even happen? It is telling you that that's not where you should be. 2019, fall of 2019, I knew it wasn't where I should be.
00:13:57
Heather Morgan
Yet I ignored all of it because I was too afraid to change.
00:14:05
Heather Morgan
And so I drank. And 2020 was just that weird time. And then I threw myself into work. And like when I'm saying I drank like I don't want it. I think I'm just being vulnerable and honest about like drinking tequila after work. It's not like it was like wake up and we're like chugging vodka. um I think it was it's very it you you got to think about my also upbringing where like my parents didn't even drink growing up. And I didn't drink until I was 21. So I wasn't like puking at 16 with a whole bunch of booze and my friends like, so probably maybe a more normal amount of drinking for some people seemed a little extensive for me in how I
00:14:49
Heather Morgan
thought about drinking because of that background. Like I've said before moving to Tennessee, it's totally different. Like it's in everything that everyone does. And it was less like that in my experience. So I think it just over it just made it feel even more overly concentrated in our life. and It was hard. And I'm sure part of that Mormon like biased about it made it feel less of a positive, right?
Coping Mechanisms
00:15:19
Heather Morgan
I was like, how can we do life and like just be like drinking every day like it just seems like it's probably not the right move. So all that to say is that I
00:15:31
Heather Morgan
threw myself into work and then I was stressed and then stress was making me drink. And then I was managing it and then obviously the divorce and then I was drinking all the time during the separation because I didn't wanna manage my emotions. And during that time, once I started to realize that everything that I was saying I didn't want in him, I was doing.
00:16:00
Heather Morgan
And I kind of even had that ping of guilt to like, how can I, you know, shame, I guess, or make him feel, I mean, I can't make him feel anything, I guess, but how can I say, oh, it's because of the drinking and now look at me. So it felt felt very like hypocritical. And I think the same in that Morgan Wallenstein, has said um if it if it's the whiskey, why you keep on pulling it off the shelf?
00:16:27
Heather Morgan
And I think sometimes when you're in that relationship with someone that wants to drink frequently, you you resent it, but then you just like join it because it's easier than dealing with the broader conversation of like, what why are you drinking so much? What are you escaping from? Is it me? Is it us? Is it our life? Is it this?
00:16:53
Heather Morgan
What is the root cause of that? Because I can honestly say that the times that I've been overly drinking the most is when I am sad or I have emotions that I do not want to manage myself.
00:17:15
Heather Morgan
And so I do believe that there's a correlation between being happier and not excessively drinking because I think there's less need to feel and know an escape.
00:17:34
Heather Morgan
And this isn't to say people that don't drink are the happiest people, because I think some people just don't use and don't cope that way. And it's not to say you can't be a happy person and like to drink. But I think overall, the excessiveness is usually a sign that something in your life is lacking or is not being dealt with. And so you're escaping or avoiding dealing with it.
00:18:01
Heather Morgan
And I think it was hard for me to know that was true about him and to, I mean, unfortunately, it sadly, like make it about me.
00:18:12
Heather Morgan
that was That was wrong of me. And I look back at times and, and in the marriage now that like two years after the fact, which has like felt like forever and then also flown by at the same time. I know you could probably relate to that. A lot of us have those points in our life, but I think about, I wish I could have been more supportive.
00:18:38
Heather Morgan
And at the end, I remember him being like, well, you're not helping me. You're just gonna, you're just giving up. You're just not, you know, you don't care, but it wasn't that. But for him, it felt that way.
00:18:53
Heather Morgan
I could have been such a better wife and I just didn't know how.
00:19:03
Heather Morgan
And I think I was okay with being like in that song, like I'm the problem. Even though he would be like, you're miss never do no wrong. And I, I'll be honest, i I wasn't perfect. I could have been so much better and I could have been more supportive and I could have been
00:19:29
Heather Morgan
I could have been softer with my words.
00:19:35
Heather Morgan
Oh gee, but we all don't know what we're doing all the time. We're all just trying our best. And even two years later, you know, it still makes me feel like, you know, I don't want to redo it. I don't want to relive it, but I just have to make sure that I learn from it.
Living Without Redos
00:19:58
Heather Morgan
And I think that's really the message here.
00:20:02
Heather Morgan
is that we can't, we don't get a redo. We just have to do and be the best we can with what we know while we're there here in whatever we're doing.
00:20:14
Heather Morgan
And when we are seeking to escape the things that need to be dealt with, we just don't fix them. And I know I talked about that in an episode before. and There was just a lot that I didn't want to talk about that were just hard things to talk about. And honestly, like the What I did that probably doesn't, didn't serve me a lot is that I always were like, was like, well, ours isn't bad compared to X, Y and Z. But the comparison thing is really a moot point because it really doesn't matter what the other, everyone else's reality is. We just have to deal with our own.
00:21:01
Heather Morgan
And whatever our reality is, is the one that we should manage. It's not, I'll do the, I'll stay this way because it's not as bad as this or it's not, it could be worse or it could be that, or my feelings aren't valid because other people have larger problems than me. It's still valid.
00:21:19
Heather Morgan
It's still,
00:21:21
Heather Morgan
you still have, you can still feel something even if it's not as bad as what someone else feels. And I don't even know who decides engages that if I'm really honest. So as I'm like, obviously getting in my feels here, I guess I just and want to get to a place where we all can relate to as When hard things come, when we have to leave things in a ah in our lives, whether that's friendships, relationships, whatever, it's it is lessons. I know I could not self-reflect the way that I have had I not really took it take took a step back and went, what what was that?
Marriage Reflections
00:22:11
Heather Morgan
What was that?
00:22:13
Heather Morgan
Why, why did that go that way?
00:22:18
Heather Morgan
And I realized all of the points in time throughout that I could have handled things differently. And I'm, I really am not beating up on myself. And when, when I feel things and the tears are coming, it's because I genuinely wish that I didn't have to
00:22:40
Heather Morgan
not bring my best self to my ex-husband, but I just was not her yet. He got the version of me that didn't know how to express heart emotions. and i And I'm working on that. And he deserves that. So I literally don't like again, we don't speak at all. But I like cannot wait for the day that it's just him and some wonderful woman that like gives him everything he ever wanted from life and more. And vice versa. I feel like that would be I almost would be happier for him than myself. And I know that sounds so weird, but it's so true. And
00:23:30
Heather Morgan
I want to kind of let it go. Like I I've said before that I have forgave him for everything that changed my life in ways that I can never get back.
Forgiveness Post-Divorce
00:23:45
Heather Morgan
But I know that there are things that that he feels the same way about me.
00:23:52
Heather Morgan
And
00:23:55
Heather Morgan
When they say that like divorce is like a death, <unk> it's almost harder when the person's still here.
00:24:04
Heather Morgan
It's almost harder when the person's still here. So I'm going to end this by saying that I'm going to let go of
00:24:16
Heather Morgan
this chapter for me of this feeling of always resonating with being divorced.
Letting Go of Divorce Identity
00:24:26
Heather Morgan
It isn't who I am. It was just a part of my journey.
00:24:34
Heather Morgan
And it led me to do all these really scary things that I'm so happy that I've done. It reminded me that we all have the strength to change our life and change our minds and change our reality and change who we are and become another version of ourselves at any time if we decide. ah trust It taught me to trust and love myself for who I am.
00:25:00
Heather Morgan
It taught me to lean in with kindness more than I ever, ever have before. And I thought I was kind. It taught me that boundaries are okay, and that at the end of the day, I have to protect myself because I'm the only one looking out for me. And that doesn't mean I don't ever want to get remarried, that I don't appreciate the men that have been so great in my life, that I don't care about my friends if I don't think that that relationship is serving me. All those things.
00:25:34
Heather Morgan
i have completely been able to transform my mind into such a happier place because of the struggles that I went through.
00:25:46
Heather Morgan
But those struggles aren't who I am. They were kind of like that, like ah what do they say? It's kind of like a rocket like it's or a slingshot. It just slingshots you in to what you need to be or who you need to become and it gets you there quicker. All of those hurts just puts you into a happier place. So if you're going through anything, if you're still waiting for that,
00:26:12
Heather Morgan
If you're going through it right now and you're not understanding, just know that every path and struggle is a strength building and teaching exercise to prepare you for what's next. And so it may hurt in the moment, but it will be the most beautiful thing when you come out on the other side. So I'm letting a little of this go.
00:26:41
Heather Morgan
and closing this chapter two years later.
00:26:46
Heather Morgan
And I hope that if you're if there's something in your life that you've been awaiting to just give it some closure, that maybe this episode is that sign to close that door on that being your narrative and your reality and and allowing you to have a new one.
00:27:04
Heather Morgan
allowing you to have a whole new you and become whatever that looks like for you, whatever you want it to look like.
Affirmation Cards Promotion
00:27:14
Heather Morgan
Like I've talked about before, our words and our thoughts create our reality. If you haven't got my affirmation cards yet, you know where to go. Wanderingthewildmess.com. They're there. Read them.
00:27:30
Heather Morgan
Get them, read them every day, remind yourself of your worth. It will rewire your thoughts to a place where you know that it's all working out for you. That was my saving grace through all of this. And that girl that was lost, alone, confused, scared, anxious, depressed is now happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I will say that happier than I've ever been in my entire life. And it isn't because of anything outside of myself. It's not tied to a person or a thing or anything I have particularly. It's just within me and it feels amazing. And I,
00:28:25
Heather Morgan
want that for you and you deserve it.
Gratitude and Future Excitement
00:28:29
Heather Morgan
So we'll close this chapter. I told you I'm going to buy a weekly after this, so there'll just be one more episode in February and then still so many more things to come. I know I say that all the time, but wait it out with me. Wait it out with me. This year is the year of all the things and I'm so glad you're still here along for the ride with me because remember what? You matter.
00:28:56
Heather Morgan
This was Wandering the Wild Mess with Heather Morgan. You matter.