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The Most Courageous Question You Can Ask Your Teenager Today
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How can I be closer to my high-achieving teenager and improve our connection?
In this episode of The Positively Healthy Mom, we sit down with Jess Turner, a burnout and sustainable performance coach who helps high-achieving women stop running on pressure and start building sustainable lives. This conversation is essential for moms of high-achieving teens who want to break generational burnout loops and foster a deeper, more vulnerable connection with their children through radical self-awareness.
Key Conversations in This Episode:
- The Subconscious Parenting Audit: Learn how to ask your teen the "courageous question"—"How would you describe my beliefs?"—to uncover the hidden stories you may be accidentally passing down.
- Lighthouse vs. Tugboat Parenting: Discover why forcing your teen toward "shore" drains your battery and how standing stable as a "lighthouse" naturally attracts them to your regulated energy.
- The "Open Spaces" Mindset: A powerful metaphor for stress management for busy parents, shifting focus from the "poles" (problems) to the "open spaces" (solutions) to change your neurological results.
- Escaping the Time Scarcity Loop: How replacing "I have no time" with "I have an abundance of time" regulates your nervous system and stops energy-draining "doom scrolling".
Common Questions About Moms Of Teens and Connection:
What is the best way to have a difficult conversation with my teenager?
The most effective way to handle intense topics is to talk while walking side-by-side. This "shared pack mentality" removes the ego-clash of face-to-face confrontation, and being in nature scientifically helps both the parent and teen feel calmer and more open-minded.
How do I manage the pressure of parenting high-achieving teenagers without burning out?
Burnout often stems from a dysregulated nervous system that burns through energy twice as fast. By practicing "sustainable performance" and viewing time as "luxurious" or "abundant," you maintain the calm needed to be present when your teen actually wants to talk.
Meet Our Expert, Jess Turner:
Jess Turner is a high-performance and burnout coach who helps high-achieving women stop running on pressure and start building lives that actually feel sustainable. Her work focuses on changing the way people relate to success—shifting away from constant “doing” and toward clarity, energy, and systems that support real life. Originally from the UK and now based in the US, Jess is passionate about helping women model healthier definitions of success for the people watching them.
Connect with Jess on Instagram: @jessturner.coaching
Resources From Your Host, Laura Ollinger:- Coaching: Let’s Work It Out!
- Instagram: @positivelyhealthycoaching
- Rate this podcast!
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Transcript
Introduction and Guest Introduction
00:00:00
Speaker
I hear this a lot because some you will come, I have no time, and this I have no that, but what you focus on will grow. So if you are constantly focused on the things that you cannot do, the time that you do not have, all of the stress that you are feeling, you are recreating and self-perpetuating the the kind of viewpoint that you have, right? Every time you focus on and all you talk about is not having any time, that's all you're going to think about.
00:00:27
Speaker
Hello and welcome to today's episode of the Positively Healthy Mom. I'm your host, Laura Olinger, teen and young adult wellbeing coach and founder of Positively Healthy Coaching. I'm so excited to introduce you today to my new friend, Jess Turner, who is a burnout and sustainable performance coach. I have already learned so much from her just by Knowing her, I've heard two presentations of her at this point, and I've already like changed half my life. but Not really half, but a bunch. um I mean, you have so much to learn from Jess today. So Jess, welcome to the show.
00:01:03
Speaker
Thank you so much. I'm so excited to be here and kind of leaning into another niche for a change. I'm really excited. Yeah, this is really cool.
Subconscious Patterns and Childhood Experiences
00:01:10
Speaker
So I kind of wanted to start off with, you know, as coaches, you and I are trained to kind of look at the patterns on the inside. It's like someone's subconscious brain, they don't even know they're doing it. It's running a loop over and over and over again. And we as coaches help kind of bring that to the surface, bring um out that self-awareness. So because that's where change,
00:01:33
Speaker
can happen It can't happen if you're not aware of what the pattern is. And so the idea of like these subconscious beliefs and stories that we tell ourselves, these come from somewhere, right? Like they start somewhere. And so today I'm super excited. I think we should dig into the idea of like,
00:01:50
Speaker
when these things come about in childhood, like we're hearing things from our parents or our caregivers, whoever we're spending the most time around. um And that's where these like kind of patterns start to develop. And so tell us kind of your point of view on these things and like maybe share an example of something that you have.
00:02:09
Speaker
Yeah. Well, I meant remember when you first asked me about the podcast and coming on to here and how I could best help moms and I just realized that it would be a really nice way to start thinking about having those conversations with our child about certain taboo areas, right? Whether it's money or self-image or food, all that kind of stuff. And it kind of came from a few of the personal experiences that I had when I was younger. And I have probably spent...
Conversations with Children on Taboo Subjects
00:02:37
Speaker
Well, how old am I now? 33. probably 15, 18 years unpacking, you know, those beliefs and those patterns and those ways of thinking that my mom installed into me. Not that she ever knew because she was just learning what she was learning from her parents and society at the time. And, you know, when she was a teenager, the standard lunchtime, you know, diet was a cigarette. Yeah. And so, you know, she wasn't really set up in the best way to have the best kind of thoughts and beliefs. But, you know, without her realizing, it really impacted how I thought and felt as I was growing up. And even to the point now, and it wasn't until I started becoming a coach and really understanding my own thought patterns that None of them are my own, right? You get all of the thoughts to you that come into you from your parents, from your family, from society, from the media, from all of those inputs that are coming into you. And they will dictate your identity, right? All our thoughts dictate how we feel and that dictates how we act. And then that kind of reinforces our identity. And without being aware of it, you know we can just recycle everything we've known from our parents and our family through to our children as well. And I think it would be really lovely to help parents feel more be more conscious of the way that they're speaking and feeling. because Without a coach or without, you know, some real mindset techniques, there's no way to really understand what those subconscious thoughts and feelings
Parent-Teen Relationships and Open Dialogue
00:04:08
Speaker
are. Does that make sense? It makes so much sense. So much sense. So I love this radical. i mean, I don't want to call it radical, but you propose this idea about like how someone can be aware of that as we were chatting. hmm. preparing for today. And I would love for you to share, you know, it's very, um it's going to require some vulnerability on a mom's part to be able to approach a teenager. So kind of share with you what you shared with me about that idea. Yeah. So we were talking about kind of how we could bring that up in the easiest way. And I was thinking back to when I was a teenager and i wish that I'd had the opportunity to speak to my mom openly and candidly about the kind of beliefs that we were creating in our household. And we were talking about how we could help women kind of come to awareness of how their their thoughts or how their beliefs are being transpired. And until you can really sit down and audit them, you're not going to really know. So I came up with the idea of maybe, okay, well, sitting down with the teen because they're hearing from their perspective too, so different ways that you're thinking and maybe saying to them,
00:05:12
Speaker
picking a topic, right, whether it's money or maybe body image or food or sex, you know, any of those kind of larger areas where it can be very, very challenging to talk about. But just sitting down and saying, how would you describe my beliefs or my thoughts about this topic? Yeah. And I think it would be so revealing to hear them say, oh, well, I heard you talk about this and I heard you talk about that. And because sometimes, you know, I remember some of the things that my mom would say and just like a backhanded comment that has stuck with me all to this day. And you might not have even thought about it in passing, but to sit down and just say, okay, well,
00:05:48
Speaker
What did you have me say? What would you say are the ways in which I believe X, Y, and Z, right? You can get specific. What do I think about money? Or what do I think about body image? Or something along those lines. And just getting that open dialogue with your teen and just hearing them reflect back to you what it is that you've said. Because I imagine it will be quite shocking for you to go, yeah. Is that really how I talk about things when I'm not paying attention? Is that really the way that I've been portraying that? And it's going to be a really nice opportunity for you to then create a different dialogue with your child, right? What are your beliefs? And and i actually, I don't want you to believe that. I want you to believe a different thing. And having that really nice vulnerable moment to kind of teach them how those thoughts and beliefs can be passed down and how that can create a different environment in your family, I would think,
00:06:34
Speaker
What a beautiful way to connect with your child to both feel seen and understood and understood and heard. And I just would have loved that opportunity when I was younger to just say, just so you're aware, this is how it's coming across, whether you think it is or not, and it can be quite damaging.
00:06:50
Speaker
And if you can have that open and honest conversation, my God, I would absolutely recommend it as sooner rather than later. Yes. I mean, I just think this is gold because it's so rich in so many levels of, I have so many parents ask me, how can I be closer with my teenager? How can I build that connection, especially moms of sons? um I find that that's where the biggest disconnect moms and daughters, most of the time they figure it out one way or another, whether it's pretty or not, no figure it out.
00:07:22
Speaker
But what a way, a beautiful way to A, open a dialogue and B, really get an honest reflection. It's going to be a big mirror. And and maybe you won't be surprised. Maybe you're fully aware that you do something. But the fact that um you're going to hear how they perceive it and perhaps then how it's affecting them, that's going to be ah potentially for some people in some moments where hard to hear. yeah So I almost want to like pre-frame it that we are walking into something that um we
Creating Relaxed Environments for Communication
00:07:56
Speaker
might not love. And what an opportunity for us to grow as moms yeah and what an opportunity is for us to build that relationship with our team.
00:08:06
Speaker
And what a great way to set an example about the whole concept of personal development, self-advocacy, we can change, growth mindset.
00:08:17
Speaker
Because if we're willing to do it for ourselves and demonstrate it quite honestly and and very in a raw sense out loud to our teens, then they can take that and and and take that and go with it.
00:08:30
Speaker
Oh, yeah. i And I also think like what a way to show people how to communicate. Because it wasn't until I was married that and I had to go through therapy that I actually learned how to have a conversation. yeah And understanding that people are hearing different things in the way that you're saying it. And what a great way to say, okay, when you know you can talk about anything at any time and that's how you come closer together. And just from a coaching point of view as well, going into this with an intention right intending to be open-minded, intending to just listen, right and having that as your or your and your kind of motive behind the conversation. And not only that, but the best thing I've learned about difficult conversations, have them out on a walk.
00:09:11
Speaker
When you're side-by-side with someone, you get this like shared pack mentality. It doesn't feel like the parent and the child. it doesn't feel like two different egos coming at you. You're side by side. You're out in nature. You're when you're out in nature, your head and your heart and we're so much better cohesion. You're automatically going to feel calmer. And what a great way to have that difficult conversation if you're not used to, and this could feel quite intense face to face or at home, it might feel a little bit different. It might feel like ah you know, a, um, a punishment conversation, being able to go out and just say, hey, why don't we talk about this topic and just getting out and walking together will allow you both to open up in such a different way. um And just scientifically, neurologically, what a great way to open up in a difficult conversation and feel more open-minded in that way. I love that. I love it. I'm so into heartburn coherence and all the science we can just geek out, I'm sure, and talk about that. And it's so true, right? It's so important that we're kind of emotionally regulated.
00:10:09
Speaker
And I love what you said about just listen. I think that would be the biggest and most important piece here, because the last thing we want to do is ask our teams for an honest answer, and then we get defensive. And we're like, yeah not no, I don't say that. No, that's not true. What I really mean is this, right? Like, that is not the time, right? Like, we're asking them to share. So what we have to do is just listen and hear from their perspective, hear how they're thinking and what they're feeling.
00:10:35
Speaker
Yeah, 100%. And I think that intentionality of, okay, we're both going to agree this is a safe space, which means that whatever I say, you're just going to listen. You don't have to react. We're just about creating that safe space where everyone can be open and honest. Because I think being able to have that safe space where there's certain rules in place, where is a container, where anything can be shared, there's no judgment, we're just here to listen to each other. And even imagining yourself as like that coach position, right? Okay, I'm just here to make them feel seen and heard and just let them open up. And I just, I would love to know how one of these conversations go, if any of your listeners actually do this. So I think it would just be, what a wonderful way to create that open dialogue and to be able to then say, okay, well those are some of the beliefs that I wasn't aware that I had, or I was aware that I had, and maybe we can change them together. How would you like to
00:11:24
Speaker
think and feel about this topic? What do you think of some thoughts and beliefs that we could have that would allow us to grow in a different way? You know, and it's about money or when it's about relationships, what are some ways in which we can grow out of the current kind of and belief system that we already have? And that is how you will grow faster than anything else. Yes, yes, I love it. And I'm glad you reminded us of kind of like these um meta themes, right? Just like the big themes in life that you mentioned. And a big one, I know for a fact, um because it's happening in my own household, is the one
Allowing Children to Make Mistakes and Learn
00:11:57
Speaker
about money. Because my oldest is about to go off to college. We're talking about, well, she's made her decision, but, um you know, do we have the scholarships? And do we have this? And do we have that? And it's ah and and she's going to get a job on campus and all these things.
00:12:11
Speaker
And so I'm really trying my best to kind of listen to myself because the last thing I want to do is set up any scarcity mentality with her or my other children. Like, we can't afford this. We don't have enough money. It's, you know, we can't do this. um But I also, on the contrary, don't want to have them think we can just do whatever we want, spend whatever we want. And so it's like,
00:12:32
Speaker
It's really interesting. like I'd love to hear your thoughts on like the concept of like teaching responsible behavior, responsible decision-making, but not in a scarcity way. What are your thoughts about that?
00:12:45
Speaker
Oh, gosh. Well, I don't have children, so that's a hard one for me to answer. But I think at the end of the day, when it comes to allowing people to grow, and this is just from my coach point of view,
00:12:58
Speaker
I have to sit back, create some boundaries, wider boundaries, but allow them to make their own mistakes. Because, you know, if they're feeling like they're being pressured in a certain way, that will lead them to act in a certain way. And I think that sometimes we don't give people enough credit that they can make good decisions on their own. And I think it comes from a fear of us of like, okay, well, if I don't kind of control the narrative a little bit more than what would happen, then it's a consequence back on me. But I think if you can create some wider boundaries and potentially, I'm not sure what that would look like. I guess it depends on the situation. But, you know, this is a big no. This is, you know, these are the the wider boundaries. And then just allow them some freedom in there to just see how they're at. I mean, I remember...
00:13:41
Speaker
watching Jesse Itzler on one of his podcasts and he always sits down with his children says, how did you fail today? Yes. Because instead of like just all of the wins, it's like, okay, well, what went wrong? Because that's the quickest way that they will learn. And I think if you can just give them, like I said, some boundaries, but give them the opportunity to make their own decisions and make their own mistakes. And then you come together afterwards and say, okay, this is great. Maybe you could have done this a little bit better, that a little bit better, but just giving them that freedom to develop themselves in that moment. And I know that It's probably easier said than done as someone who just has hairy kids with two dogs. But that's kind of where I'm at. Like when it comes to coaching, I have to kind of watch a slow car crash sometimes. yeah just like Because they I know if they don't make that decision, they won't come back and go, okay, I see where you were coming from. But they have to experience that on their own. I can't be there to hold their hand and push them into certain directions because that would be too it would be too much of me being involved with that if that kind of makes sense.
00:14:38
Speaker
Hi everyone, just a quick pause before we get back to the episode.
Parenting Dynamics and Leading by Example
00:14:42
Speaker
I'm so glad you're here. A lot of you know me as someone who helps teens feel more confident and less overwhelmed, but I also support parents who are trying to navigate all this with more calm, clarity, and connection.
00:14:56
Speaker
My work includes teen and young adult coaching, parent coaching, and support for the parent-teen relationship. So whether your teen is dealing with anxiety, self-doubt, or pressure, or you're trying to communicate better at home, I'm here for that.
00:15:11
Speaker
You can connect with me at PositivelyHealthyCoaching.com slash booking so we can talk more about your confidence, resilience, stress, and healthy family dynamics.
00:15:23
Speaker
My goal is simple, to help families feel more connected and more equipped to handle what life throws at them. I hope you'll join me. Now back to the show. Yes. and i And I have the same belief as well about with my clients that you can't want something more for your client than they want it for themselves. And so, you know, that's the kind of the same principle here is, um you know, what are you willing to do? And I know we're kind of jumping topics like a little bit right now because it's like whether we're talking about the big life theme of money or a college decision whatever.
00:15:55
Speaker
kind of like body image you talked about or eating or diet or exercise or um even kind of how they're using social media, like what are the boundaries on that? So there's like all these topics, but the idea is that a team needs to want to be healthy, right? Like we cannot force that on them. It's very similar to like ah a coach-client relationship where they have to want it too, um You're really there to just offer the support, offer the guidance, kind of um be those um that safe container for them.
00:16:27
Speaker
But I think it all does come back to just like thinking about what are the beliefs and the stories that we hold and right and kind of getting that to the awareness, having that conversation. And then seeing what happens from there, it might be that your teen is like, well, by the way, mom, I really don't like how you are a food Nazi and you only buy organic everything all the time. Like all all the other families get to have this, you know, da, da, da.
00:16:51
Speaker
That might be a chance for you to like relax a little bit. Maybe that has been your standard, but maybe you can change a little bit. Maybe you make some different changes because that might help bridge the relationship a little bit more. It might, you know, who knows? we Again, if we're jumping topics, it's hard to give examples for all the different ones. But just the idea of just like getting that honest feedback, but then be the next step, I guess, be willing to make a change if if it's needed, right? it Maybe it's not needed, but maybe it is.
00:17:19
Speaker
Yeah, well, that's the whole point of going into open-minded. Maybe if there's one topic where you're just like, I'm not quite ready because maybe I need to do some more work on that. And then maybe I wouldn't jump in there. Maybe choose something a little bit softer first where you can just practice that interaction. Maybe don't go straight in with like the really hard, hardcore topics and sit down and go, okay, we're going to hash this out together, you know. um And a lot of it as well comes down to like, if you're like these boundaries that we mentioned, being able to reflect them back to your kids as well. Like if you're if you're teaching them that certain things are important, I feel you have to reflect that also. yeah You know, I remember when I was younger, I was being taught certain things about food, et cetera, et cetera, but I wasn't being shown that at the same time. So there was that little bit of dissonance there. And I think that really helps as well when it comes to giving them the clear boundaries, but letting them form their own character. But you're also there showing them the way, if that kind of makes sense. Because I think that...
00:18:17
Speaker
you being the example is much more empowering than, then then you telling them, right? You are reflecting those beliefs. So you're reflecting that thing that you wanted to change. And I know that we're chip dropping a little bit there, but that was kind of my two cents on that part. Yeah. Yeah. Well, it all comes together so well because, um, setting that example is huge. Like think about all the families that we know well,
00:18:40
Speaker
well I'm just saying to society as a whole. Let's just say it like that. Cause you, you and I live in the same area, but let's just say society as a whole, not just in our area here in Austin. Um,
00:18:51
Speaker
what I see a lot of culturally, let's just say, is like moms drinking a lot of wine because they're stressed out and our moms, um whatever a kind of quote unquote unhealthy behavior you might imagine, but then like expecting our teens to be able to manage their stress and, oh, heaven forbid, you know, don't do this, don't do that. Like, it's like weird how we are behaving a certain way, but then we're holding our kid to a different standard where Like, don't yell at me, don't snap at me or don't slam the door. Well, it's like, well, you're the, you're the pot calling the kettle black, right? Like the way you're managing your stress is is this way. So your teen is managing their stress this way.
00:19:30
Speaker
and it's like, it's just a little bit interesting how sometimes I think we tend to lose perspective, right? When we're just in our daily lives and um we're kind of holding our team to a higher standard in some ways or um expecting them to behave behave differently. Like, oh, don't go drink at a party and I'm a mom and I'm wasted every Friday night, right? Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Well, you want to yeah you know you have to be thinking about like them acting in alignment, right? Because when I was younger, I was around a lot of drinking, a lot of alcohol, a lot of this, that, and the other, but also being told to behave in a certain way. So it was almost like, hold on, what am I supposed to yeah And that creates a lot of shame and a lot of guilt when you're then doing something secretly when you know you're not allowed, but you're also seeing other people do it. You're not feeling like it's very fair. You're feeling like you have to keep it a secret. And when that shame comes in, that just overcomplicates everything. The best way I can kind of describe it when it comes to parenting, coaching, kind of, you know, it's a similar kind of relationship is the the theme of the lighthouse and the tugboat.
00:20:31
Speaker
So, you know, in many relationships that I've been in in my life, I'm very much type I'd like to have things a certain way, can be very, you know, be very, my past, be very controlling. And, you know, I want you to look a certain way, you do a certain thing, you know, act in a certain way. But every time you're doing that, not only are you pushing that person away, you're also draining your own battery.
00:20:49
Speaker
And my coach, when I was young, taught me that, you know, the best thing that you can do is be the lighthouse. So want you to imagine there's a boat out at sea and it's starting to sink and it can't really see the shore very well. So you have two different options. You have the one option, which is the tugboat. The tugboat goes out to the water. It attaches itself to the boat and then it uses all of its force and energy to pull that boat to shore.
00:21:12
Speaker
More likely that's going to happen that both of those boats are going to sink because they're both, you know, they're both... overcompensating on one source of energy. Whereas if you could be at the lighthouse where you're standing on the shore, you're standing proud, you're shining your light in every direction, then you're going to be attracting those boats to come towards you without you having to do anything at all. And I think that's one of the most powerful ways to mimic the best thing you can do in any relationship. You want someone to be a certain way or you want someone to evolve in a certain way.
00:21:40
Speaker
You have to be that lighthouse, right? And that's why clients will come to you because of the certain energy or the things that you depict. Same with me, because we are the lighthouse. We're not going to force them. We're just going to show them there's a better way and help them kind of help shine that light for them to come towards us. And that can be true of children as well. You know, like you said, if you're telling the child to do one thing, but then you're having a different way of of coping with that kind of mechanism or you're showing a different kind of lifestyle, all that's going to create is upheaval in the household. Yes. Or two boats sinking or something like that. I love it. Yes. Everyone's drowning. Yes. It's not going to be pretty, whatever whatever it is. Exactly. um
00:22:20
Speaker
Well, with our last little chunk of time here, i would love to go to one of your favorite topics. i don't know if it's your favorite. it's i'm I'm projecting it's your favorite. About the idea of just stress and burnout.
Stress, Burnout, and Time Management for Moms
00:22:32
Speaker
Because I know that's kind of one of your specialties. And moms are queens of feeling stressed and burned out. And like that time management piece, it's always this kind of idea of not enough time or so much to do, not enough time. And oh this overwhelm.
00:22:46
Speaker
And the reason why i wanted to kind of finish this off, A, because I think it's huge, but B, like we talked about before with these big themes in your house that you could talk to with your kids about, this is a great one to have a conversation with, whether it's your spouse or your kids, but, or could just be yourself. Like, what is my attitude or belief about time in all that I have to do? So I love to get your tips about this. Okay. so let me just let me just clarify the question. So you're asking me for tips on how to have a better mindset around time? Yes.
00:23:20
Speaker
Okay. so I hear this a lot because some you people come, I have no time, and I have this, I have no that. But what you focus on will grow. So if you are constantly focused on the things that you cannot do, the time that you do not have, all of the stress that you are feeling, you are recreating and self-perpetuating the kind of viewpoint that you have, right? Every time you focus on all you talk about is not having any time, that's all you're going to think about. And when it comes to the brain, mean the brain is always looking for evidence to back up the beliefs that you have. So if you're sitting there going, I have absolutely no time. I'm so stressed out. I'm so overworked. I don't have any time to do anything more. Your brain's going to go, oh, cool. Okay, here's this example. Here's another example. Here's another example. Here's the other example when you were late and you were rushing and you're just self-perpetuating that belief system over Yeah.
00:24:09
Speaker
yeah so what i challenge you to do is change the way that you talk about it first because if you can say okay i have an abundance of time and i get to choose how i decide to do that right all of a sudden your brain is now looking for evidence of a different belief Because two different things, that those two things can be true at the same time.
00:24:27
Speaker
But it's your perception of how you see things that dictate whether or not it's going to make you feel stressed or make you feel relaxed, right? And every time it's like, oh, so stressed, I'm so rushed, I'm this, that, and the other, you're creating a stress response in your body.
00:24:40
Speaker
And when you have a stress response in your body, your brain starts to shut down. You can't problem solve. You can't see clearly. You can't even think about, okay, well, how can I switch my day around to maybe find some more time? You're just immediately going into yourself and feeling like you're in survival mode because you're so stressed out about the time. Yeah. Whereas if you can change it and go, okay,
00:24:58
Speaker
I have an abundance of time. I will find some time and just change the way that you think and feel about it. You will be so surprised as the pressure lifts off your body, how much more opportunity that you can find in a different way that you will look at that. And I know that sounds like a bit of a cop out because some people are well, give me something tactical, like find me more time. I can't do that for you.
00:25:19
Speaker
But if you can be more open-minded to changing the way that you think about your time, That's going to create a different way that you look at it. You're creating your own rose-tinted glasses in that way when you could differently about how you're spending your time.
00:25:32
Speaker
And I promise that you will be able to audit it in a much different light if you're like, okay, I can find time. i have time. I'm in control of my time. as opposed to, oh my God, I'm so busy. I'm so this, I'm so that, I never have any time. It's just, it's night and day in how your nervous system is going to respond and be able to then take control of that day. Does that kind of make sense? It makes so much sense. So recently, i think I told you this the other day, I started using the word, because I got this from a friend of ours, um the word luxurious. I have a luxurious amount of time. Oh my gosh, like who says that?
00:26:07
Speaker
But I've been saying that and it's so funny because like, what is the definition of luxurious? Like I could have five extra minutes and that is luxurious that I don't normally have or I'm looking for it and just that feeling it. But but most of all, it's exactly what you're saying.
00:26:21
Speaker
That feels so good in my nervous system. It feels amazing. And I suddenly feel like, oh, wow, I sure do. This is so awesome. And then like that, it's that self-perpetuating, but in a positive way, like suddenly I can handle things better. And um I have a great example. So my mentor, one of my mentors, um his name is Joseph McLennan III. He um is kind of very close buddies with Tony Robbins. They've written a book together. They've been on stages together. They've been friends for like over 30 years. He tells a story, ah Joseph does, about where he grew up in California ah along this long stretch of high highway. it was just a straight road.
00:26:59
Speaker
There were these telephone poles like every I don't know, I'm not good at measurement, but it's like 25. Let's just say yards. I don't know the distance, but it's equal. Right. So what they found was that people were having car accidents there and and they were in a helicopter and they were looking down and they would look at all the tire marks.
00:27:16
Speaker
And it was funny because every person who died or had an accident ran into one of those telephone poles. Well, why is that ridiculous? It's ridiculous because how much space is between the telephone poles? 25 yards.
00:27:28
Speaker
But the telephone pole is only what, 12 inches? And so he he was, you know, kind of concluding that people were, you know, losing control of the car. And what they say in their head is don't hit the pole, don't hit the pole, don't hit the pole, don't hit the pole.
00:27:43
Speaker
But what do they do? They hit the pole because the brain just here. They don't. The brain doesn't register that. Don't hit that. It just hears pole. Right. And so what you focus on exactly what you're saying, what you focus on grows. So they were hitting the pole. And so i I even told this to my kids who um they ski a lot.
00:27:59
Speaker
And I say, just like, focus on the open spaces, the open spaces, the open spaces. Like, don't focus on the tree. Focus on the open spaces. Right. My kids love to like go through the forest and all that. And I'm like, last thing I want is them to run into a tree or even my son, when he was learning to drive, I just said, yes, you want to be aware of the other cars, but like, just focus on the open spaces. And so it's just something, a great metaphor. I mean, it's true. he, this actually did happen. But it's just such a great example or a great metaphor to how what you're focusing on does actually change in your body what you're doing and what your brain
Impact of Perception on Time and Stress
00:28:34
Speaker
is focusing on. And it changes the result that you get. Yeah, exactly. And I mean, when you think about the nervous system, right, that is the it makes or breaks your day. So if you can have a different way of viewing your day, you have a different response to it. Right. And if you can go throughout your day feeling like you're in control because you said, hey, I have time.
00:28:53
Speaker
that regulates your nervous system as opposed to I don't and I'm rushed, right? but your It's like that you're starting your day a crossroads. or You can either start off stressed and rush the whole day and you know make mistakes and mess up and feel really stressed out or you can go, no, I have an abundance of time.
00:29:09
Speaker
And like I said, creating that different kind of mental mindset and different view, you have very different day. And it's like there's another metaphor that I read as well where That when you're cycling, say, 10 miles and you're going really fast and you're really rushing, you're going crazy and you get there for like 11 minutes and then you do it again and you're doing it in just an enjoyable way and you get there, you're probably only saving 30 seconds on the difference. But think about the experience. You're not rushed, you're not panicked, you're not sweating, you're not enjoying it. You're just there taking in the view. And that's the very same thing that we're talking about when it comes to time. If you can...
00:29:45
Speaker
approach it from a regulated nervous system, all of a sudden you have so much more faculty, so much more options, so much more ability to to choose how you spend your day. Because every time you start off thinking that you have no time, thinking that you're rushed, all going find is more evidence to support that. And then all of a sudden you feel like you have no control whatsoever.
00:30:05
Speaker
Yes, yes. Oh my gosh, this is so empowering, especially because I'm in a super busy week this week. um A lot going on. And so yes, just finding the open spaces, finding the evidence of I do have a break, finding the abundance of time. It could be the same. My schedule is exactly the same, but how I feel about it can make all the difference in my day. yeah Exactly. And when you think about energy expansion and more energy expenditure in the nervous system, if you are dysregulated, you are burning through energy twice as fast as if you are regulated. So you might even think you might be able to have more time because you have more energy, and you have more calm in your body. You might, instead of going, oh, it's six o'clock. I have no energy. I'm just going to grab my phone, and scroll, drink a glass of wine. So nothing left. You might get to six o'clock. You haven't burned yourself out for the day. And all of a sudden the whole evening's available to you. And there is the time that you're missing.
00:30:59
Speaker
It just, the difference is how regulated you can be in the meantime. I love that. I love that. That's such a great way to clean, finish up our conversation.
Conclusion and Contact Information
00:31:08
Speaker
Jess, how can people find you going forward?
00:31:11
Speaker
So you can follow me on Instagram. It's just turnout.coaching at Instagram. I'm all over there with tips and tricks on how to create more sustainable performance and how to escape the burnout loops that all of us high performing women are in. um And you can hear a lot from more from me on there.
00:31:29
Speaker
Awesome. Well, thank you so much. This was amazing. I so appreciate it. Yeah, no worries. Thank you so much, Laura. Bye, everybody. When you get a chance, please go to the show notes and click on the link ratethispodcast.com slash TPHmom to give my podcast a rating and review.
00:31:47
Speaker
And if this episode resonates with you, be sure to share it with your mom friends who are going through the same things. Be sure to tune in for next week's conversation. Until then, keep up the good work.