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Ep. 26: On Becoming a Parent to Your Own Sister - with Taylor James
112 Plays4 years ago
What happens when the unthinkable happens, and you suddenly have to become the 'parent' to your own sibling?
This is what happened to Taylor James, who was just 25 when his mum suffered terrible brain injury following a routine operation. On the day his sister started her GCSEs Taylor was faced with needing to tell her their mum might not live, and subsequently making the decision to turn off her life-support machine.
Miraculously, she survived, and Taylor tells the emotional story of how he went from child to parent overnight, not just to his sister, but to his mum, who know needs full-time neurological care.
This is a young guy who had to navigate not only the world of care homes, but also the drama of his sister's prom - he says he's now dreading her wedding day!
But through all this, Taylor's strength and wisdom shines through, and he describes how facing the unimaginable has made him realise that there's nothing to be scared of in life; that whatever is going to happen will happen, in spite of our efforts to control it, but that we have what it takes to navigate it, whatever it is.
Have a listen to his words of advice to anyone facing a difficult period in their lives, and then go and connect with him; because - as he says - having a good waffle is the biggest coping mechanism there is. And it's free!
Where to find Taylor
More teenage parenting tips:
There are lots more episodes of the Teenage Kicks podcast. You can email me on [email protected]. I’ve also got some posts on the blog that might help parents with other teenage parenting dilemmas, so do pop over to Actually Mummy if you fancy a read.
Thank you so much for listening! Subscribe now to the Teenage Kicks podcast to hear all my new episodes. I'll be talking to some fabulous guests about difficult things that happened to them as teenagers - including losing a parent, becoming a young carer, and being hospitalised with mental health problems - and how they overcame things to move on with their lives.
You can also find more from me on parenting teenagers on Instagram and Twitter @iamhelenwills.
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Please note that I am not a medical expert, and nothing in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about a teenager, please seek support from a medical professional.
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Transcript
Introduction and Taylor's Background
00:00:05
Speaker
Kids podcast where we take the fear out of parenting or becoming a teenager. I'm Helen Wills and every week I talk to someone who's been through something difficult in their teenage years but who came out the other side in a great place and has made a good success of their life.
00:00:24
Speaker
Now we've talked before about children who become carers for their parents. We talked in Danielle's episode which I'll link about how she had to care for her mother as a teenager. Today we're going one step further with Taylor. Taylor and his younger sister had to step in when their mum almost died and was left needing full-time neurological care.
00:00:48
Speaker
Taylor James is a mental health advocate and has his own very successful podcast, The Waffle Shop. So Taylor, it's so nice to have you here. Your story is going to be quite an epic one, I think. Welcome to the podcast. Thank you for having me. It's an absolute pleasure.
00:01:07
Speaker
I'm a fan so I'm very grateful to have this conversation. Oh no, it's so lovely to have you. I'm always in awe of people who are willing to open up and share.
00:01:19
Speaker
deeply difficult and emotional and sometimes terribly traumatic stories about what's gone on in young young lives and yet I'm super inspired by every single one of my guests because all of them have come through something so difficult at a young age when we as parents imagine our kids would be destroyed
00:01:41
Speaker
because we worry so much and all of them have come through it the other side and sorted things out for themselves and recovered or are recovering and have more than that just have so much insight to offer to people. I think your story when we get to it is going to inspire a lot of people because I imagine the reserves of strength you needed to dig into were really deep.
Generational Differences in Politics
00:02:06
Speaker
Yeah, I think it's really courageous as well, like touching on what you just said, I actually find it really intimidating. But the younger generation, like, honestly, really scared me, like, I look at my sister sometimes and think, where has this kind of humility come from? Where has this power? Like, I'm, I'm excited to see where what the future holds for the younger generation, as much as it's quite scary. I just think that they're able for anything.
00:02:36
Speaker
That's so interesting that you say that because you're, how much older are you than your sister? So there's an 11 year gap between me and my sister. So my sister's 19 and yet I'm 30. Right. Just turned, yeah, 13 lockdown.
00:02:51
Speaker
But yeah, I even went, you know, throughout lockdown, even before lockdown, when all of the Black Lives Matter and all that, and my sister was so heavily involved, like using her voice, like, this isn't right. And I was just like, wow. Like that is, I mean, I think even at that age, I was like, I wasn't interested in politics. I wasn't interested in anything other than probably still Pokemon cards during that age back then. But,
00:03:17
Speaker
I just think she's actually using and spending her time trying to make a change and successfully making a change. It blows me away.
00:03:27
Speaker
Oh, do you know what? Same. I say this all the time. I'm so excited for our future with that generation. Although, listen to you say that now, I'm quite surprised, all right, 11 years, it's a big difference. It's same as me and my brother actually, he's 11 years older. It is a big difference, but you wouldn't expect it to be that big, that what on earth has caused such a seismic change? Or are you just different? Is everyone your age really into politics and you're just not? Oh God, wow.
00:03:57
Speaker
I think so. I just feel like my friends were not as heavily involved in current affairs or anything. We wouldn't sit around and speak about the election or anything like that. No, and they do, don't they? My daughters just turned 16 and they do. They've been talking about Trump and Biden.
00:04:15
Speaker
In fact, Kamala Harris was first introduced by my daughter, not the news. It's exactly the same situation as that. I remember a few years back we were at a family barbecue and we have family ever in California and they came over for, I think it was my auntie's birthday,
00:04:36
Speaker
And they made the mistake of saying that they were Trump supporters. So obviously, everyone's entitled to support whoever they want. But honestly, my little sister and my little cousin went in, was like, how can you agree with someone who has this policy, this policy, who has stood for this? And I was like, just sat there with my beer at this quiet family barbecue, just slowly.
00:04:59
Speaker
slowly getting drunk at the back of the room. I don't know what to say here. Did you not feel the need to step in at any point? Because I find myself round the dinner table, it's usually my daughter arguing against my husband.
00:05:14
Speaker
And I find myself trying to be the moderator and keep everybody's temper in the right place so that the thing doesn't get out of hand. Oh no, I love a good debate. I love watching it all kick off and just sitting back and just like, if it gets a little bit too airy, then obviously I'll jump in. But no, I think it's just incredible just watching her having that much kind of passion and her thoughts and kind of
00:05:40
Speaker
of yeah just the thoughts of that kind of strong on certain topics it's yeah yeah it's very intimidating yeah we'll come back to it i think because i'm fascinated by the relationship that you have with your sister and it's almost a parental one and yet you've got the advantage of not being her parent whereas
00:06:02
Speaker
I can listen to my teenagers and there's always an element of me trying to make sure they're polite, they're not rude. I'm always thinking about the teaching moment. In fact, my daughter would say this, mum, not everything is an opportunity for a lecture. She means teaching moment. I'm doing everything here. But that's what I'm always thinking of. And I guess you don't necessarily have that. So that must be quite a unique position to be in.
00:06:31
Speaker
It's definitely a battle that sometimes I have to really remind myself of my kind of role in the family home. But then there's times when I have no choice but to kind of step up and be like, that's wrong. I don't agree with this. You're grounded. But I'm never grounded. She wouldn't let me to. I forgot to say. But yeah, there's, there's, it's,
00:06:58
Speaker
it's a very unique, it's probably not a unique situation but it's probably a really awkward one to explain.
Taylor's Upbringing and Family Dynamics
00:07:05
Speaker
Well let's try shall we? Taylor can you just take us back to before your mum was ill and before this terrible thing happened to you all and just tell us about your family and how things were for you growing up and how you got to the point as a family where your mum had to go for an operation which
00:07:27
Speaker
which ends its way life was at the time for you. Yeah, exactly. Just take a touch. I think, you know, I had the kind of normal childhood really, like I didn't ever want for anything. I, you know, we had the family holidays. There was, you know, there was times, there was always ups and downs as in every kind of family environment.
00:07:53
Speaker
but because my mum and dad, and this is just purely my opinion, I could be completely wrong and they may disagree with me, but because my mum and dad were fairly young when they had me, my mum was only 21 when she had me, so they were still kind of learning the ropes when I was born and I was growing up, so there was a lot of kind of like parties, my mum and dad are very sociable people, they're very popular people,
00:08:20
Speaker
So it just started to escalate and I don't really know where my moral compass came into it. But then it was very much, okay I don't agree with some of the stuff that I'm seeing or that I'm around and you know it got very toxic at one stage and it got to a point where
00:08:41
Speaker
I was actually pushing for my mum and dad to get divorced and I think even it's probably quite rare that a child would say that about their parents but I grew up seeing things that I probably shouldn't have seen but then when my sister came along
00:09:00
Speaker
it was like this automatic protection, like she's not growing up with the same environment that I did. It wasn't, it sounds probably very bad, but it was just, it was normal for me. You know, there was a lot of kind of drinks involved, like drugs, and you know, it sounds, the way I describe it, it's like one of those films that you see like Danny Dyer in, like back in the day, you know, like it's very kind of,
00:09:27
Speaker
that kind of vibe without the guns or anything. I'm not selling this very well at all. A party house. Yeah. And you know, but we were very well looked after, you know, we're very well educated. We had the best of everything. We were very fortunate
00:09:50
Speaker
Um, but yeah, when it started to get toxic and you know, I was growing up and my sister was around and I probably should mention, like I have a younger brother as well, who. He kind of had the attention of mom and dad because he played football and my dad ran the football team. So every weekend and stuff like that was his basically all the attention was on here. So because I didn't play football or I'm still to this day, I can't stand football.
00:10:21
Speaker
when my sister was born, it was like, oh, okay, well, it's just too, like, I've got someone to kind of like, you know, grow up with, like, look after. But yeah, so when it did start to break down, he got very messy, and they split up. And I kind of took the brunt of it all from like, my mom, my dad, and then my dad's family. But then
00:10:50
Speaker
I kind of pushed myself into this role of being the man of the house. I was earning at the time, I think I was six, just turned 16, so I just got my first job. So instead of carrying on with my education, obviously I started working and I was providing for the family home. So you were earning, you were the man of the house. Yeah, so I was the man of the house, I was providing for the family home and then my
00:11:20
Speaker
it just became me, my mum and my sister. My brother went off with my dad, he adapted that kind of attitude of like, you know, living for the weekend. Whereas for me, it was just like, I live for experiences. I lived, you know, to enjoy myself, you know, like the holidays, the nice things. So we were very, very different, even though we brought up in exactly the same household, we're very, very, we're like polar opposites.
00:11:46
Speaker
Right, so you and your sister stayed with your mum and your brother and your dad. Yeah. Right. And then that in itself caused a lot of friction because my mum was still kind of fighting for my brother and then my dad was so he was kind of stuck in the middle. However,
00:12:04
Speaker
because they were so young, I think they were trying to score like brownie points against each other. But then even me being the oldest, I was like, oh, okay, well, no one's kind of fighting for me here. Like I'm still here. Yeah, yeah. And you do still, when you've got younger children, you think of a 16 year old as being, well, you know, they're growing up, that's that job done, but they'll need you more than ever, much as they might not want to tell you that they do. You do still need the support of your family when you're 16.
00:12:32
Speaker
Oh, definitely. And it's something that I've never felt that I had. And it's quite easy for me to say that now because I've worked on that particular part of, you know, my life through therapy, through talking about, you know, opportunities like this.
00:12:51
Speaker
But yeah, so it got to a stage when me and my mum and my sister became such a unit that we were so well looked after. We had the best of everything. It was tough. My mum was a single mum, but we were still
00:13:07
Speaker
Very close like we were all like best friends. It was like living with your best friends. I had its ups and downs but when we got on we got on great. And then yeah, it kind of all took a very nasty turn.
00:13:23
Speaker
Yeah. Three years ago. So tell us what happened to
Mother's Medical Crisis and Recovery
00:13:27
Speaker
your mum? Why did she, she had an operation didn't she? Why did she need to do that? Yeah so she had a slipped disc so it was very kind of generic easy, not easy but like common issue. Very straightforward. Yeah um but she was in a lot of pain like a lot of pain like because she worked in a school she was always like running around she was you know never sitting still
00:13:51
Speaker
So yeah, she had it operated on. What we thought the operation went okay, she left hospital, she came home. But after a few days, she started to deteriorate and like, she was losing consciousness. She was saying things that weren't really making sense. I was having to like carry it to the toilet and stuff. And I was like, this isn't right.
00:14:13
Speaker
But because of the medication that she was on, I thought she was overdosing on her medication. So I managed to get it to a stage. I was like, okay, well, we're going to manage it from this point. I'm going to give you your medication at certain times. But what was actually happening was where either they hadn't done something properly or that that's, that's a whole different kind of story.
00:14:40
Speaker
but the spinal fluid was actually leaking and collecting around the bottom of her spine. So I got her to hospital and the doctors had said, like, oh, it's okay. Like, we're going to, we're going to drain the fluids. You know, it's, you know, it's very standard. I was like, okay, perfect. So one was still talking. One was still like, oh, you know, it's fine. Go home.
00:15:03
Speaker
Because what was actually happening, my sister started her GCSEs the day it happened. The day of her operation.
00:15:13
Speaker
Oh no, so the operation happened, but the day I got her into hospital, I got her into the hospital the night before, so I left the hospital around midnight, I think it was. I came home, got the general up in the morning, packed for a lunch, I was like, you know, good, best of luck onto your exams. And literally, I don't even think I'd close the door and I got a phone call to say, like, you need to come to the hospital, we need to make a decision in regards to your mum's brain.
00:15:38
Speaker
I was like no her back like no Taylor her brain and then when I got there it was it was like I just walked onto the set of casualty it was just surgeon after surgeon after surgeon like in these tiny little rooms saying you know the the spinal fluid is traveled up and caused the blockage which has stopped the brain of oxygen
00:16:02
Speaker
you know, they were saying words like brain damage, brain dead, no life support, like weird, you know, there's no response, you know, the chance of her surviving is very little. And just being in that environment, like I still get very on edge when I'm talking about even now, like when I have to go to hospital, walking down like there's long corridors and stuff like I get very,
00:16:32
Speaker
Panicky, and it's something that i'm still dealing with now. Like I didn't I completely underestimated Trauma and the effect long term that you can have on you Yeah So yeah, we had felt so Shocking in the moment. It was like it was a dream not a dream It was more like a bloody nightmare, but it was very much like what are they saying? what are they saying to me and it's like because
00:17:01
Speaker
The person next to me, obviously, my nan was there. My man was obviously in bits. That was her oldest daughter. She didn't know what to do. I had no one to turn to. I didn't know what to believe. I didn't know.
00:17:16
Speaker
you know, where to turn. So I went and hid in a cupboard in the hospital for about an hour until Mike, my auntie got there. And cause me and my auntie are very close. And when she got there, it was like, that's when I started to process what was happening. So this was all going on. And obviously my sister was still at school. She didn't have a clue about anything. Oh my goodness. So you had to come home and tell your sister.
00:17:46
Speaker
yeah we'll get to it go on carry on yeah you came out of the cupboard i came out of the cupboard um and then yeah i i was just a mess i was like this is what they're saying like this is what they're saying about my mom and then they explained everything and then they took her to intensive care and then
00:18:08
Speaker
even just being in intensive care like you know it's bad like you hear that word and you just think you know people don't come out of this and then they're asking me questions because I'm my mum's next of kin they're like in this scenario we advise you know this might happen this will happen so I was like
00:18:27
Speaker
these kind of questions like as much as you have you kind of say it in a joking way even though it's quite sick when you think about like oh if i'm ever in that situation please turn the life support machine off like you know you say we say it as humans yeah then all of a sudden i was in that situation and i was like will my mom want to live like this will my mom and it was just like everywhere i turned
00:18:52
Speaker
I can, it sounds really weird, but I went to the toilet and I spoke to the mirror. I sat and spoke to myself like, what would you do? Like what should we do here? Did you have anyone to talk? You say your aunt was there. Did you have anyone? So I think everyone was just in pure shock, like
00:19:14
Speaker
I think it was my auntie that really made me process and listen to what I was saying because even though it was happening to my mum, the doctors and everyone were talking to me as if I was a child, but because mine and my mum's relationship is very different, we're on par with each other almost from a parental kind of role.
00:19:38
Speaker
they were talking to me as if I was a kid. So even that was so frustrating trying to get my point across because, you know, I'm not a kid. I had to grow very fast. I, you know, I know what I'm doing. And then, yeah, I finally got my point across and were like, okay, she's on life support machine now. We're just going to go with it and see what happens. We're going to support her. Then came the task of going home and telling
00:20:07
Speaker
Gemma, what had happened? And still to this day, this is, I still have kind of nightmares of that because I couldn't talk. I couldn't, it was the first time I was actually saying it out loud to someone who didn't know what had happened. And seeing my sister's face gets me every time.
00:20:36
Speaker
And I just said, like, I don't think Mum is going to make it. And she kind of just looked at me and said, like, she's going nowhere. She's going nowhere. And at the time, I just thought, OK, like, give her a hug. And we just cried. And it was just like, OK, she's going to be fine. But in the back of my head, I was like, this is not looking good.
00:21:01
Speaker
this one thing I've learned is that you should never ever one argue with a woman, disagree with a woman, or underestimate a woman because believe me like we got to a stage it was halfway through my sister's exams and they came to me and said we're going to turn the life support machine off like there is no more that we can do and I remember being in this little corridor like practically begging this doctor I was like please just keep on until after my sister's exams because
00:21:31
Speaker
When my mum and dad got divorced, it happened around the time with that of my GCSEs and it had such an impact on my life choices. Next, I didn't want history to repeat itself with my little sister and for her.
00:21:47
Speaker
to not have that same go through that same kind of regret of leaving education and not quite doing as well as I could have. I get that and that's a really mature insight because you know all right you're in your 20s but that's still really young to be having to deal with such big life decisions.
00:22:08
Speaker
Even now, I look back, because I know for a fact I haven't processed at all. I know I haven't. It's still incredibly raw, even though it happened three years ago. But having these kinds of conversations, I can't tell you how therapeutic and how proud I am.
00:22:27
Speaker
to look back at those like pivotal moments because by me, this sounds very big headed and I don't mean for it to sound big headed at all, but by me saying that to that surgeon at that time, not only got my sister through her GCSEs, by the time her GCSEs finished and they turned that life support machine off, she started breathing by herself. Now, I don't know if at that time
00:22:58
Speaker
If we turned it off, she would have made it, but like having that extra week, like she start, I don't know. Yeah. It scares me, but this is why I'm kind of in that frame of mind where everything quite clearly happens for a reason. Um,
00:23:21
Speaker
And then, yeah, she started breathing by herself and then she got moved to her ward, which was still very scary. Like we were spending like 12 hours a day like by her bedside, just like squeeze my hand, squeeze my hand, like, you know, just give me a sign. Like sometimes like to no response. So that in itself, it was just soul destroying, trying to just keep
00:23:47
Speaker
kind of sane in a way, but then you kind of go into this state of, I don't want to say madness, I think that probably sounds a little bit too strong, but a state of, oh, something just moved, something just moved, she's heard me. Whereas a lot of the time I don't think it was actually happening, but it was just us kind of being hopeful in a way.
00:24:12
Speaker
I think most of us are, for all that we can be labelled as pessimists and feel like we might be a pessimist, I think most of us are eternally optimistic until all hope is taken away and I do think that that is a massive positive of the human race, basically, because it's what keeps us hanging on until, as you say,
00:24:36
Speaker
those moments when things do eventually get better and that's the message of this podcast every single time.
00:24:45
Speaker
And every one of my guests says it, and I know already I think what you're going to say at the end of this interview, you just hang on and wait and trust and it will come and you will find a better place than the one you're in. And I also think you're so right about the fact that severe trauma like this, as it was,
00:25:11
Speaker
you do not process at the time and I'm learning that again with every episode you don't you don't process this at the time you cope with it at the time and you process it many many years later after it's affected you potentially in lots of ways and so the sooner we can get people to talk about
00:25:30
Speaker
Hang on, what is this actually doing to me? What's happening here is so much to the better. Irrespective of the fact that, and I do think you should blow your own trumpet because all of these things are, I'm a big believer in blowing your own trumpet. To make that decision, I think you're right, was probably life-changing for your sister or could have been ultimately life-changing for your sister. And who knows about your mum?
00:25:57
Speaker
Exactly and it's something that I do look back and sometimes when I'm having those like real bad days I do look at moments like that where I am really doubting myself and like
00:26:08
Speaker
Do you know what? If you got through that part of your life where you didn't think you were going to have a mom, you didn't know what was going to happen. Like you got through that. Like no one else did that for you. Like you did that by yourself. So you can decide what to have for dinner Taylor. Isn't that sometimes the hardest decision though? Honestly, sometimes I think that is slightly more traumatic than nearly losing my mom. The amount of arguments that causes between me and my sister
00:26:38
Speaker
I know that one. Or with a family for what to watch on movie night. I can't stand that debate. Good to keep it in perspective. You too can get past this. You can do anything if you believe.
00:27:02
Speaker
Yeah, I want to talk about how your relationship with your sister then changed, but I feel like we need to know what happened to your mum after that period of time in hospital. How long did it take for her to show any signs of responding?
00:27:18
Speaker
I think it was a good two, two and a half months, I think it was. And I think the reason, no, yeah, it happened in May. She didn't start responding until around it was my sister's prom, which I think was the end of July. It's normally prom time, I think. Yeah, that's right. So that was when she first started showing signs of like movement, her eyes were responding.
00:27:42
Speaker
But there was an added element of fear because we didn't know the amount of damage, the amount of, you know, if she's even going to talk, if she's going to know who we are. And it's something that my sister really struggled with, thinking she's not going to know who I am. She's not going to remember me. But what
00:28:03
Speaker
The signs that we were seeing, the only voice that she seemed to be responding to was mine, which didn't help the fact that when other people were talking to her, they're like, no, there's no signs of anything there. There's no signs of it. I was like, okay, I don't want to be that, but trust me. Yeah. That's when I think my belief kicked in a little bit. It was like, watch this.
00:28:26
Speaker
And when I was saying like, mum, squeeze my hand, squeeze my hand, like look up, look to the side, look towards the door, look to me, they started to see it. So that's when I literally had to take the extra time off work to help rehabilitate in a way.
00:28:45
Speaker
like my mum gets to a certain stage. And then I think, yeah, she showed signs of movement in July. She didn't speak or say a word until the October, early October of the same year. So I mean, it's a long, long process. And it's still to this day, it's
00:29:06
Speaker
It baffles me sometimes. But you can't rush things. And it's the same with any kind of aspect of life. You can't rush things. You're going to have to trust the process. Because believe me, from where we were in May, thinking I was going to lose my mom to even that year, to be in October, to being able to
00:29:25
Speaker
communicate and you know that one time we were using like an alphabet chart was which was just infuriating because she was like does the letter begin does the word begin with this is it on this row is on this row but like you see and you think gosh does that really happen that's how it's done exactly yeah and it was the hours that went into it but you know what looking back now as much as it was frustrating and you know heartbreaking
00:29:54
Speaker
I wouldn't change it for the world because some of those things that my mum communicated without using, without using her voice, just I've still got like a, I've got a picture on my phone. And I was just, because I was in a real dark place, I was just like, I just need to know, am I doing okay? Like, am I doing all right? I just need to, I need something. Yeah. Because I felt like I had
00:30:19
Speaker
everyone against me saying you need to do this you need to do this and I was like no like I know what I'm doing kind of thing and she spout out doing amazing and I was just like that was it that was the Africa it was that point I realized like you know what this is me and my mum and my sister I don't care what doctors are saying I don't care what my family is saying it's the three of us she thinks I'm doing amazing so
00:30:44
Speaker
You're making me cry now. I wasn't expecting to be this emotional. Like I've spoke about this quite a lot and I don't know. But I don't think I've actually ever told anyone that. But yeah, I've got a phone on my phone.
00:30:57
Speaker
And she said, she told me I was doing amazing to them. Now it's just like, it was the confidence boost that I needed. And it was the kick to be like, okay, bring it on now. Like, I'm ready for it. Like, so. Yeah. Well, you do need feedback, don't you? And actually that's a really good thing to remember for our teenagers. They do need feedback sometimes. Oh yeah. Definitely. From the people around them. Whether it's good or bad. Yeah. Well, just to say that, you know, this is normal and you're okay and it's okay. Keep going.
00:31:24
Speaker
But I think that's amazing. You need to, Taylor, you need to upload that phone to every device you've got and the cloud and lock it down so you don't want to ever lose that image. No, no, it's, yeah, it's, oh, I've never, yeah, I've never told anyone that. Well, thank you for telling, for telling us. I think, yeah, that's, that is amazing. And I can see why it would make you emotional because it makes me emotional and it must have been. I was not expected to be this emotional on this.
00:31:56
Speaker
Excuse me, things hit you at strange moments don't they when you've been through something traumatic and you do because life goes on every day despite everything else that is going on and while you're telling me about how much time you had to take off work I'm thinking God you must have been having to apply for
00:32:18
Speaker
universal credit or you know there's always so much after the crap that comes along. You know what it was the one thing I was so grateful of is the fact that my work were incredible from the get-go like they you know I kept my career like they've been phenomenal with me
00:32:36
Speaker
But it is the finance side of things because I had to take control over my mum's finances, but you can't do that without power of attorney. Why would you have had that at that age? And I was just like, what the hell does this mean? I was like some wizardry award or something. I don't know what any of this is.
00:32:55
Speaker
Exactly. A massive, massive steep learning curve at a time when all you really could can focus on is your mum and your sister and getting your family, making sure your family's okay. It's horrific what happens in times of trauma. So
00:33:11
Speaker
Your mum, then how long before she was able to come out of hospital and tell us where she is and how and how life is now. So she was in, so she left hospital and went to the rehabilitation unit. She was there for just over a year and they taught her kind of the basics again, like types like brush her hair and, you know, communicate and stuff. But now she's in a neurological care home.
00:33:38
Speaker
where they look after her so well. We get to speak to her two, three times a day on FaceTime. She's genuinely happy. I know it's not quite what she imagined her life to be, but sometimes I have to remind her that it could have been worse. You might not be here. And again, it got to that stage where I managed to get my mom to my sister's 18th birthday.
00:34:09
Speaker
And again, that was probably one of the proudest moments of my life. So just like, like two years ago, we didn't think any of this was possible. And have to kind of, as much as you said, it was important for like feedback from like a child.
00:34:23
Speaker
to like, for a child from their parents, I find myself often giving my feedback like that to my mum saying like, you know, but when she's having those dark days, and she's like, you know, I don't, you know, I'm not happy, I'm not this beside, but look what you've achieved. Like you have fought death like four or five times, like you had COVID.
00:34:44
Speaker
and you fought it like you know she's she has struggles with her respiratory system so even this year i was like this is it like she's not going to survive this and she did it again yeah christmas last year she had aspirated pneumonia and again like there was no signs like she went into like she's it wasn't a coma but there was no signs of anything and she she pulled through it like i
00:35:09
Speaker
she as much as she amazes me she is my biggest inspiration and then when I look at my little sister she's she's a force to be reckoned with like she's got kind of my
00:35:22
Speaker
humility but she's got my mum's fight and drive and I'm so proud of that because she's going to go on and do great things. Yeah, actually just listening to you talk about it, it must be a strange kind of pivoting position to be in that your kind of carer guardian, I was going to say almost parent to your sister, your carer guardian guidance to
00:35:49
Speaker
two different generations to your sister who is not your child but who you have to parent and your mum as an older generation and actually both of them sound like they're complete fighters. Oh literally they are my biggest honestly inspiration like when people say to me like oh you know how have you done it how have you done it literally I just stand back and be like
00:36:13
Speaker
I had a reason to fight. My mum had a reason to fight with her children. I have a reason to get up in the morning because I have to support my little sister. Now tables are turning, I don't have to provide that much support because now I'm concentrating on the stuff that I've missed out on for the past three years. She's supporting me. She's my biggest fan. I'm her biggest fan.
00:36:38
Speaker
I'm so lucky. I just love it. I'm thinking, how can I make that happen in my family? They're so lovely. It's come from a chair.
00:36:50
Speaker
from a negative place and such a negative situation that don't get me wrong, like, you know, we struggle. Like it's not, you know, it's not a happy ending. We do really struggle. There's been some real down downsides. This year I was in a real dark place that and I hope to God I'm never in again. Like I was just exhausted, but I had to hit the bottom to bounce back and to get to this point where I'm like, no, like,
00:37:20
Speaker
we've done this we've absolutely smashed it and I think as humans and even doesn't matter what generation or what age you are no one gives themselves enough credit. No and this is this is what I was going to come to you talk about how you get out of bed every day because you're inspired by your sister and your mum because you have to to take care of them and you've spoken about how you didn't want to give yourself credit and praise for making that decision about your mum.
00:37:51
Speaker
But you know what? They have a lot to be grateful for because a lot of people would have crumbled and just handed everything over to somebody else to deal with. You are a force to be reckoned with as well quite clearly and I think you do deserve to be fully proud of everything that you've done because that is no mean feat what you've done and we've only really talked about what you've done for your mum so far.
00:38:15
Speaker
When you first contacted me to tell me your story it was because you wanted to talk about your sister and how you had effectively parented your sister through her GCSEs which you've mentioned and her prom which is a mum and daughter escapading its own right isn't it?
00:38:42
Speaker
That in itself is like post-traumatic stress. I completely underestimated the amount of money goes into it for one. The importance of the dress, the hair, nails, bag. Transport. I dread the day she gets married.
00:39:07
Speaker
But like I said, like it was, I look back at it now and as much as it was kind of, it seems very false looking back because, you know, as much as we're smiling in these photos, we're crying inside. We weren't, it wasn't a happy time at all, but now looking back, I was just like, do you know what? If you would have told us at that precise moment,
00:39:33
Speaker
that mum was going to come out of the intensive care. She was going to start showing signs. She was going to be able to talk to us. But yeah, I don't know. I get so overwhelmed with it, but yeah. But honestly, for a young bloke to take on his sister's prom when he's dealing with this situation with his mum and doesn't know what the outcome is going to be.
00:39:57
Speaker
and knows that ultimately the buck is going to stop with him, whatever happens. I think getting your sister happily to her prom is no mean feat. And then you said you managed to get your mum to your sister's birthday. Her 18th birthday and it was at that time where I don't think mum had actually left
00:40:20
Speaker
the home like as of yet so other than obviously a hospital appointment but it was the first time that mom had actually come back to our hometown since everything happened because she lives in a I don't even know what it is it's not a city but like a
00:40:37
Speaker
village maybe I don't know how to say it but so it's about like 20 30 minutes away right from where we live and so it's the first time that she actually came to Coventry and it was the first time that she was actually going to be in a social environment with her friends with the family as a whole and
00:40:57
Speaker
It was insane, just seeing her come through those doors and being able to have photos altogether, not around a hospital bed. And then she actually bought my sister her first alcoholic beverage as well, legally. I was going to say. Legally.
00:41:21
Speaker
I'm sure there was probably some before that probably wasn't, but that does. Yeah, that's the right of passage, isn't it? But yeah, and it's, you know, it's times like that, that I kind of look back on, it's like, do you know what, you never thought that was going to happen. And now you've got the memories, you've got the photos, you've got, you know, everything to go with it. And make that happen between you.
00:41:45
Speaker
tell me how your sister coped so we've talked about everything that you had to do and clearly you had to step up and take the bulk of the responsibility for your mum but how did it affect your sister in terms of and what you had to do for her do you know what it's something that is quite difficult to talk about because it's such a weird
Sister's Resilience and Academic Success
00:42:14
Speaker
relationship that we have. But still to this day, she does that thing that I do, that I bottle things up until it gets to a point where I can't, you know, it explodes. But what amazes me is even when she went through her GCSEs with all this going on, she still managed to come out with like A stars and A's. Like she did that, like no one else did that for her, like she did that.
00:42:44
Speaker
And then it got to a stage where things did start to deteriorate. And I could see things were deteriorating. Like she was struggling about, you know, the college applications, all this kind of stuff. And she got to a point where she didn't want to leave the house. She didn't want to get out of bed. And it was tough, you know, watching it because I didn't know what to do. Like I wasn't a parent. I was struggling with my own mental health. I didn't know how to fix it.
00:43:14
Speaker
But it's one thing that I'm incredibly proud of that we actually just sit, we sat for about a good two days, I think it was, just in my mum's room watching TV and we just spoke about absolutely everything. We were just like, how are you feeling about this? And, you know, there was feelings like, you know what, I'm scared like that. That's my mum.
00:43:39
Speaker
And I had to kind of take it back to like, well, Gemma, when I was in that time and I was scared, what did you tell me? She was like, I know. And I was just like, well, you need to start telling yourself that now because I wouldn't, I wouldn't have got through that time without you by my side. So now, like, you need to start believing in what you are saying to me because, you know, I don't know, it's very, it's very movie-like, but
00:44:06
Speaker
yeah we've got each other we've got a very strong bond and she's a lot tougher than what she thinks to go through that pivotal moment i think from childhood into becoming a young woman she pretty much did that by herself she did the GCSE she did the prom she did the you know the first love she did the first breakup she did all that pretty much by herself and now
00:44:34
Speaker
She is genuinely doing something that she loves, like she's got. She's just so happy. I mean, she still has her down days and there's still daily struggles. But from where we were to now, she's made those decisions to get to that point by herself. And she should be so proud of herself.
00:44:58
Speaker
So proud of herself. And it's weird you've asked that question because I don't think I've actually ever spoke about that out loud with someone else before. I think... That was the tough one. Well, you know, I'm all about asking the tough questions. I think she sounds amazing. I also think that you never actually know how amazing you can be until you're forced into a situation where you need to step up.
00:45:28
Speaker
So I think the two of you together, I think it sounds amazing that you've got such an incredible relationship that you were able to have those conversations. I think that that could have been very tough without that ability. But I think even like I said, like everything happens for a reason because me and we were such a unit from such a young age, like me and Gemma used to go to like gigs together. We went to festivals. We did so much together so that when this actually happened,
00:45:56
Speaker
I think a lot of people did expect us to crumble, but I mean, I took over the house, like it was, I took it like a Dr. Watt because I'd kind of been financially doing it without actually knowing where the finance was going. But then from a parental point of view, because I already had that incredible relationship with my sister, it just felt, it felt natural. Yeah.
00:46:22
Speaker
where it does kind of break down is where I think it's more so me, to be honest, because I forget that I am the big brother. I'm not the dad. I'm not the big brother. So I actually feel sorry for her in a way because she gets like the parental guidance, but I terrorize her so bad. So she's probably got,
00:46:51
Speaker
I've probably, it's not the best of both, I've probably the worst of both. But it works, like it works so. Yeah, it really, really sounds like it and I think, you know, I'd love to meet you both in person together, I'd love to see the Bond because it sounds like it's incredible. But just, I want to ask you,
00:47:13
Speaker
before we come towards the end of this chat and there's a couple more questions I want to ask you. I want to ask how that felt to you having to, how it feels to you when you do have to step in as a parent role? I mean I'm guessing you don't now because she's what 20? Yeah 2021 what does she do? Yeah she's 19 so she's turning 20 in April. What does she do now?
00:47:37
Speaker
So she's now training to be a teaching assistant. So she's following the footsteps of my mom. But it's more for children who need that extra bit of help. And she's got such a big heart on her. And don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy. When she was refusing to go to college and stuff like that, it got to a stage where I didn't know what to do. So I actually
00:48:05
Speaker
asked her to leave the house. I was just like, I can't have you living here. Like if you want to behave like that, go and live with dad. I can't, I can't have that. Like I've got too much going on with me at the minute. I can't have that as well. So I actually, I think kicked her out sounded a little bit harsh. I didn't kick her out. It was just like, I just, I can't handle that at the moment.
00:48:29
Speaker
yeah and she came back about two weeks later to pick up some clothes and she just looked awful and after like you're coming home you're coming home like whatever if you're not enjoying college scrap it you're not doing it don't be forcing yourself to do anything that you know and then within two weeks of her coming home and making that decision she got an apprenticeship
00:48:56
Speaker
but because of her qualifications they actually put her straight into like the higher one and now she has been there for like I think a couple of years now just over a year and she loved it she loves it it's like a dream job for her and it's again like she you have to go through those real kind of tough times and those dark moments to get to where you need to be and it's again like trust the process because as much as
00:49:25
Speaker
We were at each other's throats constantly throughout that period of time. It had to happen. Yes. Because now she's just remarkable. She really is. And she's done that. She's done that by herself. I was going to say, do you think that ultimatum was the push she needed to actually think hard about what she did want out of life and say, do you know what? Yeah. That college thing isn't for me. And I need to find the thing that is for me.
00:49:53
Speaker
And that's what I mean. I think that's where, with the question that you asked, it's kind of what would a parent tell her to do? A parent would be like, no, you stay in school. You do this. But then as a brother, it was like, you need to do what makes you happy. You need to follow your heart. You need to do whatever. You've got to find your own feet.
00:50:14
Speaker
Yeah but do you know what I'm thinking listening to you saying this though it's it it resonates with me so much as a parent because I I fully believe and frequently I parent my kids and I want them to do well in school so of course I'm shopping them to do their homework every day but I say exactly the same thing you cannot be happy in your life if you're not happy with the thing that you choose to do with it
00:50:38
Speaker
And I would much rather, we're in a very academic school and so they're always pushed to go down the doctor, lawyer, engineer rooms. And I always keep, I see myself as my role, my responsibility is to remind my kids of the things that they love.
00:50:58
Speaker
and tell them to choose those things and be strong in the face of peer pressure or academic pressure and not choose lawyer if it's not the thing that's going to make you happy. So I actually think what you did there is something that all parents
00:51:16
Speaker
will probably relate to and think, yeah, I actually could do more of that. That is important as a parent. It's not just a peer sibling brother role. It is a parent's job. So whatever it is you want to pay for. To make sure your kids are happy with their choices, not just doing the best they could do in a text. It is though, isn't it? Because I was so scared of history repeating itself,
Parental Role and Supporting Life Choices
00:51:44
Speaker
I wanted to be that voice in Gemma's ear saying, stay in school, you know, knuckle down, like it'll be worth it in a few years' time. I didn't have that voice back then when I was in this, literally this is the same kind of situation.
00:51:59
Speaker
And I didn't want Gemma making the same mistakes that I did. But again, that wall had to come down because that's her life. This isn't my life to live, it's hers. And if she wants to make that decision, she had the luxury of having the safety net with me because regardless of what decision she made, I'm going to support her. I'll do that until the day I die.
00:52:23
Speaker
but she has to make those decisions and whatever consequences that come from those decisions she has to stand by and you know she's never ever going to be on her own in whatever she is faced with. I'm nodding here like one of those. I'm actually quite jealous. Oh I'm nodding like a nodding dog here because you've just said another little parenting nugget. I mean you're not a parent but I don't really understand
00:52:48
Speaker
You've learned all the parenting traits because another little nugget is, it is their life, it's not ours for them and we cannot make them be anyone other than who they are, irrespective of what relationship we have to them, they have to figure it out for themselves and that's the, that is the toughest part of parenting. It is, I mean I don't even have a child but yeah, it is.
00:53:14
Speaker
when you do you will be you'll be spot on totally ready i don't even think it'll happen now like i've done the hard but i've lived my life the opposite way to what everyone else has been there friends are like yeah all my friends are now getting houses and having babies i'm like now i've done that
00:53:36
Speaker
I'm going to be like that weird uncle who turns up at parties. There's a lot to be said for him. I've got loads of stories. That would be brilliant. I just want to ask you now, Taylor, what would you say to, I know it's not that long, you remember it very clearly and you've still got processing to do, but with the benefit of what you've
00:54:04
Speaker
reflected on learned, realised, come to terms with what would you say to that kid sitting in the cupboard in the hospital? I know you weren't a kid but I feel like I visualise you as a kid because that feels like such a fragile place that you were in. I think I probably would have told him to pick a bigger cupboard. Wasn't comfortable. I was not expecting that!
00:54:33
Speaker
That's the best answer I've had to that question. I think, you know, trust the process, like everything as cheesy as it sounds happens for a reason. And there is no point worrying about things that you can't control because all you're going to do is make things worse for yourself. If you focus on what you can control and change, then focus on that. But what you can't is going to happen whether you like it or not.
00:55:02
Speaker
And it's the biggest life lesson for me because this year I was always so scared of leaving my mom's side because I thought something bad was going to happen. Whereas this year I haven't been able to be by my mom's side because of the pandemic. And she has again, you know, gone on to do some incredible things. And yeah, it was that it was taken out of my control.
00:55:31
Speaker
but I'm not worried about it now because whether I'm here, whether I'm there, whether I'm on the other side of the world, it's going to happen. The inevitable is going to happen to all of us. So just don't, it's a scary time, but just don't be scared and just roll with it. I think that is a brilliant piece of advice and a perfect place to end this podcast. Taylor, where can people find you if they'd like to connect?
00:56:02
Speaker
So I'm over at the Waffle Shop podcast for anyone who wants to have a waffle like we've just done, if they've got any questions or if they're struggling, drop me a message. We'll have a waffle about it because it's, again, the biggest coping mechanism and the biggest tool that we have, the free tool for any kind of mental challenge is just by talking about it and getting things off your chest.
00:56:27
Speaker
But yeah, if you ever fancy having a waffle, I'm over at the Waffle Shop podcast on Twitter, Facebook, Instagram. Just, yeah, give me a shout. Yeah, brilliant. Well, thank you so much for sharing that story with us. I feel super privileged and I know that a lot of people are going to gain so much from that. Well, thank you for having me. It's been an absolute pleasure.
00:56:51
Speaker
The standout point in that chat with Taylor for me was that all of us don't give ourselves enough credit. Taylor talked about his sister needing to give herself more credit for what she's handled and been through and his mum. And in all that amazing story he didn't notice that he didn't give himself enough credit
00:57:15
Speaker
for what, quite frankly, is just an awful, awful thing to have had to go through at such a young age. Well, I'm going to give him the credit now, here. Because if anyone deserves credit for handling an incredibly stressful, dreadful situation well, I'm going to say it's Taylor.
00:57:39
Speaker
He's also, in amongst all of that, learned the greatest lesson of life, I think, that what's going to happen is going to happen, no matter how much you try to control it, and that sometimes you have no control over it, and all you can do is handle it. Now, we live in fear of things going wrong. We live in fear of the worst happening, and Taylor is outstanding proof, I think,
00:58:06
Speaker
of the fact that when the worst happens, we can handle it. It might not be nice. We may not want to do it, but we can do it. So don't be scared. Tough thing to say, tougher to make it happen, but actually, I think he's absolutely right. Very wise young man. I would say go listen to his podcast, The Waffle Shop, and certainly if you feel like you need a waffle, go and find him. I'll put the links in the show notes.
00:58:37
Speaker
As always, I'm going to ask that if you enjoyed this episode, please go and subscribe so that you don't miss the next one. Talking of which, this is the last episode in 2020 as I'm going to take a little break over Christmas. But I will be back in January with a mini series on ADHD. I have just finished interviewing an amazing young lady who's in her final year at university about how her diagnosis quite late on
00:59:06
Speaker
has affected her, especially during the coronavirus pandemic. I've got other guests, including the mum of a child with ADHD and a live coach who specializes in ADHD coaching. So if that's something you're interested in, you will not want to miss that short mini series. And in January, I've also got some very exciting news for the podcast. So stay tuned to see what's coming next.
00:59:36
Speaker
As ever, nothing that I say in the podcast should be taken as medical advice. If you're worried about a young person, please do go always seek out medical professional advice. And if you like a blog post, you'll find me also writing about parenting during what can be the most challenging but are definitely the most interesting and wonderful parenting years of all, the ups and downs of teenage life.
01:00:05
Speaker
Bye for now and I'll see you after Christmas.