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00:00:01
E17: West Coast Check In
62 Plays17 days ago
Return of the middle sister aka editor aka LA girly! In this episode we’re reunited back in Boston. We discuss our dad’s recent surgery, the positives and negatives of distance, and how lucky we are to have each other.
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Transcript
Reunion in Boston
00:00:04
Speaker
nice we are here from boston hence repping the boston red socks um and we're also all together so this is something rare and something fun and something flirty and something cool so yeah i think it's due to do a little hello and check in from all of us yeah i haven't been here in six months so so do you want to lead off then Checking in, like, what's up?
Emotional Check-ins
00:00:31
Speaker
yeah Yeah, you're a special guest of the episode, so how what's going on? Tell us a little bit about your F&Es, feelings and emotions. Oh, I'm feeling okay.
00:00:43
Speaker
I was really, really homesick before I came here, but now I'm here, so feeling pretty good. I'm pretty busy.
00:00:55
Speaker
and don't know. I'm, like, fine. We'll take like fine. We'll take like fine. Like fine is good. I mean, not great, but I'm like fine. Like fine is good. That's good.
00:01:06
Speaker
Yeah. no What about you guys?
00:01:10
Speaker
I think we're like fine.
Family Surgery Updates
00:01:12
Speaker
I echo that. Yeah. Like fine. um Yeah. doing Actually, doing well. Nice to be home. hu um Nice to see you guys. but Surgery went well. Surgery it was this past week. Oh, yes. Things are good. Just for a little duck date.
00:01:28
Speaker
Doug update or dad update works. do there one the day Surgery was good. went well. We're in recovery mode right now. So that's why we're all together. And for father's day tomorrow, thought was today, but it's not. It's never on a Saturday.
00:01:45
Speaker
Um, but yeah, it was nice. I was lucky enough to be here because of my schedule. Um, well, the day before our dad went into surgery. So I was here with my mom and that was super fun. And then,
00:01:57
Speaker
Everyone progressively started to come in more to the house and we are now at full capacity, which is always really fun and kind of rare other than like holidays.
Importance of Family Time
00:02:06
Speaker
So at first it was my mom, my dad and I, i well, I guess me met and my mom, and then my dad was in surgery.
00:02:12
Speaker
And there's the three of us. And then Lucy came the day that he got discharged. So it was four of us. And then Emma came that same day-ish at what time did you end up getting in? Friday at 5 a.m. m Yes. Okay.
00:02:24
Speaker
Yeah. I got a bone to pick with Delta Airlines. Yeah. So Emma got in and while the sun was rising and then um Emma's husband, Will, our brother-in-law, got here. Shout out, Will. When did he get here? Saturday morning?
00:02:37
Speaker
Friday night. Friday night. I have no sense of time. today Saturday? Yes. Clearly none of us have a sense of time, but it's nice. It's nice to like all be together and also just like see it like keep growing and the table at dinner
Challenges of Distance
00:02:48
Speaker
growing more. It's always...
00:02:49
Speaker
fun for us and I'm hopeful that it's fun for our parents too but I think they love it I think they're happy Yeah, well, we have, i mean, i think our main purpose for this episode is to check in with you and see how you're doing and feeling and all that stuff. um You have a different perspective than us, I think, on all of this, just being in LA and being further away. So I think like, how how would you say, first of all, just how you're doing generally, but then how like location and distance is playing a role in just your way of coping with the situation?
00:03:25
Speaker
Yeah, it sucks. I hate being so far away. and it's really, really difficult to be so far away. And when things are happening and like I can't help because I'm so far away.
Healthy Distance and Coping Mechanisms
00:03:42
Speaker
So that's been really tough. um It's also tough to find people who like understand what I'm going through, i guess.
00:03:54
Speaker
But I'm happy to be back. I'm happy that I was able to come back for a little bit. But it's just being far away is not good.
00:04:05
Speaker
Like it's there's no really positive way to spin it. um Because when I'm far away and I don't know what's going on, I can just like make up worst possible scenarios in my head.
00:04:17
Speaker
and that's not fun. um But it's also given me some healthy distance, I think. which is something that I don't think about a lot. um So I guess that's like the one positive. I like the idea of healthy distance because I think like ah Haley and I are on the East Coast, obviously, and we're back and forth from New York, but we're still not here and not in the house. And I think like, again, it's hard to compare to your situation because you are further away and it's much harder for you to get back.
00:04:47
Speaker
But like, I'll go through a stretch of four or five weeks when I'm not home and it feels like, it just feels so far away. And I think just, I think there's aspects of what we are feeling that you're feeling. I think you're feeling the more extreme because there's also a time change added on and just different schedules and stuff like that.
00:05:07
Speaker
But, um, I do like the idea of healthy
Emotional Support in Caregiving
00:05:10
Speaker
distance. What do you like, what does that mean to you Healthy distance? Um, just like a little bit of separation um,
00:05:20
Speaker
all of the emotions and all of the events that are happening. Like, I don't know, as much as I would like to like take care of dad on a weekend where mom's out of town, i never have to, I don't know. That's a really bad example. I don't know.
00:05:38
Speaker
No, I think that's a good example. Cause honestly, like that was really hard. And I think like, i came away from the weekend of, and taking care of dad. I mean, it's relative. Like I think, his back is the main reason why he needs someone to quote unquote take care of him right now, just to make that more
Household Management Realizations
00:05:55
Speaker
clear. But I think like the taking care of him weekend, like Haley did it. And then I came back and did it when our mom was away advocating for brain cancer funding and support and awareness, and then going to her 40th college reunion, which she had a blast at, which I'm so happy that she did.
00:06:11
Speaker
um But like that, like that was tough. And I think I came away from that. Yeah. Honestly, like I'm not historically a super neat, clean, organized in my personal life type of person. And I came whoa, I think I changed. i came away from that, not only realizing that dishes burn calories, thanks to my aura ring,
00:06:31
Speaker
But that like you to run a household, it's so much work. It's so much effort. It's way more than I thought it was ever.
Processing Distance and Anxiety
00:06:40
Speaker
And I think like I've taken bits and pieces of that and added it to my regular life because I'm like, okay, you can make things easier for yourself having gone through a harder experience. But like that said, I think my point of all this is that I like it.
00:06:53
Speaker
I think it would be very difficult for you. It was very difficult for me. So yeah, it's nice to not. have to have had to do that. um But I'm sure you'll be in a situation like that. I mean, even this weekend. And want to be, yeah.
00:07:06
Speaker
Like, I want to help. And that's the other part that sucks about being away. But there is a sense of healthy distance sometimes, like that, I guess. And I also have, like, more space to, like, process stuff.
00:07:20
Speaker
Yeah. I mean, I think you can, like... It's nice to be able to prioritize yourself. Like when we're not here, I'm like, okay, this is my time. i can be selfish. I can choose to hang out with friends. I can choose to not hang out with friends. Like i I want to feel like my life is not beholden to other people's schedules or other people's agenda. And obviously, like, that's not possible sometimes with work and things like that.
00:07:43
Speaker
But I do feel like when I'm at home, I just have more authority, I guess, for lack of a better word, over my stuff. So it is nice in that sense of, like, you getting to feel that way.
Managing Surgery Anxiety
00:07:56
Speaker
I mean, i'm not I don't want to put words in your mouth yeah if you feel that way.
00:07:59
Speaker
no yeah like I like have no other choice but to focus on myself and take good care of myself which is so important yeah when I'm in l LA so I think that's really important yeah but it does really suck I was just talking to mom about it so I'm sorry if I'm a little bit of a downer but yeah it just sucks like I really hate being away and it's sad because I feel like I'm missing out on stuff um Yeah. But I mean, you've been home this weekend. It's pretty much just a napping house. No, I know. Exactly. Yeah. But no, it's again, like I'm like, I'm missing out on all these things. I'm making up scenarios in my head because I'm away.
00:08:38
Speaker
how How do you help yourself distinguish between like, like, cause, and I do the same thing. Like I always am thinking about, okay, what's the worst thing that could be happening? What if I leave next weekend and like something bad happens, right? So how do you, when you're having those feelings, like,
00:08:54
Speaker
control that or try to spin it so it's like better for you? Yeah, that's a really good question because I have an exact example of this. i was in l LA during the surgery, during my dad had back surgery and I was- Our dad.
00:09:10
Speaker
No, he's just mine. Okay. No, he, our dad had back surgery and I was like attached to my phone looking at the time being like, why, why hasn't it been like, like, why is it taking this long? It's supposed to be a 20 minute procedure. Like why, why hasn't anyone updated me?
00:09:28
Speaker
And it's like, I actually had that wrong. Apparently it's 90 minutes. I was telling him it was 20. No, 90 was wrong. 90 was wrong. They were anticipating two and a half hours. Will you tell that to mom because she... Wait, is 90 two and a half?
00:09:43
Speaker
No, that's one and a 90 one and a half. They were anticipating two and a half and it ended up being three. It was longer than anticipated, which it typically is. But 20 is... No surgery is 20 minutes. i idiot onic Well, that derails my answer. No, but still, say your answer. In the hospital, when mom and I were waiting for to give you guys information...
00:10:01
Speaker
Not only was he delayed three hours to even start it, but he also, we thought, 92. So it's like, yeah, it was scary. And yes, he was delayed, but that happens at hospitals. They took great care of him. We love MGH. Yeah.
00:10:13
Speaker
But all that to say- waiting game sucks. I was just looking at my phone being like, well, they haven't updated me, so that means- it's over or that means like they cut his spine in half or that means like, I don't know.
00:10:29
Speaker
But, but what I do in those situations, because my, I have a vivid imagination. um i just literally
Proximity vs. Emotional Distance
00:10:37
Speaker
check the facts and I go, okay, the facts are they do this surgery all the time. Yeah. all the time I thought it was 20 minutes.
00:10:47
Speaker
but Also checking the facts of how long does the surgery actually take you to go up? You need to be put under. You need to do it. You need to like wake up. Like it's, it's a really long time. Literally just needed to check the facts. And the biggest fact that I checked to make myself calm down was they do this all the time.
00:11:07
Speaker
It's okay. I will say on the other side of that too, like I was in the waiting room with mom and I'm very glad there was two of us there. But like those feelings, even being there, like we still were a part of the unknown. So yes, like I texted you guys the second that I knew and tried to update, but like we were sitting there in person, feet, ah not feet away. We were probably like, I have no idea. In the same building as where the surgery was happening and still having those emotions. So like sometimes the proximity, like you were in Louisiana at this time during surgery, you were in l a
00:11:40
Speaker
And I was in the waiting room, but like, i i mean, I don't know. i guess it was nice to be there with mom, but like, I didn't feel like I was getting information
Strengthening Family Bonds
00:11:48
Speaker
right away either. Like it was, it's sort of all of that unknown. Like we, ah you feel distance even if you're right there. Yeah.
00:11:54
Speaker
But basically, yeah. Sorry, go ahead. To answer your question. i just check the facts.
00:12:02
Speaker
of like because Because sometimes my mind plays tricks on me and I need to take a step back and remember what's true. And that helps me a lot.
00:12:13
Speaker
Just like ground myself and not be like, well, they haven't texted me about the surgery. So obviously the hospital blew up and there are no doctors anymore. It's easier said than done. Like I like that idea of grounding yourself because I think all of us can fall into the spiral for lack a better word of worst case scenarios um but that's a really good tactic I might need to steal that from you it's great please steal it from me it's a dbt tactic I love that well sort of like going off of tactics and things I guess like um obviously like this has been a whirlwind of a process for all of us and especially you and your situation being farther away and not being as easily accessible to come home is challenging so I think
00:12:59
Speaker
we're wondering just like throughout this process, what you feel maybe you've learned about um yourself, maybe like about our family in general, or just like what matters most to you. Like, I liked what you were saying with the tech, with your tactics and skills, but just like, maybe if you want to reflect on that, I know that's sort of a big question so we can all do it, but I think a lot more that I'm way less alone than I think I am.
00:13:23
Speaker
And with you and also with people that like I surround myself with, like something bad has happened to everyone. And I think that's a pretty universal experience.
00:13:39
Speaker
And what else have I learned about myself? um I guess that, that I tend to reach out when I'm feeling sad.
00:13:50
Speaker
I think that makes me feel better is to reach out and be like, what can I do for everyone else? Because that sort of takes me out of my own little woe is me bubble.
00:14:01
Speaker
And sort of just like, I don't know, like whenever I'm feeling sad, like I want to call one of you guys and be like, how can I be helpful to you But also just like, I've been calling you guys a lot more and I like talking to you guys.
00:14:16
Speaker
We have definitely talked a lot more Yeah. That's, I think, yeah. I think we've realized how an important, like, sisterhood and, mean, not that we didn't know that before. but, like, we didn't talk every day a few years ago. No, totally not. We talk every single day now. Yeah, I think where you prioritize family, you prioritize yourself, which I think sometimes means prioritizing family and connection and relationships. different.
00:14:39
Speaker
Yeah, that actually bleeds into one of our other questions, which is, like, how do you feel, and maybe the answer is it hasn't, but if it has, And you're from your POV. How do you feel like your relationships with dad, mom, the two of us have evolved over this sort of unexpected experience? Oh, yeah. Well, I feel like we've never been closer. hmm.
00:14:59
Speaker
on Right? yeah Right guys? No, so i feel I feel the same. We talk about it all the time. Yeah. I mean, I edit the podcast, so I know what you hoes be talking about. I think it's like low-key like trauma bonding.
00:15:13
Speaker
No, it is. And like, it's just like, her he loves company it's the it's the unknown experience. I mean, not the unknown, but it's like the unspoken, it's happening to us in the same way. Like he's our dad.
00:15:28
Speaker
no one else is going through exactly what we're going, but, but we are, all three of us are actually going. But even like, sorry, I'm interrupting, but even like, like mom is going through this, but in a different lens than the parents are. And I think it's like, thank God we're not only children because it's like, understand. Yes. Even the way that all of us are viewing it and coping and reacting in some ways is different because we all are different humans. But like the whole feeling like, this is our father who we all love with and have a great relationship with. And like,
00:15:58
Speaker
that's the way it's impacting us is very, very niche yeah to our relationship with him, which is like, no one in the world understands it the more, like understands what I'm feeling as much as you do and you do. And vice versa. Like no one else except
Open Dialogues with Father
00:16:09
Speaker
for you guys. yeah And I think my relationship with mom has changed and grown because I talk to her candidly about my feelings a lot more than I have in the past. Like I cry in front of mom every time I see her almost, just because, i don't know, I'm just, like, really, don't know, comfortable doing that. She has that effect sometimes. She's very, like, welcoming.
00:16:36
Speaker
ah hear her voice and I'm like, ah! No, but literally, like, I... And it's interesting also because, yeah, you know, but that's fine. I love you. but um But I call... mom all the time and I'm like what's up what's new and she's like oh like let let me go get daddy and I'm like no like I called to talk to you girlfriend like what's up with you like how are you like so I'm I'm because i just want to make sure that she knows that she's valued and loved also like she doesn't need to be going what dad's going through to like be able to like reach out I don't know but
00:17:16
Speaker
yeah And then my relationship with dad has grown and changed in really interesting ways. i feel like I, my, well, dad, my dad and I have all, my dad, our dad and I have very, have always been very candid and honest with each other about everything, including life and death and everything. So I think,
00:17:46
Speaker
I've talked to dad a lot about like existentialism and like, we were very able to like, just talk about like what's next together. Very like honestly and very like kind of without emotion, which is interesting.
00:18:01
Speaker
um I think, yeah, I think we're just very, we're able to like talk about his mortality together. And that's really interesting. That's like deepened our talks and stuff. And I'm also,
00:18:16
Speaker
We have a very similar sense of humor. We all do, but dad and I have a very similar sense of humor regarding what's going on So I also think that I give him some laughs that maybe he looks for from you guys and you guys are just sick of his shit.
00:18:35
Speaker
So i think, yeah, I think that's how I think it's changed. But yeah, it's just been really interesting to just learn more about my dad and like what he thinks about everything.
Evolving Family Roles
00:18:48
Speaker
And i don't know why for some reason I'm able to talk to him about this stuff without really getting emotional, but it has truly deepened our relationship, I think.
00:18:58
Speaker
And i just love talking to him. He's so interesting. He is. He's the most interesting man on the planet. Literally. is. agree But yeah, if that answers your question. Yeah, totally. I think that's a great answer.
00:19:11
Speaker
Branching off of that, um have you had like specific conversations or specific moments, I guess, where you feel like more connected or most connected even when you're not here?
00:19:25
Speaker
yeah I think every time my dad and I talk about like mental health or any or something. Like over FaceTime or something? Yeah, or over the phone. Every time we talk about anything over the phone.
00:19:37
Speaker
I feel like I'm pretty connected and I try to call them all the time, but it's fun in a way that like, they're not doing too much because like, if I call and talk about like a movie that I like, they'll watch it because it's like, what else would we do? so like, I told them to watch Conclave cause I was like, you guys don't even know it's tea.
00:20:01
Speaker
like all these guys do is gossip. That's what the movie is. This is a plug for a Conclave. Send me my check. But it was just, I don't know. It's been nice. I've always had a good phone relationship with them, but now it's like every time I have a spare moment and I don't know, it's interesting.
00:20:22
Speaker
I don't know why I'm talking about this, but it's interesting because when I was younger, my dad, I used to call my dad being like, this thing happened with my friends and like, that aredadada like I don't know what I want to do. And I'm so sad and dah, dah, dah. And like, he would talk me through that. And now it's developed where he calls me and he's like, I'm really nervous about this surgery.
00:20:48
Speaker
and I'm like, That makes sense. I'm nervous too. Like surgery is scary, but again, checking the facts, they do this all the time.
00:20:58
Speaker
It's going to make your life better.
Adulthood Challenges
00:21:00
Speaker
So I think we've sort of, we haven't like changed roles, but it's shifted. evolves. Yeah, for sure. um Yeah, I think that's part of being an adult. Yeah, part of growing up and also just like growing up with certain circumstances that you're faced with where it's like,
00:21:19
Speaker
that parent-child dynamic of like, oh, dad fixed my problem. Dad helped me with this is like, I still put him on that pedestal, honestly. Like I do think all, everything he says is amazing and perfect and right. And his advice I will forever follow. Like just like that advice in my head and all of those skills he's taught us.
00:21:38
Speaker
But it is interesting to be a voice of wisdom or be a comfort resource, a rock and whatever resource, metaphor you want to throw at it but i do think that it is hard almost to have that realization like oh you're a person too but it's also kind of beautiful it is hard it's like a little bit of mourning like I went through a period where I had to realize that like my dad isn't going to solve all of my problems anymore
00:22:10
Speaker
I need to step up and solve them for myself. And like, that was a sad realization, but a necessary one because I'm an adult. And so my growing sucks. Yeah. Oh no, my God, it sucks so bad. But yeah.
Nostalgia for Simpler Times
00:22:25
Speaker
And I think, and did you, was that a realization that you had like, recently with all of his stuff because I do remember being like you would come home or being on vacation or whatever and you would get upset and be like oh I just like want to like I wish that we were still kids I wish that like I didn't have all this responsibility and like yeah I think there's elements of all of us that wish that at moments but for you specifically I know that was like a big point of just you sort of craving that childhood again. Yeah. I think like this is made that harder, but maybe it's put things in perspective. It really has like, exactly, exactly that. Like this really just like kicked it into me of like, Oh yeah, no, you're, you gotta be self-sufficient.
00:23:11
Speaker
Like time to cut the shit time. Exactly. Time to cut the shit. You're an adult and now your dad needs you. So totally. What, um, This was like another, and we touched on it a little bit, but I just, what you were just saying reminded me of it.
00:23:25
Speaker
What are things, I guess, are like words of wisdom or just stuff that dad has instilled in you
Father's Wisdom and Stress Management
00:23:32
Speaker
that. Oh my God. Yeah. Know that you're going to carry on forever. Every single day of my life, I say to myself, it's not an emergency.
00:23:41
Speaker
i love that one. It's my favorite thing. And even like my mentor in the music industry said it to me on my first tour and I like almost did it. I like did a double take. So I was like, my dad says that all the time. And like when I'm on stage striking a set, when I'm, when someone's calling me about sending a budget, like it's not an emergency. Nothing is an emergency.
00:24:05
Speaker
And that just like, again, grounds me and like reminds me that like, you're good. yeah It's not an emergency. And I know that's like, It's not an emergency. That's like, what, four words? No, but it's big ones. I mean, we we always say it's PR, not yeah ER, r like at work.
00:24:23
Speaker
We're like, we're not surgeons. That's funny. That's really funny. I like that a lot. Yeah. Do you have any that you stand out for you for like advice or things of wisdom? Don't be sorry. Just be aware. That's my favorite thing he's ever said to us. I have.
00:24:37
Speaker
I have. But it's also like, and that I think is more just. Like, yeah, you can be sorry when you have a reason to be sorry. But I think. But don't just like, yeah. Yeah. Just be aware. Change your actions. Like, understand why something went wrong. And if it's your fault, fix it.
00:24:52
Speaker
But you don't need to, like, I don't know. I mean, obviously be sorry if you fucked up. But. That's a really i just like, I just hear him say that all the time. It's like, because I would sorry, sorry, sorry. He's like, don't be sorry. Just be aware.
00:25:04
Speaker
What's yours? I have two. um Well, I echo yours. But that's, you always have to echo when you go third, I feel like. My first one is ironic because I don't think I actually have taken this.
00:25:16
Speaker
um And i'm sorry but I'm sure some people watching. Don't binge drink? No, Emma. it' is's this Some people watching this are going to be like, bro, stop drinking. But he always is like, let me think about it. 15 minutes early is on time.
00:25:33
Speaker
On time is late and late is unacceptable. yeah Yeah. And I have, I used to be really on in time. I've been a little late ever since moving to New York, but I think that's like normal. Cause like subway. and That's like new York. tea um And I have been very late recently in my life, but it's fine.
00:25:50
Speaker
um But another one I love, and I'm going to like butcher it because it wasn't necessarily like a saying or a couple words like your guys was but I remember like being really self-conscious and like about the way i looked or like wearing an outfit that I've already worn and all this like dumb crap but like things and when I was younger that really bothered me and like honestly like bothered me not that long ago too And he would just say, he'd be like everyone's focused on themselves. Like no one cares about you.
00:26:16
Speaker
And it sounds crazy. It sounds mean when he's like, no one cares about you. No one does. But what he's instilling is like, everyone is so preoccupied with themselves that they don't give a shit. If you wear that, this sweater is three days in a row, no one's going to notice because they only care about what they're wearing. I did because it's not.
00:26:33
Speaker
Well, I picked it up from the, no, I actually picked it out of the laundry. It smells fun. I was just joking. Oh, it has. No, but that's, you're exactly right. Like no one cares about you as much as you. Yes, that was it. I always mix it up and I'm like, I've said this before because I'm like, what's a piece of advice in like a class ad that was stuck out with you? And I was like oh, my dad told me like no one cares about you.
00:26:50
Speaker
And everyone in the class had kind of got silent. I feel like I might be missing this. My dad says one gives a shit about
Lifelong Lessons from Father
00:26:57
Speaker
me. POV, the professor's like, hey, hey, I just want to stay after. I'm like, kidding, that didn't happen.
00:27:01
Speaker
He also yeah said something when I called him when I was like 24, when I just quit acting. When I just quit acting and I was like, this doesn't make me happy. And I literally called him sobbing.
00:27:13
Speaker
what's new and I was like I don't know what I'm gonna do i don't know what I should do everyone else knows and I don't what's my purpose blah blah blah and he like I'm I'm almost 25 I should know and he literally was just like Lucy full stop that's what your 20s are for is for figuring it out and I was like god he's so wild know i was like god damn it and I literally say that to my friends once a week because all my friends especially now that I'm 27 are and All my friends have been having like... um If you say midlife crisis, I'm going smack you across. Not midlife crisis. Have been having just like ego crises.
00:27:54
Speaker
They just are like, I don't know what to do with my life. And like, am I supposed to be doing this? And I'm just like, it's the best piece of advice to echo to other people because they also were like, God damn it.
00:28:05
Speaker
That's so true. Yeah. Watch this guy, I know. I love all the dadisms. We should start like posting those like dadisms. right. um I think that's good.
00:28:16
Speaker
Do you want to sing this out? Sometimes in our lives. cut it.