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S2E3: Coping & Moping
30 Plays1 month ago
In this un-editided episode, we dig deeper into the notion of coping: how coping is defined and categorized, what coping looks like for us at this stage, and how effective (or ineffective) our various mechanisms have been.
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Transcript
Podcast Setup & Topic Introduction
00:00:01
Speaker
Hello. We're back. We are live. ah little different setup. We're in your apartment now. Were you talking like that? Oh, okay. I'm just doing my voice.
00:00:13
Speaker
um A little different setup. Better? little bit. We're in Emma's apartment, Emma's apartment, hence the beautiful art and sitting on the couch. But here we are So this week we were sort of thinking, or at least I got inspired,
00:00:31
Speaker
to talk a little bit more about coping, um specifically, like, different types of coping mechanisms and how that might look, like, in different areas of life and for different people. um But I got inspired one of my classes.
00:00:44
Speaker
We were speaking about it, and I literally texted Emma during the class and was like, pod idea. We should talk about that.
Understanding Coping Mechanisms
00:00:49
Speaker
Yeah, and I don't remember where I was, but I wasn't paying attention. So I said, great, thanks, but I don't really remember what they were. So we're flying blind. So I guess I'll lead. Yeah, go ahead.
00:00:57
Speaker
Okay. um But no, I found that It resonated with me. um It was one of my courses for school right now and they were talking about sort of the different types of coping, which I think is interesting. And I know in previous episodes or whatever, a little bit ago, we spoke about how we cope and like we've touched on that here and there.
00:01:18
Speaker
But I just thought it was interesting to sort of outline the different types. Are there like, is there like specific categories of coping? Yeah, there's like four different names that I got at least learned. Maybe I'm wrong.
00:01:28
Speaker
Someone correct me if not. But there's sort of, I'll just go through them. There's no one here to track you. Go ahead. Let me educate you, please. I'll be the professor. um So there's like this problem-focused coping, which you can imagine.
00:01:42
Speaker
No, actually not. what No. Like I'm, I told you I'm blind. I don't understand. So problem solving, sorry, problem-focused coping is really about like actively addressing the specific problem or the specific stressor through planning or taking direct action.
00:02:00
Speaker
So that's not. what's an example? Well, that's not always applicable, like, in our situation. That's not. But let's say I'm stressed about a test. Okay. And I'm feeling anxiety about my test coming up, and it's freaking me out, and I'm, like, getting sick about it, and I'm consuming.
00:02:15
Speaker
Yeah. I could take action, and I could section out a little bit to study and do this, or I could take a practice exam here and make more of a schedule. Okay. Yeah. Like, there's things that you could do to control. Yeah.
00:02:28
Speaker
Okay. To make the situation better. I mean, I wouldn't say that doesn't apply to us. It's just we can't actually solve the problem. Yeah, i guess I guess you're right. i I was being a little binary with that. But, yeah, it's like taking a direct action and doing something that will make you feel better or make the problem mitigated, I guess.
00:02:47
Speaker
Okay. Mitigate the problem, rather. Cool. Next. Okay, then there. Emotion-focused coping. Okay. And granted, these all go hand in hand, in my opinion. Okay.
00:02:57
Speaker
We'll talk about that But emotional-focused coping is managing emotional responses to stress, often through techniques like, drumroll please, mindfulness, which everyone loves. we love mindfulness. And seeking social support.
00:03:10
Speaker
So I think this is sort of the typical, like, coping. Like, call up a friend. um Go for a walk. Like, that type of stuff is what I think of for this. like Like, to take your mind off of whatever's happening. Yeah, focus on how you're, the emotions. Like, what's going help you. Yes. That's how I think.
00:03:26
Speaker
Okay. But then there's another one that's meaning focused coping. So this is like. Bless you. Bless you. So meaning, meaning focused coping is not finding a purpose or a meaning in stressful situations, often based on a personal belief or value.
00:03:43
Speaker
And that's something I find interesting is my mind. And I'm curious what you think of when you hear that.
Finding Meaning in Stress
00:03:49
Speaker
Meaning focused coping. Yeah. Like when you, I mean, me to read it again?
00:03:54
Speaker
i said finding purpose or meaning in a stressful situation often based on a personal belief or value. So, like, looking, like, my mind goes to looking to, like, religion. That's what I'm going to That's why I asked. Or just spirituality. like There's a reason why, blah, blah.
00:04:09
Speaker
Yeah. Like, i my I initially went to silver lining, but I feel like it's deeper than that. i think I think it encapsulates all. Cool. I think it's, like, that's where my mind mind went, at least, too. I was like, oh, religion, reason why. Yeah, like, what it's be. This is why, like, it's stronger, whatever. What do we say? In silver lining. Tough situations.
00:04:25
Speaker
There's, like, strong people, something. There's we that. I know what you're saying. It's like, um. Tough times make tough people, something like that. It's something that. make stronger people. Something like that. Whatever. Potato, potato.
00:04:36
Speaker
um that But, no, I found that this one was interesting because I definitely think it's such a natural reaction to, like, the silver lining. Like, oh, well, at least this.
00:04:47
Speaker
And I find myself even doing that often with what what we're dealing with, which is really interesting because there's not really silver lining. But i I find myself, like, having appreciation for a lot of things throughout as, like, oh well, but at least this.
00:05:04
Speaker
Yeah, I think you can make a silver lining out of anything. It's not like, oh, I'm glad this is happening for X, No, of course not. But it's like, okay, here is something positive that's come out of something negative. Yeah. But is that, you would say that's also meaning focused?
00:05:16
Speaker
I think so because. It's like changing your mindset. Especially for some, like that's something, I mean, religion-wise, yes, or spirituality, but like that's because people are valuing those certain things. And I think if you're someone who, I don't consider myself to be very religious, but I do think I'm sort of spiritual,
00:05:33
Speaker
In some ways. Well, you're West. I am. Oh, no, I never got my letter to Hogwarts, and I cried on my 12th birthday. Did you really? Yes. So he just lied.
00:05:44
Speaker
I might have lied, but I've convinced myself that, so it's become true. Anyway. All right, let's look at this. So then the last one is social-focused coping, which sort of self-explanatory, but seeking support from others, such as friends, family, support groups, or support groups to gain comfort and perspective.
00:06:02
Speaker
And I think that's really helpful.
Social Support & Personal Experiences
00:06:03
Speaker
I like that they included... the um friends, family, and, like, support groups, because I do think those are all different aspects of social, or social, what's that word?
00:06:17
Speaker
I I don't know. Socialization? No, I don't even know what I was trying to say like But basically, like, obviously, like, friends and family, you might group together, but these support groups, I think, are really important specifically for, like, that perspective aspect.
00:06:29
Speaker
Yeah, well, I think that's helped mom a lot. For sure. With like, be like having a situation Like, being able to talk to other people that are caregivers for people going through this cancer. Like, that, I think, has been super helpful. I mean, I think you and I have found a community of people that understand what we're going through, but also, I don't know about you, like, at the beginning, I feel like I thought I would gravitate more towards people that have, like, had big, substantial, I mean, all losses, but you know what mean? No, Loss of a parent or, like, have gone through something like this.
00:07:01
Speaker
And like at a similar age. Yeah, but it actually almost made me like for a while and I don't feel like it anymore, but it was almost like harder to talk to people because I was just like, ah maybe I was like scared what they were going to I don't know.
00:07:14
Speaker
Like it was easier. I don't know. Does that make sense? Well, I felt the same way, but for a different reason I concluded. But yeah. Okay. i I feel like I had a weird sense of not wanting to speak to people who have lost a parent, specifically that, because I was worried like,
00:07:31
Speaker
I felt uncomfortable because I have my parents. Yeah, I was just going to say, like, I felt guilty almost. Yeah, we aren't in that situation right now. No, we're not. And I think that's important to remember. But yeah it's also back to, like, the silver lining coping thing. A lot of people, and not always, this is a big generalization, that have gone through loss sometimes, have a lot of perspective, and are willing to share that with others who are pre-grieving or grieving or what have you.
00:07:57
Speaker
Yeah. And I think that is something you gain in a heart situation ritual. Back to that saying that neither of us remember, like, tough times build stronger people, whatever. But I think that's also even different than, like, specific support groups. For sure.
00:08:09
Speaker
Just going back to, like, the categorization. Yeah. So what do you think you do the most of,
Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Coping
00:08:15
Speaker
of all four of those? I don't even, like... I think they all go hand in hand. Yeah. I don't feel like they're distinct categories. I feel like you try all of them.
00:08:21
Speaker
Like, it's not like I've not tried, like, going for a walk, or I've not tried, like, talking. Of course, of course. Yeah. um And I think it also depends on the person, like... For me, like, emotional and social are really linked.
00:08:32
Speaker
Like, will talk to you a lot, and that helps, like, my emotional whatever section, chakra, whatever you want to call it. Not chakra. I love that word. And so does, like, working out.
00:08:45
Speaker
Yeah. But that's, one of those is a lot more social than the other. i don't know. Yeah, I mean, sometimes I feel like. at least in terms of my coping mechanisms, like, they're often avoidant. So even if it's, like, working out, like, even if it's falling into one of those categories, like, physically removing myself from the situation or, like, seeking people, like, it's more so, like, I'm trying to get away from actually thinking and talking about it.
00:09:08
Speaker
Like, to me, that's when I think about coping. Like, I feel like That's where my mind goes more. Like compartmentalizing? Or just doing things that, like, take you out of the reality, which I think is one subset, but I just.
00:09:20
Speaker
Interesting. And do you think that's, a like, a positive way of coping or negative? I think to an extent. I think it's good for some times, but I think, like, if that's all you're doing, like. The avoidance. Yeah.
00:09:34
Speaker
There's a balance. Everything has a. Everything has a goddamn balance. I've learned that in my life. Yeah. long life. Long life. but Yeah, no, I mean, there's also the whole aspect of coping of, like, what's adaptive coping mechanisms, what's maladaptive. See, I don't, like, I don't know what things are.
00:09:50
Speaker
I took, like, 10 years ago. Okay, adaptive. Let me read you the professional definition. I feel like I'm at, like, a half-assed master class. Come on. It's just cause it's me. If it was someone else, you'd be really interested. Maybe.
00:10:03
Speaker
Adaptive coping mechanisms are like healthy strategies. Okay. So i don't I think I like the word adaptive and maladaptive because it's like not good or bad. It's a little more like inclusive. um But basically like.
00:10:15
Speaker
and It sounds pretty good or bad. Yeah. No, but adaptive is like directly addressing the problem. So what you're sort of saying, those avoidant ones, they help you feel better and there's nothing wrong with that.
00:10:27
Speaker
But if you were only doing that, it'd probably be a little more maladaptive. Yeah, but I feel like that, then just going back to what you were saying earlier, like this is not a situation that we can fix. Like we can do things to make ourselves feel better about it day to day, but we can't fix it.
00:10:39
Speaker
So it's like a maladaptive coping mechanism for like a test would be like not studying to get your mind off it. Whereas this, it's like, Nothing. I don't know.
00:10:50
Speaker
I understand. But I also. It is. But I think it's not like that's what I want to clear up is like it's not fixing the problem. That's not possible. But it's like making how you feel about it, like coming to terms with how you feel about it and like being
The Role of Rest & Downtime
00:11:04
Speaker
very open about it. So like basically like going to therapy.
00:11:06
Speaker
Okay. All right. I think that's sort of it versus, like, maladaptive would be – mean, maladaptive is, like, unhealthy. It would be, like, hindering your process less than avoidance. So maybe i maybe avoidance is somewhere in between, and if it works for you, I think it's adaptive.
00:11:20
Speaker
All right. know. Everything's so unique. It's lot of free up-to-interpretation. I think it is. It's all – chakra um yeah I just thought that was interesting it made me think a little bit about my own coping things and what I do in some things that I think I do a combination of healthy and unhealthy what's like an example of um because even like gym you're like oh I like to go to the gym so I feel like energized like that is I think adaptive but i think if you're starting to over index on it it can be unhealthy yeah like exactly so i'm just saying that because i haven't been in like three weeks yeah no i haven't either so i don't even know if i can say i use the gym as an exercise um i was home recently and i think i had a lot of like open conversations and that was helpful like i really got to like talk and check in with mom and dad and that's really helpful for me sometimes
00:12:14
Speaker
um sometimes it's not but I found it to be helpful then um I think distractions are helpful for me so maybe and it depends how you look at that I think that's a positive thing but like I'm very booked up since I've been back in the city and I think if I had more down time I'd probably feel a little more so maybe it's an avoidance thing I don't know but I'd say like Yeah, like constantly making plans or being busy and not really allowing myself the downtime. That could be a little bit of an unhealthy one if it's consistent because I don't have enough energy. That's been the one that's like dinging me the most.
00:12:49
Speaker
I think that's what comes to light for me too. yeah Like i don't remember I was saying this last time, but I finally, after years of not thinking that, it was worth my time, which was wrong. um finally found like a actual good ah therapist who think is amazing and but her whole thing with me is she was like i have to try to generally when people are like depressed or going through a hard time like i have to coach them through like all right we'll make this plan see if you can go out one day see and she was like for you i need you to like not make a plan like calm down and i was like when you say a week do you mean three days or like what she's like you're avoiding you're running yourself ragged like not stuff that no one's told before but yes but it's interesting she's like your body needs to rest and i'm like i know but
00:13:28
Speaker
If I'm sitting resting, like, then I'm just thinking about something I don't want to think about. And that doesn't feel fun to me. But at the same time, like. There's also ways to rest and still, like, not just sit there ruminating. Well, I think that's what I'm learning.
00:13:40
Speaker
Yes. So what are what are you thinking of? Not to put you on the spot. No, I've literally. on the spot. No, I've literally been trying to, like, not make plans. It's not even that. Or, like, turn down plans.
00:13:51
Speaker
Like, just saying. Hard to say no. It's very very hard Or even just, like, the other week, like, a couple of my closest friends were going uptown to, like, see one of our other friends' apartments. Like, I really wanted to go, but I was, like, I just feel like I need to take the night off and, like, practice not doing everything that I want to do to, like, take time for myself to, like, see if I can sort of have restorative time.
00:14:14
Speaker
So not even, like, then that didn't mean. Restorative. i like that a lot. So then that didn't mean that I was, like, going to come home and get on my computer and do work, but it didn't mean that I was going to come home maybe for a little. it did mean and I was going to come home, like, sit down, on the TV, maybe get, like, two things done just so I feel productive, and then be like, okay, you can, like, sit and relax. And do nothing. Yeah.
00:14:33
Speaker
And whether that's watch TV or. But it doesn't mean go to sleep. No. Because that was other thing. No, that's a big avoidance. Yeah, exactly. And just sitting and, like, beeing. It's not sleep or go, go, go.
00:14:44
Speaker
Because sleep is unconscious, whatever. Right? Yeah. I mean, yeah, that is helpful, but I think it's, like, Literally just downtime. Like to me, I was like, okay, you're either awake and you're doing a million things or you're asleep.
00:14:55
Speaker
And like that was it. Yeah. Apparently there's an industry that I've now just figured out. Well, I think that that will be really exciting for you to explore because it's a really fun thing, downtime. To say no to people? No, just downtime. I don't like saying no. I'm saying downtime.
00:15:09
Speaker
I was like, can I go for like an hour and not
Creative Coping Strategies
00:15:11
Speaker
for four hours? I was like, no. So was it how'd you feel though doing that? Turning it down? Good. I didn't feel good turning it down. I definitely had FOMO. I like,
00:15:20
Speaker
wish that I had been out there. It sounded like a great night, but I felt really good the next day being like, okay, I did something for me and I took my time to like, not like I didn't, like I said no without having to have an excuse.
00:15:31
Speaker
And I always feel like I need an excuse. Yes. So you just said like, no, I can't tonight. Yeah. Great. I actually probably did. But i I literally. Why is it so hard to just be like, nah, don't want to. I don't know.
00:15:42
Speaker
I have a couple friends, though, that are really good at that, and I admire them so need to be better at it. So. But how you just, like, talk? It's kind of wired. kind of wired. Because I'm thinking of, like, two of my close friends in particular. are just like that.
00:15:55
Speaker
And they are just, have always been like that. Yeah. One of them that I'm thinking of um came up with the term Jomo, which is joy of missing out. Yes, I've heard that. Maybe she didn't come up with it, but i I'll ah all credit her forever from it because she's the queen of it. And, like, she's explaining to me once because I was like I don't get it. Like, I have so much FOMO. And she's like, really? Like, sometimes when I think about myself just, like, putting on a face mask, slipping into bed and, like, nice PJs and, like, maybe baking something or, like, not even just, like, sitting and, like, existing and, like, yeah putting on a show where just, like,
00:16:25
Speaker
relaxing, a candle lit, like clean, I do not care what other people are doing. I was like, that is amazing. That makes sense to me. but It does. yeah It's easier said than done. When in the moment relaxing, like sure, I'm like, wow, I don't want to be anywhere else.
00:16:38
Speaker
But to get to the point of saying no with like that goal in mind, like that's so hard. So when you were relaxing, you weren't feeling this FOMO in the moment? No, not really. I feel like that's kind of impressive.
00:16:49
Speaker
Yeah. I definitely have FOMO in the moment still. It's getting better. But not enough for me to be like, wow, I really made the wrong decision. I was like, no, I think that this was correct, even if I'm annoyed at it.
00:17:01
Speaker
Oh, okay, that's
00:17:04
Speaker
fair.
00:17:07
Speaker
I'm trying to think, like, what other stuff. mean, we talked about just wide coping mechanisms before, and none of these really fall in that category, but we had talked about, like, drinking. Well, that does in, like, the maladaptive one. who Sure. and It's, like, pretty a standard one, I think. Okay, okay.
00:17:23
Speaker
But, like, I'm... I'm more thinking, like, another thing that I haven't started doing, but I'm supposed to start doing, apparently, is, do you know about bullet journaling? No. Oh, I'm surprised you don't know about that.
00:17:34
Speaker
I probably should. It's, like, you get a journal that's not, like, lined. It's, like, a grid, and you can, like, draw in it and like shade stuff and it's just to like keep track of like how you're feeling what you're doing it's supposed to be like more pointed like day to day and but then you can do pages that are like overall vision I still don't really understand what it is like I need to look I want to look bullet bullet journey and so it's great it's like graph paper yeah I'm like still in like it's not like squares it's like dot dot dot all of the things I can't even picture that piece of paper. I know. I know we just We'll Google it. I'll show you later. Next week, hopefully, I will have my journal, and I will show it on the screen. and
00:18:11
Speaker
but Is the purpose? Yeah. Probably weird. want to share my... Redact it. That's such a good word. What is that? Redact is like if you go through a document, like black out like the patient's information or something.
00:18:24
Speaker
It sounds like pterodactyl. So I like it. um Redacted. But what was going to say? Oh, um so is like the difference of this that it's like not lined so it's not really asking only for words?
00:18:37
Speaker
Yes. It's more creative? That's right. I think it's supposed to be more creative. as You're supposed to have like different colored pencils. You're supposed to. And it's just like a check-in of like every day. Like I can show you the model. I don't know. It's cool. So people could, like, draw like... I don't really get it.
00:18:49
Speaker
Like, my therapist showed it to me, and I was like, well, I'm not artistic, so mine's going look like shit.
Marathon as Coping & Personal Challenges
00:18:54
Speaker
No, but it doesn't matter. It's not like you're hanging it in the loo. That was the goal. Oh, okay. Well, you're not artistic. Get stolen.
00:19:01
Speaker
No, I mean, I think it's interesting. I think, like, it's... I think, like, any coping mechanism is worth trying once, to be honest. Same. Oh, well, we's who we're doing a big one. We're... Oh, what? Well, we said in the beginning that we were starting the podcast because our therapist told us to start running and we didn't want to.
00:19:18
Speaker
No, she said start writing things down. And didn't want to do that. No one ever suggested that we run. We put that on ourselves. Oh, well, now Emma and I have committed and I'm saying it on here so you cannot back out.
00:19:29
Speaker
um to run. Should I not? Are you goingnna back out? um No. Okay, well, if you back out. I've already told so many people and all their responses have been like, no way. So, yeah. Mom sort of had that response, too. We're going to run for National Brain Tumor Society the 2026. Yeah. Wow.
00:19:47
Speaker
um New York City Marathon. So, I guess we will start implementing running into our coping mechanisms and if we don't like it, too bad. Yeah, we have to that. Because we're locked. Everyone who I've told that we're doing that, they're like, oh, great. So, you were going walk, right?
00:19:58
Speaker
I just don't. don't. But i now I do. i I practiced the other weekend. I ran 2.6 miles, 10% there. Well, that's great. 10% more than I've done.
00:20:08
Speaker
know. Anyway, yeah, that'll be a journey. Yeah, I don't know that's a coping mechanism more than, like, ah clearly a cry for help. Yeah. signing up for a marathon. Like, I already dyed my hair red. I guess just bangs is that. You might as well get a nose ring now.
00:20:22
Speaker
I was thinking bangs. A piercing. Yeah, maybe bangs. I'll do a pier all do nose ring. Is a haircut a body mod? No. No. But neither is a piercing. No. Neither of them are. A piercing is a body mod.
00:20:34
Speaker
Like a body modification is a piercing or tattoo. That's what that means. Body mod? I think. i don't know. that I see it on Snapchat. They're like cool body mods. Is that not? Probably like tattoo piercing. Like gauges.
00:20:45
Speaker
Yeah. Okay. Well, anyway. um Not doing that yet, but like who knows. but Yeah, we'll see. Yeah. I wish I could dye my hair. to have New York City marathon tattooed on my forehead. Well, you can't do a tattoo dad with Haythad. He's not tattoo fan.
00:21:01
Speaker
So, yeah, that'll be an experience. Can't wait. Big coping mechanism. I think just, like, training and, like, being part of the team, too, was what was appealing to me. Same. It certainly wasn't running 26, 22 miles. so No, no. It's also the idea that it's a challenge and out of our comfort
Prioritizing Well-being & Personal Peace
00:21:15
Speaker
zone. And it's, I don't know, for me also a little bit of, like, the um structure, I want to say, and, like, discipline that the training will be.
00:21:26
Speaker
elicit in me is important because I don't have that right now. Yeah, and I think it's the same sort of thing of like, okay, I can't go out. I have to run 10 miles tomorrow morning. Yeah. Like, that's also, it's all sort of, I can't go out and forget it. Choosing to do stuff that is like more egotistical and better for me I think than what I think has been putting yourself first I guess yes saying no to plans and protecting your peace no but that's it's protecting your peace and like think of it is like with my friends yes in yes but think about what we spoke about that's hilarious think about what we spoke about when we were like my energy level that I can give to people is lower recently
00:22:02
Speaker
yeah Remember hold that whole conversation? Like that, when you take it into account, you're still making time for your friends. It just might, it's at a lower level because your energy is less and you need more time to recharge. There's nothing wrong with that. And then I'll be better when I'm.
00:22:15
Speaker
Exactly. Yeah, it's like conservation Yes, and it's better to do that and be 100 or whatever percentage, 85 plus yourself. I don't know what you want. i mean, I get it. it i don't I get it. It's just harder.
00:22:25
Speaker
It's easier said than done. all For sure. oh my God. If it was easier said than – if it was easier done than said, we would have nothing to talk about and we'd just be out there doing it all. Mic drop. Mic drop.
00:22:36
Speaker
um Well, I think just to wrap it up, the biggest coping mechanism or the biggest source of coping that – Oh, yeah. Yeah, that we've had recently – is um I'm going to get her. Yeah, go get her.
00:22:50
Speaker
We double mic. oh
00:22:56
Speaker
You ripped out the mic. You ripped the mic. Okay, just go. Just get her. Remember we can't edit this? Go.
00:23:04
Speaker
Okay. Emotional support dog.
00:23:10
Speaker
Long drum roll. Just bring her for, yeah.
00:23:15
Speaker
Okay. This is Mushu. What have you said? Hi Mushu. No, her, not you. What?
00:23:24
Speaker
Mushu is a mini Bernaduble. She is become an emotional source of support. well We actually just got a dog. I'm sort of like milking the emo support thing. However, it was greatly suggested to us for the times when I'm in Boston and Will's home by himself.
00:23:38
Speaker
um or just for, you know, like, having a little pal in general. And she's been amazing, and we just got to get her body strained, and then everything will be great. She's seriously the cutest thing ever.
00:23:49
Speaker
yeah we love her. Oh, she just has gas. We can't edit this. It's fine. I didn't say that. editor is, like, on tour. Yeah, so this is actually a no-cut episode, but I just had to acknowledge because it smells a little bad.
00:24:01
Speaker
I don't know. I just would assume it was you. She's perfect. She's perfect. You're perfect. So we're perfect. No, we can't. Perfect together. No edits. No singing. No scouting.
00:24:13
Speaker
All right. Goodbye, Moosh. That's all. Happy coping. Bye.