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S2E4: We are SO (attempting to be) Back
35 Plays1 month ago
A quick little post-holiday pod about the gravity of the holidays and how time together is our favorite thing, but it also comes with a lot of heavy feelings.
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Transcript
Podcasting Challenges
00:00:04
Speaker
I feel like we begin all of our episodes these days with being like, hey, it's been a long time. yeah but it's... But it has every time. We've been definitely out of a routine. um i but I feel like it's... I don't care. It's fine. No, partially. if i think it's a plethora of reasons. One, Plethora.
00:00:24
Speaker
Did you ever get that? No, go. Okay, plethora of reasons. Plethora. One, i think it's time, just like trying to find the time. Haley's finishing up school. I'm doing work. Like we' we've just got a dog. I just got a dog. Yeah. We're just so busy. I feel like these days and our editor moved from l LA to New York. So that was one, that was one thing.
00:00:49
Speaker
God, she's got distraction. Motion! As I was saying, i think we've been slacking for a couple of different reasons. Time, energy, motivation, general depression. Also, knowing that our equipment ah sucked balls. Should I not say sucked balls? No, it's fine. Okay. um Our last episode, I remember our mom texted us and was like,
00:01:15
Speaker
hey girls, like great episode. I think like Santa might need to buy you some new mics if you're interested or new equipment for the podcast. And was wanting, LOL, like audio that ass question mark. Is it that bad?
00:01:28
Speaker
And she just liked the text, like the reaction. Yeah, no, it was a very clear, she was like, great episode. I didn't hear any of it. Great episode, but it it sounds awful and yeah the content also stuff. And we're sort of like, if we're putting in the time to like actually sit down and do this and like we want I don't know, like it was helpful for us. If we're actually like using this as a means of therapy, like we might as well people not make it like totally suck with the audio and like just suck with the regular calm.
Holiday Reflections
00:01:55
Speaker
Well, we're it's also the year the dragon. No, the year of making up new words. Oh, yeah. Wait, we had a really one of the the one of the best words that we had of one of the best moments of being home. Yeah.
00:02:08
Speaker
I think it was day one. And Haley and I were both home for two straight weeks, like 14 days in Boston. I think we got an average per day, 400 steps. um 400,000 calories I I don't know four to two to four naps per day yeah this is a this is all per day um we were just like super you know everyone's like oh yeah like the lost period between Christmas and New Year's you don't know what day it is like you're just sitting and like rotting in your pajamas I think we took it to a new level yeah no this year it's never been like this before
00:02:41
Speaker
Well, because it's also like when we're home with dad, like dad dad's like, oh, sorry, I'm so tired. And we're like, oh, you're tired. Like, perfect. Like, let me go sit on the couch. Yeah. Crank up the fire. I'm like, you want to not twist my arm. Turn into an actual like, what are the cocoons?
00:02:58
Speaker
caterpillar yeah and it's a cocoon yeah like got into a cocoon and hibernate it's just so like warm and nice and no I don't know it was wonderful um so that's what we did for the past two weeks of the break that's that's why we couldn't podcast we were very busy right um doing absolutely nothing being just eating a lot of cheese not walking I didn't leave the house a couple days that's that's new granted it was freezing in Boston we also only went to jp licks one time yeah and that's crazy that's because some days we didn't go outside yeah no we're like ah it's too far um if they delivered it would have been game over jp licks is the ice cream store in our hometown i think we've definitely talked about it i'm sure we anyway so that's what was going on we're trying we say this every time we're trying to get in a regular routine i think we actually want to be dedicated to doing that um
00:03:50
Speaker
Perhaps that's in for
New Year Aspirations
00:03:52
Speaker
2020. Yeah. Dedication. Oh, yeah. We were going to do ins and outs just to like kick off the new year. Before we do, do you believe in resolutions? like Is that something you're doing? and No. Someone asked me today, do you have any New Year's resolutions? And I said But then I felt bad about it.
00:04:06
Speaker
oh no. So I haven't done them for years. my Remember last year, mine was during Guinness? we We did that. Yeah. But like that wasn't, that's like, i like doing ins and outs or goals rather than resolutions. Cause I think resolutions just like for me has a weird connotation.
00:04:19
Speaker
So let's do ins and outs. Let's dissect that. But why does a weird connotation? Because resolutions are always like these big things like that. No one actually stands, like doesn't, they do for the first month if that, and then like give up.
00:04:31
Speaker
Yeah. Maybe that's why I didn't even like think to do it. Like it did not clock needing to a resolution. And it's also, I just feel like
Health and Positivity
00:04:38
Speaker
we're perfect. Yeah. please
00:04:44
Speaker
Yeah, that's obvious. So anyway, ins and outs then, shall we? Sure. So in dedication, regularly podcasting. um Training for the marathon is in. Running's huge in. Running's in, not running's out, although running hasn't started. so it's No, I ran the other day. Okay, my running hasn't started.
00:05:06
Speaker
What else is in? Self-care. We both joined a gym that has like sauna and cold plunge stuff, which isn't like the main reason why I joined it, but it's definitely the second main reason why I joined it. I was like, perfect. I can go sit in like a little like dungeness pool. My main reason was like that the locker room was pretty it beautiful. Stunning. Okay. so taking care of ourselves, giving yourself grace that's been in for a while. It's weird. I can really think of a lot of things that are in and I'm struggling to think of anything that's out.
00:05:33
Speaker
Brain cancer. Oh, well, yeah. When was that ever? Super out. Super out. um tumors hospitals hospitals and seizures a of medicine no really let's think about what's out like I think I think like we've spent so much time trying to find silver linings in the situation trying to stay positive I think like positivity is in negativity is out is that too basic is that like the pros are good and the cons are bad the pros are good and the columns are cons are bad I stand by that yeah um
00:06:07
Speaker
I mean, I don't
Holidays and Emotions
00:06:08
Speaker
know. I think it's challenging to do, like, black and white pros and cons list because I think there's a lot of gray area with a lot of the things that we feel and day-to-day what we're doing like i think for one day positivity might be in but the next day it might be like yeah and that's bullshit and i don't want to hear it maybe ins and outs are out maybe like i'm sort of starting i think i'm like i don't yeah like i think it's actually really i think it's more to like a day by day figuring it out because like yeah running might be in on a wednesday yeah but it's definitely out today it was out really and it's also probably out every weekend for me like you know
00:06:44
Speaker
Because you're like going out. I'm dedicating my time other places. To bars? No, no. I just like to friends and stuff. Yeah, sure. Okay. can run Sundays.
00:06:56
Speaker
Maybe. Yeah, no, I think ins and outs are out. I think just like flexibility and listening to your body and. Yeah. So I think here's, here's something that's in.
00:07:08
Speaker
Um, Dad? No, I was trying to do a segue into like general update. um Yeah, we should probably. But yeah, general, we should have started with that. But if like anyone, maybe this is what they listen for. And now maybe we've hooked them. Who knows?
00:07:23
Speaker
um Probably not. We, things are going well. I would say we tried to record an episode with our dad the other day. we were, i don't know that we'll ever release it. We just all were at our like D game.
00:07:37
Speaker
was bad. It was like force. were just like a sleepy. We forced it to do it. No plan. We never have plan, but it was like really no plan. And it was just sort of like, it was like, It was complet.
00:07:48
Speaker
Oh, yeah. It false it was complet. Completely and utterly. Ble. Ble. So latin that's complet is the new word for 2026. Everything this week has been complet.
00:07:59
Speaker
Yeah. So yeah, we tried with him and like, I don't know, it wasn't like maybe, I don't, I just like, all three of us felt weird about it. Yeah, we like stopped recording and all three of us were like, that sucked. So if we ever do release it, ah sorry. you probably will know, it's really bad. You'll know, it's worse than the other ones.
00:08:17
Speaker
but um But no, like he's he's doing really well. Scans continue to show no signs of growth, which is amazing. I think we're still just, he is still just dealing with the just, you know, ramifications of this disease. So tiredness, um drop foot, bad back stuff, which again, like isn't necessarily directly related to what's going on in his brain, but it also is, it's all sort of connected because it's the pain, like the way that you sense pain, the way that you process pain, like that's all diminished a bit. It's just, it's hard.
00:08:55
Speaker
I think we're still playing the game of like, he'll say something or he'll like, be tired and we're like oh is that brain cancer or is that just like a Tuesday like are you having an off day or something off in your head and do we need to go figure it out right but I think we've so far like I think he's he's been looking good feeling good looks great so we're just continuing to take it all day by day and Like, yeah, relaxing and doing nothing besides napping and like eating for two weeks was great. But I also think like there's definitely a heaviness that comes with holidays and not increased time together, but just holidays generally like this was we've not done much since Thanksgiving.
00:09:39
Speaker
um And then Christmas. And I think like all of those holidays, realistically, you are sort of sitting there like, this is so great. Is this our last one? It's very hard. not It's inevitable to not it have those thoughts, even though I don't believe that that's the case with how things are going. But me neither. Those sort of intrusive thoughts. Yeah.
00:09:58
Speaker
and And I feel like it's like when and whenever I'm thinking, um whenever I'm thinking that, I'm like, oh, he's probably thinking that too. And then knowing that he's thinking that makes me just like hurt Yeah. So I think it's just it's so it's all weird. And I think we've just been trying to like, OK, feel what we feel, see how it goes. Like if we have moments of sadness, that's OK. If we have moments of happiness, that's also OK. Like lean into those. There's no playbook for how to get through times like this.
00:10:26
Speaker
But um but there is just an extra gravity with that. big family focused holidays yeah so and like people always say like the holidays are hard like that's a common thing people I never thought they were hard until now is that obnoxious of me probably well I think yeah I'm a little bit but like I think it's rare to feel that way i I don't think holidays are hard in the sense like we are very lucky that we are very close with our family have a lot of like good rapport with them and what have you so it's not like
00:10:58
Speaker
we have these tensions that exist. yeah But I do think like in long times together at crammed in home, like not in your routine, sitting, laying, like that objectively as fun as it is isn't something we should be doing 24 seven.
00:11:13
Speaker
So I think there's a reason why like it's for of period of time. And I think that goes back to just like, like, i don't, I as much as I needed that time selfishly to like lay and do nothing and just be with our family.
00:11:27
Speaker
I think now coming back and getting back in a routine as hard as that is, is the healthy thing. Yeah, totally. And I think it's again, like it's this goddamn balance. That's all I frickin talk about in my personal life and my professional life and like everything. I'm just like, yeah well, the balance like, oh, God.
00:11:43
Speaker
But I'm always like, oh i feel like a jar of sand. and I'm poured into it. It's yes. No, now i' like they getting I'm like, well, maybe both of these things could be true. I like say this in sessions and like I'm saying it to myself is it's true.
00:11:54
Speaker
But like, even thinking of dad too, it's like, yes, there's that area of healing, listening to your body, whether that's sleeping a lot and taking it easy. But then also there is that same level of wanting to push yourself to go exercise or to eat well or to get fresh air because that also is helping the healing process too. So I think there's this like tough back and forth to figure out because and I'm projecting about him, but that's sort of what I'm feeling sometimes.
Returning to Routine
00:12:22
Speaker
And I imagine with like the exhaustion he's feeling as well.
00:12:26
Speaker
That's like a little bit of a. I don't know. between a rock and a hard place no yeah I think it makes sure no I think it makes a ton of sense and I think just yeah like holidays are hard it's like you don't know what like I think you see everyone posting like Christmas Hanukkah like happy like and not everyone does feel that way which I think does make it harder like yeah that's a good point I don't know like and again we're still in this weird state of like pre-grief where it's like I can't we can't relate to people that have lost their dads because we haven't lost our dad but I also don't feel like I can relate to the people that aren't in a similar situation because like I'm jealous of them and it's hard it's like I don't I i think I see yeah and I think I see it's like again pre-grief like I think I see us all having fun and instead of being able to be like wow this is so fun like I can do that but then a part of my brain at all times is just like
00:13:21
Speaker
okay well like you you're not gonna have this yes i totally agree but it's like in those moments of like laughing at the dinner table or like having a good moment i have that like twinge in the depths of my stomach that's like yeah enjoy it while you can enjoy it while you can is that what your stomach is like no that's i mean no the stomach is like a knife a shark
00:13:46
Speaker
Yeah, this one looks like a shark fin. But it's in your head. It's sort of like, and I'm making the light of this because it's yeah really heavy and that's what I tend to do is make light of heavy things. Well, special guest. Special guest was barking.
00:14:01
Speaker
But what were you saying? Just talking about like, yeah, in those beautiful moments, which I'm very grateful for of just like, whether it's, yeah, like I said, laughing around the dinner table or just like a really, you you know what I mean? Like those yeah cute moments of family time and like,
00:14:18
Speaker
there's always just that little like twinge. And I feel like it's heightened in special holidays because they're already sort of emotional and they always kind of have been for me. And I don't know why I think like, I feel like I'm getting older. Like, I just think holidays are heavy for a lot of reasons.
00:14:35
Speaker
And I just always get a little, like, I always get emotional around those times because I think about like being a kid and nostalgia and all of this like other crap and like traditions and how things have changed. And maybe that's a like individual thing. I don't know, but.
00:14:48
Speaker
i just think or maybe it's like also my particular age because you're a lot older i'm not that much old i'm five years older six Five and a half. 5.5. But no, it's something my friends and I have talked about. Like it's just, it's ah there's a bit of nostalgia and I think I feel that a little bit on steroids now.
00:15:06
Speaker
No pun intended. um What, because dad was on steroids? Yeah, and I think about like myself as a kid and then like future children if that like, that's not something in my future future, but in my future, it's in my future future future. So i don't know. i yeah i don't I can't put my finger it. holidays really make you think. Yeah, and it's sort of like, do you have something to say?
00:15:26
Speaker
Um, no, the holidays really make you think and it's sort of like, I feel like we're thinking extra hard for as much rotting as we're doing. We're also doing a lot of like internal thinking. Yes, because and that's back where I go back to the routine thing. like spiral city. Like we're lying around and oh cool. What are we fucking doing except just thinking and like, and whether or not it's active because I didn't feel like I was having any thoughts, like.
00:15:48
Speaker
I'm not getting up, going to the gym, going to work, going to school, whatever it might be. Like, I'm not doing our routine. You're not getting up, like, especially even when you didn't have the dog. Like, you're not, yeah you're sleeping in more. Like, it's just all you do is sort of, like, think. Okay, this is a really weird analogy.
00:16:03
Speaker
Or not an analogy. But have you seen those things? Maybe not because you've been, like, dating someone for or married and with someone for so long. Yeah. But there's this, like, meme whatever of, like, it'll be like a weird like trapeze or like some crazy circus or some like dumb shit that a family's at. And it's like, this is the type of shit your family brings you. Like when your situation ship like is dumping you or like won't talk to you. And it's just like,
00:16:27
Speaker
No, what is it? Like a trapeze? I'm not going to describe this. Lucy cut that. No, right. Or put a picture of it up on the screen. It's like, it's basically just like- the meme. When you're going through something and the joke is a lot of the times it's like a breakup or like the situation ship not texting you back. It's like you have to like go with your family and do something that you do not want to do. Like for us, it would have been like a moonwalk or whatever. I loved the moonwalk. Shit.
00:16:50
Speaker
We went on this eco tour a bunch of years ago. like to degree It turned out to be fun, but we were dreading it. We were dreading it. Yes. It turned, but it was really like our mom loves to do fun little activity, things like that. Like this year we went to, yeah, yeah that was fun. Like this year, the special activity was we got to see Elf.
00:17:07
Speaker
She's being nice. No, We got to see um the movie Elf, but like the Boston Symphony Orchestra was doing the score of it. So that was our fun activity this year. A few years ago, our fun activity was ah five degrees, like bundle up as fuck. Like you've never bundled before and walk through the sandy desert of like some place in northern Massachusetts. that's It was a beach.
00:17:29
Speaker
I don't know where. it Was it like Ipswich? I don't, whatever. Winger Chic maybe? I don't know. Not a place. Yes, it is. That's where you and Will first like babysat me. no no no that was um crane the no oh crane's beach yeah is with the moonwalk but we went to like squabble that person well crane's beach is where we went and why are we talking about the moon tour i don't know i i don't know our weird all i know is that our tour guide was an owl expert and she was supposed to be a moon expert and that did not bode well but the experience was fun Anyway, so you're not doing a good job of this. The memes, the trapeze, what are we doing? I guess this might not land. Maybe we can add a photo. But it's basically what I'm saying is like sometimes being with family and like...
00:18:17
Speaker
It's hard. other shit's going on too. It's just hard. It's hard to get out of your routine however you slice it. And then it's also out another hard level when we add this like uncertainty and like, oh, like I feel, even when I feel happiness, I feel this like gut in my stomach of like, oh,
00:18:35
Speaker
Or pain, no, gut in my stomach. What the hell? Yeah, like pain in your gut of like, oh, like this isn't forever. No, it's all hard. But anyway, I think all in all, we had a great time. it was so much fun. Yeah. And so special to have like two and like like untouched weeks. Yeah. And it was fun to be home with all of us. Like Will was there for a long portion of it. Lucy was there for almost all of the days. And then she was there for like she just came home like a few days earlier than us. Yeah. Yeah.
00:19:01
Speaker
um But just to be like, have everyone together for such an elongated period of time was so special. And i mean it's so hard to do outside of that holiday time just because yeah of work and what have you. And like, I don't know, I just think it it is objectively special. It just is can be layered with a lot of emotions, too. Totally.
00:19:21
Speaker
Yeah. How are you doing transitioning back? Oh, that's a great question. I think fine. Like for me, work slowed down, but it didn't stop. So it wasn't like a harsh reality. Jump like back go back into it. I was one of those annoying people like January 5th, Monday morning, like 6am at the gym, which like I do every year. And then I absolutely dropped. I was there too.
00:19:40
Speaker
Well, you bet you like do that though. Like I don't do that. and So it was like, it was the most crowded day. was disgusting. Yeah, it always is. But yeah. So like that felt good. I think getting up, getting out, I think I'm definitely coming down with something which sucks. you ah Because I feel like fluid, just stuff's going around. i don't know. I think it's always hard to transition back from being home. But like because we were home for so long, I think we ended on such a good note. Like coming back this time, I was like, okay, like this is all right. And I also think the other reason for that is that in a week and a half, oh, let yeah, a week and a half,
00:20:19
Speaker
No, it's Tuesday. It's next weekend. Yeah. Next weekend. It does feel like Friday. Yes. We're all doing a little trip to um St. Lucia for our dad's 65th birthday. So, yeah. But if anybody asks, it's just a trip and there's no reason behind it because it's Lucia's birthday. Yeah, you're right. Sorry. where' Our family is just going on a little vacation um just for a few days, a place that we've been before. Like a long weekend and some. Yeah. Quick getaway. Yeah. um But it'll be lovely. As you can tell, both of us really need the sun. Yeah. We've been confused recently. we wanted
00:20:54
Speaker
One of the days we were in Boston and Haley turned to me and is like, I've like never been fatter, paler. Like I just look disgusted. I was having one of those days where like you just don't feel good. Totally. Which it obviously happens. and And I looked at her and I agreed. I was like, yeah, like, like she wasn't, she wasn't like, no, no. She was just like, yeah, like you're not like, yeah, you don't like, this is definitely, you've certainly looked better. We get in an Uber and the guy whips his head around and was like twins.
00:21:22
Speaker
So that was, ah that was cool. That was a highlight of my vacation. That was really good. um Yeah, we got confused. People said we looked like a lot. We were going to look. It must be my complexion.
00:21:34
Speaker
Sick. So. We'll be in the sun. Clocking, spray tan, and but then the actual sun. I interrupted with that, but what you were saying. I think like transitioning back has not been as difficult because we know exactly when we're going see mom and dad next. And that always helps. That really always helps. And I think it's like, it was time. It's like, all right, we're back. Like, yeah, it was time to come back. Back to reality. I agree. I definitely like.
00:21:57
Speaker
feel like the longer we're home, the more ready i'm come I am to come back. Like if I go home for a weekend, I have a very hard time transitioning versus like, if we're there for a little longer, then I like, I sort of even...
00:22:09
Speaker
missed my like routine here yeah yeah i feel that and i i like my apartment yeah now being back i'm like okay like the missing is over like i went on the subway it like smelled bad like oh god the train i was taking on monday was 25 minutes delayed that's not okay the d train the worst thing in the fucking world is the D train the D train wait what's the one that Lucy loves the G's like love the yeah yeah the J is still confused the J's better than the D the D's worst one in America but like yeah had that little like oh I miss the city and then like naturally that got squashed the first day we also were watching all these Woody Allen movies that were like romanticizing Manhattan and I remember sitting there and like looking at the cityscape and I was like yeah
00:22:49
Speaker
No, I was like fired up to come back. And then like, obviously that got squashed within the first day.
City Life and Future Plans
00:22:53
Speaker
But that's, that's New York. Penn Station specifically will do that to you. And carrying like 90 bags. I know, I'm sore from bags. so from um But no, it was. i Your transition was good.
00:23:03
Speaker
It sounds like. Yeah, I think that I definitely like felt. ready to like get home. I think there's also like, I missed people. I wanted to see people. And then yeah it's also just like, I don't know. We were home for such a good time and it ended on such a positive note.
00:23:18
Speaker
And I feel like I got my time in with everyone. I had like one-on-one time with people. I, I sort of was like. did all that in a weekend? No. I'm staying with mom and Oh, oh my God. I thought you meant when you got back, like with your friends. like, we've been back for three weeks. have seen most of my friends. That's good. that's haven't seen any of my friends. like all like met up on that Saturday to see each other. Oh, right. Rehash everything. Unhash. Wait, hash, just hash. um But yeah I just think I definitely was ready. And like you said, I'm just echoing whatever you said, but like knowing when we're seeing them again is huge for me because yeah that anticipation and the unknown is always what usually fuels my like anxiety about not seeing them in the future and yada yada. So a lot to look forward to and good to get back in routine for myself. I know for sure. Definitely. I feel the same. I'm already feeling better about that, even though I've only had one day of a routine. but
00:24:11
Speaker
Yeah. So we'll do St. Lucia. That will be fun. Or our vacation. I don't know what we're calling it. Dad will be pissed if we say St. Lucia. Why? I don't know. He's weird about that. Oh, like that someone's going to stalk it? Yeah. It's not the... It's not like a tiny island. Also. um Yeah. So we have we have our vacation coming up, which will be great. Yeah.
00:24:30
Speaker
And I think, yeah, like nothing really that new to report, which we're hoping stays the same. Again, and as I said, we're hoping to get more exciting. We've been talking to a lot of people that are either like working for cures in the space or treatment in the space, have lost parents, siblings, friends in the space. Um, in a space meeting like of brain cancer and we're linking up with our gray endurance team to start training for the New York state marathon soon. So that will be good. Um, nothing else really to report, which I feel like this is always a no news is good news situation. Always so don't need to come on here with news. I'm i'm very happy being boring. Really happy with no news. Um, ah but it's honestly like good that we're coming on here at all.
00:25:14
Speaker
It's great. That's true. We're back. And hopefully you can hear us a little bit better. Yeah. If the sound is great, it's because it is. um And thank you to our sponsors. Santa.
00:25:25
Speaker
Santa. um No, our sponsors, mom and dad. love Yeah. They're just the best. Peace out. Okay. That's it. That's it.